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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27377419">It's Nice To Have A Friend</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoeWithNoY/pseuds/ZoeWithNoY'>ZoeWithNoY</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek &amp; Paul/Levenson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU, All the Usual Warnings for DEH, Anxiety, BandTrees, Bullying, Character Development, Connor Murphy &amp; Zoe Murphy Bonding, Connor Murphy &amp; Zoe Murphy Get Along, Connor Murphy &amp; Zoe Murphy Reconciliation, Connor Murphy Tries, Crushes, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, High School, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, School Dances, Slow Burn, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Suicide Attempt, Sweet Evan Hansen, Teenage Drama, Unrequited Crush, Zoe &amp; Evan &amp; Connor are Best Friends, Zoe Murphy Tries, Zoevan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:08:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>213,741</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27377419</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoeWithNoY/pseuds/ZoeWithNoY</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It isn't until Evan feels someone sit down right next to his head, blocking the sun from his barely open eyes, and touches his shoulder that he believes a real person found him. And they ask him again, “Are you okay? What I can I do to help?” </p><p>Evan tries really hard to open his eyes more, to see who had found him on the worst day of his life and when he does, he’s pretty sure he was wrong and is actually dead or hallucinating, because there was absolutely no way in hell that <em>Zoe Murphy</em> just found him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alana Beck &amp; Connor Murphy, Alana Beck &amp; Evan Hansen, Evan Hansen &amp; Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen &amp; Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen &amp; Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>162</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Please Picture Me, In the Trees</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi everyone!!!! I'm back with a new story and I'm pretty excited about it! This prompt was suggested to me by the lovely HenBenRo and is inspired by the (presumably abandoned???) work "You Found Me" by lizzy_stardust_18. I highly recommend reading it and all their works because they're an incredible author! It's not exactly the same, but has the premise that Connor and Zoe find Evan right after his "fall" and the story goes from there. This one will be a little less dark than I Should Tell Her (I think) and have some more teenage drama (dances, football games, birthday parties, etc). And I'm excited to report Jared and Alana will be much nicer this time around...well Jared is a little insufferable at the beginning but will develop! </p><p>This first chapter is a little shorter than I think they will be in the future, but I really wanted to post something today to hopefully give people some distracting and it's really just setting up the next chapter, so I feel okay about it.</p><p>Quick story logistics: Tuesday updates, 5K-8K chapters (possibly more if I start rambling on), multiple character POVs (this is a new one I'm trying out), 15-17 chapters</p><p>A huge thank you to everyone who will be reading this story and everyone who has read any of my other ones, you guys are amazing and I'd love to hear what you think of this new storyline! Thank you thank you!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan was having probably the worst possible, most terrible day he’d ever had. It had started bad and had gotten even more horrible. He’d woken up sweaty from a nightmare he couldn’t remember, and the hot water ran out while he was trying shower, leaving him cold and more on edge than normal. And when he finally made it to the kitchen, hoping to see his mom, even if it was to just say hi, she’d already left. But he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up anyway, he never had good days. He was always on edge, too nervous to do basic functions, and his mom was never home, never stuck around to see him. </p><p>And to make it worse, when Evan looks around he finds a note on the counter that she’d left that said, “Be home late, there’s dumplings in the freezer or you can order in, Love Mom”. He hated when she said things about food to him, like he needed a reminder of the many things his mom thought he was incapable of doing. Why couldn’t she just leave him be? He would eat if he was hungry (which he rarely was) and he didn’t need to talk to some random stranger who would probably be mean to him or unnecessarily turn on the stove or oven to do it. There were other ways that were easier for him and his mom just wouldn’t accept that. Wouldn’t accept him. </p><p>But that was just at home and those were just the daily things that made his life miserable, his day had continued to get even worse at work. He’d been assigned to tour a group of day campers, which was something he’d managed to avoid all summer. But he’d been too nervous to ask his boss for a different task, worried they’d think he was unfit for his job and fire him on the spot for being whiny and ungrateful. So he’d tried really hard to do the tour, but he started stuttering really badly and fumbling over all his words, and the kids were starting to laugh at him, which made his face turn red and made him even more stressed about the whole thing. </p><p>He hated when he started stuttering when he spoke or mumbled or couldn’t get the right words out. It made him feel stupid and people told him he was stupid whenever he did it. But he wasn’t stupid, Evan was really smart. He probably knew more about every tree and every plant in the whole park than anybody else, but whenever he got the chance to show it, he ruined it by sounding so dumb all the time.</p><p>And one kid was even throwing pebbles at him when their counselors weren’t watching while he was trying really hard to explain oak growth patterns, and Evan couldn’t say anything to stop it. So it just kept happening and the kid even got more of their friends in on it too, so to everyone who didn’t notice, Evan just looked twitchy and even more unhinged than he did while trying to only talk. </p><p>When it was finally over, Evan walked away as fast as he could, avoiding anyone and everything to hide the fact that he’d started crying. He had to spend his whole break in the bathroom, trying to make himself stop. He felt like he couldn’t control a single thing in his life, and he hated it. Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why was he crying at work, alone in the bathroom, when everyone else was eating lunch and looking so, so happy? </p><p>And when he just barely manages to stop crying, by downing a whole water bottle, he creeps back out into lunchroom and sits by himself for the few remaining minutes of his lunch break. He was sure his face was blotchy and tear stained, but no one even seems to notice. They don’t seem to notice him at all, let alone that he didn’t seem okay. But even if they did, it’s not like they’d care, so Evan does nothing to change his situation and just sits there, just like he always did. </p><p>When lunch is over, Evan still feels like he was on the verge of tears as he slips into the office to see his afternoon task list, and he can’t tell if he was grateful no one said anything to him (or even noticed his presence) or if it was factoring into his terrible day. Probably the second one, because he thinks if someone were to actually stop him and ask him if he was alright, he’d tell them he wasn’t, and he almost never felt like that. His instincts always told him to hide his pain, to lie about it, but for some reason today was a just a tipping point, and he might say something today, if someone would only ask.</p><p>But no one was asking because it wasn’t like anyone actually cared about him. No one would probably even notice if he never came back to sign out or came back at all. No one would notice if he just up and disappeared. </p><p>Evan thinks about that a lot as he walks from the main center down one of the more secluded trails. He was supposed to be cleaning the trail and picking up anything that was blocking it, but no one ever went this way, so there was rarely anything to do except think about life and talk to the only person who listened, himself. Evan knows there’s not actually anything to do on this trail and that no park-goers would actually come down it, so he decides to just to climb instead. </p><p>He climbed a lot and he found it was one of the only things that helped him think clearer. He liked being up high, away from the real world. He could see the birds and feel the sun on his skin, and he always felt like he could just breathe when he was alone in a tree. Things were easier up there. So Evan finds a nice tall oak and starts to make his way up. </p><p>He gets almost to the top, where the branches started to thin, and stops to sit and look and around. It’s peaceful for about four seconds until all Evan’s intrusive thoughts from before come flooding back into head without the distraction of climbing. </p><p>And he can’t help but agree with all of them. No one cared about Evan Hansen and no one would care if he weren’t there anymore. And there were actually a few <em>good</em> things he could think of if he weren’t around.</p><p>It’d probably be easier on his mom if she didn’t have him to worry about. No extra person to pay for, no medication prescriptions to refill, no more heavy sighs when he told her something disappointing. She definitely wouldn’t be so stressed all the time and it’s not like they really did anything together, it’d probably take her a few days to even notice he was gone too, if she even did. And when he really thought about it, his mom only ever really looked at him like an obligation, someone she had to look after, not someone she <em>wanted</em> to look after. So he’d really just be doing her a favor if he never came home.  </p><p>Evan didn’t have any real friends, nobody followed him on social media, so it’s not like there was a person who’d be concerned if he didn’t text back or didn’t post something, no one would be able to tell he was gone. He only had two numbers in his phone, his mom’s and Jared’s, but the last time Jared had texted him was two weeks before school let out to ask him if he knew what would be on their biology final. He hadn’t texted Evan since. And Jared only talked to him on occasion because his mom made him or he needed something, or when he just wanted to be mean, he never voluntarily sought Evan out. So it wasn’t like Jared, the closest thing he had to a friend, would care either.  </p><p>And Evan figures no one at school would notice if he didn’t show up for senior year either, not even the teachers. He knows he would be saving the teachers from annoyed glances and impatient foot taps as he tried, but simply couldn’t do what they’d asked of him in class. He was keeping them from looks of pity when they had to be his partner for in class work because no one else would. His teachers would probably rejoice when they didn’t see his name on the roster, glad they didn’t have to deal with him. </p><p>But he supposes the thought of not having to go to school was pretty nice, an actual benefit for himself rather than someone else. He wouldn’t have to be paralyzed with fear over having to answer questions in class, or god forbid give a presentation, seeing how he barely recovered from the Daisy Buchanan disaster from English this year. There wouldn’t be anymore late nights trying to make everything in his assignments perfect so the teachers wouldn’t need to talk to him or think he was dumb when he couldn’t answer them in class. If he disappeared, he would never have to think about school again, and that’s actually pretty comforting.</p><p>But the eerie wave of relief that washes over him is frightening, once he decides never going back is his best option. And the more he thought about it, there were a lot of good things that would happen if he wasn’t around anymore, and not just for school. </p><p>He wouldn’t have to be so nervous about what people thought and if they were watching him, at stores, on the bus, in the park, everywhere he went. </p><p>He wouldn’t have to try so hard to fit in, knowing that even though he tried his attempts were futile, that he never would. </p><p>He wouldn’t continually be waiting around for Zoe Murphy to notice him, to suddenly announce that she liked him back, without any effort on his part to talk to her. And he wouldn’t work himself up over thinking about if his hands were too sweaty if he ever got the chance to say ‘hi’ to her. </p><p>He wouldn’t have to worry about any of Zoe’s friends pointing him out to her and calling him the creepy kid who stared at them. He wouldn’t have to stop by the band door and listen to her play from afar anymore, trying to be discreet but probably looking like a stalker. </p><p>He wouldn’t have to deal with Jared teasing him at school, something that made him feel even worse about himself. Right now, he only put up with it so he could tell his mom that he talked to someone at school, so he could get one strained smile from her before she left for work. </p><p>But all of these things that haunted Evan could be over. He glances to the ground, forty feet below and he was probably high enough; he could do it. One choice and everything could be over.</p><p>He was so tired, and he knows he wouldn’t have to try so hard, only to be such a disappointment to himself and everyone around him. And he just knows, resolute in the fact that everything would just be better if he, Evan Hansen, didn’t exist anymore. And he’s positive no one would disagree.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>“Larry, get off your phone and be present with the family, we’re trying to have a nice day,” Cynthia Murphy sternly tells her husband for probably the tenth time that day. They’d only been at Ellison for like twenty minutes and Zoe swears it’s the only thing her mom has said. She doesn’t even know why they had to have a “family bonding day” to begin with, but especially not at the state park. She liked nature and she liked being outside, especially when she wrote songs, but she didn’t like being dragged here by her mom. </p><p>And it wasn’t like their family was in a terrible place, <em>right now</em>, and her and Connor had actually been getting along recently, well as much as a brother and a litter sister could, considering that Zoe was still a little distrustful of Connor. </p><p>They’d had a pretty rough last couple of years and Zoe wasn’t going to lie, she had been really terrified of Connor, afraid of what he might do to her or possibly to himself. He was always high, and she was pretty sure he was doing more than smoking weed. It was scary coming home and not knowing what Connor she was going get, a mellow Connor reading in his room or a violent, angry Connor fighting with their parents and coming for her. </p><p>But all had been well over the summer and she really hoped that Connor was sticking to his resolve to stay sober after the <em>incident</em>. She liked having her brother around and she wanted it to stay that way. She’d forgiven him mostly, and just wanted them to be friends, she’d always wanted that. </p><p>But her mom forcing them to go out into the woods together as a “family” was probably not the best way to keep all of them sane. Or at least her and Connor sane. And she was going to have to take matters into her own hands to salvage even a little of the afternoon, and that meant ditching her parents as soon as possible. </p><p>Zoe sneakily hits Connor’s arm to get his attention and looks over to the trailhead that’s in the opposite direction of her parents, asking him silently if he wanted to go explore with her, while simultaneously escaping their parents together. And she’s not completely sure inviting Connor along was the right move, but it had to be better than listening to their parents argue, right? </p><p>Plus, she didn’t want to get lost or be totally by herself, so dragging Connor into her scheme was probably a good call. And then maybe they could actually “bond” or whatever, without the prying, judge-y eyes of their parents watching over them like they had all summer. </p><p>Connor nods at her subtly, agreeing to her plan, knowing even if they were bored to death on some other trail, at least they wouldn’t have to hear about ‘The Omnivore’s Dilemma’ or whatever their mom was into these days, or get reprimanded for also being on their phones like their dad.</p><p>Zoe meets Connor’s eyeline again and they both slowly start to slow down and walk backwards until there’s a good distance between them and their parents, (who were oblivious to the fact that their children were no longer behind them) and then they turn and jog towards the trail and keep going until they can’t see Cynthia and Larry anymore. </p><p>When they’re alone, Zoe looks over to Connor again and both of them just bust up laughing. Their mom was probably going to be so mad when she realized they were gone, but they could deal with that later, for now the thrill of expertly pulling off a ruse was keeping them excited and giggly. </p><p>“Oh my god, I thought we’d be trapped there forever. Tell me again why Mom thought this was a good idea for ‘the family’,” Connor laughs, starting down the secluded path, figuring they might as well explore if they were going to be there for a while. </p><p>“To bond, don’t you know Connor? To be really <em>present</em> in the moment,” Zoe says emphasizing ‘present’ to really tease her mom even though she wasn’t there. She didn’t know why her mom was just so much sometimes. They didn’t need a day to bond, they all just needed time and patience and the chance to come back together naturally. Force wasn’t going to help. Especially not by doing something none of them liked.</p><p>“I could be <em>presently</em> finishing the sketch I was working on, but we’re here instead,” Connor complains, knowing that Zoe would understand, that she probably had other stuff to be doing too. But if they were going to be stuck here, might as well actually walk down the trail, so he starts down the path casually looking around at the trees, not really waiting for Zoe to follow, assuming she would.</p><p>“Tell me about it. I need to be practicing non-stop if I want to make first chair this year. It’s never gone to someone who wasn’t a senior and I want that spot, so spending all afternoon in the forest isn’t really helping me,” Zoe says, crouching down to pick up an interesting looking leaf on the path, before setting it down again, and walking a little faster to catch back up with Connor. </p><p>“Um, well, what I’ve heard sounds really good. When are tryouts, um, no, um auditions?” Connor asks sincerely, his voice softening from all the complaining from earlier. Zoe gives him a small smile and it makes her feel better to know Connor was trying, that he was doing his best to be supportive. It was a big change for him to be interested in what she was working on without using it to put her down.</p><p>“The first week of school, usually on Thursday. Juniors and seniors get to audition during class and freshman and sophomores after school. Speaking of school though, how are you feeling about going back?” Zoe asks him, extending the same support Connor was trying to offer her. School was a sensitive topic for Connor and last year hadn’t been good, so she knew it was risky to bring it up, but she was curious and wanted to know if she could help. She was really hoping their summer wasn’t a one-time thing, that when school started Connor wouldn't go back to using and pushing her away. </p><p>“I don’t want to talk about school, god Zoe, way to ruin everything,” Connor huffs, kicking a rock roughly, annoyed with her for asking about it even though it kind of went hand in hand with the topic of band. School didn’t start for another month-ish and Connor didn’t want to think about it until then, he didn’t need Zoe to remind him of the hell that was to come.    </p><p>“Sorry,” Zoe says quietly, looking away from her brother and at the ground, resigned to not asking anything else, worried she might say the wrong thing again and make him even madder. They’d been having a fun time commiserating about their parents, laughing together but she guesses that was over now. </p><p>They continue on the trail silently, and Zoe can’t help but wonder if she should’ve just stayed with her parents. </p><p> </p><p>== </p><p> </p><p>Evan doesn’t know how long he’s just been sitting up in the oak tree, considering what would happen if he just jumped. He thinks it’d be better all around if he just did it, but every time he stands up, he immediately just sits back down again. And it infuriates him. </p><p>He couldn’t manage to do a single easy task right. The one thing he’d decided would help him, and he couldn’t even do it. He was a coward and a waste of space and he’d probably mess it up anyway. </p><p>But there was probably an easier way to do this. Maybe he could go home get his anxiety meds and come back to Ellison. He doesn’t really know what they’d do, but maybe they’d make him sleepy if he took enough. If he was sleepy then his brain wouldn’t be focusing so hard on making him sit back down, keeping him from letting go.  </p><p>Yes, yes, this was a better a plan. There was less room for him ruining it by thinking too much. This was what he needed to do. And the park was far from closing, he had plenty of time to sneak away and come back with his meds. He supposes the fact that no one ever noticed him was a good thing because he could be gone and back without drawing any attention to himself.  </p><p>Evan stands up shakily, feeling okay about his new plan, knowing that it was the only way this would work. He tries to quickly maneuver his way back down the tree, but he’s too busy thinking about where exactly his meds were in his room, wondering if he should bring anything else, like maybe his fast-acting Xanax, that he grossly miscalculates where the next branch should be. </p><p>Evan drops all his weight into a branch that doesn’t exist, and he feels himself instinctually grab for the branches above him, clinging on to them as his feet slip out from underneath him. And he just hangs there, his heart racing and his vision starting to blur. </p><p>Here he was dangling in a tree, forty feet in the air, but this is what he wanted, right? Had this been a sign from the universe telling him that he shouldn’t wait to go home and come back? That he was making the right decision? That everything would be better if he fell from this tree?</p><p>Evan knew he was strong enough to pull himself up or at least swing himself to a different branch, but should he?  Even if he made it down the tree uninjured, he knows he’d just go through his plan to come back with his medication, so why should he waste this opportunity? He was making everything better for the people around him. And he briefly thinks about his mom one more time, and she’d probably be sad at first, but that’s just because she was supposed to be sad, eventually she’d realize she was happier without him. He just knows it. </p><p>And oddly, he thinks of Zoe Murphy, the girl he thought the world of but who didn’t know him, and he thinks it’s probably better they never met, so she’d never see the sweaty, stutter-y mess he truly was. And it’s comforting to him, that in this last moment he got to remember her and know he’d never somehow ruin her life too. It gives him the courage to move forward with the new plan fate had given him. </p><p>Evan takes a deep breath and just lets go. </p><p> </p><p>== </p><p> </p><p>Zoe and Connor had been walking soundlessly down the trail and Zoe had been trying to think of something to say to her brother, to get them back to laughing and having fun again. She hated the silence, hated the unknown that came with it. If people were shouting at her at least she knew they were mad, if they were smiling and laughing, she knew they were happy, but when people weren’t doing anything, she couldn’t tell what was happening and how she could fix it. </p><p>Zoe always wanted to fix things, wanted to help. She never wanted to stand idly by and watch bad things happen when she thought she could do something. And right now, she thought if she could just get her and Connor talking again, then she could help them both. She just wanted to show Connor that she was trying too, trying to forgive him. </p><p>But everything that crosses her mind sounds dumb to ask. Do you think that tree looks cool Connor? Um, I like that flower, do you? That’s a big rock. A rock, really? That’s all Zoe could come up with to talk to her brother? The pure absurdity of it all would probably make Connor even more annoyed. So she doesn’t ask any of them and she just continues to walk on. </p><p>That is until she hears a loud crash coming from somewhere slightly off the trail path next to them, so she immediately stops, turns to Connor, and asks, “Did you hear that? I heard something.” </p><p>Connor looks a little frazzled by Zoe suddenly talking after their tense silence and he doesn’t think he heard anything, so he wasn’t sure what she was talking about. But he was glad Zoe was talking to him, he immediately felt bad after he told her she ruined everything, but he didn’t know how to fix it or apologize, he just hadn’t wanted to talk about school, he didn’t want to not talk at all. </p><p>“Um, I didn’t hear anything. If you did it was probably just a pinecone falling or something Zo,” Connor tells her, not knowing what else to say. They were out here alone, at least he thought so, he hadn’t seen anyone down this trail since him and Zoe had gotten there. Maybe there were animals or something that were making noise, either way it was probably just <em>nature</em>, nothing that concerned them. </p><p>“No way Connor, it couldn’t have been a pinecone. I heard something and I’m going to go look around,” Zoe says determinedly, already walking off the cleared path in the direction of the mysterious noise. And Connor wants to stop her and pull her back knowing she shouldn’t just be wandering the forest alone (he listened to podcasts, he knew the forest was sketch), but she was already too far gone to grab. </p><p>Why was his little sister so stubborn? Connor doesn’t know what to do, but he knows he can’t let Zoe be alone, so he starts in the general direction she went and starts to look around for her, hoping he would find some evidence that the alleged sound was nothing, hoping to just find Zoe and turn them both around.</p><p> </p><p>== </p><p> </p><p>Evan wasn’t sure what was going on. He felt confused and just really tired. His head hurt, his body hurt, and he couldn’t even feel his left arm at all. Where was he? What had happened? The last thing he remembered was climbing and thinking about…oh god, was he dead? Was this really what the afterlife was like? Just like real life except more painful?</p><p>No, he wasn’t dead, Evan decides when he feels leaves starting to tickle his face and his whole body starts to hurt even more than when he first woke up. This all felt too tangible for it to be anything other than real-life. </p><p>He felt like he couldn’t move at all, and every time he tried his body felt like it was on fire, so he just lays there, feeling both the literal pain from his fall and the emotional pain that came with it. He tried to…he had really tried to kill himself, and it hadn’t worked. It should’ve worked, but it didn’t. He was very much alive, and he’d have to live with himself knowing what he’d attempted to do. Why couldn’t he have just died? But it’s just too much to think about right now. He had to figure something out for this moment. What was he going to do since he couldn’t move? </p><p>If he felt alone before, he felt even more alone now. The reality was no one knew where he was and if he couldn’t get up, no one would come looking for him. There was no one who could help him, no one who would care that he was injured on the forest floor, just no one. He’d probably die here, slow and alone, as karma for thinking he could do something right. And even though he desperately doesn’t want to, he starts to cry again, letting hot, sad tears of anguish roll down his cheeks and into the soil. </p><p>And he knows it’s useless, but all he can think about is how much he just wants someone to find him. Someone, literally anyone to find him and say, “I see you” and “I heard you” and “I’ll help you.” But as it’d already proved once today, the universe didn’t really care what Evan Hansen wanted. The universe just wanted to screw him over. </p><p>
  <em>“Hello? Hello, is anybody there? Is everything okay?”</em>
</p><p>Evan swears he hears a voice in the distance, and he has no idea if he’s imagining it or it’s real. There’s no way it could be real, right? Nobody went down this path, let alone strayed away from the designated trail. But the voice sounded light and pretty, and it makes him feel the tiniest bit better, even though he was sure it was just his brain making it up in order to make him feel better. There wasn’t a chance that anybody was really calling out for him, looking to help him. </p><p>“Hell- oh my god, are you okay?” the voice asks him and Evan thinks he can hear the crunching of leaves around him which makes him think that maybe someone was there, but he can’t sit up and look around, so he thinks his first thought is probably right, it was just his mind playing tricks on him, trying to bring him comfort when every breath he took right now was agonizing. </p><p>It isn’t until he feels someone sit down right next to his head, blocking the sun from his barely open eyes, and touches his shoulder that he believes a real person found him. And they ask him again, “Are you okay? What I can I do to help?” </p><p>Evan tries really hard to open his eyes more, to see who had found him on the worst day of his life and when he does, he’s pretty sure he was wrong and is actually dead or hallucinating, because there was absolutely no way in hell that <em>Zoe Murphy</em> just found him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Just To Live For The Hope Of It All Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zoe and Connor help Evan.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!!! So full disclosure, this is not the whole chapter that I outlined. I got really busy at work and couldn't quite finish but I wanted to post something tonight because I promised Tuesdays. And I'm thinking that the next chapter will be a little Part 2 situation and likely won't be a full length chapter (this one plus that one is more what I was hoping for in typical chapter length). I'm hoping to get the next little part out in the next few days though and another full chapter out next Tuesday! So please bear with me! </p>
<p>But also thank you to everyone who is excited about this story and is reading or has left comments and kudos and subscribed or bookmarked! It is so sweet and I love you all!</p>
<p>P.S. I'm trying out switching between Connor's, Zoe's, and Evan's POV so if you have any thoughts about that I'd love to hear them!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zoe can’t really believe that Connor had thought she’d heard a pinecone fall and had tried to keep her from investigating. She’d been right, someone clearly needed their help and that someone was right in front of her and starting to realize that she was really there, that someone was there to help him. </p>
<p>“Z-Zoe? Zoe M-Murphy?” the boy asks, confused, like he couldn’t believe she was real. But she figured it was good he recognized her, even if he was still a little dazed because it meant that he probably didn’t have too much trauma to his head. She’d learned a lot about what falling could do to you recently and she was glad that from the outside he mostly looked okay. So she smiles widely at him, hoping it would make him feel a little better, a little safer.</p>
<p>And now that his eyes were open and looking up at her, Zoe starts to recognize him too. She was pretty positive this boy she’d found was Evan Hansen and he was in Connor’s grade. He looked tanner and his hair looked a little blonder and longer than when she’d last seen him at school and she thinks he probably spent a lot of time outside this summer, which makes sense seeing how she found him on the forest floor.</p>
<p>Zoe didn’t know too much about Evan, but she’d seen him alone in the hallways at school and he always looked like school was the last place he wanted to be. She figured it was just because he was super shy or something because he never gave off the same loner-vibes as Connor did. And she wasn’t going to lie, whenever she caught a glimpse of him at school, she always thought about going up to him because he was kind of adorable. But other people always distracted her, or he disappeared, so she never really got the chance to. </p>
<p>“Evan? Evan can you hear me?” Zoe asks, hoping that using his name will make him a little more alert, maybe convince him she was really there to help him because he still looked really stunned. But he did just appear to have fallen from a tree, so she can’t really judge him on his alertness.</p>
<p>“Evan?” he repeats back to her, seemingly even more confused than before. Oh god, the kid’s name wasn’t Evan, and she must have mixed him up with someone else or misheard his name in the hall. What if it was like Ivan or Ethan or something completely different? She probably just made him feel even worse because he clearly knew who she was, and she wasn’t positive of his identity. </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry. I thought your name was Evan,” Zoe apologizes, continuing to watch his expression, trying to gage how he was feeling with her mistaking him for someone else. </p>
<p>“No, it is. It’s Evan. I’m sorry,” Evan says more energetically, which calms Zoe down tremendously, knowing that she did actually know who he was, and that Evan was starting to be more aware. And it makes her blush a little remembering that he knew her too. She thought it was sweet, especially since they were in different grades and he didn’t need to know her. </p>
<p>“Well, I’d say I’m Zoe, but I think you already know that,” Zoe tells him playfully, smiling at him again, moving her hand from where it had stayed on his shoulder to gently sweep away some of the leaves that were on him. </p>
<p>“Um, yeah, but I don’t know you in a weird way or anything. I, uh, I saw you play guitar in jazz band before and you were really good. And I love jazz, well not all jazz, but definitely like jazz band jazz. Oh my god that was so weird I’m sorry,” Evan says, probably all in one breath, and Zoe’s not really sure how he could go from barely speaking to rambling so quickly, and she doesn’t know if he always talked like this or it was a result of his fall. But she thinks it’s pretty cute either way and can’t help but giggle a little at him. Plus she was sure talking was a good sign that he was okay cognitively, even if he was babbling just a bit. </p>
<p>“You don’t need to apologize Evan. I love jazz band jazz too. I think this is really good that we’re talking, and we should keep doing it, but do you think you could sit up?” Zoe asks him, thinking that if he could move on his own, he should try now, and that a change from laying on the ground might help him get some more wits about him. </p>
<p>But Zoe doesn’t get the reaction she was hoping for because Evan looks scared, not hopeful, when he tells her quietly, “I don’t know.” </p>
<p>“Hey, that’s okay, everything will be okay. And my brother Connor is around here somewhere too. I’m going to get up and call out for him, okay? We can both help you Evan, I promise,” Zoe tells him, brushing his cheek with her thumb ever so gently. She didn’t want him to think she was leaving him, but she did think it was probably time to find Connor and get him to help too. If Evan really couldn’t move on his own, then she’d definitely need Connor’s help. But she knew no matter what, she was going to do everything possible to make sure Evan Hansen was okay. She thinks it was almost like fate that she found him, and now she was responsible for him and she was going to take that seriously, starting with more help. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>==</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Evan still feels like he’s in a little bit of shock from his fall and from being found by Zoe Murphy. And he hadn’t been hallucinating her. She was <em>real</em>. She touched his cheek. He heard her pretty laugh. She wanted to help him, even though he was being completely weird about the jazz band thing. She was still helping him.  </p>
<p>And the soft, assured way she was speaking to him makes him think, for the first time since ever, that everything might actually be okay. Sure he’d just…fallen out of a tree and his body hurt all over, but somehow he doesn’t register any of that when Zoe was talking to him.</p>
<p>That is until she says she’s getting up. Evan wants to believe that she’ll come back to him, but he’s almost certain she won’t. He knew she did have a brother named Connor who went to school with them, so he guesses he really could be out in the forest too. But it was probably just an excuse. Zoe probably felt obligated to help the person she found, until she figured out who he was. And she could run off right now and never come back and Evan would understand. </p>
<p>But he does faintly hear her yell from a distance, “Connor! Connor, I’m over here! I need your help!” </p>
<p>And to his total surprise, Zoe comes back to him and sits in the same spot as before, close to his head, and softly sets her hand back on his shoulder. The gentle weight of her hand melts away all the tension he was holding, afraid of her leaving, afraid of being left completely alone, just like he always was. </p>
<p>They don’t say anything for a few minutes, waiting for Connor, but Zoe keeps her hand on him, moving her thumb soothingly back and forth and she keeps smiling at him. And Evan doesn’t know how, but her little ministrations and her genuine smile were making him feeling better. His left arm still hurt incredibly, but he thought he might be able to sit up soon, which was something that seemed impossible five minutes ago. </p>
<p>Evan’s startled from the sound of who he presumes is Connor Murphy finding where they’d been sitting, well laying in his case, below the big oak tree. The sound of Connor’s heavier boots crunching against the dried leaves is all that Evan can hear and he doesn’t even try to move his head to see him, never looking away from Zoe. And he’s not sure if he doesn’t look to Connor because it’d be hard or he just can’t look away from Zoe. It probably didn’t matter, he knew what Connor Murphy looked like.  </p>
<p>He knew Connor (kind of) from school and knew they were in the same grade, and he wouldn’t say that he was afraid of Connor by any means, but he knew Connor Murphy didn’t have the best reputation at school. Evan tried to only judge people by things <em>he</em> saw, not by what people said. And he’d never seen Connor do anything bad or mean, so in his mind, Connor was probably just misunderstood. But honestly what did he know about anyone?</p>
<p>“Holy fuck, what happened?” Connor says a little insensitively, very different from when Zoe first approached him, and he hadn’t really been prepared for either of them to ask him what happened. How had he not thought about what he should say? He couldn’t tell them truth, he just couldn’t.</p>
<p>“I, um, I, don’t, I d-don’t,” Evan starts, getting panicked that even if he denied it or said ‘I don’t know’ that somehow Zoe and Connor would just <em>know</em> and decide he didn’t deserve help anymore and leave him. He needed to think of something to say, because they couldn’t know. </p>
<p>“Hey, hey Evan, it’s okay,” Zoe says reassuringly, brushing his bangs away from his forehead gently and comfortingly. Evan sees her look over him and glare a little bit at Connor before turning her attention back to him and asking softly, “Did you fall?” </p>
<p>All Evan can manage to do is nod his head and it looks like it’s a good enough answer for Zoe, and he hopes for everyone else who might ask. He fell while climbing, that was all. Nothing more to it. An easy mistake, even for experienced climbers. An accident. Evan fell from the tree; he didn’t let go. Maybe if he told it enough times, it’d become true. </p>
<p>“Evan do you think you could try sitting up now? Both me and Connor can help you,” Zoe says, gesturing for Connor to come closer to Evan on his other side, just in case he tumbled away from Zoe instead of towards her when he sat up. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I think so,” Evan says meekly as both Zoe and Connor move their hands to under his shoulder blades, getting ready to help him sit up. And he really does think he can do it because the more Zoe kept being nice to him and the longer both siblings stuck around, the better he was starting to feel. </p>
<p>Connor takes the lead with helping and counts down from three before both him and Zoe lift Evan’s back up, aiding him in sitting up. And Evan’s glad that both of them keep their hands on him because the change in positioning makes him feel light-headed and he starts to sway towards Zoe, unable to steady himself without their support. </p>
<p>After a few minutes Evan starts to feel okay and he feels Connor move his hands away, but Zoe keeps hers against his back, one drifting to his low back and the other settling on his bicep. And he couldn’t be more appreciate of Zoe Murphy than in this moment. She was like a life-preserver and he was going to cling to her and her kindness through this whole thing. This would probably be their one and only interaction, so he had to make the most of it.</p>
<p>Sitting up has Evan reevaluating where his body was still hurting and what he could actually move now. It’s immediately concerning to him that he still can’t feel his left arm and he was honestly too afraid to look down and check on his own arm. What if in some crazy turn of events his arm was like gone and Connor and Zoe had been too polite to say anything to him? What if it was so mangled that even if he made it to see a doctor, they couldn’t fix it? What if they did fix it but it got infected somehow so he lost it anyway?</p>
<p>“I can’t feel my arm. Do you guys think that’s bad? Does it look bad to you?” Evan asks them a little frantically, hoping to stop his own thought spiral from going any further. Zoe hadn’t lied to him about coming back, so she probably wouldn’t lie to him about his arm, right? </p>
<p>Evan watches as Zoe and Connor both glance down at his arm which was hanging limp at his side, shoulder sagging lower than his right side, and then to each other, trying to decide who should tell him the probably horrible news. And it’s Connor who tells him, “Evan, um it’s probably broken. You should probably go to the hospital. Is there anyone we could call for you maybe?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>==</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Connor immediately regrets asking Evan if there was someone they could call because now he looked even more panicked than before and Connor didn’t mean to upset him more. He had just been trying to be more sympathetic like Zoe. And he knew his own parents would want to know straight away if him or Zoe were seriously injured like Evan, so wouldn’t Evan’s parents want that too?    </p>
<p>“My m-mom, but um, she’s at work. She w-won’t answer, she can’t an-answer,” Evan says, gasping between every word and struggling to get his breathing back under control. And Connor feels bad that Evan didn’t have anyone else to reach out to and it was obviously the wrong thing to ask him. And he didn’t appreciate that Zoe was glaring at him again. It’s not like he was purposely trying to make Evan upset, he was honestly trying to help, just like she was.</p>
<p>Connor shoots Zoe an exasperated look back as she petted down Evan’s hair in an attempt to calm him once more from Connor’s question. And it’s not exactly fair that Zoe was getting annoyed with his questions to Evan. He really was trying to help. Evan seemed like a nice person and clearly needed him and his sister right now. And selfishly, he really wanted to show Zoe that he could help a situation, not be the cause of a situation. And he clearly had a long way to go to prove that to her. </p>
<p>“Evan, you seem to be doing okay sitting, do you think you could try standing up all the way?” Zoe asks Evan softly and slowly, and Connor can’t help but admire how gentle and level-headed Zoe was being right now. She was doing a really good job at keeping Evan comfortable but pushing them towards the goal of getting him to move. But then again, he remembers Zoe was always good in stressful situations, always trying to help. Whenever he’d get home high and just dazed, she’d always help him to his room, and when he was high and reactive, she’d always done her best to de-escalate the situation, even if it didn’t work. </p>
<p>“Um, no not yet, but I think maybe in a few minutes,” Evan says quietly, and Connor thinks he looks disappointed at his answer and Connor doesn’t know why. Evan just fell out of a tree, from probably high up, so it was pretty understandable that he was having trouble moving. And that was without taking his (very obviously) broken arm into consideration.</p>
<p>“That’s okay. We’ll stay with you for however long you need. And then our parents can take you to the hospital. And we’ll all stay with you there too. If you need us, me and Connor will be there,” Zoe tells him, and Evan gives her a little nod, clearly thankful that she was there and being so nice. Connor hopes Evan was at least a little thankful he was there too. </p>
<p>It’s quiet again as Zoe continues to comfort Evan and he tries to get his labored breathing under control and Connor doesn’t really like the silence, so when he notices the Ellison State Park logo on Evan’s polo, he thinks it’s safe to ask, “Hey Evan do you work at the park?” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m an apprentice park ranger for the summer. I was supposed to be taking care of this trail but um, I was climbing instead. My bosses are going to be so mad at me, I was being so stupid,” Evan says getting worked up again after Zoe had calmed him from Connor’s question about who they could call for him. And Connor can’t believe that he’d asked something once again that made Evan upset, so he looks down and away from Zoe just so he didn’t have to see her glare at him some more.  </p>
<p>How was Zoe doing such a good job at keeping Evan calm and soothed, when he was just making everything worse? But the more he thinks about it, maybe Evan kind of got upset about everything and honestly, he gets that, he got upset about a lot too. He really only knew of Evan from school and he never seemed to be with other students and he always looked super uncomfortable. But Connor also hated school and never talked to anyone in class either, and he still wanted friends, he still wanted people to reach out. Maybe Evan was the same way, kind of. Connor never got panicked, he always got angry. </p>
<p>“Evan, they won’t be mad, we were just there the trail looks great,” Zoe says softly, and Connor wishes he could say something nice too. Evan seems to like the things that Zoe was saying, so Connor adds awkwardly, “Yeah, Evan the path was super nice.” </p>
<p>And probably for the first time since he got there, Evan looks to him and manages to give him the smallest of smiles, and that makes Connor feel a lot better. Maybe a lot more could come from his sister finding Evan. Maybe Evan wanted a friend just as much as he did. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>==</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, um, you guys are probably right. They probably won’t even notice, they don’t really even notice me at all,” Evan says without thinking. And oh god, why did he just say that? Why would he tell them that no one, not even his bosses cared about him? Connor and Zoe, especially Zoe, had been so nice to him, but why would they continue to want to if they knew no one else did? They knew his mom wouldn’t care, that work came first to her and now they knew no one at his work cared either. They were probably going to leave him too. He had one shot, one miracle, to not make these two kids hate him, and he was blowing it with everything he said. </p>
<p>“No, Evan don’t say that. We’ll tell them there was an accident and thankfully you’re okay. You being okay is way more important than a trail not having sticks on it or whatever. They’ll be happy that you’re okay, I promise,” Zoe tells him confidently, just like she’d said everything else. He’s not sure he 100% believed her, but it was kind of hard not to when she spoke to him like that and when she kept her hand on him, continuing to make tiny circles on his back. And just a small part of him wants to believe her, so he decides he was going to and nods at her. </p>
<p>“I, I think I could maybe try standing now. I don’t want to bother you guys for too much longer,” Evan says, deciding that even if he believed Zoe that his bosses wouldn’t be mad, he still probably shouldn’t make them stay longer than necessary. He should give them an out, just in case they wanted to take it but were still just being polite. </p>
<p>“Evan, you’re not bothering us,” Connor says, his tone slightly in disbelief that Evan thought he was upsetting him or Zoe. And Evan found it a little harder to believe Connor over Zoe, but it was nice that Connor was being really nice to him too. </p>
<p>“We’re absolutely taking you to the hospital and we’ll stay for as long as you need us to, all night even, if that’s what it takes,” Zoe tells him and all Evan can do is nod his head again and try not to cry from being too overwhelmed by Zoe’s sincerity and kindness. He’d always thought she was probably those things from what he’d noticed about her, but now he knew for sure.</p>
<p>“You ready to stand Evan?” Connor asks him and Evan nods again giving a faint, “yeah”, letting Zoe and Connor know they could get up to help him up too. And Connor counts down again and Evan does his best to stand with them, cradling his broken arm against his chest. </p>
<p>And when he’s fully upright, he’s immediately hit with a wave a nausea and blinding pain from standing. He can’t control himself as he curls forward and throws up in front of all three of them. And it’s not even normal throw up because Evan hadn’t eaten in a while, mostly bile, sour and horrible. </p>
<p>He sees the grossed-out look on Connor’s face and to a lesser extent, the same one on Zoe’s, and he can’t help but blurt out a bunch of apologies, saying, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. It just hurt a lot. I’m so, so sorry.” </p>
<p>Zoe immediately stops looking horrified by the throw up and starts rubbing Evan’s back again very gently, trying to convey that it was okay. But Evan knew it wasn’t, he was even more embarrassed by this than anything he’d done ever. There was no way they would stay after he threw up on them. </p>
<p>But they do stay. And they keep helping him. </p>
<p>Zoe wraps her arm securely around Evan’s waist and Connor follows her lead, setting his hand gently on what was Evan’s probably dislocated shoulder in order to help steady him when they started to walk. </p>
<p>And without saying anything else, about apologizing or about the throwing up incident all three of them start to walk, hobble in Evan’s case, back to the main path. Evan still truly can’t wrap his mind around the fact these two were helping him so much. He doesn’t know how he’ll ever thank them, if they even want to see him after this. And that tiny bit of hope that made him want to believe Zoe, makes him want to believe that they might. </p>
<p>But of course, Evan, being Evan, decides to push that small bit of hope and asks them, “Um, not to be weird, but what were you guys doing out here? Not that I’m not thankful you were. Actually, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that; it was rude and I’m sorry.” </p>
<p>“Dude you say sorry a lot,” Connor tells him, grinning in a way that Evan can’t tell if he’s being like playful like Zoe had been earlier or if he was teasing Evan. It makes him wish he just hadn’t said anything. He hated not knowing what people meant when they said something. </p>
<p>“Connor, don’t be a dick,” Zoe says, reaching in front of Evan to flick Connor, before turning to look up at Evan to tell him, “It’s okay Evan, you can ask us things, it’s not weird or rude. We were out here having a family day with our parents.” </p>
<p>Evan shoots her a confused look, because if they were supposed to be with there parents, why were they both out here? He knows if his mom had taken him for a family day hiking, he’d probably stayed glued to her side, hoping that she was interested in what he would be saying about the trees. </p>
<p>“Well, sometimes our parents are a lot and there’s only so much we can take, you know?” Zoe starts again, seeing Evan’s unsure look. And Evan really was unsure about why they’d wish their parents weren’t around. He only had one parent and constantly wished she were around. But Evan just nods again, agreeing with Zoe, so she keeps explaining, “So me and Connor decided to explore a little on our own. I heard you fall, which Connor totally thought was a pinecone by the way, and I knew something was wrong, so I came to look.” </p>
<p>“Well I hope I didn’t ruin your family day,” Evan tells both of them, and is about to say sorry again when Connor interrupts him to say, “You really didn’t Evan. Seriously, believe us.”</p>
<p>“Okay, um, okay,” Evan mumbles, not really sure what else would make sense for him to say, only kind of believing Connor. But at least they were starting to see the edges of the main part of the park, where all the trails started and where all the buildings were. </p>
<p>“Hey Con, do you think you could go tell Evan’s bosses that we’re taking him to the hospital while we look for Mom and Dad?” Zoe asks her brother, stopping their walking, to set up a plan. And Evan thinks honestly to give him a chance to catch his breath and take a little break from walking. He’d been leaning heavily on her for the last little bit of the trail and he didn’t want to push Zoe or himself too far. </p>
<p>Another look that Evan can’t really decipher flashes across Connor’s face before Connor looks Evan up and down and his whole demeanor changes. Evan wants to know what he was thinking about but knows enough about what you can ask people to know that was actually rude. And he didn’t want to make Connor or Zoe upset. </p>
<p>But then he agrees with his sister, saying, “Okay yeah I will. The faster we get Evan help, the better. Evan, what are your boss’s names?”</p>
<p>“Um, Paige and Steve and they might be in the office,” Evan tells him, wobbling just a little as Connor moved away from him. Evan’s bobble prompts Zoe to hold him even tighter, clearly dead set on not letting him fall again. And Evan was sure his face was probably already red, but he can feel a tiny blush creeping in anyway. But he kind of likes it and that’s a new feeling. </p>
<p>“Okay, I’ll find them and meet you back at Mom’s car,” Connor says, turning and jogging towards the office buildings, but not before he gives Evan a tiny awkward smile as Evan says quietly, “Thank you Connor, thank you for helping me.” </p>
<p>And Evan doesn’t know for sure, because he’d probably wake up tomorrow and change his mind, but right now in this moment, he was more thankful than he’d ever been that his plan hadn’t worked. That someone had found him. That that someone was Zoe Murphy. That she had a brother. That they both were willing to help him when no one else would.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next up aka the end of Chapter Two, the Murphy family takes Evan to the hospital! And then Connor and Evan bond as friends :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Just To Live For The Hope Of It All Part II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Murphy's take Evan to the hospital and Evan makes two friends.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!! Here's the second part to chapter two that was supposed to come out on Tuesday. So originally I said I was hoping for longer chapters like I Should Tell Her, but I'm thinking that might be a little too hard right now with my work schedule. My outline hasn't changed and the story will still be pretty long but I'd rather give more consistent, slightly shorter updates and maybe drop in a couple surprise mid-week updates or longer chapters here and there when I have a chance to write longer than be super stressed about a word count or that I didn't quite finish my whole outline for a chapter. I hope that's okay because I'm really excited for this story and you guys seems excited too! So I want to keep that excitement up but I don't want to feel burned out either. But please don't fear! I will indeed finish this work and hopefully you all will like it :) </p>
<p>And thank you so much for reading and for all the love for this story with all the kudos and bookmarks and comments and everything! It means so much to me and I appreciate all of you so much!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zoe was glad Connor listened to her without putting up much of a fuss. They needed to split up so that they could get Evan to the doctor faster. Because based on the way he was leaning on her for support, their walk was taking a toll on him. And there was no way she was letting him out of her sight, no way. And it didn’t seem like Evan would mind staying with her anyway.</p>
<p>She wanted to just check in with him though now that they were alone. And she probably would have if Connor was still with them, but Evan seemed like he was a little overwhelmed by not one but two people trying to talk to him, so it was probably just easier on him to have to focus on one concerned friend. And she gets the impression that it might be a first for him. Having a friend. </p>
<p>“How are you doing Evan?” Zoe asks, opting to not ask if he was okay, because clearly he wasn’t, but she wanted some sort of indication of how he was feeling so she could better help him. </p>
<p>And she watches him as he struggles to answer, and she feels bad because she knew it was a loaded question, that physically his arm was completely broken which wasn’t good, and emotionally he thought that her or Connor were going to leave him at any moment, also not good.</p>
<p>“Um, I’m better since you’re here. You didn’t have to help me and you did, so thank you,” Evan says sheepishly, looking down and away from her, like he was a little worried about his answer. But she doesn’t think he should be. She was happy that he felt better when she was there. That she could be there for him. </p>
<p>Zoe may have only talked to Evan Hansen for the first time today, but she already knew she liked him and knew they were going to be good friends. And she could see a future where they were maybe a little more than friends, but that was probably very much in the future. Right now, she needed to get Evan to believe that she did want to befriend him and that was probably going to be its own feat. </p>
<p>“Well, I’m glad I was there. 10 out of 10 would do it again,” Zoe says playfully, smiling up at him again, hoping that Evan knows she doesn’t mean she wanted him to fall again, but would always want to help him if he needed it. And the very small timid smile he gives her back makes her think that he was starting to trust that a little bit too. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>==</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Evan and Zoe slowly walk a little closer to the park center, with Zoe explaining what her parents were wearing and what they looked like in case Evan saw them before she did, and Evan was glad for the small distraction of searching. </p>
<p>He was feeling a little weird, which was usually normal for him, but this was a different kind of weird. Zoe and Connor were being so nice to him and Zoe was assuring him their parents would be too, but he wasn’t sure that was even possible. And he didn’t have any experience dealing with parents who weren’t his own mom. The last parent he’d seen was at Jared’s bar mitzvah when Jared’s mom had briefly said hi to him before finding Heidi to chat with. And she was only nice to him (kind of) because of Heidi. </p>
<p>And Zoe kept telling him they’d take him to the hospital and that they’d stay with him, but why would they do that for him? Everything she was saying didn’t make a lot of sense to him so he couldn’t figure out exactly how he was supposed to feel and that just left him feeling weird. </p>
<p>“Oh Evan, I see them, they’re over there,” Zoe says, pointing to a middle-aged couple that was emerging from a trail nearby. They looked like maybe they were arguing about something and that worries Evan a little. If they were already in a somewhat disgruntled mood, then they definitely wouldn’t be happy about having to help some weirdo boy who their kids happened to find. </p>
<p>“Mom, Dad, we have to help my friend Evan,” Zoe says, steadying Evan and letting him go for probably the first time since she went to find Connor so she could jog up to her parents and point to Evan. <em>Friend?</em> Had Zoe just called him her friend? </p>
<p>Evan had never had anyone referred to him as a friend before and it makes him feel a little warm inside and not from the pain in his arm. Until he realizes that was probably the only normal word she could use to introduce him. Because what could she have said instead? This random classmate of Connor’s we found on the ground? Zoe Murphy didn’t actually think they were friends. </p>
<p>But as soon as her parents see her and glance over to him, Zoe was back at his side with a comforting arm wrapped around his waist once more. So maybe they weren’t quite friends yet, but maybe Evan didn’t need to think of himself as random either. </p>
<p>“Zoe, where were you? What happened?” Zoe’s mom asks at the same time her dad asks, “What did Connor do?” </p>
<p>And Evan’s a little confused at Zoe’s parent’s tones, somehow both accusatory and concerned at the same time and he’s too nervous to say anything at all to them so he just lets Zoe do all the talking. And he can tell already by her tone that she was annoyed with them when she says, “Connor didn’t do anything. We stopped earlier to look at something and then we looked for you guys and you were gone.”  </p>
<p>Evan knows that Zoe’s not telling the complete truth because she told him that her and Connor needed a break from their parents and snuck off and that definitely sounded more real. But honestly, he doesn’t care that she’s lying just the tiniest bit because he did that too. He lied to his mom about little things all the time. And when he asked, she told him the truth and that made him feel like she trusted him and that was really nice.</p>
<p>“We found Evan and he fell and got hurt. We’re pretty sure his arm is broken, and he needs to go to the hospital. Connor went to tell Evan’s bosses, he works at the park,” Zoe tells them, filling in the rest of the story as to why she came back to them unexpectedly with a disheveled boy in tow. </p>
<p>Evan sees Zoe’s mom look him up and down once and her facial expression immediately softens when she sees Evan cradling his arm pathetically and the tear stains that were probably on his face. Evan shouldn’t have doubted Zoe when she said her parents would be nice because her mom comes close to him and comfortingly brushes his hair back (the same way Zoe had been doing earlier) and says, “Oh you poor thing, of course we’ll help you. Have you called your parents yet though?” </p>
<p>Evan’s really nervous to answer her and tell her that his mom wouldn’t answer that it wasn’t even worth trying and he didn’t want to be rude or make them think he was weird by letting Zoe answer for every little thing, so he says quietly, “Um, my mom, she’s um at work. But she at least works at the hospital so maybe they could tell her or something if we were there?” </p>
<p>“Okay that’s fine dear, but let’s get you to the car. I think I have some ibuprofen in there that might help just a little with the pain,” Mrs. Murphy says, patting his head one last time before turning and leading her family to the parking lot. Zoe’s dad looks to Evan sympathetically but doesn’t say anything at all. Evan doesn’t know if that was a good thing or not, but he’s glad he doesn’t have to keep talking, knowing that he might say something that could make the Murphy’s change their mind. And he didn’t want that. </p>
<p>Evan leans into Zoe again as they walk to her family’s car, a weight that she easily takes, and Evan is truly thankful for it. He was getting more and more tired the further they walked, and he doesn’t know what he would have done if Zoe hadn’t helped him. How would he have even gotten back to the park center? But Evan shakes his head, trying to rid himself of those thoughts. He didn’t need to think about what could have happened, he just needed to be grateful for what did happen. </p>
<p>When they get to the car, Evan can see that Connor was already waiting for them, leaning against the side of the door casually and he hopes it means that he was able to find his bosses easy and that they were okay with him leaving work. And Connor’s simple wave to him even though he couldn’t wave back, makes Evan think everything was okay. </p>
<p>Until they get close enough to Connor and Mr. Murphy asks him a little angrily, “You weren’t part of this were you?” </p>
<p>Was Connor and Zoe’s dad just accusing Connor of being involved in Evan breaking his arm? Did he think Connor like pushed him out of the tree? When Evan thought about Connor having a bad reputation at school it was because kids talked about him doing “bad” things. Evan didn’t think Connor would physically hurt him, so why did his dad think that? </p>
<p>“No I wasn’t. Thanks for thinking the absolute worst of me Larry. Me and Zoe both <em>helped</em> Evan,” Connor says rolling his eyes like it was totally normal for his dad to be blaming him for someone else’s broken arm. Evan didn’t have a dad, but he was pretty sure dads weren’t supposed to do that. </p>
<p>Larry narrows his eyes at Connor, glancing between both his children like he didn’t believe either of them and Evan didn’t know why. It makes him uncomfortable and also kind of defensive because Zoe and Connor helped him so much today, in so many ways and he wanted their dad to know it. So Evan shakily says, “Connor and Zoe b-both helped me, a lot. They f-found me.” </p>
<p>It wasn’t much and it wasn’t that great of an explanation, but Evan feels proud that he stuck up for Zoe and Connor. It was nice to defend people who weren’t himself against someone who wasn’t Jared. And it seems to do the job because Larry stops looking at Connor and just nods his head at Evan. </p>
<p>Connor huffs and kicks himself away from the car, moving so Zoe could help Evan get inside their car and he makes quite a production of trying to help his sister help him and Evan didn’t know why, but he was glad for the extra help because it was actually hard to get inside. </p>
<p>Zoe sits down next to him and buckles his seatbelt and smiles at him and Evan tries his best to smile back at her. Evan gently sets his broken arm into his lap, feeling slightly relieved to not have to carry it against his chest for the time being because that was starting to hurt too. </p>
<p>And completely surprising Evan, Zoe takes this opportunity to lace her hand with his good hand, comfortably holding it after giving squeezing once reassuringly. And it’s not like he can say anything because the whole car is quiet, and nobody was saying anything to cover up what he might say to Zoe. </p>
<p>He’s positive his face is even redder than before, blushing uncontrollably, but he doesn’t pull his hand back from hers either. If she grabbed it, then she probably wanted to hold his hand, but what he can’t wrap his mind around is why. His hands were probably dirty and most definitely sweaty, and now sweatier because he was thinking about how sweaty they probably already were, which had to be grossing Zoe out. </p>
<p>And Evan didn’t know anything about relationships, platonic, romantic, familial, any of them, but he was pretty confident that you only held hands with someone if you liked them and like in the simplest way possible. He by no means thought that this meant Zoe was in like love with him or even like-liked him, but maybe it really did mean she wanted to be friends. Real friends. Even with him being weird about basically everything since she’d found him, she still wanted him? The tiny chance that that was true was seeming bigger and bigger. </p>
<p>And the more he thought about it, Connor was being really, really nice to him too, and maybe that loner thing was really only for school. Maybe Connor wanted a friend too? Was it really possible that he’d been able to make two new friends in one day when he’d gone for so long without any? Maybe. </p>
<p>While Evan had been silently freaking out about Zoe holding his hand and contemplating whether or not the Murphy siblings could be his new friends, they had made it to the hospital and Larry was pulling up to the doors by the emergency room. </p>
<p>Zoe finally lets go of Evan’s hand to help him get out the car the same way she helped him get in and then immediately wraps her arm around him again protectively as Connor and Cynthia also get out. Cynthia takes the lead and starts walking them towards the check-in desk in a way Evan can only describe as motherly, but more of a TV-mom kind of way. But he’s grateful for it because looking around he knows he never would have been able to do this by himself, especially the part that was coming. Talking to the nurse. </p>
<p>The nurse was looking at them and can tell Evan’s the reason they were there, so she asks him, “What happened honey?”</p>
<p>“I, um, I, I…” Evan starts to talk, but for some reason can’t formulate the words to explain to her what happened. It felt exactly like when Connor asked the same thing. That if he said anything then somehow the nurse would <em>know</em>. And he didn’t want anyone to know or guess or figure it out. </p>
<p>“He fell out of a tree, from pretty high, and we think his arm is broken, but we don’t know about anything else,” Zoe says stepping in to talk to the nurse for Evan. He can also feel her starting to rub tiny circles on his lower back again, calming him just like she did in the forest. And he can’t believe that Zoe was real and doing this for him right now. She was kind of incredible.</p>
<p>“Okay, well you try to fill out this paperwork the best you can. Do you have your insurance card with you dear?” the nurse asks, handing Cynthia a clipboard with a bunch of forms on it and a pen. </p>
<p>“Um, no. I don’t think so, but um my mom, she um, she works here. Her name is Heidi, Heidi Hansen, she would probably know,” Evan manages to tell the nurse, who smiles at him softly, being extra nice because she probably knew everything right now was overwhelming for him.</p>
<p>“Okay, we’ll try to page her, and the doctor will try to be with you soon,” she says, dismissing them and picking up the phone to presumably search for Evan’s mom. </p>
<p>The waiting room for the ER is fairly crowded and looking around, there aren’t five seats that are open and next to each other for their little group. But luckily Connor points out a group of two and three that are only a couple seats apart that would have to do, just as his dad walks in, rejoining them. Cynthia and Larry take the two seats and the teens take the three with Evan in the middle. </p>
<p>Right as they sit down, Zoe gets back up and turns to Evan telling him, “I’m going to go to the bathroom real quick, but I’ll be right back, okay?” </p>
<p>“Yeah, uh, sure. I’ll be here still, if um, no, when you come back, probably,” Evan says a little awkwardly because he didn’t want Zoe to think that she had to stay with him and that he was super clingy. But also, very selfishly he doesn’t want her to leave, because what if the doctor came when she was gone, and he didn’t get to say goodbye to her? He didn’t want that at all. But he was also really glad Zoe told him she was going somewhere because if she had just up and left, he would have immediately assumed it was because of something he did. Zoe doesn’t seem fazed by his awkwardness at all and just smiles and nods as she turned away from them and headed towards the bathrooms. </p>
<p>It’s quiet between Connor and Evan and Evan doesn’t really know what to say or how to approach a friendly conversation, because he thinks if he tried, Connor would still be nice to him, even without Zoe there. But every time he’s about to say something, he stops, deciding it was too weird. </p>
<p>But then Connor does break their silence, going out on a limb saying, “So, I, uh, I know people talk about me at school a lot and you probably think the worst things about me…”</p>
<p>“No I don’t,” Evan interrupts him, feeling like it was incredibly necessary to let Connor know that. He was really hoping to maybe be friends with Connor and he wanted him to know that he wasn’t going in to their friendship with any preconceived notions of who Connor was. </p>
<p>Connor looks incredulous, so Evan elaborates a little more, telling him, “I guess I don’t really listen to gossip or anything and it’s not like anyone tells me things directly. The only thing I really think about you is you helped me even after I basically threw up on you and that was really gross, but you still helped. And you’re being really nice to me, still. So those are kind of the things I’m thinking about you right now, nothing about anything anyone says at school.” </p>
<p>“Um that’d probably the nicest thing someone’s said to me before, that they’re not judging me, and that’s nice of you Evan. I was going to ask you that if you wanted to talk more or like maybe hang out after you feel better, then we could. It would be cool to have someone to talk to at school in my grade. Zoe can’t hang out with me all the time,” Connor says, fiddling with his hands the whole time, clearly feeling awkward about extending an invitation to hang out to Evan, and about admitting that he didn’t have anyone to talk to who wasn’t his sister. And Evan understands that more than anyone else probably. It was really brave of Connor to ask him and even though they were both in the same position, Evan is shocked that Connor was basically asking him to be friends. </p>
<p>“You want to be friends? With me?” Evan asks him, just to clarify, to make sure he didn’t misinterpret anything that Connor had said. He’d done that too many times with Jared before. But he’s pretty sure he understood Connor. </p>
<p>Connor nods at him, grinning knowing that Evan wanted to be friends too and adds, “We both probably need it. No offense but every time I’ve seen you at school, you looked lonely.”</p>
<p>“No offense, but same,” Evan says back a little more light-hearted, feeling proud of himself for joking around with Connor, even if it was about both of them being lonely. <br/>Connor starts laughing at Evan’s joke which makes Evan start laughing too, actually laughing even if it hurt his ribs a little. Feeling like someone was laughing with you instead of at you was worth a little ache in his side. </p>
<p>They’re still laughing when Zoe gets back, clearly curious as to what transpired while she was in the bathroom, but before she gets a chance to ask, a slightly frantic looking blonde woman comes jogging into the room and zeroes in on Evan. He guesses the staff was able to find his mom and she was able to leave her post to come to him. That was surprising, but Evan was glad she was there. </p>
<p>“Oh Evan love, what happened to your arm? Are you okay? How did you get here?” Heidi asks him in a flurry of questions, not really even noticing that Zoe and Connor were with him or that Cynthia and Larry had gotten up to join them. </p>
<p>“At work, um yeah, but Zoe and Connor and their parents helped me,” Evan says still not admitting that he’d “fallen” even if he knew that was the story he was going with. But he wanted to focus on this family helping him instead of his fall anyways. </p>
<p>“Thank you so much. Evan this could have been so much worse,” Heidi says, looking around, finally realizing the people surrounding her son were the ones who helped him but also that Evan could have been much worse off than he was.</p>
<p>“We’re glad Evan’s okay now. And we’re happy to help any of Zoe and Connor’s friends,” Cynthia says to Heidi warmly before turning to tell Evan, “Now that you’re in good hands with your mom dear, we should probably get going.” </p>
<p>Evan’s disappointed Zoe and Connor were leaving, but he guesses they couldn’t stay forever. Logically he knew that, but he was hoping that they could stay longer with him. He was starting to feel more comfortable with both of them and if it ended there was still a chance he’d never get that again, that he’d never see them again. </p>
<p>“Wait before we go, Evan let me see your phone,” Zoe says, looking to Evan kind of excitedly. And Evan doesn’t know what she wants with his phone, but he awkwardly grabs it anyway (thankful that it was miraculously not broken) and hands it to Zoe. </p>
<p>Zoe’s typing away at it and Evan thinks she’s writing a text message or something, which really confuses him, because he was sure she had her own phone. But then she slips it back in his pocket, telling him, “I put mine and Connor’s numbers in, so you’d have them. We can start a group chat because you have to let us know that you’re okay tonight.”</p>
<p>That was not what Evan was expecting at all, but he smiles brightly at Zoe and at Connor and just says, “okay”, too stunned to say anything else to them. And somehow, Evan thinks maybe his absolute worst day, just became his best.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So next update will be Tuesday and Evan's going to have a cast that's going to need some signatures!! Stay Tuned!!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Twenty Questions We Tell The Truth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan texts his new friends.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!! I'm not completely sure how I feel about this chapter and somehow it turned a bit into a chatfic towards the end, but it's kind of fun. There <em>might</em> be a tiny chapter later this week that should have originally been in this chapter with Connor, Zoe, and Evan hanging out, but we'll see! </p>
<p>I hope you all enjoy this chapter and thank you so much for all the support for this story! It means so much to me and hopefully it's a nice little weekly distraction or something to look forward to for you guys :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan doesn’t really know how long him and his mom were at the hospital but it felt like forever. He had to do several different X-rays and a couple different tests with different doctors, and he had to keep explaining what happened to each new doctor, or well he had his mom do most of the talking, because he was simply exhausted from both his fall and the constant influx of new people. </p>
<p>When all the tests were done and when all the doctors finished talking to his mom, they’d learned that his shoulder had been dislocated and his forearm was broken in two spots, but that was it. The doctors said it could have been a lot worse and Evan should be thankful. And that makes him feel guilty, knowing what he’d intended. </p>
<p>Popping his shoulder back into place hurt more than actually falling did and Evan seriously thought he might pass out again, but the pain mostly went away after a couple minutes of adjusting. And then they finally gave him some pain meds which helped immensely with a prescription for a few more pills for the next couple of days too. Evan also panicked when they asked him what color cast he wanted, because for some reason he wasn’t expecting it and he couldn’t pick, so the doctor just did white even though Evan wished it was blue after the fact. But maybe it was a good thing, Evan didn’t want his favorite color ruined for him by constantly having a reminder of his fall on his arm for the next eight weeks. It was probably better this way. </p>
<p>Evan finally feels like he can breathe again when he and Heidi get home and she tucks him into the couch with his favorite blanket. She orders takeout from his favorite local place, which was normally too expensive to get for a regular night, and Evan said they didn’t have to, and mostly because he knew the hospital bills would be coming soon and he felt really bad about it. </p>
<p>But then again, with a bill to pay off, he knew his mom would be gone even more, picking up shifts and staying for overtime, so maybe he just needed to take this one night he knew he was going to have with her and try to make her not worry so much. He owed her that much at least. So even though he still wasn’t hungry and still felt a little nauseous, he manages to eat the fancy fries and a little bit of his sandwich. And the small smile Heidi gives him because she knows he was trying encourages him and makes him feel a little bit better. And he knows the more he acts like this was an accident the less likely it was that his mom would ask questions or look any deeper into anything. He didn’t want to answer those questions, no matter who was asking. </p>
<p>And when everything feels like it’s settling for the night, he remembers he was supposed to text Zoe and Connor, which works him up all over again. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to type out anything that wouldn’t sound weird? What if Zoe only said that to be nice and she really didn’t want him to text her or Connor? What if he ruined everything before anything could even start by texting something dumb? </p>
<p>But, she did tell him to, just like she did hold his hand in the car. So she probably did want him to and it would probably be impolite of him to not text her, right? But what could he possibly say? </p>
<p>Evan really doesn’t want to mess this up or get it wrong somehow, so for the first time that he can actually remember, he decides to ask his mom for help. She at least had friends before in her life, so she probably knew better than Evan. </p>
<p>“Um, Mom? What do you think I should text Zoe and Connor? I don’t really know what to say,” Evan tells her, feeling a little embarrassed that he had to ask her for help, but also a little hopeful that he was asking her because he had two people who seemingly wanted to be his friend.   </p>
<p>He’d noticed that Heidi hadn’t really talked about the Murphy’s the whole night and he wasn’t really sure why. He would have thought that she’d for sure want to know everything that Evan knew about them. But maybe she didn’t want to overwhelm him again and was just waiting for a different time to ask him. Or maybe she didn’t care. But Evan honestly didn’t think that. His mom was usually over-eager to ask him about his “friends” which he normally had to lie about. But not this time. This time he had nice things to say about Zoe and Connor and they were all true. </p>
<p>“Well you could say something like, thanks for helping me today, I’m okay and doing a lot better but my arm is broken. And maybe you could send a picture of your cast, that could be fun,” Heidi offers enthusiastically, even with Evan giving her kind of a weird look. Why would he send a picture of his ugly white cast? Surely Connor and Zoe would think that was weird. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked his mom. Maybe he shouldn’t text them at all.</p>
<p>“I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t send anything,” Evan says dejectedly, honestly unable to tease out exactly how he was feeling. He wanted to be friends with them so badly, more than anything, but he was so afraid to reach out, afraid to mess it up, like he did everything.</p>
<p>“No, no, Evan you should. I really think they’d like to hear from you. I bet they’ll be so happy when they know you’re okay,” Heidi tells him, coming over to sit next to him on the couch, but not too close, which Evan appreciates because he didn’t like feeling physically smothered by his mom, especially since he had so many people surrounding him today. </p>
<p>“Okay. How about, ‘My arm is broken but nothing else and I feel a lot better. Thanks for helping me today, it means a lot to me,’ does that sound okay?” Evan asks still kind of worried that his text was kind of weird. It was maybe a little too formal and probably a little too deep. Did he need to tell them it meant a lot to him, or was that implied? And did he need to say he felt better? Because he didn’t really, well maybe a little, the painkillers were probably the reason for that though. Why was texting so hard? At least in real-life he couldn’t overthink too much in the moment (he could agonize over anything when he was alone, but at least he usually didn’t think too much when he was with someone). </p>
<p>“I think that sounds great Evan,” Heidi says encouragingly, smiling at him again, clearly happy he was trying to reach out to new people. Evan knew every time he stayed home or never got invited somewhere that it made his mom disappointed in him. And he didn’t want that, he wanted her to be proud of him, even if it was for something he thought normal people could do, like send a basic text message.</p>
<p>“You promise it’s not too much, that it won’t weird them out? I don’t want them to think I’m weirder than they probably already do,” Evan confesses, knowing that they had to think he was just a little weird considering everything that happened today. But he just hoped both of them could overlook it for now. And then maybe when they knew Evan a little better and knew he was really nice, then the weirdness wouldn’t be such a big deal. There was a tiny chance that could happen.</p>
<p>“No love, I think they care about you and want to make sure you’re okay. You seemed to get on really well with both of them at the hospital and I think that’s really great. You could end up being really good friends with both of them. The three of you might really be something. Or more. I bet you thought I wouldn’t notice that Zoe is <em>very</em> pretty, Connor too,” Heidi says, poking Evan gently to tease him and it works. Evan was completely flushed and like good on his mom for including both siblings and not assuming anything about who Evan might be interested in romantically, but now was not the time. He just wanted to be friends and if that’s all his relationships ended up being, then that was okay with him.</p>
<p>“Oh my god Mom,” Evan says looking away from her so that she wouldn’t know that she was right with her teasing too. She didn’t need to know that he had a huge crush on Zoe Murphy and had it for two full years at this point. He knew his mom and he knew that she’d make it super weird if her and Zoe were in the same room again and he did not want that. He was going to have a hard-enough time convincing Zoe and Connor to just be friends, he didn’t need his mom making that any harder by trying to play matchmaker. </p>
<p>Evan keeps his face turned away from his mom, sure that he was still blushing, and slowly types out his text message, not realizing how hard it’d be with one hand. But he does it, double checks that the words made sense and there were no typos, takes a deep breath and hits send, hoping for the best. </p>
<p>Only after he finishes sending the text does he turn back to his mom, finally able to defend himself against her teasing and says, “I don’t even know if we’re even friends yet, so I don’t like either of them that way. But um, Connor did say he wanted to hang out with me at school.” </p>
<p>“That’s great Evan! He seems like he’ll be a really great friend for you, and he’s in your grade, right?” Heidi asks him, clearly trying to keep their conversation going and not bring up any possible crushes that would make Evan stop talking about the Murphy’s all together. Because he would if he kept feeling uncomfortable about it all. He always did that, retreated in, and didn’t talk or express any of his feelings. But he didn’t want that tonight. He wasn’t going to waste this one opportunity he had, even if he felt kind of weird. </p>
<p>“Yeah, and Zoe’s a year below us,” Evan confirms, nodding at his mom, glad that she was asking easy questions to answer because he was starting to get a little more flustered with all the attention she was giving him overall. Dinner, snuggling him on the couch, all the talking, it was everything Evan wasn’t used to, so he didn’t really know what to make of all of it. But he likes it (as long as it wasn’t about crushes). </p>
<p>And he kind of wishes it was like this all of the time. That his mom was home and doting on him and listening to him as he talked. Even if it was like this once a week, he thinks he’d be a little happier in general, getting to see her, show her things about his life. But he knows it’s stupid to think like that, after tonight everything in his house would go back to the way they always were. Evan home alone for days on end, not eating, and feeling miserable. </p>
<p>But for tonight it wasn’t like that, so Evan decides to just enjoy tonight for what it was, even if it took letting himself fall from a tree to get there. </p>
<p>“Well tell me more about them. We haven’t even gotten a chance to talk about them with all the medical stuff happening. I want to know everything you know,” Heidi says with all the excitement Evan knew she had been tamping down earlier. And Evan’s actually a little excited too, getting the chance to talk about his maybe-new-friends. </p>
<p>“Zoe’s in the jazz band at school and she plays the guitar and she’s really good. Like really good. She’d the one who found me right after…um, everything and she was just really nice to me. She even knew my name. And then she helped me walk and she made me feel safe and she’s just so nice,” Evan says talking quickly and animatedly in his excitement about Zoe. He couldn’t really help it though. Zoe was just too incredible to not get excited over. </p>
<p>When he looks at his mom all she was doing was smiling and nodding, not interrupting him at all, and it encourages him to talk more about Connor too, telling her, “And Connor was really nice to me too. He went and told Paige and Steve what happened, and he helped me sit up. And when he said he wanted to be friends, I don’t even think he was trying to trick me.” </p>
<p>Evan realizes what he’d just said when his mom shoots him a look of confusion. Why had he stupidly said ‘tricked’? That was such a weirdly specific thing to say and obviously his mom was wondering if he had that exact experience before. And he had, he’d just never told her. He didn’t tell her anything about Jared and how he only used him if he needed something and insisted they weren’t friends any other time. Jared tricked him all the time and Evan knew he was doing it and fell for it anyways, usually out of desperation. Because even if Jared was being mean to him, someone was at least talking to him, and that had to be better than being completely alone.  </p>
<p>Before Heidi can ask anything else about why Evan would say such a thing, Evan starts back-pedaling and tells her, “Like lying you know, or like being just really polite because I fell and not because he wanted to. I think he just wanted someone to talk to and hang out with more and that someone could maybe be me.” </p>
<p>Heidi narrows her eyes a little, trying to read deeper into what Evan was saying but after a beat just nods her head again, taking Evan’s poor explanation and tries to bring the mood back up by saying, “Well both of them seem like great friends for you kiddo. And I’m sure they’ll text back soon.” </p>
<p>And as if Heidi predicted it, Evan feels his phone vibrate in his hand with a new text message from none other than Zoe Murphy. Evan quickly opens it, giddy to see what Zoe could have said. He sees her first message as well as another chat bubble underneath it that says, </p>
<p><b>7:48 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> That’s great news! </p>
<p>And almost instantly two more messages come in saying, </p>
<p><b>7:48 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Well not your arm, but that you’re feeling better<br/><b>7:49 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Let us know if you need any help anytime we can we will! </p>
<p>As Evan’s trying to figure out what to say back to her without sounding dumb, smiling dopily at his phone screen, one more text from Zoe comes through saying, </p>
<p><b>7:49 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> You’re our friend Evan :) </p>
<p>Evan is positive the blush that had just left his face was now back in full force and his tummy felt like butterflies had permanently moved in. Zoe wasn’t just texting him once saying ‘good’ or something just as polite. She’d called them friends again and said they would help him more if he needed it. And she texted him four times in a row, like she couldn’t tell him fast enough, sending every thought as a new message. Evan thinks it’s kind of really adorable. </p>
<p>It wasn’t like he texted people other than his mom, but even then he knew that it wasn’t like “cool” or whatever to send multiple texts in a row, that people thought it was desperate and weird. But Zoe was doing it and he didn’t think that. He thought it made her seem excited that he was okay, like actually excited. And that made him feel even better about her wanting to be his friend. </p>
<p>And before Evan can think of something to respond to Zoe with, Connor replies in the group with, </p>
<p><b>7:50 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> Glad it’s just the arm dude and Zoe seriously cool it with all the texts, finish your thoughts </p>
<p>Another flurry of texts come in from Zoe before Evan can respond to either her first message or Connor’s and Evan can’t help but laugh because he imagines Zoe flicking Connor like she’d done earlier and Connor furrowing in his eyebrows in playful annoyance at his sister and her antics as she writes, </p>
<p><b>7:50 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Never  <br/><b>7:50 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Double texts for always 	<br/><b>7:50 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Especially to Evan<br/><b>7:50 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> He needs to get used to it </p>
<p>Evan doesn’t exactly know how to respond, because he’s never been in this situation before and he can’t wrap his mind around the fact that Zoe said, “he needs to get used to it”. That implied she was going to be texting him a lot. That she wanted to talk to him. Right? And he wasn’t imagining it because it was right there on his screen. Proof that both of them wanted to talk him.  </p>
<p>And he doesn’t want to mess it up by saying something dumb, but he also doesn’t want to take too long to respond so they think he didn’t care. Or respond too fast because he thought people didn’t like that either. But then again, both Zoe and Connor had responded fairly quickly and wanted to talk to him, so maybe instead of worrying he should just try to be himself. It was probably the worst plan he’d ever come up with, but it would have to do for now.</p>
<p>Evan quickly rereads the whole text thread and decides to type out his first reaction, whatever he would have said if they were in person and he comes up with, </p>
<p><b> 7:51 P.M. Evan Hansen:</b> I could get used to it<br/><b> 7:51 P.M. Evan Hansen:</b> It’s kind of fun </p>
<p>A minute goes by and neither Zoe nor Connor reply and Evan swears his heart drops and he starts breathing heavier. He knew he’d ruin it. He should have just said nothing and then tried tomorrow to reach out to them. Or not, because clearly what he said was creeping them out. “I could get used to it”? What had he been thinking? That was such a weird thing to say. Connor and Zoe were probably in the same room at their house talking about how weird his response was and how Zoe should have never given out their numbers.  </p>
<p>Evan is so wrapped up in his thought spiral about how strange Zoe and Connor thought he was that he doesn’t even notice his mom coming closer to him, clearly concerned as she watched him go from giddy and laughing to desolate in the span of three minutes. And he almost doesn’t notice his phone vibrating with a new notification either, it’s Heidi who points out that Connor did text him back since she was leaning into him and could see his phone. </p>
<p>“Evan, look Connor texted you. See what he said,” Heidi tells him, hoping it would brighten Evan’s mood once again. </p>
<p>Evan is shocked when he looks at his phone and sees his mom was right, Connor had texted him. But it was probably just something polite saying they had or go something not an actual response. And he’s shocked again when Connor says, </p>
<p><b>7:54 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> Evan don’t enable her, pretty soon she’ll be sending you one-word texts and you’ll wake up to like 100 </p>
<p>And approximately four seconds later more texts start coming in from Zoe,</p>
<p><b>7:54 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Rude! <br/><b>7:54 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Now I’m only<br/><b>7:54 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> going to send <br/><b>7:55 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> texts like these forever <br/><b>7:55 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Hope you’re happy Connor </p>
<p>And Evan doesn’t really know if Connor’s happy or not, he guesses not but he doesn’t really care because <em>he</em> feels happier being included like this. And he’s not sure, but he remembers when he teased Connor back at the hospital and it had both of them laughing, so his initial reaction is to do it again. Zoe was clearly being playful, and Evan wants that too, so he writes out to them, </p>
<p><b>7:56 P.M. Evan Hansen:</b> These are the choices<br/><b>7:56 P.M. Evan Hansen:</b> you’ve made Connor <br/><b>7:57 P.M. Evan Hansen:</b> Join us </p>
<p>Evan’s highly aware his lasts text sounds a bit cultish and he might have pushed it too far, but he was actually laughing and was hoping that Zoe and Connor were too. That maybe they were in the same room and talking about how they liked Evan, not that he was weird. </p>
<p>Then he starts to see little hearts appear over his messages and when he taps it to find out what it means, his phone says <em>Zoe Murphy liked this message</em>. Zoe liked something he said, which meant she probably didn’t think it was creepy thing to say. She probably didn’t think he was creepy either. Maybe Evan truly didn’t need to worry so much about the Murphy siblings liking him. Maybe he could worry about having a fun time instead.  </p>
<p>Evan looks over to his mom who was still next to him and she was smiling bigger than he’d probably ever seen. She was happy that he was happy and other kids were talking to him. He might even go as far to say that she looked proud of him too. And it makes him feel good inside. She wasn’t usually proud of him, but the day he probably needed it most, she was.</p>
<p>Heidi gets up from the couch and ruffles Evan’s hair and tells him, “I’m going to work on some homework in the kitchen. You talk to your friends Evan. Let me know if you need another painkiller before you go to bed.” </p>
<p>Evan nods at her, understanding what she was saying, and for the first time doesn’t really mind that she’s left him alone for the time being. Because he really wasn’t alone. He was texting with, which was basically just talking with, which was almost the same as hanging out with, Connor and Zoe Murphy. And he sees Connor has replied texting, </p>
<p><b>7:58 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> ugh not you too Evan you’ve corrupted him Zo </p>
<p><b>7:58 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> No Evan just knows whats up <br/><b>7:59 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b>  Take this as a win because we could be sending all emojis instead<br/><b>7:59 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> 😂 😈 😂 😈 😂 😈  </p>
<p>Evan wants to know how Zoe “liked” one of his messages because he wanted to do that to hers and to Connor’s to show them he was enjoying all of their playful back and forth texts, but he can’t quite figure it out. Maybe Zoe could show him if they saw each other again? That seemed more likely to happen than it did earlier today. Because Evan honestly didn’t know how friends usually texted, but it seemed to him that Connor and Zoe were being more than just polite. He really thinks (and truly believes for the first time) that they want to be his friend and it makes him feel warm and fluttery inside again. He had two real friends. And they were both texting him again,  </p>
<p><b>8:00 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> I think the emojis are almost better but I’m not saying do that either <br/><b>8:00 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> Also Evan how are you texting with one hand</p>
<p><b>8:00 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> 1) Connor you just doubled texted <br/><b>8:01 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> 2) Yes Evan are you doing okay?</p>
<p>Should he tell them that it was kind of hard to text with one hand? Or would that make them not want to keep texting? Because he didn’t want that. He wanted to keep talking to them. He decides to let them know just a little bit, but keeps it light so they wouldn’t think that he was too tired, or they were pushing him too much, so he writes, </p>
<p><b>8:03 P.M. Evan Hansen:</b> It’s a little hard but I’m getting better at it <br/><b>8:03 P.M. Evan Hansen:</b> 👍<br/><b>8:04 P.M. Evan Hansen:</b> An emoji for proof </p>
<p>And he doesn’t even mean to send three texts, but it was kind of easier on him to send shorter messages than longer ones, but he doesn’t think it’s annoying them, so he’ll probably keep doing it. Why did all the TV shows he watched with teens make it seem annoying? He liked knowing that they were eager to talk to him and he liked that he had more to say than one message. He wasn’t telling Jared a homework assignment; he was chatting with friends. And it was still surreal to be thinking that. That he had friends now. </p>
<p><b>8:05 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Good because we have a lot of basics to cover<br/><b>8:05 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Starting with Hogwarts house <br/><b>8:06 P.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> because it’s essential </p>
<p>Evan can’t believe the Murphy’s like Harry Potter too. He’d always felt bad about liking it so much because Jared said only little kids liked Harry Potter and that it was even lamer that Evan was a Hufflepuff. So he’d never really had anyone to talk about it with, until now. And he gets the impression that his inability to talk about things he liked was about to change. And not just with Harry Potter. </p>
<p>All three of them keep texting until Evan falls asleep on the couch mid-conversation around 11. He’d been so tired but was forcing himself to stay awake to keep talking to Connor and Zoe because he was learning so much about each of them. </p>
<p>Connor was a Slytherin and Zoe was a Gryffindor. Zoe’s favorite color was indigo and shockingly Connor’s was a deep burgundy even though he mostly wore black. Connor liked coffee with sugar, but no cream and Zoe only liked lattes, preferably soy but most milk would do. Zoe played more than guitar, she knew piano, ukulele, and bass and Connor spent most of his time reading or sketching. Zoe was auditioning for first-chair in band and Connor was toying with the idea of taking an art class at school (he said he’d try anything to make school better). And so, so much more. </p>
<p>Evan’s never felt like this before. Like he knew someone. Knew all the little things that made them who they were.  And he knew two someones. And those someones knew him. They cared about his thoughts and opinions the same way he cared about theirs. And he hates that he fell asleep, he would have kept talking to them all night. But he didn’t think yesterday was his last chance anymore, that once their conversation ended, he wouldn’t get to talk to them.</p>
<p>For the first time ever, he was confident he could text either Zoe or Connor today and they would text him back. And it makes him feel floaty and happy and secure. He never wanted this to change. He never wanted to not have this again. </p>
<p>He was going to text Connor and Zoe in a little bit just to chat some more. It took him a while to figure out showering and then his mom made him eat with his painkiller, so he hadn’t really had a chance to yet, and he was sure they were busy with their own morning too. But it was okay he assured himself, they would talk later. </p>
<p>Evan’s managing to get dressed with his awkwardly too big cast when his mom comes into his room the next morning dressed in scrubs, and he knew she was going to tell him she had to go to work. But he’d already prepared for that. But selfishly he had hoped, a tiny sliver of hope, that she could stay with him again today. Because even though he was planning on chatting with his new friends, he still didn’t really want to be alone in his house. But he shouldn’t have had that bit of hope because he knew last night was a one-time thing. He knew that his mom would go back to being gone all the time. That he’d go back to being alone again most days. </p>
<p>Evan’s about to mutter his usual unemotional “it’s okay Mom, I understand”, when he gets a new notification on his phone, distracting both of them. And Evan can’t help smiling brightly to his mom when he reads it, showing her too. Zoe had texted him not on their group chat, but just to him to ask, </p>
<p><b>10:42 A.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Hey Evan! I don’t know what you’re doing today or if you’re feeling okay but do you want to come over? We can figure out something fun to do if you can!</p>
<p>So it looks like Evan wouldn’t be spending today alone after all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next up 2/3 of our little trio have birthdays and they must be celebrated and therefore Evan must go shopping for birthday presents and naturally stress out over them! Stay tuned!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Twenty Questions, We Tell The Truth Pt. II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan hangs out at Zoe and Connor's house.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!! So I need to stop promising things in author's notes, because I keep writing other things than what I've promised, which may or may not be good. I think for this chapter, it's a good thing, because I quite like this one. I think it's pretty cute and there's a large helping of BandTrees mutual crush fluff.  And for today's chapter, surprise surprise we have Zoe singing a song to Evan, because I simply cannot contain myself. And I'm really trying to keep what happened between Zoe and Connor a bit of a mystery until one of them is ready to tell Evan. But I'd like to say, Zoe has forgiven Connor, she just has feelings she's working through. I think that's it for this chapter, but it's very possible I've forgotten to mention something. </p><p>Thank you so much to everyone who reads this story and is liking it so far! I appreciate all the kudos, comments, subscriptions and bookmarks. You are all so lovely and I truly don't have enough words to describe how thankful I am! I hope you enjoy the slightly longer chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan readily responds to Zoe, telling her he wanted to hang out today, and he doesn’t even have a chance to think before she’s texting him again with her address letting him know he could head over whenever. And Evan doesn’t want to seem too eager, but his mom was also leaving for work now and he doesn’t really want to walk the whole way to the Murphy’s. He was feeling better than yesterday, but his body was still a little achy and he didn’t want to be tired by the time he got there. And he didn’t want to be sweaty. Or red-faced. Or smelly for some reason. </p><p>So his mom was really his only option for driving because he couldn’t drive himself. And that wasn’t even because of his arm. He had a lot of anxiety about driving and they couldn’t really afford a car for him either. But Heidi knows he’s excited to see Zoe and Connor, so she has no problem driving him, but only if they left now so Evan quickly asks Zoe if now was okay. </p><p>All she texts back is “Yep :)” and the same fluttery feeling Evan had last night returns accompanied by a sheepish smile, one that he’s pretty sure his mom is trying her hardest not to tease him about. But he doesn’t think he’d care even if she did tease him. For the first time in a long, long time, he was excited about something and he wasn’t going to let that go. </p><p>The whole drive to Zoe and Connor’s, his mom keeps his mind busy with more chatter about them and Evan honestly doesn’t mind. He’d learned a lot about both of them last night through texting and he was plenty excited to tell his mom about it. It was refreshing to not have to lie or stay quiet (if you said nothing then <em>technically</em> you weren’t ever lying) about people he talked to. And Heidi seemed so happy for him, she wasn’t sighing in disappointment or raising her voice to convince him of something, and he wants this. To have a regular conversation with his mom. To have her dropping him off at a friend’s house for the day. To just feel normal, even if it was for a day. </p><p>As Heidi drops him off, she tells him she’d check-in after her shift and before class started, and then just drives away, leaving Evan to stare up the long beautifully landscaped driveway alone. And Evan has to double and triple check that the address Zoe sent was the one he was at, because he’d describe the house in front of him was more like a mansion than a house. And he knew that the Murphy family was well-off, especially compared to him and his mom, but damn, he didn’t think they were that rich. </p><p>It makes him more nervous than before and not the good kind of nervous. He wasn’t giddy, he was terrified that he was so obviously not going to fit in amongst the probably lavish setting he was about to step into. But he tries his best to remember yesterday and everything he knew about Zoe and Connor. They weren’t lavish (they did have nice things though) and most importantly they weren’t uppity like rich people on TV, they were nice to him. Zoe invited him to her house deliberately. She (and presumably Connor still) wanted him the way he was, at least for now. </p><p>When Evan gets to the door, he sees there’s a knocker and a doorbell and he doesn’t know what to do. He hated ringing doorbells, hated interrupting whatever people were doing inside because of an obnoxious bell, just to attend to him. But he also hated knocking on doors. He always knocked too softly, because he didn’t like the sound of the knocking, but no one inside ever heard it, so he very uncomfortably had to knock more. And what if the Murphy family preferred one over the other and he chose wrong and then they thought he didn’t have manners and was disrespectful. Then they’d probably tell him to go home and he didn’t want that. And even though Zoe knew he was coming, he couldn’t just walk into their house, which he guesses was another option, but that was beyond rude and probably so creepy. They’d for sure kick him out if he did that. Maybe he could just text Zoe that he was there, and she’d come to the door? Did people do that or was that weird too?</p><p>Evan doesn’t even realize he’d been pacing in front of the door all while trying to decide on what to do or actually how long he’d been doing it until the door opens suddenly, startling him out of his spiral and revealing a grinning Zoe Murphy. </p><p>“Hi Zoe. Um, sorry that I’m out here just standing around, it’s probably so weird. But I didn’t know if I should ring the doorbell or knock or text you or really what to do and I didn’t want to be rude and couldn’t decide which one was least rude or creepy and I’m just sorry,” Evan says all in one breath, rambling out of nervousness and looking everywhere but at Zoe, worried that he’d already creeped her out, one minute into being at her house. But if he would have looked at her, he would have noticed her slight grin turn into a full blown smile at his explanation, realizing that his ramblings were always how he talked in person when he was nervous.</p><p>“Hi Evan. It’s okay, I promise. And for future reference when you come over, just text me and I’ll come down if that makes it easier for you,” Zoe says genuinely, making Evan actually look at her, checking that she was serious. Maybe he hadn’t blown it. She had just implied that Evan would be over for more than just today. And she’d do whatever was easiest for him, like she cared about what made him nervous. And he gives her a small smile and a nod back, letting himself calm down just a little. </p><p>“And it was honestly fine because I was waiting in the foyer for you and I saw you at the door,” Zoe tells, stepping back from the door to let Evan inside, closing it behind him. </p><p>“You were waiting for me?” Evan asks, positive that no one had ever waited for him for something. Not once. No one had ever been excited for him to show up somewhere or meet them before. And slowly but surely his terrified-nervousness was starting to turn back into tummy-fluttering excitedness.</p><p>“Yeah,” Zoe says, the faintest of blushes emerging on her cheeks, highlighting the freckles across her face. And Evan was pretty sure it was the cutest thing he’d ever seen as Zoe hastily adds, “I needed to take a little break from practicing, so I thought I’d just come downstairs and wait for you.” </p><p>“Oh, um were you practicing for auditions or like for a new song? Or um, are those the same?” Evan asks, wanting to know more about Zoe’s music stuff, but not really sure where to start. He’d never thought that much about music until last night when Zoe was talking a little bit about band. And then he decided he wanted to know everything. But maybe that was because he wanted to know everything about <em>Zoe</em>. </p><p>“It was mostly for auditions because even though we rarely perform classical music we always audition with because it’s harder technique-wise so it’s a good gauge for placements. And I’ve always just been better at feeling the music and knowing what to play, so I have to practice a lot more for classical pieces because they’re more precise,” Zoe explains, shifting a little back and forth, almost like she was a little nervous about talking about music. It makes Evan wonder if people ever really talk to her about it. He doesn’t know why anyone would <em>not</em> want to listen to her about something she clearly loved, because he thought it was the greatest thing. </p><p>“I’m sure you’re going to do so good. You were definitely the best one at the concert last spring,” Evan says, figuring he shouldn’t really hide that he was at the concert since he said that’s where he knew her from. But he didn’t need to add that he went to specifically see her and try to talk to her afterwards. </p><p>“Thanks Evan. I could play something else now, if you want? Something more fun and it’ll still be good practice,” Zoe asks, in the least confident voice Evan had ever heard from her. This was a very different from the Zoe yesterday who was telling him everything would be okay and that she’d be there for him no matter what. It makes him think that maybe besides with band, she didn’t share her music with a lot of people. But she was sharing it with him. </p><p>And of course he wanted to hear her play. He was desperate to hear her play at the spring concert and he was in the very back row, too nervous to go any closer at the time. So he absolutely would love to hear her play, just for him. Like a private concert. And that made him even more excited. </p><p>“Yeah, that would be awesome, but only if you want to,” Evan says, hoping to convey that although he does want her to play something for him, he didn’t want to pressure her in to it either, she should actually want to share it with him. </p><p>“Yeah, I do. C’mon, I’ll play something on my ukulele and you can see my room,” Zoe tells him, smiling brightly and gesturing for Evan to follow her up the large staircase that was the centerpiece of the foyer in the Murphy’s house. </p><p>“Okay,” Evan agrees, following her up the stairs, the fluttery feeling in his stomach getting more and more intense the further they got. And out of nowhere, it dawns on him that they were all alone. He hadn’t seen Cynthia or Larry or Connor at all. And he doesn’t mind being alone with Zoe because he knows it doesn’t mean <em>anything</em>, but he is just kind of curious where Connor was. Shouldn’t he be home too? And Evan’s following Zoe and they pass by an open door to an empty bedroom that Evan can only assume is Connor’s with all the books and dark colors. </p><p>“Where’s Connor?” Evan blurts out, internally chiding himself because he shouldn’t have let his curiosity get the better of him, because now Zoe was going to think that he didn’t want to just hang out with her even though he did, like they needed Connor around to hang out, like she wasn’t good enough on her own.</p><p>But she doesn’t seem phased at all by his question and lightly answers, “Oh yeah. Connor’s at therapy but he’ll be home soon, and I told him you were coming over already. He’ll probably come hang out with us when he gets home.” </p><p>Evan’s a little in disbelief and can’t stop himself from asking, “Connor goes to therapy?” </p><p>He knows it’s rude and Zoe will probably change her mind and tell him to go, to stop being disrespectful to her brother and probably start yelling at him, and he can’t believe he just ruined two whole friendships by asking something that was none of his business. </p><p>But Zoe once again doesn’t seem to mind and tells Evan, “Yeah, I do too. Connor goes every week and I go every other week.” </p><p>And that has Evan reeling with shock, stopping in the hallway, frozen in place. Both Connor and Zoe went to therapy? Why? They were so normal, why would they possibly need it? They weren’t like him. </p><p>Heidi had mentioned him going to therapy a while back and had been pretty insistent for a moment, but then her determination fizzled out when she got busy again and when Evan never responded to it. He didn’t want to go because he didn’t know what it would be like and he didn’t like that unknown. </p><p>What if he got there and it was just some old person on a weird couch who told him there was so much wrong with him. And what if the therapist was mean to him if he couldn’t manage to speak up that day, or started to talk but got so nervous that he started stuttering? What if they told his mom that he was a lost cause, and she’d been right knowing that he was broken? That he needed fixing but they wouldn’t be able to do it? What if they recommended to up the dose of Evan’s medication or switch it and he got really terrible side effects, but no one believed him? He couldn’t manage one positive thought about going to therapy, so he had been dead set on not doing it. </p><p>But maybe he did need it, because he clearly didn’t know how to keep a conversation going or politely change the subject because stupidly asks Zoe, “Um, do you like it?” </p><p>Evan can’t believe he just asked Zoe that. He was hellbent on ruining every single nice thing he had the moment he got it, and he knows there’s probably no coming back from this. There was no way Zoe thought he was a nice person after asking her that, so he tries to apologize, saying, “Actually, I’m so sorry. That was probably such a weird thing to say and ask and is like totally private. You don’t have to answer that, and I could leave if I made you uncomfortable.” </p><p>“Hey Evan, it’s okay. I don’t mind talking about therapy, it’s not a bad thing. I’m not going to lie, it was pretty hard to start earlier this year, but yeah, I think I like it. I like that Connor goes too and that it’s helping him stay sober and it’s helping me understand more,” Zoe says softly, not like she was embarrassed or unwilling to share with Evan, but more like earlier, when she asked him to listen to her music, just slightly unsure. Maybe she didn’t really get a chance to talk about this stuff either, but maybe it was because no one was asking. </p><p>Evan actually pauses and keeps himself from blurting anything else out or asking anything that might offend Zoe somehow (it was a miracle it hadn’t already happened), and just sits with a semi-uneasy feeling in his stomach. He thinks he maybe opened a whole can of things that he maybe shouldn’t be talking about with a friend of less than twenty-four hours. He didn’t know Connor had a drug problem, or did sober imply a drinking problem, or was it both? Should they be talking about it if Connor wasn’t there too? Evan flashes to this morning when he felt so good about “knowing” Connor and Zoe. And he guesses that knowing someone’s favorite color and a couple of hobbies wasn’t actually knowing them at all. But maybe this could be his chance to fix that, if he didn’t say anything offensive that was.</p><p>“That’s good then, really good, right?” is all Evan can think to say, seeing how Zoe said she did like therapy and that it seemed to be working for her and her brother. It seemed like something safe to say.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s a good thing Evan,” Zoe says softly again, wrapping her arms around herself a little protectively, and instinctually Evan wants to reach out and hug her, but he knows that would most definitely freak her out, so he doesn’t. </p><p>Instead he shifts around awkwardly and tries to expand a little on his dumb question from before, hoping to maybe deepen their conversation a little, telling Zoe, “I guess I asked if you liked it because my mom mentioned it to me earlier this summer and I wasn’t sure about it then. And I guess it kind of surprised me you guys went.” </p><p>“I mean I can really only talk about my own experience, but I think it’s been really nice to talk to someone about everything that happened and how I felt about it and everything. It’s nice to have someone listen to you and help you figure stuff out,” Zoe says, leaning against what Evan thinks is her doorframe, but still keeping her arms tight around herself.</p><p>And Evan definitely notices that she said, “everything that happened” and he knows that that was a story that couldn’t possibly be good. But he has enough tact to know not to press her further about that. She seemed fine talking about therapy as a general concept and if she offered more than that, he’d listen, but she had to tell him because she wanted to. And maybe if they got to be close enough friends, he could tell her…No, he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t tell anyone that. Ever. Even Zoe Murphy. </p><p>“So if you’re interested, even just a little, I think you should try,” Zoe tells him warmly, not in the pushy way that his mom had, and it makes Evan want to ask her about one of his fears about therapy, even though he knew it was probably stupid, so he asks, “So your therapist isn’t just some old person who tells you you’re weird for the whole time? They’re nice to you?” </p><p>“No our therapist doesn’t do that, and yes, I think they’re nice to me and to Connor. But we did have a different one at first, who we just didn’t really like, the vibes were just wrong, so we switched and we like our new one a lot,” Zoe says smiling at him again, loosening the hold on herself and taking a small step in towards Evan. </p><p>“Oh. I guess I never even thought about getting to switch or anything like that. I guess I didn’t really know that much about it and just kind of wrote it off. I didn’t mean to bring this up, but thanks for talking about it with me, sometimes it’s just too hard to talk to my mom about stuff,” Evan admits to her, and even though he felt like he completely ruined their friendship two minutes in, he’s glad she talked with him about something more than hobbies. It made him feel like she trusted him, that she liked him, and just a little less broken. </p><p>“Of course Ev. One, there’s nothing wrong with going to therapy, it’s healthy, and two, we’re friends, we can talk about anything. And I just have a really strong feeling that we’re going to be really good friends, I want you to know that,” Zoe says confidently, the faint blush returning once more to her cheeks, and the way Zoe says it, like she had yesterday, makes Evan believe her without a single doubt. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>Zoe watches as Evan’s face changes from hesitant to a soft smile and it makes her so happy that he feels okay talking to her. And she truly doesn’t mind talking about harder stuff with him, because it feels easy for her to just trust him, even though she wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe it was because he didn’t seem afraid to ask, worried that he shouldn’t have, but he was still asking, and no one ever really did that. And she understands that Evan wasn’t really used to people wanting to talk to him, so he didn’t always know what was okay, but she didn’t care. She could show him what having a friend was like. </p><p>And friends definitely held hands, or at least that’s what Zoe tells herself as she reaches for Evan’s good hand, while also opening the door to her room. She doesn’t interlace their fingers like she did yesterday, but she doesn’t drop his hand either as she tugs him into her room and closes the door behind them. </p><p>Zoe glances up to Evan who just looked like he was in awe of everything around him, everything that Zoe loved. And she supposes it makes sense, her room was kind of a lot, but she spent a lot of time in her room, so she wanted it to be perfectly her. And it was. </p><p>Zoe had spent a long time delicately hanging fairy lights around the perimeter of her room, casting a soft glow throughout the whole space, which highlighted all the bright colors of her pillows and rugs. Maybe it was a bit much to have an actual piano in her room, but it fit in the space and she used it almost every day. She might even use it today to play for Evan, she thinks he might like the softer tones of the piano compared to her string instruments. And she also had a lot of plants, which she saw Evan eyeing happily, probably trying to figure out what kind they were. The plants made her feel at ease and she liked taking care of them, and she thinks they might make Evan feel more at ease too, more in his element. She wants nothing more than for Evan to feel safe with her. And Zoe thinks they were almost there, not quite, but soon he’d hopefully stop thinking she was going to ask him to leave. </p><p>Watching Evan take in her room, makes Zoe think about what Evan’s own room was like. She imagines a soft green on his walls, to remind him of the forest. He seemed like the tidy type too, so his bed was probably made, with blue sheets and a blue comforter. And maybe he had some plants too, and if he didn’t, she might get him one, just because, and definitely not so he’d have something to remind him of her at his house. Definitely not that. </p><p>Zoe figures Evan’s had enough time to look around her room, so she gently squeezes his hand to get his attention, and carefully pulls him to her bed. She lets his hand go and immediately misses the feeling and comforting weight of Evan’s hand, but she needed two hands to play and she didn’t want to freak him out too much. So she casually leans against her pillows and grabs her ukulele as Evan adorably fidgets on the foot of her bed. </p><p>“Any requests Evan? Songs or genre?” Zoe asks, and almost immediately regrets it when she sees Evan’s slightly paralyzed face at the thought of having to make a decision for her. She thinks he’s probably worried about making the wrong decision, making her upset. They could work on that, because she doesn’t think she could ever really get upset with Evan. </p><p>“No, um, whatever you want to play, I don’t really know anything,” Evan says, looking down at his lap and toying with the bit of cotton that was already starting to fray on his cast. And Zoe just smiles at him and gently pats his arm until he looks back up at her again. She wanted him to know it was okay that he didn’t know, that he didn’t have to, not when he was with her. </p><p>Zoe quickly goes through the list of her favorite songs, the ones she knew by heart, but none of them seem quite right to play for Evan. “Riptide” had a line that said ‘scared of pretty girls and starting conversations’ and she thought that might too much for Evan. “Again” talked about broken wings and learning to fly, and she thought that was just too soon for Evan. And all her favorite Taylor Swift songs were love songs and she thought that might make him anxious too. She didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or overthink any of her song choices. She wanted him to just enjoy her playing for him. </p><p>And then she knows what she should play. One of her own songs. She’d been working on one recently and it wasn’t quite ready yet, and she doesn’t know if she’d be able to tell Evan what it was about if he asked, but she thinks he might understand. Evan would probably just <em>get it</em> and that gives her the confidence to ask, “Um, Evan, actually do you want to hear a song I wrote? No one’s ever heard it though, so it might not be good.” </p><p>“Yeah, I want to hear it, but only if you want to share it with me. And you shouldn’t say that, it’s going to be great,” Evan tells her earnestly, meeting her eyeline, relaxing the smallest bit from his fidgeting, which makes her relax a little too.  </p><p>“Okay, but just remember it’s still kind of a draft,” Zoe says, setting her ukulele down to quickly grab her guitar from its stand, before returning to her spot on the bed. She was a little bit nervous, but she wanted Evan to trust her, so maybe that meant being a little vulnerable with him too. </p><p>Zoe starts to strum a soft melody and she looks down at her guitar, focusing on playing instead of looking to Evan as she begins to sing,</p><p>
  <em>The drought was the very worst,<br/>
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst<br/>
It was months, and months of back and forth,<br/>
You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore<br/>
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rain came pouring down when I was drowning<br/>
That's when I could finally breathe<br/>
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, thank god you’re finally clean</em>
</p><p>Zoe dares to look up at Evan, and she’s glad she did, because he was captivated by her. He was watching her so intensely, taking in every lyric, everything she did. And she doesn’t feel judged by him at all, it actually encourages her because he so obviously cared about what she was singing, how she felt. She thinks he cares a lot, possibly more than anyone else had, and she’s just really glad she shared this with him. </p><p>
  <em>There was nothing left to do,<br/>
When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room<br/>
So you punched a hole in the roof,<br/>
And I let the flood carry away all my pictures of you<br/>
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud, but no one heard a thing</em>
</p><p><em>Rain came pouring down when I was drowning<br/>
That's when I could finally breathe<br/>
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, thank god you’re finally clean<br/>
I think you’re finally clean,<br/>
Said, I think you’re finally clean, </em> </p><p>Zoe knows she’s getting to the end of her song and she hadn’t looked away from Evan, and surprisingly he hadn’t looked away from her either, and she kind of feels like they’re trapped in this little moment together and she doesn’t really want it to end. She wants to stay like this for a while longer, not quite knowing what Evan thought, but feeling it instead. She felt like he wouldn’t judge her or pressure her to explain that he’d just be there, just listen.</p><p>
  <em>Three months sober, I must admit<br/>
Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it<br/>
Three months older I won't give in<br/>
Now that you’re clean, I hope you never risk it</em>
</p><p><em>The drought was the very worst,</em><br/>
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst<br/>
But thank god you’re finally clean </p><p>Zoe finishes singing and sets her guitar down and the second it’s out of her hands, Evan’s leaning over to hug her, gently settling his cast and other arm across her back. It takes her a bit by surprise because she’s always been the one to initiate touching Evan, but then she relaxes into it and wraps her arms around his waist, holding him tightly. And she really likes the feeling of his arms around her. She thinks they fit together really well, and she’s pretty sure she was blushing again. </p><p>“Zoe, I don’t really know what that song was about, and you don’t have to tell me, but um, if you ever do want to talk, I’ll listen,” Evan says, finally releasing his hold on her and scooting back just a little bit to give her some space. </p><p>“Thanks Evan,” Zoe says softly, feeling a warmness spread inside her as Evan confirmed everything she thought about him. She thinks she’s going to be spending a lot more time thinking about Evan and she’s sure that just intensifies her blush. </p><p>“And um, also, your song was incredible. You shouldn’t think that your songs aren’t good because I haven’t heard any other ones but I’m sure they’re all this good. And I’d um, I’d listen to those too, but only if you wanted to share them with me, but you don’t have to though,” Evan says quickly, his pace of speech giving away that he was just a little flustered at the prospect of Zoe sharing more of her own music with him. But she thinks it’s really cute and she knows she for sure wanted to share more music with Evan. And maybe write some about him too. </p><p>“No, I think I want to. I’ll sing for you some more,” Zoe says, unknowingly moving closer in towards Evan, so that their knees were touching just ever so slightly. And just as she thinks Evan might move in closer to her too, close the incredibly tiny gap between them, they hear a gentle knock on the Zoe’s door, accompanied by a muffled, “Hey it’s Connor, can I come in?” </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>Evan notices Zoe jump slightly at the sound of the knock and it shakes him out of the little trance he was in. He had been sitting so close to Zoe, completely enamored by everything she was doing. How was it possible she was so amazing? </p><p>And he really didn’t know what her song was about, but he figured maybe it had to do with Connor, since she mentioned he was sober now. And right now, it wasn’t his business to ask about anything she didn’t voluntarily offer, and he was going to stick to it. But it puts his romanticized version of her he had in head into a better perspective. Zoe wasn’t perfect like he’d always thought, but that almost makes her better? She was likely dealing with darker things, just like him, so maybe if he did want to talk to her, she’d understand, if not completely, more than anyone else probably would. </p><p>“Yeah Connor, come in, Evan’s already here,” Zoe says, carefully moving away from Evan and back towards the large pile of decorative pillows. And he gets why she moved, and he agrees because he didn’t want Connor to get the wrong idea or anything. They were just friends.</p><p>“Hey Evan, how’s your arm doing?” Connor asks politely, coming into Zoe’s room, looking around awkwardly like he didn’t know where he should go to sit. So he doesn’t sit anywhere, only stands in front of them shifting his weight back and forth.  </p><p>Evan can’t help but think that Connor was doing exactly what he would have done if Zoe hadn’t led him to her bed to sit. And before he can even answer Connor, Zoe is up from the bed and handing Connor pillows and placing more on the floor for all of them to sit comfortably. Zoe sits and gently pulls Evan down from the bed too, as Connor stretched out across from them. Evan notices that Connor relaxes a lot at Zoe’s kind gesture, her attempt to make Connor and him feel welcome in her room. God she was so nice.</p><p>“Um, it’s okay. Nothing hurts as bad as yesterday though, so that’s good,” Evan says absentmindedly fiddling with the cotton lining of his cast, his new habit since picking at his nails was kind of difficult right now.  </p><p>“Do you think you’ll have to go back to work?” Connor asks him, and Evan hadn’t even thought about that. Did he have to go back to work for the rest of the summer? The only he could probably do with one arm was give tours and he absolutely did not want that at all. He’d rather formally quit than spend four more weeks getting pebbles thrown at him and having kids laugh at him. And he didn’t really want to be back in Ellison for a while. It reminds him of all the pain he was in yesterday and he doesn’t really want to relive that. </p><p>“I don’t know actually, but I kind of hope not. Is that bad?” Evan asks quietly, he didn’t mind that Connor asked, it was honestly a valid question. But he hopes Zoe and Connor understand why he doesn’t want to go back without having to explain more. </p><p>“No,” Connor and Zoe say at the same time, so Connor gestures to Zoe to let her finish her thoughts, so she turns more towards Evan and tells him, “You need time to heal, and school starts soon anyway.” </p><p>“Wasn’t it just for the summer too? If it was already almost over, they probably won’t make you come back,” Connor adds, and it makes him feel better that neither Zoe nor Connor thought he should go back, or seemed like they wanted him to either. Maybe they wanted to hang out with him instead of him working, because that’s what he wanted. </p><p>“Yeah you guys are probably right, but I’ll probably have to talk to my bosses again. I hope they’re not mad,” Evan says sadly, knowing he hadn’t asked Connor about anything his bosses had said yesterday, knowing he couldn’t handle another layer of emotion, another layer of disappointment.</p><p>Zoe seems to notice Evan’s mood dropping a little, probably because they were talking about his work and where he had his fall yesterday, so she attempts to change the topic, saying, “Let’s not worry about it right this moment, let’s all do something fun.” </p><p>Evan looks over to Connor to see if he had anything to suggest that could be fun, because Evan knew he didn’t. He wasn’t sure what people did when they hung together. But Connor looks just as panicked as him and definitely wasn’t offering up any suggestions, so once again it’s Zoe who takes the lead, and Evan watches her as her eyes light up with an idea. </p><p>“Ooh, I know what we can do! Evan can we decorate your cast? Connor could draw something really cool and I have tons of colors of sharpies!” Zoe exclaims, looking positively giddy about the chance to color on Evan’s plain white cast. Evan had always noticed that she drew all over her pants and shoes and the way she looked so excited about it, he knows he’s going to say yes. </p><p>“Yeah that’s fine,” Evan says, smiling back at the both of them. He vaguely remembers in the third grade there was a boy who broke his arm and the whole class signed his cast (because the teacher had said he needed to let everyone, so that included Evan), but he’d never really thought about people wanting to sign his cast. But here was two people who were asking eagerly to. </p><p>“What should I draw?” Connor asks timidly, probably frozen with the same fear of making the wrong decision that Evan always had. Especially because Evan was going to have to have it on his arm for eight more weeks. Eight weeks was a long time. </p><p>“Um, I don’t know. Whatever you want to I guess,” Evan replies, looking between Zoe and Connor, hoping one of them would have an idea.</p><p>“Okay, I think I know, Zo can you grab your markers? Grab all the colors. Evan, you can’t look until it’s done,” Connor says, getting up to move closer to Evan, taking his arm and setting it in his own lap to start drawing. </p><p>“Okay,” Evan says, deliberately looking away from his arm, giving Connor complete control. And he really hopes it’s a good decision. He knows they’re friends and he wants to believe that, but what if Connor like drew a penis or something inappropriate and just laughed at Evan instead? He didn’t think that would happen and he keeps telling himself to believe it, but the nasty little voice in his head keeps trying to tell them that his friendship with the Murphy’s was all fake. </p><p>But Zoe happily keeps a light conversation going between all three of them as Connor drew, and it relaxes Evan. Connor wouldn’t try to embarrass Evan and Evan was fairly certain that Zoe wouldn’t let him either. So he just enjoys the time they were all spending together and tries his hardest not to peek at all at Connor’s drawing.</p><p>“Okay Evan, you can look now, Zoe you too,” Connor says, capping the final sharpie and scooting away from Evan, like he didn’t want to be too close to see Evan’s initial reaction to his art. </p><p>Evan looks down at his cast and is completely stunned. Connor had drawn what appeared to be a couple of apple trees, with his and Zoe’s names intricately woven into the leafy tops in different colors of green. And below the main treetops, are three small characters. Perched on a lower limb is a tiny blue person looking down at what looked like a fairy (she had really pretty wings) sitting crisscross playing guitar, and one more little person leaning against the tree dressed in black, carrying an apple. </p><p>“Um, it’s us. And I didn’t want to draw forest trees obviously, but I know you like trees Evan, so I drew this apple orchard that me and Zoe used to go to when we were little. We um, we had a lot of fun there, and I thought maybe it could remind you that we could all have fun together and that we’re all friends now,” Connor tells them, looking mostly at Evan, but glancing every so often to Zoe, to catch her reaction too.</p><p>Evan is almost too overwhelmed to say anything at all and he thinks he might even start crying. But not sad tears. Tears of happiness. Both Murphy siblings were treating him so kindly, so wonderfully and he honestly didn’t know how it was possible that they liked him so much. And he wishes he had met them earlier in his life. But maybe they showed up right when he needed them most, maybe their arrival into his life was a little bit of fate. Finally a twist of fate that worked out well for Evan. </p><p>“I love it Connor, thank you,” Evan tells him, actually looking Connor in the eye, so that Connor knew he was being genuine. He really did love it. Connor had turned something he was planning on ignoring for two months into something he wanted to look at all the time.</p><p>“Yeah, Con this is so cool. Can I look closer Evan?” Zoe asks and Evan nods, moving his arm closer to Zoe so she could reach for it and look more closely at all the details Connor had included. </p><p>“It really is so good Connor, you should sketch this on paper so we have it for longer,” Zoe says looking over to her brother, truthfully complimenting his work. Evan nods his head vigorously along with Zoe, letting Connor know he also thought that was a good idea. He’d keep a real picture forever, just as Connor said, as a reminder that they were friends. </p><p>“Thanks,” Connor says bashfully, looking down and away from Evan and Zoe, like he wasn’t used to people admiring his work, just like Zoe had been about her music. </p><p>“Oh Evan, I meant to ask earlier, but do have any plans for next week? It’s our birthday and our parents always let us go somewhere fun and we want you to come with us,” Zoe says, taking some of the attention off of Connor, who looked pleased with the admiration, but unclear on what to do with it. </p><p>Evan is kind of shocked at Zoe’s offer, first off because did she just say “our birthday”? Were Connor and Zoe twins? Did they have the same birthday? Secondly, she wanted him to go on a trip with them? And Connor wanted that too? </p><p>“Um, your birthdays?” Evan asks, wanting to clear up his first question, and to give himself some time to process the fact that Zoe and Connor not only wanted to be friends with him, they wanted to be <em>really good</em> friends with him. </p><p>“Yeah, me and Connor’s birthday’s are only four days apart, so we almost always celebrate them together. And for four days we’re the same age, which I get to lord over Connor,” Zoe says sticking her tongue out at Connor playfully as he rolled his eyes dramatically. </p><p>“Evan, when’s your birthday?” Connor asks hopefully, like maybe Evan’s birthday was around theirs and they could really celebrate. But maybe he just wanted to know because that’s what friends did, celebrated birthdays together. </p><p>“October 27th,” Evan tells them automatically, still fairly astonished over the fact they’d just invited him on a long trip with them and everything that came with said invitation. Where would they go? For how long? Who would be driving? Were Larry and Cynthia coming too? Would his mom even let him go? Well, actually he knew that one, his mom would definitely let him go. </p><p>“That’s awesome because it means we’ll all be seventeen for four days, which is fun. We thought about driving to the boardwalk and the beach. It’s like two hours away and usually pretty fun. They have the best candy store and super fun carnival games. Our parents said we could go alone this year too, which will be super fun,” Zoe says, getting excited the more she talked about what her and Connor (and by the looks of Connor, mostly her) had planned. But Evan has to admit, that did sound pretty fun, and it was a bunch of things he’d never done before. </p><p>“Um, yeah, yeah. I just have to check with my mom, but she’ll be fine with it and I want to go. I’ve never been to the beach before,” Evan tells them, finally settling on the idea that a trip would be really fun. A trip with friends. Best friends. </p><p>“Then that’s where we have to go, it’s settled,” Zoe says, setting Evan’s arm, which she’d still been holding onto her lap, staying close to him, even though she didn’t really have a reason to. </p><p>And everything that was happening right in this moment, was making Evan feel warm and happy, just like the entire day had been. Just like all his days might be if he had Zoe and Connor.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I love the fluff and the pretty intense friendship all three of them are making because they're going to be the three best friends that ever were. Next chapter I know for sure will feature Evan picking out birthday presents, but what comes after, who's to say?? I hope you stay tuned for next Tuesday, if not earlier!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. August Slipped Away Like A Moment In Time Pt. I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan talks with Heidi and picks out birthday presents for Connor and Zoe.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!! This chapter is all Evan again, so I hope that's okay because I think it's pretty fun! And I think Evan would be really cute about picking out the perfect presents for Connor and Zoe, so that's what I wrote about! I hope everyone is liking the softer vibe of this story, but there will be drama, it's just coming at a slower pace (mostly because my work has been keeping me a slower writing pace) but chances are that just means that this story will be longer than I originally thought, which isn't a bad thing. And I can assure you, I will finish this story, so we might be in for a long haul! Also eventually they'll start school and that means Jared and Alana will show up soon so that's exciting! And they will be better represented than in my last story :) </p><p>As always, a huge thank you to all you lovely readers out there! Thank you for the support and comments (I love hearing from you guys), the kudos, and the subscriptions, all of it! It means so much, so just thank you, thank you!!!!! </p><p>And also sorry this update is a little late, today was a bit rough...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan ends up staying with Connor and Zoe for the whole day, even through dinner, which he has to admit was kind of weird, but still better than if he was home alone doing nothing. But the weirdest thing was that it was awkward, but not from anything he did. He mostly stayed quiet and tried to politely answer any of Cynthia’s questions. It was Larry who was making things tense. </p><p>Evan still couldn’t figure out why Connor’s dad was so harsh with him, similar to the day before when he all but accused Connor of breaking Evan’s arm. And then on the flip side, Cynthia was being overly nice to everyone, probably trying to make up for her husband’s coldness, and it made for a slightly uncomfortable atmosphere. A strange back and forth of emotions. For Evan at least, because Zoe and Connor looked unaffected by it, like it was their normal. </p><p>And Evan thinks it probably has to do with whatever Zoe’s song was about, whatever it was that had happened with Connor, but he was never going to ask about it, unless either of them wanted to tell him. They were entitled to their own secrets and Evan felt like they didn’t need to be constantly reliving things either. He sure as hell didn’t. And right now, Zoe and Connor seemed okay with each other, happy and supportive, and Evan thought that was a good thing. And he knew because they all had a good day. An incredible day even. Together.    </p><p>They’d spent most of it planning their birthday trip, switching to Connor’s room because he had a second monitor to use so that all of them could see the websites they were pulling up. And they laughed and talked and got distracted often, leading them into really interesting tangents about so many things. And Evan feels calm surprisingly and like he was actually adding value to the conversation. Something he’d never really felt before.  </p><p>At some point they go back to Zoe’s room and she plays more music for both of them, her classical audition pieces on piano and guitar. She was incredible for both, and Evan could tell Connor thought so too. And both of them make sure Zoe knows it. Zoe humbly brushes off the compliments, but Evan can see her eyes shining with pride and it makes him happy to see her happy. And he knows he’d probably do anything to keep her that happy. </p><p>The whole day Evan never once feels out of place (besides initially being weird at the door) and he thinks the three of them have a good thing going so far. He thinks they could be really happy as friends, having each other. And he’s going to make sure he doesn’t mess it up because he knew the chances of Connor or Zoe doing something wrong weren’t high. The chances of him ruining something though, those were likely odds. But he was going to try harder than he ever had to keep this wonderful friendship together. </p><p>Eventually Evan knows he has to go home, even though his mom wouldn’t even be home yet, because he doesn’t want to overstay his welcome on his first day hanging out at their house. And he knows it won’t be his last day there which makes him feeling better about leaving. He felt confident that he’d see them between now and their birthday trip. Mostly because between today and the trip was Zoe’s actual birthday, and he knew he’d see her then. He wanted to do something special for her, he just didn’t know what yet. Maybe bring her a cupcake or something. He had a few days to google what would be weird and what wouldn’t be, so he wasn’t too stressed about it.  </p><p>Connor and Zoe both offer to drive Evan home after dinner and end up arguing over who should drive since they both had cars. Evan thinks it’s pretty cute, the kind of sibling-y thing he always wished he had growing up. It’s finally decided that Connor would drive since his car was bigger and they weren’t going to make Evan climb into the back of Zoe’s little slug bug and Connor outright refused, claiming he was too tall to fit back there. Zoe huffs a little, but ultimately agrees and climbs into the backset of Connor’s Camry, popping her head through the space between them to stay part of the conversation. And Evan can’t say he doesn’t enjoy her being that close, looking over and smiling at him. </p><p>Evan is sad their day is over when Connor pulls up beside his house and definitely moves slower than he should, dragging out their goodbye. If Connor or Zoe realize what he’s doing, they don’t say anything, which Evan appreciates. And when Zoe gets out of the car (to switch to Evan’s seat up front for the drive home), she leans into him and gives him the quickest hug ever. Evan barely has time to hug her back before she’s back in Connor’s car and smiling at him again. Evan doesn’t even think Connor noticed the exchange at all. But her hug makes him feels tingly, like he can feel every spot on his body where Zoe’s body touched his. A small reminder that she was real, that this whole thing was real, and it makes him feel better about leaving them for the night. </p><p>And Evan really didn’t even need to worry because they’d made plans for tomorrow on the way to his house. Connor wanted to take them to his favorite bookstore, and he mentioned that there were other cool stores around it that he’d never been to but would check out if him and Zoe wanted to. Evan was looking forward to it, even though he knows he can’t buy anything, especially now that he had their birthdays to think about for next week. </p><p>Evan didn’t have a lot of disposable income, but he had a little. He’d saved the money his grandma on his dad’s side sent him every year for his birthday (his own dad didn’t even call him on his birthday let alone send him anything) and he’d saved his paychecks from this summer too. He thought he’d maybe use it for college at the time, but he wasn’t really sure if college was even a good goal for him or if he even wanted to go. So wasn’t it more reasonable to spend the money on something now? Something he thought was worth it? Friends did things for each other and he wanted to be a good friend.  </p><p>And he thinks Zoe and Connor would be okay if he didn’t get them something or if he made them something, but he really wants to buy them something. He’d never gotten a chance to pick out a present for a friend before, and he wanted to surprise them with something beyond what he could make himself. Something that said, “I listen, I see you, and I know you”. Something he’d always secretly wished would happen to him, but never did. All his birthdays passed with a single card from his grandma and either a toy or a giftcard (now that he was older) from his mom. Even Hanukkah came and went every year with generic small gifts from his mom, nothing that was really special to Evan or thought of just for him. And he didn’t want his first experience gift giving to be generic, he wanted it to be special. </p><p>And there was a big chance his mom would be leaving money in the next week for him to “order takeout”. And he knew he wasn’t going to do it, he never would, but he could keep that money too. Normally he just left it on the counter for his mom to take back, but maybe he could pretend to order in and just keep the money for presents? Or at least for their trip to the boardwalk? He knew he’d need money for that too. </p><p>He thinks this is a good plan even though he feels a little guilty about taking money from his mom that she intended for a different purpose. But maybe she wouldn’t care, maybe her thinking he ordered something and talked to someone at the door would make her feel better, not so stressed about him all the time. Maybe she would even think it was okay when he told her they were going to the beach. Maybe an invitation to somewhere with friends would trump talking to strangers in his social apprehensions and she’d consider it a success. </p><p>But he could also just ask her when she got home. He decided to stay up and wait for her to get home, so he could tell her about his day. He wants to show her his cast and tell her about Zoe’s music and the trip, and just how good his day had been. He’d never stayed up for his mom before because he normally had nothing to say and didn’t usually feel up to lying to her. And it’s not like she checked in on him late at night either, which is how they went days without seeing each other. And he didn’t want that today, today he wanted to try, even if it was just to show that he <em>could</em> have a normal day. </p><p>Heidi gets home close to midnight and is shocked to see Evan up and waiting for her in the living room. Her face falls just a little and Evan can only assume it’s because she’s assuming that he has bad news. Her voice lifts just a little, a ploy to preemptively comfort him as she says, “Hey bud, is everything okay? You’re normally asleep by now.”  </p><p>Evan thinks maybe it was a bad idea to stay up and talk to his mom, because she looks so tired and like she wouldn’t be able to handle any bad news from him at all. But he didn’t have bad news and she had to know that if he truly did have bad news, then he wouldn’t be staying up to tell her. He’d be in bed pretending to sleep, hoping and praying that the night would go by faster and he might eventually just pass out from exhaustion. Those were typical nights, but tonight wasn’t. Tonight, he had good news and he’d really thought his mom would want to hear it, but maybe not. </p><p>“I just wanted to tell you about my day and I thought you might want to hear about it. But um, if you’re tired, um, it can wait, or if you don’t want to that’s okay too,” Evan says, getting up from the couch and looking away from her, starting to walk to his room, realizing he never should have waited up. Today was just a normal day and normal people had them all the time. If he was just normal, then it wouldn’t be such a big deal that he had a good day with two friends. But he wasn’t and his mom probably didn’t care about his day at all. </p><p>“No, Evan, of course I want to. Let me get changed first and maybe you could start some tea? Then you can tell me all about your day, I promise,” Heidi says reaching out towards him like she was going to grab his hand, but Evan flinches away a little, so she just nods at him instead. </p><p>“Yeah, um, okay,” Evan says, nodding his head while walking into their small kitchen. He really wishes he wouldn’t have said anything because now he knew she was only going to listen to him to be nice, not because she really wanted to. She’d rather sleep than listen to him blather on about an unremarkable day, but if she chose that, then she’d look really awful, so now Evan was bad one by making her choose in the first place. He could have just waited for a few days whenever she decided to check in next, but he just had to say something tonight, like he had to prove that he could do it. </p><p>Evan mindlessly adds water to the electric tea kettle and plugs it in, then grabs two mugs and two bags of chamomile tea. While he’s waiting for the water to heat up, he thinks that maybe today wasn’t completely unremarkable, because today he’d been invited to a party of sorts. A birthday celebration, and that didn’t happen every day. So maybe when he told his mom that part, she’d be happier for him. It was one thing to have two people pity-invite you over to their house the  day after an accident, which is probably what his mom thought this morning, but when future plans came out of it, she had to believe that it wasn’t just pity anymore, right?</p><p>Evan starts pouring the water into their mugs just as Heidi comes back, changed into sweats and a pajama shirt. She takes a seat at the countertop and gestures for Evan to do the same, even going as far as pulling the barstool a little bit closer to hers. Evan scoots it back as he sits though, not buying into what might be fake enthusiasm. </p><p>“So Evan, tell me all about your day with <em>Zoe</em>,” Heidi says in a playful tone, exaggerating Zoe’s name, making Evan blush. Now he knows he really shouldn’t have said anything because all his mom was going to do was tease him about Zoe. And they weren’t even dating, they probably never would.  </p><p>“Connor was there too Mom, not just Zoe,” Evan grumbles, twirling the tea bag around in his cup to avoid looking at his mom, sure that his face was flushed. </p><p>“Okay then, what did you and Connor and Zoe do then?” Heidi asks more softly, realizing that Evan was not taking her teasing in the easy way she meant it, but in a much harsher way. </p><p>“Well actually it was just me and Zoe at first,” Evan starts, appreciating that his mom was laying off on the teasing, finally looking up to her and telling her, “And she played some music for me on her guitar, a song she wrote. And it was really, really good. Zoe’s a really talented songwriter and musician.” </p><p>“That’s great, and I’m sure she is. What did you guys do when Connor got there?” Heidi asks, sipping at her tea, clearly trying to be engaged with what Evan was telling her. And Evan couldn’t tell if she was genuinely interested or just pretending for his sake. </p><p>“Connor drew on my cast, see,” Evan says, moving his arm so his mom could see Connor’s artwork on his cast, explaining, “He drew me, him, and Zoe at an apple orchard. He said it could be a reminder that we’re friends.” </p><p>“That was very sweet of him, and it seems to me that Connor’s quite the talent too,” Heidi says, admiring Connor’s picture on Evan’s cast, rotating his arm gently so she could see all of it.</p><p>“Yeah, they both are. Mom, it was really fun hanging out and talking with them all today, we had a really good day,” Evan says quietly, still feeling a little unsure about if his mom really cared if his day was good, but still wanting to tell her. </p><p>“That’s great Evan, really great. I’m glad you found them,” Heidi tells him sincerely, letting go of his casted arm and reaching over to squeeze his good shoulder gently. And Evan lets her this time and doesn’t flinch away, which makes his mom smile a little at him. </p><p>“Me too. And, um, next week is both Zoe and Connor’s birthdays and they want me to go with them to the beach, is that okay?” Evan asks hesitantly, even though he was pretty sure she’d say yes. But there was always the chance she’d say no and then he’d feel bad because he knows he’d just go anyway, so he really wants her to say yes. </p><p>“Of course that’s okay Evan. That’ll be so fun for you guys. A whole day at the beach! Make sure you don’t get your cast wet though,” Heidi says lightly, smiling at Evan like she was proud of him for getting other people to invite him somewhere. Evan manages a weak smile back at her, but only because he also wants her to say yes to his next ask too.</p><p>“So um, do you think there’s a time maybe coming up, where, um, we could pick out presents for them? Me and you?” Evan asks, picking nervously at his cast, once again not sure what she’d say. Evan’s never directly asked his mom for something like this before, to specifically make time for something he wanted to do, to just make time for him in general. And he knows there’s not a good chance that she can do it because she was so busy, or she’ll say yes and then forget (it happened so many times that Evan started to learn that both yes and no were actually no), but he’d figured he should try anyway. </p><p>His mom might make it a little weird if she does say yes, but he thinks it’d still be better if she were there. Mostly because then she could talk to the cashiers and tell store employees that they were actually fine and didn’t need any help. And she’d be able to help him decide if there were multiple options for presents. Both things he was kind of terrified of, if he had to go alone. And there was also the fact that Heidi could drive them which would be nice so that Evan didn’t have to go on the bus or walk all the way to the mall. And it’s not like he could ask Zoe or Connor to come with him to pick out their own presents, so his mom was really his only option.</p><p>“Sure honey, that will be so fun. Maybe after your follow-up appointment on Tuesday? I already took the day off from work, so I have all day until class to spend with you,” Heidi says trying to meet Evan’s eyeline as he looked up from his cast in shock that she’d said yes. </p><p>Evan was stunned that she’d said yes and that he had a follow-up appointment that she’d made time for too. He’d completely forgotten that he was supposed to go to the doctor again to make sure his shoulder was okay and to do a few more cognitive exams to make sure his brain was okay. He was glad he didn’t have to go alone and that his mom could do most of the talking for him. And now that she would be with him beforehand, she couldn’t forget that she said they could go shopping together. The idea of actually getting to do something he wanted and planned to do with his mom makes him break into a real smile, one Heidi eagerly returns. Maybe staying up late for her wasn’t a mistake. </p><p>“Yeah, that works because I’m pretty sure Zoe said the beach would be Friday and her birthday is on Wednesday and Connor’s is Saturday,” Evan tells her, looking happy for a moment, until he remembers there was one more thing potentially holding him back, from both shopping and going with Connor and Zoe to the boardwalk, work. </p><p>“And, um, Mom, do you th-think that I have to go b-back to El-Ellison? Because I, um, I don’t really w-want to,” Evan says, stammering his way through because of how nervous he was. What if his mom made him go back for some reason? He didn’t want that. In fact, he really wanted his mom to talk to his bosses for him and tell them he couldn’t come back. Because he really didn’t know if he could. He doesn’t think he’d be able to go back to Ellison for a while. </p><p>“Well, um, I don’t know. Why don’t we wait until after your follow-up appointment and see then? Maybe you’ll start to feel better in a few days. I got a voicemail yesterday from them as your emergency contact and they said the same thing, to take a few days off,” Heidi tells him, squeezing his shoulder again in an attempt to comfort him. </p><p>Her answer is not the one Evan wanted, but he knows she only thinks that he didn’t want to go back because his arm hurt. But that’s all he can really let her think. She couldn’t really know why he couldn’t go back. </p><p>“Um, okay,” Evan says dejectedly, pushing away his barely touched teacup and looking away from his mom, wishing that she’d just understand without him having to say anything else. That she’d just tell him he didn’t have to go back, and she’d handle it. But that would probably be too many good things in one day for Evan, so of course it wasn’t going to happen. </p><p>“So bud, what did you want to get Zoe and Connor? Have you thought about it yet?” Heidi asks, clearly switching the topic back to the Murphy’s after seeing how forlorn Evan looked. </p><p>“No, not really, but I just want it to be special, not like a giftcard or something like that. Maybe something music-y for Zoe and I don’t know, Connor likes to read, so maybe a book?” Evan tells her, feeling slightly better that his mom was trying to talk to him about something good, and trying to continue their conversation, because maybe she was actually enjoying talking with him. And surprisingly Evan isn’t stressed about coming up with something to get for Connor and Zoe. He was a really observant person (it happened when you never talked and only watched) and he liked to think he was thoughtful, so he was sure he’d find something they would both like. Hopefully. </p><p>“I’m sure we’ll find something perfect. Well Evan, I’d love to keep talking, but I have an early shift tomorrow, so I should probably head off to bed,” Heidi says, getting up from her chair and lightly ruffling Evan’s hair, like it would make up for her ending their chat. </p><p>“Yeah of course, you’re really tired,” Evan says, picking at his cast some more to avoid looking her in the eye. He was finally feeling good about chatting with her and now she was leaving. And logically he knew she worked a lot and it wasn’t fair to keep her up longer, but it just made him feel kind of sad that they didn’t get to talk for that long. But at least most of their talk was pretty good. He got to tell her some good news. </p><p>“I’m really happy you had a good day with your friends Evan, really I am. I’m proud of you for reaching out to them and I can’t wait to pick out presents for them with you, truly,” Heidi tells him, pressing a kiss to his hairline in a comforting way. And it does actually comfort Evan a little. And maybe she really was just tired, and her leaving had nothing to do with not wanting to talk with him more. </p><p>“Thanks Mom,” Evan tells her softly, getting up out of his seat too, grabbing both their cups to put in the sink as Heidi walks off to her room and closes the door. </p><p>And he thinks about their conversation as he gets ready for bed too. Even though he was pretty positive that his mom didn’t fully care (she probably cared a little) it was still nice to talk, nicer than he thought it was going to be. </p><p>He had spent most of the summer talking to no one, going days without saying anything, and he just knows nothing would have changed if he hadn’t met Zoe and Connor. Even if he’d managed to get himself to the hospital yesterday. His mom would have gone to work today and he wouldn’t have seen her for at least a few more days. He would have been home alone, staring at a blank white cast, wishing that it would’ve worked. And he probably wouldn’t have made it to a follow-up appointment. He knows he would’ve tried again. </p><p>And that scares him. </p><p>He doesn’t want to keep thinking that way, knowing that underneath all the excitement of having two new friends, he was still the same incredibly sad person. And he doesn’t want to be sad anymore. He wants to feel the way he did around Zoe and around Connor all the time. And he doesn’t know what it’ll take, but he was going to do it. He might even try therapy if it helped him stop thinking about what could have been, what should have been. </p><p>Because what could have happened, didn’t. And that was a really good thing and Evan was finally starting to believe that. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>Tuesday rolls around before Evan even realizes, mostly because he’s spent every day with Zoe and Connor since his accident. Most of the time they spent together, all three of them, but there were times that Evan spent alone with Zoe and Connor depending on what they were doing. </p><p>Evan finds that spending time with Zoe alone is easy, easier than anything he’s ever done. She just understood him in a way no had ever before. She made him feel okay about his anxiety and she always tried to make things simpler for him, but without making him feel like she was pitying him. She tried because she wanted him to feel safe with her, and he did. </p><p>And he likes her, likes her so much. His crush had gotten even worse with all the time he was spending with her. Zoe was so pretty and so sweet and so gentle, and just so nice to him. He could have never imagined a Zoe that was better than the real thing, she was that incredible. But he knows he can’t do anything about it and besides, there was no way Zoe saw him as more than a friend. So Evan tried not to think about it so much and just enjoy the time he got to spend with her. Because that’s what was really important. </p><p>And Evan was even enjoying the time he spent alone with Connor too. It wasn’t quite as fluid and easy as it was with Zoe, but that was probably because both of them weren’t really used to having friends. The more Connor talks to him and opens up, the more Evan finds that Connor is really nice, and they’re pretty alike in a lot of ways and think pretty similarly about things. Often they’d get to the same conclusion without ever having to talk it over when stuff came up. They liked the same book characters and TV shows (well not all the same, but mostly) which made for really great conversations that frequently involved Zoe rolling her eyes at them. Evan had even started listening to a couple podcasts that Connor recommended so they could talk more about them. </p><p>Turns out it was really fun to have a friend. To have two friends. To have people who would listen when you talked. Who valued your opinion. Who respected you. Who actively wanted to see you. And all Evan can do is just be thankful for the Murphy’s and slowly start letting his own guard down too, show them who he really was. Even if he didn’t like that person, because they might. And right now, that was good enough for him.   </p><p>Evan’s a little bummed that he doesn’t get to see them Tuesday though, because of his appointment in the morning and then shopping with his mom afterwards, but he’s okay with it. He was still going to spend most of the day thinking about them, remembering small details so that he could get them the most perfect birthday gifts. </p><p>Evan’s glad to spend a little time with his mom today too because she’d been scarce the last couple of days, only really checking in on him through phone calls and notes on the kitchen counter. But at least he got to spend almost all day with her today. </p><p>Evan’s thankful for that too, because she does all the talking for him during his appointments, except when one of the nurses compliments Evan’s cast and he proudly says, “Thank you, my friend Connor drew it.” </p><p>Heidi smiles at him and Evan feels pretty good for the remainder of his appointment. The doctor tells him that everything looks good too. His shoulder was healing nicely, and it didn’t look like there was anything wrong with his brain. He’d been nervous that something would be wrong with him and that he’d have to keep seeing doctors and explaining and continue to be judged by them. But he doesn’t have to. He only has to come back in seven weeks to get his cast off and that was it. And he couldn’t be more relieved. </p><p>Heidi takes him to lunch after the appointment and Evan eats a little which makes Heidi happy too. He’d gotten his appetite back, little by little over the last few days, but his anxiety about going to the doctor in the morning was making him feel slightly nauseous again. But he tried and he knew his mom was trying to make today a little special-er so he would try too. </p><p>After lunch Heidi drives them to the mall, hoping that it would have enough stores for Evan to find something for Zoe and Connor that wasn’t plain or unoriginal like he’d requested. But it was up to Evan to guide them, so she turns to him to ask, “So Evan, where are we starting? What are we looking for, for <em>your</em> friends?” </p><p>“Um, maybe Connor first? I was thinking he might like a new sketchbook, where do you think that would be?” Evan asks, truly not sure where they could find what he was envisioning. Evan didn’t want to get a regular spiral sketchpad that they sold at like Target, he wanted to get Connor one that was bound and maybe had a leather or suede cover, something dark, and if it was possible (and by that he meant affordable), something he could customize with like a “C” or a “CM”. He was positive that Connor would like something like it. </p><p>“Or um, I guess a journal would work too. Just a nice book with blank pages,” Evan adds, hoping that would give his mom some more inspiration as to where they could go. They had quite a bit of time, so Evan didn’t want to rush. </p><p>“Well, let’s try the hobby store first, and if we don’t find anything there, there’s another store we could try that sells <em>tchotchkes</em> and stuff like you’re describing, but we’d really have to look through everything,” Heidi tells him, gesturing for him to follow in the direction of the hobby store, adding, “Tell me more about what you were thinking though Ev.” </p><p>“Well, um, Connor’s favorite color is like a dark red, but he also likes black and navy, so basically anything that’s a darker color. And most of his sketches are smaller so we don’t have to worry too much about the size. And I was hoping for something that was bound to remind him of an older book or like a spellbook. Connor really likes Harry Potter too, just like me. And he mostly draws with ink-y pens or charcoal, so we should look for something with heavier paper too,” Evan tells his mom, rambling slightly about Connor and everything he’d learned about him in the last week, to make sure his vision was as clear as possible to her. </p><p>And Heidi’s just watching him, nodding along as he spoke, smiling at him. It was nice to see Evan ramble on about something he was excited about, and not something he was anxiously spiraling over. She knows she doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with him, but she’s just glad they had today, and it looks like Evan was too. </p><p>When they look through the hobby store, Evan is shocked to find that there’s actually several good options for Connor. None of them had any custom elements like letters or anything, which Evan was bummed about, but everything else fit his idea for Connor perfectly. They had narrowed down the selection to three books, all bound, a crimson leather one that was regularly sized, a dark brown suede one that was more a composition notebook size, and a deep navy hardbound one that had the thickest paper and textured edges. </p><p>“Which one do you think Mom?” Evan asks Heidi holding out all three of them, knowing there was elements from each one that he liked and knew Connor would like too. </p><p>“Well, I don’t know Connor like you do. Why don’t you imagine him opening each one? Which one would make him the most excited?” Heidi prompts him, wanting Evan to pick for Connor, and really decide for himself what, (hopefully) his soon to be best friend, would want. </p><p>Evan does as Heidi suggests and closes his eyes, and imagines Connor unwrapping each one. And he thinks Connor would probably appreciate them all, but he thinks the red one is probably the best bet. It was the closest to what Evan originally thought of for Connor and he just had a feeling that it was the right choice. He was starting to feel more and more like that. Confident with choices, sure of himself. And the red one is a reasonable price in his opinion, not that he really knew what a reasonable price for a birthday present was, but it seems good. Not too expensive and not too cheap. Perfect for Connor. </p><p>Evan and Heidi get into a little tussle as Evan tries to give her the money to pay for Connor’s present and she insists that she should help pay for the gifts too. But Evan wins the argument, telling her he wanted to use his own money he earned over the summer, that if she really wanted to help, he’d take a small amount to get lunch when they went to the beach. Heidi seems okay with that, glad that Evan was planning on eating and glad that she could give a little too. She’d never had to get anything for any of Evan’s friends before (except for Jared, but his mom had always told her to get Jared a videogame and Evan always agreed), so she wanted him to have that experience. But she also understands that it was exciting for Evan to pay himself, so she acquiesces easily and pays for them at the register with Evan’s money. </p><p>“Okay bud, one down, one to go. What were you thinking for Zoe?” Heidi asks Evan as they walk out of the hobby shop, figuring they weren’t really going to find anything for Zoe there.</p><p>Evan knew what he wanted to get Zoe, but he was a little worried about it, which is why he suggested they do Connor first, but now he had to tell his mom. He wanted to get Zoe jewelry, something custom too, but he wasn’t sure if it was weird or not because they weren’t dating. But it was something he noticed all the time about Zoe, that she always had on at least one necklace, if not two to three at a time. The same was true about bracelets. And when Evan would look at them, he noticed they were all different, every day, so he figured she really liked them and had a lot. But he wasn’t sure what to get between a necklace and a bracelet without being able to see them in person. </p><p>“Um, do you think it’s weird to get her jewelry? And please don’t think it’s like a crush thing or a dating thing. It’s not, we’re just friends. But she just really likes necklaces, she’s always wearing one. Bracelets too,” Evan tells Heidi, fiddling with his cast and not meeting her gaze, positive that he was blushing even though he was trying not to. He really didn’t want his mom to think or tease him any about Zoe or having an actual friend who just happened to be a girl. </p><p>“Okay Evan, I know you’re just friends. And I don’t think it’ll be weird. If she really likes it, then she’ll probably like whatever you pick out too, she’ll probably like that you noticed. And I assume we’re not picking out a heart locket or a ring, so I don’t think Zoe will think too much into it,” Heidi tells him softly, knowing now that Evan took anything teasing in nature to heart about Zoe and she didn’t want to embarrass him, they were having a good day and she wanted it to stay that way. </p><p>“Oh my god no, no hearts whatsoever and no rings,” Evan says, feeling his face get even hotter at the thought of buying Zoe anything even remotely romantic. He was thankful she was his friend, and he was never going to jeopardize that, even if the idea of giving her a ring made his stomach flutter and his heart beat a little faster. </p><p>“I was actually thinking a music note. Do you think that’s dumb?” Evan asks, still not looking directly at his mom, and still a little unsure if getting Zoe a piece of jewelry was the right call, even if he did know that she liked it. </p><p>“No Evan. Music seems really important to her, so a music note necklace seems like a perfect gift, I promise,” Heidi says, squeezing his shoulder comfortingly, hoping that he’d feel more confident in his choice of present for his friend. </p><p>“Okay, and I mean a bracelet would be okay too. And we should look for gold colors, she likes those more than silver. And if we can, maybe something purple too. Well indigo really, but it might be hard to find indigo jewelry, but it is her favorite color. Or I guess I noticed she has a lot of “Z” decorations, like one on her door and another on her shelf, so like if we can’t find a music note, maybe a “Z” would be okay. I think she’d like both really,” Evan says excitedly, relaying the same amount of information about Zoe the way he did for Connor earlier. He tried to notice all the little things about her so that he could find something perfect. Something that she’d absolutely love.  </p><p>“Okay, Evan. We can try and I’m sure we’ll find something,” Heidi tells him, once more smiling at him, unable to recall a time where Evan seemed this genuinely excited about something. </p><p>Evan turns down the first store Heidi suggests because it looks too much like it’s for little girls and it wasn’t really Zoe’s style. But he knows he can’t afford like real gold jewelry or anything from a real jewelry shop, but why wasn’t there something in between? Something similar to what Zoe already wore? </p><p>Heidi tells him they’ll keeping looking and suggests another store and as they’re walking, they pass by a small kiosk with a really nice-looking older lady who was selling jewelry and trinkets and other little things. But it’s a tiny music note charm that catches Evan’s eye and he just knows that this was what he wanted to get Zoe. And then he notices a sign that says, “Custom Necklaces” and is  curious about what that means. Would it be possible for him to find exactly what he dreamed of for Zoe? </p><p>Evan’s not even nervous as he goes up to the lady, leaving his mom behind, asking her, “Hi, um, how do the necklaces work?” </p><p>“Hi there dear, for a custom necklace you can pick three small charms or one big and one small and a chain for seventy-five dollars, then I’ll combine them all right here,” she says, standing up from the kiosk chair she was in to come closer to Evan. </p><p>Evan knows seventy-five dollars is a lot to spend on a present, especially compared to Connor’s fairly reasonable forty, but he really thinks Zoe will love it. He thinks it’ll make her happy and he really wants her to be happy. And he knows she wouldn’t care about the price, that she wouldn’t like it because it was expensive, that she’d like it because it was so <em>her</em>. Evan knew the Murphy’s were rich, but he learned that neither Connor nor Zoe were snobby about it, which was really nice. </p><p>“Are you sure Evan? It’s a bit pricey,” Heidi says, catching up to Evan and hearing the vendor lady explain to Evan how the customization worked. </p><p>“I know, but I think she’ll really love it Mom and I’m okay using my money for it,” Evan says turning back to the display to look for two more charms. He’d worked really hard this summer, saying he’d been through a lot was probably an understatement, but he really can’t think of a better use of his money. Zoe was worth it. </p><p>“Okay, we’re going to do it. Could we start with the little music note charm?” Evan says, looking over to the lady, who was smiling gently at him. </p><p>“Sure, and can I ask who this special necklace is for?” she says, unlocking the display to get the music note charm that Evan had pointed out. </p><p>“Um, my best friend Zoe. Her birthday is tomorrow,” Evan tells her, shifting his weight around a little, positive that once again he was blushing. Why was it that he couldn’t stop blushing whenever anyone tried to talk to him about Zoe? </p><p>“I see, what a thoughtful friend you are. May I suggest adding a small colored stone as one of the charms? A lot of customers choose one and it looks very nice,” the lady offers, directing Evan’s attention to the variety of small colored rhinestones and semi-precious stones. </p><p>And Evan can’t believe it, but right in the middle is an indigo colored rhinestone, the perfect mix of blue and purple and he just knows. He doesn’t know what kind of gem it is or whatever, but he just knows that it’s perfect for Zoe. </p><p>“Um, that one there, it’s her favorite color,” Evan says, pointing out the color that he’d grown used to associating with Zoe. It was her color, and it was usually harder to find, so he’s positive she’s going to freak out when she sees it. </p><p>“Okay, that’s a beautiful choice, and now you have just one more for the three smalls,” she says, grabbing up the indigo stone and placing it with the music note off to the side. </p><p>She starts putting the small display away as Evan thinks about his final choice. And he really thinks a “Z” would be the best complement to the others. </p><p>“Um, do you have any “Z” charms?” Evan asks, looking around and not really seeing one that he liked or really any letter charms at all. He might really get the chance to get everything he wanted for Zoe, all wrapped up into one pretty necklace.</p><p>“Yes, we actually have quite a few to choose from. “Z” isn’t a common request,” she says going around the kiosk and grabbing a container from one of the underneath cabinets, showing him a selection that weren’t out for display. </p><p>Evan waves his mom over to look too and starts examining all the “Z” options. There’s a solid gold cursive one, a block style silver one, a “diamond” (Evan knew they weren’t real but they looked close) block style one, a gold plainer one, and one actual circular gold charm with an imprint of a type-writer font Z. </p><p>“I definitely like the gold ones, but Mom, what do you think?” Evan asks Heidi, hoping she could help him narrow down the options like she did with Connor’s book.</p><p>“I like that little circle one and the cursive one, but it’s really up to you Evan,” Heidi tells him, taking a small step away so that she wasn’t in his space. She didn’t want to be too intrusive, not when he was doing so well talking to the vendor and making decisions about Zoe’s gift. </p><p>“Um, I think she’ll like the charm one, with the little imprint. I think it’s more unique and she’ll really love it,” Evan decides, pointing out the one he wanted, feeling really excited about what it was going to look like when the lady put them all together. </p><p>“That’s an excellent choice dear. I’ll link these together and why don’t you pick out a chain,” she tells him, getting out her little tool kit to put all three charms onto one loop. </p><p>“I think just a simple one, does that one look nice?” Evan asks, pointing to the simplest, thin gold chain with a claw clasp. To him, it looks about the same length as all Zoe’s other necklaces, so he knows it won’t be too short or too long. It would lie perfectly between her collarbones and the thought of her has Evan blushing once more. </p><p>“I think it’s perfect Evan, I’m sure Zoe will love it,” Heidi says, grinning at Evan’s very noticeable blush, knowing that he could deny it as much as he wanted, but Zoe was definitely special to him. But she’s glad that he was getting a chance to feel like that. Flustered and proud all at once. </p><p>The lady grabs the chain Evan picked out and carefully places the now complete three-piece charm on it and places it delicately into a small purple gift box (another little touch that Evan was sure Zoe would love). And Evan even pays the lady himself, thanking her for her help. He’d never been able to pay a cashier before, but he was too excited to feel anxious about it. To feel anxious about anything really. Not when he had his friends to think about instead and how excited they were going to be too. </p><p>And he absolutely can’t wait for Friday. .</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>For reference I googled everything Evan picked out for Zoe and Connor to make sure they existed and indigo rhinestones are pretty cute. Next up we have the Murphy's birthday trip and Evan dealing with work, so hopefully there's a good mix of angst and fluff!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. August Slipped Away Like A Moment In Time Pt. II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zoe celebrates her 17th birthday and Evan officially quits his job.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!! So it's happened, I've officially gone off the rails. I was supposed to write the birthday trip like three chapters ago and I still haven't....but I swear it is coming next chapter. This chapter instead features a little date-like time between Evan and Zoe, some very evident mutual crushes, and Evan quitting his job. I wanted to show that Evan and Zoe really understand each other, except for the fact that they both like each other a lot. And normally I write BandTrees dating right away, but this it's actually going to be a bit a slow burn, and part of that will become evident soon. I also don't like loose ends so since Evan was concerned about going back to Ellison, I wanted to wrap that up and give precedence for him hanging out the rest of the summer with the Murphy's. </p>
<p>And I'm sorry if this story is going slow, I really am trying and I promise it won't be fluffy all the time and it won't be Evan/Zoe all the time. I have some good stuff planned for Connor, and Connor and Evan's friendship, I swear. And if you feel like giving it, I would love feedback about whose perspectives you like and how you feel about the story pacing! Or any thoughts in general! </p>
<p>Thank you to everyone who is enjoying this story and reading or leaving comments or kudos or subscribing/bookmarking. I know I say it every week, but I really am grateful for you lovely readers, so thank you so so so much. I hope you enjoy the chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan can’t contain his excitement for the rest of the night, he was practically bouncing as his mom left for work and therefore didn’t feel as sad as he normally would have when she leaves. He just couldn’t wait for Zoe and Connor to open their presents, even though it would mostly destroy the work he was putting into wrapping them. </p>
<p>They had stopped at Target before going home to get basic wrapping paper and gift bag stuff after Evan had told his mom that the weird old “Happy Birthday” paper in their closest from years ago simply wouldn’t do. Heidi actually did agree with him and tried to insist on him picking out a card for each of them too, but Evan had refused. There was probably nothing he hated more than writing in cards and he wasn’t going to do it. He could verbally tell Connor and Zoe how he felt about their birthdays, he didn’t need to write it. Heidi finally agreed, probably so they didn’t end their nice day with a fight about cards. And he was thankful for it, even though a fight with his mom still probably wouldn’t have ruined his night. He was that happy. </p>
<p>Evan knows he spends way too much time delicately wrapping Connor’s sketchbook in matte black wrapping paper, adding matching black curling ribbon around it, trying his best to perfectly curl each strand, adding more and more until a large pile of black ribbons covered the top left corner. It was probably more difficult because his cast kept getting in the way, but Evan had all the time in the world to get it right, so he took it. He wasn’t sure if Connor liked fancily wrapped things, but he thinks Connor would appreciate the effort, clear evidence that Evan had thought about him and a gift just for him. Evan knows he would. </p>
<p>Zoe’s necklace was already in the tiny purple box, but Evan didn’t think that was good enough, that Zoe should have something to “unwrap” too. Except he hated all the other wrapping paper at Target because he knew none of it was right for Zoe. But he’d found a small bag that was a deep purple (not indigo, but close) with shiny gold and silver accents that he thought she’d like, and Heidi found some gold tissue paper that had been tossed into a pile on the end cap, just as Evan was about to give up. He took extra time with hers too, fluffing out the tissue and trying to make it look as pretty as possible. Like with Connor, he just really wanted Zoe to know that he’d put a lot of thought into her present, even down to the wrapping. That he cared. </p>
<p>And as much as he was excited for Friday, to watch Zoe and Connor open their gifts before they all headed to the boardwalk for the day, he was also excited for tomorrow. Because tomorrow was actually Zoe’s seventeenth birthday and she’d already invited him over for the day (like she’d done every day for the last week). </p>
<p>After extensive googling, he’d decided that he was going to get Zoe a cupcake tomorrow, that it wasn’t weird. He’d thought about getting her flowers too but decided that <em>would</em> be weird. That paired with the fact he bought her a necklace it might seem like he was coming on to her and he didn’t want to pressure her or freak her out. Plus, a cupcake was something he could give to Connor on Saturday, his real birthday too (if it all went well). But that meant he had to brave the grocery store all by himself before Zoe came to pick him up. And he was pretty sure he could do it. </p>
<p>He’d done it today so he could do it tomorrow too. He bought something and talked to the necklace lady without freaking out. All he had to do tomorrow was focus on how happy and surprised Zoe was going to be and nothing else. And the grocery store close to his house had self-checkout, so as long as none of the employees asked him anything and the machine didn’t malfunction, he probably wouldn’t even have to talk to anyone. And he was planning on going early, hoping that it meant not a lot of people would be there yet. He thought it was pretty good plan. </p>
<p>He’d even thought about the cake and icing flavors, making a list on his phone in the order he thought she’d like, just in case they didn’t have his top choice then he’d have a backup plan already set. He knew her favorite cake flavor was vanilla and that she liked cream cheese frosting, and he hoped they had that so he wouldn’t have to use his list. And he thought it would be really cute if it was decorated like a flower because then it’d be like flowers except not weird. But he’d settle for rainbow sprinkles if he had to. He just wanted Zoe’s birthday to be perfect. </p>
<p>And even if going to the store went terribly and he didn’t think he could do it again by himself on Saturday for Connor, maybe Zoe would be able to go with him the second time. Because as much as he liked Zoe (disregarding his massive crush) he also genuinely liked Connor and wanted his birthday to be as close to perfect as it could be too. He figured Connor probably had his fair share of disappointing birthdays like him and Evan wanted this year to be different, for both of them. And he didn’t want to do one thing for Zoe that he couldn’t do for Connor, something that would make Connor feel less important, because he was important to him, just in a different way than Zoe was. And that was okay. </p>
<p>And then maybe if Zoe helped him get Connor a cupcake, she’d be able to help him tell his bosses that he couldn’t come back to work. Or maybe Connor could. He wasn’t sure about anything except that he probably wouldn’t be able to do it alone and that he needed to do it soon. They’d probably be expecting him back any day now, but he just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t go back for longer than it took for him to quit.  </p>
<p>And he knew his mom wasn’t going to help. He’d told her this morning when he’d been full of nervous energy about the doctor and she seemed oddly both disappointed and okay with his decision. He knew that she liked his job forced him out of the house most days, but he also thinks she was just a tiny bit proud of him for making a decision and sticking with it, even if it wasn’t the one she wanted for him. And it’s not like Heidi was going to do it for him, if it was his decision then he’d have to be the one to face his bosses, so she probably thought that was a win for his “social development”. Evan didn’t think so because he’d probably start having a panic attack in the middle of it (honestly being back at Ellison might be enough to trigger one too). But asking Zoe or Connor to come might actually be a win. </p>
<p>It would be hard asking either of them for help, something he wasn’t used to asking for or getting, but he knows he has to. And he has a feeling they’ll say yes. Because they were friends and friends helped each other. </p>
<p>And friends celebrated birthdays together. And bought each other cupcakes and presents. And had fun together. </p>
<p>And even if his job was looming over him, it didn’t take away from the fact that he was excited about everything coming up in the next couple days. He wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of that, let anything ruin everything he had planned with his <em>friends</em>. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>==</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Zoe was sitting in her closet rifling through all her clothes trying to find the perfect outfit for her first day of being seventeen. Well, at least that’s what she keeps telling herself. Her attention towards little things like her outfit and hair and accessories and little additions to her basic make-up routine were because today was her birthday and not because she was going to pick up Evan after not seeing him all of yesterday. </p>
<p>But she can’t really deny the fact she’d spent more time thinking about these things since Evan started coming over all the time. And it’s not that she thought Evan wouldn’t like her because she was wearing something or not, she could probably be wearing a potato sack and Evan would probably like her all the same. She just liked feeling cute and it wasn’t like she completely changed anything about herself for a boy, she would never even consider doing that. But what was the harm in adding a little mascara because she thought it made her eyes look pretty? Maybe Evan thought they looked pretty that way too. </p>
<p>Zoe huffs in frustration both at the lack of her finding an outfit and for letting her mind drift towards being more than friends with Evan. Right now, that’s all they were, and she really was fine with that. Being friends was going well. Like really well. And it makes her feel good that she’d been right when she’d told him she had a feeling it was going to happen that way. </p>
<p>Even if they never were <em>more</em>, Evan was truly an incredible friend. And she’d had good friends before, but none really compared to Evan. He was thoughtful and considerate towards her feelings. He really listened when she spoke. He asked about things no one had ever thought to ask her before. He was funny and sweet and sometimes sarcastic (but only when he fully let his guard down and he usually apologized after, which she found completely endearing). And she just really liked being around him. He made her feel like she could be completely herself when he was around, not the version of her that everyone wanted her to be. That was more than she could ever ask for. </p>
<p>If keeping all that meant they were never anything more than best friends, that was okay by her.  </p>
<p>Not to mention that Evan being her friend was helping mend her relationship with her brother too. It was so much easier to hang out with Connor when it was all three of them. She felt like her and Connor were actually bonding and having a good time because Evan was there, and was friends with both of them. </p>
<p>And she liked that. She liked getting the chance to get to know her brother and the chance at being friends with him again. They’d been so close when they were little. They weren’t even a full year apart and had spent so much of their childhood akin to twins, constantly by each other’s sides. They always had each other, and their relationship was something Zoe had been betting on having forever. </p>
<p>She never would have guessed that he would give up on her, on them, in order to be high all the time. That they would let their relationship crumble until there was nothing left, at least on Connor’s part. </p>
<p>Even on their darkest day, the one that had forced Connor into getting sober, she’d been trying to help him. And while some of the song she sang for Evan had been rearranged to make sense lyrically, it didn’t change how she felt and still feels about her brother. She wanted him to stay clean, so that she’d never have to go through what they went through again. </p>
<p>Especially coming home and finding out her parents had shipped Connor off to rehab without telling her. “Gone was every trace of you”, had been Zoe’s reality, her parents would barely even speak about Connor while he was gone, even though she was constantly asking. They wouldn’t even tell her when he was coming home, just kept saying “when he’s ready” and left it at that. </p>
<p>So she never got the chance to talk to him and explain that what happened wasn’t his fault, that it was an accident. And she’s still not sure if he knew that. Because when he finally came home, she’d been too nervous to talk about it, so she opted to pretend like nothing happened and just start over. Connor wasn’t rushing to her to talk about it, so she wasn’t going to do that to him either. She tried being as nice as she could be, and she knew Connor had been trying to do the same. And it was better than it was, so she didn’t push any further than that even though she wanted to. </p>
<p>But that was before Evan.  </p>
<p>And now that they both had Evan, they were actually spending time together. And Zoe would be lying if she said she didn’t have fun driving back to their house when they drove Evan home every night. Connor let her pick the music (a compromise since she never got to drive) and he’d deliberately butcher high notes and change lyrics to something funnier and do all sorts of things to make her laugh. It was good and Zoe wanted it to stay that way.</p>
<p>Zoe finally decides on her outfit, a floral print sundress and denim jacket. But she tries to add some more of <em>her</em> by pairing it with short boots and quirky socks that stuck out of the top of her boots. She had a feeling that that once she got home with Evan and took her shoes off, that he’d really like her socks (one of them had trees on it) and that makes her smile. And just maybe he would like that the neckline of her dress was just a little lower than normal too, if he were looking that is. And she secretly hopes he is. </p>
<p>She really needed to just stop thinking about trying to flirt with Evan. But it wasn’t her fault that her new best friend was incredibly cute, and she was starting to have a serious crush on him. That every time she wasn’t actively thinking about something else her mind drifted to him. That the more Evan showed himself to her, the more she found to like. </p>
<p>But she really did need to stop because she couldn’t mess up the good thing they had going right now. She couldn’t mess up being one of Evan’s first friends. She wasn’t going to do that to him. Unless she knew for sure that’s what he wanted too, that he liked her the same way that she liked him. And right now, she honestly couldn’t tell. </p>
<p>Like she knew that he obviously liked her enough to keep hanging out with her, but that could be where his affections stopped. That he only liked her like a best friend. But then again, he didn’t really seem to mind whenever she held his hand. But then again, again, hand holding wasn’t necessarily romantic, it could be totally platonic. Platonic hand holding, which was obviously her intentions to begin with, which meant she could keep doing it, right? Yeah, she would keep doing it unless Evan asked her stopped because she liked it. She liked holding his hand and having him close and she was mostly sure he felt the same way.</p>
<p>God she was a mess. She really needed to get herself under control before she got Evan or else she’d might just do something like kiss his cheek because she was too excited to see him, and she was positive that kissing him would probably really freak him out. And she did not want that. She wanted Evan to trust her and feel safe around her, how she felt around him. And unexplained kisses was not going to help with that. </p>
<p>Zoe double checks her outfit in her mirror, deeming it both birthday and Evan worthy before quietly leaving her room. She walks by Connor’s wide-open door and sees he’s still sleeping even though it was past nine in the morning. Typical Connor though. She considers waking him up, but then doesn’t, figuring he would probably know that she left to pick up Evan since he already knew Evan was coming over today. </p>
<p>She also sneaks down the stairs and out the front door, carefully avoiding her parents, who she could hear from the kitchen, for now. She wasn’t ready to deal with her mom’s fanfare over her birthday or any of her dad’s talks about how getting older meant she had more responsibility now or whatever “life advice” he liked to give them on their birthdays. She’d listen to it all later because right now she was too excited to see Evan.</p>
<p>He’d told her yesterday when they’d been texting that he had one thing to do in the morning (he’d been fairly secretive about it, which made her more excited) but then she could come get him around ten. She was a bit early since it was barely nine thirty, but she didn’t really care. If he wasn’t ready, she’d wait for him. But it’d been two days since she’d seen him, and she missed him. And she was mostly sure that Evan wouldn’t mind her coming early, he’d probably be worried if she showed up late, but early wasn’t a big issue. </p>
<p>And Zoe’s not too surprised when she pulls up in front of Evan’s house and he’s already waiting for her on his porch because Evan was almost always early to everything (or exactly on time). She can see he was holding a little box and pacing nervously, something she noticed he did a lot. But this time she thinks he’s probably nervous because she can only assume whatever is in the box is for her and he was worried about if she’d like whatever he’d gotten. But she’d like anything Evan gave her though, even if her only reasoning was because he gave it to her. So he really didn’t need to be nervous about that. But telling Evan not to be nervous wasn’t helpful, all she could do was <em>show</em> him that she loved it, so if there was a next time, he’d be just a little more confident about it. </p>
<p>Zoe waves at him as soon as he realizes it’s her in the car and Evan gives her an awkward wave with his casted arm and jogs over to her car, getting in with minimal difficulty given that he was using his broken arm. </p>
<p>Zoe senses instantly once Evan’s in her car that he’s unsure what to do next with his box, because he hasn’t said anything and he just keeps glancing between it and her, fidgeting now that he couldn’t pace. </p>
<p>Evan finally just pushes the box into her hands very adorably and tells her, “Happy birthday Zoe, I um, got you this.” </p>
<p>Zoe smiles even wider at him as she opens the box, revealing a vanilla cupcake with frosting that looked like a sunflower. She figures going to the store this morning must have been his secretive errand and Zoe thinks it’s incredibly sweet for him to go out of his way to do this for her. </p>
<p>“Awww, Evan thank you. I love it, but you didn’t have to get me anything,” Zoe says, carefully putting the lid back on so the frosting flower wouldn’t get smushed. And she does think that he didn’t have to get her anything. She knew it was probably hard for him to go to the store by himself and she didn’t want him to feel like he <em>had</em> to do something for her. </p>
<p>“No, I know, but um, I was planning on giving you your real present when we go to the beach, but today’s your actual birthday so I just thought it’d be nice. This wasn’t weird was it?” Evan asks anxiously, obviously thinking that he’d done something wrong by doing something nice for her. And that wasn’t the case at all. </p>
<p>“No, it’s not weird at all. It’s really sweet and I appreciate it, so thank you Evan. Is this what you were doing this morning?” Zoe says, making sure to catch his gaze so he knew that she was telling the truth. Maybe Evan would realize that when she said sweet, she meant that her heart started fluttering and her tummy felt all warm and tingly. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I went to the store, and um, I was a little freaked out, but it was okay,” Evan starts, pausing and blushing lightly before smiling softly at her, adding, “I’m glad you like it.” </p>
<p>“That’s great and how did you know that I like vanilla cake?” Zoe asks him, thinking it was probably a coincidence that Evan happened to pick out her favorite, that he’d say something like “just chance” or “I liked the flower on this one”. </p>
<p>“You mentioned it one time and I remembered. I try to remember everything you say, but not like in a weird way or anything, just like in a totally normal way, I swear. And I’m sorry it’s not cream cheese frosting. The only cake that had it was carrot, which I almost got except I saw it had raisins and I know you hate raisins. So I hope just vanilla frosting is okay,” Evan rambles on, trying to cover up that he admitted to remembering very small details about her. But Zoe wasn’t sure why he thought he needed to cover that up. The thought that he remembered was almost better than the fact he got her something. </p>
<p>And she’s positive she was the one blushing right now because all she can think about is leaning over and kissing him right now. Not only does Evan listen to her, but he also remembers things about her, things she was sure no one else knew. Evan had a way of making her feel special and seen, two things she rarely felt.  </p>
<p>“Vanilla frosting is perfect. And remembering stuff’s not weird, I promise Evan. It makes me feel special,” Zoe says, deciding that even though she wasn’t going to kiss him, she could at least tell him the truth about how she felt. </p>
<p>But then she decides that this moment actually deserved a hug, a close second to a kiss, so she sets her cupcake on the dashboard and leans over the console to hug him, letting her cheek press softly against his. Her hug took Evan by surprise based on the way he tensed just a little before relaxing into her hold and pulling her in just a little tighter. And this might be Zoe’s new favorite place, in Evan’s arms. </p>
<p>Zoe pulls away first because she doesn’t want to make Evan worried about it or overthink their sweet moment in any way, but when she glances back to him when she’s back in her seat she sees he’s blushing and has an adorable dopey smile on his face. And she’s sure she looks the exact same way.  </p>
<p>And selfishly, she doesn’t want to go home right away, she wants to extend her time with Evan alone, admitting to herself that she didn’t want to share him, for at least a little longer, so she turns to him again and asks, “Hey, so I don’t want to go home quite yet, do you care if we go get a coffee or something?” </p>
<p>“No, it’s your birthday Zoe, I’m pretty sure that means that you get to decide what we do,” Evan tells her, his smile from before never fading. </p>
<p>“Maybe, but I like to know what you think too, birthday or not,” Zoe tells him truthfully. She always kind of thought that similar to her, there were a lot of things in Evan’s life that he didn’t get a say in. And if she could change that when they were together, then she would. </p>
<p>“Um, thanks Zoe, that’s um, just thank you for saying that,” Evan says and it makes her just a little bit sad that Evan was so appreciative of her just asking for his opinion before doing something, that once again, it probably wasn’t something he had people do often, especially not people his same age. </p>
<p>“Of course,” Zoe says softly, smiling at him again and pulling out of the driveway, heading in the direction of her favorite coffee shop. Zoe turns up the stereo a little, letting the music she’d carefully curated fill more than just the background, singing along with the lyrics. She can see Evan in her peripheral vision, smiling and watching her, gently tapping his foot along with the rhythm and she just can’t get over how cute he was. Why had it taken her stumbling across him in the forest to start talking to him? She should have done it the first time she’d seen in the halls at school, should have never let herself get distracted. But at least she had him now.</p>
<p>It doesn’t take long for them to get to the coffee shop and when they get out to go inside, Zoe playfully loops her arm with Evan’s, thinking that it was close to holding hands but maybe a little more friendly. And Evan doesn’t seem to mind either.</p>
<p>She even feels him relax again as soon as her arm is around his. And she wasn’t going to ask him, but she had a feeling that even though he was trying to hide it, he was probably feeling anxious about being at a coffee shop, especially if he’d already gone somewhere crowded this morning alone, just for her. </p>
<p>And now she wants to do something for him, and she thinks he’d be okay with her ordering for him so before they open the door, she asks, “Ev, do you want a drink? I can order for both of us.”</p>
<p>“Um, no, I’m okay. I wouldn’t even know what to get anyways,” Evan tells her looking at his feet instead of her for the first time since he got in her car this morning. </p>
<p>“I could pick something out for you, and I guarantee you’ll like it. Or we could share, and you could have some of mine. Or I could just get you hot chocolate or a tea. They have like really good floral teas here,” Zoe says listing off a bunch of different options, thinking she was being inclusive and helpful to him. </p>
<p>But when she pauses her list and actually looks up at Evan, she realizes she’s given him way too many options because he was getting flustered and starts trying to unloop their arms by flailing his arm bit. And she never considered that this could be overwhelming for him, that he’d be worried about making a wrong decision or not know what to answer.</p>
<p>She reacts without even thinking about it or questioning it at all and grabs his hand, intertwining them and squeezing gently. He doesn’t keep trying to pull away, which Zoe thinks is a good sign, so she tells him, “Hey Evan, I’m sorry that was a lot. If you don’t want anything that’s fine and I shouldn’t have pressed further. I’ll get my usual and I’m more than happy to share if you want to try it, okay?” </p>
<p>Evan just nods his head and takes a couple shallow shaky breaths but then squeezes her hand faintly, letting her know he was okay. Zoe doesn’t let go of his hand as they walk into the store and get in line. She even starts moving her thumb back and forth gently, hoping that it was comforting to him, hoping that he didn’t think she was mad or upset with him. </p>
<p>She hates that she didn’t think before she started talking, that she just didn’t take the answer he gave her and move on. She never wanted to put Evan in a place where he felt more anxious with her or because of something she did than he did without her. She wanted to be the person who comforted him, who he could come to when he felt anxious and just know that she wouldn’t judge him or disregard him completely. </p>
<p>And she knows she’ll never know exactly how he feels because she didn’t have an anxiety disorder, but she’d dealt with pretty bad anxiety back when Connor was doing drugs and it still creeps up on her sometimes, paralyzing her. So she can relate a little bit and if Evan felt anything like she did during that, then she would do whatever it took to make him feel better.  </p>
<p>When they get to the front of the line, Evan seems to be doing slightly better, so she orders an iced latte with soy milk, deciding to add vanilla to it, to make it sweeter, just in case Evan did want to try it. </p>
<p>Zoe feels Evan squeeze her hand again and she notices the barista staring at him, assuming he was going to order something too. She turns her attention back to the barista and simply says, “No, that’s going to be all”, squeezing Evan’s hand back. </p>
<p>Evan looks at the ground the whole time they’re waiting for Zoe’s drink and Zoe hates it. She liked when Evan was laughing and smiling with her and maybe if she hadn’t been selfish and made them stay out, they’d be sitting in her room doing just that. But she can’t change anything now, so she just keeps rubbing her thumb back and forth, hoping that it was making him feel even just the tiniest bit better. </p>
<p>Luckily for them, her drink comes quickly, and Zoe grabs it and leads Evan back outside, to a table where no one else was. Evan sits down, and normally Zoe would sit across from him, but she doesn’t really want to let go of his hand, so she sits down right next to him. </p>
<p>They don’t start talking right away, but the silence isn’t uncomfortable, it almost feels calming in a way. After a few minutes and a few sips of her drink, Zoe offers it to Evan, smiling and squeezing his hand once more before loosening her grip so he could take the drink if he wanted to. </p>
<p>Much to Zoe’s surprise Evan tightens his grip on her hand and awkwardly takes her drink with his broken arm, struggling just a little, but manages to get it without her help. Evan hesitantly takes a sip and smiles a real smile her while passing it back. </p>
<p>“That’s really good Zoe. I don’t think I’ve ever had soy milk before,” Evan tells her shyly, clearly feeling better. And Zoe’s glad. She knew he’d like it. </p>
<p>“Yeah it’s probably the only good thing that came from my mom’s vegan kick last year,” Zoe laughs, remembering the terrible things her mom tried to cook even though they could have just eaten like more vegetables and grains. But at least she found a milk she actually liked. </p>
<p>“Hey Zo, I’m sorry I got all freaked out, I just,” Evan starts apologizing, and Zoe can’t let him think he did anything wrong, so she interrupts him, saying, “Evan you don’t need to be sorry. It’s okay, I promise. I shouldn’t have tried to make things more complicated with ordering anything. Especially not when you already gave me an answer. But I’m really happy you’re here with me.”</p>
<p>“I’m really happy I’m here with you too. And I um, I don’t want to ruin your birthday or anything, but um, could I ask you a favor?” Evan says, shaking his leg nervously, probably because he couldn’t pick at his cast while he was still holding her hand. </p>
<p>“I don’t think you could ever ruin anything Ev, but yeah you can ask me anything,” Zoe tells him playfully passing her drink back to him to take another sip of, if he wanted to. </p>
<p>“Um, well part of the reason I was a little more on edge today was ‘cause my bosses from the park called and left a voicemail saying I should come back to work on Friday and I have to tell them I can’t come back before that. Could you come with me to Ellison to do it? I don’t think I could go alone,” Evan tells her, looking away from her like he was unsure how she’d react to his request for help. But it makes Zoe smile that he takes her latte again, taking a real drink this time.</p>
<p>“Yeah of course I’ll go with you. Anytime you need anything like that I’ll always help,” Zoe tells him, looking him in the eye as he dared to glance back towards her. And Zoe really wants to hug him again, but she refrains, choosing instead to just squeeze his hand again. She had a feeling going to the park would be rough and Evan would probably need some serious hugs tomorrow instead. </p>
<p>“And I’m going to try my best to do all the talking and stuff, but I don’t know, I just thought it’d be easier with you there,” Evan says almost a little frantically, like he needed to reassure her that he wasn’t asking her to quit for him. But she knew that. And she knew he wasn’t helpless, that she didn’t need to do things <em>for</em> him, just that he wanted some help in the form of her presence. </p>
<p>“Well I hope I can make it easier, I like to think I’m pretty good moral support,” Zoe says with a little bit of a lighter tone, hoping that Evan knew she wasn’t being arrogant or anything, that she was just trying to take a little pressure off the both of them. </p>
<p>“Thank you, Zoe, seriously. And that can be the last thing about me today, the rest of the day is all about you and how awesome it is that you’re seventeen,” Evan says grinning at her, very obviously in a much better mood now that he’d told her about his work situation (and probably because it was still just them outside). </p>
<p>Zoe can feel herself blushing and steals her drink back, hoping it would distract from her blush. Evan didn’t even say anything that blush-inducing, but she was charmed by his dorkiness and his constant desire to put her first as their friendship grew. And she’s not really sure how it happened so fast, but she thinks she might be positively smitten with Evan Hansen.</p>
<p>They continue to share her drink, passing it back and forth between them as they chat about much more fun things than Evan’s job or anxiety. When the latte is gone, they don’t really have a reason to stay, and Zoe knows her mom would probably be waiting for her at home, annoyed that she left this morning without saying anything, so they eventually head back to Zoe’s house. And that’s finally when Evan lets go of her hand. </p>
<p>Zoe’s in a great mood for the whole rest of the day, really happy that her and Evan got to have this morning together. It keeps her from rolling her eyes at her parent’s disapproval, knowing that it was worth it to spend the time with Evan. And besides the slight scolding she got, the rest of her birthday passes smoothly, with her, Evan, and Connor hanging out the whole day like normal. Evan stays for dinner (a make your own pizza bar by her request) and cake afterwards (vanilla and cream cheese with purple edible glitter). Zoe opens her presents from her parents too, all of which are nice and various things she asked for, but somehow didn’t feel as exciting as the cupcake Evan had given her this morning. Except for the set of personalized guitar picks that Connor admitted to directing her parents towards. Those she really, truly loved. </p>
<p>And they end the night with Connor and her taking Evan home like normal, singing obnoxiously the whole time until Zoe cries from laughing so hard. Her birthday had been everything she had wanted and so much more. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>==</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Evan is incredibly nervous about going to Ellison today, more nervous than he’s ever been about anything. But he’s also trying harder than he ever has to keep it together, to not let the darkness that constantly shrouded his mind to seep in too deep. It helps when he lets himself actively think of Zoe and the fact that she was coming with him, that she was going to help him. </p>
<p>And it was hard to think about all the terrible ways today could go wrong when he remembers that him and Zoe were holding hands all morning yesterday. Even if thinking about holding her hand made him think about his own sweaty hands and if she held his hand today it would probably be sweatier than yesterday and that would surely gross her out. But sweaty hands were a small worry compared to telling two people he was never coming back, so that was a win in his books.</p>
<p>It’s an extra comfort when he remembers that she never let go yesterday even if his hands were sweaty and that calms him down quite a bit. And she also didn’t let go when her parents took him to the hospital, when he was definitely dirty and sweaty. So she probably wouldn’t let go today, which was good. Because he definitely needed her. </p>
<p>And it was easy to let himself think that maybe Zoe liked to hold his hand, that maybe it meant something more, let himself slip into this fantasy where they started dating and lived happily ever after. But he usually talked himself out of that one because that wasn’t a real possibility. He thinks it was more likely that Zoe liked to comfort those who needed it and Evan just happened to need it a lot. And he felt comforted by her holding his hand, touching him and tethering him to reality, so that’s what she did.  </p>
<p>However, Zoe comforting him often was not helping with his plan to stop crushing on her so badly, even if he was trying hard to stop, to just be grateful she was his friend. But she was always so sweet and so empathetic, and she never did anything because she was pitying him. And he wasn’t exactly sure what it felt like to love someone, but he thinks he might be getting dangerously close to that feeling with Zoe. But for some reason, he wasn’t scared of the feeling, it helped ease his anxiety. </p>
<p>Because this indescribable thing he was feeling, didn’t feel rooted in a romance or anything like that, it felt deeper than that. Zoe Murphy was filling in all the little holes in life whether she knew it or not. And a romantic relationship with her wasn’t ever far from his mind (he liked to daydream), but if that never happened, he knows he would feel still happy with this other love that was forming between them, at least on his part. </p>
<p>It’s this feeling that makes him believe that today will be okay. Not good. Not easy. Not something he’ll ever want to do anything. But just okay. Even if he was nervous about it. Because Zoe was going to be right by his side, and she would help him even if he somehow messed it all up. But he’d been practicing all morning and all he had to say was, “I’m really sorry, but I can’t come back for the rest of the summer. And hopefully that would be the end of it.    </p>
<p>And hopefully when he got there Paige and Steve remembered who he was. He was honestly worried that he’d get there, and they’d say, “Who are you? We’ve never seen you before and you don’t work here.” That since the end of May they’d paid so little attention to him that it was like he hadn’t even been there. That he’d been invisible to the people who he’d spent the majority of the summer working with. But that probably wouldn’t happen, right? They had to at least vaguely know who he was, and at least his cast would prove he’d been the kid who fell.</p>
<p>If anything came from today, he at least got to spend more time with Zoe and he was always excited for that. And Connor. Evan had mentioned going to Ellison yesterday to quit and Connor had offered to go too, except he had therapy in the morning when Evan had planned to go. So him and Zoe were going to meet up with him after Evan had finished at Ellison and Connor was done at therapy. They’d both probably need something to take their mind off the morning. </p>
<p>Zoe picks him up much like she did yesterday, and Evan just instantly feels better with her in the vicinity and surprisingly, their drive to Ellison is quite pleasant. Zoe was singing again to the music playing and she looked so happy, that he can’t help but bounce along with her. It was keeping him calm and Evan had a feeling that Zoe knew that. </p>
<p>But when Zoe pulls into the parking lot and the music turns off, Evan is brought back to the reality of what he was about to do. And everything he’d told himself this morning disappears from his brain and he tenses up so much that he can barely move in his seat. </p>
<p>Evan can feel Zoe setting her hand very gently on his shoulder (she seemed hesitant only because the shoulder closest to her was the one he dislocated), and he turns to face her, leaning in to her touch more, but not able to say anything yet. </p>
<p>“It’ll be okay Evan. It’s a good thing you’re doing for yourself. How you feel is important and if you feel like being back here would be too much for the rest of the summer, then it is. That’s all there is to it. You don’t need to be reminded of your accident every day,” Zoe says softly, moving her hand slowly down his arm. And he really wants to tell her exactly how horrible it is being back here, remembering how he felt that day, how insignificant and lonely he felt. But he doesn’t say anything at all, just nods and takes a few deep breaths. </p>
<p>Evan gives himself a minute to breathe with Zoe before nodding at her again, signaling that they could get out of the car. And the minute they’re out, Zoe switches to his right side and loosely takes his hand but doesn’t intertwine their fingers. And Evan’s okay with that, he needed to do this on his own, but the light weight of her hand is a nice reminder that she was here for him and he was doing the right thing. </p>
<p>And he was doing that, he was doing the right thing. He’d promised himself he’d do whatever it took to not feel so sad and so lonely anymore, and that meant not being constantly reminded that he’d purposely let go of the that tree branch. That he let go hoping he wouldn’t wake up. That he’d really tried to kill himself. </p>
<p>Maybe one day he’d be able to face Ellison again and face his inner most turmoil, but not right now, not today. </p>
<p>When they reach the office, Evan drops Zoe’s hand and he really hopes she’s not upset or offended. He liked that she was there, but he didn’t want his bosses to see him with a girl and think that he didn’t want to come back because he had a <em>girlfriend</em> or something equally as preposterous. But he thinks she knows because she leans into his arm with her own, staying close to him but not in an overpowering way and nods at him like she understood. And he’s never been more grateful for her than in this moment. That she just understood him without him having to fumble through an explanation for his actions. Zoe just <em>knew him</em>.</p>
<p>Evan spots Steve and Paige, luckily both at their side-by-side desks, and starts in their direction, but they notice him and get up before he has time to make it to their desks. </p>
<p>They look so cheery and Evan hates that he’s going to tell them bad news. What if they got mad and started yelling at him? What if a huge fight broke out and he couldn’t stand up for himself and he ended up agreeing to keep working? No. Evan couldn’t think about those outcomes because he’d never be able to do it if he did. And he could do this. </p>
<p>“Evan! I hope you’re feeling a lot better. We’re looking forward to having you back. Lots of tours and end-of-summer activities that need supervision by junior rangers,” Steve says, looking mostly at Evan with enthusiasm, but glancing over to Zoe with barely veiled confusion. He was probably wondering why some girl was standing so close to Evan, who really had no business being in the park office. </p>
<p>Evan takes a shaky breath and starts the lines he’d practiced this morning, saying, “I, um, well, I’m actually here to t-tell you that, um, well, that I can’t finish the r-rest of the summer. I need, um I need to resign. I c-can’t come back.” </p>
<p>Evan starts to get worried as he sees the look of shock on their faces and he hopes they weren’t confused as to what he meant because he was pretty sure he started stuttering a little and spoke with way too many ums and maybe he didn’t make sense. It was like he blacked out and couldn’t even remember what he spoke not even a minute ago. </p>
<p>But he feels Zoe press into him more and it makes him feel better. It was like a sign that what he said made sense and that she at least thought he was saying the right thing.</p>
<p>“Oh, well we weren’t expecting that. You’ve been such a valued member of the team this summer, we were looking forward to having you back,” Paige tells him, and she sounded genuine, but Evan was having a hard time believing it. If he’d been such a valued member, how come no one talked to him or ever interacted with him? How come his name was always last on the list for tasks, like he’d been an afterthought? But letting his mind drift towards other reasons he didn’t want to be there would make him start crying and he didn’t want to do that. At least not in front of Paige and Steve. </p>
<p>“Th-thank you, but I can’t,” Evan says firmly even with his slight stammer making him sound unsure. He wasn’t. </p>
<p>“Now are you sure? If you’re worried about your arm, there’s plenty of things you can do with just one, especially with the campers,” Steve adds, sounding just as sincere as Paige did. But it’s making Evan slightly angry. Why were they trying to pressure him into staying? And with the worst job imaginable? He said he couldn’t and that was true, emotionally he could not be here. But now, he also didn’t want to be here, and he was going to stand his ground. </p>
<p>“Yes, I’m sure. I can’t come back,” Evan says firmly, proud of himself for not stuttering this time. He needed to stay steadfast with his answer of “No, I can’t” no matter how many times they asked. It was like Zoe said, he didn’t want to and that’s all there is too it. He didn’t need to feel bad about choosing himself, about saying no. </p>
<p>“Okay, well, you’ll be missed,” Paige starts, and Evan doubted that entirely. He could almost guarantee that no had even noticed he’d been gone for a week. No one talked to him at work, not a single person since the day he started. No one was going to miss him.</p>
<p>“We hope you’ll consider applying for the program again next summer too,” Steve adds, and Evan knows he wasn’t going to. He probably wasn’t ever going to come back, let alone to repeat his same summer of desolation. </p>
<p>“Maybe. Thank you. Have a nice day,” Evan says unemotionally, a polite way of saying he was leaving now and they shouldn’t keep talking to him. And to reinforce that point, Evan turns quickly and walks right out of the building, Zoe at his side the whole time. </p>
<p>Evan hadn’t even realized he’d been shaking until he feels himself vibrating against Zoe as she enveloped him in a tight hug once they were outside again. And he hugs her back, tighter than he ever has before. And he can’t really figure out how he felt, but Zoe’s hold on him was making him feel better, nonetheless. </p>
<p>Zoe pulls away slightly, just to look up and tell him, “You did great Evan. It’s hard to say no and do something for yourself, but you did it. I’m so proud of you.” </p>
<p>Evan pulls her back and nods his head against hers, letting her know that he heard her and agreed with what she said. But he keeps hugging her until he didn’t feel so shaky, feels ready to walk back to the car. But first he takes her hand, looks Zoe in the eyes, and says, “Thank you so much for being here with me Zoe. I did it and I don’t think I could have without you there.” </p>
<p>“Of course Evan, I’ll always be there for you. No matter what,” Zoe tells him softly, squeezing his hand before smiling widely and adding, “But now, let’s go meet Connor because I’m pretty sure we have last minute birthday trip planning to do, like buying snacks.” </p>
<p>Evan just smiles at her; glad she was supportive and not dwelling on what he’d just done. That she was helping him move forward, in more ways than one. A week ago, he had no one and tomorrow he was going on a road trip with his two best friends. And as they walk away Evan can’t help but feel like an entire weight had been lifted off him and he never wants to feel that crushing sensation ever again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I think Zoe and Evan are pretty cute and they will stay that way. Also does anyone have any guesses as to what happened between Connor and Zoe?? I'd love to hear them, because that will be revealed soon too (hopefully, as I really shouldn't make content promises at this point lol) But I promise their birthday trip really is next!!! </p>
<p>And P.S. I've been brainstorming a new story for when this one is over, so it won't be out for a while, but I think it's going to be good and I haven't seen one like it on AO3 yet so.....exciting stuff is happening!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. My House of Stone, Your Ivy Grows And Now I'm Covered In You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan gives Zoe and Connor their presents and they go to the boardwalk.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi Everyone! Oh boy is this chapter hefty. And it's mostly from Connor's perspective which was honestly really cool. I mostly write from Evan's and then dabble into Zoe's, but I wanted to expand for this fic, so here we are. Also I kind of liked seeing Connor react and watch Evan's anxiety, and show even more how similar the two boys are. So I hope you really like it! </p>
<p>And I fully expected this story to move faster, but here we are, 8 chapters in and we're not even in school yet, so we're in for a bit of a time :) And if that's not exciting enough, I think the new story I'm outlining right now is going to be good and unlike any of the others, and by that I mean heartbreaking. But it's understandable as it's influenced by evermore as much as I Should Tell Her was influenced by folklore, so yeah... </p>
<p>Thank you so much to everyone reading and following along each week and to any new readers who might have just found this story! I appreciate you all so much and all the support for this story! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan’s glad that he was planning on meeting Zoe and Connor early at their house for their trip because it meant he could get a ride from his mom before she had to go to work. And he knew either Connor or Zoe would be fine picking him up, but they were going to be driving a lot today and he just didn’t want to add to that. He also didn’t want to be the one they always had to come get, because deep down he knew that even if they were fine with it now, it’d get old quickly. And it’s almost enough for Evan to consider getting his license. It wouldn’t solve the problem of what car would he drive, but at least he’d have the option. He could probably face driving in order to keep Connor and Zoe as his friends. He thinks he’d do a lot to keep them. </p>
<p>Starting with keeping his cool as he gave them their presents. He was so excited, and he couldn’t wait to see their reactions. He was pretty sure they’d like them, but there was always the small possibility that they wouldn’t though. But hopefully if they hated what Evan picked, they wouldn’t tell him. That would be the polite thing to do, it’s probably what he’d do. But he needed to stop worrying about it. Zoe and Connor <em>were</em> going to like their gifts, because he’d picked them out specifically for them. He’d put a lot of thought into them and he thinks he did a god job. He was even holding them on his lap right now, so that Connor’s wrapping and Zoe’s tissue didn’t get torn or crumpled. He was protecting them, so they’d be perfect, down to even the smallest detail. </p>
<p>Evan’s so focused on not thinking about what would happen if they hated their gifts that he doesn’t realize his mom was talking to him and only catches her saying, “I’m so excited for you and I can’t wait to hear all about it.” </p>
<p>“Um, me too. Will you be home tonight when I get home?” Evan asks, assuming his mom was talking about the trip to the beach. He’d stay up again to tell her about it if she was going to be home. Because honestly, he was really excited and he was sure today was going to be a good day, and he does want to tell his mom about it. He’d noticed she was trying to pay a bit more attention to him, to talk to him, for the brief moments they saw each other (like this morning), but it was probably only because he had good things to say recently. It wasn’t worth it to make time for him, only for him to lie and say his day was fine and nothing else. But now he had interesting things to say all the time.</p>
<p>“Um, well honey, I had to pick up another shift tonight, so I’m working a double. But I should hopefully be home tomorrow before my next regular one starts,” Heidi answers reluctantly, knowing she’d been working even more lately and even the briefest moments with Evan were few and far between. </p>
<p>Evan’s disappointed but he knew she had to work. His mom would have to work a lot to pay off his trip to the hospital and his follow-up appointments. He knew because she’d accidently left the bill that had finally come out on the table and he’d read every line. So he really couldn’t be mad. And he doesn’t want her to feel bad about it, so he quickly tells her, “Okay. It’s okay Mom, tomorrow is good.” </p>
<p>“Well, maybe tonight you could have a sleepover with Connor, huh? Wouldn’t that be fun?” Heidi says, enthusiastically turning to Evan as they stopped at a red light, like Evan staying at Murphy’s was an excellent solution to her not being home. </p>
<p>“I mean I guess so, but I can’t just invite myself to sleepover at the Murphy’s, Mom,” Evan tells her, confused as why his mom would suggest that. She’d always stressed good manners were important to him for making friends, and he was positive it was not okay to invite yourself to someone’s house, let alone to stay the night. </p>
<p>“You know Connor could come over to our house, right? It’s fine by me if you want to have him over, have a sleepover of your own,” Heidi says, like it just dawned on her that Evan never had his new friends over except to pick him up or drop him off. </p>
<p>Heidi looks so excited and Evan didn’t want to tell her that he didn’t want to invite Zoe or Connor over to their house when Evan could be at theirs, that he liked being at their house. Especially after seeing everything that Zoe and Connor had. It was a lot harder to be like here’s my room, plain and boring, and here’s our living room, with no cable, no game console, and secondhand furniture. And a lot of the time they’d listen to Zoe play and it’s not like Evan’s house had a piano for her. He honestly didn’t think Zoe and Connor would care that he didn’t have a lot, but he cared, and he didn’t want to show them that. </p>
<p>But more importantly, why was his mom only talking about Connor? What was she trying to imply? That he couldn’t have his <em>girlfriend</em> over? And now that’s all Evan can think about. He’d have them over all the time, no matter how boring his house was, if it meant that his mom would stop thinking him and Zoe were anything more than friends. They weren’t and they never were going to be. </p>
<p>“Well what about Zoe? I would never not invite her too,” Evan presses, knowing what she was thinking, but wanting her to admit it. He couldn’t believe his mom was being this sexist. And heteronormative.  </p>
<p>“I don’t know Evan. I don’t know if she should be sleeping over or if you should be sleeping over at their house,” Heidi says, glossing over a real answer, which makes Evan even more annoyed. If she was going to try to ban Zoe from activities <em>she</em> suggested, then she should give a valid reason. Say it to him. </p>
<p>“Why though? Zoe’s my best friend. Why are you okay with Connor staying over and not Zoe?” Evan asks indignantly, wanting to defend Zoe and push his mom further. He knew exactly what she was thinking, and it annoys him further. One, him and Zoe <em>weren’t</em> dating, they weren’t going to do <em>anything</em> and two, why would they have Connor over and then what, have sex while he was there? That was horrifying to think about. And that was assuming Evan was ready to do something like that and he wasn’t. He’d never even kissed anybody. Sex was the last thing on his mind. </p>
<p>Heidi’s stumbling to find an answer, so Evan just continues on his inquisition, saying, “And weren’t you the one who was teasing me about Connor being so cute? How do you know we wouldn’t be doing the exact same thing you’re so worried that me and Zoe are secretly doing?” </p>
<p>“I guess you make a good point there, I don’t, I just assumed,” Heidi sighs, knowing that Evan was right. It wasn’t fair to Evan to try to keep him from a new and fun experience because an outdated belief that young boys and girls couldn’t just be friends. Evan almost wants to smirk, glad he won this argument, but he remembers that his mom only brought it up because she wasn’t used to suggesting things for him to do with friends, and she’d been so excited, thinking that he’d really enjoy a sleepover, so instead he just nods, deciding to be grateful that his mom was trying, even if was a little misguided. </p>
<p>“Evan, if Zoe’s parents are okay with it, she’s welcome to stay at our house too. I was just trying to let you know that you could have your friends over to our house too, and if I’m not home at night, maybe they could be there instead. It just sounded fun for you and you’ve been so happy since you met them, I was just trying to add to that,” Heidi tells him, putting their car into park in front of the Murphy’s, turning to look at him fully.</p>
<p>“I know Mom, and I have been really happy lately. And a huge part of that is Zoe. I just wouldn’t ever want to not include her or hurt her feelings,” Evan tells her, knowing exactly how it felt to be left out, to be the only one not invited to something. And he’d never do that to Zoe. But he doesn’t want his mom to feel bad either, so he quickly adds, “And I’ll invite them over soon, but um probably not tonight.” </p>
<p>“Okay, good. Well I hope you guys have fun. Maybe you could take some pictures to show me? Would that be okay?” Heidi asks hopefully, reminding Evan that this whole conversation started because she wanted to hear about his trip at some point. And he actually thinks pictures are a really good idea. He’d never thought of taking pictures before, he usually avoided being in pictures, hated seeing himself and how terrible he looked. But the thought of a picture of him, Zoe, and Connor all together? That was something he would like to have. He had his drawing on his cast, but that would be gone soon, a picture would last forever. And maybe his room would feel a little less boring with a picture of them, even if it was small. </p>
<p>Evan gives his mom a small smile, which he can tell she appreciates, and tells her, “Yeah I’ll try, and I’ll ask Zoe to take some, she’s good at it. I’ll see you tomorrow and I’ll show you. Thanks for driving me,” Evan says unlocking his door and getting out, trying hard to not ruin the gifts at the same time. It was quite the feat, but he manages to do it<br/>“I love you Evan,” Heidi says as Evan closes the car door. He hadn’t been expecting her to say anything else, but he tries his best to wave and say “You too” through the door. And Heidi waves back to him, so he thinks she heard him, so he turns and starts up the long driveway. </p>
<p>Evan realizes he can’t exactly text their group chat asking Zoe or Connor to let him in while he was holding their presents, so he’d have to knock (which he hated). Stupid cast, he couldn’t wait until he could get it off, even though he still had like six and half weeks to go. </p>
<p>But he’s surprised to find when he gets to the front door, that Zoe and Connor were already waiting for him and it makes him forget everything he thought about in the ride over with his mom. He was back to buzzing with excitement over seeing his friends and celebrating their birthdays. That they were excited enough to see him. That they were waiting for him. </p>
<p>“Evan, thank god you’re here. Can you please tell Connor that we’re not listening to podcasts the whole way to the coast? We need music, music inspires the soul, and we need that for today,” Zoe says, rushing up to Evan, clearly wanting him to take her side of this little debate. </p>
<p>And normally he would automatically take Zoe’s side, but he’d actually been hoping to listen to the podcast that him and Connor (and sometimes Zoe) had been binging called Part-Time Genius because he had a lot to say about the last episode. He was maybe even going to suggest a new one for Zoe (not that he’d been searching for or listening to new podcasts just to find one Zoe would like, he’d totally super causally stumbled upon it) called Song Explorer. And he liked music, he did, but he always liked Zoe’s music better than anything they could stream, and that wasn’t quite an option today. </p>
<p>“Well, um, the drives like two hours, right? Maybe we could do one episode of Part-Time Genius and then the second half music, for um soul hype?” Evan offers, seeing Connor nod behind Zoe, clearly okay with this compromise if Zoe was. </p>
<p>“See Zo, that’s what a reasonable person would suggest,” Connor tells her, holding back his laugh at Zoe’s playful look of betrayal she was giving Evan because he didn’t immediately agree with her like he normally did. </p>
<p>“Fine, you two win. Evan you’re lucky you come bearing gifts,” Zoe says, her smile bright and her eyes twinkling. Her hand was also touching his wrist, all little signs to let Evan know she wasn’t really mad, simply teasing him. Which was good, because he probably would have thought that she was upset about him “choosing” Connor or that he should bring her something every time he thought that she was slightly upset with him. </p>
<p>“Oh yeah, um these are for you guys, happy birthday,” Evan says awkwardly, handing them off to their respective recipient, fighting the urge to jump and down with excitement. He needed to stay cool, so Connor and Zoe weren’t weirded out by him doing something so regular, like giving a birthday present to them.    </p>
<p>“Thanks Evan, do you want us to open them now or later?” Connor asks, shifting his weight slightly, clearly unsure about what he was supposed to do with the present. </p>
<p>“I guess whatever you guys want, I don’t really know,” Evan tells them, also unsure what was supposed to happen now that he’d given them their gifts. Both Connor and Evan look to Zoe for direction, letting her decide what was appropriate or not. It’s not like either of them had been in this situation before, but Zoe had. Zoe would know what to do. </p>
<p>“Let’s do it now, then we can grab everything and leave for the beach,” Zoe tells them, looking down at her purple and gold gift excitedly. She even leads them back to the door, opening it and tugging Evan along through it with her, hand never leaving his wrist even as they sat in the living room to open the presents. </p>
<p>It’s quiet for a moment, with Connor and Evan once again not knowing what to do, but like seemingly always, it’s Zoe who breaks the silence, suggesting nicely, “Connor do you want to go first?” </p>
<p>But when Evan looks to Connor, he looks nervous and Evan understands that. He’d be feeling the same if it were him. Connor’s never done this before and Evan thinks that’s why he hastily says, “Uh, no, uh, you should go because your birthday already passed.” </p>
<p>Evan thinks that  maybe Connor actually wants to see how he’s supposed to react (or not react) based on what Zoe did. And he hopes Zoe reacts well, and that Connor would too. </p>
<p>“Okay,” Zoe says sweetly, probably knowing a little bit why Connor didn’t want to go first, but easily just as happy to go, clearly thrilled to open her present. </p>
<p>Zoe delicately takes out all the tissue paper that Evan had placed inside and slowly takes out the little purple box, starting to blush because she likely already knew what was inside the box, that people only put jewelry in a box so small. And Evan can’t help but fidget as he watched her open it, the anticipation driving him crazy, wanting to know exactly what she thought of the charms he so carefully chose for her. </p>
<p>And then he watches as Zoe’s eyes light up even more than before as she takes the necklace out of the box, grinning at Evan before looking closer at the charms, realizing he must’ve picked them for her, that a “Z”, a music note, and her favorite color weren’t strung together by happenstance. </p>
<p>“Oh my god Evan, thank you. I love this, it’s beautiful,” Zoe says looking back to Evan earnestly, honestly looking a little stunned that he’d gotten her something so perfect. </p>
<p>“I’m glad you like it. Um, the rhinestone is indigo,” Evan tells her awkwardly, unsure what else to say and moving his hand to the back of his neck, positive that he was blushing too. And when he looks to Connor, he seems confused as to why Evan would get his sister jewelry if they weren’t a <em>thing</em>. But Evan watches as Connor looks to Zoe and then calms down, like the realization hits him that Evan got her something she’d like. Zoe liked necklaces, clearly liked this one a lot, and that’s why Evan chose it. He’d been worried that Connor (like his mom at first) wouldn’t understand why he got Zoe a necklace, but he thinks Connor gets it. Evan wanted to make his friends happy and he’d succeeded with at least one of them. </p>
<p>“I want to wear now. Evan can you do the clasp for me?” Zoe asks, handing Evan her necklace and moving to pull her hair out of the way around her neck. But Evan can’t really focus, not with Zoe so close to him, not when she was asking him to do something he’d only seen in movies, with <em>couples</em>. </p>
<p>And it takes him a moment to realize that he can’t even actually do it because his cast, that he can’t grasp either the tiny hoop or the tiny hook lever. So he has to sheepishly tell Zoe, “Um, I don’t think I can with my cast.” </p>
<p>“Oh right. Connor then, do the clasp for me,” Zoe says, directing Evan to pass her necklace to Connor to help her instead. </p>
<p>“That’s a little bossy for someone whose birthday was two days ago,” Connor comments, even though he was getting up to do just as Zoe instructed. </p>
<p>“Just do it Connor, then you can open yours,” Zoe says in a tone that Evan can only describe as “annoyed little sister”. It was a special tone that Evan knew she only reserved for Connor when he was disagreeing with her to push her buttons. It makes Evan laugh though, happy that Zoe was so excited to wear her necklace she’d put up with Connor’s teasing. </p>
<p>Connor hooks the clasp and immediately when he steps away, Zoe turns around and launches herself into a hug around Evan. And Evan hugs her just a tight, the giddy feeling he had before, now amplified. And Connor hadn’t even opened his yet. </p>
<p>“Okay, that’s enough. We get it Zo, you like your necklace, it’s very pretty, but now it’s my turn,” Connor says confidently, all his nervousness from before now gone. Evan hopes that it’s because he saw that Evan got Zoe a present she really liked, and Evan had probably done the same for him. Zoe just rolls her eyes at him but lets go of Evan and returns to just sitting next him, absentmindedly playing with the charms of what Evan hoped was her new favorite necklace. </p>
<p>Connor picks up his all black present from where he’d set it previously and starts to very gently un-tape all the edges, taking his time unwrapping and not ripping any of it. It makes Evan happy that he’d spent so much time wrapping it, knowing that Connor appreciated it. And Connor looks up in awe when he takes out the sketchbook, looking back down to it quickly to inspect it further. </p>
<p>“Um, I thought that you said your other ones were getting pretty full and since you might take art this year, I thought you might need it. And I thought the cover was pretty cool and it has thick pages for ink, so it doesn’t bleed through, or I think it’s supposed to be good for charcoal too. I’m not really sure though,” Evan rambles on anxiously, worried that Connor hadn’t said anything yet, that besides his quick glance to Evan after he’d opened it, he wasn’t looking to him or Zoe. </p>
<p>That is until Connor starts flipping through it and finds on the first page where Evan had simply written “To: Connor From: Evan”. It was by no means like a card or a heartfelt inscription, but Evan had felt like Connor would like it. Like having proof that someone else had bought this for him. Had thought of something specifically for him. And Connor looks up to Evan and he looks like he might cry. </p>
<p>Evan wasn’t expecting Connor to act like this, and it worries him a little bit that he wasn’t as visually excited as Zoe had been. Was it because he was disappointed? Did he not like the sketchbook? Evan doesn’t know what to do or say, so unable to keep his cool like he’d been trying to, he just blurts out, “Do you not like it? I thought you would, but if you don’t that okay. I’m sorry. I could always look for something else. You could even keep it for scratch paper or something and I can find a different present. I’ll try harder with something new. I’m really sorry Connor.” </p>
<p> “No, no, don’t Evan. I, I love it. Really. It’s perfect. Sorry I guess I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say at first but thank you. I really do like it, ” Connor says, pulling the book close to his chest protectively, like Evan might try to take it away from him since he’d thought Connor didn’t like it.   </p>
<p>And almost immediately, a wave of relief washes over Evan. Connor liked his present. Zoe liked hers. He’d done it. He’d picked out something for each of them to show how much they meant to him. To show he was trying to get to know them, that he could be a permanent friend to both of them. He can’t help but smile, looking between both their happy smiles too. </p>
<p>Then suddenly Connor stands up and just stands in front of Evan awkwardly, like he wasn’t sure what to do again, but he glances to Zoe who nods at him encouragingly, and Zoe nudges Evan to get up too. Before Evan’s even standing all the way up, Connor’s hugging him. Not as tightly as Zoe had, and much more awkwardly, but Evan supposes he’s being awkward too, unsure what to do when you were the shorter person being hugged (he hadn’t really hugged anyone lately who wasn’t Zoe). </p>
<p>And Connor let’s go faster, probably concerned about weirding Evan out with his unexpected hug, but happily says, “I’m going to bring this to the beach, in case there’s inspiration. Maybe I’ll draw us again.” </p>
<p>“And I’m probably never going to take my necklace off,” Zoe adds, filling Evan with more confidence than he’s probably ever had in his whole life. He was hoping they would like them, but he never could’ve imagined that it’d go over this well. </p>
<p>“I’m going to grab my pen case from my room real fast, but then let’s go. Zoe grab the other bag from the kitchen and take it to my car,” Connor says already walking out the room, still clutching his sketchbook close to him. </p>
<p>“Now who’s the bossy one,” Zoe calls out, laughing as Connor flips them off from the staircase, knowing that he didn’t really mean it. </p>
<p>When Connor’s completely out of view, Zoe surprises Evan by hugging him once more, and telling him quietly, “You did really great Ev. I really love this necklace.” </p>
<p>And Evan’s glad they’re still hugging so that Zoe wouldn’t see that she’d reignited his blush, by saying something so simple, yet so genuine. When she finally starts to let go, he decides to tell her how he found her necklace and why he got it for her, so he says just as quietly, “I saw the music note charm first and thought you would like it. And I don’t know, I just couldn’t stop thinking of you.” </p>
<p>“Well, now I have something that will always make me think of you too,” Zoe giggles, blushing the same as Evan, and the warm content feeling that he was started to only associate with her was returning and he can’t do anything other than smile at her. </p>
<p>Zoe grabs his hand and starts to lead him towards their kitchen, telling him through interrupted giggles, “Let’s get the bags so Connor doesn’t get fussy. You know he’s only seventeen, practically a child.”  </p>
<p>Evan laughs along with her teasing and follows her into the kitchen, never dropping her hand. And he feels incredible. He knew today was going to be a good day and the Murphy’s were why. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>==</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Connor can’t really believe what just happened. That a friend of <em>his</em> just gave him a birthday present. One that was thoughtful and nice and 100% him. He’d never had someone who wasn’t in his family give him a present before. And even those gifts were hit or miss. Connor remembered that not once, but twice his dad had gifted him a baseball glove (when he was nine and then again when he was fourteen), both times Connor was positive as a way to show he disapproved of Connor. Even some of his presents from his mom weren’t things he’d liked or would ever use even though she tried (the watercolor set she’d gotten him laid untouched in his bookshelf). Zoe was usually the closest, but the last two years they’d just been giftcards (but honestly that wasn’t really her fault).    </p>
<p>And growing up, him and Zoe never really had a lot of parties because of where their birthdays fell in the year. But never having parties before, and in Connor’s case, never being invited to one either, he’d never had the experience of being surrounded by friends, having them sing happy birthday around a cake, playing games, filling goodie bags, opening presents, and all the regular things kids did at parties. Evan giving him a present today and joining them tomorrow for his birthday dinner, would be the closest Connor’s ever had to a “proper” birthday. Zoe at least had been invited to other people’s parties before. </p>
<p>But because neither of them had parties of their own, their parents started doing their birthday trip instead. It was something they got to do and plan together and had made their birthdays so special when they’d been little. It was their thing, until Connor made sure it wasn’t. </p>
<p>Last year he refused to go on a trip with her, even though she gathered enough courage to ask him. He watched as Zoe’s heart crumbled in front of him, hoping that their sacred tradition would be enough to get him back, even if it was only for a day. It had worked the year before when things hadn’t been quite so bad. But last year, he’d stomped all over her dreams and berated her for even asking. </p>
<p>It’s something he regrets a lot. The chance to spend time with her, to heal their relationship sooner. He’d been so stupid, and he kept being even more stupid for the year following, spurred on by the resentment that came from their birthdays. Because they didn’t do a trip, Zoe did end up having a “party” last year, with three of her band friends. It hadn’t been much, more of a hang out with cake and some presents. But Connor hated her for it. Seethed as he watched from the shadows, high and burning with jealously. </p>
<p>But this year would be different. He promised himself and Zoe that. This year when she very hesitantly asked if he wanted to do a birthday trip with her (a few days before they met Evan at Ellison), he agreed. And once they’d met Evan, they both agreed to have him there too. Probably because they both liked Evan and probably just a little bit because they were both worried about doing something together, all alone. </p>
<p>He didn’t know how Zoe was so forgiving, but he was grateful that she was. He liked the direction their relationship was heading in. He really was trying his best, even if sometimes it was really hard. Like when he’d yelled at her on the trail about bringing up school. Or when he yelled at her for telling Evan that he was at therapy (at the time he thought Evan wouldn’t want to be his friend if he knew Connor had to go to therapy). He knew now that he’d been wrong both times. He knew Zoe was just trying to help him. And Evan had been really nice about therapy and had even asked him a couple of real questions about it, admitting that he was thinking about going too, that he didn’t want to be so anxious all the time. Realizing he’d been wrong, that was an improvement. And it really was getting easier. Talking. Apologizing. Everything. </p>
<p>Connor was sure that part of the ease was because of Evan. Connor liked having Evan around, liked having a best friend. He had someone to talk to. To text when he thought of something funny or interesting. And unlike anyone he’d talked to in the last couple years, Connor was positive that Evan wasn’t trying to set him up for something as a joke. Evan had told him he thought the same thing about Connor the first couple days they’d been hanging out. And Connor hadn’t even been offended. Neither of them had experience with real friends, only people at school who made fun of them, directly and indirectly, so how were they supposed to tell if the other was being sincere? Both him and Evan were particularly guarded with their feelings, but it made it a lot easier to relate to each other, to understand what the other was feeling. It was nice. </p>
<p>Evan was easily the best friend he’s ever had. With Zoe coming in at a close second. </p>
<p>Which was saying something, because him and Zoe still got into petty arguments all the time and were still kind of awkward, but she was really all he had. And he’ll forever be thankful that Evan had helped them ease the weird tension that had clouded their reconciliation efforts over the summer. For almost two weeks it had been good and Connor wanted it to stay that way. And he was just honestly really excited to spend the day with his sister and his best friend at the boardwalk and beach. More excited than he’s been in a long time. </p>
<p>Connor quickly grabs his pen case from his art supply drawer and then hurries back downstairs. He checks the living room and the kitchen to make sure Zoe actually went outside and had grabbed the bags, and calls out to his mom, “Mom, we’re leaving! We’ll be home by curfew!” </p>
<p>Connor doesn’t wait for a response, knowing his mom knew that Zoe and him knew the rules of their trip and he’s eager to leave. In the driveway, Zoe and Evan are leaning against his car chatting, and Zoe was laughing loudly at something Evan must have said, pushing his arm playfully.</p>
<p>“What’s so funny?” Connor asks, jogging up to them, not wanting to miss anything more than he already had in the couple minutes he’d been in his room. </p>
<p>“Oh Evan was telling me about the podcast we’re apparently going to listen to because I’m not on the same episode as you guys, and I was teasing you both for being big ol’ nerds,” Zoe explains, continuing to laugh, and Connor has to admit, he’s happy she’s happy. </p>
<p>“Well, takes one to know one, Zo,” Connor teases back, which prompts Evan to join in, having someone else on his side now, poking Zoe playfully, saying, “Yeah, nerd.” </p>
<p>Evan didn’t usually partake in their teasing but Connor’s glad he did because it makes all of them laugh even more, even as they got into their now specific spots in Connor’s car. And Connor likes this so much. Easy laughing between all of them, no one really on “sides” at all, but all just <em>friends</em>. </p>
<p>“Okay, since we’re about to be driving for a while, I think we need coffee first,” Connor says, starting his car and pulling out of their driveway, already heading toward the coffee shop with the drive through, figuring it’d be easier than getting out. One of the perks of driving was he ultimately got to decide where they went and even if Zoe and Evan didn’t want something, he did, so they were going. </p>
<p>“Yes, I need a latte. The coffee mom made this morning tasted weird,” Zoe says, shuddering remembering whatever it was that their mom must have given her this morning. Cynthia really needed to stop “experimenting” and trying new “trends” because they were almost always not good. Zoe turns her attention to Evan though, head popped through between the two front seats like normal, asking him, “Evan, do you want the same one I got last time?” </p>
<p>Connor watches as Evan struggles to find an answer, and he knew Evan tended to overthink things and usually took a while to answer, but Connor thinks it’s taking especially long right now. It was a little odd for such a small question from Zoe. </p>
<p>“Um, no I think I’m okay. Maybe next time,” Evan says politely, turning down their offer and Connor wants to ask if there was something else Evan wanted instead, but Zoe cuts him off, telling Evan, “Okay, next time then”, ending the conversation about Evan getting anything completely. </p>
<p>Connor had been noticing more recently (since they pretty much hung out every day) that Evan almost always turned things down when him or Zoe offered him something. Coffees, milkshakes, food they bought out, he didn’t even have any opinions on the snacks they had picked out yesterday, even though they were supposed to be for him too. And he rarely took anything that him or Zoe offered to share with him. Actually, now that he thought about it, he doesn’t think Evan’s ever gotten something to eat or drink when they’ve been hanging out. If they were home eating lunch or dinner, Evan usually ate with them, but never when they were out. And he really hopes his friend was eating okay and enough, that there wasn’t anything deeper than Evan just not wanting it. </p>
<p>Maybe Connor could try talking to him? If Evan was anxious about ordering or not knowing what to get, he could help with that, no problem. He didn’t want his one friend to be uncomfortable when they were supposed to be having fun, not any of the time, but especially not today. He’d leave it be for coffee, but maybe he’d get a chance to talk to Evan alone about it before lunch.</p>
<p>Connor orders both his and Zoe’s drink when they get to the drive through, knowing hers without having to ask and pays with the extra money their mom had given them for the whole trip. It was honestly too much money, even for all three of them, but especially since both him and Zoe had allowance money that they could spend that they’d gotten this week too. </p>
<p>Cynthia insisted on both of them having an “allowance” every week for things she thought were essential, things like gas, food, coffee, little things they just <em>needed</em>, amongst others. And Connor knew he was lucky, that his parents had more than enough money to do that for him and Zoe. Not everybody had that. </p>
<p>He almost didn’t have that either. When he’d come back from rehab, Larry didn’t want him to have an allowance, to have his car, to have anything. And considering what Connor had used both of those for in the past, it did make sense. But Cynthia had been adamant that taking those from Connor would be cruel, that they would build trust through Connor having all his “normal” things (his car and two hundred dollars a week were not normal, they were just rich) as long as his random drug tests kept coming up negative. And they would.   </p>
<p>Connor wasn’t ever going to touch any drugs again, even though there were some days where he missed the mellow lazy high of smoking weed, where he just wanted to tune out the world. But he’d promised himself he’d never put his little sister in danger ever again. Ever. </p>
<p>He was never going to be so out of control angry, amplified by the cocktail of whatever pills he’d decided to take that day, that he’d do something he’d regret ever again. He wasn’t going to put Zoe through that, and he wasn’t going to put himself through that again. </p>
<p>And he never wanted to go back to rehab again. It was the right call at the time, and he was glad his parents did it, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t terrible or that he wanted to go back. Even just remembering the taste of his withdrawal medication, the one he had to let slowly dissolve under his tongue, was enough to shock him out of any thought of using again. Never again. </p>
<p>Their drive to the beach is easy and light-hearted, just what Connor needed to not worry too much about himself or Evan. The podcast episode they listen to is all about New Orleans, which pushes them all into a really interesting conversation about places they wanted to visit and why (one of Zoe’s being New Orleans because of the music and jazz culture, which started the discussion). And the second half they do listen to music, hand-picked by Zoe, and true to her word it does hype them up, making them even more excited than Connor thought was possible. </p>
<p>As Connor drives around looking for a place to park, they decide to go along the boardwalk first, mixing in shops and rides and games, then walk or hang out on the beach after lunch. Connor finds a spot near the entrance, where they sell the ride and game bracelets and tokens and they decide to get those first, that way they wouldn’t  have to loop around once they saw a ride they wanted to go on. And Connor wanted to go on all the rides. But Evan he wasn’t so sure about. </p>
<p>Evan kept looking through one of the brochures they had around the entrance to the bracelet line, that gave descriptions of some of the rides and shops and things, looking more frightened as the ride intensity list went up (from baby rides to a few actual rollercoasters). </p>
<p>“Evan the rides are totally safe, I promise. Are you worried about them?” Connor asks him sincerely, wanting to know beforehand what Evan wanted so he didn’t push him or say the wrong thing and embarrass him. He’d been trying hard to do that since the forest where he just kept saying the wrong thing, making Evan more upset.</p>
<p>“I guess a little. I don’t know they seemed not so, big online,” Evan says, looking between Zoe and Connor, clearly worried he was disappointing them somehow. </p>
<p>“You don’t have to go on any you don’t want to Evan, but I think you might like them,” Zoe says, stepping in a little closer to Evan, and Connor thinks she might take his hand, but she doesn’t, she just smiles at him sweetly and encouragingly. The same way she always interacted with Evan. </p>
<p>“Actually, I think I can do it. You guys wouldn’t tease me if I closed my eyes though, right?” Evan asks, looking at the ground, fiddling with the cotton of his cast. And Connor thinks it’s brave for Evan to ask, to put it out there that if he did react poorly and they said something about it, that it would hurt his feelings. That he trusted them both of them with that knowledge. </p>
<p>“No, we only tease for fun things like being a nerd, not things you’re trying for the first time,” Connor tells him, hoping that it was reassuring to Evan. Sure him and Zoe liked to tease each other a lot, and recently that’d been extended towards Evan, but he never wanted to actually be mean to Evan. They both dealt with enough of that at school.</p>
<p>“Okay, thanks,” Evan says as they step up to the front of the line. Connor misses the way Zoe squeezes Evan’s arm and nods at him, staying right by his side as he turns away from them to talk to the cashier asking, “Can we do three unlimited ride bracelets please?” </p>
<p>The cashier, who was probably their age, looks annoyed even though Connor was being polite (his mom always stressed the importance of being nice to service workers) and says back, “Sixty dollars.” </p>
<p>Connor quickly gets out the cash from what his mom had given all of them and exchanges it for the bracelets, giving the cashier a rushed “thank you” before nodding at Evan and Zoe to follow him out of the line. Neither Zoe nor Connor seem to notice that Evan was getting antsy again, until they look over to him fumbling around with his own wallet trying to get out money of his own.</p>
<p>Connor doesn’t say anything quite yet, honestly unsure what Evan was doing, so instead he hands Zoe her bracelet and puts his own on, holding Evan’s for him. </p>
<p>Connor doesn’t expect Evan to push money towards him, telling him, “Um, here Connor for my bracelet.” </p>
<p>Did Evan not know that their parents were paying for like all of today? That he didn’t need to worry about any of it? This was one of the times where Connor was glad his parents were spoiling him and Zoe and their friend. Connor wanted a day where they could just do whatever they wanted and not think about it. He wanted that for Evan too, because he was sure Evan never got days like that. </p>
<p>“Evan, don’t worry about it, you don’t need to pay us back,” Connor tells him, refusing to take the money, with Zoe adding, “Yeah Ev, Connor paid with money meant for this trip specifically and that includes you too.” </p>
<p>“Are you really sure? Because I have the money, it’s not like I don’t. I can pay you back,” Evan continues, insisting on giving them his money, this time trying to give it to Zoe instead. </p>
<p>“Evan please, it’s really okay,” Zoe starts, stepping towards him and lightly pushing his hand away, trying to be as delicate as she could, before continuing, “Our parents are perfectly happy to fund this whole day for us and they know you’re a huge part of today. They said it was fine.” </p>
<p>“Honestly, I’m pretty sure my mom would buy the whole boardwalk if it meant you’d stay friends with me, so a ride bracelet, lunch, and some knick-knacks or candy or whatever are pretty much not a big deal to Cynthia Murphy,” Connor says, then regrets the last thing he said almost immediately when he sees the strained look on Evan’s face. Because a day like today was a big deal to a lot of people and he just now realized that Evan probably had to really plan his money (because he obviously didn’t know his parents were paying) for today. That it'd probably been stressing him out. </p>
<p>Connor knew Evan’s family wasn’t as <em>financially secure</em> as his and Zoe’s was (to be fair that was probably true of most people) and that must be pretty stressful. And it was probably hard to accept money from your rich friends, to accept anything from them, because Evan probably thought they were pitying him, the <em>poor</em> friend. But they weren’t. Not at all. </p>
<p>They wanted Evan here because they wanted to celebrate their birthdays with him. They liked him for him, and they really didn’t care about how much money he had or could spend. They wanted him with them when they did things like this. Fun things. And Connor knows neither him or Zoe would even mind buying things for Evan on a more regular basis, they offered all the time. Except Evan probably didn’t know that. </p>
<p>That every time they’d asked, “What do you want Evan?” when they were out, they were offering to get Evan something too, not just order for him. Now it made more sense why Evan always turned things down, not because he didn’t want something, but because he couldn’t really afford it and didn’t understand that him and Zoe truly were okay buying him things. Connor knew for himself at least, that he was perfectly happy spending Larry’s money, especially on things for Evan, who deserved a lot more than his friends getting him a latte. </p>
<p>“Um, okay. I’m sorry I made it weird,” Evan says, face turning red from embarrassment, shifting his attention to trying to very unsuccessfully snap his own bracelet on. Connor is about to step in to help, but Zoe beats him to it and she actually gets Evan to look her in the eye and nod, like they were talking without talking. And it actually is kind of weird, but Evan was at least back to looking at them and not the ground, so Connor would take it. His sentiment from before was still true, he didn’t want his friend to be uncomfortable, especially today when they should only be worried about having fun.</p>
<p>“You didn’t, I promise. But let’s go on some rides, yeah?” Zoe says cheerily, ever the bright spirit of their little ragtag group. Evan nods again and so Connor adds an awkwardly cheerful “yeah” to Zoe’s, and it has them all laughing. So maybe Connor didn’t always say the right thing or apparently know exactly how to make Evan feel better like Zoe did, but at least he could get them all laughing again. </p>
<p>Connor had a feeling that lunch would probably go similarly as well as anything else they wanted to do today that involved buying something, but no matter how many times Evan needed to hear that buying things with their parent’s money today was okay, that he should just have fun, him and Zoe would tell him. </p>
<p>Soon Evan is back to his normal anxious self and the awkward money thing is long forgotten. They all go on all the rides in mixtures of pairs (only a few had three seats), even the scary ones, and to the surprise of them all, it’s Evan who suggests going on the big ones a second time, claiming that he really liked them (after the terrifying clanking noise at the beginning was over). And Connor can’t remember the last time he’s had this much fun. </p>
<p>They eventually decide to take a break and get lunch, but they hadn’t decided beforehand where to go, thinking it was more of a day-of decision depending on how they felt. Zoe was listing off places from the brochure Evan took from the ticket line, vetoing the majority of them, and the possible yeses Connor was looking up so they could see the menus specifically. But someplace that Zoe hadn’t said yet catches his eye, and they’re about to pass it, so Connor turns quickly in towards Zoe to point it out and he watches as she instinctively flinches away from him, her eyes scrunched tight like she thought he was going to hit her. </p>
<p>If he’d blinked, he would have missed it, Zoe shakes it off that quickly, like it didn’t happen at all. Evan didn’t seem to notice her reaction either, happily chatting about options with her again. But Connor saw it. </p>
<p>Zoe was afraid of him, even when they weren’t fighting, even in the midst of a really amazing day. Zoe was afraid of him. Zoe was afraid of him hurting her. And it hurts him more than he thought was possible. </p>
<p>And he needs a second to just not be around either of them, to just…he wasn’t quite sure, but he couldn’t be here. Connor tries his best to blink back tears and mumbles, “I need to go to the bathroom,” and just walks away. </p>
<p>Connor doesn’t look back to see if they heard him or cared or anything because he can’t focus on anything but that his little sister was terrified of him. He hurries into the bathroom and goes into the big stall, locking the door and sliding disgracefully against the grimy tile. And he knew things weren’t going to be magically better when he got back from rehab, that one summer of tense niceties and two weeks of friendship via a mutual friend wouldn’t make up for years of damage. But he didn’t think it was so bad that imbedded into Zoe’s psyche was ‘if Connor turns, it’s to hit me’. </p>
<p>He knows he hurt her, and he knows that what happened was his fault, that they were incredibly lucky that Zoe wasn’t worse off, left with a couple of bruises that healed. He knows that. And he hates himself even more for it. </p>
<p>But the memory of her just lying there, not knowing if she was okay or not, with his dad pushing him away and screaming at him makes Connor want to vomit and he’s glad he was in a bathroom, even if it was a disgusting public one. </p>
<p>He deserved all the pain he was feeling because he put Zoe through so much worse. He bet she hated him. Zoe was probably so happy when he was gone at rehab, that she got three and half weeks without him. That she didn’t have to be afraid. She was probably only trying so hard so that he wouldn’t snap again and hurt her. She didn’t actually want to be friends with him. It was probably the same reason she’d taken to Evan so easily, so she’d never have to be alone with him ever again. Evan was like her protector, her savior. If he hadn’t driven them all here, he’d leave right now. Give Evan and Zoe time alone to hang out without him, probably what they wanted anyways. Why would they want to be around him at all? He was the worst. </p>
<p>The worst brother. The worst friend. The worst son. The worst person. </p>
<p>He didn’t deserve even the basic kindness that his mom, Zoe, even Evan extended to him. His dad was right, there was something wrong with him. And didn’t have any idea about how to fix that. Therapy clearly wasn’t working. Nothing would ever work. He’d always have to go through his miserable life as someone whose little sister was scared of.  </p>
<p>Connor doesn’t really know how long he sits on the floor of the gross bathroom, stewing within his terrible thoughts, but it must have been a while because eventually he hears Evan’s timid voice call out, “Connor are you in here? You’ve been gone a long time and we’re worried about you. Are you feeling sick?” </p>
<p>“No,” Connor replies back, his voice thick and shaky, figuring he shouldn’t lie to Evan and just say he was sick. He didn’t want to ruin Evan and Zoe’s day, because he knew both of them would insist on going home if he didn’t feel well. But he’d rather wallow on his own in the bathroom and let them continue on with their day and drive them back later. Or maybe hand his keys to Zoe and have her drive herself and Evan home. He could stay here and figure out a different way home without them. </p>
<p>“Connor what happened?” Evan asks, and Connor can see Evan’s legs and his New Balance sneakers appear in front of the door, probably figuring out which stall Connor was in. He knew Evan probably meant well by asking, but there was no way he could actually tell Evan, right? No, he couldn’t. Evan would hate him and stop being his friend. And Zoe already hated him, so then he’d have no one. </p>
<p>“If I told you, you’d hate me too, just like Zoe,” Connor says, sniffling and wiping his tears away with his tee shirt. Maybe Evan would decide to just leave him there and tell Zoe he couldn’t find him. </p>
<p>“Zoe doesn’t hate you Connor, and I wouldn’t either, no matter what you told me. You’re my friend,” Evan tells him, and Connor can see him sitting down on the floor next to the door, showing that he’d stay with Connor, that he wasn’t just going to leave him. And Connor doesn’t know how that makes him feel. And he doesn’t believe Evan either. Zoe <em>did</em> hate him and Evan would too if he knew. </p>
<p>“Yes, she does. She hates me and she’s afraid of me,” Connor says, wanting to do something more to make Evan leave, to lash out so Evan would just understand that what he was saying was true, but he knows that it’s not okay to hurt Evan like that. It was something he’d been working on in therapy, to control his reactions when he was upset, so he doesn’t do anything. He continues to sit there in his own despair, resolute in not hurting Evan or hurting Zoe further. </p>
<p>“I really don’t think she is, Connor,” Evan says a little more confidently and Connor doesn’t know why. He was positive Zoe hadn’t said anything to Evan about anything that had happened, because if she did, then Evan would see that Connor was right, that Zoe had every reason to be afraid of him.</p>
<p>“You don’t know everything Evan,” Connor says bitingly, only slightly wishing he could see Evan’s face, see how he was reacting. He didn’t want to be mean, he didn’t, but he couldn’t help his tone. Maybe Evan would leave him alone if he sharpened his words, said things with more conviction. </p>
<p>“You could tell me, but only if you want to,” Evan says softly, not reacting at all in the way Connor would have thought. He was sure his tone would’ve upset Evan, not made him more empathetic. </p>
<p>“I can’t. Like I said you’ll hate me too,” Connor tells him, his voice back to being sad and desperate. Maybe Evan really was a good friend. Maybe he could explain what happened and how much he regrets it. No. He can’t do that, because after today, he was sure Evan would start distancing himself, but maybe there was a small chance Evan still might want to talk to him, maybe just while they were at school, but he knows if Evan ever found out, even that would be gone. And he can’t risk it. </p>
<p>“I promise you I won’t, but I won’t push it any further. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s okay. There’re things I can’t tell anyone either, so I get it. But I think you should talk to Zoe. Maybe not today, but maybe sometime soon, because again I promise you Connor, she doesn’t hate you. Zoe adores you and has told me at least, that she’s really happy you two were hanging out again. That she hasn’t been this happy in a while. I don’t think she’d say that if she hated you,” Evan tells him, his voice a little less sure than before but still steady, like he was remembering exactly what Zoe had said and Connor’s somewhat in shock. First about how understanding and sincere Evan was being. That he just understood that Connor wasn’t in a position to talk, to be constantly pressed for answers that he couldn’t give. That Evan somehow knew exactly what to say to make him feel just the tiniest bit better, and he wonders if it’s what Evan would have wanted to hear. </p>
<p>And second, Connor’s in disbelief that Zoe would say anything like that. But why would Evan lie to him? He didn’t have a reason too. And he knew Evan was trying hard to be a good a friend, so chances were, he wasn’t lying to try to appease Connor. And he probably wouldn’t be trying to set up a talk between him and Zoe if he thought it’d make Zoe upset. Evan was almost always trying to please Zoe. </p>
<p>Maybe Connor should take the chance and believe Evan for now. Believe that maybe his sister didn’t quite hate and was maybe still afraid of him, but maybe instead of hiding or getting angry, maybe he could try to reassure her? Talk to her about what happened and make a promise to her, rather than to himself that he never hurt her again. </p>
<p>Connor thinks it’s maybe time to get off the disgusting floor and see his friend. Maybe he’d be able to tell if Evan was lying if he saw him. So Connor gets up and slowly unlocks the door, which Evan had been leaning against a little bit, making him scramble to get up to standing. Connor might be laughing good naturedly at Evan’s general awkwardness, but the situation was too severe for that. </p>
<p>“Did Zoe really say all that to you?” Connor asks nervously, continuing to wipe away evidence from his tears, watching Evan carefully. </p>
<p>“Yeah, she did. And whatever it is that happened between you, I’m pretty sure she’s forgiven you, but I think you should hear that from her. And Connor even if you did something bad, you’re not that person anymore, and that’s what’s important, the things you do now,” Evan says genuinely, not a trace of nervousness or possible fear that he was wrong. It wasn’t a look Connor had seen a lot on Evan, but it’s enough to convince him that Evan probably wasn’t lying to him. </p>
<p>“But sometimes I still yell at her, that’s a bad thing I still do,” Connor admits, knowing that even though he was trying like Evan had said, he didn’t get it right all the time. It was hard, but he really was trying his hardest. </p>
<p>“I mean, sometimes I still get so anxious that I won’t eat, even though I promise my mom I will. I’m still trying my best. And so are you. You don’t have to be perfect and Zoe knows that,” Evan tells him, clearly not wanting to admit what he did about his anxiety, but telling Connor anyways, hoping that it’d help him. And it does. </p>
<p>It reminds Connor that maybe if Zoe wasn’t completely comfortable with him again, he could still make an effort to get there. He could show her all the reasons why she shouldn’t hate him. Why he was worth forgiving. </p>
<p>“Are you sure you don’t go to therapy Evan? Because you sound like my therapist,” Connor tells him, giving him the smallest smile, one that Evan returns. </p>
<p>“Yeah, but it’s easy to say things, it’s hard to do them. If it was you telling me this, I’d probably deny it all and hide thinking you both hated me,” Evan shares with him, another little bit that he probably didn’t want to, something that he might not have even shared with Zoe. But somehow knew that Connor would understand. </p>
<p>“We don’t hate you Evan, far from it, if you ever think that. You’re the best friend either of us has ever had,” Connor tells him, figuring it was probably his turn to help Evan, assuage some of his doubts. </p>
<p>“Really?” Evan asks, voice back to being timid, like he wanted to believe Connor, but was afraid that Connor was lying, the same way Connor had thought Evan might be lying. Connor nods his head and simply tells Evan, “Yeah, really.” </p>
<p>“Well, you two are the best friends I’ve ever had too,” Evan says quietly, his sheepish smile back, letting Connor know that he believed him. </p>
<p>“And um, thanks for coming to find me. I probably would have stayed in there all day. I was even trying to figure out how you two could get home without me. But I think I feel better, and you’re right, I’ll talk with Zoe. I should have a lot earlier,” Connor tells him, truly feeling a lot better than he had before. He knows he should have talked to Zoe right when he got home, but he’d been too scared, so he left what happened between them, and he needs to apologize the right way. He needs to show Zoe he could be the person he wanted to be. </p>
<p>“You’re doing it now and that’s good, it’s better than never,” Evan says, walking over to the sink to wash his hands, clearly remembering that they’d been sitting on floor in a public restroom on a busy boardwalk. Connor follows suit and washes his hands too, laughing as he hears his stomach grumble, reminding him that they were about to get lunch before he’d disappeared. </p>
<p>“Yeah that true. But I just remembered I’m starving, please tell me you and Zoe picked somewhere to eat. And also while we’re on the topic of friendship and all that, please don’t fight us when we pay. It’s our birthday so you have to let us Evan,” Connor says, also remembering that he’d wanted to talk to Evan about that when they were alone. But he’d kind of cashed in all the heartfelt he could earlier, so light and somewhat demanding would have to do for now. </p>
<p>Evan’s face turns red again but he doesn’t argue, probably knowing he wouldn’t win, but he does nod and tell Connor, “Yeah Zoe found this place that has like burger and sandwiches and fries, stuff like that. Zoe said she wanted French fries.” </p>
<p>“Zoe always wants French fries,” Connor says laughing at how predictable Zoe could be sometimes. And Evan laughs along with him, knowing it was true, looking a little calmer overall, hopefully accepting that Connor and Zoe wanted to buy him things. </p>
<p>They leave the bathroom and easily find Zoe waiting outside for them, looking relieved that Connor was okay. Connor tries his best to not worry her by trying to act normal, to make it just like it was before he left. It works okay and by the time they’re seated and looking over menus, it’s easy again. Zoe tries to steal their fries and Connor lets her and oddly so does Evan, both of them smiling and teasing her though, making her laugh. It’s even easy as Connor pays the check, getting no objections from Evan, which also makes Connor feel better. </p>
<p>After lunch they decide to go through some stores, stopping first at Zoe’s favorite candy store. Connor knew she liked it because it had bins and bins of different gummies to choose from and they were her absolute favorite candy. Connor preferred chocolate, so he filled bags of all different types of chocolate-y candy. And surprisingly they find out that Evan loved sour candy, only filling his bag (not nearly enough, they had to friendly-bully him into getting more) with sour belts and apple-o’s. </p>
<p>Next they meander into a little gift shop that sold more handmade local stuff and Zoe claims it’s important to support small businesses so they have to get something. Connor finds a very simple small keychain that was probably made of resin, black with swirls of gold, and he’d never tell her, but it reminds him of him and Zoe, so he decides to get it. Zoe finds a pretty carved box made of driftwood and she doesn’t say what she needs it for, just that she likes it and was going to get it. </p>
<p>And before they can offer to pay, Evan sneaks off and buys a picture frame decorated with tiny seashells in two of the corners on his own. They only realize he’s done it when he comes back to them holding the bag, asking them, “Um, before today is over, um could we take a picture, the three of us? My mom wanted to see pictures from today and I, um, I just want one of us together.” </p>
<p>“Of course, we’ll take so many when we get to the beach, it’ll close to golden hour, so they’ll be perfect. And Ev, I’ll send you the ones I took of you and Connor on rides to show your mom too,” Zoe says excitedly, answering for both of them. And Connor hadn’t really thought about it before, but he thinks he’d like a picture of the three of them too. </p>
<p>Zoe’s right because when they get to the beach the sun is just starting to set, making everything glow golden and the pictures she takes are perfect. She makes them take cute and ridiculous photos and manages to get more candid ones of Connor and Evan too. And Connor can’t help but notice how happy they all look in them. How happy he’d been all day (his meltdown excluded). And he knows his real birthday was tomorrow and he thinks just maybe there might be some good days ahead, but he’s pretty sure nothing would top today.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So next chapter Connor and Zoe are going to talk, which is not something I originally intended, but it feels right, so we're going with it, and maybe, maybe we'll get to the first day of school!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. I Just Wanted You To Know That This Is Me Trying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Connor apologizes to Zoe and Evan talks to his mom about their trip and some other things.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!! So I really like this chapter because it's my favorite Connor/Zoe apology that I've written before, even though it made me cry a little. And I've been really interested in exploring love outside of a romantic love lately and I really wanted to emphasize that in this chapter with Zoe and Connor. I also wanted to show how similar they are, kind of a missed opportunity for them to bond in the musical. So I really hope you like it! And I'm looking forward to writing them more as friends (which I've never really written with them as teens)! And in case you're sad that this chat is from Connor's point of view, there will be another Murphy sibs heart-to-heart down the road from Zoe's but it'll be dealing with something different :) </p>
<p>And then we have Evan. Sweet Evan. He's making some good choices this chapter and we're proud of him, even if he might not make them all the time!</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for everything! I love how much people are enjoying this work and am so thankful for the support! I appreciate just the fact that people are reading this story every week and can truly not thank you enough! I hope you enjoy the chapter and feel free to let me know what you think of everything!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Connor decides to wait until after his birthday to talk things out with Zoe, just in case something was to go wrong. He wanted to apologize to her, and he would, but Evan was coming over today and he didn’t want to make it weird in case Zoe ended up being upset with him. He didn’t want Evan to have to choose between who to hang out with today, even though he knew Evan would probably pick Zoe (he’d probably pick Zoe between the two of them too, so he gets it). But it was his birthday, and he knew Evan would feel guilty about it and he didn’t want to do that. He owed Evan at least one more day of friendship, especially after he helped him yesterday in the bathroom. </p>
<p>But Zoe probably wouldn’t be upset. Hopefully. He was apologizing to her, it’s not like he was going to yell at her. And he didn’t expect her to accept it unless she wanted to, because that’s not how apologies worked. He was prepared for that, even if he really does want her to accept his apology because he meant it. </p>
<p>He <em>was</em> sorry for everything he did to her and he wouldn’t be putting her through that again. And the way Evan was talking yesterday, and the way Zoe had been acting around him, he was fairly confident Zoe would accept and appreciate a real apology. </p>
<p>But because of the small chance it wouldn’t be fine, he honestly didn’t want to ruin his own birthday, the first one since he was little that was likely to be good. So maybe he was selfish, but maybe that was okay for just one more day. </p>
<p>When Evan got to their house, they were going to do a movie marathon with all Connor’s favorite movies, and he was excited to show them to both Zoe and Evan. He had a rather eclectic taste in movies, and he was finally getting a chance to share them. He really thought they were going to have fun today and was it really so bad he wanted that before the big unknown? Connor didn’t think so.</p>
<p>Evan texts them that his mom had to stay at work so he could come over sooner than he originally thought, and Connor offers to come pick him up, but Evan declines, claiming he had one thing to do and that he wanted to walk. Connor was slightly suspicious of his answer, but he lets it go because Zoe doesn’t say anything in the chat about it either, only a sweet “Let us know when you get here :) ”. </p>
<p>But it’s actually okay because it gives Connor time to help his mom set up their family room (as opposed to their formal living room) for the movies, since she said it was necessary. They grab extra pillows and blankets, placing them strategically along the floor and couches. Connor double checks his online queue, making sure all the movies were in the right order, while Cynthia sets up a snack and drink table across their coffee table, filling up bowls of popcorn and chips, and various fancy waters, knowing that they’d probably nibble on that all day before Connor’s birthday dinner. </p>
<p>Connor would probably never tell his mom, but he really liked that they were going all out. It was kind of like he was getting a party and he got his trip yesterday. And he was also pretty positive that Cynthia had gotten him a few things to open after dinner too. Considering he was sure his dad didn’t want him to have anything at all (presents, trips, or parties), he felt pretty lucky that he was getting two things for his birthday. It made him feel happy and special, even though he probably didn’t deserve it. </p>
<p>Connor beats Zoe to the door when Evan texts them that he’s there and when he opens the door, he finds Evan awkwardly holding a small box, looking only slightly more flustered than normal.</p>
<p>“Um, here Connor, happy um, real birthday I guess,” Evan says, pushing the box into his hands as he walks inside. Connor hadn’t been expecting anything else from Evan past his present from yesterday and he’s genuinely shocked. Evan had just pretty much solidified his spot as Connor’s best friend (for as long as he wanted it). He couldn’t believe that Evan thought to do more than what he’d already done, and he doesn’t even know what to do.</p>
<p>He figures he should open the box, seeing how Evan was watching him and Zoe was just coming down the stairs, looking excited (probably for Evan being there, but Connor could believe she was excited he was getting a present). </p>
<p>Just as Connor starts to open his little box, Evan starts to ramble, telling him, “I hope you like it. I was pretty sure you liked chocolate cake, especially since you got chocolate candy yesterday. But maybe that was too much chocolate, I’m sorry if it is. And this isn’t weird either. I got Zoe a cupcake on her birthday too and she said it wasn’t weird, so I got you one too…” </p>
<p>Connor’s certain Evan would keep going, giving him a very detailed explanation of his decision-making process, hoping that Connor would like it, but he didn’t need to because Connor does like it. And he liked that his cupcake was chocolate on chocolate with little red and blue sprinkles on it. But he thinks he likes having a real friend even more, so he very good naturedly interrupts Evan, saying, “It’s great, thank you Evan. I really like it; chocolate is my favorite.” </p>
<p>Connor glances to Zoe and she was smiling at the interaction, and laughing a little over Evan’s ramble, and Connor could tell she knew that Evan was getting him another little gift, probably encouraged it too and it just makes him happy. He was really, really happy and all had to do with the two people surrounding him, his sister and his best friend. </p>
<p>They move quickly to the family room and Connor sets his cupcake on the snack table, deciding that maybe he shouldn’t eat it at 10 in the morning (maybe he’d wait an hour or two for “lunch”), and Connor tells them, “Pick a spot, because we have a lot of movies to cover. They’re all really good.” </p>
<p>“I doubt that, but we’ll watch them anyway since it’s your birthday,” Zoe teases, flopping onto the couch, moving her feet onto Evan’s lap since he had gently sat down right before her. Evan turns a little red but doesn’t tell her to move and Connor thinks it’s probably because he’s worried about being polite, so Connor pushes Zoe’s feet off him as he passes them to sit on the other couch. </p>
<p>Zoe squeals in disapproval and Connor just laughs, Evan joining in just a little, probably laughing at Zoe’s pouty face, eyes narrowing at Connor to simply say, “Rude.” </p>
<p>Connor rolls his eyes at her playfully and pulls up the menu for his first movie. This one he actually wasn’t sure was good but one of his favorite adventure books ever was <em>Ready Player One</em> and they just made a movie of it and he wanted to watch it with Zoe and Evan. He really hopes they did it well, because there was nothing worse than a bad movie based off a book (AN: Or a beloved musical). But they’d find out. </p>
<p>Connor ends up being so engrossed in the movie that he doesn’t even notice that Zoe puts her legs back over Evan’s or either of their faint blushes.</p>
<p>They get up and move around between every movie though, so Connor never really quite notices that Evan and Zoe are almost always lightly touching each other, and he was honestly more concerned about their thoughts on his movies, and the discussion that stemmed from them, watching their interactions wasn’t exactly on his radar.</p>
<p>And he’s not really surprised when Evan really likes all his picks, and he tells Evan he can borrow the books anytime. He’s also not surprised when two and half movies in, Zoe complains that none of them were musicals and begs that they should watch a musical instead. He relents and lets Zoe pick out one, if only because he felt like he owed her some tiny joys (especially considering what he was dropping on her tomorrow). </p>
<p>They end up staying up pretty late, only taking a major break to eat dinner and do dessert and presents with his parents. Unlike Zoe’s pizza bar, Connor had requested his favorite, Cynthia’s good mac and cheese, not the weird vegan replacement and not the boxed kind, but the cheesy gooey baked one,  with the breadcrumbs on top. And it’s perfect and he thinks Evan really likes it too, because he sees him actually eat the seconds Cynthia usually pushed on him. And his birthday cake brings him even more chocolate, which makes him happy too, glad his mom remembered. He even likes his presents (not as much as his sketchbook, but still) and he has a sneaking suspicion that Zoe told his mom what to get. </p>
<p>Connor and Zoe end up driving Evan home around midnight and Connor doesn’t want him to leave. He’d had two really good days in a row, and he didn’t want it to end. He wanted every day to feel this good. And he knows it might not, that tomorrow might end everything when he talked to Zoe, but he knew no matter what, he had to do it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>== </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Around 10 the next morning (Connor had wanted to give Zoe plenty of time to like get up and all that), Connor softly knocks on Zoe’s bedroom door and he hopes she wasn’t doing anything too important. He’d been up for hours, too nervous to sleep, worried about exactly what he should say to Zoe. It wasn’t like a simple “sorry” would cut it. He needed to be specific and sincere and vulnerable, and he was scared of all of those things.</p>
<p>“Hey Zo, can I come in?” Connor asks, knocking again slightly louder when he hears strumming through her door, figuring she hadn’t heard him the first time. She was probably practicing, making up for the lost practice time from always hanging out with him and Evan over the last two weeks. </p>
<p>Connor hears a soft “yeah” through the door, so he gently opens it and closes it again once he’s inside, and he’d been right, Zoe was practicing. She was sitting on her bed, guitar on her lap and sheet music scattered all over her comforter. Connor had always admired how much determination Zoe had and how hard-working she was. If they weren’t actively doing something else, she was practicing. And she’d been like that since they were little, their parents hadn’t made her practice or anything, she had begged for more lessons and more instruments and more of everything that had to do with music. And Connor knew Zoe was good because she was talented, but she was <em>incredible</em> because she tried so hard. </p>
<p>“Hey, can we talk about something?” Connor asks nervously, wringing his hands and looking around for somewhere to sit. He wasn’t sure if he should be close to her, or if distance would be beneficial. He didn’t want to be too close and scare her, but he didn’t want to be like at her desk and so far away that he seemed insincere, that this was something casual. </p>
<p>Zoe looks a little confused as to what Connor could possibly want to talk about, but she sets her guitar down and moves all her music into a pile next to her, patting the clear space, nodding, telling him, “Yeah, what’s up?” </p>
<p>Connor moves to the place on her bed she indicated and sits down, feeling okay with distance Zoe was setting. He was leaning against her footboard, so he wasn’t too close to her, which he’s decided was actually a good thing. </p>
<p>Connor’s quiet for a second, gathering his thoughts on how to start, what he should say exactly, and Zoe must have noticed he was struggling because she offers softly, “Is this about what happened at the boardwalk?” </p>
<p>“Um, yeah, I guess that has a lot to do with it,” Connor starts, still fiddling with his hands, looking down at them instead of her. The boardwalk wasn’t everything, but it was what made him realize that he needed to do more, be better, for Zoe.</p>
<p>“You know it’s okay you were feeling overwhelmed and Evan helped you. Evan’s your friend and he wasn’t even nervous to go find you, he insisted on it actually,” Zoe says, clearly thinking that Connor was embarrassed that he’d run off during their trip and was going to say something to her about it. </p>
<p>Evan insisting on finding him and making sure he was okay was news to him (and he’s once again thankful that he’d managed to make a real friend in Evan), but that wasn’t what this was about. This was about him and her. </p>
<p>“No, no, Zo this isn’t about Evan. Do you know why I ran off to the bathroom so suddenly? It wasn’t because I was sick or anything,” Connor tells her, deciding that maybe he should figure out if she knew she responded in the way she did. Maybe she did and she could get the conversation started, Zoe usually liked to start things anyway. This could work. </p>
<p>“Um, not really. Does it matter?” Zoe asks, once again confused, not sure where Connor was going if this wasn’t about Evan getting him or feeling sick. And there went Connor’s plan. He would have to tell her everything, apologize for everything. But he could do it. He could give himself a second chance if she could. </p>
<p>“Yeah it does. Um, when I turned to show you guys something, you flinched away from me like you were terrified of me hitting you,” Connor tells her, taking a deep breath and looking up from his hands to look at Zoe, who looked confused again, like she didn’t remember doing that at all. </p>
<p>But she doesn’t say anything, so Connor catches her eyeline again and keeps going, “And it made me realize, well Evan helped me realize, that I needed to talk to you about it. I need to apologize for everything I’ve ever done to you. I’ve never explicitly told you I’m sorry, but I am.” </p>
<p>Connor can see Zoe’s eyes getting misty and she looks away from him, down to her own lap, probably thinking about how she never thought this would happen, that she’d never get an apology from him. But he still had so much more to go, he’d barely scratched the surface. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry I was always yelling at you, that I still do sometimes. I’m sorry that I’ve made it hard to live here. I’m sorry for damaging our relationship even more after each time you tried to help me, to reach out to me,” Connor says earnestly, hoping that Zoe would look at him again. And she does, but the mist in her eyes has turned into real tears, ones she couldn’t hold back by blinking. And he hates it. Hates that he’s waited so long. Hates that his little sister was crying because of him. </p>
<p>“Connor…” Zoe starts, sniffling and wiping her face with the palms of her hands, blinking even more to try and say something to him. But he wasn’t going to let her, not yet anyway. He still had to apologize for the biggest thing yet. The one thing he should have apologized for the moment he’d gotten home from rehab. </p>
<p>“No, I’m not done,” Connor says watching as Zoe looked him in the eye once more, probably knowing exactly where he was going, so he goes there, telling her, “And I’m sorry most of all, I regret it every day, that I was so high and angry that day. I shouldn’t have, but… you followed me upstairs after I stormed out of the room with dad and I pushed you. I…I don’t even remember doing it and I didn’t think we were even that close to the stairs, but we were. And you fell.” </p>
<p>Zoe was crying again, letting the tears stream down her face, making no attempt at this point to blink them back or wipe them away and Connor wants to hug her, to tell her he’d protect her from anything that might hurt her like he used to do when they were little. But he couldn’t protect her from himself. <em>He</em> was the one who hurt her the most. </p>
<p>Connor starts to tear up himself, remembering how he just stood there, doing nothing as Zoe fell down their staircase. He couldn’t believe what he’d done, that he could’ve done that to her. </p>
<p>“I just stood there; I didn’t do anything. And then you were lying there at the bottom Zoe, and you hit your head, and I thought, I thought you were dead. I thought I killed you. You weren’t moving at all and I finally got it together and started freaking out. It was like I was more sober than I’ve ever been in my life and I ran to you. I had to know if my worst nightmare came true,” Connor tells her, remembering how afraid he’d been. He didn’t know what he would’ve done if Zoe hadn’t ended up being okay, how he would’ve lived with himself. He probably wouldn’t have. </p>
<p>“And that’s when Dad came in and he started screaming at me and pushing me away from you and he just knew it was me who hurt you, that it was all my fault. I never wanted to hurt you Zo, and I am so sorry that I did. I don’t think there’ll ever be enough ways to say I’m sorry to you, but I am,” Connor says, using his shirt sleeve to wipe away his own tears, upset with himself for crying. He shouldn’t be, he wasn’t the one who had to relive being pushed down a staircase by their sibling. He wasn’t the one who endured years of emotional mistreatment. He wasn’t the one who got to be upset. </p>
<p>But he was. He was mad at every little thing he’d ever done to make things harder for Zoe. He was mad that he cheated himself from a friend for years. He was mad at all the terrible decisions he’d ever made, up until now. This might be the only good one he’s ever made. </p>
<p>“And I’d promised myself that I’d never hurt you again, in any way, but I realized how garbage that was if you weren’t part of that promise. So I’m promising you right now, that I’ll never touch drugs again and that I’ll never hurt you like that again. I can’t exactly promise you that I won’t yell or fight with Dad, but I can promise you that I’m trying. And I’ll always try for you,” Connor tells her, watching how Zoe wiped her tears away once more, the look one her face going from forlorn to appreciative, even managing to give Connor the smallest smile.</p>
<p>He doesn’t know why he’d been so worried that this was going to go badly, maybe because he was anticipating what he would’ve done. He wasn’t forgiving and he barely had any emotional control, and he hated that about himself. If their roles had been flipped, he knows he wouldn’t have forgiven Zoe. Maybe a small part of him didn’t want her to forgive him, because he didn’t think he deserved it. He didn’t think he deserved any of the good things that happened to him.</p>
<p>“Thank you Connor, for all of this, but I need you to know that you didn’t push me, you don’t need to carry that around with you,” Zoe says, her voice calm and steady, even though she’d been crying. </p>
<p>“No, I did though. You just don’t remember and it’s okay you don’t need to make things up for me Zo. I deserve to feel terrible, I did something terrible to you,” Connor starts, prepared to list more of the reasons why Zoe didn’t need to cover things up for him or sugarcoat anything or honestly even forgive him at all, but before he can keep going, Zoe interrupts him, saying, “Connor, stop. Listen to me.” </p>
<p>Connor stops his listing and figures he’d talked enough anyway, if Zoe had something to say, he needed to not only listen to her, but <em>hear</em> her. He owed her that. </p>
<p>“You didn’t push me Connor. You even said it yourself, you don’t remember doing it, because you didn’t. I may not remember everything from right after I fell, but I remember from before and I know you didn’t touch me. It was an accident Connor; it wasn’t your fault,” Zoe tells him, scooting a little closer to Connor and looking him in the eye again, any previous feelings replaced with her typical determination, like she’d do anything to make sure Connor understood, that he knew. </p>
<p>And Connor really can’t grasp what was happening right now. It hadn’t been his fault? He knew for a fact he’d emotionally hurt her, but he hadn’t physically hurt her too? Everything he thought over the summer wasn’t true? It couldn’t be. </p>
<p>“I lost my footing and just slipped. I mean I guess I was going a little faster because I was coming up after you, I just wanted to try to help you calm down, that’s not on you Con. It could have happened to any of us I suppose,” Zoe says rationally, wanting Connor to know exactly what had happened from her perspective. She even tries to take his hand, but Connor pulls away, he didn’t think he was ready to touch her or have someone touch him yet. It seems like Zoe understands because she nods a little and stops, but doesn’t move further away from him, letting him know she wasn’t scared or offended by Connor pulling back. </p>
<p>“But Dad was yelling at me, he said it was my fault. He told me that I did it, that I pushed you. He told me that unless I got my act together and agreed to go to rehab that night that I wasn’t going to be allowed home. He said he’d never let a drug-using fuck up ever hurt his daughter again,” Connor tells Zoe, remembering exactly how horrible his dad had been, how horrible he still was to him. Had his dad known the whole time that he hadn’t actually done anything to Zoe? </p>
<p>Zoe could see the pain all over Connor’s face, he wasn’t trying to hide it, and if he looked up to her, he would see that hers mirrored his, that her heart was breaking just as much as his. </p>
<p>“But Zoe, I already made my decision, I didn’t get better because he made me. I did it for you, I did it for me, not because he threatened me. We left before you and Mom even came home that night,” Connor says suddenly, not wanting Zoe to think that he only agreed to go to rehab to stay at their house or because of Larry. He <em>needed</em> her to know that he made that decision on his own. He could deal with the stuff about Larry with Dr. Darren, right now he needed to focus on him and Zoe, even if they maybe could have been doing this sooner if Connor hadn’t been led to believe a different story. </p>
<p>Zoe looks shocked, but somehow Connor can tell it’s not because she was surprised that he decided to get clean on his own, but like he was still missing a part of the story. Zoe clearly hadn’t known what their dad had been telling Connor.</p>
<p>“No, no, I remember telling them it was an accident. Dad was driving and Mom was there. And things are a little hazy, but I swear I tried to tell them it was an accident. Maybe they didn’t understand or didn’t believe me, I don’t know, but I tried Connor. And we didn’t go home that night. Mom insisted I stay for observation at the hospital even though I kept telling them I was okay. And Dad left once, but then he came back, and I didn’t know, they didn’t tell me anything. When I got home you were just gone Con,” Zoe says, her voice getting thick like she was going to start crying again. </p>
<p>And he doesn’t know what to do, how to comfort her. He’d always assumed their parents told her that he was in rehab and she never visited because she didn’t want to see him. He thought she would’ve been glad that he was gone, that she’d had a peaceful, almost vacation like time when he'd been away.</p>
<p>“They wouldn’t tell me where you were or when you were coming home even though I was asking. They wouldn’t let me talk about you at all. I thought they knew it was an accident this whole time,” Zoe tells him, and Connor can see her starting to shake a little, overwhelmed and even though he’s not sure he was ready to have contact, he knows Zoe needs it, so he offers her his hand, not wanting to scare her by trying to hug her. Zoe takes his hand appreciatively and takes a minute to calm herself down. </p>
<p>“All summer I wanted to tell you that it wasn’t your fault, but things were going so much better than they had in a long time and you were finally clean. I didn’t want to make anything weird or ruin anything. I didn’t want to stress you out or make you think about using again, and you hadn’t brought it up to me, so I just thought you wanted to move on. I was okay with that,” Zoe tells him, and Connor hadn’t known all that. He didn’t know Zoe had been wanting to reach out to him all summer but was just as unsure as he was. He’d thought she hadn’t said anything because she was scared of him. </p>
<p>“No, right when I came back, I wanted to talk to you too and I should have. I should have apologized to you sooner. But I was the one who was scared. I didn’t know why you weren’t talking to me about it. I thought maybe you trying to appease me or something, that you were scared of me hurting you again. So I did the worst thing by doing nothing,” Connor says, squeezing her hand just a little. He wanted her to know that he’d felt this way for a long time, just didn’t know how to bring it up to her.  </p>
<p>“It’s okay, we’re doing it now and that’s better than never,” Zoe starts, and Connor can’t help but laugh a teeny bit, remembering that’s exactly what Evan said too and Zoe gets a weird look on her face, so he explains, “Sorry Evan just said the exact same thing when we were in the bathroom.” </p>
<p>That makes Zoe smile a little too, knowing her and Evan were comforting Connor in the same way, but she goes back to serious to tell him, “And I promise you Connor, I forgave you a long time ago and I’m not afraid of you. But the same way you can’t promise me you won’t fight with Dad; I can’t promise you that my body won’t react to sudden movements or flinch when I hear yelling or any of those like visceral reactions. I can’t really help that because it did scare me when you and Dad would fight, and you were so angry. But please know, I don’t think you’ll hurt me, and I’ve never thought that.” </p>
<p>Connor nods, accepting what Zoe was saying. He couldn’t just expect her to drop all of her lived experiences and change the way she automatically responded to things, but he could believe her when she said she was trying. He wanted her to believe the same of him too.</p>
<p>“But I’m also not saying that the things you used to say to me didn’t hurt, they did, just in a different way. And I know you were high, but I don’t know, it hurt just the same. But I guess that’s what Dr. Darren is for, we work on that sometimes,” Zoe admits to him, and Connor understands that. The same thing he thought two days ago was still true, things weren’t going to be magically better because they were talking now, but maybe they could be, eventually.</p>
<p>“I didn’t mean any of it, but it doesn’t change the fact I said it. I’m really sorry, for all of it Zoe,” Connor tells her, squeezing her hand again gently before letting go, setting his hands back in his lap. He still felt a little overwhelmed and he thinks maybe Zoe did too, but she wasn’t shaking and neither of them were crying, so Connor thinks that’s quite an improvement. </p>
<p>And Zoe gives him a watery smile, and Connor can just tell that it was her accepting his apology, especially when she adds, “I like that we’re friends now, it reminds me of when we were little, and it makes me happy.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I like us being friends too. I like hanging out with you and I like hanging out as a group with Evan. It makes me less scared about school starting soon, knowing that I have you two,” Connor tells her, figuring if they were in a sharing mood, he could talk to her a little bit about school. He really didn’t want to go back, and he didn’t want to go back feeling so alone. It was the main reason he’d reached out to Evan in the hospital, he wanted someone at school to talk to, even if that’s all they had ended up being to each other.</p>
<p>“Yeah, me too,” Zoe says quietly, and Connor’s positive she was aware of the confused look on his face. Zoe being scared of school? That didn’t make any sense. People talked to her, not <em>about</em> her. She got good grades. She did an afterschool activity. She was the perfect example of someone thriving in high school. </p>
<p>“You’re worried about school? Why? You have friends and people like you,” Connor says, still genuinely confused. He’d never had friends and had always hated school, a place where that fact was made even more apparent. People bullied him for fun, refused to be his partner for projects, spread rumors about him, every terrible thing you could think of, had probably happened to Connor during high school. He couldn’t even fathom Zoe having a similar experience. </p>
<p>“I guess, but not really. People have always been kind of mean too, more in high school than in like middle school really. I have a couple of girls in band who I talk to, but I don’t think I’m their close friend. I saw on Instagram that they all had a sleepover last week and no one told me about it, they’ve been doing stuff like that all summer,” Zoe tells him sadly and he hated when he made her sad, but other people making her sad? That was completely unacceptable. And he hates that he never noticed it before. It never crossed his mind that Zoe never really went anywhere all summer, just stayed in her room and practiced. It wasn’t until they met Evan that either of them actually started doing anything but their hobbies and going to therapy. </p>
<p>“Were they the same girls who you had over for your birthday last year? Who you sit with at lunch? They’re not your friends?” Connor asks her, his tone a mix of confusion, anger, and disbelief. He had seen the very girls in question at their house and at school and he never would have thought that they were mean to Zoe. And it’s not like he didn’t believe her, he was just so confused. Why would they be nice to her at school, then not want to be her friend outside of school? At least no one pretended to be his friend because somehow that seems way worse.  </p>
<p>“I mean, I guess not. I guess I’m more of a band friend really. It’s not that they’re outright mean to me, it’s that I guess I wasn’t quite worth keeping in the summer circle. It was like that last summer too. I was honestly surprised when they came over for my birthday last year. I only did it because Mom was pushing me to do <em>something</em> because she felt bad we weren’t doing a trip, and I didn’t have anyone to ask but them. And it was fine, so it’ll probably be fine when school starts again. I still probably talk to them at band and sit with them at lunch depending on what lunch period we have. It’s not hard to keep things the same when you know your place in the group,” Zoe says, looking away from Connor and rubbing at her eyes. And he knows she’s taking deep breaths to keep from crying again. She was probably fed up with crying so much. </p>
<p>How could he have missed this? He’d been so caught up with himself he didn’t see that him and Zoe were struggling with so many of the same things. He’d carelessly let himself think that she had tons of friends, was well liked by everyone especially the kids in band and was teetering on “popular” even. It fit into his own narrative better, so he went with it. And he wishes he would have looked deeper, asked her sooner. </p>
<p>And he hates these girls. How dare they be mean to his little sister. Who did they think they were? Because he knew without a doubt that Zoe was better than all of them. A better person, a better musician, a better friend, just all around better. He wasn’t going to get her go another year of school feeling excluded, not when she had him back and not when they both had Evan. </p>
<p>“They’re not worth your time, so don’t think for a minute you need to settle for being in their periphery. You know who we have who’s worth our time? Evan. We’ll all sit together at lunch and we’ll actually have fun. We can’t really help with band, but we can do lunch. And if we’re not in your lunch period, we’ll just ditch to sit with you,” Connor tells her, trying to give her a small smile, trying to make her feel not so alone. Make her feel even the slightest bit better.</p>
<p>And it works because Zoe starts to laugh, asking, “You think you’re going to get Evan to ditch a class with you?” </p>
<p>And yeah, maybe it was a little far fetched to believe that Evan would ditch class, but in the two weeks they’d been friends he’d figured out that he shouldn’t underestimate Evan. Just because he had anxiety didn’t mean he wasn’t capable. And Connor could be persuasive if he wanted to. Maybe they’d both surprise Zoe, and Connor bets Evan wouldn’t mind not being in class in order to hang out with them. </p>
<p>“You never know, he might. But I guess it’d be the same if we’re together and Evan’s alone, we could ditch for him,” Connor tells her, knowing that in the same way he didn’t want Zoe to feel alone in her group of fake friends, he didn’t want Evan to feel alone either. And he hopes they would maybe do the same thing if they were together and he was left out. None of them deserved to feel alone this year. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I’d probably do that for the first day. But we could always just get our schedules switched, that way we all have the same lunch and I bet you and Evan will have some overlapping classes,” Zoe says, giving a more rational solution, one that didn’t involve any of them missing class on a regular basis, much to Connor’s dislike. </p>
<p>“Yeah I guess that’s a better idea. I just don’t want any of us to feel so alone, it seems like we’ve all had enough of that,” Connor says, hoping it might cheer Zoe up. He wanted her to know that he really was trying, and part of that involved school not sucking for either of them. </p>
<p>“Until next year. I wish you guys weren’t seniors or that I wasn’t a junior,” Zoe says, leaning back against her pile of pillows. And Connor hadn’t thought of that either. He only had one year of stupid school left, but Zoe had two. </p>
<p>But actually, he might have two too. They got something in the mail the other day saying Connor needed to meet with the academic advisor when school started, and Connor knew that probably wasn’t for anything positive. Chances were it had to do with how much school he’d skipped last year. </p>
<p>“Well who even knows if I’ll end up having enough credits to even graduate. I missed a lot of school last year and couldn’t do summer school because of rehab, so I might be right there with you next year,” Connor tells her, fiddling with his hands, somewhat embarrassed that he might have to repeat a year, but he wouldn’t know for sure until him (and he was assuming his mom, he did not want his dad there) talked with the school. </p>
<p>“No don’t say that, Connor. Evan and I will make sure you graduate. Maybe you could take like an online class to make up credits, and we could help with that. And it’s not like you’re not smart, in the words of those cheesy school motivation posters, you just need to apply yourself,” Zoe says, catching his eyes, probably so that he knew she didn’t say anything about next year to make him feel bad, and that she really would help him if he needed it. </p>
<p>“No I know, maybe this year will actually be better. And you know most of the time when I skipped last year, I wasn’t even high, I just didn’t want to be there. Kids are really mean and it’s hard being the one they always come after. I don’t even do anything, and they still bully me,” Connor admits, remembering that he truly usually wasn’t high when he’d skip school, he’d get high after he left, but he always tried to go to school, it was always just too much for him. And it wasn’t even all that fair that he only left because the environment was toxic, but he was the only one in trouble. Why weren’t all the kids who pushed him to the edge getting in trouble too? Where was their academic probation? </p>
<p>“Hey, it really will be better this year. You have me and you have Evan. And I’ll do my best to stick up for you, since I have a feeling that won’t really be Evan’s forte, but I know he’ll remind you that whatever they’re saying isn’t true,” Zoe tells him, and it makes Connor feel a little bit better about it all. This year would be different than any other and he thinks that’s true for him, Zoe, and Evan. And he’s actually kind of excited for that. </p>
<p>“Yeah, we can do that for each other. And I’m sorry I didn’t know you were having a hard time too Zo,” Connor says, still feeling a little bad that he didn’t realize how much Zoe was hurting at home and at school. </p>
<p>“No offense Connor, but how would you have known? The two years I’ve been in high school, we barely spoke to each other. And it’s pretty easy to hide it all. If you smile and get good grades and go to band, no one says anything ‘cause everyone just assumes you’re fine. It’s why I practice so much. It’s the only thing I had to do before we met Evan and started hanging out,” Zoe admits to him, confirming what he’d thought previously about her not doing anything all summer, not because she was just <em>so</em> dedicated, but because she didn’t have many options. </p>
<p>“I didn’t think too much about it because I thought you were practicing for auditions, to make first chair, I’m sorry Zoe,” Connor says guiltily, knowing it wasn’t a good answer even though it’d been true at the time. </p>
<p>“I mean I do, but I guess it’s an easy goal to have when you have nothing else to do but practice,” Zoe says, and Connor thinks she looks conflicted, wondering if she should have hidden away in her music all summer or said something sooner. </p>
<p>And he’s not exactly sure what to say to make her feel better, but he knows Zoe was the best one in band and she deserved that spot and she deserved to have the rest of the summer to be as fun as possible. And he wants to enjoy the last little bit of summer with her too. </p>
<p>“First off, you’re going to make first chair because you’re way better than all those losers in band. Second, I’m sorry we didn’t get to do more over the summer, I should have talked to you sooner about all this, but we have some time left and I think we could do a lot and with Evan too. Especially if we keep convincing him that we can buy him things. Maybe we could go to the movies or like the mall or something, I don’t really know. But our birthday trip was really fun so we should do more things like that,” Connor tells her, laughing a bit because he knew it would be hard to convince Evan of that, but also because he wants to cheer Zoe up. And if they did more stuff like they had been doing, then they’d have the most fun three weeks any of them had probably ever had.  </p>
<p>“Yeah our birthday was fun, I’d like to do more stuff like that. And I bet I could convince Evan, you’ll see,” Zoe says smiling again, like she was happy that Evan and Connor got on so well. And Connor doesn’t even expect it, but suddenly Zoe is hugging him and whispers, “I’m really glad I have you back.” </p>
<p>While her hug takes him by surprise, he does hug her back, feeling better than he did earlier about being close to her, and after a beat he breaks away from her and softly says back, “Me too, Zo. Me too.” </p>
<p>He’s really glad he talked to her and he’s more thankful than he’s ever been that he hadn’t actually pushed her like he’d thought. He still had a lot to make up for in the other ways that he’d hurt her, but that somehow felt doable now. He feels so much closer to her now, and eventually they might even be closer than they were as kids. It makes him feel hopeful about what was to come. He loved his little sister, and he was determined to show her that. </p>
<p>“Now I know I did interrupt your practicing, and I don’t really have a good ear like you, but um, if you didn’t want to practice alone, if you wanted someone to listen, I can. We have time before Evan comes over. But only if you want to,” Connor offers, not completely sure that she’d want to practice more, knowing that she used it to cope with feeling alone all summer. But maybe if he was there it’d be like when Evan was there too, and she could play for an audience? Make practicing something she did for fun again. </p>
<p>“Sure. Um, I’m going back and forth between these two for guitar. You can tell me which you like better,” Zoe says getting off her bed and grabbing her guitar once more, rifling through her stack of sheet music. While Zoe was getting ready, Connor gets off her bed too, moving to her desk chair and wheeling it a little closer to the bed. He felt more comfortable with a little distance now that they were moving on from their deeper conversation. He could be more casual now and that meant spinning in her chair while she played. </p>
<p>Connor stays and listens to Zoe play for the rest of the morning. He didn’t know too much about music, so he mostly gives her compliments because it sounded good to him, but he does manage to give her a few good points of feedback that Zoe said were helpful, so he’s proud of that too. And he can’t get over how nice it is to spend time together, just the two of them, for more than just a car ride home. He can see them doing more of it and he doesn’t think he’s looked forward to something more. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>== </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Despite wanting to head over to Zoe and Connor’s early, Evan was taking the morning to see his mom since she hadn’t actually been able to come home yesterday morning like she’d said. But Evan wasn’t too upset because it gave him time yesterday to go to the store on his own again to get Connor’s birthday cupcake. And he was proud of himself for doing it, it’d been even easier than when he went for Zoe. It made him happy that little things that used to feel impossible were getting easier for him to do. He still had to make a list and plan out his every move, but he’d done it and that was better than not doing anything at all. </p>
<p>And since it hadn’t been hot and he honestly wanted some alone time (it was actually kind of hard going from being alone all the time to seeing people every day) he’d declined Connor’s offer to come get him, deciding to walk instead. And before Connor could insist, Zoe had stepped in, agreeing with Evan which he appreciated. She’d done the same thing when they were getting coffees before the boardwalk. She was taking his answers and just accepting them, not pushing him, or making him feel like he had to defend decisions. It was something no one had really done for him before and it made him feel <em>seen</em>. Or understood. Maybe even loved. But that was probably stretching it. Regardless he appreciated it and it was growing to be one of his favorite things Zoe did. </p>
<p>That and the way she seemed to always be close to him, and not in a weird hovering way, but in a comforting, dare he say flirty way. Like yesterday, when they’d been watching movies, she’d set her legs over his lap when they were on the couch and when she moved to the floor, she’d set her head gently against his knee. And Evan really liked it. Even if she didn’t mean it in a flirty way, Evan took it as her being completely comfortable around him, that she trusted him. </p>
<p>And that was worth everything to him. </p>
<p>But he was happy that he was able to use his walk alone to really think about some other things too, not just daydream about Zoe. He thought about his talk with Connor in the bathroom, he thought about some of the music Zoe had shared with him, and he thought about everything else that had happened over the summer, and all those led him into deciding that he needed to talk to his mom again about therapy. He was willing to give it a shot, at least once, just to see. </p>
<p>It was nice to talk to Connor about how he’d been feeling on Friday and it was nice to talk to Zoe about what her songs meant a little bit. And if he was getting better by just being around them, maybe his anxiety would go away completely if he was talking to a therapist (Evan knew that wasn’t likely, but maybe it would just be less). Maybe he could set himself up for a really good year. And it was way less scary knowing that Connor and Zoe went too. So Evan thought he should just try. </p>
<p>And he knew he could talk to Zoe and Connor about some things, he already had a little bit, but there were some very obvious things he couldn’t tell them. Honestly, he probably wouldn’t tell a therapist about his attempt either, but maybe he could talk a little bit about why he felt that way. Feeling isolated. Feeling pressured by school. Feeling like he just didn’t matter. </p>
<p>And maybe they would know about medication too. Maybe they would know why it was supposed to help him but didn’t. Maybe they’d tell Evan he didn’t even need it (although he probably did). </p>
<p>Maybe they could talk about why he felt like he didn’t actually deserve the two friends he made, but at the same time he felt like they were the best thing to happen to him. He never wanted to give them up, but he was constantly wondering when they were going to give him up. And what was worse was he thought it’d be completely understandable if they didn’t want to be his friend anymore, that he wasn’t really worth their friendship to begin with. But why did he think any of that to begin with? How truly unstable was he? </p>
<p>He went from trying to kill himself to buying things in stores on his own, going on rollercoasters, holding Zoe freaking Murphy’s hand, and all the almost two weeks he’d known the Murphy’s. Was that normal or completely unhinged? He wasn’t sure and he wanted to stop doubting himself so much. </p>
<p>He didn’t want to think about all the ways their friendship could end, he wanted to feel secure and confident. He wanted more than he had now and maybe that was him being selfish, but maybe it was a sign that he could grow, that be could be a better version of himself. Maybe.  </p>
<p>Evan’s only concern really was how much therapy might cost. He knew cost wasn’t an issue for Zoe and Connor, so they got to be a little more picky with who they saw. What if the only people he could afford to see, he didn’t like? What if he found someone he really liked, and they didn’t take their insurance? Did insurance even cover therapy? He had no idea when it came to any of that. </p>
<p>But would he be putting more stress on his mom by adding more bills in addition to his hospital bill? Or would it be worth it to spend the money for him to feel better and a little confident? Would his mom think it was worth it, that he was worth the money?</p>
<p>And maybe he could help cut down on any of their other bills. He wasn’t really home that much anymore, and neither was his mom, so their like power bill couldn’t be that much. And they could probably cut back on groceries too, because even with Evan trying to eat more, he still didn’t really eat a lot. And the meals he did eat were usually at the Murphy’s too. </p>
<p>Which kind of made him feel weird, like he was using them somehow. Like they felt obligated to feed him because he was always over there. But Cynthia was so nice about and always trying to push seconds on him or ask him if he wanted to take food home with him. She’d even started to gently offer him other things that she “happened to pick up” when she was getting things for Connor and Zoe. </p>
<p>And he wasn’t sure what to make of it all because he kind of thought that maybe Cynthia knew he was poor from his appearance and felt like doing charity work. But maybe it was like Connor said, she’d do anything to keep Connor having a friend. Or maybe she was just nice and thought he’d like things the same as Zoe and Connor. Maybe he just needed to stop being paranoid and be grateful for other people’s kindness. Maybe therapy could help with that too. </p>
<p>Evan was surprisingly up before his mom, but she’d basically worked seventy-two hours straight, so Evan was glad she was getting to sleep. But she would probably be up soon, so Evan decides to start her coffee for her. It wasn’t that hard, and he didn’t think he could mess it up too badly, that maybe she’d appreciate the gesture.</p>
<p>And he thinks about making her something to eat too, but he honestly doesn’t what his mom liked to eat in the morning, and if he was being even more honest, he didn’t want to turn the stove on because it still kind of freaked him out. He’d made a lot of strides recently, but his fear of cooking things was not one of them.</p>
<p>But coffee was easy, all he had to do was add water and add a few scoops of ground coffee and then press the ‘on’ switch. Evan moves to the counter top and scrolls through all his saved photos on his phone, getting excited to show his mom while the coffee’s brewing. Zoe had sent him every single one she’d taken and he loved all of them. </p>
<p>By the time the coffee is done, Evan hears Heidi’s door open, letting him know she was awake. Heidi comes into the kitchen, shocked to not only find Evan awake, but that he’d also brewed a pot of coffee for her too. </p>
<p>“Good morning Evan, you didn’t have to make me coffee honey, but that’s so sweet, thank you,” Heidi says ruffling his hair as she walked by him to grab a mug. </p>
<p>“Yeah, um, I thought we could maybe sit and I could show you those pictures from the trip and we could just talk for a bit,” Evan tells her, setting his phone down, but not before scrolling all the way back to the beginning in preparation to show his mom. </p>
<p>“Yeah that’d be great. I know we were supposed to yesterday, but they just needed me to stay late and then with my next shift starting so soon, it just wasn’t going to be possible to make it home and back in time. It happens sometimes and you know I just want to be seen as a team player, someone who’s dependable,” Heidi says, pouring the coffee and grabbing cream from the fridge, and Evan thought she might just keep explaining why she wasn’t home yesterday, like a cover-up excuse for possibly not being here today either. Was she getting ready to tell him that she had to leave soon for work? </p>
<p>“Mom, um, it’s really okay, I get it. But we’re here now unless you have to go soon?” Evan asks, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice. It was so hard to get excited about things with Heidi because as soon as he was ready to share something with her, she left him. </p>
<p>“No, no. I have the time I promise. Right now, all for you. Now tell me how did Zoe and Connor like their presents?” Heidi says, patting Evan’s shoulder and taking a seat next to Evan in the other bar stool. </p>
<p>Evan can’t help but smile just a little, glad he’d been wrong about his mom having to leave, that he’d get to tell her all about their trip and the presents and how wonderful it all had been. He unlocks his phone as he tells her, “They loved them Mom. Zoe told me she wasn’t ever going to take her necklace off and that she loved it. She told me I did a really good job.” </p>
<p>Evan shows Heidi some of the selfies that Zoe had taken while the boys had been talking about part of the podcast (Zoe really had sent every photo from that day that she’d taken). Evan loved the pictures of her because the lighting in the car emphasized her freckles and perfectly showed her necklace, the sun making the rhinestone sparkle even more.</p>
<p>“And Connor, Connor loved his sketchbook too. He brought it with him to beach and even started sketching something in it already. He told me yesterday that it was his favorite present he’d gotten,” Evan beams, setting his phone down momentarily because he didn’t have a picture of Connor to show Heidi. </p>
<p>“Oh Evan, that’s great. See, I told you they would like them. You put a lot of thought into them and it showed,” Heidi says smiling at him, clearing happy that Evan was happy.</p>
<p>“Yeah I don’t even know what was better, watching them as they opened them or their reactions afterwards. Connor and Zoe reacted so differently, but they both were so happy. And they were surprised. I don’t know, it was just really cool to see them both like something that I picked out,” Evan tells her, remembering how easy it was to tell Zoe liked her necklace but slighter harder to tell with Connor because he’d been a bit stunned and couldn’t say anything at first. </p>
<p>“Well, what about the boardwalk, what did you guys do there?” Heidi asks, sipping her coffee slowly, enjoying it. Evan doesn’t think he’s ever seen her do that and it makes him feel better. Like he didn’t have to rush through anything, that his mom was here to listen for as long as he had something to say. </p>
<p>“I think the boardwalk may have been the best part, or maybe the beach, actually I don’t know what was best, but the boardwalk was so cool. We went on all the rides Mom, even the rollercoasters, look Zoe took some pictures of me and Connor,” Evan tells her, talking quickly from excitement rather than anxiety for probably the first time ever, grabbing his phone and sliding through the photos for her.</p>
<p>The first one is one of Connor and Evan both screaming, clearly for two different reasons. Evan looked terrified and Connor looked overjoyed. It makes Heidi laugh a little which prompts Evan to explain more, “I know I look scared, but I wasn’t. Well, I wasn’t afterwards, and we even went on it again. We probably went on everything twice. I never even knew I liked rides until now.”</p>
<p>“And oh my gosh, Mom we got the best candy from this little store,” Evan says, not even giving his mom a chance to respond before swiping through more photos to find another one of Zoe, sillily holding her bag that was even bigger than her head, adding eagerly, “Zoe loves gummies, and the pineapple bears are her favorite. But Connor loves chocolate and I really only got sour candy, so we got kind of a bit of everything. It was nice because we all kind of shared too. I even tried some new stuff that I never had before!” </p>
<p>“It sounds like you had a wonderful time,” Heidi says, patting Evan’s shoulder again lovingly, and Evan doesn’t think he’s seen her this happy in a long time. And proud. Heidi looked proud of him. He couldn’t wait to tell her he bought something again on his own, something for himself too. </p>
<p>“We really did. After candy we went through all these cool local shops and I got this frame. Actually no, let me go get it so you can see Mom,” Evan says, quickly hopping off the bar stool and running to his room. He’d set up the frame on his nightstand even though he didn’t have a picture for it. But that was okay, Zoe said she’d help him pick one out and help him print it. Maybe they’d do that this week.</p>
<p>When Evan comes back, he can see his mom had grabbed his phone and was swiping through more photos on her own. And it looked like she was wiping away tears. Was she upset about something? Had Evan done something wrong? Was she mad he spent money on a frame and didn’t save it instead? He knew he should have given it back to her, but he’d seen the frame and just really wanted something from that day to remember. He hadn’t thought it’d make his mom cry. </p>
<p>“Mom, are you okay? Did I do something wring? I know the money you gave me was supposed to be for lunch, but Zoe and Connor wouldn’t let me pay for lunch or the candy, so I got this frame instead, to put one of the pictures in. I’m sorry I didn’t ask first. I can’t really take it back though,” Evan says dejectedly. He’d thought his mom would be mostly okay with it, but he shouldn't have assumed anything. If they were really that short on money, maybe he shouldn’t bring up therapy either, because that would definitely be more than a frame. </p>
<p>“Oh no, Evan you’re fine. I’m so glad you picked out something for yourself, it’s really lovely. And that’s very nice they bought you lunch and everything,” Heidi says, gently taking it from his hands to look closer. Heidi sets it down and wipes away the remnants of her light tears and tells him, “I’m not sad at all. I, I, you, you just look so <em>happy</em> in these pictures Evan and it just makes me so happy for you. I know it hasn’t been easy, but I’m so proud of you and I just don’t know what else to say.” </p>
<p>“Oh. Okay,” is all Evan can really manage to say after he sits back down next to her. He hadn’t expected any of that. He’d automatically assumed the worst because that’s how he felt it usually went. But his mom was happy enough to cry for him. And the negative little voice in his head keeps telling him it’s because he set the bar so low, that having a normal day at the beach with friends was enough to overwhelm his mom, that it was so shocking he could be normal that Heidi couldn’t handle it. </p>
<p>But he shakes those thoughts away. His mom was happy for him, end of story. That’s all he needed to focus on. </p>
<p>“I’m happy you have them, that they’ve been such good friends to you Evan, I really am,” Heidi tells him, setting her arm around him lightly, probably unsure if Evan would want a full hug, but giving him a tiny squeeze anyway before sitting back and grabbing her coffee again. </p>
<p>“Yeah me too,” Evan says quietly. He would be eternally grateful and happy that they’d found him. That when he thought no one would hear him, they did. </p>
<p>“So what else did you guys get up to? And you saw Connor for his actual birthday yesterday too, right?” Heidi asks, bringing them back to the main point, how Evan had celebrated the Murphy’s birthdays with them. </p>
<p>“We went to the beach after the boardwalk and just hung out and Zoe took way more pictures. Her phone has like a timer on it so she could set it down and then come be in the picture too, it was really, really cool, see,” Evan tells Heidi, taking his phone back and swiping through the camera roll again, unknowingly pointing out details about Zoe in each one. </p>
<p>“And what about for Connor’s birthday?” Heidi asks again, knowing Evan had spent the entire day with them yesterday too. Evan’s glad she was asking more questions, that she was interested in what he was saying, what he was doing with his time. Evan really hoped they would get to keep doing this together. </p>
<p>“Yesterday we watched all of Connor’s favorite movies, and one of Zoe’s because she begged. But one of Connor’s picks was in French with like subtitles and it was kind of weird but also really cool at the same time, you know? And Connor can speak French, like actually speak it,” Evan says proudly showing that he was learning more and more about his friends. </p>
<p>“That 's wonderful sweetie, maybe he could teach you sometime, that could be fun,” Heidi offers, which Evan thinks is a little odd, because he didn’t know if friends taught each other things like that, but even if Connor offered, he wouldn’t say yes. Talking regularly was hard enough and he knew it got even worse when he tried in another language, if his pitiful Spanish grade was any indication. </p>
<p>“Um probably not. I mean Spanish is already hard enough and I can’t switch language tracks. It sucks that Connor’s in French because I know it’s one class we won’t have together. I’m hoping our schedules line up, it’ll make going back to school easier I think,” Evan says leaving the topic of birthdays and bringing up something he was nervous about. Maybe it’d be a good segue into talking about therapy. Hopefully. </p>
<p>“I hope so too, but I know you’ll have a good year this year, I just know it,” Heidi reassuringly, getting up to go put her empty mug in the sink. Evan gets worried that Heidi might start getting ready to leave or go to work or something now that she didn’t have coffee or a particularly strong reason to keep talking to him. He’d covered both days, not everything, but the general idea, so maybe Heidi thought that was good enough. </p>
<p>“Hey um, Mom, there was actually something else I wanted to talk to you about before you leave,” Evan says a little frantically, genuinely worried that they twenty minutes they had (which was more than normal) was all he would get. </p>
<p>“Evan, I’m not leaving yet, we can still talk, don’t worry. What is it that you wanted to talk about?” Heidi asks, sitting back down on the barstool, probably to further the point that she wasn’t leaving…yet. </p>
<p>“Um, does our insurance cover therapy? Because I think I’m ready to try it, but not if it’s going to be too expensive. I know my arm has been like a lot and I don’t want to add to that. I just worry a lot about those things. But you mentioned it in the beginning of the summer, and I’ve thought a lot about it since then and I think it could maybe be okay. Connor and Zoe go too, and they say they like it and maybe I would too, maybe it would be helpful,” Evan says quickly, without taking a breath at all. He’d been nervous to bring it up again and he just wanted to say it all before he forgot anything or told his mom to just nevermind. But Heidi seemed like she was following, she was pretty used to Evan speaking anxiously. </p>
<p>“Oh Evan, yeah it is covered, at least a little bit, but don’t you worry about the cost or anything like that. That’s my job as mom to deal with. I’m so glad you’re willing to give it a go, some of my coworkers have given me such good recommendations, I’ll find the best one for you,” Heidi says enthusiastically, probably even more enthusiastically than when Evan had been talking about his trip. Which was kind of weird, but at least she wasn’t telling him they couldn’t afford it. That she didn’t think he wasn’t worth helping. That he was too far gone to ever be better. </p>
<p>But he didn’t really want his mom picking out a therapist for him, even if it was well-intentioned. He thinks it would make him more anxious and what if she thought she did a good job and he hated the person and didn’t want to go back, how could he possibly tell her? He wanted therapy to work, he wanted to want to go. And that wouldn’t happen if he wasn’t almost completely in control of the circumstances. So Evan takes a deep breath and tells his mom, “Um, actually Mom, could I pick? I think that’ll really help me with wanting to go and um, also, um if I don’t like them, I don’t want to go back.” </p>
<p>“Okay, well I think, no, that’s okay. Maybe I could still get some recommendations and then you can read about them and pick for yourself, and maybe it could just be a good starting place. And then when you pick, I can set up the appointment. How does that sound, a good compromise?” Heidi says, slightly less enthusiastically but seemingly still supportively. </p>
<p>And Evan supposes her idea is a good one. He didn’t know where to start and if it got too overwhelming, he’d probably stop looking into it and not go. So actually having some options already narrowed down, maybe for therapists who normally saw teenagers, maybe that could be really helpful. </p>
<p>“Um, yeah, I think that’s okay,” Evan says quietly, fiddling with his cast some. He was proud of himself for bringing therapy up to his mom, but that didn’t mean the rest of it would be easy. He was still kind of nervous about actually going. But that was something he could talk to Zoe and Connor about. They’d been nervous too. </p>
<p>“I am so proud of you Evan, this is big,” Heidi tells him, pulling his attention away from his cast and back to her. She was smiling brightly at him and even though Evan usually doubted when his mom said things like to him, today he believed her.</p>
<p>“Yeah, um, yeah. If Zoe and Connor can go, I think I can too,” Evan says sheepishly, giving her a small smile back. He already showed himself there was a lot he could do with Zoe and Connor by his side and this was just one more thing. He could do it. </p>
<p>“This will be so good. Now, let’s look at those pictures again, yeah? I want more details,” Heidi says, ruffling his hair again, making Evan laugh just a little as he scrolled back to the very beginning for the second time that morning. </p>
<p>And he didn’t know how he was so sure, because he was never sure of anything, but he was sure that everything would be okay. Between him, Zoe, Connor, actually talking to his mom, and going to therapy, everything would work itself out. It had to.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Zoe and Connor?!?!?! *cries* They're too sweet and they're trying so hard for each other. Connor never knew that Zoe was struggling at school and Zoe never knew she could tell someone. And our soft boi Connor never actually hurt her and now he knows that, and won't have to carry that guilt on with him. </p>
<p>And Evan is deciding to take on therapy, which I still haven't decided whether or not it will include letter writing, but it's a really big step for him and you all know I like to write a slightly more confident Evan, maybe one who will even attempt to ask Zoe Murphy to Fall Formal.... </p>
<p>And next week is finally school!!!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. School Bell Rings, Walk Me Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan starts the first day of school and not all goes as planned.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!! We're finally starting school!!! And I'd say it goes a lot better for everyone than it did in the musical. I think it's a pretty cute chapter, but y'all please don't be mad about Jared. If he started off great then there'd be nowhere to go, you know? So he's a little insufferable but hopefully still nuanced. He just doesn't know what he's doing and he takes Evan a lot for granted. But he won't always be this way, there are plans!!! So I hope you like this chapter! </p><p>I hope you all are loving this story so far, because I'm having a lot of fun with it! I love hearing from you, thoughts, opinions, predictions, anything! Or drop a kudos or subscribe if you want to! I appreciate all the support in all the ways that it comes! Thank you all so much!!!! I hope you enjoy the chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan can’t really believe how fast three weeks go by when you have real friends, friends who want to do things with you, friends who you see every day. It was like August just disappeared in a flurry of adventures and treasured memories. And Evan knows for a fact he’s never been happier. </p><p>And he thinks that’s true for Zoe and Connor too, because they seem different, but not in a weird way, just like they were more comfortable around each other, which made it even easier as a group for all of them to just relax and be themselves. </p><p>He knows it’s because they finally talked to each other about whatever it was that Connor had been upset about at the boardwalk. Both of them had confided in him about it separately and said that Connor had apologized, and they had a really wonderful talk about everything and really reconnected, and Evan couldn’t be happier for them. </p><p>With their reconnection though, apparently they promised each other that they would fit an entire summer of fun things into the last three weeks of break and Evan was included in that promise. And Evan learned fairly quickly that when Zoe and Connor set their mind on something, they meant it, because they did everything.</p><p>They did so many things that Evan had never really done before. They went to the movie theatre. They went and got smoothies and walked around the mall. They went shopping with Zoe, picking out what Evan thought were really cute outfits for Zoe, watching as she twirled around and showed them. They even had found one or two things for Evan and Connor and Evan loved that he now had a few things that he’d picked out on his own. </p><p>But they did other things that didn’t involve spending money, things that were free or super cheap, trying not to pressure Evan too much into letting them pay all the time. They went on long drives, went on picnics, even visited other parks after Evan had told them he kind of missed Ellison but couldn’t bear to go back yet. One of Evan’s favorite things they did was actually Connor’s suggestion of checking out the pop-up show of an artist he follows on Instagram and it had been so cool, definitely something he wanted to do again. He wanted to do everything with his two best friends.</p><p>Evan was grateful they tried to pick a variety of things, because it was still hard to wrap his head around the fact that Connor and Zoe wanted to pay for things for him. And he knew some things he’d only be able to do with them if they paid, but he just didn’t want to be too dependent on them like that or have them think he was using them or not really their friend. But Zoe had talked to him several times about it, reassuring him any time he needed it. She had told him that they deserved to do fun things, to enjoy being teenagers and enjoy being together, and secondly, she told him that they weren’t spending Connor’s or her money, they were spending their dad’s money and without going into many details, she’d basically said their dad was responsible for keeping her and Connor from reconnecting sooner, so really they were entitled to any little form of joy they wanted. And they wanted him to be there with them. Evan brought them joy. </p><p>It also maybe didn’t help that Zoe would always make a really cute pouty face at him, one that Evan couldn’t really say no to. And he was pretty sure she knew that. So how could he really turn them down?</p><p>And if Evan had thought he had any inkling of feelings for Zoe before knowing her or even just after knowing her for two weeks, after over a month he knew he was positively, absolutely in love with her. Evan was in love with Zoe Murphy and it was the most wonderful feeling. Except it was also the most terrifying feeling. </p><p>It was so hard to balance between being her best friend and wanting more. But he was aware how selfish that was. He couldn’t want more if she didn’t want more. And he honestly didn’t know how she felt, and he couldn’t just ask her. Because what if it all went wrong?   </p><p>He didn’t want to be responsible for wrecking anything, so he’d stifle anything even remotely romantic, pushing it down until he didn’t think about it anymore. But it was even harder because Zoe was so bold with her little affections toward him, even when they were with Connor too. And they might just be because she was an inherently affectionate person, but Evan couldn’t help but wonder if it could be more. </p><p>It wasn’t like she’d kissed him or anything like extremely out there, she was more subtle than that, which made it even harder for Evan. Zoe snuggled into his side when they watched movies. She held his hand for longer than necessary when she was leading him somewhere or when she thought he might be nervous or when they were alone. She always sat next to him whenever they did stuff, their seating arrangement was almost always Zoe-Evan-Connor. Sometimes she’d lay her head on his shoulder when she was getting sleepy. Everything she did was cute, but it could also be considered friendly which made it so confusing for Evan. </p><p>But at least it didn’t really seem like Connor noticed any of it or maybe he did and just didn’t care? Maybe he just knew that Zoe was like that and didn’t think anything of it? Evan wasn’t sure but he was glad Connor never said anything about it because Evan didn’t want it to stop, but he would tell Zoe if Connor said something because he also didn’t want to make Connor uncomfortable. But Evan really liked every little thing Zoe did. It made him feel special, feel liked, and mostly feel warm and tingly and fluttery. And he didn’t want to give that up.  </p><p>But through the last couple weeks, when they weren’t doing something big, just hanging out, Evan had continued thinking about therapy and he was proud of himself for not giving up on it. He was even more sure he wanted to go, the longer he hung out with Zoe and Connor because he was actively seeing it help his friends and he wanted that too. The only hold up had been the researching, which was taking a lot longer than he thought it would. But Connor had been helping him and they were narrowing down the list that Heidi had given him. </p><p>It was nice because Connor knew things that Evan never would have. Connor had immediately pointed out the therapist that him and Zoe hadn’t liked, and Evan trusted their opinions. And Connor also told Evan that one of them worked at the rehab he went to and even though he never saw them, other people talked bad about them, saying they were not nice and really not patient with any of the kids who were struggling or not “making enough progress”. And Evan didn’t want that. He was already scared whoever he saw would think he wasn’t “getting better” and give up on him. He was glad that Connor was so supportive and could help him avoid that from the beginning. </p><p>He’d finally gotten the list down to three who he thought were pretty good (Connor had agreed too) and gave them to his mom, thinking he’d be able to go in soon. But that wasn’t the case. The first one wasn’t taking on any new patients, so they couldn’t go there. The second one didn’t have any openings until November which was way too long and then they also found out their practice didn’t even take their insurance. But finally his third option, Dr. Sherman, had an opening in September (the first week of school actually), and Evan thought she looked really nice. And honestly, he was glad he’d get to see her during the first week because he could talk to her about that and see how it went and how she responded to his worries before diving in deeper to other things he wanted to talk about. And if it wasn’t terrible, then he would keep going. </p><p>And shockingly, he wasn’t even that worried about school starting, which was unlike any other year of school he’d ever had. Him and Zoe and Connor had already made a plan of what to do if they weren’t in the same lunch periods and depending on how Connor’s meeting with the academic advisor went, he might get to switch his schedule too. And he said he’d try to make it fit Evan’s better. Connor even said he’d be willing to go as far as bringing up the bullying situation to his advisor, as a reason to switch into Evan’s classes. Connor said that having a classmate who was his friend would help keep him on track and keep him in class. They weren’t sure it would work, but it was worth a shot. </p><p>Knowing that there was a strong possibility that Connor would be in a majority of his classes (eventually) eased a lot of his anxiety about it. He would have a partner for stupid “think-pair-share” activities and other projects. And Connor knew how anxious he could get, how flustered and panicky he got when he couldn’t answer things, and he knew Connor would stick up for him, to the teacher or to any students. And that made him feel a lot more secure, at least about the peer portion of school. He was still pretty anxious about having to talk in front of the class or directly to the teachers if they called on him, but he thought maybe he could pretend he was talking to Zoe or Connor and get through it. Everything about school just didn’t feel impossible anymore. </p><p>They’d even planned the morning of the first day, down to when they’d pick up their schedules and where they’d meet to strategize when they saw each other’s class list. What Evan felt the worst about was that there was pretty much no possibility that he’d be in a class with Zoe. And it’s not like he could be in her elective, she took band, and he couldn’t just start that as a senior with no musical skills whatsoever. And he knew Zoe was sad about it too. </p><p>They had a long talk together one day when Connor was at therapy about how anxious she was about school. How that most of time she just faked her way through, sitting and talking with people she knew didn’t really consider her a friend. How hard it was that she didn’t have any one at home or anyone at school. How much she wanted to reach out to him when she noticed he looked lonely too but let herself get distracted with just trying to make it through. </p><p>Evan never knew and never would have guessed that about Zoe. </p><p>He’d always thought of her as this perfect person, someone who had no problems, was happy and bubbly and kind. She was everything he wanted to be. And he might still think that. Just because he didn’t have her on a pedestal anymore, didn’t mean he still didn’t admire her and strive to be like her. He was just striving for different qualities now, qualities he liked even more. She was resilient and brave and compassionate, and Evan thinks those are more important.</p><p>But overall, he’d never felt more prepared for school and he thinks that’s probably true of Zoe and Connor too. It was the first year they all had each other and that’s what was going to be the most valuable, most relevant to their hopeful successes. </p><p>Connor and Zoe had offered to come get Evan so that he could drive with them (they were driving together since Zoe didn’t have afterschool band yet), making their plan to go over their schedules a lot easier, but Evan has to tell them his mom wants to take him. And he wants to go with them, but he had a feeling picking him up would become a regular thing and his mom had already told him how much she was looking forward to going with him. </p><p>He only really agreed because she mentioned it more than once, so he was somewhat confident she wouldn’t forget. She claimed it was important to see her “baby” off for his very last first day of school. Evan thought that was pretty silly, but he wasn’t a parent yet (maybe he’d understand at some point), so for now he’d let Heidi have this. </p><p>Besides, he wasn’t going to say no to extra attention from his mom. He always wanted her to see him and be more involved with him, and this was a little something she could do for that. He knew she was trying, so the least he could do was try too. </p><p>Evan wakes up on the first day of school and is surprisingly not nervous. Well he was, but that was like his regular baseline, he wasn’t feeling extra anxious which he’d been expecting. And that was a nice thing to wake up too. </p><p>He gets ready and gets dressed in the outfit he picked out the night before, a blue polo that he’d found on sale at the mall (he’d gotten it because Zoe said it was a nice color on him) and a pair of khaki pants he’d gotten from Cynthia, who claimed, “they were just too small for Connor, really” and then just his regular sneakers. He attempts to do his hair, brushing it to the side away from his face. It was probably too long, and he needed to get it cut, but Zoe had said she liked it so he wasn’t going to change anything (and that meant he didn’t need to talk to a barber or anything, which was another win). He even spends a little extra time looking at himself in the mirror, something he never did, but he thinks he looks really nice for once. And he wonders if Zoe will think that too. </p><p>Evan carefully packs his backpack and walks into the kitchen, where he finds his mom also frantically packing her own bag. She notices him quickly, turning and saying, “Hey hun, we should really go, I can’t be late today. Especially since I’m leaving early to take you to your appointment with Dr. Sherman after school.” </p><p>What? He didn’t have his appointment today, he couldn’t have his appointment today, he wasn’t ready. How was he supposed to do therapy right after his first day of school? That was a lot and he wanted to talk about the whole week. He’d been prepping things to say, and he wanted the whole week to organize his thoughts, which is why he was so glad the appointment was on Friday. After the first week was over. This couldn’t be right. </p><p>“What? No, Mom you told me the appointment was on Friday, not today,” Evan tells her, the anxiety creeping into his voice. He really wasn’t ready to go today. </p><p>“No, Evan it’s today, I told you that. I swear I did,” Heidi says moving around him and filling her travel cup with the rest of the coffee she’d must have made earlier. And Evan doesn’t understand why she wasn’t more upset. Switching the dates on him was a big deal. He needed to know things were happening beforehand. He didn’t do well with surprise changes.</p><p>“No Mom, you told me Friday,” Evan says starting to pick at his cast, which barely had any cotton left at this point. He’d have to find something else to anxiously pick at soon. How could she have told him the wrong date? She wanted him to go to therapy and he wanted to go too, but setting him up to be already stressed was not going to keep him wanting to go. </p><p>“I guess I must have gotten the dates mixed up or something, but it’s today Evan,” Heidi says, coming back around him, patting his shoulder like that would fix that fact that Evan was completely flustered now.</p><p>“Mom, how could you just dump this on me? How am I supposed to go see her today with like no warning? I’m not prepared,” Evan tells her, trying to stress how much this was affecting him. Maybe it was a reason to go therapy, so he wouldn’t get so stressed when things like this happened, but he hadn’t gone yet, and was unprepared to deal with this on top of starting school. </p><p>“You don’t need to be prepared, just go in and talk to her, maybe about your day at school,” Heidi tells him, not even glancing at Evan while she doubled checked her work bag. Could she at least look at him while they were talking? He wished Zoe and Connor were the ones he was going with today. At least they’d understand why he was upset. </p><p>“Mooomm, I, I uh I can’t, I just don’t know,” Evan tries to tell her, starting to pace around their small dining table that doubled as Heidi’s desk, hoping she’d look at him. And then he remembers he already made plans for after school with Zoe and Connor. They were getting ice cream and basically debriefing their days. They thought his appointment was Friday too, but maybe it still could be? Maybe they could change it and then his mom wouldn’t have to worry about leaving early from work today, so Evan asks her, “Can’t we switch it to Friday, like I thought? I mean I already have plans after school and like I said I’m not prepared.” </p><p>“Evan, honey, it’ll be okay,” Heidi says, finally coming up to him and setting her hands on his shoulders lightly, probably thinking it was comforting to him, and adds, “And no, we can’t change it. This was the only appointment for a while for new clients. So I’ll be there to pick you up after school and I’m not saying you have to, but you should really go because there won’t be another chance for a while.”  </p><p>Evan can’t seem to say anything back to her except some grumbles and to really emphasize his displeasure with the whole situation, he shrugs her hands away and turns away from her walking fully into the kitchen even though he had no plans of eating. </p><p>He can hear Heidi sigh behind him and he knows he’s disappointing her, but it wasn’t exactly his fault. He’d been completely on board with Friday, how else was he supposed to react when it suddenly changed from his plans? </p><p>“Maybe you could talk to Zoe about it, hmm? Maybe that’ll help. And you guys can do something fun tomorrow, maybe come here? Maybe I could get cookies for you to make or something? I’m sorry Evan, but we can’t change it and we can’t talk about this forever, we do have to go soon,” Heidi says softly, and he appreciates that she finally apologized for telling him the wrong thing and was trying to offer other things. And he knows Zoe doesn’t have band until Thursday and he hadn’t really made good on his promise to have them over soon, so maybe this could be the plan. He didn’t like it and he was still anxious, but he couldn’t do much to change it. </p><p>“Fine,” is all Evan tells her, turning back around while grabbing a pack of crackers and an apple, putting them in his bag even though he knew it wasn’t likely he’d eat them. Maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible. All he had to do was talk about the first day of school, that couldn’t be too hard, right? He was hoping the day would be good anyway. Maybe he’d end up talking about Zoe or Connor and maybe that would take the whole hour.  </p><p>The whole drive to school, Heidi continues to chatter about meaningless stuff to fill the awkwardness leftover from Evan still being pretty irritated about the whole therapy situation. And Evan knows he should be trying harder to talk back to her, participate in something he was always wishing he had more of, her time and attention, but it was just really hard when he felt like she was being inconsiderate of his feelings and trying to brush them off as less than. Maybe he was just overreacting. Maybe he’d forget about it after spending the day with his friends. Maybe he shouldn’t be so scared of sudden changes because he suddenly became friends with Zoe and Connor and that worked out pretty well for him. </p><p>When they pull up to the front of school, Evan takes a deep breath and lets his mom give him a hug, deciding to just let the mix-up go. His mom had a lot on her mind and was busy and stressed and that was without adding all his problems too. And at least she made the appointment for him. He should just be grateful for that. </p><p>“I’ll see you soon Evan. Have a good day,” Heidi tells him, waving at him as he got out of the car. Evan waves back to her meekly with his casted arm and says, “Thanks Mom, I’ll try my best.” </p><p>Heidi smiles at him and Evan keeps waving until he can’t see her car anymore. He takes another deep breath and carefully starts to make his way to the cafeteria to pick up his schedule. He tries his best to avoid any other people and he doesn’t even let himself get distracted by trying to look for Zoe or Connor. </p><p>Their plan was to meet by the big tree in the courtyard and Evan wanted to get there as fast as possible, getting in and out of the cafeteria with no issues. He’s lucky and doesn’t run into anyone or trip or anything like that and he doesn’t even get that panicky from the large crowd inside the cafeteria. He simply gets in line at the “A-H” table and waits his turn. </p><p>His own academic advisor was managing the table and Evan didn’t usually interact with him much. They met once when Evan was a freshman and he’d been nice when Evan couldn’t get through the meeting without calling his mom. And he’d been nice since, well as nice as you can be when your only interaction is picking up a schedule once a year.<br/>
But the little kindness his advisor extends to him is enough for Evan to not stumble through his words when he says, “Hansen, Evan please.” </p><p>“Ah, here it is. Good luck this year Evan,” his advisor says, handing him his schedule and dismissing him with a light wave. </p><p>Evan moves out of the line and quickly scans his schedule, and it doesn’t look too bad. English first, then Trig, American civics third and last before lunch was ugh, Spanish, after lunch he had AP Chemistry and very last was Nursery. Evan has no idea what the hell this last class was or why he was in it. Was it like nursery like where babies lived and was some weird version of home economics for seniors? There was no way he was taking that if that’s what it is. He did not want to be in this class and might actually have to go with Connor to change his own schedule. </p><p>But he needed to see what the class was first, because even if it was super weird, there was a chance Connor was in it with him, which he’d probably stay if that was the case. Because that would probably be a lot easier than actually going through the trouble of switching. </p><p>Evan decides to wait on making any solid decisions about his classes until he sees Connor’s schedule and hustles out of the cafeteria to get to their meeting tree. Hopefully, Zoe and Connor would already be there. They had like twenty-ish minutes before class actually started and he wanted to fill them in on his whole therapy thing and then continue with their plan making for the rest of the day too. They <em>needed</em> to be in the same lunch period and they would need the time to change it if they weren’t already together.<br/>
Evan’s walking along, minding his own business, avoiding people like he tended to do, when he hears a snarky voice say, “Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor?” </p><p>Jared Kleinman.</p><p>Evan hasn’t spoken to Jared, in person or over text, since before school let out for the summer. Even if they were speaking regularly, that’s what Jared decided to say to him? That’s what he went with? Evan’s actually embarrassed for the both of them. </p><p>“No, what? I wasn’t doing that,” Evan says, stopping because Jared reached out and was tugging him back by his backpack strap. </p><p>“Now paint me the picture, you probably had Zoe Murphy’s Instagram up on your phone, imagining her…” Jared starts, and Evan knows where he’s going with it and he wasn’t going to let Jared say anything gross about Zoe, so he interrupts him saying harshly, “Jared stop. Don’t talk about Zoe like that. That’s not what happened, I just, I just fell. Now I actually have somewhere to be.” </p><p>Evan can’t believe what Jared had been implying and how cavalierly he was talking about it. How dare he? Evan wasn’t about to be part of this, so he tries to keep walking, ignoring the way Jared kept trying to pull him back.</p><p>Evan was very much aware of his crush on Zoe and yeah maybe sometimes he thought about kissing her or thought about how tingly he felt after hugged him, but he would never do <em>that</em> while thinking about her. He thought it was weird now that they were real friends. Maybe if they were ever more and she was like okay with it, he might, but he would never disrespect Zoe like that, the way Jared apparently did to her and other girls in their school. She was more than a fantasy to him. Zoe was his best friend. He loved her and he wasn’t going to ruin that. Especially not because of something Jared said.</p><p>Plus, he didn’t even really do <em>that</em>. He couldn’t deny that sometimes he was curious, but he was pretty sure everyone was, and it was normal. But it wasn’t normal to think of girls in their school, or anyone like an object. He knew that much. </p><p>But instead of getting flustered and weird Evan just shrugs Jared off him and keeps walking towards the courtyard, ready to see his real friends before the bell rang. And he may not have completely told Jared off, but Evan was proud of himself anyway. He didn’t need to stick around and be bullied by Jared more. </p><p>“Where do you have to be? We have like fifteen minutes before class starts,” Jared says, jogging lightly to keep up with Evan, clearly not believing that Evan had something to do that didn’t involve Jared. </p><p>“I’m meeting my friends,” Evan tells him, walking even faster (at least he was taller than Jared making it hard for him to keep up), wishing Jared would just leave him alone. He left him alone for over three months, so what was so important about today?   </p><p>“You know imaginary friends don’t count right?” Jared cackles, and Evan has to blink back one tiny tear because he wasn’t going to let Jared get to him even though that hurt more than it should. He doesn’t respond at all and tries to just keep walking. He didn’t need to tell Jared anything, they weren’t friends. </p><p>He had friends who were definitely not imaginary. And he knew they were waiting for him. </p><p>But Evan’s silence is apparently not a good enough answer for Jared because he asks again, slightly more desperately, “No seriously, who are you meeting?” </p><p>Evan stops causing Jared to bump into him and he doesn’t think Jared will leave him alone until he tells him. And he knew that Jared and Connor weren’t “good” so maybe Jared would leave him alone once he knew Evan was going to go see Connor. Evan takes an exasperated breath, hoping it’d clue Jared into the fact he was annoyed and simply says, “Connor and Zoe Murphy.” </p><p>Evan regrets telling Jared as soon as he’s said it, because Jared starts laughing at him, arrogantly saying, “Connor and Zoe Murphy, bullshit. Evan you’re not friends with them. And isn’t Connor in like a mental institution?” </p><p>“Jared what are you even talking about?” Evan asks, completely sidelining Jared’s disbelief of him having friends, especially Zoe and Connor, to stick up for Connor. He wasn’t going to let Jared spread some rumor about Connor on the first day of school, so he adds, “Of course he’s not, and even if he was, he’s still a nice person and a good friend.” </p><p>“You know Evan you keep tossing that around like you know what it means, friend. Do you really?” Jared asks snidely, and Evan can’t believe he used to wish Jared would just talk to him, that he used to consider an interaction like this a good one, one to tell his mom about as a positive in his day. Turns out having two really genuine friends in your life really changes your perspective. </p><p>“I do. And I seriously don’t have time for this,” Evan tells him, starting to walk off again. Jared was taking up way too much of his time and he knew he wouldn’t be okay for the rest of day until he saw Zoe and Connor. He had to at least know what lunch they were in. </p><p>“Well prove it,” Jared says like he’s challenging Evan, like Evan owed him an explanation. Evan didn’t owe him anything and he’s offended that Jared has the audacity to even think that. </p><p>“I don’t have to prove anything to you, can’t you just leave me alone Jared?” Evan says his voice hinting at desperate at this point. He was doing his best to not feed into Jared and just make it to almost like the circle of protection Zoe and Connor would offer at this point. </p><p>Jared, completely ignoring Evan’s plead for peace, keeps going on, “So you’re telling me, that when I was at summer camp, dominating at capture the flag and getting to second-base-under-the-bra with a girl, you magically became ‘friends’ with Zoe and Connor Murphy?” in a tone that Evan thinks is supposed to sound impressive and accusatory at the same time. </p><p>Evan wasn’t impressed by Jared’s blatant disrespect for girls their age once more or his alleged athletic expertise. Those things didn’t impress Evan. Zoe singing to him about how impacted she was by Connor going to rehab impressed him. Connor talking to him like a real person that day in the bathroom when he’d been upset impressed him. Zoe and Connor both treating him kindly and unabashedly on the worst day of his life impressed him. Evan had better things to consider impressive nowadays. </p><p>Evan doesn’t dignify Jared’s comment with an answer, deciding that ignoring him was a better tactic, that was until Jared pushed him over again, which he knew would probably happen because Jared didn’t seem to be giving up any time soon. And Evan didn’t really understand because all last year all Jared talked about were his real friends and how they were different from Evan, so why not be with them now? Why take time from the morning on the very first day of school to just be mean to him? What did Evan do to deserve this? </p><p>“Well if you really are friends, then how come you didn’t tell me, huh?” Jared prods, and Evan can’t help but blurt out angrily, “Because we haven’t talked since May Jared and that was just because you needed an assignment for bio. So why would I tell you? You told me all the time last year how we weren’t friends, so I held you to that.” </p><p>“I mean we’re still family friends Evan, you could have told me,” Jared says quieter than anything else he’s said so far. But there it was, <em>family friends</em>. That didn’t mean anything to Evan, just like Evan didn’t mean anything to Jared. </p><p>“I guess I had other things to do,” Evan mutters, thankful that he’d just gotten inside the courtyard. He could see the tree they were meeting at and he could see Zoe and Connor waiting for him, chatting amicably. </p><p>Zoe sees him first and starts waving at him happily, yelling, “Evan!” and it’s like Evan doesn’t even remember Jared’s there, as he runs to them, immediately in a better mood. He knew he saw them yesterday, but it felt like so much had happened since then, and he was just really excited to see them. And he’s pretty sure he’d always be excited to see them.</p><p>Connor looked excited too, like he was in a good mood and Evan thinks that meant their morning was probably pretty good, because Zoe looked like she was in a good mood too. Evan also notices that Zoe was wearing one of the dresses they’d picked out during a shopping trip and he thinks she looks really pretty (but then again, when didn’t she?). And she was wearing the necklace he got her. True to her word, she’d been wearing every day Evan had seen her since he gave it to her, and it always made him perk up when he saw it.  </p><p>Evan stops running when he gets to them, stumbling just a little, but not enough to run into either of them, but he ends up right next to Zoe, close enough that their arms were brushing, but he doesn’t do anything to change that. But Zoe doesn’t move either and that makes Evan even more excited than he was before. </p><p>“I got my schedule, what classes do you guys have? No, wait what lunches do you have?” Evan asks hurriedly, too excited to see them, forgetting which things he wanted to know first. But lunch was probably the most important, they needed to cover that first. </p><p>Both Connor and Zoe say, “Second” at the same time, which makes them laugh, and Evan can feel himself relax, all his worry about having to switch around (or ditch like Connor had suggested) gone, replaced by utter joy, as he tells them animatedly, “Me too!”</p><p>“Thank god we all have the same lunch. We can meet here right after fourth before finding a table,” Zoe says cheerily, and Evan thinks the same ease that washed over him, was overtaking her as well. Lunch was really the only thing that they’d get together, and Evan knew Zoe had been pretty worried about not having Connor or him to sit with. But they didn’t have to worry about that now. </p><p>“Evan, who do you have for English and math?” Connor asks him, making Evan switch his attention from Zoe back to the topic at hand, classes. </p><p>“I have English first period with Ms. Whittier and Trig second with Mrs. Patterson,” Evan tells him, holding out his schedule for Connor to see, not really wanting to move away from his spot next to Zoe, even though Connor was also right next to them. </p><p>“Nice, me too. Two major classes out of the way,” Connor says, sillily putting his hand up for a high five, which Evan gives him, but way too softly so their hands just kind of touch awkwardly, but it makes both of them laugh. Evan and Connor were both still getting used to casual, friendly gestures, but it was getting easier and whenever it turned out slightly awkward, they just played it off and were able to laugh at themselves. Very unlike the way Jared had been laughing at him earlier. </p><p>“I have Mr. Levy for English second period. Did either of you have him last year?” Zoe asks, kind of worriedly, even though Evan didn’t know why. Zoe was great at English and creative writing, which was a huge part of the junior curriculum. </p><p>“Yeah I did Zo, he’s not too bad. You’ll do great. He gives lots of writing assignments and you’re obviously a fantastic writer,” Evan tells her, trying to ignore the faint blush that was creeping onto her face from the compliment he gave her. Zoe was just getting used to compliments, same as all of them, it wasn’t because <em>he</em> said it. </p><p>“Oh thank god. Last year was so much analytical stuff and I hated it,” Zoe says, tucking her hair behind her ear and Evan thinks she’s about to say something else, probably ask about their afternoon classes, but instead they’re interrupted by someone saying, “Nice hair Connor, very school shooter chic.” </p><p>Jared. Again.  </p><p>“What the hell’s wrong with you Jared? Why would you say that to my brother, to anyone?” Zoe says angrily, turning and stepping in front of Evan and Connor to face Jared. Evan knew Zoe promised to stick up for them and he believed her, but he didn’t realize how good it would feel to have someone on your side, someone to face a bully with who was completely unafraid to speak their mind. And Jared wasn’t even talking about Evan. </p><p>“Come on, it was a joke. Some back-to-school fun,” Jared says defensively, crossing his arms over his chest. He clearly hadn’t been expecting Zoe or any of them to call him out.  </p><p>“No it was funny, can’t you tell I’m laughing?” Connor says dryly, glaring at Jared. Connor saying something in addition to Zoe saying something, makes Evan feel like he should say something too. He felt a lot braver with Connor and Zoe, so in a tone similar to Connor’s, he asks, “Jared don’t you have somewhere to be?” </p><p>It was the nicest way he could think to be dismissive because even though he didn’t want Jared there, he didn’t want to be outright mean. And he kind of felt bad that he hadn’t even noticed that Jared had followed him after he ran off to Zoe and Connor. And normally he would be really embarrassed, unable to say anything, or if it’d been last year probably would have went along with whatever mean thing Jared had said to Connor, but this year was different. Evan was different. </p><p>He didn’t have to put up with any of Jared’s antics. He’d already proven that to himself when Jared had cornered him alone and he could prove it now. He didn’t have to be worried that Connor or Zoe thought he brought him on purpose or that Jared was part of their group. He wasn’t. Evan had explained everything about Jared to them over the summer, how their moms were friends, how Jared just used him, how he was mean to him, how he didn’t really have anyone else, how it was just easier and better in the short term to talk to Jared, even if it hurt him and made him feel worse in the long term. They understood because they understood <em>him</em>. </p><p>“Well, I heard you guys talking about classes and I have trig with Mrs. Patterson too,” Jared says completely ignoring everything Connor and Evan had said, trying to redirect the conversation back to classes, like he’d been there all along, chatting with them. Like he hadn’t just directly insulted Connor. </p><p>“Um, oh, that’s um, okay,” Evan mumbles, unsure of what else he could say. He wasn’t exactly happy that Jared was in one of his classes and he knew Connor wasn’t either, but Jared was looking at them, like they’d be thrilled in the same way they were a couple minutes ago. </p><p>Zoe turns again, facing Evan and Connor once more, cutting Jared out without having to tell him to go away. The entire conversation stalls because Jared was still looking at them, and it’s just incredibly awkward. It’s apparent that the three of them don’t want Jared there, that no one wants to talk to him, but they’re all too polite to actually tell him to leave.<br/>
Honestly Evan doesn’t know how he hasn’t left of his own accord yet. It wasn’t like they were welcoming him with open arms. And he hadn’t even tried to be nice to any of them, he literally came up to them and insulted Connor, thinking that would be okay. It obviously wasn’t. </p><p>Zoe tugs on Connor’s shirt sleeve, pulling him back into their little circle, getting his attention away from Jared and making it somewhat clear that they were just going to ignore him completely, hoping that it’d make Jared leave them alone. They only had a couple minutes left before the bell rang, and they still had more to discuss. </p><p>“So what do you have for the afternoon Connor? Do you have this nursery class too? I don’t know what it is,” Evan says, turning in closer to Zoe once more, trying to start their conversation back up.</p><p>“No, I have art. But I think it’s your elective. It’s new and my advisor mentioned it but I think it’s about plants, so you’ll probably like it Evan. But I have AP Chem with you. I have no idea how I got into AP Chem, but hopefully it won’t be too bad,” Connor says happily, glad that they would all have an elective they’d probably like, even if they weren’t together for them. And Evan nods at him, and he’s actually pretty excited too, he didn’t know there would be a whole class about plants, but he was actually looking forward to it now. </p><p>“Zo, what’s your afternoon like?” Evan asks, both curious and wanting to keep Zoe involved and not feeling left out because Connor and him had half their classes together. </p><p>“Ugh, I have Physics and Algebra 2, so basically a whole afternoon of math,” Zoe complains, and Evan definitely feels for her. He wasn’t the best at math, and he knew she didn’t exactly care for it either. Maybe Zoe could switch into AP Chem with them? It wouldn’t fix the math problem, but maybe it’d be a little easier if they could all work together? Have one class they could share? He wasn’t sure but he’d see how their afternoons went before bringing it up to her.</p><p>“That’s rough, but at least you have band first, that’s something to look forward to in the morning,” Connor says, hoping that would cheer her up a bit. </p><p>“Yeah that’s true, I am really excited for band. And I’m mostly happy we have the same lunch,” Zoe says, leaning into Evan a little bit. And Evan’s about to say something, agree again that the lunch situation was a blessing, but he can’t because Jared asks, “What lunch do you guys have?” </p><p>Evan hadn’t noticed that Jared was still there, he’d assumed he’d left, off to go find his “real” friends now that he’d seen that Evan wasn’t lying and that all three of them had only been talking to each other. </p><p>“Second,” Connor says blankly, and all three of them glance at Jared, clearly shocked he was still there, but Connor quickly gets their attention back by trying to say, “I’m glad my advisor let me bump into advanced art,” at the same exact time that Jared says, “Oh, I’m in first.” </p><p>Connor ignores Jared’s statement and just keeps talking over him, adding, “I’m glad I’m not stuck in beginner’s class with all the freshmen.” </p><p>Evan sneaks another look to Jared, and he can’t really figure out what was keeping Jared around them. He was making it super awkward for himself and Evan can’t understand why he was trying so desperately to be a part of <em>their</em> conversation. He had other friends, so why was he trying to take Evan’s? Was he jealous? Was he trying to set either Connor or Evan up as a joke? Was he trying to impress Zoe somehow? </p><p>Evan didn’t know what was going on, but he didn’t like it. Jared rarely gave him the time of day, didn’t even reach out to him all summer and now on the first day of school, when Evan had someplace else to put his attention, he was like stuck onto Evan like bug. But Evan tries to just shake it off. He didn’t need to worry about what Jared was up to, he had other things to concern himself with. </p><p>“Yeah that’s awesome, you’re way too good for the lower level classes,” Evan says and Zoe nods along with him, knowing that Connor really was a great artist and deserved to be in a class that would support that. And Evan hoped that his art class would be good for Connor, the same way this new-plant class might be good for Evan. Maybe they’d all be really successful this year. </p><p>And Evan wants to ask how Connor’s meeting with his advisor went, to see if he has to take any other classes like afterschool or online to make up some credits, but Evan doesn’t want to ask with Jared there, because Connor didn’t need any more rumors about him failing out of school going around. </p><p>And he really wants to talk to Zoe and Connor about therapy, but it’s another thing he doesn’t want Jared to know about. Jared was already trying to say the Connor was in a mental institution, so obviously he wasn’t sensitive towards other people’s struggle with mental health. Evan was already on edge about going to therapy in general, and that was with the support of his friends and his mom, he didn’t need to fill his own head with doubts any more than he already did. Why couldn’t Jared just leave them alone? </p><p>“Um, sorry about earlier, it was just a joke,” Jared says quietly, weakly apologizing for what he’d said to Connor earlier and Evan wonders if he’s going to apologize for what he’d said to him earlier too, but Jared’s just looking at Connor and Zoe, like he expected Evan to just forgive him. But he wasn’t going to. Not for what he said to him or for what he said to Connor. And real apologies weren’t “I’m sorry you got upset”, real apologies made people accountable. </p><p>And clearly neither Zoe or Connor have any intention of accepting this barely-there apology because Zoe turns again fully and sharply says, “It wasn’t funny.” </p><p>Evan shoots her a grateful smile, even though once again, it wasn’t Evan who was needed the sticking-up for right in this moment. But there she was, standing in front of both of them like a protector. And Evan knew without a doubt she’d do it for him if he needed, fiercely and with absolutely no hesitation. And she’d probably be appalled if Evan told her everything Jared had said earlier, but he didn’t want to make her angry right before classes started. </p><p>The bell finally rings, and Zoe turns back around, asking both boys sweetly, “Walk me to class?” </p><p>Connor and Evan nod and Evan fights the urge to take her hand, thinking how natural it would feel if he did. But he doesn’t and all three of them start in the direction of the band room, leaving Jared behind. The band room was also conveniently en route to Connor and Evan’s first period, so it made sense for them all to walk together. And they promise to meet her by the tree after fourth as they wave goodbye and head toward their own classroom. </p><p>Evan decides he really likes walking Zoe to class and walking around school as a group. Just being next someone in a meaningful way, when he was surrounded by hordes of students made Evan feel a lot calmer and a lot more in control. Hallways and passing periods used to completely overwhelm him, with the noise, the people, the chaos, but now he felt like he could focus and make it to class in a relatively good mood. It makes him feel like everything would be okay, even during the classes he didn’t have with Connor. </p><p>And he’s right, for the most part. They both get through first and second period quickly, sitting which each other and narrowly avoiding Jared in second. Third is Evan’s first class without Connor and it’s not terrible, besides the fact that civics was probably going to be pretty boring. It’s when Evan gets to Spanish where things start to get bad. </p><p>His teacher makes them all stand up and introduce themselves, which would be bad enough, but he makes them do it in Spanish, alerting them all the to the fact that level four would be a “no English” class. And Evan tries to practice what to say in his head, trying to remember the words, even if the conjugation was off. He gets to what he thinks is “I’m Evan and I broke my arm over the summer”, figuring it was an easy “fun fact” since he had his cast and people would already know. But when it’s his turn, he can feel himself shaking as he stands and he really tries his best, but he knows he messes up the verbs and can’t remember the word for cast and completely fumbles his way through it, stuttering and choking on each syllable. He can hear other students snickering around him and he knows his face and neck and probably even his arms were red, so he can’t finish and just sits back down, completely embarrassed. He can’t even participate for the rest of class and he just wants it to be over. Lunch couldn’t come any sooner. </p><p>Evan practically runs to their meeting spot in the courtyard, really hoping that Zoe or Connor would be there already. Luckily, Zoe is, and she starts smiling at him as soon as she sees him. And that makes him feel the tiniest bit better. </p><p>Zoe must notice right away that Evan was upset, because she immediately takes his hand and asks, “Is everything okay Ev? Did something happen?” </p><p>“The whole morning was so good until Spanish. It was terrible and I messed up everything and people were laughing and now the teacher probably hates me Zoe,” Evan says, still distressed about the situation. </p><p>But Zoe takes a deep breath and encourages him to do the same and gently squeezes his hand before moving her thumb back and forth softly, saying, “Hey, it’s okay. Your teacher doesn’t hate you. Language is really, really hard and not everyone’s best thing. But we can study together more, and you can practice talking with me, then in class it’ll be like I’m there instead.”</p><p>“Zo, you’re in French though,” Evan says laughing a little, even though he was incredibly grateful she was offering to help. And he really loves her cheeky smile that she gets when she’s in a playful mood, it always instantly brightens him up. </p><p>“Spanish, French, doesn’t matter they’re like almost the same. We can study together and it’ll be okay,” Zoe tells him and he can’t help but believe her. It was really hard not to when she was so sure that it’d get better. </p><p>“Thanks Zoe, you always know what to say and exactly how to make me feel better. But how was your morning? How was band?” Evan asks, squeezing her hand again, not wanting their whole conversation to be about him. Zoe’s morning was just as important as his was.</p><p>“So good,” Zoe squeals in delight, jumping just a little and Evan can’t help but smile at her excitement, letting her continue, “Mx. Ross outlined all the audition processes for later this week and assigned time slots and honestly, I’m so ready for it. I have a really good feeling about this year.” </p><p>“Well yeah, I know you’re totally going to kill it,” Evan says, swinging their hands just a little to show his enthusiasm. He knew Zoe would do fantastic at her audition. She deserved first chair and it was one thing he wasn’t even a little bit worried about. Zoe was going to nail it. </p><p>“What are we killing? I hope it civics, because I’ll help,” Connor says, popping up behind them and good naturedly jumping into their conversation. </p><p>“No, Zoe’s going to kill her audition this week,” Evan says laughing, knowing that Connor’s civics class was probably just as bad as his was. That was something he was sure they’d have fun complaining about together. </p><p>“Well duh, that’s obvious,” Connor tells them, glancing curiously at their still joined hands, but shaking it off as Zoe grabs his attention, asking him, “How were your classes this morning Con?” </p><p>Evan saw Connor glance to their hands, the first time he’s ever noticed Connor noticing <em>them</em> and he thinks he should probably let go, but he thinks he’ll wait until Zoe did first. She was making him feel better from the disaster of Spanish and he didn’t want to let that go yet. </p><p>“Eh, they weren’t terrible besides civics, maybe I’ll switch into yours Evan because Jared’s in mine and he was like staring at me and I’m pretty sure the teacher is of the same mindset as our dad, which is to say I already don’t like them. But French wasn’t bad, it’ll be easy,” Connor says, starting to walk around, expecting Zoe and Evan to follow as they looked for a table.</p><p>Just as they find an empty circular table outside, Evan feels his phone vibrate and he drops Zoe’s hand to answer it, knowing that it must be important if someone was calling him during school. It’s his mom, and Evan immediately starts to panic. This couldn’t be good, something terrible must have happened to her. </p><p>But Evan has to know, so he starts to breathe heavier, worrying both Connor and Zoe as he answers, saying, “M-Mom, is everything okay? What happened? Are you okay? Why are you calling me?” </p><p>Evan can feel Zoe’s hand comfortingly on his shoulder and he can see Connor leaning in for support, but he can’t truly focus on anything but his mom’s voice saying, “Oh Evan nothing bad, I promise.” </p><p>Evan’s hard-pressed to believe her because she wouldn’t call unless something was wrong, but maybe it just wasn’t as major as he initially thought. She probably wasn’t in imminent danger, which good, but something still wasn’t right. </p><p>“But, um, hun, I have to tell you that they need me to stay at work, so I can’t pick you up for your appointment. You’re going to have to go on your own. I’m so sorry bud, we’re just really short staffed and Nicole called in with the flu and I’m the only one here, and,” Heidi says, and Evan knows she’ll continue to throw out excuses until he says something so he just interrupts her, saying tiresomely, “It’s fine Mom, I, um I guess I’ll figure it out.” </p><p>Evan knew she was calling to tell him something terrible. This morning it was “it’ll be fine Evan, I’ll be there” and he wasn’t sure why he even believed her. Maybe because she’d be done pretty good lately about not letting him fend for himself. But maybe she hadn’t changed, he’d just been around other people, so he didn’t notice all that much. </p><p>“So, it also means I won’t be home for dinner, but you can make something, anything you want. I got those dumplings; all you have to do is boil them and they’re in the freezer. Shit, I have to go Evan, but you’ll do great. Love you,” Heidi finishes, hanging up on their call before Evan can even say anything back. And he wants to pout and throw a fit because it wasn’t fair. </p><p>Twice today his mom had completely changed his plans, without really thinking how they’d affect him. And the answer was not well. He’d just come to terms with switching his appointment day and now this? He was expecting to come home with her, maybe eat dinner with her and chat not only about therapy but about his first day too. Now he knows he’ll go home to an empty house, probably have to use the bus, eat nothing for dinner, and probably end up overthinking about Spanish some more because Zoe wouldn’t be there to calm his worries.</p><p>“Evan, hey, hey talk to us, is everything okay?” Zoe asks softly, moving her hand from his shoulder down his arm and taking his hand once more. She probably didn’t care if Connor saw, and honestly Evan didn’t either. </p><p>“Um, you know, how I was supposed to see Dr. Sherman on Friday? Well, my mom told me this morning my appointment was actually today and that she’d take me. But now she can’t leave work, so she can’t take me, and I have to go alone. I wanted to tell you guys earlier about the date mix up, but I couldn’t, not with Jared around this morning. And I wasn’t that stressed but now I am, and it’s just a lot,” Evan says all in one breath, squeezing Zoe’s hand again for support. He really didn’t know what to do because going to therapy alone, at least for the very first time, sounded like something Evan wouldn’t be able to do. </p><p>“Well, you can’t go like alone-alone, not for your first time at least. We’ll take you and it’ll be fine. We already thought we were doing something after school, so now we’ll just do this,” Zoe tells him and Evan can see Connor nodding along with her. </p><p>But he doesn’t want to put this on them, make the whole afternoon about him and going to therapy, take away from how they were originally going to de-stress from their first day. He felt like that would be selfish of him. </p><p>“You don’t have to, you could still go get ice cream like we planned and I can just take the bus. I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Evan tells them, even though he wasn’t sure it would be fine. It would be terrible and then he’d never want to go back. </p><p>“Dude, Evan, you hate the bus. There’s no need to get like stressed about the bus or anything else before the first time you’re doing something stressful enough. We’ll take you, it’s okay. Honestly, I wish someone I cared about had been there for me after my first session at rehab. It would have been nice leaving knowing that my friends, who I trusted would be there, you know? We can do that for you,” Connor says and this time it’s Zoe nodding along with him. And similarly to when they insisted on taking him to the hospital, invited him on their birthday trip, and so many of the other ways they’d gone out of their way to make him feel <em>loved</em>, he wants to cry from feeling too happy. </p><p>“Thank you guys, really this means a lot. Do you think therapy will okay today? Like I’m not as prepared as I would’ve been for Friday,” Evan tells them, a lot less worried now that he had a way to get to therapy that wouldn’t be by himself, but that gave room for his previous worries to resurface. </p><p>“Yeah, I think you’ll do great Ev,” Zoe says, squeezing his hand one more time before letting go to get her lunch out of her bookbag, but not before smiling at him and adding, “You just have to try your best, that’s all. And if your best today is just showing up, then that’s great.” </p><p>Evan nods at her, really thinking about what she said because he’d never thought about “doing your best” that way. To him, trying your best always sounded like go 100%, give everything he possibly could, and that mindset had always discouraged him from trying at all. But maybe 50% was his best for today. Maybe that was okay. </p><p>“Thank you, guys, seriously,” Evan tells them again, reaching for his own crackers since Zoe and Connor were getting their lunches out too. </p><p>“Now that our afterschool plan is settled, Zo tell us more about band. Who’s the main competition and what’s your plan?” Connor asks, taking some of the focus off Evan, which he was thankful for. They’d spent enough time talking about him and he’d always rather hear about Zoe. </p><p>And even though his day so far had been filled with ups and downs, from his mom to Jared to Spanish, Evan was handling it pretty well. It makes him feel like he was part of something, something really special. And he thinks everything else that was to come, whatever it might be, would be just a little easier with his friends.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I was going to write Evan at therapy, but I mostly ran out of time, plus I think there's a better part of the story where meeting Dr. Sherman will fit better, so that might come up! Coming up will be Alana, some football games and our little trio just adjusting to school in general! I hope your excited!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. How Evergreen Our Group Of Friends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan goes to therapy. Zoe gets some news. And they all go to the football game.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi Everyone!!!! Ahhh! I've been feeling so emotional lately because it's officially been a year since I've started writing fiction and I never could have imagined that I'd be here. It has been so wonderful, what started as a New Year's Resolution to just explore non-academic writing has turned into something I can't give up. I never thought in a million years I'd end up over 700 pages with 400K words. I had two itty bitty ideas that I couldn't get out of my head for Evan and Zoe, the first ship I loved so much that I had to supply more stories for myself and also to share. Mostly I'm just going on about this because I think without the support from you lovely, lovely readers I wouldn't be here at all, I would have given up a long time ago. But now you can't really get rid of me, long form BandTrees stories will continue for evermore! (And I hope that's an exciting thing for you all too!!!)</p>
<p>Also I know I ended last chapter saying it wouldn't be about therapy, but then I wrote Evan's whole section about therapy, so I hope you like it! And we have Zoe and Connor sections too! And Alana!!! </p>
<p>So just one more time, a huge thank you to you readers, you are wonderful and I appreciate everything you do! Please let me know what you think or leave a kudos or subscribe!! Thank you!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan is completely, and most importantly, pleasantly surprised by his appointment with Dr. Sherman. He liked her office, it was warm but not like old-feeling or stuffy, and she had a lot of plants and even some little things to look at or play with on the coffee table between them. It wasn’t anything like he’d seen on TV and wasn’t really like how Zoe described the office they went to either. But he liked it and so far, he liked Dr. Sherman. </p>
<p>She was really nice to him and so far, hadn’t pressured him into talking about anything “deeper” or what anything could possibly mean or why Evan did something. She was just letting him talk, uninterrupted, giving him her full attention. And he just felt, not relaxed really, but comfortable around her, which was weird. He almost never felt comfortable around anyone right away. Even the safety he felt around Zoe came after a couple of days of basically seeing her non-stop, getting to really know her.</p>
<p>And she’d been understanding about when Evan had first come in and had been really nervous, making him stutter just a bit, which in turn had made him really embarrassed (like it always did). But she was patient and reassured him he could take his time, and he didn’t have to tell her anything he didn’t want to. </p>
<p>Dr. Sherman told him that she was there for <em>him</em>, to help him and that was it. That he could take anything from that he wanted to. And Evan knew Zoe and Connor were there for him, they’d proven it time and time again. But this was really the first time an adult had said it to him, and he felt like they meant it. Like his mom had said it, but he still had his doubts about if she really thought that or felt like she had to think that.</p>
<p>And he’d barely told Dr. Sherman anything, but he didn’t get the feeling that she’d turn him away if he really went for it, told her everything. But he wasn’t going to do it. Even if he thought she could handle hearing it, he doesn’t think he could <em>say</em> it. </p>
<p>But he doesn’t even get to talking about anything even close to his summer, and Evan knew their session was coming to a close (the very large clock behind Dr. Sherman made him aware of it) and he’d really only talked about his first day of school. </p>
<p>That it was different from any other year, with the exception of Spanish (that had been pretty similar to all his other experiences with school), and when she asked how so, he ended up talking about Zoe and Connor. He very quietly told her how he didn’t really have friends before them and just having them, knowing they were at school too, that he’d see them soon, made every period just <em>easier</em>, like he was no longer floating aimlessly in a sea of loneliness. </p>
<p>He even told her how the very second they found out his mom couldn’t take him today they had offered, better yet, insisted on taking him. Evan even laughs a little as he tells her they were waiting in Connor’s car right now, ready to go for ice cream whenever Evan was done. </p>
<p>Dr. Sherman just smiles warmly at him the whole time, letting him get a little lost in describing Zoe and Connor and Evan almost doesn’t notice her start to write some stuff down, and that worries him. What could she be writing down? Something bad? Had he somehow tricked her into thinking he was normal and now she was writing down that he didn’t really need help? Or worse, had faked everything about being nice and was really writing him a referral to get even more help, that he was beyond what she was trained to handle.</p>
<p>“What are you writing down?” Evan asks anxiously, not sure if he could ask that or not. But if she really meant everything she’d said, then she would tell him, right? She couldn’t expect him to share everything and then hide the doctor-y stuff from him. </p>
<p>But Dr. Sherman doesn’t look offended by Evan asking and flips over her paper to show him completely. It’s a list of people he’d mentioned so far, Connor, Zoe, and his mom. Next to them are little identifiers, like “Mom”, “Friend”, and “Best Friend”, but nothing incriminating. No secret checklist determining that Evan was too anxious or too stutter-y or anything like that. </p>
<p>“I just like to keep track of who you talk about, especially for these first couple of sessions, just for names really. There’s no test Evan. I’m not evaluating whether or not you should be here and I’m especially not here to judge you or your experiences,” Dr. Sherman says kindly, looking Evan in the eye, and he doesn’t look away from her, slowly nodding his head in understanding. He wasn’t expecting that, he felt like most people judged him, that they were always trying to find reasons why he shouldn’t be with them.</p>
<p>“On the phone, your mom said you wanted to come, that you’ve been struggling with feeling anxious for a long time, and I hope we can work on that for you, together. How does that sound?” Dr. Sherman asks him, and Evan can only keep nodding, still mostly processing what she was saying, coming to terms with the fact that she really was everything Evan had thought. Nice. Patient. Supportive.  </p>
<p>“I don’t want to feel anxious about everything, but I always do. It makes things really hard,” Evan admits, finally looking away from her and back to his hands, fiddling with them in his lap. </p>
<p>“I bet it does. And you’re a really brave boy Evan, for even trying today, reaching out. Now we were talking about school earlier. Do you think there was anything else that made today different, anything you felt, good or maybe not so good?” Dr. Sherman asks him, bringing them back to talking about school. And Evan had really only been planning on talking about Zoe and Connor (and Spanish), but he supposes he could tell her about Jared and this morning too. Evan stood up for himself, for the very first time this morning and that was probably notable. </p>
<p>“Um yeah actually. Uh, this morning, Jared, who I’ve known forever, we used to be friends, but then Jared started getting really mean, teasing me, insisting we weren’t friends, was trying to talk to me. We haven’t talked all summer and he didn’t believe me that Zoe and Connor were my friends when I said I couldn’t stay, that I was meeting people. I told him he was wrong and tried my best to just walk away because I knew they were waiting for me. But he followed me and then he was mean to Connor, ‘cause people are mean to Connor too at school. He didn’t like that Zoe called him out, but he still wouldn’t leave us alone. And it was so weird because he stopped with the teasing and just kept trying to talk about classes with us and wouldn’t just leave. I didn’t feel that bad ignoring him because I don’t want to be around someone who’s mean to Connor…or to me,” Evan tells her, recalling every odd thing that Jared had done this morning, wondering now what Dr. Sherman would think. </p>
<p>Would she tell him that he should be nice to everyone, be more forgiving and let Jared in into their circle? He hoped not, because he didn’t really want that, especially because he didn’t want anyone around to hurt Connor. They’d both experienced bullying, but Connor’s was so intentional and so misguided. Connor was really nice and didn’t deserve any of it. </p>
<p>“Sounds like Jared maybe wasn’t expecting all that this morning, that maybe he was a little used to being the one in control?” Dr. Sherman confirms, and Evan watches her write Jared’s name down onto the list too, along with “bully” and “used to be friends”. </p>
<p>“Yeah, um to him, I was probably a whole different person from the one he last spoke to. I’ve never been able to do any of that before, walk away, ask him to stop,” Evan says, still playing with his hands. They didn’t have that much time left, definitely not enough to get deeper than the surface with Jared.</p>
<p>“Do you ever think that maybe that’s a good thing?” Dr. Sherman asks, and Evan looks at her confused. Which part was the good thing? Him being different? Him being able to walk away? He’d never thought about them being good or not. Dr. Sherman clearly sees Evan’s look of confusion and clarifies, “That you’re a different person now? Different from maybe the Evan that Jared remembered? Because I  think it’s a good thing.” </p>
<p>“You do?” Evan questions not really used to any adults or anyone besides Zoe and Connor telling him that there was something good about him. That he’d made a <em>good</em> decision. </p>
<p>“Sometimes people grow up and start to learn things about themselves and that forces some of their relationships apart. But your growth and your ability to at least try to set a boundary, to tell Jared to stop, that’s a very good thing Evan. Sounds like Jared isn’t where you are and that’s okay. There’s nothing you can do to make him change besides keep putting yourself first. And maybe if doing that is a little too hard right now, try putting Connor or Zoe first. I think maybe you’ve seen a little bit that people who want to be your friend, they’ll show you that, and that’s the truth,” Dr. Sherman tells him, smiling at him like she was proud of him even though he hadn’t really done anything. But maybe he had. She’d said he’d been brave today, and that was something to be proud of.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I think know how a friend should be, after knowing Zoe and Connor,” Evan says returning her smile, his first one since his appointment started. </p>
<p>“Well Evan, we’re pretty much at our time for today, but I’d really like to keep seeing you. Do you want to make some more appointments with me, instead of your mom? You can look at my calendar and pick, that way there’s no confusion?” Dr. Sherman asks him, already grabbing her planner and flipping to the main month page for September, likely expecting Evan to agree. </p>
<p>And he does want to keep seeing her. Today hadn’t been terrible and he maybe kind of wants to hear what Dr. Sherman had to say about some other stuff. Like more about Jared. Maybe about his parents. Maybe his crush on Zoe. Maybe about what happened this summer.</p>
<p>“Um, yeah, I think I’d like to come back,” Evan tells her, hesitantly getting up from where he’d been sitting on the couch across from her and coming next to her to look at the planner. </p>
<p>“Great, let’s take a look. We’ll have to mostly stick to the afternoon because you have to be at school,” Dr. Sherman says, pointing to some days coming up in the next week that might work for Evan. </p>
<p>Evan tries to remember his mom’s ever-changing schedule but it’s too hard, so he considers Zoe’s band schedule, hoping that maybe her or Connor would be able to drive him again if his mom couldn’t. He knew it was a likely situation. He picks what he thinks are two good days, not wanting to go in too deep, figuring he could make more after the third one. </p>
<p>And he thinks this making appointments-in-person business is much better. He could see her body language and he didn’t have to rely on his mom, who clearly had too much on her mind to do it for him. And he liked having just a little more control. </p>
<p>“So Evan, I am going to give you a little bit of homework, you can do it or not, but I hope you will. Everyday until we see each other next, I want you to tell yourself something that’s going to make the day good, something you can focus on if things start to feel overwhelmingly bad, something to ease the worry just bit. Maybe it’s today’s going to be a good day because my friends are going to pick me up or maybe today’s going to be good because I finished my homework last night. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to come up with something but try to. And maybe you’ll find that some days there’s more than one,” Dr. Sherman tells him, closing her planner and smiling at Evan once more encouragingly. </p>
<p>“Um, yeah I think I could do that,” Evan tells her, actually believing he could. If school continued on not so terribly and went somewhat like the end of his summer had, then yeah, he thinks he’ll probably have some good things to say, things to get him through harder days. </p>
<p>“Good, I’m looking forward to seeing you again Evan,” Dr. Sherman says, and she says it so nicely that Evan thinks about hugging her for a second but doesn’t, deciding that it would be weird and crossing a line. Zoe and Connor never said anything about hugging their therapist, so he wouldn’t either. </p>
<p>“Yeah, um, me too. Thank you, Dr. Sherman,” Evan says, starting to walk towards the door, opening it as she says, “You’re welcome Evan.” </p>
<p>As Evan fully walks out and closes the door once more, he looks into the waiting room and finds Zoe and Connor both waiting for him, reading different magazines quietly. They look up to him at the same time when the door clicks, which makes Evan smile just a little bit. </p>
<p>“Sorry Ev, we were getting antsy in the car, so we came inside,” Zoe tells him apologetically even though they didn’t have anything to be sorry for. It’s not like they left him. They stayed. </p>
<p>“No it’s okay, I’m glad you’re here. Thank you again for taking me and waiting and everything,” Evan says as they stand up and join him in leaving the building. </p>
<p>“Not a problem Evan, don’t worry about it. You only need to worry about what ice cream flavor you want,” Connor says, using his clicker to unlock his car, leading them, but looking back playfully at Evan.</p>
<p>They’re quiet as they walk to the car, but Zoe seems like she’s buzzing with energy, like she wants to ask him something, probably how it went, but she doesn’t want to freak him out or push him too much, not really knowing how his session actually went. But he doesn’t mind really, and he’d probably end up telling her anyway, so he says, “You can ask Zo, it’s okay.” </p>
<p>Zoe smiles at him, knowing she’d been caught, not particularly good at hiding things when she was excited and she probably was because Evan hadn’t left crying or storming out or completely panic-ridden, so chances were it went okay. So she stops before any of them get in the car and asks, “So how did it go? You don’t have to give specifics and we’d never ask that obvs, but did you like her?” </p>
<p>“Yeah it was good actually, she’s really nice. Reminds me of my mom’s mom kinda but not since she’s like young, but easy to talk to. And I made some more appointments,” Evan tells them, feeling weirdly good about everything. Like he’d accomplished something. </p>
<p>“Evan that’s great! We’re so proud of you,” Zoe says, hugging him tightly surprising him slightly. He hugs her back though, just as tight, thankful that she was there. That she was asking. That she cared. And he’s thankful for Connor too, but he wasn’t hugging him right now. </p>
<p>Until he was. Connor joins in on their hug, wrapping his long arms around him and Zoe, and it makes Evan laugh, but not awkwardly, truly happily. Connor breaks away quickly though, telling him, “Yeah Evan, that’s awesome. I’m glad it worked out.” </p>
<p>Evan nods at him, letting go of Zoe at the same time, walking and opening the door for her behind “his” seat in the passenger side of Connor’s car. Zoe just smiles a special half smile to just Evan and gets in, following Connor. It makes Evan blush just a little, but he tries not to focus on it, getting in the car too and buckling his seatbelt quickly just to do something. </p>
<p>They change the subject on the drive to the ice cream parlor though, probably to not overwhelm Evan and he’s appreciative of it. They always knew when to not push him, to redirect things, to ease his anxiety. And as much as he really did think therapy went well, he doesn’t want it to be the only thing they talk about for the rest of the afternoon. And he appreciates even more that they weren’t saying things like, “See it wasn’t so bad” or “I told you so”, things other people might say, thinking that they were comforting. But they weren’t. Saying stuff like that always undercut his feelings, making him feel worse about being anxious about things. <br/>Most people didn’t understand that. But they did. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>== </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Zoe’s shocked about how easy the first week of school had been for her. Now that she didn’t have to worry so much about trying to fit in with a group of people who she knew didn’t really like her, she felt a lot freer. And she tried to just focus while in class and so far, there hadn’t been any partner or group things that were “pick your own” so she hadn’t had to scramble looking for someone. And based off everything Evan and Connor had told her, she thought the same could be said for them. </p>
<p>It makes her happy, the nice little routine they’d fallen into the last couple of days. She and Connor had been picking Evan up on the way to school, they’d walk her to band, they’d meet at the tree before finding somewhere to eat lunch, they always did something fun after school before all doing their homework on the ground of her room. It was good. Easy. Natural. </p>
<p>The only thing that really threw off their routine was now she had band after school on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, and Zoe wasn’t going to make them wait for her, so she was going to drive herself on those days. She’d done it yesterday and Connor had gone and picked up Evan, which was totally fine, but she did kind of miss the company since she was driving alone in the morning and the afternoon. She’d gotten really used to driving with them, being with both of them constantly except when they went to therapy, but even then, she usually hung out with either Connor or Evan if they were the ones going. She went from being really alone to almost never alone and she liked the change.</p>
<p>Zoe was going to offer to maybe pick-up Evan on the mornings she had band and him and Connor could still go home together. It seemed fair, especially since they could still meet at their tree before and after school that way no one felt left out. She was going to pitch it to them over the weekend, because today was Friday, so she didn’t really have to deal with it until Monday. </p>
<p>Not to mention she would really enjoy some more alone time together with Evan. She was starting to think that just maybe he liked her the same way she liked him. She wasn’t quite sure yet, but he never turned down her little affections either. He never started them either though, it was always her, but he never pulled his hand away or asked her to move or did anything really. Except smile. And blush.  </p>
<p>And she thought a blushing Evan was the most adorable thing ever. </p>
<p>But today she really had bigger things to think about than how cute Evan was. Today was Friday which meant the band assignments were going to be posted during lunch, well her fourth period and she’d find out where she’d been placed. She’d auditioned yesterday during class and she thought she’d done well. And not in an arrogant way either, she just confidently knew she’d done well. She nailed her guitar piece and thought maybe she missed one note during her piano solo but that could just be her brain making things up to stress her out. </p>
<p>Zoe’s the first one out of her fourth period, rushing out the door as soon as the bell rings, and she runs to the band room, not really caring that she probably looks crazy. She had to know. </p>
<p>She can see the list taped to the door and she quickly scans the paper, looking for her name and when she finds it, it says,</p>
<p><em>Zoe Murphy………Overall First Chair, First Chair-String Instruments</em> </p>
<p>She’d done it. She’d really, truly done it. She was the first ever non-senior to make overall first chair and first chair in her section. She’s so happy she could cry. She’d worked so hard over the summer, practicing through burns and callouses and cuts. She’d practiced bass even though it wasn’t her best instrument and she’d studied sheet music and watched YouTube tutorials. She’d done everything. </p>
<p>And it worked out. What felt like for once in her life, her dedication and resilience had paid off, in every aspect of her life. First Evan, then reconnecting with Connor, now this. It was perfect.  </p>
<p>Zoe was so excited and the first person she wants to tell is Evan, so just as crazily as she ran to the band room, she runs to the courtyard, hoping Evan was waiting for her. He’s there and she can’t see Connor so without thinking about it to much, she runs up to him and jumps into his arms, wrapping her legs around him. </p>
<p>Evan clearly hadn’t been expecting her to do that, but he doesn’t let her fall and quickly grabs underneath her legs, supporting her as she clung to him, hugging him tightly. And she’s really glad she was wearing jeans, that his cast couldn’t scratch her.</p>
<p>She honestly doesn’t know what just came over her, why she just did that, especially without asking Evan, this was by far the biggest display of affection she’d ever shown him. But he wasn’t doing anything about their situation, just continues to hold her, so she doesn’t let go either. And when she pulls away from around his neck, she can see him completely blushing, flushed maroon, but smiling dopily, waiting for her to do something, explain why she’d just jumped onto him. </p>
<p>“Evan, I did it! I made first chair! I really did it!” Zoe squeals delightfully, knowing she should probably unwrap her legs and hug him normally, like a <em>friend</em> but she doesn’t really want to. And it wasn’t like Evan looked uncomfortable or was indicating in any way that she should. So she doesn’t. </p>
<p>“Zoe that’s incredible! You’re incredible and you deserve this,” Evan tells her, equally as excited for her, smiling even bigger than he was before. Zoe just starts laughing, completely filled with joy, and pulls him tighter, snuggling into Evan’s neck once more. </p>
<p>“Hey!” Zoe hears Connor’s voice callout, and she pulls away from Evan to see her brother approaching them, looking at them very oddly, clearly wondering what she was doing.</p>
<p>Zoe knows she’s blushing now too, slightly embarrassed by Connor finding her wrapped around Evan because she did not want Connor to know about her crush on Evan. At least not yet anyway. She was pretty sure he didn’t, he’d been pretty oblivious to every little gesture she made towards Evan and she wanted to keep it that way. </p>
<p>So she reluctantly unwraps her legs from Evan, urging him to let her go, and he does, blushing even more as her body pressed against him. </p>
<p>But their contact is fleeting because as soon as Zoe’s feet are back on the ground, she runs to Connor, jumping excitedly in place this time, grabbing his arms, probably scaring him just a bit, but tells him, “I made first chair Connor! I made it and I’m so excited!” </p>
<p>Connor’s face melts away from his look of confusion and breaks into a thrilled smile. And Zoe hopes Connor thinks her little display with Evan was just because she was over-excited when she hugged him. Nothing more. </p>
<p>But she’s glad he was obviously just as excited for her and says to her, “Zoe that’s awesome! This is such a big deal, I’m so proud of you!” </p>
<p>Zoe just nods her head, honestly too excited to keep still and lets go of Connor so they can walk back towards Evan who had stayed near the tree when Zoe had run over to him.</p>
<p>“Zo, you know this means we totally have to celebrate tonight,” Connor says, greeting Evan with a nudge to his shoulder and a smile, which Zoe can tell makes him relax. He was also probably a little worried about Connor seeing them looking slightly more than platonic. </p>
<p>“I mean we don’t have to. I was already hoping it would happen, like I knew I had a good shot,” Zoe tells them, suddenly feeling quite humble. They didn’t need to go do something just for her. </p>
<p>“No, we should. You worked really hard Zo, let us celebrate you,” Evan says quietly, his blush from before never quite leaving, and when Zoe looks to Connor, he’s nodding in agreement. </p>
<p>“Um, okay,” is all she can really say, easily giving in to their want to celebrate something she’d done. It would be nice to have her hard work <em>seen</em>. And she was sure her blush was very much still there too. </p>
<p>But it had taken her several days to plan their birthday trip and even their smaller scale trips and things over the summer were never spur-of-the-moment, so she is kind of at a loss of what to do to celebrate, usually she came up with what they did, but she takes a chance and asks, “What should we do?”</p>
<p>“Um, only if you guys want to, um, my mom got some things to make cookies, uh to make up for not being able to take me on Monday, so we could make them at my house. I know it’s not like a big thing, but um maybe it could be fun, there’s icing too. And she said um, that you guys could sleepover too. But only if you want to,” Evan tells them, not looking directly at either of them, but at the ground, and Zoe could tell Evan was a little nervous asking them. It was the first time Evan had ever invited them over, they pretty much exclusively hung out at her and Connor’s house. She’d never asked Evan about it , but she thinks a lot of the time his house reminds him of being alone, so she knew this was a big deal. </p>
<p>And he was prepared to cook something with them, turn on the oven, even though she knew it wasn’t something he was really that comfortable with.</p>
<p>And stay the night? Evan really was throwing himself completely out of his comfort zone. And she thinks a sleepover would be really fun, knowing that they didn’t have to take Evan home at some point. She’s not actually sure if her parents would let her sleepover at a <em>boy’s</em> house without a parent home, but Connor would be there, and she’d probably do it anyway, even if they said no. </p>
<p>“What’d you say Zo? ‘Cause I think a little cookie party sounds great. You can give us a reprise of your position-winning song. And we can stay up late and like order a pizza, like a sleepover on TV,” Connor says, getting excited at the idea of staying over at a friend’s house. Zoe had been to a couple sleepovers when she’d been little, but Connor never had. She was happy he was getting so excited too. </p>
<p>Evan carefully looks up from the ground and right to her, and he looks so hopeful, she could never say no to him. She never wanted to say no to him. She smiles at him, then Connor and tells them, “I think it’s perfect. We can run home quickly after school and grab some clothes and stuff and then sleepover. Let’s find a table though, I want to tell you more about my new responsibilities.” </p>
<p>Zoe links arms with both Connor and Evan, smiling brightly, and they walk further into the courtyard, searching for a circular table like they normally sat at. They easily find one and Zoe maybe sits slightly closer to Evan than she normally does and shoots him one more sheepish smile before starting to explain, “I get to help Mx. Ross with the set list for the fall and spring concerts and it’s my job during the performances to keep the pacing and rhythm steady, so that anyone can turn to me and find their place. And I get to lead the band at halftime and at the quarters at the football games. We’ll do like a big thing after the cheerleaders and just like little songs during the game and quarters.” </p>
<p>“When do the games start?” Connor asks her, grabbing his lunch from his messenger bag and opening a small tupperware of blueberries. </p>
<p>“Next week is the first home game,” Zoe tells him, getting out her matching lunch and offering some of her own blueberries to Evan, who wasn’t really eating. She wonders if he forgot to pack a lunch this morning or had just been feeling a little more anxious than normal with school being back in session and wasn’t eating again. </p>
<p>“Could we come watch you, like would you mind if we were there to watch you?” Connor asks a little nervously, like he was worried Zoe might say no. Connor and her had been doing really well since he apologized to her, but she appreciated that he was trying to ask her before just doing things, letting her set up what she was comfortable with. </p>
<p>“Of course! I’d love that. I love when you guys listen to me play. It’ll be nice knowing someone in the stands is rooting for me,” Zoe tells them, really meaning it. They’d been listening to her practice non-stop the last couple of weeks, but she really wanted them to see what she could do with an arrangement, when she had the whole band at her disposal. </p>
<p>“We’re always rooting for you Zo, you’re brilliant. Valley Lakes High is going to have the literal best jazz band,” Connor says, complimenting her some more. Zoe never asked him, but she thinks Connor tries to compliment her music a lot now, to make up for all the times he criticized it or tried to demean her through it. She knows he didn’t mean it when he’d said those things, but it still felt nice to hear the opposite, to hear him say he liked it, that he thought she was good. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Evan agrees, finally taking some blueberries from Zoe, smiling at her gratefully. </p>
<p>“Thanks guys, I’m just so excited. I can’t wait to start,” Zoe tells them, getting the rest of her lunch from her bookbag and pushing some of it towards Evan without even thinking about it. </p>
<p>“It’s really exciting Zo, you should be excited,” Evan says, pushing her gently which makes her giggle. She loved when Evan got really playful, it was one of her favorite moods of his. But she thinks he thinks it’ll distract her from her subtle insistence on him eating, but it won’t. </p>
<p>But it does start Connor in on pushing her gently too, until the boys are both moving her side-to-side playfully, making her laugh almost uncontrollably. </p>
<p>Two months ago, she never would have imagined any of this, and she can’t help but believe this was going to be the best year she’s ever had. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>==</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Connor doesn’t end up switching any of his classes or having to do any in-person classes to make up credits. He was doing like these online module things, but they were super easy and he was almost done with them even though school had only been in session for two weeks. And he was proud of himself for managing to get through the two weeks without any issues. Well, mostly. </p>
<p>He did get sent out of the classroom earlier this week in his civics class but honestly it hadn’t really been his fault. His teacher (who Connor already disliked) had been “teaching” the class about taxes and tax infrastructure and was basically lying to the whole class and Connor called him out on it. And he really didn’t like that. </p>
<p>But if there was one thing that Larry taught him that was actually useful, it was taxes. How they worked, who paid what, what they went towards, who should really be paying more (their family), literally everything. His dad had been dead set on teaching him and Zoe about it when they’d been younger and it was one of the things he was actually pretty grateful for when it came to Larry, especially if the only thing the school was going to teach was this drivel. </p>
<p>And after class that day, the weirdest thing happened. Jared Kleinman had come up to him and didn’t tease him, didn’t call him a rude name, didn’t do anything except say, “Dude you were totally right by the way. Sorry you got tossed from class.” </p>
<p>He didn’t say anything else or wait for Connor to respond before turning and heading to lunch (probably) and Connor kept thinking about it for his whole next period. It had been so odd, yet it felt kind of nice to know someone else knew he was right, even if it was Jared Kleinman. </p>
<p>Jared hadn’t directly approached him or Evan or Zoe since the first day of school, even though he sometimes saw Jared hovering near them in the morning in the courtyard, like he might come say something, but never did. Connor knew Evan was avoiding him and Zoe really didn’t like him because he’d been really mean to Evan in the past, so Connor just got on board with them. </p>
<p>He was kind of neutral towards Jared. Yeah, Jared was an asshole, but he always seemed like he was that way because he was trying to over-compensate for something, probably low self-esteem. And he always thought it was weird that Evan said he had lots of friends (which was what Jared told Evan), but he never saw him talking to anyone who wasn’t Evan. Something didn’t add up and Connor was pretty sure that Jared was lying about his “friends” to seem cooler to Evan. But it didn’t really matter what Connor thought, because if he was mean to Evan than that was a deal breaker for him. </p>
<p>He didn’t like anyone who made his best friend feel shitty. </p>
<p>But other than that one specific incident, school had been…well, pleasant. Teachers were nicer to him now that he was putting in some effort. Kids were mostly leaving him alone, probably because he hung around Zoe and Evan now. It was harder to come for someone when they were in a group rather than by themselves.</p>
<p>And Connor was finding that it was harder for other students to talk about them as a group behind their backs too. Connor had been in the bathroom and some dumb jock had been making fun of Evan, his anxiety and his slight stutter and Connor had completely told him off, probably scarring him. But he didn’t care, he’d yell at anyone who was mean to Evan to his face or behind it. And now he was pretty sure it was well known around school that they were good friends. He hadn't heard anything about Evan since. </p>
<p>It had also come through the school gossip flow that Connor and Zoe were now friends with each other too. Not only because they obviously sat with each other, but also because Connor had once again yelled at some stupid creepy boy that had been saying disgusting things about her to his friend. He almost beat the shit out of them, but contained himself, using his anger management skills he’d learned in therapy. But no one treated or talked about his little sister like that. No one. </p>
<p>It wasn’t even that he’d overheard boys talk about her, it was the way they were doing it. If he’d heard someone saying they liked Zoe Murphy, that she was pretty and nice he would have been totally fine. He didn’t have a problem with her dating anyone, it wasn’t his place to tell her what to do, but he felt like it was his job as a big brother to make sure whoever Zoe was with was respectful and kind to her. That’s all he cared about. </p>
<p>Someone like Evan. Except <em>not</em> Evan. They were all friends and neither of them liked the other that way. He was pretty sure of it, because why would they? Evan was like another brother to both of them, their <em>best</em> friend. </p>
<p>But besides those two things, and also the other thing with civics, school had been fun. He liked having Zoe and Evan to sit with at lunch and he really liked having Evan in three of his classes. And his art class had been really good too. He was working on a large-scale landscape using pastels, both things he’d never done before, so it was challenging but he liked it. </p>
<p>He liked that he, Evan, and Zoe had a nice routine going. The days Zoe had band she picked Evan up in the morning and he and Evan went home in the afternoon, and then the days she didn’t they all drove together. They even tried to check in during passing periods if they could manage it. For the first time ever, Connor felt really supported at school and it was probably why he was doing well. </p>
<p>It was pretty safe to say that Connor was telling his therapist a lot of positive things lately. And he was proud of himself for it. And his therapist even said they were proud too. Connor didn’t know how good that would feel, hearing someone say they were proud of him. </p>
<p>And he wasn’t going to lie, he was kind of looking forward to telling his therapist about what they were doing tonight when he saw them next week. Because today Connor and Evan were doing a high school first, they were going to a football game. </p>
<p>Neither him nor Evan gave a single crap about football, but they did give a crap about Zoe, so they were going. They were going to sit in the bleachers, maybe buy some gummy worms from the snack bar or something and cheer Zoe on while she performed with the band. Connor already decided that they were going to be at every home game (because the band didn’t travel) if Zoe was going to. And it hadn’t been a hard sell to Evan.</p>
<p>First, Evan was on board with anything that supported Zoe, but Connor thinks he was excited to just go because he’d mentioned that his mom wanted another photo of them all at the game. But he thinks that Evan was the one who actually wanted it. And that was okay, Connor liked that they had pictures of them together. He wouldn’t mind adding more to the couple he pinned up from his birthday.</p>
<p>Connor thought tonight would be fun too though. Him and Evan were going to hang out like normal, pay attention when Zoe was on, and then after the game, Evan was staying over at their house. And Connor was kind of hoping the “Friday Night Sleepovers” would start to be a regular thing for them because he had a lot of fun at Evan’s last weekend, even with Evan being pretty obviously nervous about it. </p>
<p>But Connor thought that was pretty understandable, he’d been a little nervous too, having never been to a sleepover before or having one of his own. But it had been just like every other time they hung out. They made and decorated the cookies (Connor had cut out a 1 shape and then piped little chairs on it and gave it to Zoe, and he was still proud about it), watched some DVDs they’d brought from their house, Zoe had dealt with ordering a pizza, and then eventually they’d all fallen asleep in Evan’s living room. </p>
<p>And they were probably going to do the same tonight, minus the cookie part. But he was sure his mom had picked up something of a treat for all of them when they got home. She really did try to go all out for Evan, and it was nice his mom liked his only friend so much. She thought he was sweet and a good influence and a good friend to him and to Zoe. Cynthia had decided to dote on Evan even more after him and Zoe had somewhat explained that Evan’s mom wasn’t home much and that without her, he was all alone. After that, it was almost like Evan was a third child to her, Connor even noticed she started buying him things separate from what she picked up for Zoe and him. And it made him happy that Evan was getting a little more mom-ing and that Cynthia had someone else to even out her smothering tendencies with. A good compromise for all really.</p>
<p>What had kind of shocked Connor really was that his dad liked Evan too. Larry had been known to hate everything Connor liked, except for his sister. Larry had never once said anything bad about Evan or implied that he wasn’t a good friend or good person. But it probably had less to do with him and more to do with the fact that Larry saw Evan as <em>Zoe’s</em> friend. But honestly, there wasn’t a lot anyone could say bad about Evan. He was genuinely a good person and tried hard to be one. </p>
<p>Which is definitely why he sees him hug Zoe and excitedly point up into the stands, telling her exactly where he and Connor would be in the bleachers so she could find them if she wanted to. Zoe just nods, giggling a little at Evan’s excitement, and quickly lets go of his hug to readjust her guitar case on her shoulder. </p>
<p>Seeing her look uncomfortable with her guitar, Connor opts to give her a side hug (for luck) and then grabs Evan so Zoe can get to where the band would be set up. They both wish her luck one more time before climbing up the steps of the squeaky metal bleachers, heading right to where Evan had been pointing and sitting down. </p>
<p>“So, um, what happens next?” Evan asks him, turning towards him, picking at the plaster of his cast now that the cotton lining was completely gone. Connor’s a bit confused what Evan means because he had to know the game would start and then hopefully be over soon. </p>
<p>But instead of just wondering what Evan meant, Connor just asks him, “What do you mean Evan? Like when does the game start?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, do you know what time it starts? And how will we know? Because I don’t see like the team, where are they? Does anything else happen before?” Evan asks and Connor can tell he’s nervous because he can’t anticipate everything that might happen, and Connor thinks he’s probably also a little worried that it might get too loud soon. That the football game sounded good on paper, but actually came with a lot of unknowns.</p>
<p>“I don’t really know Evan, I’ve never been to one either. Bought some weed from someone outside the main gate one time though, but not really the same thing. But I think the team will probably come from there,” Connor says pointing vaguely to the direction of their main campus, where the locker rooms were then adds, “I don’t really know how football works at all and I didn’t really care to look it up.” </p>
<p>“No, totally, I mean, um me too. I guess I didn’t know either I probably should have,” Evan starts but is cut off completely by music blaring over the speakers and an announcer (from who knows where) starts talking, introducing all the starting players, and like fifty students come running on to the field.  </p>
<p>Both Connor and Evan jump, not at all expecting this, even though it answered Evan’s question. They definitely knew now that it was starting. But at least the announcer turned down the music, so Connor was less worried about it being too loud for Evan. He looks okay, a little frazzled, but okay and Connor thinks the whole situation was a little funny, so he starts laughing. And soon enough Evan joins in, and Connor knows he’s actually fine. </p>
<p>“Want a picture of us now? And can you see Zoe? Maybe get some of her too, I’m going to try to get a video of her during the halftime thing,” Connor says and Evan nods getting his phone out of his pocket. </p>
<p>Evan gets some of Zoe directing the band and then attempts to take some of them, but to no avail. There was something off about every one he’d taken. Which was kind of funny too, definitely not as easy as Zoe made it seem. </p>
<p>“Maybe it’s your cast or something. Here I’ll try, I have longer arms,” Connor says, laughing as they swiped a second time through the couple that Evan had taken. </p>
<p>And somehow, Connor’s are even worse, which makes both of them laugh even more, making Evan give up, telling him, “Maybe we should just have Zoe take some after the game, but I think I can get some half-way decent ones of her playing.” </p>
<p>“Hi! Is anyone sitting here or can I sit with you guys?” Connor hears, making both him and Evan look away from their terrible photos to acknowledge whoever was talking to them.</p>
<p>Connor’s slightly confused to see Alana Beck standing over them, asking them if she could sit with them. He didn’t know that much about Alana except she was a senior and like super smart and in like a bunch of clubs. He thinks she maybe transferred to their school sophomore year but it could’ve been last year too, but his memories from those two years of school were a little hazy at best for… reasons. And maybe she was his lab partner or in an English class with him at some point too? He honestly couldn’t remember. But he at least knew Alana wasn’t actively mean to him or to Evan, so he was fine talking to her. </p>
<p>Connor looks to Evan to see if would be okay with Alana sitting with them and he looks a little panicked, but that was probably from the directness of Alana’s question, not Alana herself. Alana was starting to look a little wary probably wondering why it was taking so long for them to answer, so Connor quickly tells her, “Yeah Alana, no one is sitting here, you’re more than welcome to sit down.” </p>
<p>Alana nods and sits down next to him and now Connor feels like it’s taken a turn for the awkward. Him and Evan couldn’t keep taking pictures, messing around without having Alana in them, and then they couldn’t ask for her to take a picture of them either, right? That would be weird he thinks, or somewhat hurt Alana’s feelings somehow too and Connor just wanted to avoid all of those possibilities. He didn’t want to be impolite or make things more awkward, him and Evan (and probably Alana) were already awkward enough as it was. </p>
<p>But it doesn’t quite matter if Connor or Evan wanted to take more pictures or not, because the national anthem starts playing and Alana stands up and turns towards the big flag over the scoreboard. Connor notices everyone around them except him and Evan doing it too, so he quickly pulls Evan up to stand with him, even if both of them just stand there. <br/>Connor didn’t know that this was a thing that people did and obviously Evan didn’t know either. </p>
<p>The song seems to last forever, and the person singing was just okay, Connor thought Zoe could probably do a better job, but eventually it stops and the three of them sit back down again. And Alana seems to be excited, clapping a little, saying to no one in particular, “Ooh, the game’s starting!”</p>
<p>Connor just nods at her, not really knowing what else to say, and Alana takes that as an indication to keep talking, telling them, “You know football has been around since the 1860’s and the US and Canada are the only places that call this game football. And it’s kind of weird because there’s barely anything to do with your feet in this sport, well nowadays. So the name is very misleading.” </p>
<p>“Oh, um, yeah I guess so,” Connor tells her, trying to be nice to her and also hopefully calm Evan down a little bit. Connor knew Evan got anxious around new people and sometimes stuttered, but he really didn’t think Alana would care if he did, she might not even notice at the pace she was talking if Evan even said anything. </p>
<p>“And did you know it wasn’t until the 40’s that players had to wear helmets? And even with helmets, football players are the most likely of any athletes to experience traumatic brain injuries?” Alana says, turning to face Connor a little better, like she was excited that she had someone to tell this to, that someone was talking to her. </p>
<p>“Um, no we didn’t Alana,” Connor responds, not exactly knowing what say when someone starts talking about brain injuries or any type of injuries. Connor actually really hopes Alana doesn’t mention Evan’s cast or ask about it, because he knew that Evan didn’t like talking about it. He didn’t want Evan to be more uncomfortable, but he did seem to be warming up to Alana’s presence because he didn’t look so tense anymore. </p>
<p>“Yeah, football players and then cheerleaders. Crazy stuff,” Alana says a little dryly, like it wasn’t crazy at all. </p>
<p>“Yeah, c-crazy,” Evan says quietly, trying to be part of the conversation. If that’s even what this could be considered, because Connor thinks it’s just a little weird. Alana was being nice and all, but rapid-fire spitting facts about football, when neither him nor Evan were here for the game was awkward. But then again, how would Alana know that? Maybe she really liked football and thought telling them these facts were fun. But Connor didn’t get that vibe, it wasn’t at all like when Zoe would tell them music history facts, Alana’s tone just seemed <em>off</em>. </p>
<p>“And football games used to be seventy minutes long, instead of sixty which is weird because seventeen and a half minutes per quarter is so much more random than fifteen minutes,” Alana tells them, and Connor thinks he need to step in. He wouldn’t mind talking to Alana, because she clearly knew things, but he really doesn’t want to spend the next hour and half talking about football. He’d rather leave. </p>
<p>“Hey Alana, um, we don’t really care about football,” Connor says just as Alana was about to tell them probably another “fun” fact about the sport. And Connor thinks he might have made a mistake, because Alana’s face falls and she turns away from him and Evan. </p>
<p>“Oh, um, well I can stop talking I guess, or um, actually I should just probably go,” Alana says sadly, and this was not what Connor wanted at all. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings, making her think that all the rumors about him were true. She was nice and he’d wanted to be nice back. </p>
<p>Connor grabs her sleeve as Alana tries to get up and says, “No, no, that’s not what I meant. You don’t have to go Alana. But we could maybe talk about something else? Me and Evan are only here because my sister Zoe is in the band and it’s her first time leading them. We’re here to support her. We don’t care about football all that much.” </p>
<p>Evan’s nodding along with him and Connor knows he was thinking the same thing. That Alana should stay, but they could maybe find a topic that was a better fit for all of them. Connor thinks that way maybe Evan could talk a little bit more too. He’d probably feel more comfortable because Connor knows he would be.</p>
<p>“Oh, I see now,” Alana says sitting back down beside Connor, explaining further, “I learned a bunch of facts because I thought people who came to games liked football. I guess I didn’t think of having another reason to be here.” </p>
<p>“Why did you come Alana?” Evan asks softly, and it’s not accusatory or rude in any way, but Evan had a way of doing that. Speaking without having any ulterior motive, just inquisition and gentleness. And Connor’s proud of him for talking directly to Alana too. </p>
<p>“Um, I guess I was trying to talk to more people, but you guys were the first ones who said I could sit with them,” Alana admits to them, and Connor totally understands where Alana was coming from now. She was trying to make friends, using the skills she had, and didn’t him, Zoe, and Evan do that very same thing this summer? Put themselves out there in the only way they knew how? Alana was just trying her hardest. </p>
<p>“You can totally talk to us Alana, but maybe about other things though? Know any facts about um…” Connor trails off, suddenly at a loss of words, unable to come up with any other topics that him, Evan, and her could have in common. </p>
<p>“Trees? I know a lot about trees,” Evan says, just as Connor was about to suggest podcasts or something equally as neutral. But Evan’s is way better and Connor can’t help but laugh because of course his best friend suggested trees as their topic. It was so <em>Evan</em>. </p>
<p>“Evan really does know a lot about trees. He worked at Ellison over the summer,” Connor supplies, still laughing a bit, but good naturedly. He wasn’t laughing at Evan, he wouldn’t do that, and Evan knew that. </p>
<p>“That’s really cool Evan. I did a lot of volunteer work over the summer and an internship,” Alana says, smiling at both of them, probably also a little happy that she didn’t have to talk about football anymore. That they could all talk about some more real things, things they actually liked. </p>
<p>“Cool, where at?” Evan asks, and Connor can tell Evan is genuinely interested in what Alana had to say. And Alana is clearly more than thrilled that someone was asking further, that she didn’t have to just talk with no one listening. </p>
<p>“Oh you know a little bit of everything, Planned Parenthood, an animal shelter, the local library, the food bank. Just trying to help out,” Alana says confidently, relaxing a bit now that she probably figured that Evan and Connor weren’t going to tell her to leave or ignore her. </p>
<p>“Which one did you like best?” Evan asks her, shooting Connor a glance as if to ask him “was that a normal thing to ask?” and Connor nods slightly because he thought that was a pretty normal thing to ask. She couldn’t have liked all of them equally, there had to be a favorite, right? </p>
<p>“I mean the spirit of volunteering is probably what I liked best, helping the people who needed it,” Alana says slightly unemotionally, like she was in an interview or something, the same tone she’d been using when talking about football facts. Connor had thought they were past that, but maybe Alana thought they would judge her? Evan’s minor look of confusion tells Connor he’s thinking the same thing.  </p>
<p>“But I guess if I had to pick one it was probably the animal shelter. I spent a lot of time with some really amazing dogs and I really wanted to adopt one, a little lab mix, but my parents said no,” Alana adds, her voice back to sounding real, woven in with real sadness. And Connor thinks the fact that out of all the things Alana said she did, her favorite was the one with no people. That her college-application answer was “the experience” but her truth was having someone to talk to, even if it was a dog, someone who seemed happy to see her. </p>
<p>And Connor didn’t miss that she said no one else said she could sit with them. That the only reason she was here was to make friends. And Connor’s glad she came up to them. He didn’t want Alana to be lonely, he didn’t want anyone to be lonely. </p>
<p>Zoe, Evan, and him were like the anti-lonely club and if she needed someone to like sit with or talk to, they could be that. </p>
<p>Alana seemed really nice, like she could fit in with them. He didn’t think she would tease Evan, wouldn’t judge him for his reputation from the last couple years, and she wouldn’t be so fake towards Zoe (maybe for like interviews and applications, but probably not towards Zoe). </p>
<p>He had a feeling that Alana was overwhelmingly herself and some people just weren’t ready for that, but he was pretty sure they could be. </p>
<p>The three of them continue to chatter on and Connor and Evan learn a lot more about Alana, her class schedule, her college hopes, more about the animal shelter, and much more. They only take a break during the quarter, clapping and hollering as they finish their song, waving to Zoe excitedly. </p>
<p>They all get even more excited when halftime rolls around and they watch Zoe lead the band out onto the track (the power outlets didn’t make it all the way to the field). Zoe sees them and gives them a small wave back and they stop after that, not wanting to distract her or overtly embarrass her. </p>
<p>The band plays three songs in total and they sound incredible. Adding in all the other instruments seem to compliment Zoe even more. And after listening to her play alone all summer he feels like he knows her style and can tell that she’s influenced the arrangement. And he knows Zoe was his sister and he was probably biased, but he knows she was the best one for the role. She was a natural. </p>
<p>Connor looks over to Evan and he looks dazed, completely transfixed by Zoe and he glances at Alana too and she looks pretty impressed. He was incredibly proud of Zoe and even manages to get a decent video of her playing to show her later. </p>
<p>After halftime, they go back to chatting and Connor’s surprised at how quickly the rest of the game goes by. Their high school ends up wining and the crowd seems super excited about it, but luckily, they all clear out quickly, making it easy for them to find Zoe. </p>
<p>Alana stays with them as they venture out of the bleachers towards Zoe, claiming she wanted to tell Zoe herself how good her and the band were. And Connor doesn’t mind her tagging along and neither does Evan (he had calmed down a lot once Alana had very nicely talked to him about trees), and he was kind of hoping that Alana would feel okay enough to keep hanging out with them.</p>
<p>“Ah! Zoe you did so good!” Evan somewhat yells to Zoe, abandoning them in favor of running the rest of the way to Zoe. She smiles brightly at him, looking just as happy to see Evan. </p>
<p>“Thanks Ev, it was a lot of fun,” Zoe says blushing a little at Evan, as Connor and Alana finally catch up to them. </p>
<p>“Yeah Zoe you picked great songs, the whole crowd loved it. It was awesome,” Connor tells her as Zoe packed up her guitar, not quite realizing that Alana was actually part of their little group. </p>
<p>“Thanks Connor, I knew the last one was a risk, but it went really well,” Zoe says, finally looking to Alana and noticing that she was waiting to tell Zoe something too. Zoe looks a little confused, probably as to why Alana was with them, but Connor knew Zoe would be nice, she always was. </p>
<p>“Hi Zoe! I also thought you did a really excellent job,” Alana says back to being a little stiffer with her tone, and Connor thinks Alana was just a little worried that Zoe would write her off or just completely ignore her. </p>
<p>“Thank you Alana, really that’s so nice of you,” Zoe says kindly, smiling at Alana and Connor watches as Alana smiles back at her, no longer worried about Zoe’s reaction to her presence. </p>
<p>“Well, thank you for letting me sit with you, it was fun,” Alana says, looking at both Evan and Connor, shifting her weight back and forth like she wasn’t sure if she should leave or not. </p>
<p>“Yeah it was, and Alana, if you want, you can sit with us at lunch too, if that’s okay?” Connor says, glancing at Evan and Zoe, double checking that his offer to Alana was okay. Evan and Zoe nod to him and then to Alana to reassure her that it really was fine if she wanted to continue to sit with them. </p>
<p>“We always meet in the courtyard, so yeah,” Connor says letting her know where she could find them come lunchtime Monday. </p>
<p>“Yes, thank you, um I’ll take you up on that. So um, I guess I’ll see you all Monday. Goodnight,” Alana says, smiling sheepishly and waving goodbye to them, heading towards the parking lot. </p>
<p>“Goodnight!” Zoe, Connor, and Evan all say at the same time, returning Alana’s waves until they can’t really see her anymore. They hang around the band area, until everyone is gone, and Zoe feels good that everything is put away or has been taken home by their owner. </p>
<p>Afterwards they all make their way to the parking lot and Connor tells them, “You guys Alana’s really nice, I think she could be our friend too. I think she’s lonely.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, she was nice to talk to and I think you’d like her too Zoe,” Evan says, agreeing with him, and they both look to Zoe, curious to hear her thoughts on Alana. </p>
<p>“I’m glad you guys were nice to her. I’ve heard other people say some not so nice things about her, but I don’t know she always seemed kind of sweet even if she’s a little intense sometimes. I just rarely see her since she’s in your grade,” Zoe says, confirming Connor’s thoughts that his little sister would be on board with inviting Alana into their group.</p>
<p>“You can get to know her during lunch Zo,” Evan says, and Connor thinks Evan looks like he’s about to grab her hand, but he was probably just trying to balance her guitar case, like help her with it. Yeah, that was it.  </p>
<p>“Yeah it’ll be fun, but for now, I’m just ready for home and movies. I didn’t think leading would make me even more tired than just playing,” Zoe says and not in a bad way, but Connor does think she looks pretty tired. It had probably been stressful planning all she’d done for the first time. But he can’t take the opportunity to not tease her, so he says, “See this is why I’m the driver, you would’ve been too tired.” </p>
<p>“Shut up,” Zoe laughs, shooting a mischievous glance to Evan who nods a little before they both push Connor playfully towards his car. They all bust up laughing and Connor can’t really think of a better way to spend a Friday night.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alana is part of the group now!!! I'm enjoying writing a very different Alana from last time and I hope you like her too! And I hope you enjoy that Zoe and Evan are heating up by like one degree! And is Connor really noticing what's going on??</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. There's Nothing I Hate More</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan drops out of Spanish. Evan and Connor have a chat.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi Everyone! I don't have a great chapter title so don't read too much into it lol. And oh boy is this chapter a doozy. I think it definitely shows different perspectives for the different characters. And that's pretty important because now we're building up the tension... </p><p>But a big chunk of the chapter is Evan standing up for himself and taking his life in a direction he wants, even though it stresses him out. I really like that because I hope it shows that he's growing. </p><p>I would absolutely love to hear what you guys think, about everything but mainly about the middle part and the end, and you'll see what that means *over exaggerated wink* And as always thank you guys so much for the support and the continued investment in this story! It all means so much to me and I really hope you're enjoying it!!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan finds that Alana fits into their little group quite nicely the more she starts to hang out with them. He liked seeing her shell break away bit by bit the more she started to trust them and genuinely believed that they wanted to be her friend. Not an acquaintance. Not a peer. Not a colleague. A friend. And he wonders if that’s how it was for him too. </p><p>Tiny pieces of trust until suddenly Zoe and Connor became his everything. </p><p>And maybe Alana didn’t quite feel like that, but Evan got the feeling that she was happier with them than without. And Alana was only bringing them a little more happiness too. Evan thinks especially for Zoe. He’d known they would get along fine; Zoe was way too sweet for that to not happen, but he was glad that they actually were becoming good friends. </p><p>He’d never thought about it too much until Alana, but he wondered just a little if Zoe missed talking to another girl more than what she got to do with like band or class. And it wasn’t that him and Connor were too “bro-y” or unwilling to talk to her about “girly” stuff (honestly, Evan found that he quite enjoyed a lot of things that were traditionally considered feminine that Zoe had showed him, painting his nails (well Connor did that one too), watching her shop, he’d learn to braid recently). But he couldn’t quite describe it, it was like Alana just brought a different energy to their group and it was nice for all of them. A welcome addition.</p><p>Evan wished she got to hang out with them more though. Alana did so many extracurricular activities that she had commitments for that she didn’t have as much time as Evan to hang out all day. But she’d come over Wednesday after school to do homework with them and he knows Cynthia had been delighted to meet her (watching Alana morph into the ultimate parent-pleaser had been pretty funny to him, Connor, and Zoe). And she was coming with them to the next home football game too, which was this Friday. </p><p>But what Evan was most excited for (for Alana and himself) was that Zoe had been planning something for them to do Saturday night that had absolutely nothing to do with school, a nice break for all of them. They hadn’t gotten to do something akin to their summer adventures since school started and Evan was looking forward to it, no longer particularly anxious about things like going to the movie theatre or mall or anything. He thinks Zoe maybe mentioned bowling or something, he couldn’t quite remember because he’d been distracted by the way the sun was making her hair look both brown and red at the same time, golden and beautiful. But he was sure whatever she planned would be fun. </p><p>Anything to make him not think about school for a while was definitely okay by Evan. </p><p>School had definitely picked up in the last week and he wasn’t quite to the point where he’d say he was struggling but so far, the work for each class had been a lot to balance. Especially Spanish. He’d been working on things with Zoe, practicing speaking, writing, verb tenses, but it was like as soon as he got to class it was gone. And they weren’t allowed to speak in English so Evan couldn’t even quietly ask the teacher for help because he didn’t know what to say or how to do it. He knew if it kept on like this he’d fall even further behind. Then he’d probably fail the class. Then he couldn’t graduate. Then he’d never get a job because he’d be a high school dropout. Then his mom would hate him. He’d be even worse off than the beginning of the summer and he’d probably never recover from it at all.  </p><p>Which is why he was seriously considering switching out of it completely. It didn’t seem worth it anymore. The only reason he was in it at all was because the school had put him in “college track” classes his freshman year, and his advisor had said a foreign language was a requirement for most college admissions and he would need to take it every year to meet that requirement. </p><p>When he tried to tell his advisor that it probably wasn’t a good fit for him, he had an anxiety attack which was when his mom got called, and she’d been the one who agreed that it was a good idea for him to take them, believing that Evan was going to go to university straight from high school. </p><p>But he didn’t believe that anymore and if he was being completely honest, never really had. He wasn’t sure if university college was for him at all, which was why he’d somewhat been looking up information on the community college in their town. He could take maybe a couple classes, maybe even some online, try to maybe get another job (not one at Ellison though), just try something different and see how he adjusted to it all. </p><p>Except he hadn’t told his mom yet, about any of it. She was so excited for him to go to college, to be in a dorm, to go to big lectures, to really “find himself” the next couple of years. He’d never had the heart to tell her all those things terrified him. </p><p>Sharing a room with a stranger? In a building full of other strangers? Class sizes that were bigger than the twenty-five students in his high school classes? Separating himself from Zoe and Connor? Being alone and friendless once again? He can’t fathom any of those things, even just considering it made him panic preemptively. </p><p>It just couldn’t be his life, not yet anyway. Maybe he’d feel better after next year or maybe he wouldn’t, but he knew right now he couldn’t do it. And he had to tell his mom that. </p><p>And he had to do it soon because the switch/drop deadline was coming up soon and after that Evan would be trapped in a class that he knew he would fail, which would more than likely cause a downward spiral for him for the rest of his life. And his life had just started looking up, he really, really didn’t want to go back down. </p><p>But maybe his mom wouldn’t be disappointed? Maybe she’d understand where he was coming from. But he knew that wasn’t likely. She never really understood why he couldn’t just <em>do</em> things like other kids. And now that he had friends, had shown in some semblance of a way that he could be normal, she expected it even more. </p><p>At least he talked it over with Zoe and Connor though, last night after Alana left. He’d asked for their advice, not only on how to tell his mom, but maybe what to take in place of Spanish. He’d never chosen his own classes before, so he wasn’t sure at all what to do. </p><p>He’d even confessed to them his plan about not going to college or just taking some classes at the community college next year. They’d both been really supportive, the way Evan had grown to expect from his friends, which made him feel better about it all. And he did notice that Zoe’s demeanor got just the slightest bit happier when she figured out that Evan’s plan meant that he’d be staying here, in their town, for at least another year, that he wouldn’t be thinking about leaving until she was. And the thought of not having to leave at least Zoe made him feel like he was doing the right thing. </p><p>Much to Evan’s surprise, during their discussion of the future, Connor had told them he was maybe thinking about applying to art school. His art teacher had suggested it to him and said they’d help him make a portfolio and submit applications. They thought he was talented and could go really far if he wanted to. Connor had said no one had ever really told him that before, that he’d never considered his art as a job before. </p><p>He just wasn’t sure how supportive his parents would be. He had a college fund (so did Zoe) meant to be used for education past high school and Connor had never thought about using it before, but now he felt like he could. But he could see his dad saying that it was meant for a legitimate education that unless Connor went to a “real” school and got a “useful” degree that he’d never see a cent of it. </p><p>Zoe had said she was worried about the same thing. She wanted to keep doing music after high school. She wasn’t sure where she might go, but she wanted to immerse herself in music. Studying the history of styles, composing, making arrangements, writing songs, everything she already did, just on a professional scale. And she didn’t think her parents were ready to be confronted with the fact they had two very artistic kids, who had dreams bigger than getting a business degree and being a lawyer.  </p><p>But overall, it had been comforting talking about everything with them, to know that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to take a “traditional” path, that it wasn’t a bad thing. He wasn’t broken for wanting to stray from what was expected of him. </p><p>And today he was going to do it. He was going to see his academic advisor during lunch and get the drop/switch form so he could give it back Friday. Then he’d never have to face his Spanish teacher or the other students or be forced to speak in a different language ever again. He could focus on other things now, be successful in all his classes instead of unraveling completely because of one. </p><p>Zoe and Connor walk with him to the admin building where the academic advisor’s offices were, Alana said she would’ve too, but she had to meet with one of her own teachers about a project she was working on. It was okay though, Evan didn’t need all three of his friends to pick up one paper and have a quick meeting, hopefully. </p><p>Connor and Zoe don’t come in with him, but Zoe quickly grabs his wrist and gives it a small squeeze of support as Evan takes a deep breath. He could totally do this, it was for his best interest, he wanted to do this. </p><p>Evan walks in and immediately heads for his own advisor’s office and thankfully he’s there and notices Evan quickly. </p><p>“Evan, hello! Do you need something?” Mr. Davidson says, gesturing for Evan to come inside his office. </p><p>“Um, I n-need to drop a class and switch in-into a new one,” Evan says, doing his best to sound assertive even though he could hear his voice shaking a little. </p><p>“Okay, let’s take a look at your schedule. What class do you want to switch and why?” he asks, turning away from Evan and towards his computer to pull up Evan’s student information. </p><p>“Uh, Spanish, um I’m already behind and it’s st-starting to mess up my other classes too. And those, um, they’re a lot of w-work too,” Evan says, hoping that was a good enough reason. He didn’t even think about the possibility that Mr. Davidson wouldn’t <em>let</em> him switch out. </p><p>“That’s understandable, but may I suggest that if classes feel overwhelming, we do offer a peer tutoring services that many students find helpful. But it does look like you have enough credits for graduation requirements, so you don’t actually need a new class, you could have a free period. But if you want to take a new class in its place, there’s an opening in culinary arts, AP Geography, woodshop, or you could TA for a teacher too, help grade and run errands for them,” Mr. Davidson tells him supportively, giving Evan all the options of what he could do to fill his fourth period. </p><p>Evan wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do yet and he doesn’t know if he has to decide right now either considering his mom still had to sign the form, so he asks, “Um, can I think about it? I have to um, talk to mom tonight about it all.” </p><p>“The deadline to switch is next Friday, so as long as you return the form to me before then, then everything will be fine Evan,” he says, printing out the form and handing it to Evan. </p><p>“Okay, um I will. Thank you, Mr. Davidson,” Evan says taking the form and getting up from his chair. He was hoping he could leave now, but he awkwardly waits just in case Mr. Davidson has more to say about the process or more about the classes, but all he does is wave and tells him, “You’re welcome Evan, see you soon.” </p><p>Evan nods and hustles out of the offices, taking a deep breath. One adult down and one to go. He was halfway to escaping Spanish forever. Too bad his mom would be harder to convince than his advisor. </p><p>When he gets out of the building, Connor and Zoe are still waiting for him and look excited once they see he has the form and was visibly okay (no tears, no shaking). He was actually kind of proud of himself. </p><p>“How’d it go Ev? Good?” Zoe asks even though she probably already knew the answer. Evan also sees the way she instinctively reaches for his hand, but catches herself, pulling back at the last minute. She was probably worried about being too much or something, but she really wasn’t. He wouldn’t mind holding her hand…ever. </p><p>“Actually yeah, I think it went really good. Mr. Davidson said I could take a free period and I think I might do that. It’s be nice to have a chance to do more homework or study while I’m already at school, especially for chem,” Evan tells them as they start to walk to the courtyard to meet Alana like normal. </p><p>“That makes a lot of sense, probably your best option,” Zoe says, nodding approvingly at his plan. He also knew his fourth period would also be during first lunch, so maybe just maybe sometimes Connor or Zoe could sneak out early and come visit him in the library, since no one would know they weren’t supposed to be there. Not all the time since their classes were important, but he knew Connor was breezing through French and Zoe was doing fine in history, so maybe on a special occasion. </p><p>“Yeah, thank god too because then you can keep helping me in that class because I don’t want to fail. I prefer having my car and Larry already threatened to take it away after that whole civics shit,” Connor tells them and that was news to Evan. He knew he’d gotten sent out of class, but it wasn’t even a big deal, Connor hadn’t even gotten a detention for it, but his teacher must have called his parents anyway. </p><p>“Yeah, sorry Zo, we definitely can’t all fit in your bug, so Connor has to pass chem,” Evan laughs as Zoe mumbles in pretend outrage about her bug being perfectly the right size, apparently it wasn’t her fault they were too tall. Connor and him just laugh some more, knowing they had this argument (not really an argument though) at least every other day. </p><p>“But I mostly just feel so much better about not having to think about Spanish anymore, at least if my mom signs the thing. I know she’ll upset tonight when I tell her,” Evan tells them, suddenly feeling heavier and a lot less proud of himself for talking to Mr. Davidson. He’d been nothing compared to his mom.</p><p>“Hey Ev, don’t think too much about that, because she might not be. Maybe she’ll understand and just be happy and excited to plan a new path with you,” Zoe says as they sit down at an empty table together. Zoe doesn’t quite reach for his hand again, but hooks just her pinky around his, a more subtle show of support. And even though she was probably just being nice, Evan can’t help but start to blush. </p><p>“Yeah maybe Zo,” Evan tells her, trying to be optimistic if she was, giving her a weak smile. </p><p>“Hey, I’ll tell you what Evan, if you tell your mom tonight, then I’ll tell mine that I’m applying to art school,” Connor says, looking between Zoe and Evan, clearly trying to gauge their response to his announcement. </p><p>And Evan couldn’t be happier for his friend. Connor had mentioned it last night, but that seemed like a maybe, like he wasn’t sure at all, but now Connor sounded like this was the only path he was going to go down. And to Evan it seemed right. Connor was insanely talented and getting a chance to refine that and learn more was going to be an incredible opportunity for him. </p><p>“You’re really going to?” Zoe asks just as excited for Connor as Evan was, maybe even more so. She’d probably known for a while that this was where Connor would end up but had been too worried to push for it too strongly.  </p><p>“Yeah, I really thought about it more last night after we were talking, and I think I really want to. I’ve really liked learning new styles and techniques and everything and I just want more of that, you know? Like I have no idea what I’ll do after that, but next year I want to create and do art full time,” Connor says, fiddling with the strap of his messenger bag instead of taking it off, probably still a little nervous about his decision and the fact he would have to tell his parents too. </p><p>“That’s awesome Connor, I’m so proud of you! And yeah, you should definitely start with Mom and see how that goes,” Zoe tells him, both of them incredibly aware of Larry’s blatant display of favoritism towards Zoe. And even from just holding her pinky, Evan can tell she was tense about it. Zoe didn’t approve of how her dad treated Connor and he knew it was hard for her, being caught in the middle. </p><p>“Then tonight we can tell each other how it went. What do you think Evan?” Connor asks him, finally taking his bag off and moving it aside, likely so Alana  could sit next to him when she got there. </p><p>“Yeah I can do that. We can do this Connor,” Evan tells him, feeling somewhat okay about it now. He and Connor would both being telling their parents something scary and they could completely understand where the other one was coming from. </p><p>“Totally, oh look there’s ‘Lana,” Connor says, waving to Alana who was headed towards them. Evan and Zoe wave to her too, glad their timing worked out almost perfectly. </p><p>Did Connor just call her “Lana”? That was definitely new and not something he’d expected to hear from Connor, Zoe was the one who usually shortened their names and they picked up the habit from her, not the other way around. </p><p>And the more Evan thinks about it, he thinks maybe there was another reason Connor was so nice to Alana, a reason why they got along so well. Maybe they liked each other. Maybe something more than friendly was going on. Probably not past little crush phases, but maybe. </p><p>Alana always sat next to Connor the same way Evan always sat next to Zoe. Alana laughed at all his dry jokes, even the ones that sometimes took him or Zoe slightly longer to figure out. Alana smiled a lot at him, well, at all of them really now that she was more comfortable around them, so maybe that one didn’t count. But Alana always greeted Connor first. So many things were starting to add up and Evan knows he’s on to something. Connor and Alana totally liked each other. </p><p>He’d have to ask Zoe what she thought the next time they were alone together, but right now he was practically giddy, realizing that he’d figured out something “socially” before anyone else (unless they did know and no one told him, but he didn’t think so). He doesn’t even take a moment to think about if he’d ever seen <em>Connor</em> do anything flirty besides calling her Lana, but it probably didn’t matter.</p><p>If Connor and Alana became a thing, it would probably be a lot easier for him and Zoe to do the same (if he ever got enough courage to tell her how he felt), because then they wouldn’t be the only “couple” in their friend group, how perfect they would all be together. But that was also kind of selfish of him. He also thought that Alana and Connor would be pretty cute together. A nice complement to each other’s personalities and interests. </p><p>Evan is a good mood for the rest of lunch, not really paying attention to anything but his daydreams, thinking about his friends dating, which led him to him and Zoe dating, especially with the way Zoe’s leg was pressed against his, sitting so close to him even though there was plenty of room on the bench, pinkies still linked together. And he doesn’t think about Spanish or his mom, only happy romantic things that might come to very soon. Everything would work out perfectly. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>After school Evan goes home with Connor like he normally did on Thursday since Zoe had band and they hang out and work on their chem homework until Zoe gets home. Since school started Connor had to change his therapy appointment times to Thursdays to work better, so he leaves for that, promising Evan that he would talk to his mom when he got back. Evan promises to do the same and spends the time before he has to go home to see his own mom listening to Zoe practice a particularly difficult scale that she claimed she’d messed up at practice. It sounded amazing to Evan, but then so did everything she played. </p><p>And eventually Evan has to go home since his mom had promised to be home for dinner tonight and Evan can’t really miss the opportunity to get her to sign his form. So Zoe takes him home and for as much as him and Connor tease her about her car, Evan loved it. </p><p>It always smelled like flowers and Zoe always played really good music and he liked being close to her. Even though there were probably so many things he could choose from, he thinks the time he gets to spend with Zoe alone, driving in her car were his favorite. He always felt calm and safe and he couldn’t really describe it more past that, he just really loved it. </p><p>Which was why he was having such a difficult time leaving today. He hadn’t thought about how terrible everything could go until right now, right when he was about to leave the safety of Zoe and her little bug. They’d been sitting, parked in front of his house for a good two minutes already, but he just wasn’t ready yet, so he asks Zoe shyly, “Could we just listen to one more song?” </p><p>“That depends, is it because you really love this band and are in awe of my musical curation skills? Or is it because you don’t want to see your mom yet?” Zoe asks, raising one of her eyebrows at him, knowing all too well that he was avoiding going home. </p><p>“Um, both?” Evan says more like a question than a statement, looking away from Zoe and down and his hands. It was true that he was always in awe of her, but it was also true that he was avoiding the inevitable. </p><p>Just what if his mom wouldn’t sign it? What if she didn’t understand and tried to force him into staying? What if she was so mad when he told her he didn’t want to go to a university that she kicked him out? What if they got into a huge fight and she never talked to him? What if for the first time ever she told him to his face what a disappointment of a son he was to her? That he was truly the most ungrateful unworthy son, to squander all the opportunity she’d worked so hard to give him? What would he do if any of those things happened?</p><p>“That’s fair,” Zoe says reaching across his lap to grab his hand, tugging him to turn more towards her, adding, “It’ll be okay Evan. It’s just one class and it is <em>your</em> future, you’re the one who gets to decide what happens, not your mom. And if it helps, sometimes when I need something extra on my side against my parents, I’ll throw in that I talked it over with Dr. Darren and they said it was good for my personal growth. Maybe you could use that one?” </p><p>“Yeah, maybe,” Evan says, squeezing her hand lightly so she knew he really did appreciate her advice and help. He still doesn’t really want to leave, but he’s not one hundred percent sure it has to do with his mom. He’d been finding that it was harder and harder to leave her lately, for any amount of time.</p><p>“You’re going to do great; I just know it. But um, if it doesn’t you can just call me whenever your mom leaves and I’ll come get you. You can stay the night with us. Maybe somehow tell my mom then she could convince yours?” Zoe says, trying to both reassure that it would be fine and give him a plan in case it didn’t. She probably didn’t want him alone and upset tonight. </p><p>But he wants her to know that he wouldn’t just go to her if things went poorly, that she was also the first person he ever wanted to tell if things went right for him, that he appreciated her as more than just a comfort, so he smiles a real smile at her and tells her, “I’ll call you even if it goes perfectly. Thank you Zoe.” </p><p>Before she can respond, Evan pulls their clasped hands and pulls her into a tight hug, nuzzling his head into her neck. Zoe doesn’t have any objections to Evan’s hug and there was a strong possibility he imagined it, but he swears he hears her sigh contentedly before starting to gently rub circles along his back.  </p><p>Eventually Evan starts to pull away, but Zoe doesn’t let him and tugs him even tighter to her. And Evan feels so much better just instantly. So much better, that he doesn’t even think about it at all and just pulls away to kiss her cheek lightly. </p><p>And Evan cannot believe he just did that. He’s never kissed anyone before, not even on the cheek, and out of nowhere he just did it to Zoe like a total weirdo. He immediately pulls away from their hug and takes a small glance at her to see how upset she was, but she looked like she was in shock and rightfully so. He can’t take seeing her upset so he looks back down at his hands instead. </p><p>“Oh my god Zoe, I’m so sorry. I can’t, um, I’m really sorry. We were hugging and you just make me feel better and you always know what to say. And I don’t know why I did that, it was so stupid and totally not okay,” Evan says to her all without taking a breath or looking up to Zoe. </p><p>But if would just look to her, he’d see that she’d set her hand right to where Evan had kissed her, touching her own blushing skin delicately, grinning, completely enamored by what had just transpired. She wasn’t mad, far from it really, if Evan would only take the chance to find out.</p><p>And then suddenly Evan feels Zoe quickly peck his cheek too, as fast and sweet as it could be, freezing him from spewing out more rambling apologies, finally making him glance up at her. </p><p>He finds her still grinning, still flushed and she says, “It’s okay Evan, really, now we’re even. It wasn’t stupid and you’re not stupid.” </p><p>“Okay,” is all Evan manages to say, keeping himself from telling her every single thing he loved about her right then and there. He was completely confused by what was happening but too happy to care all that much. His mom could probably tell him she never wanted to see him again and he wouldn’t care because <em>Zoe Murphy just kissed him.</em> </p><p>“Good, glad that’s settled. And you’ll still call me tonight, no matter how it goes with your mom?” Zoe asks, probably slightly concerned that he couldn’t even speak, that he might have forgotten everything they’d talked about beforehand. But she didn’t have to worry because Evan was pretty sure this conversation would be on an endless loop in his head for all eternity. </p><p>“Of course, I’ll always tell you,” Evan says, finding his voice again and noticing how soft and lovesick he sounded. Did he always sound like this? Would Zoe notice? Did he want her to? </p><p>“Okay good,” Zoe says, starting to bite her lower lip, and Evan didn’t know why he wouldn’t look at her before, wasted time really, because he loved the pink tinge to her cheeks, the way her eyes were sparkling and what if he just kissed her for real? </p><p>No, no he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t just go around kissing her without asking her and he just wasn’t ready to face her saying no. Because she might and he’d be crushed, but he’d obviously respect it. </p><p>And she probably only kissed his cheek to make him feel not so weird, to make him stop apologizing. Like a “see it’s totally normal” type of kiss. Probably not a “I’m so in love with you too” type. Evan was sure there was a difference, therefore he’d know for sure if that happened. This was the normal type. Because it was totally normal to kiss your best friend. Completely. </p><p>“Um, I guess I should go inside,” Evan says, trying to maybe give Zoe an out if she wanted it. He couldn’t really tell all that much. But he felt exhilarated, and if Zoe didn’t, he didn’t want to stay and make it weirder or anything. </p><p>“Um, yeah I guess so. It has been more than one song,” Zoe says sheepishly, tucking her hair behind her ears, referencing the reason Evan had stayed in her car longer to begin with. But the way she says it, doesn’t make Evan think she actually wants him to go.</p><p>“Oh right,” Evan says, playing with his hands, making no actual effort to leave quite yet. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t leave her. It wasn’t Zoe’s either. It was someone else’s entirely, yeah he’d go with that. </p><p>“Yeah,” Zoe mumbles softly, clearly unsure of what to do, which was hard because Evan almost always followed her lead, so if she didn’t know what to do, Evan sure as hell didn’t.</p><p>But he thinks the longer he stays in the little protective bubble of her car, the more he would convince himself that he should ask her if he can kiss her, which if that happened, he’d probably pass out completely, destroying any capacity that he had talk to his mom about stupid college and stupid Spanish, and for his immediate future, that was probably important. </p><p>So Evan very forlornly repeats, “yeah” and grabs his bag. But he doesn’t want Zoe to think he’s sad because of her, so he smiles at her again before saying, “Bye Zoe” and stepping out of the car. </p><p>“Bye Evan,” Zoe waves, and Evan thinks her returning smile was edging towards flirty, but honestly, he didn’t know anything at all about anything, so he just stands there and waves to her until he can’t see her car anymore. </p><p>Did that whole exchange really just happen? The chance that Evan just imagined that all was high, but he was choosing to believe that it was real, that he’d just kissed his best friend and long-time crush and in response she’d kissed him back. That both of them were getting bolder and more upfront about their feelings. And Evan thinks that maybe today wasn’t the right time to talk to Zoe about it all, but it was likely that that time was coming up and quickly. He didn’t want to risk their friendship, but he also didn’t think it was possible to keep all his feelings in anymore. He’d wait for the perfect time to do it, maybe try to plan something special. Maybe he could ask her to the fall formal that was coming up? Yeah, that was a good idea.</p><p>Evan realizes he’s been standing in his driveway waving to nothing for quite some time, so he snaps out of his scheming and heads inside his own house, refocusing on the task at hand, telling his mom about Spanish. </p><p>Evan has barely closed the front door when he hears his mom from their kitchen yell to him, “Oh Evan, I’m so glad you’re home! Come here!”</p><p>Of course he was home, they had dinner plans and had briefly talked about it a few days ago. He’d really only seen her here and there since school started and when they made the plan (before Evan decided to drop Spanish) he’d been fairly excited about telling her things. His second appointment with Dr. Sherman, the football game, Alana hanging out with them, he wanted to share all that, include her in the parts of his life that were making him happy.  </p><p>Like always, she’d forgotten. She probably had to leave soon and just wanted to tell him what to make for dinner. Maybe he’d just walk back to Zoe’s. </p><p>But if he wasn’t going to see her for awhile again, he needed her to sign his form, this might be his only chance. So he walks into the kitchen and finds her sitting at their table with tons of papers scattered around her. </p><p>“I heard the coolest thing on NPR today, scholarship essay contests! All you have to do is submit an essay. There’s hundreds of them, hundreds of topics. Have you heard of these?” Heidi asks him excitedly, beckoning for him to come closer, but he doesn’t move, stays frozen in place in the entry way fiddling with his backpack strap. All the joy and fluttery confusion from his encounter with Zoe was gone, replaced by cold hard anxiety. </p><p>“Um, maybe, I don’t know,” Evan mumbles in response and he’s positive Heidi didn’t hear him because she just keeps talking, telling him, “Well I spent my whole lunch looking them up, here come here and look at them. John F. Kennedy Memorial Scholarship, $5,000. The Henry David Thoreau Society, $3,000. All of them to the college of your choice and you just have to write an essay.” </p><p>Evan doesn’t want to press his luck by not coming to sit by her, knowing she’d be irritated if she had to ask him again, so he shuffles over to the table and sits down next to her, but doesn’t say or do anything, overwhelmed by his mom’s enthusiasm. </p><p>“This is so perfect you. You’ve always been such a good writer and we’re going to need all the help we can get to pay for your college,” Heidi tells him, pushing more of the print-outs towards him, not at all paying attention to the fact that Evan wasn’t at all enthused by her plan.</p><p>Why today of all days, when he’d decided to tell her that he didn’t want to go to college that he needed to drop a class was this happening? Now he was going to doubly disappoint her, because she’d clearly put in a lot effort into this, thinking it’d be this great thing for him. She was so excited, wanted this for him so badly. </p><p>But he couldn’t do it. </p><p>Evan takes a deep breath and reaches for his backpack, getting his drop form from it, keeping it hidden, but it doesn’t really matter because Heidi wasn’t even watching him, caught up in sorting all the prompts. He could do this. He promised Zoe. He promised Connor. He promised himself. </p><p>“Um, yeah, but actually Mom, I have something to tell you,” Evan says, clutching his drop form close to his chest, like it might shield him from her disappointment somehow. </p><p>“Oh I’m sure it can wait. We only have a little bit of time before I have to leave. Let’s look at them together, pick some out, brainstorm a little. How does that sound?” Heidi tells him and he doesn’t understand why she can’t just focus on him for like a second. He was saying that he needed to tell her something, something obviously important, and it was like she wasn’t hearing anything at all. </p><p>Maybe he could lie a little bit? It wouldn’t be the first time he’d done it and it definitely wasn’t the worst thing he’d lied about. Maybe just say he needed a signature and she’d assumed it was a permission slip or something. Not even look at it because she was too caught up in these contests. </p><p>“Yeah, but I need you to sign this first,” Evan says vaguely, sliding the paper onto the table, somewhat covering the top portion with Heidi’s printouts. Maybe he could get away with not telling her anything at all. He could keep this charade about college up, pretend to apply, pretend like he didn’t get in anywhere, go through all the motions but ultimately still end up on the path he wanted. He knew she’d be disappointed, but probably way less than if he said he didn’t want to go at all. </p><p>“What is this?” Heidi questions, finally focusing in on Evan, picking the form up from the table, and actually looking more closely at it. </p><p>“Just kind of like a permission slip,” Evan tells her quietly, hoping she’d believe him. That wasn’t <em>technically</em> a lie. It was a slip of paper stating that his parent was giving him permission to switch a class. </p><p>“You’re switching out of Spanish to take a free period?”  Heidi asks, and Evan knows she’s fully read everything. So maybe he’d couldn’t pretend his way out of switching classes, but maybe she wouldn’t connect it with college. Maybe he would tell her he needed more time for his other “college-prep” classes like chemistry. That wasn’t technically a lie either.</p><p>“Yeah, um I need the extra time for chemistry and for like English and um yeah,” Evan defends weakly, just really hoping his mom would go along with it. She barely ever paid any attention to anything he did (he practically lived at the Murphy’s and she thought he only went there after school to do homework and hang out). But now she was zeroing in on his school activities? </p><p>“What about the foreign language requirement? Don’t you need that to apply to schools? Your academic advisor said you needed four years to get into a good university, you’ve only done three,” Heidi states factually, like she’d memorized every admission requirement to schools in their state. </p><p>How was it possible that she couldn’t remember that they made dinner plans like three days ago, but she remembered something his academic advisor said one time over the phone three years ago? Why couldn’t this be like every other thing Evan did so she wouldn’t care about it? Why was his mom so obsessed with him going to college? </p><p>“Well, um I can’t be in Spanish. I’m going to fail the class. I’m already behind and lost. I just can’t do it,” Evan tells her, avoiding her question about college completely. Besides, if she already knew the answer, she didn’t need to ask him. She should be more concerned about him failing Spanish, because even if he wanted to go to college, he wouldn’t be able to if he failed a class.   </p><p>“Well maybe we could get you a tutor? What about that? Did you think about that Evan?” Heidi suggests, like it was a brilliant to solution to the problem, Evan meeting with someone new who would know how bad he was at Spanish and how much anxiety it brought him. No. He didn’t want a tutor. He didn’t want to stay in Spanish, and he wasn’t going to. </p><p>“No. No, Mom,” Evan says firmly albeit quietly, trying to assert himself as best as possible. He’d already made up his mind about all of it and by the looks of it he wasn’t going to get around having to tell her about college too.</p><p>“So you don’t want to try at all, is that what you’re telling me? That you don’t want to get into a good school Evan? This is important, it’s for your future,” Heidi says, clearly upset with him, as if Evan didn’t constantly think about his future and every whisper of doubt and anxiety and dread that came with it. </p><p>All Evan did was think about his future and how miserable it would be. It was the thing he’d been trying to escape from this summer, and ever since his accident happened, he’d been grateful it hadn’t worked, that he was given a second chance, but right now he was really wishing for a different outcome. </p><p>But then he remembers that Zoe and Connor were there that day and no matter how bad he felt he never wanted to think about how things could have been different. How they could have stumbled upon him not disorientated, but dead. The thought makes him want to throw up and maybe he should, it’d let him escape this conversation with his mom. But thinking about Zoe and Connor is helpful because it reminds him that Connor was having a conversation just like this one with his own mom, probably struggling just as much, and that Zoe was wishing them both well, waiting to swoop in for either one of them if they needed her. </p><p>He could do this. If not for himself, then for his friends. It was like his morning affirmation from today, <em>today’s going to be good because my friends are supporting me</em>. </p><p>“No, I don’t because I don’t want to go at all,” Evan says evenly, trying not to fidget or think anymore about anything other than the topic at hand. Zoe was right, it was his future, and he was going to choose for himself. His mom should be supportive of that. </p><p>“Evan what are you talking about? You’ve always wanted to go to college, that’s always been the plan,” Heidi asks, completely baffled even though it really couldn’t be that much of a surprise to her. Did she really truly think next September he was going to just go to college?</p><p>“No that’s always been your plan,” Evan says indignantly because he couldn’t remember a single time where she ever asked him what he wanted, it’d only been that she wanted him to and that was that. </p><p>“Is this because of Zoe? You think you should stay here another year because of her? I know she’s important to you, but you can’t give up something this big for a girl Evan, it’s too important,” Heidi says, daring to put her hand gently on Evan’s arm, like she’d finally figured out why he was “acting like this”. </p><p>But he shrugs her off because now he was just angry. Why was she convinced everything he did now was because of Zoe, that they were dating? He could make decisions on his own and that’s what he was doing. Zoe hadn’t asked him to stay in town for her, hadn’t asked him or made him do anything, she’d only supported him. Connor too. Even Alana had thought it was a good idea because <em>he</em> came up with it. Why was that so hard for his mom to understand? </p><p>“No it’s not because of Zoe, she has nothing to do with this and for the last time we’re not together Mom. You have never once asked me if I wanted to go, you just assumed I would because you wanted me to,” Evan yells, standing up out of his chair so he could pace. He had too much energy to be sitting down, and he knows he might snap at his mom again, which he doesn’t want to do but maybe that would finally make her see. </p><p>Heidi seemed shocked and Evan wasn’t sure if it was because he’d raised his voice at her, something he hadn’t done since he was a little kid and his anxiety was much more outward presenting than it was now, or because he was finally saying something for himself. </p><p>But she wasn’t saying anything in response, so Evan keeps going, this time bringing his voice back down to normal, telling her, “I do want to go to college Mom, I do. But I need to do it on my own terms. I don’t want to move away to a new place and live in a dorm with strangers. I don’t want to be one of hundreds in a class. I don’t want to not see the two friends I’ve managed to make. I don’t want to not see you, more than I already don’t. I can’t go through that. I’m telling you now that I wouldn’t be able to do it and no amount of you wishing I could is going to make that happen.” </p><p>Evan stops pacing, and tries to focus on his mom, but can’t bring himself to look her in the eye, to see what she really thought about what he was saying. But a small part of him was slightly proud of himself. He didn’t fumble over his words; he didn’t apologize for just having feelings. He said what he said and he meant it. </p><p>“I want to try community college or maybe try getting a different job or maybe both, which I’m not sure I could do either of those, but I want to try. I am trying Mom, but it’s my future and I don’t want that, please understand,” Evan pleads with her, after she still hadn’t said anything. </p><p>Had he really messed up? He knew he probably shouldn’t have yelled at her, but he couldn’t take it anymore. But why wasn’t she saying anything back to him? He thought he’d done something to be proud of, but maybe he’d been right in thinking about all the terrible things that would come from this. Starting with she definitely wasn’t signing his drop form. At the bare minimum he was going to be stuck in the hell that was Spanish class, probably wouldn’t graduate high school, let alone college. He should have just agreed to the tutor. He should have done something else. He didn’t know, because he felt like he was doing the right thing, but obviously not.  </p><p>“I’m sorry Evan, I guess I never really did consider what you wanted to do. I’ve always wanted to do the real college thing. Move away, reinvent myself, meet new people, have lifelong memories, talk to professors, declare a major, all of it. I never got the chance to do that and I never wanted you to miss out like I did,” Heidi says softly, getting up from her own chair to meet Evan where he’d ended up from pacing. She gently tilts his face up from looking at the ground, making him look at her. And Evan does it, looks her in the eye, and she did look sincere. </p><p>“But I don’t want those things Mom,” Evan tells her, his voice cracking and at this point, his emotions were swirling all over the place, and he doesn’t know what else to say or even how he was supposed to feel. And he doesn’t want to cry, but he thinks he just might. </p><p>“I never let myself believe that before. I, I just thought everyone wanted it, I wanted it for you. I guess this whole time it’s been more about me, so I’m sorry Evan,” Heidi says, pulling him into a gentle hug. </p><p>Evan lets his mom hug him and returns it too. He guesses she at least wasn’t mad at him. She was probably still sad about it, but there wasn’t a lot he could do about that.</p><p>“And I really do want to go, just not right away and no where far away. Maybe things will change by next year, but I just can’t right now. I need to have more control of the situation and you, uh, you can’t decide for me. Dr. Sherman said it would help with my anxiety, feeling like there are things that I can control better, and I think college is one of them,” Evan tells her, pulling away from her hug, deciding that Zoe had been right (again) that throwing in something his therapist said would probably cement the idea down. And at least he wasn’t lying, last time he saw her she did say that he needed to be more in control. </p><p>“Okay, if this is what you want,” Heidi says, going back to their table, grabbing the drop form, and signing it. She hands in back to Evan and he takes it gingerly, looking at the signature somewhat in disbelief that he’d gotten his mom to agree, that maybe she didn’t understand completely, but she was trying to. A wave of relief hits him and he feels like he’s going to cry again, coming down from such highs, but he takes a couple deep breaths instead and safely puts his form back into his backpack, ensuring he would have it tomorrow at school. </p><p>“Do we really only have a little bit of time before your class? I thought tonight we might have longer,” Evan says, choosing to not bring up the fact that they were supposed to fully have dinner tonight, he didn’t want to make his mom feel worse about everything. But the same part of him that had been just a little excited to see her a few days ago was still there, he still wanted to tell her about the good things too, not just that he was dropping a class and not going to college. There were other things that were really good. </p><p>“Afraid so honey, but let’s make it count, tell me about the rest of school. Everything else is going okay? How’s Connor? Zoe?” Heidi asks, encouraging Evan to sit beside her once again. She even starts collecting all the essay questions that had been strewn about, getting them out of the way now that she knew Evan wasn’t going to do them. </p><p>Evan’s sad that she couldn’t stay longer, but maybe it was a good thing. He could take the night to think about everything that had happened, enjoy the absence of the pressure from Spanish and college weighing him down. Think about how he might ask Zoe to the dance (not that he’d tell his mom that, not after he yelled at her that they weren’t together even though that was the truth). Talk to Connor about his night. Maybe it was for the best that his mom was going. </p><p>So Evan sits down again and tells him mom about the rest of his classes, spending most of it talking about how much he liked his nursery class and how they’d be starting a project soon to grow peppers from seeds, monitoring the growth and documenting the whole process. He tells her about Alana hanging out with them now and shows her some pictures he’d taken of Zoe performing last week at the game. Tells her that Connor was applying to art school this year. </p><p>He doesn’t get a lot in, but he’s happy with the little he does get. And he thinks he’s cheered up his mom just a little bit too, convincing her that he hadn’t really lost his mind, that his behavior tonight wasn’t “a phase”. He feels a lot better too, knowing that he’d really done what he’d set out to do and hadn’t even lied (even if he’d wanted to). It was a big improvement, and he was proud of himself. </p><p>And the first thing he does as soon as his mom leaves is call Zoe. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>Saturday comes quickly and Connor was grateful for the weekend. He’d been really stressed about telling his mom about art school, but he’d done it and while he could tell she wasn’t exactly thrilled, she didn’t disregard it completely and by the time he was done explaining everything (he’d even showed her his finished landscape, one he was considering using for his portfolio) she was a lot more supportive. And Evan had told him his talk went basically the same with his own mom. So he knew both of them were ready to just de-stress over the weekend and have fun. </p><p>They’d had a good time last night at the football game with Alana, similar to the week before, but it still felt kind of like school in a way, and he wanted to do something else, something like what him, Zoe, and Evan had done over the summer. </p><p>Zoe, being who she was, had found like a play-place one town over with things like mini-golf, laser tag, arcade games, a small bowling alley, basically a whole bunch of activities crammed into one place. And they even had a (probably terrible quality) dining place attached where they could eat after playing around for a bit. </p><p>And he was pretty excited for all of it, even though none of them had really played any of the games before, besides bowling. And because Alana was with them, they could actually split into teams, unlike when the three of them went to the boardwalk and most of the things to do were meant for two or four. And he had a feeling that Alana had a competitive streak to match his own. </p><p>He’d never really thought he’d enjoy something that felt so silly and tween-y but he does. Him and Alana end up partners for all the games after Zoe had claimed Evan, but he’s perfectly happy with that arrangement because him and Alana pretty much dominate. It’s all-in good fun though because winning or losing didn’t mean anything. And he knew Evan and Zoe were having fun even if they were losing. </p><p>But technically if Evan and Zoe combined their scores in mini-golf, they beat him and Alana, but that wasn’t really a team game, so he wasn’t going to count it. Him and Alana were the champions of the night and he couldn’t really pass up the opportunity to tease his little sister about it. </p><p>Eventually they get tired of playing games and head over to the dining hall portion of the building to eat dinner, washing their hands first at the bathrooms. Connor orders for him and Evan, getting them chicken strips and orders more for Zoe since she’d only ordered French fries (not surprising him in the slightest), claiming they were for the whole table, and he knew she’d realize after all they were all eating that she couldn’t just have French fries for dinner. And Alana orders mini corndogs which Connor finds absolutely hilarious and un-Alana like and finds he has to tease her about it too. </p><p>They find a table that’s tucked away from the loud groups of children and their tired looking parents and sit down in the way that had become their new normal, Connor and Alana on one side and Evan and Zoe on the other, while they’re waiting for their order to be called. </p><p>They’re mostly reliving some highlights of their games and laughing about all the ridiculousness of their whole night. When they do finally hear their number, Zoe gets up, saying, “We’ll go get it. Evan come help me please.” </p><p>Evan follows Zoe diligently, scurrying out of the booth, leaving Connor and Alana alone, which is probably why she says, “Thank you again for inviting me tonight, I’m having a lot of fun.” </p><p>“Of course ‘Lana, you’re our friend. Plus you’ll have to be my forever partner because I’m pretty sure Zoe will always choose Evan,” Connor laughs, hoping Alana knew he meant it when he said she was their friend. Connor liked having Alana around, she was funny and like really smart (not that Evan and Zoe weren’t, it was just different) and most importantly, she was nice to all of them. Sometimes maybe a little too blunt, but Connor was like that too, so it was nice to have someone else in the group like that. </p><p>“Yeah that’s probably true, but at least they’re really cute together,” Alana laughs and Connor’s a little confused by what she said. <em>They’re really cute together</em>. That made them sound like more than friends or something. And like objectively Connor knew what Alana said was true, like obviously some things looked cute, but that was just because Evan and Zoe had sweet personalities, everything they did was cute. </p><p>But Connor has to know what Alana meant by that, so he asks, “Wait, what Alana?” </p><p>“Evan and Zoe, they’re cute. They make a sweet couple,” Alana says, confirming what Connor had thought she said before. A <em>couple</em>? Why would she think that? </p><p>“Alana you think that they’re <em>together</em>?” Connor asks, his tone was clearly making her confused, because she was looking at him weird and just nods slowly. And before Alana can even say anything Connor quickly adds, “Because they’re not, not even close. Evan’s like our brother, he’s our best friend.” </p><p>“Oh, I guess I didn’t, um I just assumed they were. Sorry,” Alana says, looking away from Connor and back to Zoe and Evan in the distance, coming back with the trays of their food. They definitely weren’t laughing now. </p><p>“Well, they’re not,” Connor huffs, feeling really annoyed by the whole thing. He wasn’t annoyed by Alana necessarily, but really about the idea of Zoe and Evan dating. Where would Alana even get that idea? He knows she’s only hung out with them for like a week and maybe didn’t understand they way they all interacted. All three of them were just really close, like very close. </p><p>Connor’s quiet all through dinner and he’s positive that Alana was happy that Evan and Zoe were back now that he was feeling weird about everything and not talking. He just keeps thinking about how Alana could be so off. </p><p>And when they’re leaving, after Connor said he didn’t want to play more games and had sulkily said he was ready to go home, it finally hits him. Alana thought they were a couple because they acted like one. How had he not seen it before now? </p><p>
  <em>The way they always sat together, too close for it to actually be comfortable.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They held hands a lot, especially at school. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Zoe seemed to hug Evan a lot more than he did, and he thought he already did that kind of a lot. She always hugged him for a long time too, it was never a quick pat on the back. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Evan had given her jewelry for her birthday. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They were almost always blushing, giving each other compliments. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They texted off of the group chat to just each other, leaving him out. Probably talked about a lot of interesting things to, but he wouldn’t know because he wasn’t a part of it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then there was that time that he’d walked up to them and Evan had been holding her! He’d chalked it up to Zoe just being too excited (she’d almost jumped on him too) but now it seemed so different, so very not friend-like. </em>
</p><p>Connor was not okay with any of this and he legitimately can’t believe it took him this long to notice. But he was sure they weren’t actually dating; they would have told him if they were, but just to be sure, he’d ask Evan about it when they were alone. Because he needed to stop this before it became more obvious to more people before Zoe and Evan became <em>more</em>. </p><p>He didn’t want them to date because if they started dating, then their whole little group would change and they’d start leaving him out of things, things bigger than a text chain. And he couldn’t handle that.</p><p>They would go on dates and spend even more time together, completely leaving him behind, casting him aside like he didn’t matter at all. They’d probably find a way to be together during the times that Connor normally hung out with Evan alone, like when Zoe was at band or therapy and somehow, he just knew it’d be the same for the time that he spent with his sister alone. </p><p>They would be disgustingly, insufferably cute all the time, making him uncomfortable, emphasizing that he wasn’t with anybody, that he was the one who was tangential to <em>their</em> relationship. </p><p>And he didn’t want that, he didn’t want to feel left out again. For the first time in his life (well second if he included Zoe when they were little) he had best friends. He wasn’t about to let them go or let them turn him into a pity friend or an awkward third wheel on dates. He was not going to be alone again. He just wasn’t. </p><p>Evan was staying over tonight since he couldn’t Friday night (he’d said Heidi would be home Saturday morning, but Connor wasn’t sure that actually happened, which was a bummer for Evan), but it meant that there might be an opportunity to talk to him alone tonight because otherwise, they wouldn’t be alone until Monday after school and that was too long for Connor’s liking. He couldn’t wait, he made to make sure that Evan and Zoe weren’t anything besides friends. </p><p>And maybe Connor talking to Evan about it would make them tone down their very misleading actions. </p><p>They drop Alana off at her house and Connor decides to not be so broody and actually says goodbye and tells Alana again how much fun he had with her as his teammate and to let them know if she wanted to study tomorrow. Connor thinks it was the right thing to do because Alana looks immensely relieved, she’d probably thought Connor was mad at her even though he wasn’t. He wasn’t even mad, or not mad like he normally got, fiery anger that blinded him from anything else in the room. He didn’t know how he felt except that he didn’t like it. </p><p>Connor tries to shake off his weird feeling and be nice to Evan and Zoe who knew something was up. He had a plan. He would talk to Evan, Evan would tell him they weren’t anything, they’d back off on their touching, and everything would be fine. Their friendship would stay exactly the same. </p><p>When they get home, Evan follows Connor to his room and Zoe goes to hers to get ready for bed. Evan normally just dropped his bag in Connor’s room before taking it to the bathroom to change before all of them met back in the living room. Connor knows this is his only chance he’ll get for a while where Evan and Zoe weren’t glued to the hip, so he takes it and bluntly asks, “Evan do you like Zoe?”</p><p>Evan pauses and takes a step closer towards Connor and he looks really confused by the question and why Connor would be asking it, but he answers anyway, telling him, “Well yeah, of course I like Zoe. She’s one of my best friends.” </p><p>“No, but do you like her, like her? Because it would be weird if you did,” Connor presses, watching Evan start to fidget. He feels bad about making his friend nervous, but he had to. And watching Evan more closely Connor can’t figure out if he was nervous because Connor was being so direct or because he was trying to think up a believable lie. Connor hopes that Evan won’t lie to him. </p><p>“I don’t- why- I don’t under- she’s my friend. Where is this coming from, I don’t understand Connor,” Evan manages to say and Connor notices that Evan didn’t exactly answer his question directly, but Connor doesn’t think it’s because Evan’s trying to hide something, so he explains more, “I don’t know, you guys seemed like really close tonight and seemed pretty touchy, like a couple.” </p><p>Connor wasn’t going to say it was because Alana already thought they were together which made him rethink everything he’d ever seen them do, but Connor does have to admit that it was how touchy they were that made him think more into the situation as a whole. </p><p>“That’s um, that’s not, that’s just Zoe, you know that,” Evan says in defense, and Connor did know that. His sister did like to touch other people (in a non-creepy consensual way), but it was how Zoe felt close to people in her life and he can’t blame her for extending that towards Evan. </p><p>“Yeah, I guess so. I don’t know I just thought about it tonight and I know that if you guys ever…or anything it would be so weird, it will change our whole group and I don’t know, I don’t want us to change. I thought we’ve been really happy,” Connor admits to him, adding in his other fear, telling Evan, “We probably couldn’t all stay friends if it did happen, you know? Like it would change a lot.” </p><p>Evan wasn’t looking at him, but down at the ground and Connor does feel bad about making Evan question things, but if he didn’t like Zoe, then they didn’t have anything to worry about, right? And it wasn’t like Connor was trying to be manipulative, he had honestly been very happy the last two months, and he was positive it was the same for Zoe and Evan. Was it really that bad that he didn’t want that to change? </p><p>Evan still hasn’t said anything yet and Connor thinks about explaining more, telling him about how he really couldn’t see a way where he got treated equally if they had each other, how he just didn’t want to lose them, but he doesn’t get a chance to because Evan finally speaks up, still looking at the ground, and tells Connor, “Me and Zoe, we’re just friends Connor, you guys are my best friends. I thought that meant I could just be me. And I know sometimes Zoe holds my hand and what that probably looks like, but sometimes my hands shake when I get nervous and anxious and I don’t know, it helps. Zoe was just trying to help me, but I can tell her stop. I mean I should probably be able to deal with it on my own anyway.” </p><p>Well now Connor felt like actual shit. He didn’t mean to make Evan feel bad or self-conscious about a coping mechanism he had for his anxiety, especially one that didn’t hurt him or anyone else. He’d hit Evan where he knew he was sensitive, without meaning to, but that didn’t mean it was okay. </p><p>“No Evan, that’s, shit sorry, that’s not what I meant. I just wanted to make sure you guys weren’t like actually together, not that Zoe couldn’t be there for you or even me too if you’re okay with that when you feel anxious,” Connor says stepping in closer to Evan to put his hand on his shoulder gently. But Evan shrugs it off, taking a half step back. And this whole time he still hadn’t really looked at Connor at all. Connor wants him to, so that he could see he was being genuine, but he couldn’t force him. </p><p>“Okay,” Evan says quietly and they just stand there not really saying anything at all. Connor was having a really hard time figuring out what Evan was thinking or feeling, and he doesn’t really know how to ask him without seeming like more of an asshole, so he just stands there. </p><p>They could move on from this though, Connor wouldn’t bring it up again. He didn’t need to because he had has answer now. He’d been right and Alana had been wrong. And once Evan calmed down a little, everything would be exactly the way it was supposed to be. Nothing will have changed. </p><p>“Well, let’s get ready for whatever movie Zoe picked out, okay? She’s probably down there already, waiting for us,” Connor says stepping away from Evan and walking to his dresser to grab his sweats and tee shirt for pajamas. Maybe he needed to give Evan a little space. </p><p>“Yeah, okay,” Evan says a bit unemotionally, even though Connor knew he was upset. But he doesn’t want to push it, so he lets Evan leave to change and promises himself he’d make it up to Evan somehow. Because he really did feel bad, but selfishly, he felt the teeniest bit happy too. </p><p>Because there was no way Zoe and Evan would be dating now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*runs away and hides*  Do you hate it? It's okay if you do because it won't be like that forever, but for now everyone is having some big feelings. And I'd like to say, Connor isn't like maliciously trying to keep Evan and Zoe apart, his motivations are purely based on him thinking that Zoe and Evan would abandon him if they were together, which isn't particularly warranted, but he thinks it will happen. And Evan only lies by omission there at the end, too stressed to even confirm or deny anything, and right when he was starting to plan to ask Zoe to the dance... </p><p>I hope you liked it and are excited for next chapter!!!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. I Never Have The Courage Of My Convictions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan makes a serious decision and spends his new free period in the library. Zoe and Alana make a plan for the fall formal.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!!!! Remember how last week I was worried y'all would be mad...well this chapter isn't any better *hides dramatically* but we're once again reinforcing that some characters are seeing things very differently than others and that's not great. And if Evan's section feels very back and forth and all over the place, it's because he's stressed about what just happened with Connor and he has no idea what to do. And then we have some (I think it is at least) very cute bonding between Zoe and Alana at the end. And Jared's back and he's learning to be nicer! Yay!</p><p>Thank you so much to everyone who is reading this story and enjoying it so much! I absolutely love hearing what you think, through comments, kudos, subscriptions, or just reading along every week! I love writing these characters and it makes me so happy that you guys are loving them too! Truly, truly so thankful! So I hope you enjoy this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan can’t really believe what just happened. He felt totally caught off guard and unsure what to do next. Was this why Connor had been so grumpy after dinner? He thought him and Zoe were having like a secret affair? It had to have been or else Connor wouldn’t have cornered him immediately after, as soon as they were alone. </p><p>He can’t really focus on why or how or anything really, it’s like his whole conversation with Connor wasn’t processing in his head. So he tries to do the only thing he can manage which was change his clothes and walk downstairs. </p><p>Normally he would sit right next to Zoe on the couch, they’d share a blanket and she’d probably end up falling asleep on him, but he has enough survival instincts to know that would be a very bad thing to happen tonight. And it makes him feel terrible, walking past her and choosing to sit on the ground far away from her. But it was far away from Connor too at least. He figured he should distance himself from them equally for now. </p><p>And he doesn’t say much the whole night even when Connor and Zoe directly ask him questions about the movie, trying to engage with him. Evan knows that Zoe knows something was up, but he doesn’t think there’s anything he could do about it. He absolutely doesn’t want to hurt Zoe by suddenly changing all his “normal” behaviors because she might think it had something to do with her, something she did to make him change. But she hadn’t done anything. </p><p>Zoe had been the best thing to have ever happened to him and he’d been so excited about sharing so much with her, having her be an even bigger part of his life. But he wasn’t sure that was possible now. </p><p>And he wanted to like go sit next to her to let her know that she wasn’t responsible for how he was feeling right now, but he can’t even do that. He was scared that Connor was watching his every move, waiting to catch him in his lie, to prove that he really did like Zoe and made everything else up. </p><p>Which he hadn’t, well not really. He more like lied by omission because he never technically told Connor the truth about if he liked Zoe or not, even though he was pretty positive that he was in love with her. Like 99.99% positive. </p><p>But what was he supposed to say after Connor told him they couldn’t be friends if him and Zoe were ever anything more than friends? He couldn’t very well say that he’d had a crush on Zoe since his sophomore year of high school. He’d been trapped so he’d panicked and went with the most basic and correct answer: their little hand holding had started because Zoe grabbed his hand when he was anxious. It’d definitely grown past that, because they held hands all the time, especially when they were alone together, but it’s not like he could have told Connor that. He couldn’t and probably wouldn’t be able to ever talk to Connor about it. </p><p>He’d said everything would change, that it’d be weird, but Evan had never thought that, and he usually thought of the worst possible outcomes at all times. But whenever he thought about getting together with Zoe, the only thing he thought would change would be them getting to be a little more “physical” and not in like weird way. He just wanted to hold her hand more, hug her more, kiss her (if she was okay with it), things like that, just kind of whenever they wanted to. That was it. </p><p>Evan had never considered all of them as a group of friends changing. He kind of thought they might be at the “best friends forever” stage of their friendship, that nothing could separate them. He knew it was a cliché thing to say, and probably extremely naïve, but he thought it. He thought the three of them were that close. </p><p>He probably thought wrong though. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d over-romanticized and attached himself to a relationship too soon. He’d done that to Jared as kids (well their moms had a big part in that too) but look how that turned out. And he didn’t want that to happen with Zoe and Connor. </p><p>Maybe he needed to give both of them some space, take a little break to really think things through and decide what he wanted. Maybe he should just go home tomorrow and skip staying at their house to study, with Alana (most likely) joining them in the afternoon. He’d been looking forward to it because they almost always goofed around more than studied and it was fun. </p><p>But maybe spending Sunday and Monday morning away from Zoe and Connor would be a good thing. Give him a long enough time to sort through his erratic thoughts and figure out what was real and what wasn’t. They already knew they wouldn’t see him Monday morning because he was finally getting his cast off, so his mom was taking him to the doctor’s before work and he’d probably get back to school between second and third period.</p><p>On Monday’s Zoe usually picked him up but she knew about his appointment already and was so excited for him, that she didn’t mind giving up their alone time. Evan thinks he was probably going to have to give up a lot of their alone time soon, and that makes him really sad. </p><p>But after band on Monday, they were all supposed to go do something to celebrate Evan getting his cast off, but Evan’s not even sure they should be doing that too. And maybe he shouldn’t even go home with Connor like he normally did either. </p><p>Evan was just so confused. He didn’t know what was “right” or “wrong” to do now. His choices regarding Zoe would change his relationship with Connor and anything he decided about what Connor said would change his relationship with Zoe. How was he supposed to be around Connor now too? Or Zoe? How was he supposed to do anything? </p><p>Eventually Connor and Zoe fall asleep around him, so he turns off the TV, the brightness and background music was too much for him right now and he just sits exactly where he had been for the last two hours. </p><p>He can’t sleep and he thinks his mind has never ever been going this fast. His thoughts were whirling around inside his head like a hurricane and he knew they’d never settle enough for him to sleep. So he just sits, his blanket wrapped around him like a cocoon, over his ears and the top of his head, blocking out any stimulus that might happen in the middle of the night. </p><p>He was rocking just a bit, a way to get his anxious energy out and he must have accidently woken up Zoe, who had moved closer to him of her own accord slowly over the course of the movie and had fallen asleep on the ground beside him, because she was starting to stir. </p><p>Evan doesn’t do anything and after a moment or two, he thinks she’s maybe fallen back asleep, but she hasn’t, because she sits up and looks at him, sleepily saying, “Evan?” </p><p>But the way she says it, her voice still full of sleep, it comes out more like “Eban” and even with his inner turmoil battling it out making him feel terrible, he still thinks it’s really cute. </p><p>“You okay?” Zoe says softly when he doesn’t answer to his name, but was very clearly awake, he was looking right at her.</p><p>He doesn’t know what to say, because even though he was apparently able to lie to Connor, he can’t bring himself to tell her a real lie, like he was fine, so instead he just tells her woefully, “I don’t know.” </p><p>Zoe being her wonderful self that Evan had grown accustomed to, takes his answer as his final one, and doesn’t press him any further, asking him to elaborate or talk about it in any way. She just understands that that was all Evan could give her at the moment. </p><p>Zoe just moves closer to him and wraps her arms around him fully and gently pulls him until he was laying down with her, his head tucked against her chest and starts moving her hand up and down his arm softly, whispering, “Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.” </p><p>Evan just nods against her and he knows he shouldn’t be doing this, letting her comfort him like this, because he was sure that it wouldn’t be okay. It wouldn’t be okay if Connor woke up and saw them. It wouldn’t be okay if he pulled away while Zoe was still awake. It wouldn’t be okay no matter what he chose to do. </p><p>So he chooses to be selfish, the same way he always did, and he stays. </p><p>He can tell Zoe’s falling asleep again when her hand stills, even though her hold on him doesn’t loosen and he can’t bring himself to care. Being with her like this was making everything worse, but he can’t do it, can’t leave her embrace. </p><p>Listening to the calm evenness of her breathing and the steady rhythm of her heartbeat is soothing to him, even the gentle weight of her arm across him was helping to keep him more grounded than he’d been in the few hours before. It doesn’t help him sleep, but it gives him something to focus on instead of his effervescent dread. The pain of being this close to her was worth it to him, to get him through this night, to get him to the point of where he could actually figure something out. It was selfish but he couldn’t help that right now.  </p><p>It’s not until the sun starts to come up, casting the Murphy’s living room in a golden-y glow that Evan manages to close his eyes and fall asleep, Zoe having only just recently rolled away from him. And he doesn’t know how long he sleeps for, but probably not very, because when he wakes up, the lighting in the room looks almost the same and he can hear Zoe and Connor talking in hushed voices, unaware that he’d woken up again.  </p><p>He doesn’t move though, just listens to them, knowing that chances were, they wouldn’t care that he was technically eavesdropping. </p><p>“I don’t think Evan’s feeling the greatest, he wasn’t sleeping,” Zoe says, and Evan feels even worse that she was worried about him. He didn’t want to drag her down with him. </p><p>“Are you sure? He seemed okay yesterday,” Connor says, and Evan can’t tell exactly because he wasn’t looking at Connor, but he thinks he’s trying to hide their talk from Zoe, like he didn’t want to believe that it had an impact on Evan. </p><p>“Um, no he didn’t. He wasn’t okay as soon as we started watching the movie and I’m pretty sure he had a panic attack last night,” Zoe says as if it was the most obvious thing. Maybe it was to her, maybe she was completely aware of all of Evan’s emotions. Maybe it was because she cared so much.  </p><p>“Oh,” is all he hears Connor say, and he sounds really guilty, like he never meant to make Evan feel so terrible last night. And that’s actually pretty nice for Evan to hear. He knows Connor hadn’t intentionally tried to hurt him last night. He doesn’t think Connor would ever intentionally try to hurt him. Evan had kind of just been caught in Connor’s quest to keep everything the same last night and Connor hadn’t really thought about any consequences. </p><p>But Evan very much notices that Connor wasn’t asking Zoe what he’d asked <em>him</em> last night, which makes him think they weren’t going to talk about it again. Connor wasn’t talking about it. Zoe didn’t know about it. He wasn’t going to be the one who changed that by talking to either of them about it. </p><p>And maybe Connor had been right, maybe everything should stay exactly the same. They were pretty happy. But the thought of staying the same doesn’t make his heart pitter-patter with excitement and love the way it did when he thought about being closer to Zoe. </p><p>And he didn’t really think he was the only one who wanted that, who wanted more from their relationship. He was getting so close to feeling sure about Zoe liking him back. So close. But he couldn’t trust any of that now. </p><p>And if it had been anything else, he would have immediately gone to Zoe. But he couldn’t tell her now because then she might get mad at him or at Connor, which <em>would</em> change things and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to ruin their friendship. </p><p>Why was everything just so complicated now? One conversation with Connor and now everything was just a complete mess. </p><p>Maybe it didn’t have to be? Maybe there was a way Evan could get what he wanted and Connor too? Maybe he just slowed everything down with Zoe, go little by little and show Connor that nothing would be different, that nothing needed to change? </p><p>But he just really didn’t know, and he needed time to think about it more. And he couldn’t let Zoe or Connor know anything was wrong, about this exact problem, because he didn’t want to hurt either of them. So he would give himself today to figure out everything and then by Monday, everything would be back to normal again. Totally normal. </p><p>Plus, he really did feel awful and now that his panic had calmed a little, he really just wanted to sleep. In his own bed. With his favorite pillow. </p><p>“Hey Evan, are you up?” he hears Zoe gently call to him, coming to kneel beside him and Evan turns towards her, sitting up. He sees Connor standing off to the side a little, still looking a little guilty, and Evan had almost forgotten they’d been talking about him earlier and he didn’t know where the rest of their conversation went. </p><p>“Yeah, I just woke up,” Evan tells her, not particularly wanting to share that he had been up and listening to them and then had gotten lost in his own thought spiral. What they said hadn’t been bad, but he didn’t want them thinking he was creepily listening in on them. </p><p>“Did you get any sleep last night?” Zoe asks, being so sweet and gentle with him, but not patronizing. He never felt like she was baby-ing him or anything, she just cared. </p><p>“Um, no not really. Actually, I still don’t really feel all that great. I think maybe I should go home, is that okay?” Evan asks, knowing that it would probably be good for him to go home, it was what he wanted, but he also didn’t want to disappoint his friends. </p><p>“Yeah, of course Ev,” Zoe says kindly, brushing his bangs out of his face, leaving her hand just a moment too long on his cheek, and Evan can’t bring himself to look to Connor to see if he saw, he just knew he did.  </p><p>And it makes him feel even worse, the fact that he wanted Zoe to stay closer to him, to comfort him, but if she did, then he’d have to figure out a way to explain it to Connor without it sounding romantic or like he was completely defenseless. </p><p>He was too tired, physically and emotionally, to deal with any of this. He really did just need a day to be alone, just be by himself. </p><p>“We can take you home if you want Evan,” Connor asks, and it comes across like both an apology for last night and a peace offering. But Evan can tell Connor isn’t sure of himself because he was shifting his weight back and forth, fidgeting the same way Evan did.  </p><p>And Evan’s torn, he doesn’t want to hurt Connor and he doesn’t want Connor to think something was wrong, which might lead him to believe that Evan had been lying last night, which he only kind of was. But both things would probably break Connor’s trust in Evan, and he doesn’t want that. They’d worked too hard for that.  </p><p>Based on the way he’d been talking to Zoe, Evan figured that Connor thought that Evan freaked out because Connor had cornered him last night about Zoe, not because he thought Evan was lying. And Evan was partly upset from that, so he once again wasn’t really lying, he just wasn’t telling the whole truth. </p><p>“Yeah, um, thank you. Sorry about leaving early. And um, if I end up doing homework Con, I’ll compare with you later, um, if you want to,” Evan tells him, thinking it was a good way to accept his pseudo-apology and extend something in return. It wasn’t like he was mad at Connor, he was just confused about everything. </p><p>Connor immediately looks relieved and Evan’s glad, because he really did just want to keep it normal. He wanted his friends to just be <em>his friends</em> for today at least and understand him. </p><p>“Yeah, okay. I’m going to try that problem set, but I know I’ll totally need you to check it,” Connor tells him, smiling at him, even if it was still a little strained, and then he adds, “I can grab your stuff from upstairs if you want?” </p><p>“Um, yeah my bag’s in your room,” Evan tells him, not shocked by Connor’s offer, but shocked that Connor was leaving him and Zoe alone, if even for a moment. Maybe it was Connor’s way of showing him that things were fine, that he believed Evan last night. Since him and Zoe were left alone together before, they could be left alone together now. </p><p>Connor leaves and heads upstairs, and Evan and Zoe stand up from the floor and Zoe immediately takes his hand, intertwining their fingers softly. And Evan can’t help but tense up just a little bit, before relaxing, they were alone, he didn’t have to explain his actions to anyone. Except himself. </p><p>Zoe starts rubbing her thumb across the top of his hand and like last night, he knows he shouldn’t be letting this happen, but he’s too terrible to stop it. </p><p>“Is everything really okay Ev? Is there anything I can do to make you feel even a little better?” Zoe asks, and she’s so genuine, it almost physically hurts his heart. He wants to tell her so badly, to ask her to just talk to Connor, their best friend, her brother, to tell him that them being together wouldn’t be weird, wouldn’t change anything, that it’d all be okay. But he doesn’t. </p><p>“Yeah, I know I’ll be okay tomorrow. And um, knowing that you care enough to do something, that’s enough in itself. And you helped a lot last night, even if you don’t think you did. So thank you,” Evan tells her returning the gentle movements she was making on his hand. Since they were talking about his anxiety, he figured maybe handholding was okay. It was purely anxiety related and Connor couldn’t deny him that. </p><p>Zoe just blushes a little and squeezes his hand in response, and Evan swears he’d never get tired of seeing Zoe blush, loving the way it highlighted her freckles. But no, he needed to stop thinking things like that. Thinking things like that was just going to make everything harder on him. </p><p>“Well, the offer still stands if you think of something or need something later today, you know,” Zoe says, looking up at him, her green eyes so earnest, and he knows he should look away from her, but he can’t, he was already too lost. </p><p>“I know Zoe,” Evan says softly. And he really did. Even if things were kind of tense with him and Connor and he didn’t really know where things could go with him and Zoe, he knew without a doubt that she’d do anything for him. It was one of the reasons he loved her so much. </p><p>And maybe he could settle for the deep love of her friendship, maybe that could be enough, maybe they didn’t need to add romantic love on top of that. Maybe. </p><p>Evan lets go of her hand and focuses on trying to clean up where he’d been, fold his blanket, pick up pillows, things like that. Connor and Zoe always told him he didn’t have to clean up, that he was a guest, but he never listened. And he’s glad he dropped her hand when he did because seconds later Connor comes back with his bag. </p><p>That was everything he needed, and Evan was satisfied with cleaning up around the living room, so they all wordlessly go to Connor’s car. They were all still in their pajamas because it was still pretty early in the morning, when Evan had checked his phone, it wasn’t even eight yet. </p><p>And it’s eerily quiet, the whole drive to Evan’s house, the only sound being the gently hum of the music Zoe had chosen playing in the background. And Evan feels like it’s his fault that things were awkward, that he was the one who asked to go home, that he was the one who was changing things. </p><p>Evan really hopes that they think it’s just because this is the first time they’ve had to deal with anything close to a panic attack of his since that day in the forest. That they’re not exactly sure how to interact with him. And maybe that would work in his favor. Maybe he could pass off everything that was happening as a random attack (which he did get, not often, but it happened), even though his sleepless anxiety filled night was not from anything random. </p><p>“Thank you for taking me home, I’m sorry, I’m um, I’m just really sorry,” Evan says turning in slightly in his seat so he could see Zoe and Connor more evenly. He felt bad that he was being weird and that he couldn’t get his emotions under control to spend with the day with them. </p><p>“Evan it’s okay, really. We hope you’re feeling better and get to sleep a little. Sleepless nights are not great,” Connor tells him, and Evan knows he means it. Connor didn’t want him to feel bad or anxious, and Evan hates that he was doing this to his friends. </p><p>Because besides Spanish, he’d been feeling so normal lately, and this was just a stark reminder that he wasn’t. He didn’t have a good hold over his anxiety. He didn’t ever know what the right thing to do was. He was still a mess, even if he’d been less of a mess for the last two months.</p><p>“Yeah, and I’ll call to check in later. Is that okay with you?” Zoe asks, clearly caring about his answer to that, not wanting to overstep anything he’d set down as okay or not. </p><p>Evan nods, telling both of them, “Yeah, uh, that would be okay. Thank you, both of you, for understanding.” </p><p>“Of course we understand, you’re our best friend Evan,” Zoe says, leaning in even closer from her spot between the two front seats. And she looks like she was going to ruffle his hair, or touch his cheek, or do something just as cute, but Connor interrupts her smiling at both of them, saying, “Yeah, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.” </p><p>And Evan knows immediately that Connor did not realize what he just said, that with everything he’d told him last night, that it was absolutely the wrong thing to say. And suddenly, it was like Evan was filled once more with panic, with the fear of changing things for the worse, with losing his friends by making a wrong decision and he just can’t. He needed to not be in the car anymore. </p><p>“Okay, um, see you guys tomorrow, but um talk to you later today because we just talked about that obviously. And that was dumb to say, but anyway, okay, bye. Thank you,” Evan says without pausing, scrambling for his bag before fumbling his way out of Connor’s car, running up to his door without even waiting for Zoe to switch to the front seat. He doesn’t even stick around to wave to him like he normally did, which probably freaks them out, but he just needed to be alone, at least for a little bit. </p><p>Evan races through his house, straight to his room, not even bothering to check to see if his mom was home, and thoroughly welcomes the comfort of his own bed. </p><p>Once he’s curled up in his comforter and snuggled in, Evan really thinks about what could happen if he chose to pursue a romantic relationship with Zoe. </p><p>On one hand, Connor made a pretty strong point, and he was right, if this morning was any indication of how weird their dynamic could get. And him and Zoe hadn’t even done anything yet. Zoe had been trying to make things not weird and she’d probably try to do the same if they were together, but Evan doesn’t think it’d be enough. It’d be weird between him and Connor. It’d be weird between her and Connor. And eventually Zoe would get sick of it and it’d be weird between them too. Then they would break up. And everything would be for nothing. </p><p>He’d have nothing. Not a girlfriend. Not either of his friends. Even Alana would leave him if it came to picking sides. She’d totally pick Connor and Zoe over him, which he thought was understandable. And if it really, really came down to choosing, obviously Zoe and Connor would choose each other over him. </p><p>He wasn’t anything compared to a sibling. And he really didn’t want to be responsible for coming between them. Zoe and Connor had just reunited and were happy with their relationship for the first time in <em>years</em>. Who was he to wreck all that?  </p><p>And after all that went down, he’d be left all alone, like he’d been this summer, like he’d been his whole life. And that’s the one thing he didn’t want ever again. No matter what it cost him. He couldn’t do it again. </p><p>Him and Zoe would only ever be friends. He’d wean himself off of their little touches and things that were less than friendly, leaving only real cases of anxiety for comfort. Or if they were celebrating something, he could hug her. Anything Connor did normally, he could do too. That would be the new normal. </p><p>He’d just have to live with it and maybe eventually it would hurt less. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>Evan’s not thrilled with the decision he’s made regarding everything with Zoe and Connor, but he thinks it’s probably for the best. It was the only way to ensure that he’d never end up alone again. And even though he hates it, coming to a decision gives him at least calms him down enough to sleep some. </p><p>Well sleep a lot. He sleeps most of Sunday, waking up only to do a little bit of his homework and then to talk to Zoe and Connor on the phone for a little bit. And they sounded relieved that he was feeling better, especially since he’d just ran away from them this morning with no explanation. </p><p>Overall he just feels kind of sad, no longer confused, but just down, and he’s hoping it’ll pass once they got back into their normal routine again. And maybe it never would, maybe he’d carry this sadness around forever, but it wasn’t worse than any of the other despair he carried around with him. But for now the only thing he really could do was go along with his life as normal. </p><p>He’d eat lunch with his friends. He’d go home after school with Connor. He’d let everyone celebrate his cast coming off like they’d planned. He’d wake up the next day and do it all again. All he had to do was be normal. Be same Evan he was before last night. And he thinks he could do that. It’d be hard but he could do it. </p><p>Evan wakes up Monday still feeling anxious, but he thinks that it has more to do with his doctor’s appointment rather than anything else. But even though his stomach was in knots and he was feeling awful, he gets up out of bed, gets ready for school, and tries his best to force his mind into being excited about today instead of nervous. </p><p>He was finally getting rid of the only reminder (besides his ever-intrusive thoughts) of what he tried to do this summer. His cast was the only evidence of his fall, and without it, it was like nothing had happened. </p><p>He’d wanted it gone for so long but now that he could take it off, it was like his cast had become a part of him, part of the reason he had friends now, and he didn’t want to let go of it. </p><p>Because what if once he didn’t have his cast, he lost his connection to Zoe and Connor? They wouldn’t have to reminder of the role they played that day either. And what now that he was healed, they no longer felt obligated to be nice to him? What if they only wanted him when he seemed defenseless and unable? What if they saw the true him once he couldn’t hide behind the cast anymore? And what if they hated who they saw? </p><p>No. No. No. He couldn’t let himself think things like that. They weren’t true. It was just his anxiety trying to ruin his life like always. Zoe and Connor liked him, with or without a broken arm. He was their best friend. And he had to trust that. </p><p>He needed to tell himself that today would be a good day because today he was getting his cast off. That was a <em>good</em> thing. His fractured bone was healed, and he was trying to heal too, from a much bigger break. And if his arm could, then he probably could, right? </p><p>He doesn’t really think about it too much longer because Heidi all but rushes him out of the house, worried about being late to his appointment and then being seen late, and then getting to work late if she had to take him to school. And he doesn’t really mind being rushed because he did want his mom to drop him off at school, he didn’t really want to take the bus because the closest city bus stop was still like two miles from the school. He’d probably miss all of third period if he had to do that. </p><p>His doctor is surprisingly on time and is able to see him as soon as him and Heidi check in. Evan has them cut his cast through the small section where Connor hadn’t drawn, wanting to preserve the drawing of the three of them at the apple orchard. Connor drawing that was one of his most cherished memories and he wanted to keep it, even if it was on his gross old cast. </p><p>Without the cast, Evan’s arm looks small and weak and was scratched in places (from where he’d anxiously picked away all the cotton that was supposed to protect his skin weeks ago), but his doctor claims everything is healthy and fine, that in a week or two it’d start to look normal again, same as his other arm. </p><p>They leave the doctor’s office with enough time for Heidi to take him to school and the whole way Evan cradles his cast in his lap, only somewhat paying attention to his mom’s mindless chatter. When Heidi drops him off, Evan tucks the cast safely into his backpack and heads to the attendance office since third period had already started. </p><p>He needed a note for his teacher, which he had to get by giving his doctor’s note to the attendance clerk, so he takes a deep breath, tells himself he could do this and walks inside. It actually goes well, and Evan doesn’t even stutter once, even though he spoke oddly slow and did mumble a bit, but it was still good. He was still proud of himself and he thinks Zoe would be too. </p><p>But he really had to stop thinking about what Zoe would think. He’d slowly drive himself mad if he kept that up. </p><p>And he manages to not make a scene when he gets to class, handing his civics teacher his note without turning completely red or tripping over anything or panicking in front of the class. He just gets to his seat quickly and minds his own business for the rest of class. An actual accomplishment in his mind. </p><p>Today’s his first day of having a free period instead of Spanish, so when the bell rings, Evan heads to the library to work on the last little bit of homework he hadn’t gotten to last night. The library is a bit busier than Evan would have liked, probably because it was also first lunch, but Evan finds an empty table and tried to focus his energy on chemistry. </p><p>Not his cast-less arm. Not Connor. Not Zoe. Not his heartbreak. Only the Ideal Gas Law. </p><p>And he’s actually doing okay, getting through problems, looking stuff up, really in a good flow when someone sits down right across from him breaking his concentration and forcing him to look up. </p><p>“Did you switch into first lunch or something?” Jared asks, getting out his own lunch and books, like he was planning on staying awhile next to Evan. </p><p>Jared doesn’t even say hi to him or anything like that, but he also doesn’t start with mocking Evan or teasing him. This was very un-Jared like and very weird. But Evan doesn’t really feel like Jared was setting him up for something tricky though, he doesn’t know why, but he just doesn’t get that feeling so he chooses to answer, “No, this is my free period now.” </p><p>“Oh that’s cool, you have like a really long lunch,” Jared says like he actually thinks it’s cool. What was going on? </p><p>Evan doesn’t really know what else to say, so he just gives a noncommittal “Yeah” and tries to return to his homework. But it doesn’t work, he had too many questions about Jared.<br/>
Why was he in the library to being with? Why was he sitting with Evan? Where were his other friends? Jared had always told Evan that only losers hung out in the library at lunch, so what was he doing here? </p><p>“I um, your cast is gone,” Jared points out, even though it sounded like he was going to say something before that instead, and Evan really doesn’t know what to make of what was happening. </p><p>“Yeah, I got it off this morning,” Evan tells him, answering only because he didn’t want to be rude. But he didn’t know why he was even trying because what was Jared’s endgame here? What was he up to? Was he just going to be rude to Evan anyway?</p><p>Jared hadn’t spoken to Evan since the first day of school debacle, and that had been fine by Evan. He didn’t want to have to deal with the jokes, the constant put-downs, everything that came with hanging around Jared. He enjoyed his real friends, and he wasn’t desperate anymore. He wasn’t just going to sit back and be an easy target. </p><p>But then he remembers what Dr. Sherman had said about growing up. Could this really be Jared’s attempt to grow up a little and reach out to him? Was that even possible? Would Evan be the person he came to for that? </p><p>Evan not one hundred percent convinced of Jared’s sincerity or reason for sitting by him, he still thought he probably had something up his sleeve, but if he just wanted simple chatter and he didn’t say anything mean, he would talk to him. </p><p>“Zoe must like that it’s off now,” Jared says, laughing a little and Evan doesn’t know why he’d be laughing or bring up Zoe at all, knowing that it’d make Evan mad.</p><p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Evan snaps back, already preparing to get up. If Jared was about to say something gross or weird about Zoe, he was leaving. He knew there wasn’t a way that Jared was trying to reach out to him. </p><p>“Wow, defensive much? It didn’t mean anything. You guys just like seem close, a cast probably got in the way of you guys canoodling,” Jared says like it was the most obvious thing in the world. </p><p>“We don’t do that,” Evan huffs, starting to shove his homework back into his bag. He didn’t need this right now. And he especially didn’t need reminders that him and Zoe wouldn’t be <em>canoodling</em> anytime soon. </p><p>“Sure you don’t. But um, hey, don’t go. Don’t worry I won’t say anything else about it. Um, what class were you working on?” Jared asks, like he was desperate for Evan to stay, to continue talking to him. </p><p>That was weird. And Evan thinks it’s probably against his better judgment, but he stops putting his stuff away and slowly brings it back out. If Jared really wasn’t going to say anything about Zoe, maybe he should stay. Maybe he could figure out what Jared was up to. So Evan dramatically flips his notebook back open and simply says, “Chemistry.” </p><p>“Oh, the packet problems or the lab write up?” Jared asks, rifling through his own backpack and pulling out a three-ring binder full of notes and extra materials. </p><p>“Packet problems. You’re in chem Jared?” Evan asks, because he knew Jared wasn’t in his class. Him and Connor would have known right away if he was in their class and Evan didn’t know there was another section of it. </p><p>“Yeah I have it sixth period though. Mind if I join in? I’m almost done, but it’d be nice to check them over, you know?” Jared asks him, looking at him hopefully and Evan thinks also very genuinely. Evan doesn’t think he’s ever seen those two emotions on Jared before and it convinces him to agree to Jared’s ask. </p><p>“Um, okay. I’m working on problem eleven,” Evan tells him, setting his stuff up the way it had been before he’d hastily shoved it into his bag when he’d thought about leaving. </p><p>Jared keeps the whole rest of their conversation about chemistry and Evan finds that it’s not completely terrible, probably his best interaction with Jared since they’d been little. But the only thing Evan still thought was pretty weird was why Jared was in the library at all. Like Evan knew he did pretty well in school, he was smart and all, but he didn’t think he cared enough about school to be doing homework during lunch instead of hanging out with his friends. Maybe today was just a one-time thing? Probably, so Evan wouldn’t have to worry about it happening again.</p><p>When the bell rings, Evan finds that the period went by pretty quickly and productively and he hadn’t really thought about all his turmoil in the last fifty minutes. It was nice.<br/>
Jared starts packing up his bag along with Evan and pauses, hesitantly offering to Evan, “If you’re going to be in here for first lunch and want to keep doing homework for chem or for trig or something, that’d be cool.” </p><p>Evan’s shocked at Jared’s suggestion, never thinking anything like that would ever come from Jared. And he’s more than a little confused because again, what about Jared’s “real” friends? Would they be joining them too? Evan wasn’t sure, but he thinks he’d be okay doing homework with Jared. </p><p>“Yeah, um, okay. We could do that,” Evan tells him, even with his shadow of doubt about Jared's intentions. But he thinks he could do it, as long as Jared wasn’t mean and didn’t say anything bad about Alana, Connor, or Zoe, or him too, Evan would let him slowly come back into his life. </p><p>Jared came close to being mean when he was talking about Zoe, but he’d recovered before Evan got too mad, and Evan thinks he could be the bigger person, the one Dr. Sherman would be proud of for growing up. Evan would give Jared one more chance, and the moment that was broken, he’d be done with Jared, for good. </p><p>They both head out of the library and Evan heads to the courtyard when Jared heads to his next class and even waves a little bit back to him when Jared waves to him. It’d been a weird couple of days and Evan just wanted things to feel <em>normal</em>. </p><p>And finding Connor and Zoe waiting for him by the tree is refreshingly normal to him. And seeing Alana in the distance joining them makes him feel better too. This was what he was looking forward to, this is what he wanted. </p><p>Evan smiles at them all, letting them take a moment to jump and fawn over his cast-less scrawny arm, which makes Evan laugh, his fears from this morning completely gone. And he can tell that Zoe was happier seeing him laugh, that she had probably been really worried about him yesterday. And he doesn’t want to do that to her.</p><p>All four of them find a table and just start chatting good naturedly about classes and other stuff Evan had missed from yesterday. And eventually they get to today and Evan knows he has to tell them about what just happened with Jared. </p><p>“Guys, so the weirdest thing happened during my free period, Jared came and sat with me and did homework in the library. And it was so weird, but like he was mostly nice, which was so confusing, you know? And I couldn’t figure out why he was there, where were his other friends?” Evan asks the group, knowing that they knew all about his and Jared’s past, and had even dealt with Jared on their own throughout school. </p><p>Connor looks kind of shifty, like he knew something but wasn’t sure if he should say it or not and Evan shoot him a look of confusion and finally Connor says softly, “Evan, I don’t think his other friends exist. I think there’s a strong possibility that you’re the only one he talks to, at school at least.” </p><p>“Really?” Evan asks, looking around to Zoe and Alana to see what they thought about Connor’s insight. Zoe was nodding her head a little bit and Alana looked kind of like she didn’t want to comment, didn’t want to make a statement one way or the other. </p><p>“I mean, you do know him better, but I’ve only ever seen him talking to you. But sometimes he does talk to me in civics, but I think that’s because he obviously knows we’re friends and like it’s his way of trying to not be a dick,” Connor says, and Evan thinks he really does make a good point. Jared had told Evan so many times about his other friends and he’d just believed him. He’d never really thought about the fact that Jared could be making it all up. And all he can really say is “Oh.” </p><p>“Well Ev, as long as he isn’t a complete asshole to you, maybe you keep talking to him during your free period,” Zoe offers, pushing some of her lunch towards him like she always did. He takes it, like he always eventually did, nibbling on the side of his half of her sandwich and tells them, “Yeah, um I think I’ll see how it goes. Maybe he’s trying to show me he wants to be real friends, like Dr. Sherman said.”  </p><p>“Yeah, but if he steps out of line, I’ll fight him,” Zoe tells them, and Evan was not expecting that from her, Connor maybe, but not Zoe. And the thought of her fighting Jared for him makes him laugh and soon enough Alana and Connor join in laughing too. </p><p>Zoe’s the only one not laughing but Evan knows her feelings aren’t hurt because eventually she smiles, pushes him playfully and says, “Well I could, I could take him.” </p><p>And he wasn’t going to disagree with her. </p><p>The rest of their lunch goes on like how it normally did and that’s actually quite comforting to Evan. And he knows he’d probably mourn the loss of his crush on Zoe and the possibility of a future with her for a long time, but he still felt like he’d made the right call. </p><p>He didn’t need more, even if he wanted it. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>Zoe was feeling really good and really excited about things lately. Her classes were going well, band was awesome right now and she was loving the added responsibilities of first chair. And she was sure that Evan liked her back. </p><p>He’d kissed her! On the cheek, but still that was something and she was pretty sure <em>friends</em> didn’t kiss each other. It had to mean something. And she thinks it meant that Evan liked her the same way she liked him. </p><p>And she’d been a little worried about him over the weekend, knowing something had made him upset, and she wasn’t able to help more. She didn’t know what happened exactly, but she knew if Evan wanted to tell her, he would’ve. And she doesn’t mind too much, because Evan was entitled to his own privacy, but she really did just want to make him feel better. But she thinks that would be just treating him the same way she always had, showing him that it didn’t matter if he had an anxiety attack, it wouldn’t change the way she thought of him. </p><p>It was also the reason she still wanted to take her time and plan things accordingly, she didn’t want to scare him or push him into something he wasn’t quite ready for. And to be honest, she wasn’t all the way sure she was all the way ready for a full-on romantic relationship and the pressures that came with it, but she knew Evan was in the same boat, that anything they did together would be both their first times with “dating” and that made her feel a lot more ready, ready to try at least.</p><p>And Evan was extremely special to her. He meant more to her than anything else and she didn’t want to lose her best friend because they went on a weird date together, where they were both trying to hard to be perfect or right or anything other than their selves. She wanted them being together-together to be almost the same as now, except for like kissing, which she was more than excited for. </p><p>She’d been wanting to kiss Evan for a while now, and she was a little embarrassed to say that she thought about it a lot. But she couldn’t help daydreaming, it would be her first kiss and she knew it didn’t have to be special, but she wanted it to be. She wanted it with Evan and for it to be romantic and sweet and a memory that would make her happy every time she thought about it. </p><p>She also wouldn’t mind sharing other firsts with Evan too. Maybe she was lovesick, but right now she couldn’t imagine herself doing anything if it wasn’t with Evan. Going to college. Having sex.  Falling in love. Moving in together. Getting married. Maybe having a baby in the future. She wanted it all and she wanted it with him. </p><p>Because the only first she’d had so far was going on a date and it hadn’t exactly been the greatest. It was right after she started high school and a senior had asked her to the movies and she’d said yes, excited and giggly over it. She’d planned her outfit with her friends, she’d watched a make-up tutorial online, she did everything she thought she was supposed to do. </p><p>When the time came, he’d picked her up, held her hand during the movie (and she didn’t let go even though it put her arm in a weird position for an hour and a half), and when he dropped her off back at home, she could tell he was trying to kiss her. </p><p>And she panicked. She felt scared and weirded out and she didn’t know what to do, so she just turned her face quickly, making his kiss land on her cheek instead, and then she ran inside her house. </p><p>She never returned any of his texts after that, which now she knew probably wasn’t the nicest, but she had just turned fifteen and she had been scared. She hadn’t been ready to explore any of that and she couldn’t admit that to herself yet, since everyone around her apparently was. </p><p>When she told her friends, they said she ruined a great opportunity, that the boy was nice and cute and a senior and she should’ve let him kiss her, be grateful that a boy was interested in her. They just didn’t understand and slowly stopped talking to her after that, distancing themselves until Zoe was alone. </p><p>She didn’t understand why they didn’t want to be her friend anymore or why they thought she did something wrong, so she tried to focus more on band, try to be friends with those girls instead. </p><p>And like she told Connor, it had kind of worked. There were people she talked to in band or class, a group of people who were fine if she sat with them at lunch or stuff like that, but she’d never been close with anyone since. </p><p>Except Evan. And she wasn’t scared of Evan, not in the slightest. He made her happy and he made her feel ready to take their relationship down a new path. She was excited to learn and grow with him as they experienced things together. And she was positive he felt the same way. </p><p>And she felt like her friendship with Alana was growing too, that they were getting closer, close enough to talk about crushes and dates and kissing and first times, and everything else that girls talked about together. The things she couldn’t very well tell her brother or her other best friend (who happened to be crush in question). </p><p>She’d been having a lot of fun with Alana and she really liked Alana when she let her guard down and just let herself <em>be</em>. Alana was sincere and she trusted her. Zoe wanted to tell her things, hear her thoughts and opinions and she hoped Alana wanted the same thing with her. </p><p>But Zoe was finding that they never really had a lot of alone time to talk about these things, but since Evan and Connor didn’t do after school activities and they did, the time after band (for Zoe) perfectly matched with Alana’s schedule too. And today after band and Alana’s model UN meeting, Zoe was driving them to her house to get the boys and then they’d all celebrate Evan getting his cast off with milkshakes, then either her or Connor would drive her back to her car later in the night. </p><p>Zoe had just gotten done with band, but she hadn’t seen any kids from model UN around yet, so she figured they were running a little late, but she didn’t mind, waiting for Alana gave her time to flicker through different formal dresses online. </p><p>She’d been thinking about the upcoming fall formal and she really wanted to go so she’d been trying to get some ideas for dresses before going shopping. She knew it was a little early to buy a dress without a date, but she was kind of hoping that would come soon. She wanted to talk to Alana about it, she what she thought about Zoe asking Evan to the dance if he didn’t ask her first. She was hoping it’d be a good idea and it’d go well, hence needing a dress for the occasion. </p><p>Zoe’s broken out of her scrolling by the sound of her name and Alana waving at her, as students started to file out of the classroom she’d been waiting by. </p><p>“Hey Alana! How was model UN?” Zoe asks, jogging to her friend, genuinely curious about one of Alana’s many activities. She did a lot of things and managed to do all of them well and that always impressed Zoe. </p><p>“Very productive. I negotiated an entire peace treaty, which is kind of what took so long, so I’m sorry about that,” Alana tells her as they start to walk out to the parking lot and to Zoe’s little bug. </p><p>“Oh no worries, I was just looking at fall formal dresses,” Zoe says, watching as Alana’s eyes lit up at the mention of the dance. </p><p>“Ooh the fall formal? I went last year as a student chaperone and it seemed really fun,” Alana tells her and Zoe’s shocked that there was something like a student chaperone, but not at all shocked that Alana was one. Zoe hopes that this year Alana might want to go for real, in fact she was kind of hoping Alana would come with a date because she thought Evan might feel better knowing one of their friends was there too. </p><p>“I’ve never gone before, but I want to this year,” Zoe says unlocking her car with the clicker, but doesn’t get in yet. She pulls Alana a little closer to her, keeping her from getting inside too, asking her, “Alana, if I tell you something, you promise not to tell anyone else?” </p><p>“Of course, what is it?” Alana asks excitedly, glad that Zoe was trusting her with something, that they were gossiping like everyone else she knew did with their best friends.</p><p>“I’m really hoping Evan will ask me to the dance,” Zoe confesses, fiddling around with her keys instead of looking directly at Alana, adding, “But I might ask him too.” </p><p>Zoe finally looks up to Alana even though she was sure she was blushing; it was the first time she’d told anyone that she liked Evan. And Alana looks a little smug, maybe? She looked like she knew she was right about something, but Zoe doesn’t know how, seeing how this was the first time she’d ever brought it up before. </p><p>It kind of freaks her out just a little bit, so she tries to reiterate, “But don’t tell anyone ‘Lana. I think this could be the next step for us, but it needs to feel right and slow and natural, you know?” </p><p>“Yeah totally, and I wouldn’t,” Alana says, reassuring Zoe that she wouldn’t say anything to anyone. But then Alana smiles for real at her and says, “And if you asked him, I bet he’d say yes. I see the way that boy looks at you Zoe Murphy, like you hung the moon.” </p><p>Alana giggles at Zoe’s growing blush and dramatically reenacts swooning like she was in love, making them both laugh even more. And Zoe can’t help but be happy that she’d told Alana, it was nice to hear that someone else thought Evan liked her too. That it wasn’t all made up in her head. </p><p>“You know, it’s really nice to talk about stuff like this, like crushes and dances and stuff. Sometimes it feels like we really can’t talk about this with the boys,” Zoe tells Alana, finally getting her laughing under control. Zoe also opens her driver’s side door, knowing that as much as she wanted to stay and chatter about the dance with Alana, they did have plans. But they could talk and drive at the same time. Alana follows her and quickly gets in the passenger side as Zoe starts her car and pulls out of the parking lot. </p><p>“Yeah and I’ve never really gotten to talk to anyone about this either. Um sophomore year I tried to ask someone to a dance, and it didn’t go great. They were pretty mean about it,” Alana admits, and Zoe hates that for her friend, that that was one of her only experiences with like dating or liking someone. Zoe’s weren’t great either, but at least she had Evan to titter over now.  </p><p>“I’m sorry Alana that’s awful. You’re incredible and it was their loss,” Zoe tells her, watching how happy Alana looked, like she’d never had anyone say that to her before. And Zoe was happy to tell her things like that all the time. Alana was nice and smart and pretty and sweet and deserved to hear it. Zoe really wanted to have Alana as a close friend, and to her that meant supporting Alana and hyping her up. She was sure Alana would do the same for her. </p><p>“So Zoe, you know if you and Evan go together, maybe me and Connor could go too…like together,” Alana says softly, like she wasn’t sure how Zoe would respond to her saying she wanted to go to the formal with her brother.    </p><p>“Do you have a little crush on Connor?” Zoe asks enthusiastically, not at all freaked out by the idea of Connor and Alana together. She could totally see it and she was glad Alana told her too. Honestly, all of them going to the dance together would be perfect. Now Zoe was doubly excited. Evan would be much happier if Connor was Alana’s date than some stranger. </p><p>“Um, maybe? I don’t really know, but I know that he’s nice to me and I like that. I thought maybe the dance might be a good I don’t know, test? A way to see if maybe we could be more or if I even like him like that. I’m okay with being friends but what if we could be more? Is that dumb?” Alana says, and Zoe can see the deepening of her cheeks too, blushing over her confession. </p><p>“No, I see it. I think going to the dance would be perfect because you could go as <em>friends</em> and then decide if you like him without any pressure, you know? And we could go like as a double date, that way me and Evan are there if it gets awkward, because it’ll be like it always is, the four of us. It’ll be so much fun,” Zoe says, tapping her steering wheel excitedly because she couldn’t really do much more than that while in the car. But she was just too delighted to sit still. She never could have thought of anything better than what was happening now.  </p><p>“Yeah, I think so too. I think maybe tomorrow we just casually bring up the dance at lunch to see how they react. Like doing research before forming a complete plan,” Alana says, starting to get a lot less giggly and a lot more methodical about the dance. But Zoe’s on board with that too. </p><p>“Oh that’s good Alana. We’ll like drop some hints and do some reconnaissance. Like spies!” Zoe says, turning to look at Alana fully, her eyes completely lit up with the thought of scheming together with Alana to cajole the boys to the formal. Zoe’s just really, really glad that Connor let Alana sit next to him and Evan at that first football game. She got another best friend out of it and Connor might even get a girlfriend too. </p><p>“And you said you were looking at dresses earlier, maybe we could go together to get them?” Alana asks and Zoe can’t believe she hadn’t already asked Alana to do that. Zoe had been a little worried that she’d have to go alone or only with her mom (who would inevitably stuff Zoe into a cupcake-like poofy gown even though she didn’t want that), but now she had Alana. </p><p>“Oh Alana that’s perfect! It’ll be so much fun! But warning you now, my mom will probably want to come too, is that okay? Even if she picks horrendous dresses for us to try on?” Zoe asks hoping Alana wouldn’t mind too much. Zoe’s mom could be intense sometimes and Evan was used to her now, but Alana had only met her a few times. </p><p>“No it’s great! Your mom is so nice, and my mom really isn’t into this kind of stuff, so that would be fun. We could make a whole day of it, and then too, on the day of we can get ready together,” Alana squeals and Zoe doesn’t think she’s ever seen her this excited over something. But she was glad, Alana deserved to be excited over something that wouldn’t be on her college application, something that would just be for her. </p><p>“Of course! This is so exciting, I can’t wait!” Zoe says matching Alana’s elation with her own. She’d really missed this kind of thing. And she’s pretty sure Alana won’t stop talking to her if she tells her that she didn’t kiss Evan at the end of the night. </p><p>“So tell me more about Evaaaaaan,” Alana says, exaggerating Evan’s name just to tease Zoe a little. And it works because Zoe can feel herself blushing once again at nothing more than saying Evan’s name. </p><p>“Well what do you want to know exactly?” Zoe says, needing Alana to be more specific because she could probably go on and on about Evan and everything she liked about him.</p><p>“When did you know you liked him as more than a friend?” Alana asks genuinely, and Zoe thinks it’s probably because she wants to know, but also maybe wants to know how to tell if she liked Connor that way. </p><p>“I mean like this summer was when I really started thinking about us more, because we started to hang out like every day,” Zoe tells her and that was the truth, she fallen for Evan pretty much the day he’d literally fallen. But she’d been thinking about it more, wondering what she’d tell Evan if he ever asked her about it and it was really before that, so Zoe adds, “But um probably more last year when I just kept hoping I’d see him in the hallway. I’d catch a glimpse of him and just like perk up kind of, just by seeing this boy who the only thing I knew was his name. Sometimes it made my whole day, seeing him. But sometimes it hurt because sometimes he’d look so sad and I really wish I went up to him then, but I kept thinking it didn’t mean anything and let myself get distracted by other stuff. I didn’t know how much I was going to like him.” </p><p>“Zoe that is the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. You for sure need to tell Evan that. He’d, well I don’t know what he’d do, but he’d probably be so happy,” Alana says, knowing their friend would want to hear that someone’s day got better just by seeing him. It was something they all wanted to hear. </p><p>“Okay, I might. But I’m still nervous, what if I’ve read too much into stuff? Do you really think he likes me as more than his best friend,” Zoe asks, suddenly a little hesitant, needing the reassurance that she felt from earlier, the knowledge that someone else saw the special thing that was happening between her and Evan. </p><p>“Girl, yes! You have absolutely nothing to worry about,” Alana says confidently, and Zoe believes her. </p><p>She had absolutely nothing to worry about when it came to Evan.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Do you think Evan made a good decision or do you think he's going to stick to it??? And Jared is back! He's trying to be nicer and he's starting slow, which is what I think Evan needs for him to consider trusting him again. Also how freaking cute are Zoe and Alana? I love that they're getting along so well and trusting each other with <em>secrets</em> and it just reminds me of fun high school stuff and I love that! Next up the whole group is going to talk about the formal and everything that comes with it!!!! Stay tuned!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Love's A Fragile Little Flame</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Plans for the fall formal are made.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!! I was feeling a little uninspired with the chapter this week because I've been so stressed at work. So if it's a little choppy, I blame that. It's slightly shorter than the last couple chapters have been, but just a little. I do think overall it's pretty cute and hopefully the things I want are coming through! </p>
<p>I absolutely adore all of you lovely readers so much. Thank you for reading along and supporting this story. I would love to hear your thoughts on where the story is going and especially if you like the POVs switching/ knowing things that not all the characters know. It's the first time I've written like this and I think it would work well going into my next story that I'll be working on (and spoiler alert it's going to be long, possibly three stories within a collection) and would just love to hear your thoughts! But just reading is always enough :) </p>
<p>I hope you enjoy the chapter!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Connor had been really worried all Sunday and Monday morning about Evan, but when he finally saw him at lunch, he knew everything would be fine. And that was making him feel so much better about everything. He’d felt so guilty knowing that he’d caused his best friend to have an anxiety attack over night at their house and that he’d tried to brush it off to Zoe when she was concerned about it. </p>
<p>Like he knew Evan wasn’t being himself during the movie and stuff, but he didn’t know it had progressed past that once him and Zoe had fallen asleep. And he hates thinking that Evan was up and all alone, riddled with panic. Connor never knew if what he felt could be considered a panic or anxiety attack, but he knew when he got overwhelmed with emotion and shut everything and everyone out that it was horrible and lonely and he hated it, and he hopes Evan didn’t feel like that for too long. </p>
<p>He was honestly hoping it actually wasn’t as bad as Zoe said because he didn’t want to admit to her or himself really that it had been his fault. He hadn’t caused any trouble, between them, between him and his dad, none of it since he’d fully apologized to her. And he wanted to keep it that way, so he didn’t tell her about him and Evan’s talk. He was too scared that she’d be upset with him. </p>
<p>And then she’d go from upset to mad and then tell Evan everything and then they’d be fine together, and he’d be all alone. Which was what he was trying to prevent in the first place. </p>
<p>And in hindsight, he probably should have talked to Zoe about if she liked Evan or if Evan liked her, and not the other way around, but that was just something him and Zoe didn’t talk about. </p>
<p>They’d never brought up dating or liking someone or anything like it at all. And in the back of his mind, he’d known that eventually Zoe would start seeing someone and he was perfectly happy with that happening, as long as it wasn’t <em>Evan</em>, their best friend. But they’d never, ever talked about it before. </p>
<p>But maybe they could? Would it be weird to talk to his little sister about that stuff? </p>
<p>He honestly wasn’t sure because he always felt like he couldn’t talk to <em>anyone</em> about it. He always felt like he was the odd one out and it made him feel awful. He’d never really had a crush on someone before, had never really been interested in someone, and he was always worried that meant something was wrong with him. That being with somebody was just another thing he couldn’t get right. </p>
<p>It didn’t really help that he’d done <em>stuff</em> before, he’d never slept with anyone, but he’d randomly make-out with girls at parties and he thinks he might have gone a little further with someone too, but he couldn’t remember what they did or who it was. He was almost always high at those things and he never knew if that was why it never really felt right. Was it weird because something was wrong with him or because he could barely function when he was doing it? </p>
<p>Was it the people he’d been with that were wrong? Did they feel like something wasn’t right too? Was it just girls? Would he feel differently with someone else? He didn’t know, maybe that’s how everyone felt. Maybe that was what it was like and other people enjoyed it and he was right, something <em>was</em> wrong with him.   </p>
<p>But thinking about it too much was making him upset. And actually, he didn’t need to talk to Zoe about it. They didn’t need to add this on top of other things too. It would probably make him upset, then she’d get upset, and he most certainly didn’t want that. He never wanted to be responsible for Zoe being upset ever again, that was his promise, and he was going to keep it.  </p>
<p>And none of it mattered anyway because everything was fine now. He’d been right that nothing was going on between Zoe and Evan and there wasn’t much use dwelling on it after that as long as it didn’t come up again. </p>
<p>Lunch and the whole rest of the day went by completely the way they had planned it beforehand. Evan was a little quieter, but he’d just gotten his cast off and was trying to deal with Jared attempting to befriend him, so Connor was sure their thing was long gone from his mind. Evan was probably completely over it.  </p>
<p>Because if it was still bothering him, Connor would know, right? He was his best friend and Evan would tell him, and he hadn’t. So everything was good.</p>
<p>And then after school, Evan had come home with him like he always did, and they followed their normal routine. They did a little homework, ate the snack Cynthia had brought them, Evan had showed him a picture of the plant he was growing in class (that wasn’t an everyday thing, but it had sprouted today, and Evan had been really excited about it), and then they played on his Switch until Zoe and Alana came home. </p>
<p>It was an utterly ordinary afternoon.  </p>
<p>Connor had noticed that Zoe and Alana seemed extra giggly and excitable, something he’d normally say wasn’t very Alana-y, but they had been celebrating Evan’s freedom from his cast, so he’d give them that as an excuse. They all had been excited for Evan, if anything, Evan had probably been the least excited.</p>
<p>Even if Zoe and Alana were excited about something else, Connor was mostly just happy they were getting along so well. He really liked Alana and was glad Zoe did too. He liked having her as a part of their group, but he also liked that Zoe could have another close girlfriend, knowing the way she’d been treated by other girls at their school. Him and Evan could only fill in so much, and he was elated that Alana could fill in the rest. He really did want his little sister to be happy. She deserved it. </p>
<p>But even hanging out Monday night, getting milkshakes and driving around had felt extremely normal, like nothing had happened that was weird over the weekend. They even stayed out longer than they probably should have, making them late to dinner, but it’d been worth it. They were having a good time, having fun and being teenagers, something all four of them needed just a little more of. </p>
<p>It wasn’t weird either because the whole time they stayed as a group. There was no “pairing off” of the four of them like what happened Saturday night when he got left alone with Alana. And not that he didn’t enjoy being Alana’s partner for the games and everything (honestly, he was probably too competitive to have had it any other way) but he didn’t want to give any reason for Evan and Zoe to be closer to each other. </p>
<p>Was that a little petty and probably overkill? Yeah probably, but he was just being cautious. Because even if they weren’t together <em>now</em>, they could be headed that way and Connor wanted to prevent that. And if would never happen if all of them just continued to act like friends. Be normal and be friends. It wouldn’t be that hard. </p>
<p>And today proved it. Hanging out Monday after school was everything that Connor had wanted for pretty much his whole life. He had friends, who did normal teenager shit and nothing else. No one was left out, no one was cast aside in favor of a significant other. It was perfect and Connor didn’t want it to change. </p>
<p>But when he wakes up Tuesday, he remembers that Zoe would be going to pick up Evan for school, that they drove together in the mornings that she had band in the afternoon. And now he was worried about it, even though they’d been doing it for a couple weeks now. </p>
<p>What if Evan told her everything once they were alone and Zoe hated him? What if they both conspired against him? What if they got Alana in on it too? What if all his fears came true because he let them drive to school together alone? </p>
<p>He supposes he could talk to Zoe about it or maybe he could pretend something was wrong with his car and go with them? But he wouldn’t really be able to keep that lie up past a day and then him and Evan would be stuck at school until Zoe was done with band. And he hated being crammed into Zoe’s tiny car. But maybe…</p>
<p>No. He couldn’t keep thinking like this. He wouldn’t bring it up to Zoe, and he was going to let them do this. He was just being paranoid. Evan and Zoe weren’t trying to plot against him. They were his friends and he needed to trust them. He needed to trust that when Evan said there wasn’t anything happening that there wasn’t. It was hard, but he needed to trust his best friend. </p>
<p>Zoe and Evan would fine alone together for the like eight minutes it took to get to school from Evan’s house. It was what they normally did, and if he really wanted things to stay “normal”, then he needed to let it happen, let things be normal. And he was sure Zoe would know something was up if he asked to come with her, and he didn’t want her to be suspicious of anything.</p>
<p>He could do this; he could deal with it. He would see them at the tree where they met, and everything would be fine. </p>
<p>But at least for a little while, he’d keep his eye on them. Nothing too obvious though because he didn’t want Evan to think that he didn’t trust him. Because he did trust Evan. Well mostly. He trusted Evan more than he’s trusted anyone else, but he was definitely aware that Evan never <em>actually</em> answered his question. But he’d give him the benefit of the doubt and let it slide because he knew he’d overwhelmed Evan and it wasn’t fair to judge the things he said while under duress. </p>
<p>And he felt confident that Evan wouldn’t really try anything now that he knew it would make Connor upset, that he wasn’t okay with him and Zoe being more than friends. He trusted Evan enough to know that he wouldn’t intentionally hurt him like that. So really, he was getting jumpy and paranoid for no reason. Nothing would happen. </p>
<p>Connor tells himself to calm down and heads downstairs to eat breakfast. He passes Zoe on his way down, who was just leaving, so he waves to her and she cheerily waves back to him. He not sure why, but it makes him feel a little better. He rushes through eating, mostly to avoid his dad, but he does want to get to school sooner, minimizing the time he spent alone. </p>
<p>When he gets to school, he heads for their meeting spot and he doesn’t see Zoe or Evan, so he must have beat them to school, but he does see Alana, pacing back and forth, reading from an open binder somewhat frantically. </p>
<p>“Hey Alana! What’s up?” Connor calls to her, jogging to meet her and waving at her when her head snaps up from her binder upon hearing her name. </p>
<p>“I’m studying for my calculus test first period. I really should have studied more yesterday,” Alana says, tucking her head back down, scanning over her notes again and again before dramatically flipping the page. </p>
<p>“You’re like the smartest person I know, you’re going to do great,” Connor says nicely to her. He never could quite figure out why Alana was always so stressed about school. She genuinely was the smartest person in their class and was always completely prepared for everything. He thought she could give herself a little more credit when it came to school stuff. </p>
<p>“That’s really nice of you to say Connor,” Alana says, actually stopping her frenzied studying of math problems to smile up at him. </p>
<p>“Well it’s true, but I know we messed around kinda late last night, so I hope we didn’t actually mess anything up,” Connor somewhat apologizes. He also knew Alana’s parents were even stricter than his were (well Larry, Cynthia was a bit of a pushover) and he never wanted her to get in trouble or feel completely behind in coursework because she was hanging out with them. </p>
<p>“Oh no, I didn’t mean it like that. I had so much fun last night, really. Thank you guys again for inviting me,” Alana says, and Connor thinks she must be a little embarrassed to tell him that because he thinks she’s blushing a little. </p>
<p>“Okay that’s good, because it was a lot of fun and you’re always invited Alana, to anything we do, no matter what,” Connor tells her, and he means it. He figured it was probably a little hard for Alana coming into their group when him, Zoe, and Evan were already so close. He really wanted her to feel welcome and like one of them.</p>
<p>“Thanks Connor, that really means a lot,” Alana tells him, and Connor’s about to ask her more about her exam or possibly reassure her (but he always felt like Zoe was better at that), when Evan and Zoe appear next to them. </p>
<p>Connor looks them over once and he feels pretty good about their “alone” time. They weren’t holding hands, they weren’t standing too close and neither of them were extensively blushing, nothing out of the ordinary. Good. </p>
<p>Even though he does notice that Evan looks a little skittish, but was that how he normally was? Or was Connor just being hyperaware of things? It was probably nothing. Evan was fine. He was fine. Everyone was fine. </p>
<p>They keep chatting about random stuff until the bell rings and they all head to their classes, dropping Zoe off at band and walking with Alana until she got to her classroom. Evan and he wish Alana good luck on her exam and head to their own first period. </p>
<p>Connor finds his morning classes go by quickly, with nothing too exciting happening, but he welcomes the break that lunch gives anyway. He’s happy anytime class goes by quickly, the only class he even actually liked was art, but that was his last class of the day, so the quicker he got there, the better where he was concerned. </p>
<p>But he liked lunch too. He liked hanging out with everyone, getting a break in the middle of the day. So he heads to their tree and finds everyone else waiting for him, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of seeing his friends waiting for him. That they cared about him being there and joining them. It makes him feel good. </p>
<p>He greets everyone and they just start chatting about classes and stuff while they search for an open table. And when they find one, instead of sitting next to Alana like he normally would, he sits down right next to Evan, taking the spot that was normally Zoe’s. </p>
<p>He’s not exactly sure why he does it, but he does it without thinking too much about it. And Evan doesn’t say anything about it, only looks down at the table and pulls out a bag of plain looking crackers, breaking them in half, but not eating them. But Zoe gives him a weird look, narrowing her eyes at him, and reluctantly sits next to Alana, directly across from Evan without saying anything.</p>
<p>He really hopes she doesn’t ask about it later because he doesn’t want to lie, but he also doesn’t want to tell her the truth. But just in case Zoe was thinking about bringing up their current seating arrangement, Connor starts telling them about this terrible movie they started watching in French, hoping that it kickstarts their conversation. </p>
<p>It does work the way Connor was hoping and soon they’re all talking happily again, bringing up various things that had happened since this morning. Zoe tells them about her English teacher falling asleep during class, Alana tells them that her calculus test went really well, and Evan tells them about Jared sitting with him again during his free period.</p>
<p>And Connor is kind of happy that Jared was trying to befriend Evan once more. He wanted him to fully apologize first though, for taking advantage of Evan’s kindness and social anxiety to be mean to him and to treat him as less than. Connor knew Jared thought they were friends, even if Jared had never told Evan that, and he needed the brash slap in the face that was Evan standing up for himself and finding other people to realize he needed to change. </p>
<p>Because regretfully, Jared was kind of growing on Connor since they sometimes talked in civics now. He didn’t want to like him because he was a dick to Evan, but when Jared wasn’t purposefully being an asshole, he was pretty cool. </p>
<p>Jared was pretty sarcastic, but so was Connor, so they actually worked together fairly well. Connor could take Jared’s shit and deal it back doubly if he really wanted to, and part of him thinks that Jared knows that too. And Connor never really considered Jared one of the students who tried to make his life worse the last two years, so he wasn’t someone he thought he needed Zoe or Evan with him to be around. </p>
<p>Yes, Jared had tried to make fun of him on the first day of school, but Connor had forgiven that once he learned more about Jared. Connor was pretty sure Jared was just trying to be “cool” in front of Evan and impress him, since Evan wasn’t giving him much time or attention. Then it backfired hard when Zoe came for him and it was pretty clear, to Connor at least, that Jared was really jealous that Evan had good friends now. And Connor understood acting out when you were feeling insecure and jealous. He probably knew that better than anyone. </p>
<p>And if Zoe could forgive him for it, he could forgive Jared for it. But he couldn’t forgive the way Jared treated Evan, at least not until Evan did, and that was pretty much the only thing keeping him from reaching out more. Evan was Connor’s <em>best</em> friend and how he felt was the most important opinion on Jared. </p>
<p>He wouldn’t ever consider risking his friendship with Evan or risk hurting him by being overly friendly with a bully. But if Evan was giving Jared a second chance, of his own volition, then Connor wouldn’t mind letting Jared hang out with them a little. </p>
<p>Connor had been busy thinking about Jared and Evan, that he hadn’t really been listening to where their conversation was headed, until Zoe asks them, switching topics completely, “Did you guys see the flyers for the fall formal? It’s at the end of next week.” </p>
<p>He really wishes he’d been paying closer attention, because maybe then they could’ve kept talking about class or maybe a TV show or their plans for later in the week, anything really that wasn’t a stupid dance, meant for stupid dates and stupid people who peaked in high school. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I saw them, it looks really lame,” Connor says, hoping maybe they could squash talking about the formal early on if he could convince them it was stupid and lame the way he thought it was. </p>
<p>“Well I think it sounds fun,” Zoe says, giving him a small glare to let him know she disagreed with him, that she was ready to stand her ground in her stubborn little sister way. </p>
<p>“D-did you want t-to go Zoe?” Evan asks quietly, not looking at her and stuttering for the first time around them in a long time. He must be nervous that Connor would think he was like trying to like <em>ask</em> her by asking her if she wanted to go. Connor knew he wasn’t obviously, just clearly wondering, like him, why Zoe brought it up out of seemingly nowhere. Why any of them would want to go at all. </p>
<p>But Connor sees the way she perks up, smiles at Evan when she very distinctly was glaring at him prior, but Evan couldn’t see because he wasn’t looking at any of them, still breaking his crackers, which were basically breadcrumbs at this point. </p>
<p>“I think it sounded pretty fun too,” Alana says a little shyly, glancing over to Connor to see his reaction while Zoe was busy trying to subtly get Evan to look up from his lap. </p>
<p>“Really? The stuffy gym and lame decorations and freshman trying to smoke in the bathroom sounds fun?” Connor asks them, not understanding why they all were on board with this. He’d gone to some dances his freshman and sophomore years and they sucked. Actually, what he remembered about them sucked and he was not eager to relive any of the terrible parts. </p>
<p>“I mean, I’ve n-never been to a dance before, it could be fun,” Evan says in an even quieter voice than before, but at least he was finally looking up, addressing all of them. </p>
<p>It was not looking promising on Connor’s plan to convince them it would be terrible before they were dead set on going. Because he knows Zoe has never been to a high school dance before, and he wasn’t sure about Alana, but it was looking like she wanted to go too. </p>
<p>“Yeah it could be really fun. And that’s not all there is Connor. We could go to a fancy dinner, wear pretty clothes, dance, hang out, and overall, it would probably be really fun,” Zoe says, glancing over to Alana, who starts nodding agreeing with what Zoe said. And even Evan was looking at Zoe like he trusted her that it would be fun and okay. </p>
<p>“It’s um, well we should definitely think about it. It could be a fun thing to do, like Zoe said. Something we could do and maybe like think about dates to take or something,” Alana says, a little flustered in a way that Connor had never seen before. What in the hell was going on? What was happening to his friends? Now they wanted to bring dates too? </p>
<p>“Um, what if um, what if we went as a group? Like just us, that could be fun, right?” Evan says hesitantly, looking at Zoe first, then quickly looking around to both Connor and Alana. </p>
<p>And Connor can’t help but stare at Evan, dumbfounded, like Evan had grown a third eye or something. Why would Evan suggest they all go together? In fact, why did Evan even want to go at all? Besides the fact he hadn’t done it before, but that usually kept Evan from trying things. And Connor was positive that the dance would be the opposite of things Evan liked. It was going to be loud and hot and crowded, things all of them hated. </p>
<p>“That’s a great idea Evan,” Alana says excitedly, which makes Evan give her the tiniest smile, glad that someone had agreed that he didn’t have a terrible idea. But when Connor looks over to Zoe, she looks a little stressed, like maybe things weren’t happening the exact way she was hoping, but that look is quickly replaced with a smile, directed towards Evan and Alana though. </p>
<p>“Connor what do you think of the four of us going together?” Alana asks, clearly trying to include him in the plans that were very likely coming to fruition. </p>
<p>And what did he really think? He thought the idea of them going together sounded like a thinly veiled attempt at a double date situation, where Evan and Zoe would skitter off together, leaving him awkwardly alone with Alana. What’s worse is he doesn’t even think Evan suggested going as group to intentionally do that. </p>
<p>Because Evan looked like he regretted saying anything at all, like he was about to interrupt to apologize profusely for suggesting something so terrible and claim it was dumb and never bring it up again. </p>
<p>But Connor feels just as bad as if Evan had done it on purpose.</p>
<p>He thinks this might have been Evan’s way of trying to prevent the double date thing, emphasize that they were all friends, but Connor just knows that’s what would happen. And he didn’t like it. But when he looks to Alana, she looks so hopeful, waiting to hear his thoughts, and Zoe had finally looked to him too, looking just as hopeful as Alana, like they wanted him to say yes so badly, that they did actually want him there too. </p>
<p>That’s what gets him, the fact that they probably wouldn’t go without him. And he really didn’t want to hurt their feelings. He wanted them to be happy, Evan too, but maybe he could do something to keep it from being couple-y? Maybe he could take on that job so that the rest of them could experience the dance that they so desperately wanted to go to for some reason. Yeah he could do that. </p>
<p>“Okay, fine. If you really want to, we could go,” Connor relents, but suddenly thinks of the perfect thing to make their group hang not a double date and adds, “Maybe we should invite Jared too?” </p>
<p>“Why though?” Evan responds almost immediately, looking at Connor with real confusion, like he couldn’t grasp at all why Connor would want to invite Jared along with them, like why invite someone who was already on thin ice and would introduce way more stress? </p>
<p>Truthfully, it was so they would have to act like a group, not two couples, and the added pressure of Jared being around would keep Zoe and Evan from doing anything romantic. Connor was pretty sure of it. And he wasn’t sure how Alana felt about it all, but he was sure she didn’t want to be left alone awkwardly with him when she was hoping to spend time with all of them. So he was kind of doing this for her too. </p>
<p>And was it a shitty thing to do in general? To suggest someone they barely liked, be invited with them to the formal? Yeah probably, but not as shitty as them scheming to date and plotting to abandon him once that happened, using him, Alana, and the dance as cover for their ruse.</p>
<p>“I don’t know, weren’t you just saying that today went well and he was trying? Maybe it’d be a nice thing to do? Maybe he’ll be nice in a non-school situation, maybe it’ll be fun,” Connor says lightly, trying to hide his intentions from everyone else. </p>
<p>Connor watches as Evan looks to Zoe and Alana, trying to gauge their thoughts on the matter without actually asking them and Zoe looked as equally confused as Evan, maybe verging on angry, and Alana looked hesitant, like she didn’t want to shut it down, but also wasn’t thrilled with the proposal. No one looks like they’re on board with it though. </p>
<p>And when Connor thinks Evan’s about to say no, he cuts him off a little saying, “I mean you could just ask him to come with us, he might say no.” </p>
<p>Connor wanted them to think he was just being nice (which he kind of was, because he did kind of think that Jared was lonely and would enjoy the invitation but that was more of an afterthought), rather than explicitly trying to keep his best friend and sister apart. And he thinks it’s working because Evan looked a little more contemplative than he did previously. </p>
<p>“Um, I guess so, I can um, ask him tomorrow,” Evan finally says, looking down at his crackers again, ignoring the tupperware of grapes Zoe had set beside him earlier. </p>
<p>“Cool,” Connor says for lack something better to say and he sees Zoe roll her eyes at him, clearly a little annoyed still, but whatever, she’d get over it. He’d agreed to go, and they didn’t even know yet if Jared would come, so really Zoe had gotten what she wanted. And maybe she was right, maybe they would have fun as the <em>five</em> of them. </p>
<p>If they were going to go as a group of friends, they would act like a group of friends. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>==</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Zoe swears this was one of the longest weeks of her life, it seemed like it was just dragging on and on, and she was incredibly grateful that it was Friday. And what’s weird was she had everything to make this week great, she was doing okay in her classes, band was great, her parents had been in fairly good moods, her, Alana, Connor, and Evan had hung out every day. Everything <em>should</em> have been great, but she just felt off. </p>
<p>And she was pretty sure it had to do with Evan. </p>
<p>She’d noticed this week that he was a lot less affectionate with her and overall just kind of jumpy and withdrawn. It had all started after his panic attack on Sunday but had gotten worse after her and Alana had brought up the dance.  </p>
<p>So at first she thought it just had to do with the formal, that he was nervous to go, maybe stressed about going as a group or going with Jared or maybe even the cost of everything, those were things she was stressed about (well not really the cost but the other two definitely), so she knew it had to be worse for Evan. But when she asked him about it on their way to school Thursday, he said he was excited about it, that he couldn’t wait to tell his mom when he saw her that night, which confused her even more. </p>
<p>Why was he pulling away from her then? It had to be something, and she wanted to know what it was. And to anyone else, they probably wouldn’t even notice the change in him, but she did. And it was worrying her, and she wanted to know what happened. She used to think that Evan would tell her anything, but maybe it was bigger than her and she was just being selfish. Maybe he was working through something and would tell her when he was ready.</p>
<p>And it wasn’t really that he wasn’t telling her, it was that she wanted to help, no matter what it was. She wanted him to be happy more than anything. Zoe was starting to think her crush was moving much faster towards something she’d never felt before. Something serious and deep and maybe even love. There was a strong possibility that she was head over heels in love with Evan Hansen. </p>
<p>But she wasn’t ready to tell anyone that yet, it was something she was keeping to herself, to ponder and bask in until she was ready to tell Evan. Which she’d never be able to do if he kept not being himself and sad. So she’d figure out a way to fix it, hopefully before the formal. </p>
<p>And she’d start by talking to Alana, mostly about their plans for the formal, because she hadn’t really gotten the chance to check in with Alana either. She wanted to know how Alana felt about their whole plan getting changed with Connor making them invite Jared. They’d gone from what could have been a super cute double date to going as a group with someone Zoe didn’t even like because Evan had begrudgingly told them that Jared had said yes to coming with them. At least Evan had told him that it was conditional though. </p>
<p>Jared only got to come if he didn’t say anything rude or hurtful to Evan or about Evan or about them in the next week before the dance. And Zoe was really proud of Evan for that. It took a lot to set the boundary and she was going to help him stick to it. Because even if they were going as a “group”, Zoe really wanted the whole night to be about her and Evan. And she sure as hell wasn’t going to let <em>Jared Kleinman</em> ruin that for them. </p>
<p>She really wished he wasn’t coming, it wasn’t what either her or Alana planned, but Zoe guesses it was fine because it was better than nothing. At least Evan and Connor weren’t going with other people and at least Connor had agreed to go, because Zoe could tell he didn’t really want to.</p>
<p>She would still be at the formal, with Evan, just in a slightly different way than she’d first envisioned, so it wasn’t a complete bust. But she did want to figure out a way to tell Evan that she had specifically wanted to go with <em>him</em>, that that was her intention from the start. </p>
<p>But then it was Evan who suggested the whole group thing first, which was another confusing thing. But she hadn’t said anything, just agreed with him because she didn’t want Evan to feel weird about it, even though she didn’t know why he even suggested it in the first place. </p>
<p>Maybe he’d been worried that she wanted to go with someone else when Alana had said something about dates? Maybe he had been planning on asking her, but panicked when they brought it up at lunch? Because maybe he was just as worried that she’d say yes to someone else before he could ask her, the same way she was worried that he wouldn’t want to go with her as a real date. But the thought of him at least trying to make sure they’d go together in some way makes her feel better about it all. Reassures her that Evan really did like her as more than a friend, that maybe he was just showing it more slowly, in a more Evan way. </p>
<p>But she was still going to talk to Alana about it all when they went dress shopping tomorrow. Something they hadn’t told the boys they were doing yet, but it was something that Zoe was really looking forward to, probably the one thing that made this week seem slightly redeemable. </p>
<p>Zoe had told her mom about everything for the formal, that they were going as a group, that her and Alana needed dresses and shoes and stuff, and Cynthia was thrilled about it, probably even more excited than Zoe was and immediately started planning out places they would go, asking Zoe more about Alana and what they were thinking about colors and styles and accessories and just everything.</p>
<p>It was a little overwhelming to Zoe, but she was glad her mom was excited. It probably wasn’t even the dress part Cynthia was excited about it, it was spending time with Zoe. Cynthia had tried so hard to force them all together as a family over the summer after Connor came back from rehab, but she had calmed down a lot since her and Connor started hanging out with Evan, coming together on their own terms. But it meant her and Connor were busy a lot and neither one of them really wanted to be around their dad, which made things harder, so Zoe hadn’t really been spending time with her mom at all the last two months. </p>
<p>And she supposes that her mom being a little too much was probably better than her not caring at all, so Zoe was just going to go with it. And her mom was pretty good at spotting things she’d never normally try, and was never afraid to give her opinion, so she usually made a pretty good shopping buddy. And Zoe wanted her dress to be perfect, so she needed all the help she could get. </p>
<p>She wasn’t completely sure what she wanted yet, without seeing what she could try on yet. But she’d been thinking blue maybe (and not because it was Evan’s favorite color, definitely not that), probably long, and probably flowy. She’d found some dresses online to show her mom and Alana as inspiration, and she was hoping she’d find something like that. She knew Alana probably had an idea too, along with photos and probably measurements too. Zoe couldn’t wait to help her find the perfect dress too. </p>
<p>And the majority of her worries about Evan lessen when she tells him and Connor at lunch on Friday that her and Alana were going dress shopping Saturday with her mom and he very sweetly asks if he could go too. </p>
<p>“Sorry Ev, this one is just for us,” Zoe tells him, and she wishes she could hold his hand to let him know it wasn’t because she didn’t want him there, but she couldn't, because Connor had been stealing her seat next to him all week. </p>
<p>“But why? I like shopping, we could help,” Evan says, his eyes flickering to Connor, lumping him into the day too. And all Connor does is roll his eyes at the offer and it slightly annoys her. </p>
<p>Zoe knew Connor was fine with shopping, she’d taken them shopping several times overt the summer, and both of them had picked things out for her to try on and had fun making decisions with her. So she figured his exasperation was because they were talking about the dance. </p>
<p>She was really going to have to talk to him about his grumpy attitude towards the formal because it was getting to be a lot at this point. The three of them were excited and she knew they’d have a good time, so she didn’t understand why Connor was so against it. </p>
<p>And she didn’t want Alana to have a bad time because Connor was being cranky about having to go. That wouldn’t be fair to her and it definitely wouldn’t help her figure out if she liked him as more than a friend. Zoe wanted them both to have a really good time, she wanted them all too.</p>
<p>But it made her feel really good that Evan really was excited, and that part of that excitement could be from wanting to see her in a pretty dress. And she thinks he might get pretty excited if she could finagle a way to make their outfits match, like real dates. Maybe once she found out what color her dress would be, she could help him pick out a tie or subtly suggest that he wear one that matches hers. Yeah, that was a good plan. </p>
<p>“But Ev you can’t come because you can’t see our dresses before the dance, that’s how these things work. And I want to, um I mean we want to surprise you guys since we’re going as a group and all,” Zoe tells Evan, which was mostly true. She did want to surprise him, see the look on his face when she made a grand entrance down their staircase after getting ready. </p>
<p>Plus she wanted to talk to Alana about Evan, which she couldn’t exactly do if he was there with them. </p>
<p>“Oh, okay,” Evan says, still looking like he didn’t quite understand why he couldn’t see their dresses but believing Zoe when she said that was part of the dance experience. </p>
<p>“But don’t worry about it, it’ll be worth it on Saturday, I promise,” Zoe tells him in what she hopes was a semi-flirty way. She really did think that Evan would think the wait was worth it because she thought waiting to be with him in the most perfect way was worth it. And she really wanted him to feel the same. </p>
<p>And Zoe doesn’t miss the way Connor rolls his eyes again. What was his problem even? Like why was he being like this about the dance? She was seriously fed up and if he kept acting like this into next week, she was going to talk to him about it. </p>
<p>“And maybe you and Connor can do something fun together instead, Evan,” Alana suggests, probably noticing the same way Zoe did that Evan seemed pretty bummed about not being able to go with them. </p>
<p>“Yeah, we will, and it’ll be better than dress shopping,” Connor says in a tone Zoe couldn’t quite figure out, but she hopes he was telling the truth and they really would do something fun instead of coming shopping with her and Alana. It wasn’t like she wanted to exclude either of them, but it really was the most practical option in order to surprise both of them. </p>
<p>Zoe once again wishes she could hold his hand so Evan would just <em>know</em> that everything would be okay, but she can’t so she tries the next best thing and nudges his foot with hers softly making him look to her. She smiles at him and keeps lightly tapping his foot until he finally does it back and gives her a small smile again. And Zoe knows he’ll be okay for now and come Saturday, Evan would be even more than okay. </p>
<p>=</p>
<p>The next day Zoe wakes up feeling really giddy and excited about the day ahead her. She couldn’t wait to talk to Alana freely about their crushes and gossip together about what they could do to minimize Jared’s presence and just search and hopefully find the perfect dress. It was an exciting day and Zoe was going to appreciate that. </p>
<p>She gets ready quickly and heads downstairs to meet her mom, opting to not eat anything because she was too excited. They’d get lunch somewhere fun anyway, Zoe was sure of it. And Cynthia seems just as excited as Zoe, bustling around the kitchen, clearly waiting for Zoe to come down so they could get on with their day. </p>
<p>“Are you ready to go Zoe? Do you need anything before we pick up Alana?” Cynthia asks her already grabbing her keys and purse, probably expecting Zoe to say no, but doesn’t really wait for her to answer. </p>
<p>“No I’m good, I just want to get started and I think Alana does too,” Zoe says excitedly, grabbing her phone to check if Alana had texted her or not. She hadn’t, but Alana knew they were picking her up early, so Zoe wasn’t too worried.  </p>
<p>“Good, good. I can’t wait to see what you girls pick out. It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to go dress shopping. Now remind me of your vision Zoe. I remember blue, but what else?” Cynthia asks her as they walk out to Cynthia’s SUV. </p>
<p>“Well I think I want a long dress, but not puffy, so nothing too big, more sleek and timeless. I wouldn’t mind a little sparkle, but it’s not a requirement. I just want something really spectacular,” Zoe explains dreamily, still mostly imagining what Evan would think when he saw her, imagining something he’d really like. </p>
<p>“You really want to impress Evan there, don’t you?” Cynthia says with a teasing tone and it completely snaps Zoe out of her little daydream. How did her mom know? She hadn’t told anyone but Alana. And she wasn’t ready for her mom to know yet, what if she didn’t let Evan stay over as often as he did or puts some weird restrictions on how much she can see him. </p>
<p>“What? No, Mom, what are you talking about?” Zoe tries to deny, sure that she was blushing furiously, looking away from her and looking out the window instead. </p>
<p>“Zoe please. I’m your mother, of course I know you like him. I’ve known since day one, since you hobbled over with him and his broken arm,” Cynthia says, her tone still light and playful, reaching over to shake Zoe’s leg, probably hoping to reassure Zoe that it was fine that she had a crush on her best friend. </p>
<p>“Oh,” is all Zoe can say, still a little flustered that her mom would know something she thought she’d kept pretty secret. But at least she didn’t have to hide it anymore, she could talk freely about Evan all of today. </p>
<p>“Yeah, you’re right though. I just want him to know that I wanted to go with him, because I’m a little sad that we’re not going like <em>together</em>, that Evan suggested we all go as group,” Zoe confesses to her, figuring since her mom knew anyways, might as well tell her what had been bothering her. Maybe she’d have some good advice or something.  </p>
<p>“Oh baby, I wouldn’t read too much into that. I think Evan was probably too nervous to ask you and still wanted a way to go with you. And there’s ways to show him that through the night,” Cynthia tells her like she knew something Zoe didn’t. Why did that keep happening to her? How come everybody else knew things she didn’t? </p>
<p>“Well how?” Zoe asks her, curious to know what her mom was hiding from her. </p>
<p>“It just so happens that I’m in charge of Evan’s formal wear, so we can pick something to match your dress and we can pick out a boutonniere for him too. Everything will be like you’re on a date, without the pressure for him. It’ll be special, you’ll see Zo,” Cynthia tells her and Zoe really does believe her. The formal was going to be the turning point for her and Evan’s relationship, she just knew it. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I think so too. But why are you in charge of Evan’s clothes?” Zoe asks her, realizing the full extent of what her mom had said. Why would her mom be getting Evan’s clothes? Connor she could see because his apathy towards the dance was clear, but Zoe didn’t know about Evan. </p>
<p>“Well last night he came to me and asked me what he was supposed to wear, if a button-up shirt would be enough. He told me his mom wouldn’t really have time to help him, if I could help him instead. And of course I told him yes, Evan is the absolute sweetest boy, it’s easy to see why you like him so much,” Cynthia tells her, teasing her some more at the end just because it was making Zoe blush more. </p>
<p>“Moooom,” Zoe whines, but she wasn’t really all that embarrassed, it was easy to see why she liked Evan. Evan was wonderful and sweet and cute and funny and gentle and everything anyone could ever want. But Zoe was also grateful that her mom was helping Evan, so she adds, “But thanks for helping him, I know he appreciates it and it’s just really nice.” </p>
<p>Zoe hated that Evan’s mom was gone a lot of time because she knew he missed her and wished they could do more things together. But she’s glad her own mom could step in and help him, that she was glad to. She’s also really glad that Evan asked for the help because she knew it must have been hard for him to go to someone who wasn’t her, knowing they might pity him. But she knew her mom didn’t, she just really loved Evan.</p>
<p>And now at least she didn’t have to think too much into how to convince him to match her secretly, her mom had efficiently taken care of that and now she was even more excited, getting to imagine what Evan would look like in the formal clothes she helped pick out for him. It made her tummy flutter and she just couldn’t wait for the formal. </p>
<p>“Yeah and I think I’ll pick out some things for Connor too, but he doesn’t seem as excited,” Cynthia says, letting Zoe know that it wasn’t just her who thought Connor was being weird about the dance, slightly weirder than normal in general. </p>
<p>No, he’s not and I don’t know why. Like I’m worried that Alana won’t have fun because of it, and he invited Jared along too, who we’re not even friends with for some unknown reason. I just don’t know why he’s being like this,” Zoe tells her mom, letting some of her exasperation with her brother show. She wanted things to be perfect and Connor was a part of that. </p>
<p>“That one I don’t have an answer for Zoe-bug. Connor is very sensitive, and you know he has a hard time figuring out his feelings. Maybe he’s nervous too and doesn’t know how to process it. Dr. Darren told me he was doing well in his sessions, that you were too, so it’s probably just nerves, like Evan just different,” Cynthia says, using Zoe’s nickname from when she’d been little, probably because she thought it’d help ease over the tension that might arise by bringing up Connor and therapy. </p>
<p>“Dr. Darren talks to you about us? I thought they weren’t allowed to do that,” Zoe says, not liking that bit of information in the slightest, letting it sour her mood almost instantly. She didn’t know the things she said in therapy were being repeated to her mom, she was not okay with that. </p>
<p>“Oh no, Zoe, not about anything you two talk about, I promise you. Just that you showed up to your appointment and that things were going well in their professional opinion. With what happened and everything over the summer, with Connor, with you, I need to know that both of you are okay. We need to know if Connor ever needs more help, that’s all,” Cynthia says softly, trying to reassure her that her conversations were indeed private, that her mom was just being protective and trying to make sure her kids were okay. And that wasn’t as bad as Zoe thought. </p>
<p>“Well, we are okay, I think we’re doing really good,” Zoe tells her mom, feeling better that her privacy wasn’t being invaded. And she really did think her and Connor were doing good. With each other, with their friends, with their parents, kind of with everything. She’d been really, really happy lately. </p>
<p>“I know and it makes me so happy. I love that the two of you are close again, like when you were babies,” Cynthia says and Zoe thinks she’s almost tearing up, so happy that her kids were getting along. And that makes Zoe a lot happier, that her mom cared so much. </p>
<p>“Yeah me too Mom,” Zoe says, leaning over to give her mom a side hug as they pulled up to Alana’s house. Once Cynthia parks the car, she leans over to fully hug Zoe and she lets her, squeezing her back just as tightly. Zoe was actually really happy her mom was her doing this with her, and she doesn’t know why she’d been so hesitant earlier. </p>
<p>When the break away from their hug they see Alana come rushing out of her house, waving to them excitedly. And seeing Alana so excited makes her perk up, reigniting her excitement to go dress shopping. They were going to have so much fun today, find the prettiest dresses, and now apparently pick out flowers and things for the boys too. And then next weekend was going to be even better. </p>
<p>“Hey there Alana,” Cynthia says, turning around a little bit to greet Alana as she climbed into the backseat at the same time Zoe says, “Hi, ‘Lana!”</p>
<p>“Hi Zoe, hi Mrs. Murphy! Thank you for letting me come with you today. I’m really excited about it,” Alana tells them and Zoe really doesn’t think she’d ever seen Alana more excited, not even when they made the plans. </p>
<p>“We’re glad to have you dear, you two are just going to be the belles of the ball. Now important decisions, do we want coffee now or later?” Cynthia says laughing a bit, clearly Alana’s excitement was infectious. </p>
<p>“Now,” Zoe giggles, seeing Alana nod her head along with Zoe’s. Yeah they needed the coffee first to keep their excitement up for the day both of them had been looking forward to all week.</p>
<p>“Good choice, energy for the long day ahead,” Cynthia says, heading to the closest coffee shop before going to the boutiques and dress shops. </p>
<p>And Cynthia had not been exaggerating about them having a long day ahead. They spend almost the whole day out and about, searching for all the things they and the boys would need for the formal. </p>
<p>Zoe finds a long ice blue gown with delicate white flowers and slightly darker blue “leaves” embroidered onto the tulle overlay. She was absolutely in love with the A-line shape and elegant sweetheart neckline and once she put it on, she just knew it was the one. It was somewhat what she hoped for, but also nothing like what she had expected to get. It was ethereal and she felt so beautiful in it and she knew Evan would think that too. She couldn’t wait to dance the whole night with Evan, having this gorgeous dress flow around them. </p>
<p>And they even find a white floral headband that Zoe was going to use in her hair, planning to mostly twist and curl it into an updo. The heels she ends up getting are the perfect shade of light blue and not too tall so she could walk and dance in them easily. Everything was coming together so perfectly. </p>
<p>After finding Zoe’s dress, picking things for Evan had been easy. Cynthia gets him a dark navy blazer and pants and a light icy blue tie to match Zoe’s dress. They even pick out dress shoes for Evan and fancy socks, not worried at all about the cost, knowing the only thing Evan had told Cynthia he had was a white button-down. </p>
<p>Zoe’s pretty sure she’s never loved her mom more than now, with her doing all of this for Evan with no questions asked, just so he could have a good time at the dance with her, so that he wouldn’t have to worry about it. Zoe knows Evan was going to be floored by their generosity, might even say he can’t take all of these things, but Zoe thinks that maybe hinting that they picked them out to specifically match her will convince him to take them. </p>
<p>And she knows they were going to look so cute together. </p>
<p>Trying to find Alana’s perfect dress was a little harder than Zoe’s but eventually they find it and neither Cynthia or Zoe have any qualms designating it as <em>the one</em>. </p>
<p>Alana’s dress was shorter than Zoe’s and the most beautiful shade of gold. It had a gold tulle overlay like Zoe’s but the whole top half was white with thick gold lace and scooped across her chest with straps that hung on her arms, leaving her shoulders exposed. It was truly stunning, and Alana looked incredible. </p>
<p>And they sneakily try to coordinate Connor’s outfit to Alana’s too, albeit much more subtly than they did with Evan’s, since Alana was still trying to figure out her feelings. But they get him a classic black suit (so he couldn’t argue), a black shirt, and a white tie with very understated specks of gold running through it. It would be quite the look on Connor’s tall frame and Zoe thought her brother was going to be very handsome next to Alana. </p>
<p>Lastly, they try to pick out boutonnieres that were simpler and matched each other’s, so that the boys would have the same one. They go with white roses and baby’s breath, surrounded by deep green leaves, with light blue and gold ribbons, to match both Zoe and Alana so the boys didn’t get too suspicious, that they would know they were going as a “group”. But because Zoe can’t help herself, she sneaks a couple pine boughs into Evan’s order, knowing that he’d love the special touch she'd added just for him.</p>
<p>This dance would be her and Evan’s night and she was looking forward to it more than anything. He would be stunned when he saw her, they’d have a great dinner, and then she’d spend the whole night in his arms. And at the very end of the night, she was going to tell him how she felt about him, that she wanted more from their relationship. </p>
<p>They were going to have the perfect fairytale day and nothing would ever be better.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you liked it and up next will be the actual dance, what we've been waiting for!! </p>
<p>And if you want to know, here's the link to Zoe's dress, https://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/p/marchesa-notte-sleeveless-embroidered-gown-w-draped-corset-bodice-prod156210099?ecid=BGCS__GooglePLA&amp;utm_source=google_shopping&amp;adpos=&amp;scid=scplpsku123730943&amp;sc_intid=sku123730943&amp;gclid=EAIaIQobChMIwK_mh_yy7gIVHCmzAB0YlAP0EAQYBSABEgL-YfD_BwE&amp;gclsrc=aw.ds </p>
<p>But Alana's was just from google images so I don't know if there's a link, so hopefully the description is enough! Just know it's short and gold and pretty and I imagined that all the actresses who've played Alana's would wear it :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Dancing Is A Dangerous Game Pt. I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan's worried about his clothes for the formal and Jared, Evan, and Connor pick out corsages.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi Everyone!!!!!! Okay so I know I promised the dance this chapter, but in my usual bullshit way, I wrote a whole chapter leading up to it instead. But....I do think it'll end up being important, adding more layers of emotion to what's coming up. And I was inspired by Chloe noting that Connor would not like the fact that Zoe and Evan's outfits matched and decided to expand on that. And then I threw in a completely unnecessarily cute scene of Zoe and Evan in there just for fun. So I hope you all forgive me and can wait another week for the whole formal. </p>
<p>Plus, an earlier-ish update! My aerial training schedule is moving around a bit, so I no longer have Tuesday nights completely free, but I think it'll still be my update day, just either a little later or earlier. If anything changes, I'll let you know :) </p>
<p>And thank you so much to everyone who is reading this story and enjoying some of the week-of inspiration to change chapters. I love hearing from you in any way, as kudos or comments or subscriptions, or even just reading every week!! I'm really having a lot of fun with these characters, so I hope you are too!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan didn’t know what to make of this week with everything that had happened, Connor confronting him, getting his cast off, Jared talking to him again, the dance, and most of all, him trying to make his feelings for Zoe just disappear. He was trying so hard to smother them, probably the hardest he’s ever tried at anything. </p>
<p>He didn’t make a fuss when Connor started taking Zoe’s spot next to him at lunch. He didn’t hold Zoe’s hand at all, even going so far as deliberately moving when he saw she was reaching for him. He didn’t even hug her this week, for anything. And it made him feel worse that Zoe knew something was up, that he was hurting her in some way. </p>
<p>And for all his efforts, it wasn’t even working. He still felt just as much as in love with Zoe Murphy as he did before this whole mess with Connor came about. And it didn’t help that Zoe was always doing cute things, always trying to cheer him up. She’d tap his feet playfully with her own, she’d smile her special half smile at him, she was always checking in with him, asking how he was doing with everything else, she’d tell him how excited she was for the formal, that she was glad he was coming too. She was supportive and wonderful and incredibly sweet and making things for Evan so much harder. </p>
<p>What the hell was he supposed to do about any of it? </p>
<p>If he told Zoe how he felt, then he’d inevitably hurt Connor. But if he didn’t, it was like he was leading her on, only to crush her heart later and hurt her too. And both scenarios would likely lead to Connor and Zoe hating each other again, with Evan responsible for it all. Evan was in an impossible situation, anything he chose would hurt the two people he was closest to. </p>
<p>He’d even considered confessing everything to his mom, to see what she had to say, even though it meant admitting that she’d been right every time she’d teased him for liking Zoe or assuming they were dating. But sometimes his mom had good advice about what to do, and he thought that maybe she could maybe help make his decision clearer. </p>
<p>And he tries to, at least. Him and his mom had been chatting Thursday night before her class and Evan had been telling her all about the dance, that they were going as a group, that Jared was coming too, that they were going to go to dinner and everything. He’d figured explaining the dance situation would help set the scene for what he was going to tell her about Zoe and Connor. </p>
<p>But they never get around to it. Heidi is way too excited about the formal, so proud of him for going to a big school dance with his friends. She’d even brought up getting Zoe a corsage, which would have been a perfect segue into his struggles of being in love with her, but he can’t bring himself to say it. All he does is hastily add if he got something for Zoe, he’d have to get something for Alana too, because of, um, friendship. </p>
<p>His mom seems like she understands and doesn’t think too much about his weird answers, simply telling him to talk to Connor about it and that the girls might really like it. He promises he will, knowing that Zoe really would probably love getting a corsage even under the loose term of “friendship”, but he leaves out how Connor would probably shoot the idea down, claiming the flowers were too romantic and that the dance was stupid anyways. But Evan could still try. </p>
<p>And then they had gotten to talking about what Evan would wear, which he stupidly hadn’t really thought about before. He didn’t have a lot of formal clothes, never really having the need for them. He had one white button down that mostly fit that they had gotten for his interview at Ellison last spring, and his suit from his bar mitzvah. His suit had been secondhand to begin with and most definitely no longer fit him. He didn’t even think he could wear the bowtie that was with it, that it was too small for his now almost five-year-older slightly larger frame. But maybe he could squeeze into the shoes he had for it at least? His feet would probably hurt afterwards, but at least he wouldn’t have to wear his sneakers. </p>
<p>Heidi had suggested that maybe they could go look for something, but Evan had seen right through it. He saw her mind buzzing through their budget, the stressed look on her face was one Evan knew well. He knew that she’d try and try to make this work for him, that she really did want him to go and have a good time, to do all of it, the fancy suit, the flowers for the girl he liked, the dinner, everything that Evan hadn’t considered or known about when Zoe and Alana had brought up the dance on Tuesday. He never thought about how expensive it would all be. </p>
<p>He knew they were struggling a lot right now, that they probably couldn’t even afford something secondhand, let alone new even if it were to be on sale. They weren’t close to paying off his initial ER visit bill or any of the appointments he’d after it, including the one from this week. And he’d seen an invoice from Dr. Sherman’s office in his mom’s stack of papers, so now him going to therapy was costing them too. </p>
<p>He couldn’t let his mom stress about this thing either. It was just a high school dance; he couldn’t ask his mom to go into more debt for it. And he probably had enough money left from over the summer to pay for dinner and the ticket into the dance. He could figure everything else out without dumping all of it onto his mom. </p>
<p>So he’d told her not to worry about it. He’d wear his white shirt and his nicest pair of khaki chinos and that maybe he could borrow a tie from Connor or even Larry. He’d done his best to convince her that everything would be fine. </p>
<p>He wasn’t able to tell if she fully believed him because after that she told him that maybe there was something of his dad’s left in the garage, forgotten about until now, if he wanted to look through it. And Evan had enough sense in him to not tell his mom he’d rather burn anything his dad owned or not even go to the dance if he had to wear something that his dad touched, just ignores it, and reiterated that he’d ask Connor for a tie, that he’d ask them tomorrow when he spent the night. </p>
<p>He promises her again that it would work, he may not be the fanciest student there, but he’d have fun no matter what he wore. He tells her not to worry about the flowers either, it would be nice, but they were just going as friends, not as dates so it didn’t really matter. Heidi had looked relieved by Evan’s response and it makes him feel terrible that he’d lied to her, about the clothes and the flowers. </p>
<p>He was sure he’d stick out horribly among everyone else, especially compared to Zoe, Alana, and Connor, who he knew were going to have beautiful new clothes. He’d draw a bunch of negative attention to them and they’d probably get embarrassed from being seen with him. Connor would be even madder, given that he was already mad about the dance. Zoe would claim that she wasn’t embarrassed, but he knew that she probably would be deep down. Alana probably wouldn’t say anything or tell him some facts about the fashion industry, telling him that he was doing a good thing by not contributing to it, which would make him feel worse. And the flower thing wasn’t as big of a deal, but the thought of picking something out to give to Zoe that she’d really like, like what he’d done for her birthday was making him excited. But he couldn’t even do that. The formal was going to be terrible and awful all because of him.  </p>
<p>But what else could he really do about it? </p>
<p>He couldn’t let his mom stress over it. He without a doubt was not going to wear anything of his dad’s even if there was a chance they had something and it fit. Maybe he’d have enough money leftover to try to find something like a jacket or tie from a thrift shop and he could go look for something himself afterschool one day, maybe tell Zoe and Connor that his mom was taking him to therapy or something. Or maybe he could ask Cynthia before he asked Connor for a tie? Maybe she could help him? </p>
<p>She was the mom to a teenage boy too, one who had grown a lot and probably had phased out of several different sets of formal clothes. Maybe Cynthia would know if they still had them and if they might fit Evan? Because Evan knew he’d really only be able to borrow a tie from Connor now, they were very different sizes. But maybe he could explain to her what he did have and maybe she could actually tell him if it was good enough? </p>
<p>And he really didn’t want to tell Zoe or Connor about this. They were both really good about not making him feel bad about money things, especially after their birthday trip, but this just felt different to Evan. For some reason he felt like he couldn’t tell them that finding something appropriate to wear was really stressing him out. It felt like such a stupid thing to be stressed about, but there he was, convincing himself that the whole night would be ruined if he had to wear his ugly plain khakis. So he wouldn’t tell Connor or Zoe about it, just quietly find Cynthia when he was at their house and talk to her about it. Hopefully, she would help. </p>
<p>And help she does. Evan sought Cynthia out Friday night by claiming to go to the bathroom during their movie and went to find her instead. He told her that his mom couldn’t really help him this week (he thought this white lie was probably a little better than saying he was stressing his mom out) and that he wasn’t sure if what he had would be enough compared to what Connor was going to wear. He confessed to her that he didn’t want to look bad and disappoint all his friends by having the wrong thing. He’d simply asked her if he could borrow a tie, maybe a jacket if they had it, that then he’d feel a lot more put together and all around feel better about the dance. </p>
<p>It was one of the harder things Evan had done, asking for help about something that seemed so stupid yet so important. And he’s actually just a little proud of himself for doing it, instead of suffering in silence, letting his friends suffer at the formal because of him. </p>
<p>Cynthia very sweetly told him not to worry a single second more about it, that she’d handle all of it. And Evan had actually felt so flushed with relief that he’d started to tear up a bit and hugged Cynthia for probably much longer than necessary. But she hadn’t let go of him until he did, like she knew that Evan needed that hug from her. He was incredibly grateful that she was going to help him, willing to sort through a bunch of old clothes of Connor’s and Larry’s to find him something more in line with what Connor had. Even if everything else in his life was a bit of a disaster, he didn’t have to worry about what to wear to the fall formal.</p>
<p>Evan had asked Cynthia for help Friday night, but he doesn’t get to see what she found for him until Monday, when she comes into Connor’s room afterschool when she normally brought them a snack but brings instead several fancy-looking shopping bags and a shoe box. </p>
<p>“Boys, I have exciting things for you. And you need to try them on, no exceptions,” Cynthia says excitedly, placing the bags on Connor’s bed and carefully taking out what was inside them, making two piles of clothes. </p>
<p>The one she was setting closer to Evan had what looked like a complete outfit and the other just some miscellaneous clothes and a very nice-looking white tie. She hands the smaller pile to Connor and turns to hand the larger pile to Evan, smiling at his shocked face, telling him, “These ones are for you Evan, I hope you like them.” </p>
<p>Cynthia had gotten him so much, all new, a jacket, pants, socks, a really pretty light blue tie, shoes, a belt, and he even sees a white shirt still in the bag, probably as a back up or something. She’d thought of everything and it was a little overwhelming but in the best way possible. </p>
<p>“I do, they’re um, they’re great, really so great. Thank you so much Mrs. Murphy,” Evan says, and he can’t help but hug her again, setting his stack of clothes down in order to do it with both his arms wrapped around her tightly. Cynthia hugs him back the same way she did on Friday, this time adding a nice little pat to his head, which reminds Evan of when Zoe touched his hair while hugging him. He’s extremely excited, but once again floored by her generosity. He truly hadn’t been expecting Cynthia to buy him anything, he’d really just hoped for a mostly fitted jacket and a nicer tie. But he was beginning to think that wasn’t really Cynthia Murphy’s style. </p>
<p>Evan let’s go of Cynthia faster this time as she says, “You’re welcome dear,” and rushes to the bathroom down the hall to change into his new fancy clothes, leaving so quickly that he doesn’t even notice Connor grumbling in the corner, pay little to no interest in his own clothes. </p>
<p>He doesn’t waste any time changing into the clothes, opting to keep his tee shirt on because he didn’t have his other shirt with him, and he thought it’d be weird otherwise. And he can’t believe that everything fit so well. It was like Cynthia had his exact measurements or something. Or maybe that was because these clothes were nicer than anything he’d ever owned before. Because he always felt like something was off in the clothes he did wear every day, that they could fit a lot better, but those little things probably came with a higher price tag. But he didn’t need to think about that, he could just enjoy these clothes for now. </p>
<p>Evan takes a small moment to look at himself in the mirror (something he rarely did) before going back and he thinks he did look really nice. He really liked the dark blue of his suit with the light blue of the tie (he was just holding it up to see) and even though he’s a little bit embarrassed to think it, he thinks the blue looks good on <em>him</em>. He knew it was his favorite color, but he thought it complimented his lighter hair and hazel eyes and his still somehow tanned skin from the summer. He felt really good and that didn’t happen often when it came to things like clothes or his own body image. </p>
<p>He kind of thinks Cynthia Murphy might be a miracle worker somehow. But he doesn’t want to take too long and have her think something was wrong, so Evan hustles back to Connor’s room to show her. </p>
<p>“Oh Evan, you look dashing, so handsome,” Cynthia says coming closer to him once he’s in the room, happily fretting over him, making tiny adjustments like evening out his jacket and dusting off invisible specks from his shoulders. Evan doesn’t mind at all, for once relishing in the positive attention. </p>
<p>“Thank you so much, I really love everything,” Evan says, deciding to let himself have this one thing. It was probably too much to accept from Cynthia, but she was offering it all and it made him feel happy again, made him actually look forward to going to the formal again. He was really excited for Zoe to see him all dressed up too. He bets she’d think he looked really handsome too, and then they’d dance, and it’d be special and perfect. </p>
<p>No, what was he doing? He couldn’t fantasize about stuff like that anymore. He could be excited to dress up in fancy clothes but that was it. His happiness couldn’t have anything to do with Zoe. But he could be excited for them as a whole. That he was going to get to dress up in completely new things and so were his friends and they’d all get to hang out the whole night and hopefully have a lot of fun. <em>That</em> was something he could fantasize about. </p>
<p>“I’m so happy Evan, I’m glad you like it,” Cynthia says, smiling brightly at him once more, somewhat ignoring Connor and the things Evan was sure he’d been forced to try on. But Cynthia could talk to him later too, Evan would have to go home eventually. </p>
<p>“I’ll go change again. I don’t want to mess anything up before the dance,” Evan tells her, scurrying off again to change back into his regular clothes, truly not wanting to ruin them somehow by staying in them too long. </p>
<p>Evan carefully folds his things again, the same way they’d came and brings them back to Cynthia, but he doesn’t know what they were going to do with them. Should he take them home only to bring them back here in a few days? Did he really want his mom to see these before the dance, knowing she’d say something (he really couldn’t pass them off as Connor’s they were clearly new)? No, probably not. </p>
<p>“Why don’t we just hang these up in Connor’s closet? Connor is that okay?” Cynthia asks Connor, answering Evan’s question, but Evan was pretty sure she was going to do what she wanted regardless of what he said. </p>
<p>“Yeah, whatever,” Connor grumbles, hanging up his own stuff as Cynthia showed Evan how to hang up his, placing them carefully in the back of Connor’s closet, even adding the other white shirt, as a backup. They would be here waiting for Evan when him and Connor “got ready” together Saturday. </p>
<p>Cynthia leaves, giving Evan one last little hug and ruffling Connor’s hair even though he was clearly protesting it, and Evan finally looks over to Connor who had been really quiet during this whole outfit trying on time. </p>
<p>“Hey Con, are you okay? Did the things your mom got you not fit?” Evan asks, thinking it was probably that, knowing that Connor sometimes had trouble finding things that fit right because he was both tall and fairly skinny. </p>
<p>“No, they’re fine,” Connor mutters back, starting to pace like he was mad about something, which makes Evan even more confused. What would he be mad about if it weren’t the clothes? Was he really that annoyed by the dance as a whole?  </p>
<p>“Okay, what’s wrong then?” Evan asks him, genuinely wanting to help his friend. Evan really didn’t want Connor to be this upset and if he could help, he would. </p>
<p>“Did you know that your suit matches Zoe’s dress?” Connor says, his tone clearly indicating that he thought Evan did. </p>
<p>But he didn’t. He didn’t know what Zoe’s dress looked like at all. How did Connor even know? The girls had been adamant about them not seeing their dresses and Evan figured that was a big deal, so he left it at that. He was looking forward to seeing both of them on Saturday, surprising him and Connor they way they wanted to. </p>
<p>“No, how would I know that?” Evan asks, starting to feel a little defensive. Was this going to turn into another fight that would send Evan spiraling into another anxiety attack? No, he wasn’t going to let that happen. Maybe Connor had some ground last time, but this time Evan hadn’t done anything. </p>
<p>“I don’t know, maybe you asked my mom to match her,” Connor accuses him, and Evan has no idea why. Like what was Connor talking about? Evan had asked to borrow a tie, maybe a jacket, he never once thought Cynthia would buy him something, let alone something that matched Zoe’s dress. </p>
<p>“Connor, what? No, I didn’t do that,” Evan defends himself, not really sure how he felt about Connor accusing him of doing something behind his back. </p>
<p>“Well, I think it’s really suspicious that Zoe’s dress is light blue and your whole look is blue, like you guys were going on a date together. You told me nothing was going on between you two,” Connor says, raising his voice at Evan, which Evan did not appreciate at all. He’d been so happy just a few minutes ago, now this. Why couldn’t he just have one thing? </p>
<p>“Because nothing is!” Evan yells back. He’d been trying so hard this to make sure nothing did happen, probably at the expense of Zoe’s feelings, for Connor. And now it didn’t really seem worth it if Connor was continually going to come after him like this. Especially when it wasn’t even called for. </p>
<p>“Then explain the suit thing. Why do they match?” Connor asks again, as if Evan’s answer would change from the first time he’d said that he didn’t know what Zoe’s dress looked like. </p>
<p>“I don’t know if they match or not. I don’t know what Zoe’s dress looks like or Alana’s or even what Jared is wearing,” Evan tells him desperately. He just wanted Connor to understand and leave him alone about this. He hadn’t done anything wrong; he didn’t deserve this. </p>
<p>“Then why would my mom get it for you the day that Alana and Zoe got their dresses, if they weren’t supposed to match?” Connor says and Evan thinks he’s being really paranoid. But he’d never say that to Connor, knowing that being called paranoid was something Connor was really sensitive about. And even if Evan was mad at Connor right now, he’d never intentionally hurt his friend. </p>
<p>“Can you just leave me alone for a second about all this? I didn’t do anything wrong and you keep accusing me of stuff I didn’t do Connor,” Evan says, considering if he should just leave and walk home if Connor was going to be this upset. </p>
<p>“Then just tell me what you did do. Why did my mom get clothes for you?” Connor asks, his voice coming down just a little bit. But Evan didn’t really want to tell Connor why he had to ask Cynthia for help, it was something he was trying to avoid. </p>
<p>“Yeah I asked her for help Friday night and if I could borrow a tie from your dad to wear to the dance,” Evan says hoping that Connor would just take that as an answer like Zoe would have if she were here. It wasn’t really fair to compare them, but it was hard when Evan was trying to not get mad, trying to not cry, and trying to not have another panic attack all at the same time.</p>
<p>“Why? To match Zoe?” Connor accuses him once more, continuing his pacing, moving past his bed to all around his room. And Evan doesn’t know how much more of this he could take. </p>
<p>“No, just because,” Evan answers vaguely. He really didn’t want to tell Connor why he needed the help. </p>
<p>“Because why?” Connor pushes again, trying to demand answers from Evan. And Evan was getting just as frustrated as Connor was. Why wouldn’t Connor just believe him? </p>
<p>“Because I couldn’t afford to buy anything Connor! Is that really what you want to hear?” Evan yells back, tiny tears of frustration starting to fall. He didn’t want it to come to this, but since Connor wasn’t saying anything, Evan figures he should just keep going, tell Connor everything he apparently wanted to hear. </p>
<p>“That my mom and I are so overwhelmed with hospital and doctor’s bills and now therapy too, that we couldn’t get anything new or even secondhand. I don’t have any of this stuff already and it’s not like I have a dad I could borrow from either. I don’t know why your mom picked out blue stuff, until you said something, I thought maybe she knew it was my favorite color or something, that’s all. But if you’re so upset about it all, I’ll go tell your mom to take it all back and I won’t go. You can go with Jared since you wanted me to invite him. I hope you guys have fun,” Evan says, turning so Connor couldn’t see him wiping his face, grabbing his bag, and walking out of Connor’s room. He couldn’t believe this was happening, that Connor was condemning him for things he didn’t do, forcing him to tell him everything that he was embarrassed by and that he just told Connor he wasn’t going to go. </p>
<p>Why couldn’t Connor just trust him? Evan trusted Connor and cared about his feelings, so why didn’t Connor do the same back? And he knew this was going to start a fight when Zoe found out what happened, that she was going to be mad at Connor and then Connor would continue to be mad at both of them. Connor was probably mad already that Evan had yelled at him and stormed out, maybe he thought he was lying or something still, Evan didn’t know. But Evan was mad and upset and mortified and a whole other slew of emotions he couldn’t really sort through right now.  </p>
<p>Probably no one was going to go to the formal now if Evan wasn’t going, and like he’d predicted when he didn’t know what to do about his clothes, he’d ruined everything. Like he always did.</p>
<p>Maybe he deserved it. Maybe this was what he got for wanting more than what his own family had, for wanting what Zoe and Connor were just given. And not that it was their fault, it was Evan’s for trying too hard. He should have declined the things Cynthia had bought him and he honestly never should have gone to her in the first place. Why was he even trying to go to the dance? Formals weren’t places for people like him. He’d only really considered it when he thought he could ask Zoe for real, but it’s not like that would ever happen now or would have when he first thought it too. </p>
<p>Evan gets almost all the way down the stairs before Connor catches up to him, grabbing his arm and telling him, “No, Evan don’t go. Please, I’m sorry and I didn’t know. I should have listened to you.” </p>
<p>Evan stops, but doesn’t say anything yet, just continues to wipe away tears that wouldn’t stop coming and nods. Connor really should have listened to him when he said he didn’t know anything. He hadn’t and it felt really shitty for Connor to have accused him like that, to make him feel like he didn’t belong. He always felt like that and he didn’t need one of his best friends adding to that. </p>
<p>“You could have told me, and we could have gone shopping together, I could have paid for it,” Connor says softly, and Evan knows he’s trying to be apologetic and he appreciates the sincerity, but it’s not really what Evan had wanted to hear. He already knew he could have done that, it’s exactly what he’d been trying to avoid.</p>
<p>“I know you would have, which is why I didn’t say anything to you or Zoe and why I just wanted to borrow something for one night. I really do appreciate when you guys pay for things, but you don’t really understand how embarrassing it is for me to have to let you. It was hard enough going to your mom as a last resort, hoping that she might know if you still had anything you might have grown out of, that I really had no other option if I wanted to be even close to what you, Alana, and Zoe and honestly probably even Jared would be wearing. I never thought she was going to buy me something. And I know it’s stupid to think about, that it shouldn’t matter what I’m wearing, but it does,” Evan admits to Connor even though he knows Connor probably wouldn’t understand. </p>
<p>They knew each other well and could relate to each other about so many things, but this wasn’t one of them. Connor had never and would never know what it was like to be poor, to be barely scraping by. And not that Evan wanted that for him or anything, it was just something you couldn’t comprehend until you lived it. </p>
<p>But it makes Evan feel slightly better that Connor was trying to make up for being a complete jerk earlier, that he came after him and wanted him to stay. That was something at least.</p>
<p>“No you’re right and it is hard for me and Zoe to understand, but I’m really sorry I yelled at you Evan,” Connor tells him, gesturing for Evan to follow him back to his room. Evan’s not one hundred percent sure he wants to follow Connor, but he does it anyway because there’s a very small part of him that knows Connor truly is sorry. It was hard to remember when he was on the receiving end of Connor lashing out that it was Connor’s way of dealing with his own anxieties. Evan hid and cowered, and Connor yelled and blamed, but they were feeling the same way. Evan felt terrible and he was mostly sure Connor did too. So he wipes away the last remnants of his tears, hating the fact that he’d started crying at all, and takes a seat on Connor’s bed next to him. </p>
<p>“I’m not really good at figuring out what to say, except that I’m sorry I freaked out,” Connor says, trying really hard to look straight at Evan, but still flickering his eyes to the ground frequently, like he was ashamed of how he’d just acted towards his friend. </p>
<p>“No, I know you are. But maybe please could you stop accusing me and Zoe of stuff? I really don’t know why our outfits match apparently, but we haven’t done anything. You told me that you were uncomfortable when we held hands, so that’s stopped. I don’t know what else you want from me Connor, I’m not going to just stop being Zoe’s best friend if that’s what you want,” Evan tells him, even though not three minutes ago he’d been thinking about how he didn’t deserve them and how he’d personally ruined all of their friendships. But it was a little easier to think straight when Connor wasn’t yelling at him and he wasn’t crying. And he really didn’t want to give Zoe up and he wouldn’t. He’d already given up the chance to be with her as more than friends, so he really wasn’t going to give her up completely.</p>
<p>“No, I don’t want that, I just want us all to stay friends,” Connor says, fiddling around with his hands the same way Evan did when he was really nervous. </p>
<p>But Evan’s confused by what Connor means. They were already friends and he had to have noticed that Evan was trying to keep it that way too.</p>
<p>“But Connor, we, um, we’re already friends, best friends I thought,” Evan tells him, looking at Connor desperately, wondering if Connor might disagree with him. But Connor had told him before that they were, had he changed his mind somehow and then just never told Evan? Assumed Evan would figure it out and leave him alone? </p>
<p>“No, we are. You and Zoe and Alana are my best friends. And I’m sorry Evan, really, I am,” Connor says, and Evan can’t help but believe him. He doesn’t think Connor would lie to him about that. He hopes at least. </p>
<p>“It’s okay. But um, maybe when it comes to the dance, maybe don’t think about it too much about it. I know Zoe and Alana are excited and um, I was too. You don’t have to be, but um we want you to be. We want you to be there and have fun too,” Evan says meekly, knowing that he had really felt like that before today, but he really wasn’t as excited as he’d been previously. He still didn’t know if he should tell Cynthia to take his clothes back like he’d said to Connor or if Connor was over it now that he knew Evan hadn’t planned something behind his back. </p>
<p>Was it horrible that he wanted to keep them? That he wanted more of the few minutes that he had felt really good about <em>himself</em> wearing those beautiful clothes? That he still more than anything wanted to fit in completely with his group of friends, and for this one night in these fancy clothes, he might? </p>
<p>Yeah it probably was horrible. And selfish. But Evan already knew he was both of those things. </p>
<p>“Um, well my mom told me yesterday that Alana and Zoe picked out flowers for us, that they were really happy about it and she said that they might really like it if we did the same,” Connor says not really addressing what Evan had told him but bringing up something Evan had definitely thought Connor would hate and be against. </p>
<p>“Really? My mom mentioned getting them flower corsages too, but um, with everything else, they kind of fell to the bottom of the list,” Evan tells him, remembering how excited both he and Heidi had been until they realized that they wouldn’t be able to afford it. How excited he’d been to pick something out special for Zoe once again. </p>
<p>“Maybe tomorrow we could pick them out something? Take it as a peace offering. I will try to be more excited about the formal and I’ll back off of you and Zoe, which I’m sorry about too,” Connor says, shocking Evan a little more. It was nice to hear that Connor was specifically sorry about bringing him and Zoe up again. And it was nice that he was offering to get Zoe and Alana flowers, something Evan really did want to do. </p>
<p>“Yeah, um, that would be nice. I really do think Alana and Zoe would appreciate it. And it like doesn’t have to mean anything, it could just be a nice thing to do,” Evan tells him, trying to stress that getting them flowers didn’t have to be romantic, it could just be a really sweet gesture. </p>
<p>“Do you think we should invite Jared?” Connor asks, seemingly out of nowhere, and out of everything Connor’s said to him today, this was the weirdest. And Evan isn’t sure what he’s about to ask Connor is the right thing to do, but he really wanted to know. </p>
<p>“Connor, do you have something to tell me? Like about Jared? You keep wanting to invite him places and that’s like cool or whatever, but um, is there a particular reason?” Evan says, choosing his words carefully, hoping Connor would understand what he was insinuating. He had really thought that Connor and Alana were into each other, with cute little crushes, but maybe Evan had been completely wrong and misread everything. </p>
<p>Maybe Connor was into Jared. </p>
<p>And Evan doesn’t really see how he could be. And not because Jared was a guy or anything, Evan didn’t care about that at all, but more because Jared could be a lot to be around sometimes. He was crass and sarcastic and more than a little arrogant. Those weren’t things Evan liked in a partner, but maybe Connor did? And if that was the case, Evan would totally support him. </p>
<p>“Dude no,” Connor says, pushing Evan lightly, probably thinking he’d been joking and hastily adds, “I’m definitely not into Jared. I really did think it would be a nice gesture to invite him, as long as he’s being nice, because I do think he’s lonely. But I think it might be weird if he just shows up Saturday without hanging out with any of us before that.” </p>
<p>Actually, Connor did have a point. It probably would be strained and awkward if Alana and Zoe and Connor couldn’t get used to Jared before then. Evan had known him almost his whole life and had mostly gotten used to his personality but no one else had. It was probably for the best that they test the waters somehow before Saturday night. </p>
<p>“And um, I know Zoe isn’t thrilled he’s coming, so maybe if she knows he helped pick out flowers that would warm her up a bit?” Connor asks before Evan can even agree with his first statement. And Evan’s not too keen on Zoe warming up to Jared because he wanted her to be on his side in case Jared became too much. But he could see the benefits of Zoe not wasting her whole night glaring daggers at Jared just for being there.</p>
<p>“That does make some sense, but maybe you ask him then? In civics, or I guess we both could during trig if that’s better,” Evan says, figuring the invitation coming from Connor might make Jared take it more seriously. </p>
<p>“Yeah I can do that. And also, for what it’s worth, Zoe was really mad that I saw her dress, so maybe don’t mention that I told you it was blue. I don’t want her to be madder at me,” Connor confesses his voice getting really soft, like he really was worried he’d messed up big time with Zoe. Evan didn’t think so though, Zoe was probably just annoyed with him for ruining a surprise,  nothing more than that. </p>
<p>“Okay, I won’t. But um, I guess too, while we’re um, t-talking about it, you know we’re going to l-like dance at the d-dance right?” Evan asks, because it just occurred to him that if Connor was upset about the color of a tie, then he’d also probably be upset if Evan and Zoe danced together, even if it was in the most platonic friendly way possible. </p>
<p>“Yeah, obviously Evan,” Connor tells him, clearly not grasping what Evan was really asking him. </p>
<p>“I guess what I’m trying to ask is, are you going to be upset if Zoe wants to dance with me, like as friends? Because you know she loves to dance and she’s going to want all of us to dance with her,” Evan says, lumping them all in together because he knew Zoe would do that. And before everything became so complicated, he was looking forward to having one special dance with her, one that was just them and soft and slow and sweet. But Evan’s positive that won’t happen, but it was better if he could gauge Connor’s reaction beforehand in case it magically did happen. </p>
<p>“Oh, I um, no that’s fine because it’s what people do at dances,” Connor responds a little hesitantly, but it reassures Evan more because he didn’t want Connor to lash out at him on the night where they were all supposed to have fun. And a small part of him is kind of glad they got into a bit of a fight earlier, so that now they could talk about these small things before the actual dance. Get out anything that was worrying either of them (well Evan was worried about a lot more but that was kind of always true) before it got out of hand. </p>
<p>“Okay, good,” Evan says, still feeling a little off, but mostly better about everything. Maybe he could ask Zoe about some of the things that didn’t directly have to do with her? She always listened to him and usually had good things to say or advice to give. </p>
<p>Maybe the formal would turn out okay after all. Hell, he’d just pretty much got Connor’s blessing to dance with Zoe, so he couldn’t really get mad about it. Maybe they really would end up with one sweet moment together. </p>
<p>And Evan knows indulging in it would only crush his heart more, but maybe it would be worth it. </p>
<p>But at least him and Connor seemed done talking about the dance for now and they couldn’t have timed it better, because almost exactly after Evan says “good”, Zoe comes bounding through Connor’s mostly open door in search of them. </p>
<p>She flops right between them on Connor’s bed and immediately starts telling them about band, happily chattering away. And without really trying to, Zoe’s presence assuages most of Evan’s fears and he manages to relax, enjoying her cheerful energy for the rest of the afternoon. </p>
<p>Maybe everything would work out just fine. Maybe he could just let himself have this. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>=</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next day Zoe picks Evan up like she normally did on Tuesdays and Evan was finding it was one of the few times all day he felt okay. Last week he’d been really hesitant to be alone with Zoe, but now that his mind was wrapping around the idea of only being her best friend, he feels like he can go back to some of things they did before, like when they started to hang out over the summer. </p>
<p>But him settling into their “new" statuses doesn’t take away the fact that Evan knew Zoe probably better than anyone and he could tell she was being shyer than normal and he’s not sure why. </p>
<p>“Hey Ev, did you like the clothes my mom got for you?” Zoe asks him, turning to look at him as they stopped at a stop sign. And he doesn’t really want to rehash his fight with Connor yesterday about the clothes, which neither of them had told her about. But after thinking about it a lot last night on his own, he’d decided to keep the clothes, even if it would make him and Zoe look like they were together on a date. He figured Cynthia would be really sad if he asked her to return them after asking for help, and he still deep down just really wanted one night to feel fancy and put together and like the way he looked. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I do. They’re really nice, I like them a lot,” Evan tells her, knowing it was the truth and even if he didn’t tell her about yesterday, he didn’t need to lie or downplay the fact that he did indeed really like everything, even the socks. </p>
<p>“Good,” Zoe beams at him, looking away from him to continue to drive along, adding, “You know I helped pick them out. I thought you would like the blue.” </p>
<p>“I do, really Zo. Thank you for helping your mom, for helping me,” Evan tells her, knowing he was starting to blush without meaning too. That was one habit he couldn’t quite kick around her, she was always making him blush just by being her sweet self. </p>
<p>“Of course. It was fun and I’m pretty sure it’ll make when you see my dress even better,” Zoe says flirtily, and Evan can see the tinge to her cheeks appearing same as him. And now he knows that it was Zoe who made sure their outfits matched. She’d done it intentionally and was just waiting to surprise him. </p>
<p>He doesn’t know if the swirling feeling in his stomach was dread or love, but it doesn’t stop him from smiling at her. He shouldn’t but he can’t really control himself.</p>
<p>“Well, um, we’re picking out flowers for you guys today,” Evan tells, switching topics, but really wanting to let her know that her dress reveal wasn’t the only surprise for Saturday, that they were planning something for her and Alana too. </p>
<p>“You are?” Zoe asks, clearly surprised by that. She probably thought like Evan did, that Connor would have claimed they didn’t need to do that. </p>
<p>“Yeah. Your mom said that you and Alana picked them out for us, and we wanted to do that for you,” Evan tells her softly even though that was the truth and there really wasn’t anything but nice-ness fueling him and Connor to do it. </p>
<p>“And Connor’s on board with this?” Zoe asks, still baffled that Evan had told her that him <em>and Connor</em> were doing this. She probably would have readily believed that Evan was doing it on his own, probably guessing that about him, knowing she’d like it. </p>
<p>“Yeah, it was his idea. He told me yesterday that he was sorry that he wasn’t as supportive or excited about the dance as us and wanted to make up for that,” Evan says, leaving out the part that Connor was also trying to make up for yelling at him and accusing him of making plans with Zoe behind his back. Zoe probably didn’t need to know that. </p>
<p>“That’s awesome! I was getting worried that I’d have to talk to him about his grumpy attitude. But now I don’t have to. So, what are you getting for us?” Zoe asks, pulling into the junior parking lot at their school. </p>
<p>And Evan doesn’t really know what they were going to pick out for her yet, but even if he did, he wasn’t going to tell her and ruin the surprise for her, so he tells her cheekily, “I can’t tell you it’s a secret.” </p>
<p>“Evan please,” Zoe whines playfully, turning to pout at him as she parked. And he kind of wishes he did know what he wanted to get so he could tease her with little hints, but he doesn’t so he denies her again, laughing and telling her, “No but I promise you’ll like it.”     </p>
<p>Because he did feel fairly confident that he could pick out flowers that she liked. They’d had a whole conversation about flowers one time, and he’d tried to remember everything single thing she’d said about them. Her favorites, her dislikes, the colors, everything. </p>
<p>Zoe was starting to look really mischievous and Evan knows she was up to something, but he doesn’t realize what until she launches herself at him, tickling his sides, laughing playfully. </p>
<p>And he can’t help the way he just starts laughing full belly laughs, both from Zoe’s antics and from the tickles. He’d really missed being like this with her the last week, trying to figure out and stressing over everything with Connor. He feels light and happy and he doesn’t want it to stop. So he doesn’t let it and just laughs along with her, saying, “Oh my god, Zoe.” </p>
<p>“I’ll stop if you tell me what you’re picking out,” Zoe tries to barter and Evan knows he shouldn’t let this tickle fight continue, but he doesn’t want it to stop, so he rejects her offer telling her instead, “No way Zo, it’s going to be a surprise.” </p>
<p>And he knows if he really asked her to stop, she would. So how awful was he that he wasn’t doing that? Probably extremely, but he’d guilt himself over it later, because right now he had the urge to tickle her back, so he does, laughing even more as Zoe started to squeal cutely and laugh even louder. There wasn’t really anything that romantic to laughing, so Evan was actually fine, right?  </p>
<p>They keep tickling each other until they both give up naturally, completely out of breath, with Zoe laying her head on Evan’s shoulder, looking up at him like she was just as happy as him. And she just looked so pretty and she made him feel so good, and what if he just kissed her again? </p>
<p>No, Jesus Christ, what was actually wrong with him? One car ride of not being hyper aware of trying to be “friendly” only and he was back to wanting to kiss her? He’d promised Connor that nothing was going on and he knows Connor would definitely be upset at the way Zoe was cuddled up against one another right now. He had to do something about it.</p>
<p>“Um, maybe we should go meet everyone else,” Evan tells her a little shakily, taking a few deep breaths so he didn’t start to freak out. He didn’t want Zoe to be upset or think that she freaked him out in any way. </p>
<p>Zoe moves her head from his shoulder and just looks at him for a moment, like she could tell that he’d suddenly gotten nervous, but she just smiles at him and nods, agreeing to go meet their friends. </p>
<p>When they’re out of Zoe’s car and heading toward the courtyard, instead of grabbing his hand and intertwining them like Zoe might have done a few weeks ago, she just loops her arm through his and doesn’t say anything further. </p>
<p>And Evan starts to panic internally, trying to not show her that he was panicking. What would Connor think when they showed up like this? What would Zoe think if he tried to pull away? </p>
<p>Evan needed to think logically about the situation. Was what they were doing considered couple-y? Maybe, but not always. Zoe had looped her arm through Connor and Alana’s before, Evan had seen her do it. So maybe it would be okay. There weren’t <em>holding hands</em> which was what Connor said he wasn’t okay with. This was totally different.</p>
<p>Evan reassures himself that he wasn’t doing anything horrible and lets himself calm down a little. If anything, maybe this would be a good test to see if Connor was lying to him yesterday. If he got mad, then he didn’t really care about backing off, but if Connor acted normal, then Evan would know that yesterday was the last time Connor would act like that. Yes, this was a good thing, Evan needed to know. </p>
<p>And if Connor really did start leaving him alone about little things him and Zoe did, then Evan could go back to not worrying about it so much. He could resume doing the things he did think were friendly and quit thinking about if Connor was watching them or not. Doing the things he’d been afraid of doing all last week. </p>
<p>It would make Zoe feel better at least, because he could tell that she was happy that he didn’t pull away from her, that he’d been playing with her earlier. And he wants Zoe to be happy. </p>
<p>In an ideal world they’d both be happy, but he’d settle for just Zoe being happy. And right now, it seemed like she was. She was clearly excited about the dance, about their coordinated outfits, about a lot. He didn’t want to ruin that. </p>
<p>Evan had no idea what in the hell he would do about his own happiness, but he’d deal with that later. </p>
<p>Luckily, when they get to the tree and find Connor and Alana waiting for them, Connor doesn’t say anything about their looped arms. He doesn’t even crinkle his face up in annoyance, he just goes with it and it makes Evan feel so relieved. Connor was keeping his promise to back off of him and Zoe and their way of displaying friendship. But that meant that Evan really did need to stick to his promise too, that nothing was going on between him and Zoe. </p>
<p>Which, based off their interactions this morning, wasn’t getting any easier. But Evan would keep trying because he still thought it was for the best. If they did do anything and then Connor found out, then he wouldn’t want to be friends anymore and then Zoe would have to side with Connor and then he’d lose her too. </p>
<p>He didn’t want either of those things to happen. Both of them in some capacity was better than neither of them. Evan needed to remember that. </p>
<p>And true to his word yesterday, Connor does handle asking Jared if he wanted to come with them flower shopping after school and Jared tries to play it off as super casual, but Evan could tell he was excited about hanging out with them. </p>
<p>When they talk about it a little during Evan’s free period, Jared seems more excited than Evan which was a little weird, but Evan thinks it has less to do with Zoe, Alana, and the flowers (the reasons he was excited) and more to do with being included. And he could understand that. </p>
<p>Evan can even tell that Jared’s trying to refrain from teasing him more about Zoe than just some silly comments about them swooning, because he knows he’s still on a probation of sorts. He’d be quickly uninvited if he crossed a line, Evan had made that clear when he’d invited him last week. But it was nice to see Jared seem genuinely excited about something, so Evan just goes with it.</p>
<p>Evan hadn’t seen Jared be sincere about anything since they’d started middle school, so he was just going to go with it. Enjoy the fact that Jared wasn't being mean to him or Connor or saying anything weird about Zoe or Alana. </p>
<p>Afterschool they all meet by Connor’s car after Evan and Connor see Zoe off to band and Alana off to debate club. And Evan can definitely say it was a little weird that Jared was in the spot he was so used to seeing Zoe occupy, popping his head through the gap between the front seats chattering on to both of them. </p>
<p>Connor takes them to the same florist that Cynthia had taken Zoe and Alana to on Saturday and Evan finds that the drive isn’t terrible, they’re all able to hold a nice conversation and it’s not particularly awkward, nothing like the first day of school had been.</p>
<p>But maybe that was because they keep to safe topics, mostly school and classes. It was quite easy to commiserate together about their math class, talk about chemistry, and other random things about classes that came up. But even if they were playing it safe, Evan finds when he relaxes a little, he actually has a good time. Maybe Jared really was learning from his past mistakes and really trying to make up for them. It makes it easier for Evan to remember that once upon a time him and Jared had been really good friends. They might have been eight, but they had been friends.</p>
<p>And Evan maintains his high hopes for the afternoon all the way up until they’re at the florist’s and looking through the sample catalog, and Jared says, “This is kind of boring. Can we just get them like red roses and call it a day? Don’t chicks like love that shit?” </p>
<p>Evan is incredibly offended by that and he looks to Connor, hoping that Connor would also be upset by Jared, but Connor looks like he might agree, like he was completely overwhelmed with options and didn’t know what to get the girls. </p>
<p>But probably for the first time ever, Evan wasn’t overwhelmed by the options, he was having a lot of fun looking through all the different styles, all the different types of flowers, the colors, everything. </p>
<p>And Evan hates that Jared just called Alana and Zoe “chicks”. Evan thought that was disrespectful to call them that, even if they weren’t his best friends. Any person who was maybe going to the dance with them deserved to have something nice with a lot of thought put in. It was even more important because they <em>were</em> their best friends and Evan knew they’d probably put a lot of effort into picking out their flowers. </p>
<p>Well, his and Connor’s, because he was pretty sure that they hadn’t gotten Jared one. Which as of right now, Evan found fitting and he was happy Jared wouldn’t get one. </p>
<p>“Don’t call them chicks and we’re not getting them roses. Zoe hates roses, especially red ones,” Evan says, glaring at Jared briefly before returning to the catalog. He was going to find the perfect corsage, even if Jared and Connor were bored out of their mind. </p>
<p>“Well someone’s feisty. How’d you find out that bit of information? Tried to give Zoe flowers before and she hated it?” Jared asks, thinking he’d take a cheap jab at Evan because he knew Evan had a crush on Zoe before they became friends. He still had that crush, but he wasn’t going to put up with Jared being rude about it, especially in front of Connor. </p>
<p>“No, I know because I treat Zoe like a real person and listen to her when she talks. You should try it sometime Jared,” Evan says icily, not even bothering to see if Connor was suspicious of him after Jared had said Evan tried to give Zoe flowers. He didn’t really care because he knew he hadn’t done anything wrong or creepy towards Zoe. Or Alana. All he did was listen to them and that was a basic pillar of friendship in Evan’s opinion. </p>
<p>And even if sitting and doing homework had been fine or driving here had been fine, Evan was close to telling Jared he couldn’t come with them anymore. His first strike was what he’d called Zoe and Alana and his second was implying that he had some stalker-y crush on Zoe in front of Connor. One more thing and Evan would easily tell him off. </p>
<p>Actually, probably not easily, but he’d do it. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m pretty sure Alana wouldn’t want red either,” Connor finally chimes in and thankfully he was on Evan’s side. </p>
<p>“Well if you guys already know what they might want, why are we looking through this book?” Jared says still slightly indignantly, but he did seem like he’d been appropriately reprimanded, like he wouldn’t say anything else like that. </p>
<p>“To make it easier on the florist. And I think I found one anyway,” Evan says flipping to a sample that he’d seen earlier that had just stuck with him. There had been other ones he’d liked, but he kept thinking about this one, comparing all the other ones to it. And he thinks Zoe would really, really love it, which made it kind of perfect.  </p>
<p>It was just one white peony with greenery and baby’s breath behind it, attached to a shimmery white elastic ribbon, simple yet beautiful. And Evan noticed there was an option to choose blue baby’s breath which he wanted to do for Zoe, utilizing the fact he did know her dress color to his favor. For Alana he thought he’d probably just do white, since he didn’t actually know her dress color and he figured white would go with anything. And then their flowers would mostly match, taking away from the fact that Evan had mostly chosen it for Zoe. It would be perfect. </p>
<p>Connor looks at the picture and easily agrees with Evan, saying, “Yeah Zoe would like the one big flower instead of lots of little ones and I think Alana would like the simplicity.” </p>
<p>“Cool, so this one,” Jared says handing Evan the order forms to fill out since he was looking the most at the sample book and had a better idea of what to write. </p>
<p>Evan very carefully fills them out, taking special care to make sure Zoe’s would have that hint of blue and then gives them to Connor to give to the florist. Evan hears Connor talk with the florist a little asking if they could combine orders with what his mom had gotten on Saturday and if he needed to pay today or this coming Saturday. Connor seems to be handling it and Evan sees him pay and he looked like he was happily chatting with the florist. Good.</p>
<p>Evan makes no attempt to say anything to Jared while they’re alone, still feeling annoyed about what Jared had said before. And Jared seems to understand that Evan wasn’t in the mood to talk to him and doesn’t say anything either, so both of them just wait silently for Connor to return.</p>
<p>“So Jared, did you drive to school or do we need to take you home?” Connor asks politely upon returning to the table they’d been sitting at. And Evan thinks about saying something along the lines of “we could just leave him here” but he doesn’t when he notices how sad Jared actually looks. </p>
<p>“Oh, we’re done for the afternoon?” Jared asks, looking between both Connor and Evan, hoping that one of them might suggest something more for them to do. </p>
<p>“Well, Zoe’s going to be done with band soon and we promised her we’d be home,” Connor says sheepishly, knowing they’d already made plans and hadn’t really included Jared in them. </p>
<p>“No, it’s okay, I thought maybe we could just hang out a little longer, but it’s okay,” Jared says sadly, and Evan really doesn’t want to, but he does feel bad for Jared, even if he was still a little annoyed with him. </p>
<p>“Well um, we hang out by that tree in the courtyard before school, you could join us tomorrow if, um, if you want to Jared,” Evan offers, deciding to extend more kindness toward Jared even if it was a little risky.</p>
<p>Plus Evan really did think Connor had been right yesterday when he said it might be weird if Jared just showed up Saturday without hanging out with any of them. They had dipped their toes in today with just him and Connor, but they probably did need a trial run with the whole group. Evan wanted to make sure he didn’t do anything weird to Zoe before Saturday too. He knew Zoe could hold her own, but he didn’t want her to have to been defensive the whole night. </p>
<p>“Really?” Jared asks, his mood completely lifted by the invitation. </p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah,” Connor says, nodding along with Evan, because Evan thinks Connor knows that Jared being around Alana and Zoe beforehand would probably be a good thing. </p>
<p>“Cool, totally. And yeah, I drove so dropping me at the school would be great,” Jared tells them as they walk out back to Connor’s car. </p>
<p>Their conversation back to the school branches out to video games, which was another safe topic, but Evan finds it’s similar to before. Turns out when Jared wasn’t trying to tease him, he was actually pretty tolerable. Maybe having him along wouldn’t be that bad. </p>
<p>Maybe everything about the formal would be okay, maybe even really fun. A lot of things were really looking up. He was going to get to dance with Zoe (even though he’d try to keep it strictly friendly). He’d picked out a surprise for both his friends and he thought they’d really like it. Even with all the tribulations that came with it, Evan really liked his suit. Him and Connor were in a really good spot, understanding each other. </p>
<p>Now as soon as he figured out how to stop being in love with Zoe, everything would be perfect.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I really like Connor and Evan bonding and showing that even though they're close friends, everything is not perfect and both of them are working through a lot of stuff separately. And Zoe, I couldn't exclude her for a chapter, so we get a fun playful little moment between BandTrees. And I hope you guys are enjoying this Jared, who is trying but still isn't quite hitting  the mark with Evan. Maybe he will soon though...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Dancing Is A Dangerous Game Pt. II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The kids finally go to the fall formal.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!!!!! I'm sorry this is late, but I hope it's worth it!!!! It's a pretty cute chapter and definitely a long one. And because it's both long and late, there are probably going to be some typos/wording errors, so I'm sorry! Hopefully it's still readable and if there's any major mistakes, please let me know! </p>
<p>This story has been such a joy to write and develop and I honestly still never believe that it's getting such a positive response, but it is and that's all because you lovely readers!!!! Thank you so much, and as always I love hearing from you in any way you feel like reaching out!!! It's amazing, you all are amazing! I hope you enjoy the chapter!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zoe couldn’t believe that it was already Saturday, already the day of the fall formal. It seemed like it just came out of nowhere, especially in comparison to the last week she had, which dragged on forever. And she thinks this week probably had to do with Evan too. </p>
<p>He wasn’t quite back to his normal self, but she could tell he was getting there. He was returning her affection a little more easily, playing with her, smiling, laughing. He just seemed a littler happier than he had been the last two weeks, and it just made her really happy to see him happy.</p>
<p>She still wasn’t completely sure of what triggered his change and his slow change back to the Evan she loved, but the only thing she could really think of was Jared. It was the only change in her own timeline of events that stood out. Jared trying to befriend Evan once more. Jared had been hanging out with them a little bit this week, before school mostly, and he sat with Evan, Connor, and Alana at the football game yesterday. Evan said that it was so tonight wouldn’t be weird, that they could get used to him before he came with them to the formal. And that did make sense, but Zoe doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to Jared Kleinman. </p>
<p>She didn’t trust him in the slightest. </p>
<p>There was just something that she felt wasn’t quite right and she didn’t think he’d done enough for Evan to even talk to him, let alone forgive him. And as far as she knew, he hadn’t even apologized to Evan for being the actual worst friend ever, ditching him and being mean and telling him they weren’t friends and all the other stuff Evan had confessed to her and Connor. </p>
<p>But maybe she was just fiercely protective of Evan. Maybe Jared really was trying? She didn’t think so and would continue to be protective of Evan until she thought he was. She wasn’t going to let Jared ruin their night or ruin the fragile self-confidence Evan had been building since meeting her and her brother.  </p>
<p>She’d already come to his defense several times this week, even in her limited interactions with Jared. Zoe had snarkily shut him down anytime she thought he was about to say something stupid, which turned out was a lot of the time. </p>
<p>And Zoe had promised herself she’d stop if Evan asked her, but he hadn’t. She actually thought he kind of appreciated it, liked that someone was completely on his side no matter what. She always wanted to be that for Evan. </p>
<p>Because he was that for her. She trusted that without a doubt, Evan would help her with anything. Choose her every time. </p>
<p>But Zoe had found one benefit to Jared hanging out with them though, their seating/standing arrangement. When it was just the four of them they almost always sat two by two and even stood that way too. But with Jared, they couldn’t do that, which meant Zoe was able to steal her rightful spot next to Evan back from Connor. The fact that Connor had been sitting next to him lately had been annoying her immensely, but she hadn’t said anything about it.</p>
<p>She didn’t know why Connor had been doing it and she was trying to not look too deep into it or let anyone know she was annoyed by it. And she’d found other ways to flirt and comfort Evan from across the table, but she missed holding his hand and being close to him. </p>
<p>With Jared in the mix, Zoe found that she could slyly return to those little touches, her favorite being grabbing and hooking Evan’s pinky with her own. Subtle, cute, and she really hoped supportive. He never let go and sometimes when he was really stressed, he held onto her tighter, so she knew he was okay with it. </p>
<p>Maybe it was his favorite too? But maybe they would have a new favorite thing to do tonight after the dance? Something much better than holding pinkies. </p>
<p>The thought makes Zoe blush, giddy with excitement, even more than she’d been dress shopping and dropping little hints to Evan all week. Tonight was going to be their night and she just couldn’t wait. <br/>Alana would be here soon to start getting ready with her, but she wasn’t exactly sure when Evan was coming over, since him and Connor didn’t really have that much to do to get ready. Not anything like her and Alana.</p>
<p>Zoe and Alana had made plans to do their hair, make-up, and nails, but there was so much other stuff too. They were going to take getting ready pictures, gossip about the boys, drink the fancy sparkling non-alcoholic champagne her mom had got for them. It was probably going to take hours, but Zoe was looking forward to it. </p>
<p>And that was even with Zoe spending most of the morning getting ready too. She’d taken a long relaxing bubble bath in her mom’s big master tub, washed and blow-dried her hair, did a whole-body skin care treatment, spent the whole morning luxuriating. And it paid off. Her skin was soft, her hair was shiny, she felt relaxed. All things she was hoping Evan would notice. </p>
<p>Well, maybe not her skin. She didn’t think he’d be touching much of her skin besides her hand and like maybe for some reason her shoulder, they were definitely not at that point yet. And especially not since Alana was sleeping over tonight too and Connor would be there, that would just make both of them uncomfortable. And Zoe didn’t want that. </p>
<p>But she could imagine it. Her and Evan coming home and sneaking off to her room at the end of the night together, confessing their love for one another, spend the night exploring and experimenting with each other. Evan could slowly help her out of her dress, gently touching her back and she could undo the buttons on his shirt, one by one, tracing his skin as she went. And then they would…</p>
<p>No, she couldn’t think about that happening tonight. That was just a romantic fantasy, her hormones getting a little too excited about Evan. She knew nothing like that would happen tonight and she knew she definitely wasn’t ready for it, even if somehow the opportunity arose tonight. </p>
<p>But it didn’t stop her from thinking about it, indulging a little bit in the fantasy. Because she was sure it would happen at some point, with Evan, and she was excited about that. But realistically she only had a few hopes for tonight. </p>
<p>Dance with Evan to a slow song. </p>
<p>Tell Evan how she felt that she wanted to be more than best friends. </p>
<p>Kiss Evan. </p>
<p>Those seemed mostly doable and those made her just as excited as her little sexy fantasy. But she’d only kiss him if he was okay with it. She didn’t want to pressure him the way she felt like she’d been pressured, if he wasn’t ready to take that step with her. Physical stuff was a big deal, even just kissing, and she wasn’t going to let anyone convince her otherwise. </p>
<p>And she had a feeling it would be Evan’s first kiss too, and she wanted nothing more for them to have good memories of it together. </p>
<p>Zoe’s shaken from her thoughts of Evan by the loud knock at her door, so she gets up to open it and finds Alana standing there with several bags of things and her garment bag with her dress draped precariously across her forearms. Zoe rushes to help her and grabs some bags, telling her, “Eeek! Alana I’m so excited you’re here, but what is all this stuff?” </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Alana laughs, following Zoe in and setting her bags on Zoe’s bed, adding, “I wasn’t sure what to bring, so I brought it all.” </p>
<p>Zoe watches as Alana unpacks her bags and shows her everything she brought. There were eyeshadow palettes, blushes and highlighters, hair accessories, jewelry, hair products, nail polish, pretty much anything Zoe could think of that they might use in the next few hours. </p>
<p>“I used to be really into make-up tutorials on YouTube in middle school, but my parents said that wouldn’t get me into college, so I had to start other things instead,” Alana tells her a little sadly, like she had to give up something she really loved, as if it wasn’t possible to like make-up and still be incredibly academically driven. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry Alana that really sucks and I think you should pick it back up, you have all this stuff. And I bet you’re really good at it, you’re good at everything. I still have like no idea what to do besides basics,” Zoe tells her, hoping it makes Alana feel a little better. Getting ready was supposed to be fun. And Zoe really did want her help. </p>
<p>“I’ll try my best and actually I might. I’m almost done applying places, so hopefully I can drop some activities to make more time for the ones I like,” Alana tells Zoe her tone slightly uplifting, like she was happy to hear her friend was supporting her. </p>
<p>“On a different note, my mom got us these cute robes to wear while getting ready, like we’re at a spa,” Zoe giggles, handing Alana a small bag and twirling her own robe that she was already wearing. This morning she had thought it’d been a little much, but now it seemed fun to match her friend and be extra just because they could be. </p>
<p>“Ooh, that’s so fun,” Alana says, taking the bag from Zoe and starting to take off her leggings and sweatshirt, changing into her robe. Zoe doesn’t at all expect Alana to turn to her, wiggle her eyebrows teasingly, and say, “So did you end up picking what bra and panty set you wanted to wear? Could be important tonight.” </p>
<p>“Alannaaaa, oh my god. We’re not even officially together yet, Evan is not going to see my bra or panties, and especially not with you and Connor here tonight,” Zoe says, positive her face was as red as flowers on her robe. She’s embarrassed even though she’d been thinking that exact same thing before Alana had gotten there. But those thoughts were just for her now, she wasn’t ready to share them with anyone, not even Alana. </p>
<p>“Well I mean did you though?” Alana asks, still laughing a little, clearly enjoying the fact that Zoe was flustered. </p>
<p>Zoe dramatically flops backwards on her bed and chooses to answer Alana, telling her, “Yes, I did. But they’re just white, nothing fancy or anything.” </p>
<p>And then Zoe remembers she wasn’t the only one with a crush and she could tease Alana right back and sits up just as quickly as she’d collapsed down saying, “What about you? Have any expectations of anyone in particular seeing your panties?” </p>
<p>Now it was Alana who was blushing furiously and Zoe giggling as Alana tells her, “No, not even close. At least you know Evan likes you back. I’m hoping to ask Connor to dance tonight and I think even that might be a stretch.” </p>
<p>Zoe stops laughing when she realizes that Alana is actually a little stressed about the whole thing and she doesn’t want that, she wouldn’t have teased her about it if she’d known. Zoe takes both of Alana’s hands in what she hopes is a comforting way and tells her, “Don’t worry about it too much, just try to have fun and be with Connor like you normally would. It might be hard but try to not put any pressure on yourself to figure anything out. No matter what, tonight is about having fun.” </p>
<p>“No, you’re right Zoe. I just wish these things were easier, like they make it seem in books and movies. But the fun starts now, what should we do first?” Alana asks, and Zoe thinks she’s trying to distract herself a little bit, to take Zoe’s advice and attempt to have fun. And Zoe’s proud of her for that. She would do the same, keep her expectations realistic and remember that they were supposed to be having fun.</p>
<p>“Make-up?” Zoe asks, and Alana nods her head in excitement and follows Zoe to her vanity, where she’d put an extra chair this morning so they both could use the mirror. And Zoe’s glad her room was huge that they didn’t have to cram into a bathroom or take turns at the mirror. </p>
<p>They take their time going through different options, working together for the perfect looks. Zoe ends up choosing a sparkly nude color scheme, blending in a little copper and bronze for some depth (which Alana advises her to do), adding extra highlighter, and going super heavy on the mascara to really make her eyes pop. Zoe decides to not really do any face make-up, just a little powder and sparkle, not wanting to cover up any of her freckles because she knew Evan liked them (one time he’d told her they were pretty, and then hastily followed it with pretty cool, and then starting blushing). To complete her look, Zoe picks out a light pink mauve-y color lipstick, but decides to put it on last, not wanting it to fade before photos since her and Alana were still drinking. </p>
<p>For Alana, they decide on a darker smokey eye, complemented by a shimmery rose gold highlighter and light pink eyeshadow, then a matching rosy pink blush and a strong application of mascara, just like Zoe. It looked amazing and Alana was even wearing her contacts for the special occasion, which she almost never did because glasses were so much easier. But tonight was special and Alana wanted to look extra special, which Zoe totally understood. Alana waits for her lipstick too, but picks a deep wine-plum color that was going to look incredible against Alana’s lighter colored dress. Zoe couldn’t wait to add their hair and dresses on top of their already gorgeous make-up, and she was thankful that Alana knew so much about it. </p>
<p>Their hair was next, so Zoe plugs in her curling iron and gets up, knowing now was a good time to use the bathroom while the iron was heating up, and she thinks she’ll grab some stronger hairspray from her mom’s room too on the way back. </p>
<p>“I’ll be right back Alana,” Zoe tells her leaving her room and closing the door (in case the boys were around somewhere trying to peek at their dresses) behind her and jogs to the bathroom her and Connor shared. </p>
<p>Zoe uses the bathroom quickly and washes her hands and when she opens the door to leave again, she runs right smack into Evan’s chest, who was obviously trying to go in and wasn’t at all expecting her to be coming out. But she doesn’t want him to see her yet, her reveal later needed to be perfect (and not to mention she was still in her robe which was loosely tied somewhat showing her bra, which was fine for Alana to see, but not Evan….yet). </p>
<p>“No, Evan you can’t see me, close your eyes,” Zoe tells him quickly, which makes Evan even more flustered, but he immediately does what she’s asked of him and scrunches his eyes closed. He even puts his hands over them too for good measure. </p>
<p>“Oh my god, I’m so sorry Zoe. I didn’t know you were in there and I’m not looking, I swear,” Evan says, looking completely adorable, so Zoe can’t help but giggle at him. She loved that he did what she’d asked, without thinking about it, and he looked so cute doing it. She really found a good one in Evan Hansen. </p>
<p>“I believe you Ev, and you’ll get to look soon, all night if you want to,” Zoe flirts, opting to just go all in with the boldness, since she figured she’d get to do it all the time after tonight. Why not start a little early? </p>
<p>Zoe can see the blush creeping onto Evan’s face, even with his hands covering most of it and she just knows he’s nervous to say something back, but she hopes it’s the tummy-fluttering nerves she feels, not his regular anxiety. </p>
<p>“Um, yeah, um okay,” is all Evan can say and Zoe sets her hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently, deciding that one big flirt was enough for now, that if she kissed his cheek like she wanted to, that he might completely lose it. And his moment of losing it tonight, she was hoping would be for a real kiss, so she’d wait it out. </p>
<p>“Okay, I’m going to go finish getting ready with Alana. Count to five and then you can open your eyes Ev,” Zoe says, walking backwards to her room slowly so she could continue to watch him. Evan starts counting out loud, which Zoe did not expect, but she thinks it’s even cuter than him covering his eyes. </p>
<p>Zoe waits in the doorway of her room until she hears Evan say five and then scurries into her room and shuts the door, hoping Evan got one tiny glance at her. Not enough to give away her full look, but enough to tease him just a little more about what was to come. Zoe leans against her closed door and just starts laughing out of pure joy, startling Alana slightly. </p>
<p>“What’s so funny?” Alana asks her, setting her nail polish down to full turn to Zoe. </p>
<p>“I just ran into Evan coming out of the bathroom, and I don’t know, he’s just so cute,” Zoe says knowing just how lovesick she sounds, fawning over Evan. </p>
<p>“Zoe Murphy you are positively smitten,” Alana says joining in with Zoe’s happy little giggles. </p>
<p>“I know Alana, and tonight he’s going to know too,” Zoe says dreamily, still not moving from leaning against her door. </p>
<p>“Not if we don’t finish getting ready,” Alana teases her, taking a sip of her champagne and motioning for Zoe to come take her seat at the vanity back. </p>
<p>Zoe obliges and comes back to their makeshift salon, pleased to find her curling iron was nice and hot. She starts to painstakingly curl small chunks of her hair piece by piece as Alana returns to painting her nails (a light pink and sparkly gold topcoat to match her make-up). </p>
<p>They both feel pretty and glitzy and with every curl that Zoe lays gently on her shoulder, she gets more and more excited, the prolonged adrenaline from seeing Evan in the hall, fueling most it. <br/>Zoe had liked him for so long and it had always felt like she’d made up excuses to not go for it, to not talk to Evan about her feelings, but she wasn’t going to do that anymore. She was sure he liked her back and that was really all she needed. And she didn’t know how Evan would feel about starting a relationship, but she was willing to take it slow, as slow as he needed to feel comfortable, as long as they could say they were together, that they were <em>dating</em>. </p>
<p>She proudly wanted to proclaim that she was with him, that this wonderfully sweet, loving boy was off the market, and everyone else was out of luck. </p>
<p>Alana decides her nails are dry, right as Zoe finishes curling her hair. Zoe adds the pretty white headband they had picked out last week to the middle of her head, leaving several curls upfront to be twisted back eventually. Together Zoe and Alana start to twist and pin Zoe’s hair back, not following a particular pattern and soon Zoe’s hair is in a romantic messy updo, with some curls left out and some tucked in, her headband centering it all. Zoe thinks it’s perfect, exactly what she’d envisioned for her perfect night.  </p>
<p>Alana goes back and forth between pulling her hair up into a pretty ponytail or bun and leaving it down in her braids and ultimately they decide on down, parting her hair further to the left than normal and sweeping a few braids behind with a fancy clip, to keep them out of her face. It was simple, but effective and Zoe thought Alana looked stunning. There was no way that any of the boys wouldn’t think so too. </p>
<p>All they really had left to do was get dressed and add their lip color, but that wouldn’t take long, and it was only 5:45, they hadn’t told Jared to even get there until 6. So they just sit on Zoe’s bed and chat a little more about the specific plans for tonight. </p>
<p>“Did you guys ever decide on if we’re taking two cars?” Alana asks, probably since they hadn’t come to any real plan yesterday since everybody wanted to something a little different. </p>
<p>“Yeah, we decided against it this morning. We’ll just take my mom’s SUV since it’s bigger. I really wanted to drive just me and Evan, but I felt bad leaving you with Jared. I figured it’d be easier if we all went together,” Zoe tells her, knowing she’d gotten into a slight argument with Connor over it this morning. She’d pretended that his car was too small for five, four was fine, but one more and her dress would get wrinkled and she was adamant about needing space between her and Jared, and that Evan would need it too. Connor’s solution was a bigger car, and since that did make sense, Zoe had to agree. </p>
<p>“Yeah, and I would have felt bad if he ended up in your car, knowing that it might be a lot for Evan,” Alana agrees with her. And it felt nice that Alana recognized that having Jared there not only threw a wrench into her own plan to try to get closer to Connor, but that Evan was still having trouble with Jared, even if it had been going a little better. </p>
<p>“Thanks Alana, but this reminded me, do you want to sit up front with Connor and we’ll deal with Jared, or should we pawn him off to Connor and then you guys can sit together at dinner?” Zoe questions, trying to think through all the possibilities of tonight. She wanted Alana to get some alone-ish time with Connor, even if it was just sitting together. She knows Alana would be doing the same for her and would probably help when she snuck away to dance alone with Evan. </p>
<p>“I don’t know Zo, I’m starting to get really nervous about it all again,” Alana admits to her and Zoe understands, if this was a few weeks ago, she’d be feeling the same way. Unsure about Evan, scared to take a leap of faith, worried about ruining their friendship. </p>
<p>“I know this probably doesn’t help all that much, but try not to be nervous because all it’s doing is putting this weird pressure on you to make something happen. Treat tonight like it’s any other night, we’re all just hanging out like normal but instead of chicken strips and bowling, we’re getting fancy food and going dancing, but it’s all the same,” Zoe tells her, hoping that it calms her down a little. She didn’t want Alana to have a bad time because she was trying to force something that maybe wasn’t supposed to be there or happen right now. </p>
<p>“No it did help. And I guess going back to driving, if it were normal, Evan would be upfront, but that means we’d have to be with Jared in the back,” Alana tells her, and Zoe knows she’s right. Evan <em>always</em> sat in the passenger seat next to Connor, ever since the very first time they all drove together. It would definitely throw things off to not have him there. That was something she hadn’t thought of. </p>
<p>“Oh yeah, well maybe we can just play it off, see what happens when we walk out there and I’ll tug Evan back a little and if you want to, in the moment, nod at me and I’ll make it happen somehow. If not, we’ll push Jared to the front and regroup in the back before we get to the restaurant. How does that sound?” Zoe asks her, thinking her plan was pretty good. She couldn’t anticipate what Jared would do, but hopefully she could make something up fast enough as to why Evan needed to be in the back with her. </p>
<p>“That actually sounds really good, thanks Zoe,” Alana says, taking a deep breath and relaxing, reaching over to give Zoe a small hug. </p>
<p>“Of course. Tonight should be fun, that’s the most important. But we should probably get dressed, my mom will probably be up soon to tell us if the boys are ready,” Zoe says getting up from her bed and heading to her closet to grab her and Alana’s dresses. </p>
<p>They both help each other with the zippers and then taking turns twirling around Zoe’s other full-length mirror, admiring their dresses combined with their hair and make-up. And they’re adding their chosen lip colors when Cynthia comes into Zoe’s room unannounced, gasping and telling them, “Oh girls, you look stunning.” </p>
<p>And Zoe knew it was her mom and she had to say that, but Zoe did think she meant it. She had never felt more beautiful than she did now. And mixing that with the anticipation of seeing Evan and him seeing her, was the best feeling in the world. </p>
<p>“Thanks Mom,” Zoe says at the same time as Alana’s polite, “Thank you Mrs. Murphy,” making them both laugh even though it wasn’t all that funny. They were just too excitable at this point. </p>
<p>“Well Jared just got here, and Connor and Evan are waiting downstairs with him, so if you two are ready, so are they,” Cynthia tells them, giving them the option of taking more time for any last-minute touches. The boys could wait. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I think we’re ready, right Zo?” Alana says, glancing around Zoe’s room in case they missed anything important. Zoe double checks too and then nods, not seeing anything that they were missing (they were dressed, she’d put her necklace back on, they looked gorgeous, everything was as it should be), beaming at her mom, just unbelievably eager for tonight to officially start. </p>
<p>Zoe and Alana follow Cynthia out of Zoe’s room, but wait for her to go down the staircase alone before them, so she could take photos of them coming down together. They walk down together and Zoe immediately looks for Evan, catching his eyes and locking onto him quickly. </p>
<p>It takes all her control to not run the rest of the way down and launch herself onto him like she’d done when she had found out she made first chair. And slowing down gives her a moment to oddly consider that if she tripped and fell down the stairs right at this moment, Evan would be there to catch her. And that just felt right. It warms her heart and makes her feel tingly all over. </p>
<p>But that also might be from Evan standing in front of her and looking absolutely spectacular. </p>
<p>She probably would have thought that no matter what he was wearing (especially since she knows he was not planning on having this suit), but she can’t help but think how perfect it was on him. The blue was just right, and he filled it out so well, her mom really did know what she was doing. </p>
<p>It looked like he tried to style his hair a little differently too, pushing some up and back with gel, and Zoe really loves it. He looked handsome and happy and he matched her perfectly. Like they were meant to be together tonight. </p>
<p>And then there was the way he was looking at <em>her</em>. </p>
<p>The look of awe and admiration on Evan’s face, coupled with the way his mouth was slightly agape, like he was unable to speak at all, was making her even happier than she thought was possible. It was even better that Connor and Jared were talking because she could hear them, even if she couldn’t really <em>hear</em> them because all of her focus was on Evan. And all of his was on her. <br/>Evan can’t seem to look away from her and she was sure she was blushing again, that her face probably looked the same as Evan’s and she wonders if he was feeling that giddy excitement building too. Probably. </p>
<p>Instead of wasting her time acknowledging her brother or Jared, Zoe keeps her eyes on Evan and walks right up to him, waiting for him to make the next move. And he looks like he’s about to hug her, his arms coming up halfway to her, but then he stops and just awkwardly pats her arms and says, “Hi Zoe, you look really pretty.” </p>
<p>And before she can say or do anything else, a look of panic flashes across Evan’s face, and he turns to Alana, and says at a rapid pace, “Hi Alana, you also look really pretty.” </p>
<p>Zoe can tell that Evan thinks he’s saved himself with that one and he returns to looking at her, and she just thinks it’s the most adorable thing ever. It was sweet that he was including Alana because she did look very pretty, but Zoe just knew he meant it differently when he said it to her. </p>
<p>“She does, doesn’t she? And hi Evan, you look pretty too,” Zoe tells him, copying his awkward arm pat instead of hugging him. One because she thought it was too cute to not do, and two, she didn’t want Evan fretting about the general awkwardness of it all night. Evan’s awkward tendencies were something she liked about him, one of her favorites actually. </p>
<p>Her statement has Evan blushing even more so, but she could tell he appreciated the compliment. Evan never really focused a lot on his appearance, not that he ever looked bad or like sloppy or anything, he just didn’t seem to think he had a lot going for him, but he did. Zoe liked everything about his appearance even if it was secondary to everything she liked about <em>him</em>. But she wasn’t going to deny the fact that she loved his sandy blonde hair and hazel eyes, the way he was just a little taller than her, how soft his hands were and how they fit perfectly with hers (even if he claimed they were sweaty, they weren’t). She would take any opportunity to compliment him. </p>
<p>And she doesn’t even bother looking to Connor or Jared long enough to tell them they looked nice. They were probably did, but she only had eyes for Evan.</p>
<p>Zoe wants to stay lost in this little world between her and Evan, focusing on each other and not caring about anything else. And she’s about to hug him, just because she wanted to be closer to him and because she thinks he’d be okay with it, when Connor coughs loudly, breaking their spell and says, “Mom, should we do flowers?” </p>
<p>“Yes, great idea Connor, Larry go get them and I’ll take more pictures. Kids, group together, let’s get all of you in,” Cynthia says, waving her hands trying to direct them into the “good” lighting in their foyer. </p>
<p>Zoe actually doesn’t mind getting interrupted from her moment with Evan to do flowers and pictures. She was excited to finally see what they had picked out after Evan refused to tell her and she was couldn’t wait for Evan to see his. And the more photos they together from tonight, the better. </p>
<p>Zoe tries to reach for Evan’s hand, planning on pulling him to stand next her for these group photos, when Connor beats her too it and drags Evan to stand next to him and Jared. Evan doesn’t seem to realize what had happened until it was over with, like he’d been so consumed by them, that he didn’t see it wasn’t her pulling him, but Connor. And it would probably be weird if he got up and specifically went to stand by Zoe, since they weren’t technically dates, so Zoe lets it go. </p>
<p>But she does note that this was the second time in the span of seconds that Connor had come between them. What was his problem? Shouldn’t he be focused on Alana and how amazing she looked and just was in general? Or at the very least entertaining Jared since he was the one who insisted on inviting him. He shouldn’t be butting into her and Evan’s things. But she keeps her cool and smiles for the photos in her spot furthest away from Evan. They wouldn’t be the only ones from the night, so she figures it would be fine if they weren’t together for all of them. Besides she was most excited for those “first look” photos that her mom had promised she’d take when they’d picked out dresses. </p>
<p>They’re in the middle of doing silly photos when her dad comes back and Zoe’s the first one to leave the group, rushing to her dad to grab Evan’s boutonniere before someone, most likely Connor if his previous actions told her anything, could snatch it from her.   </p>
<p>Zoe walks back up to Evan and pops open the little plastic container, showing him and letting herself see the completed boutonniere for the first time. She really liked it. It was simple yet elegant and the extra touch of the pine boughs was so <em>Evan</em>. She knew he was going to like it too. </p>
<p>But just to make sure, she asks him, almost as quick as him during one of his rambles, “Do you like it Ev? I had them add little sprigs of pine because they reminded me of trees, which reminded me of you.” </p>
<p>“Oh Zo, I love it. It’s really, so um, so nice. Thank you,” Evan tells her softly, holding the flower delicately in his hand, like he was afraid he might ruin it somehow. He wouldn’t, but Zoe loved that it was just Evan’s nature to be gentle with things. </p>
<p>“Let me help you pin it on,” Zoe tells him, setting the box down and reaching for the flower back from Evan. She knew helping each other was something <em>couples</em> did, and Evan could probably manage on his own, but she wanted to do it. To give herself another tiny reason to be close to him tonight. </p>
<p>“Um, okay,” Evan says a little hesitantly, as Zoe glances over to her mom, shooting her “get a photo of this” look. Zoe smiles up at Evan, and she squeezes his bicep softly, reminding him to relax, that they were allowed to do this and be excited about it, and then proceeds to pin his boutonniere to the lapel of his jacket. </p>
<p>Zoe smiles even wider as Evan smiles back at her, the tension he was holding for some reason, releasing under her gentle touch. And Zoe feels like their having a sweet moment again, making up for the last one that was interrupted, until this one is too. </p>
<p>“Zoe, here’s yours. You shouldn’t need help, it’s an elastic not a tie,” Connor tells her, pushing the last flower box towards her, standing there slightly awkwardly until she takes it. </p>
<p>“Okay, thanks Con,” Zoe says, turning distinctly back to Evan in honestly what she hopes was a dismissive way. Because was he seriously trying to ruin her night? Couldn’t he leave her and Evan alone for like five minutes to exchange the flowers that they both knew they had picked out for each other? Was it really that hard when two of their other friends were also with them?</p>
<p>But Zoe quickly shakes off her annoyance, not wanting to feel anything but happiness tonight, and looks down to see her own corsage. And it really does lift her spirits back up. It was beautiful, the prettiest one she’d ever seen and it makes her feel warm and fuzzy and even more in love that Evan knew her so well. </p>
<p>She doesn’t know how he knew to add a touch of blue to match her dress, maybe he was just hoping since his suit was blue, but it’s simply perfection. It was her style completely and she loved the one big flower versus lots of small ones and that fact that it was white just like his was. Everything was just falling right into place, exactly the way she was hoping. </p>
<p>“Want to help me put it on anyway Evan?” Zoe asks him softly, giving him the chance to do for her what she’d done for him, even with Connor’s unhelpful input. </p>
<p>“Um, I don-, well, um, sure,” Evan says, having a bit of trouble making up his mind, and Zoe thinks that he was probably just a little nervous with all this outward display of affection. They usually kept things subtle or for when they were just alone, but tonight Zoe had disregarded that completely and it seemed fair that Evan needed a little time to catch up. </p>
<p>Evan takes the flower out of the box just as gently as he did his own, letting Zoe set the box down once more, and then he stretches the elastic so Zoe can slip her hand through. Evan stays touching her wrist for probably longer than necessary, but Zoe doesn’t mind, and then eventually lets go, letting the corsage sit lightly on her wrist.</p>
<p>“Thank you Evan, for picking this out, I love it and it’s perfect,” Zoe tells him, touching the petals gently and smiling at him more, sure that her blush was flaring back up.</p>
<p>“Um, we all picked them out, me, Jared, and Connor,” Evan tells her, but the incredulous look she gives him lets him know that not for a second did she believe that was true. Evan had picked these, even if Connor and Jared had technically been there too. And his quick look to the ground and back to her with a cute little sheepish smile is all she needs as confirmation. And all she needs to make her tummy flutter once more. Evan really was wonderful. </p>
<p>On the downside though, Evan’s humbleness is enough to remind her that maybe she should care just a tiny bit about her other friends, that they were there too, so she glances over to check on them. Alana was looking down at her own corsage and Zoe figured she liked it and it looked like it matched hers, just with white baby’s breath instead of blue, but neither of the boys were talking to her. Or to each other. They were all just kind of standing there, doing nothing. </p>
<p>And she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t step in somewhat to try to help. Yes, she wanted tonight to be all about her and Evan, but she wasn’t selfish enough to let everyone else’s night be awful. </p>
<p>“Did you guys need any help with boutonnieres too?” Zoe asks, seeing that Jared had one somehow too, but that it was different from Evan and Connor’s matching ones. Her mom had probably picked up an already made one today, not wanting a kid (no matter how much Zoe didn’t care for him) to be very noticeably left out. And she was fine with that. </p>
<p>“Nope. We’re all good, it’s not that hard,” Jared says in his usual slightly haughty tone, but Zoe can’t tell if he was like proud of himself for pinning a flower, or trying to subtly call Evan out for having her do it for him. It wasn’t like Evan <em>needed </em> the help, she had wanted to do it. Maybe Jared was jealous. It seemed like he was almost always jealous of Evan.</p>
<p>“Okay, cool I guess. But then let’s get some more photos with them on,” Zoe says, tugging Evan close to her, looping their arms so he couldn’t be pulled away from her again, and leading them over to where Alana was, where they’d taken pictures earlier. </p>
<p>And thankfully Evan doesn’t seem to mind her slightly possessive behavior, in fact he almost seemed a little dazed. Maybe it was her. Maybe he wasn’t thinking rationally because he was in awe of her and everything that was happening. Maybe she was having this effect on him. Yeah, she’d go with that for now, and ask him about it later when they were alone. </p>
<p>Cynthia requests more silly photos since the last ones were broken up by Larry bringing them the flowers. And Zoe’s much more carefree this time and poses playfully around Evan. She continues to pose with him even as they move on to more “serious” pictures. But she does end up posing with Alana and Connor too this time around since she wasn’t so caught up in the fact that Evan had been dragged off. And she thinks it makes Evan feel a little better too, her being less controlling, maybe, more normal? And she really wasn’t trying to be, was it a crime to want a couple pictures next to Evan since they were technically going as a group? Zoe didn’t think so.</p>
<p>“Okay kids, we have plenty of photos for now. I think you might want to head out for your reservation. And remember, curfew is midnight,” Cynthia tells them cheerily, even though they all knew the curfew and had no intentions of staying out later than midnight anyway. </p>
<p>“And we expect you home by then,” Larry says sternly at the boys in particular and something must actually be wrong with Connor tonight because he sarcastically replies, “Yeah, that’s what curfew means.” </p>
<p>He hadn’t talked back to their dad like that in a while and Zoe in no way wanted them to return to fighting all the time. She’d been a little more annoyed with Connor lately, ever since going to the dance had been a plan, even with him trying harder this week. And maybe that wasn’t fair to Connor. Maybe he was going through something he hadn’t told her about, and this was his way of trying to figure it out. </p>
<p>Tomorrow she was going to hopefully try to talk to him about it. She’d been really caught up with Evan and hanging out with Alana and everything with band and therapy, that she realizes she hadn’t really just hung out with Connor in quite some time. They could figure out a time tomorrow to do something just the two of them, even if it was something small. Maybe that would cheer him up.</p>
<p>“You darlings have fun, and take even more photos, for me and for Evan’s mom,” Cynthia tells them, ignoring both Larry and Connor’s comments in favor of keeping everything calm and normal. But at least she was including Evan’s mom, who couldn’t be here tonight. Zoe didn’t know about Jared’s parents, but she knew Evan would have loved to have his mom there to see them all and take photos and be the one to tell them when curfew was. But at least he had her mom. </p>
<p>And she knows Evan truly appreciates her as she watches him throw her a thankful glance, broken out of his daze for a moment. </p>
<p>“Okay, thank Mom. We will,” Zoe says, breaking away from Evan to give her a quick hug, before gesturing for them all to head to the car. </p>
<p>As they walk, Zoe remembers her promise to Alana and carefully meets her eyeline, secretly asking what Alana wanted to do. Alana immediately shakes her head “no” and looks a little nervous, and Zoe nods to her to let her know she understood. And it sucked, but Zoe had a feeling pictures and flowers weren’t nearly as magical for Alana as they had been for her. </p>
<p>But Zoe was on it. She’d figure out a way to foist Jared off into the front seat, so her and Alana could regroup in the back covertly. And she wasn’t going to give up sitting next to Evan. </p>
<p>A bunch of crazy ideas fly through Zoe’s mind in the twenty seconds it takes to get them to Cynthia’s SUV and she doesn’t end up needing any of them because once they’re all close enough, Jared yells, “Shotgun!” and races to the front seat on his own. </p>
<p>Well, that was easy. Zoe didn’t even have to do anything. </p>
<p>“But um, Evan normally sits…” Connor starts and Zoe knows exactly where Connor was going with that so she cuts him off telling Jared, “No it’s fine. Jared you can sit up front, it’s totally cool.” </p>
<p>And Connor definitely looked annoyed at her, but not enough to put up a fight and just huffs, getting into the driver’s seat as the rest of them got in. And she did feel bad for him, once again thinking about how this night was probably stressful for him. </p>
<p>He hadn’t really wanted to go at all, and they had made him, and he was probably looking to have the support of his best friend to get through it. Maybe Connor and Evan needed to do a little something special on their own too, in addition to Zoe and Connor having something. It seemed only fair, since tonight was turning into (of Zoe’s doing) a Zoe and Evan night. She would try her hardest to be nicer to him tonight, to make things more fun for everyone when they were a whole group. </p>
<p>And Zoe starts with the drive. It surprisingly wasn’t too bad and Zoe puts on a playlist she made just for tonight, comprising of everyone’s favorite songs, which made for a bit of a mish-mash of vibes, but fun nonetheless. And she does enjoy fighting Jared over the greatness of her musical choices, demonstrating that no one should try to best her when it came to music. </p>
<p>And it’s the first time she’s gotten to properly hold hands with Evan in a while, hidden away under the tulle overlay of the skirt of her dress. She’d intertwined their hands early into the drive and he never pulled away, only started to rub his thumb back and forth across the top of her hand, probably because he was still a little anxious. And she hates that he’s feeling stressed, but it makes her feel good, like it always did, that they were connecting in a way that was different than everyone else. </p>
<p>When they get to the restaurant, Zoe checks in with Alana again, and this time Alana nods to her. She wanted to take a shot at sitting next to Connor in a maybe flirty way and Zoe could help make that happen. Maybe they would get a table and she could cajole them to the same side or maybe a circle booth and they could be in the middle? </p>
<p>Zoe nods back, letting Alana know she was already thinking of something and lets go of Evan, letting him get of the car ahead of her. And she’s pleasantly surprised when Evan smiles sheepishly at her once more and holds his hand out to her, offering to help her out of the car.</p>
<p>She gladly takes his hand and smiles brightly at him, using her other hand to hold her dress up so she wouldn’t step on it as she got out of the car. Once she’s fully settled on her heels, Zoe squeezes Evan’s hand and then lets go, opting to loop their arms like she’d been doing this last week. </p>
<p>She had felt that Evan was more okay with that level of hand holding than anything else, and she didn’t want to add to his stress. But she did want to let him know that she wanted to be with <em>him</em> tonight. No one else. </p>
<p>Evan seems okay with this arrangement and even smiles at her again as they all walk up to the restaurant entrance, Connor leading so he could handle checking in for them all. </p>
<p>“Hi, we have a reservation for Murphy for 6:45,” Connor tells the hostess nicely, glancing back at the rest of them like he was checking that they were all still there with him. </p>
<p>“Ah, yes, Murphy for five, right this way,” she tells them, leading them back behind to the dining room, adding, “Well don’t you all look nice, school dance or something?” </p>
<p>“Yes, it’s our fall formal tonight,” Zoe answers her sweetly, appreciating the compliment, even from a stranger, following her to a circular table somewhat in the middle of the dining room. Zoe’s glad because this would be the easiest type of table to maneuver seating arrangements with. There weren’t any “sides” and no one would feel oddly left out. She hoped at least.   </p>
<p>“I hope you kids have fun and your waiter will be by shortly,” she tells them, seating the menus down at the table for them. </p>
<p>They all respond with a light chorus of “Thank you’s” and go to sit down. Zoe’s about to pull two seats out, obviously for her and Evan, but Connor swoops in, clearly stealing what would have been her spot, again. And even though she was trying not to be, she was annoyed, again. </p>
<p>But she uses the fact that Connor was already seated to her advantage, and quickly pulls Alana up to her and lightly pushes her into the leftover seat and drags Evan a few more seats down to the next two that were open since Jared had also already down next to Connor. </p>
<p>She sees Connor roll his eyes a little but she didn’t really care. She was next to Alana and Evan, Alana got to be next to Connor, the only downside being that Evan was also next to Jared. Zoe was honestly a little stressed about that for Evan, but she wouldn’t have to do anything unless Jared did something first. Which he hadn’t yet, except for maybe the boutonniere comment, but that also could have been a misunderstanding. She was going to be on her toes though. Just in case. </p>
<p>But nothing seemed to be amiss, so they all grab a menu and start to look it over. This was one of Zoe’s favorite restaurant for super fancy food and everything was amazing each time she’d been with her family. So she was really excited to order, knowing that anything she picked was going to be good. </p>
<p>But when she looks over to Evan after making her decision, he looks tense, like something was wrong. Zoe nudges him softly with her elbow to get his attention inconspicuously, not wanting to draw any extra attention to him, and when he looks to her, he seems to know that she knew something was up and whispers to her, “Zoe what are some of these things? I don’t even know what most of this is, how am I supposed to order?”</p>
<p>She could tell Evan was embarrassed by what he’d just admitted to her and she knows he hated when he felt like he didn’t fit in because of money stuff. She wished she considered that when they’d picked out a restaurant, picked something a little more accessible but it was one of the things her and Connor had actually agreed on. They both had pretty good memories with their family there and the food was just too good to not take the opportunity to go. Neither of them had thought about anything else. Like the fact that Evan had probably never been anywhere like it before. </p>
<p>“Well, this one is a chicken dish with just like a fancy sauce and yummy noodles, you might like that one,” Zoe says quietly, pointing to one of the entrée dishes that she did think he might like, thinking that might be one way to help him. </p>
<p>“What are you getting?” Evan asks her, still looking a little worked up the whole thing. And she wants to apologize, hug him and tell him it would be okay, but she doesn’t want to make a scene or honestly let anyone else at the table know that Evan wasn’t feeling so confident know. </p>
<p>“Probably the risotto, it’s like a rice dish, but really creamy with fancy tasting mushrooms,” Zoe tells him, hoping her explanations were good enough for Evan to pick something. She knew Evan wasn’t the pickiest, but she did want him to get something he’d actually like. </p>
<p>“Oh, um, okay,” Evan tells her, looking back to the menu, and she thinks he maybe felt the smallest bit better. </p>
<p>“So what is everyone thinking? I think I’m going to get the chicken,” Alana asks cheerily, probably trying to get their conversation flowing once more since no one had really said anything since they’d been seated. </p>
<p>“I think chicken too,” Jared says, which kind of surprises Zoe, she had thought Jared would pick ostentatious, just because he could. </p>
<p>“Halibut,” Connor tells them, making Evan look to her once again, not really knowing what that was, so she whispers, “It’s a fish.” </p>
<p>Evan nods at her understanding now and she tells the table, hoping it’d give Evan a little more time, “Well I think we should get an appetizer for the whole table, maybe this cheese plate because it looks really good. And then I’m going to get the truffle risotto, it’s so good.”</p>
<p>“That’s a good idea Zo! What about you Evan?” Alana asks kindly, only knowing a little bit that it was hard for Evan to order things on his own. But Alana probably was just trying to include him in their conversation. </p>
<p>“Um, what Zoe’s getting,” Evan says quietly, looking down at the table, clearly out of his comfort zone. Which was something Zoe wanted desperately to fix. </p>
<p>“Okay, glad that’s settled. Everything here is great, so no bad choices are even possible,” Zoe tells them, setting her menu down so she could move her hands to her lap, which actually meant that she could hold Evan’s hand without anyone seeing. </p>
<p>And this wasn’t even because she was trying to do something romantic. Evan needed reassurance that she was here, and she wouldn’t let anything happen. He was anxious, like he’d been that one time at the coffee shop on her birthday. Zoe just wanted him to feel better. </p>
<p>It’s reassuring that Evan easily takes her hand into his, squeezing softly in appreciation, which makes Zoe feel better too. And plus, she did know Evan would probably like what she ordered because she was almost positive he was ordering it just because she was. </p>
<p>They start talking about other things besides dinner, complimenting the corsages and boutonnieres again, chatting amicably until the waiter comes and greets them. He starts to take orders, beginning with Jared and going around the table until lastly, he gets to Evan.</p>
<p>And Zoe can tell right away that things aren’t okay. Evan starts squeezing her hand even tighter, but he tries to order on his own, stammering, “I, um, I, I, may, I, um, um…” </p>
<p>Evan freezes and desperately finds her eyeline, asking her silently to help, very obviously panicking and she immediately steps in, looking to the waiter and saying, “He’ll do the risotto too. Thank you so much.” </p>
<p>The waiter doesn’t seem to mind at all and quickly leaves them. Zoe starts to gently move her thumb back and forth across Evan’s hand, hoping that it would be comforting to him. And Zoe makes the mistake of looking towards them and she sees Jared smirking, like he was making fun of Evan and it really pisses her off. </p>
<p>How dare he? They'd invited him to be nice and that was it. He wasn't in any position to be pissing any of them off tonight. </p>
<p>“What Jared?” Zoe says to him harshly, not one hundred percent sure what picking a fight with him would do, but she didn’t want him to think that it was at all acceptable to hurt Evan like that, not ever, but especially not when she was there. </p>
<p>“Nothing,” Jared replies still smirking, probably thinking it was funny that Evan needed help. It wasn’t. </p>
<p>“No, you looked like you had something to say, and if it’s anything like I think it is, you can fucking leave,” Zoe says angrily, shocking both Connor and Alana who hadn’t seen Jared or expected Zoe to try to kick him out. </p>
<p>But she was going to try like hell. She didn’t want him to come in the first place and she wouldn’t care if he left, even if it made her seem rude. </p>
<p>“Zoe what?” Jared asks like he didn’t know what she was talking about. But she was sure he did, and she wasn’t going to stand for it. Alana and Connor still look confused, not sure why Zoe was coming after Jared so much, and Connor looks like he’s about to say something to her. </p>
<p>“Don’t even, Con, if he’s going to be an asshole, then he’s not welcome here,” Zoe says, not knowing if Connor was going to defend her or Jared (probably her) but she still didn’t want to hear any excuses from anyone. Evan was looking down at his lap, at their clasped hands, not saying one thing or another about the situation. </p>
<p>“No, I wasn’t,” Jared defends, and Zoe wants to call him out again, but she feels Evan squeeze her hand, the first thing he’d done since the waiter left and she knows he doesn’t want her to push it, that a bigger confrontation would make him feel worse. </p>
<p>So she refrains from telling Jared that he wasn’t meant to be here, that no one wanted him there, which she knew was mean. But in her opinion so was making fun of Evan for trying to order and then needing help. He had social anxiety on top of feeling completely out of place at this restaurant, and Zoe had thought he’d been doing really good all things considered. She’d been proud of him and was planning on telling him that when they were alone. She wasn’t going to let Jared ruin that. </p>
<p>Zoe was going to stop, because Evan wanted her to, but she doesn’t have to say anything else anyway because right in that moment, the waiter brings out the appetizer plate she’d ordered, breaking up some of the tension she caused (Even though it was really Jared who had caused it).  </p>
<p>“This looks amazing, this was a good choice Zoe,” Alana says very evidently trying to diffuse the conversation and bring them back to someplace pleasant. </p>
<p>“Yeah it does,” Evan says quietly, but loud enough for the whole table to hear, probably to let Connor and Alana know that things were okay, that he was okay. </p>
<p>“Everyone should try this one, here Jared,” Connor says pointing to one of the fancy cheeses and handing Jared a piece, trying to include him. </p>
<p>And Zoe forces herself to calm down watching her friends do it because she didn’t want to ruin the night for herself, for Alana and Connor, but most importantly for Evan.</p>
<p>“So um, did you guys take that test in civics yet? Mine and Connor’s got pushed to Monday,” Jared says, reverting back to the safest topic possible, school. Zoe doesn’t really appreciate that he was trying with something she couldn’t really talk about since she wasn’t in their grade, but she lets it go. She thinks maybe he should have tried to apologize to her and to Evan, but at least he looked a little remorseful. And like he wouldn’t say anything in front of her again. Good. </p>
<p>But after that, Zoe finds the rest of dinner to be fairly easy. Evan slowly warms back up and towards the end was talking like he normally would, which makes her happy. And it was easy enough for them all to talk about the food (which as Zoe thought it would be, was really good), music, more school stuff, things like that. And when she finally relaxes, it’s pretty enjoyable. </p>
<p>She holds Evan’s hand for a little longer, stopping only when their food came, and she tries to throw him smiles whenever she can, so he knows she’s not anything but happy with regards to him. And he does it back, like he knew what she meant. And it was another thing she loved so much about their relationship, that a good chunk of the time they didn’t even need to talk to understand each other, they just <em>did</em>. </p>
<p>When they’re done, Connor takes the check and Zoe wonders if this would be another think that might stress Evan out, like it tended to do, but it doesn’t. Evan seems to happily let Connor handle the tab and Zoe wonders if they talked about it beforehand. Maybe he’d tell her about it later. Either way, she was glad Evan was doing good. That’s all she usually ever wanted. </p>
<p>On the drive over to their high school, Alana sits up front with Connor and Zoe’s incredibly proud of her for taking that chance even if it was pretty low-risk and even if it meant that she had to sit next to Jared in the back seat. She’d do it for Alana and Connor. </p>
<p>It does give her an excuse to sit even closer to Evan though, leaning into him as much as she could and as much as she thought he’d be comfortable with. In her little bubble of closeness to Evan, Zoe realizes that the last time they’d been in this car together besides tonight, was when he’d broken his arm. </p>
<p>And as awful as it was that Evan broke his arm while climbing, Zoe was really glad that it happened, that her and Connor had been close enough to hear him. That everything that happened that day had led her to Evan and towards rekindling her relationship with Connor (even if things were a little rocky tonight with him trying to “steal” Evan). She wouldn’t change any of it. Because she it meant she had Evan. </p>
<p>And when tonight ended, she’d have him in a different way. </p>
<p>She thinks she’ll have to wait to lock everything down though, probably after they got back to their house during the sleepover part of the night. Her and Evan could truly be alone once Connor and Alana fell asleep, and that’s what she needed. No chance of interruptions. No brother or best friends to worry about. Just her and Evan. </p>
<p>It was going to be perfect. </p>
<p>When they get to the school, Evan helps her out of the car like he’d done at the restaurant, but then also helps Alana out too (since she was on his side this time) and Zoe thinks it’s incredibly sweet of him. For Alana’s sake, she wished it was Connor doing it, but Evan treating their friend with such respect and the utmost kindness was really what she thought was the nicest. </p>
<p>They all walk over to the gym together and hand their tickets over to the teacher who was working in the front, getting a stamp on their hands and walk in together. </p>
<p>The gym was only a little bit like Connor described, but Zoe thought it still had kind of a magical feel to it. And the looks of wonder on Alana and Evan’s faces tell her that they think so too. </p>
<p>There were sparkly balloons everywhere and the lights were off, with only some spotlights and one other light making it look kind of twinkly. There was a real band in the corner too, which Zoe thought was super cool and way better than just some teacher playing a top 100 playlist. Off to the side there was a table with water bottle, punch, and cookies, and in the very back corner there a bunch of tables set up for students to sit and talk. But the whole rest of the gym was open as a dance floor. </p>
<p>“Let’s dance!” Zoe exclaims happily, any other thing she’d been feeling replaced by the joy of being able to dance with her friends. Zoe tugs both Evan and Connor with her to the middle of the gym, with Alana and Jared following close behind them. </p>
<p>Zoe starts to just move to the music, doing whatever felt right and moving her body to the rhythm of the song playing, immediately having fun. </p>
<p>She can’t help but giggle at Evan’s attempt to copy her movements, trying his best to dance, probably to make her happy, and it works. She thinks he was absolutely adorable, and she loves him even more for it. Jared was doing his own weird thing but looked like he was having fun at least. And Connor was doing what Zoe swears someone called “white boy dancing” and he was trying to step in time to the music, but it was painfully obvious that rhythm was not his friend. But she was happy he was with them and trying, that’s all the mattered. </p>
<p>Alana looked like she was having fun too, trying to move Evan and Connor’s arms in more “normal” ways, but ends up making them all look even sillier. It’s fun and normal and so far, everything Zoe had wanted from the actual dancing part of the night. </p>
<p>Just having fun with her friends. </p>
<p>They dance along to several songs with each other, laughing, and outdoing each other with “cool” moves until they collectively decide to take a break and grab some water bottles. They sit down at a table in the same arrangement as the restaurant, and just naturally start talking about the dance as a whole, the other students there, some of the outfits they’d seen, just casual stuff for a few songs. </p>
<p>And then the band starts playing a slow song, and Zoe knows this might be her only chance to dance alone with Evan tonight, and she needed to take it. </p>
<p>“Evan, do you want to dance with me?” Zoe asks him hopefully, standing up out of her seat and offering her hand to him. Evan looks a little panicked again and it almost makes her heart stop. Was he going to say no? </p>
<p>Zoe watches him carefully, preparing herself to not cry in front of her friends, as Evan glances over to Connor, which makes her look to him too. Connor did not look very happy at the exchange, which was weird, but not more weird than Evan taking so long to answer her. </p>
<p>But then Evan nods his head and stands up, holding on to her hand and motioning for her to lead the way. Thank god. She doesn’t know what she would’ve done if Evan hadn’t wanted to dance with her, how she would have handled the disappointment of rejection, especially when she’d been so sure he wanted this too. But Evan had agreed so she didn’t have to worry about anything at all. </p>
<p>All she needed to focus on was her and Evan, which she could happily do.</p>
<p>Zoe leads them to the other side of the dance floor, until they can’t see Jared, Connor, and Alana anymore, which Zoe thinks is a good thing, she didn’t really want them watching her or Evan and she didn’t want Evan to feel like he was being watched or scrutinized either. </p>
<p>Zoe lets go of Evan’s hand to wrap her arms around his neck, like she was hugging him, but she wasn’t planning on letting go anytime soon. Evan’s hands naturally settle at her waist, and without prompting he pulls her just a bit closer, making her heart soar. </p>
<p>“Thank you for dancing with me Evan,” Zoe whispers to him, looking up into his eyes, seeing them shine with adoration. For her or the thanks she wasn’t quite sure, but she hoped it was her. </p>
<p>“I’ll always dance with you Zoe, as long as you want me to,” Evan tells her softly, making her melt into him just a little more. And she wants to tell him that all she really wants is to kiss him right now, dancing be damned, but she doesn’t. </p>
<p>Something was telling her that this wasn’t the right time, in front of all these people, so instead she pulls him tighter and lays her head against his chest, loving the light pressure of Evan setting his head against her, relaxing the same way she was. And they just stay like that, gently swaying back and forth, holding each other. </p>
<p>It was everything she’d ever wanted; this was the moment she felt like she’d been waiting forever for. It’s soft and sweet and perfect. And she’s sure she’s never felt more in love than she did now. </p>
<p>When the song ends, she doesn’t pull away from Evan, not wanting to break the little spell they were under, but she doesn’t think he minds, because he doesn’t seem to have any intention of moving either. So they stay like that, clinging to each other like magnets, not saying anything because they don’t need to, for an entire other song. And another. </p>
<p>Even as the pace of the songs get faster, they’re so lost in each other that the music doesn’t really matter anymore. But eventually as they’re swaying, Zoe catches a glimpse of Connor, Alana, and Jared dancing again, looking like they were having a lot of fun, even Connor who had been weirdly grouchy when she asked Evan to dance. </p>
<p>And she thinks she should maybe ask Evan if he wants to join them, giving him an out if he wanted it. She’d gotten her slow, romantic alone time with him, so even though she wanted to stay secluded cozied up to him the whole night, she would also be okay if they joined their friends again. </p>
<p>“Hey Ev, do you want to go dance with everyone else again?” Zoe asks him, tilting her to look up at him, but not moving anything else about their positioning. </p>
<p>“Um, only if you want to,” Evan responds hesitantly like he couldn’t figure out if she was genuinely offering or wanted to leave and needed an excuse.</p>
<p>“We can, but I want you to know that dancing with you was perfect, everything I wanted from tonight. And if I could I’d stay here forever,” Zoe tells him, figuring she might as well let him know exactly how she was feeling.</p>
<p>“Really?” Evan asks, like he wants nothing more than to believe her, that Zoe’s perfect night could be just being with him. </p>
<p> “Yeah. I wanted one fairytale dance, the kind of night you talk about forever, and I wanted that with you Evan,” Zoe says softly, letting her hands trail from his neck to his chest, lifting her head from him completely to fully look at him. She wanted him to know that she was completely serious about everything she was saying. </p>
<p>“I think it’s been kinda perfect too,” Evan tells her, speaking so gently, it makes Zoe’s heart flutter knowing that he thought tonight was perfect too. That being with her was perfect. Even with her being confrontational at dinner. Evan saw past it all and like he had from the time they met, just saw her. </p>
<p>“Yeah?” Zoe questions, if only to hear him say it again, and she gets a blushing Evan, which she could see even in the dim lighting, saying, “yeah” back to her. </p>
<p>And Zoe just knows the rest of the night would fine. They could talk more at home, alone, and figuring everything else about them out. They didn’t need to rush or decide anything right in the moment. They had each other and all the time in the world. And that was enough for Zoe. </p>
<p>Zoe steps back a little bit to lace their hands together and they walk over to their friends and just start dancing with them, giving no explanation as to what they were just doing. </p>
<p>“Evan, check out this move!” Jared yells excitedly and does what Zoe swears is the weirdest thing she’s ever seen, but Evan laughs happily, so she does too. They keep dancing together as a group for the rest of the night, switching dance “partners” and twirling in and around each other, paying no care to any other students around them. And Zoe doesn’t know when the last time she’d had this much fun was, probably her birthday with Evan. But this might be even better.</p>
<p>And she’s really sad when they eventually have to leave, because she wished this night could last forever, but the teachers call time and start turning on the lights, corralling students out the door. But on their walk to the car she remembers that she was going to have some alone with Evan. And she really wants that. The cherry on top to the best night of her life. </p>
<p>The drive back to their house is quiet, but not awkward and Zoe thinks that everyone was just tired. So she cuddles up next to Evan and lays her head on his shoulder, enjoying being close to him once more. And she can feel him relax into her too, and it just felt good knowing that he liked being this close too. </p>
<p>They say goodbye to Jared outside their house since he wasn’t staying over and Zoe reluctantly waves goodbye too, trying to be a little nicer. Turns out when he wasn’t coming after Evan, he wasn’t that bad to be around. Maybe she’d start being nicer to him. Maybe. </p>
<p>Once they get inside, Zoe squeezes Evan’s hand before letting him go, a reminder that she’d be right back, and her and Alana hurry up to her room to change into pajamas. And Zoe knows they should wash their faces and she should brush her hair out, but that would simply keep her away from Evan for too long, so she just takes her headband off and then her and Alana could brush their teeth before going back downstairs. Those were really the only two important things. </p>
<p>“Did you have fun tonight ‘Lana?” Zoe asks, using the few moments she had with Alana to check in with her too. </p>
<p>“Honestly, yeah. I didn’t get a chance to dance with Connor alone, but that’s okay because I think the both of us actually had a lot of fun, even with Jared too. But what about you Zo?” Alana asks, wiggling her eyes brows suggestively, clearly wanting to hear about her and Evan’s dance. </p>
<p>“Oh Alana, I can’t wait to tell you every detail, and I hope there’ll be more to the story soon, so let’s go downstairs,” Zoe tells her, unable to keep the excited squeals from her voice. She only had one step left in her plan for the night and she felt pretty good about it coming true. </p>
<p>They start laughing together as Alana gives her little claps of approval, clearly excited for Zoe too. And they quickly finish up in the bathroom and make their way downstairs to the living room where her, Connor, and Evan always had their sleepovers. </p>
<p>In the time that they’d been at the dance, Zoe’s mom had set up the living room, adding more pillows and blankets, some water bottles, and even a couple snacks, with a little note saying “in case you’re hungry, love mom”. It was really sweet and Zoe would thank her in the morning. </p>
<p>Unexpectedly, they find Evan already in there, sitting amongst the pillows and Zoe sees his bag off in the corner, which means he probably didn’t follow Connor to his room like he normally did. Weird. </p>
<p>But it probably wasn’t anything and at least it gave her the first chance to sit with him, in case Connor was in the mood to steal Evan away again. Alana sits in front of them, leading their little circle in more chatter about the dance, until Connor comes in and joins them. </p>
<p>He was in a seemingly much better mood, and Zoe’s really glad he ended up having a good time. She was still going to talk to him tomorrow and see if he wanted to plan something just for them, but for tonight, she didn’t need to worry so much about him. </p>
<p>At some point they put a movie on in the background and keep talking, but eventually, just as Zoe predicted, Connor and Alana fall asleep, leaving her and Evan alone. Exactly what she had wanted. </p>
<p>“Evan are you tired yet?” Zoe whispers, not wanting to wake her sleeping friends, not after she’d waited so patiently for them to fall asleep. </p>
<p>“Um, no not really,” Evan tells her, matching her hushed tones, probably wondering why Zoe hadn’t fallen asleep yet either.</p>
<p>“Want to join me on the couch, so we don’t wake them up?” Zoe asks him, standing up as she sees Evan nod, and offers him her hand to help him stand up. He takes it and Zoe doesn’t let go once they’re standing, simply uses it to lead Evan to the couch. They both sit down, and Zoe manages to sit as close as she can to him without being on top of him. </p>
<p>And Zoe had figured she was going to have to be the one to get the conversation going, like she normally did, but she’s pleasantly surprised when it’s Evan who starts, telling her sweetly, “You know I really thought you looked beautiful tonight Zoe. I should have you that more.” </p>
<p>“No, you didn’t need to, you told me in so many other ways, and I thought you looked beautiful too. Really, I did. I thought we made quite the pair Ev,” Zoe says, looking into Evan’s eyes dreamily, hoping he understood what she was implying. </p>
<p>“Um, um, yeah, but um, what…” Evan starts to say something and he seemed maybe a little nervous, but Zoe can really help it as she interrupts him, asking, “What if I kissed you right now?” </p>
<p>Evan clearly wasn’t expecting that from her and his eyes go wide, but it doesn’t deter her from asking him, “Would that be okay?”</p>
<p>She wasn’t getting quite the body language from him that made her think it’d be okay to kiss him without asking him, so she’d wait for his answer, bodily or otherwise. </p>
<p>Evan freezes, but not in the same wide-eyed way as before, and she sees him glancing between her eyes and her lips, and maybe he thought he was dreaming? He wasn’t, this was real life and she’d really asked him if she could kiss him. </p>
<p>After a beat of silence, the only sound being their rapidly beating hearts, Zoe watches as Evan’s eyes look a little glazed over, but he starts to nod, answering her question with a yes. Yes, he would be okay if she kissed him. </p>
<p>So Zoe moves closer to him, moving slowly, giving Evan a chance to pull away if he wanted to, but he doesn’t. Instead he leans into Zoe too, meeting her in the middle for their first kiss. When their lips meet, it’s somehow exactly what Zoe had expected but also so much better. </p>
<p>It wasn’t like fireworks, like in the movies. It was soft and sweet, and comforting, and felt so completely natural. Like it was happening exactly how it was meant to be. Kissing Evan was absolutely worth the wait. </p>
<p>And Zoe would be okay if they never stopped doing this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This has been the slowiest slow burn I've ever written for BandTrees and it's all cute and fluffy now...but the whole dance was from Zoe's POV which was intentional because next chapter we'll be checking in with Evan and his thoughts about everything. Stay tuned!!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. I'm Not A Princess, This Isn't A Fairytale</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan has a lot of feelings.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone! So this chapter is a little late again, but I think late Tuesday night (my time) will probably be when the remaining chapters are uploaded for this story. We have a bit to go, so don't worry! But I do want to apologize in advance if the chapters get a little shorter. I finally set a date for my thesis defense this week, which means I now have real deadlines and lots to cram in before May. But please don't ever think that this story will be abandoned, I would never. But that does mean possibly a later start on the new story too. But that will be a trilogy and will be coming, I swear!!! </p>
<p>Now about this chapter. I'm not super confident about the way it turned out, because I think it's a bit choppy and hinges on repetitive, but it's Evan's POV and he's not doing great, so maybe it works?  If you like it, let me know! But there is a scene that was one of the very first I thought of for this story which is I liked. But also remember how last chapter was really cute and fun? This one is definitely not. So yeah.... </p>
<p>As always, thank you so much for all the support for this story! It means so much to me that people are enjoying this story and I have a feeling this next few months will be really stressful with the thesis looming, but everyone here is so wonderful and it always cheers me up. So thank you sooooooo much!!!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan was screwed. Totally and completely fucked. He’d done some pretty terrible things before, but nothing compared to this. What was actually wrong with him? Well, he knew so many things were wrong with him, but how could he be this wrong? How could he have let himself do this and ruin every good thing in his life. Ruin Zoe? </p>
<p>He’d kissed her. He’d kissed his best friend, even after she’d given him the opportunity to say no. But he didn’t take it. He should have, but he didn’t. Instead he kept kissing her. Many, many times, because she kept initiating it. Zoe had <em>wanted</em> to keep kissing him.</p>
<p>And selfishly he wanted it too. He wanted to keep kissing her so badly that he just did it. Threw everything he’d been thinking out the window and just kissed her.  </p>
<p>It was so hard to tell himself that it had been wrong though, that he’d done a bad thing, because at the time it didn’t <em>feel</em> wrong. Kissing Zoe had felt so right, so wonderfully perfect, that he couldn’t stop. Their kisses were gentle and sweet, like they didn’t have to rush, like they were figuring everything out for the first time together, because they were. He wasn’t awkward and neither was she and he’d just felt so <em>happy</em>. </p>
<p>Being with Zoe the whole night, not just kissing her, had been everything he’d ever wanted since he’d first seen her on the first day of sophomore year, her very first day of high school. The day he’d fallen so hard that he never recovered. </p>
<p>But he’d been so blinded by the magic of it all, the whole night that just seemed to flow so beautifully (which now he knew it had been like that because the whole night had been carefully orchestrated), that he hadn’t thought about what came after, he hadn’t once thought about the consequences to his actions last night. </p>
<p>He’d let himself be swayed by Zoe’s beautiful presence since the moment she walked down the staircase. Hell, even before that when he’d run into in the hallway and caught a glimpse of her as she hurried into her room and she’d been so clearly flirting with him. And not like it was Zoe’s fault, it was his and his lack of self-control. He’d given into every little desire that he’d been trying to hard to stop himself from doing these last few weeks the second he laid his eyes on her. </p>
<p>He told himself to stop flirting, to stop doing anything that could be misinterpreted as more than friendly, and he’d done it, even though it had been incredibly hard to do, up until last night. And last night had been so <em>easy</em>. Being with Zoe was easy and everything else was hard. </p>
<p>And last night had felt even easier than normal because Zoe was intoxicating, and he’d felt like he was drunk on her the whole night. He didn’t know what it actually felt like to be drunk, but he was pretty sure the fuzzy, floaty delirium he felt last night was close it to. Holding her hand for the first time in weeks, dancing and holding her close, the way the blue of her dress matched him perfectly and the light fabric hung so delicately on her body, helping each other with the flowers, even when he felt anxious at the restaurant, it wasn’t for long because Zoe had been there. He hadn’t lied to her when he said the night was perfect because it had been. It had been the most perfect night of his life.  </p>
<p>And even feeling as terrible as he did now, he didn’t think any of it had been a mistake. He didn’t regret a single moment he’d spent with Zoe, and he’d probably do everything the exact same way again if he could. He’d choose this path, the one that led to Zoe, again and again. </p>
<p>Which was how he knew that he truly was an awful person, one of the very worst. He’d done a horrible thing and there wasn’t a fix for it. There wasn’t a fix for breaking your best friend’s heart.  </p>
<p>And there especially wasn’t a fix for kissing Zoe. He’d robbed her of having a special first kiss, an extra special memory. He’d taken that from her and now all she’d be left with was the memory of wasting her time and love on a horrible, horrible person. And he hated that. He hated that he did that to Zoe, when all he ever wanted was for her to be happy. He was never going to forgive himself for this, for everything he’d done to her, but never for this atrocity in particular. </p>
<p>Why had he done it though? Why had he been so stupid? So naïve? He’d done the worst possible thing he could think of, knew that it was horrible, still continued to do it, and now he knew without a doubt that it was going to hurt them all in the end. </p>
<p>He’d been awake for less than ten minutes and he was already hurting and that was his own pain, this wasn’t even counting the pain his friends would be experiencing. But this was just the beginning of <em>his</em> own hurt, he was aware it was going to get worse once his friends decided they figured everything out and decided they hated him. And that would be soon, he just knew it. </p>
<p>Because how could they not? He’d broken his promise to Connor, and he’d led Zoe on in the worst way possible. The two things he had no intention of doing until last night. God he was stupid. Why was he so fucked in the head? Why couldn’t he just manage being normal for one night? Being a good normal friend for <em>one</em> night? </p>
<p>Because if he was just normal, he wouldn’t be sitting in the dark amongst his sleeping friends, knowing that he was going to lose them all once they woke up. First, he would lose Connor and Zoe, and then Alana, and probably when the news of him being such a horrible person made its way to Jared, even Jared wouldn’t sit with him in the library anymore. He’d be all alone once again, the way he was meant to be. If he learned anything from this, it was that he shouldn’t have led <em>himself</em> on for this long, knowing that everything he’d experienced and wanted in the last three months was too good to be true. That it was all made up in his head.</p>
<p>Nothing had really changed from this summer and he’d just been in denial. And nothing ever would change. He’d never be close enough to Connor Murphy to be considered a brother, to have a best friend that he could trust whole heartedly, that would never falter. He’d never actually be with Zoe Murphy, the best person he’d ever met, have a reciprocal deep love that he could believe in. He’d never be as happy as he was last night ever again. </p>
<p>But maybe that was okay. It’s not like he deserved to be happy. He didn’t deserve anything. But Zoe, Connor, and Alana? They deserved the world. They were good people and he was nothing. </p>
<p>And maybe them hating him would end up being a good thing. Maybe they’d realize that he’d been holding them all back, that he didn’t fit in with them and never would. That he was just some poor charity case that they no longer would have to feel obligated to hang out with. They could move on and be free of him. They probably wanted that. He wanted to be free of himself too. </p>
<p>He supposes another good thing too was that him and Zoe never talked about them and what they might be last night. He doesn’t know what he would have told her under the influence, but it definitely would have hurt her more if they’d talked about the night and their kisses. Zoe had fallen asleep snuggled up next to him and he had too, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. </p>
<p>Until he woke up like two hours later in a cold sweat, realizing just exactly to what extent he’d fucked up. He wished he never woke up. Actually, he wished him and Zoe could just exist in the hour where they’d been alone, kissing and happy, illuminated by the dim glow of the TV, not thinking about anything except the feeling of being close to each other forever. </p>
<p>But they couldn’t and they never would again. Because soon everyone else would be up and he’d have to face them all. He’d have to face Zoe. And he’s not sure that he can. </p>
<p>What would he possibly tell her? How could he tell her? Even if ultimately he’d be saving her from hurting more, he was still going to have to hurt her. And nothing he’d be able to tell her about any of his feelings would ease her hurt. Everything would be painful and awful, but at least she’d probably decide that she hated him right then and there. Like ripping off a band-aid. </p>
<p>And that was just Zoe. At some point he’d have to face Connor too, who he absolutely knew was going to hate him. And get angry at him, probably yell and demand an explanation as to why he lied earlier about not having feelings for Zoe. There was no way Evan would be able to answer that either. </p>
<p>Evan had seen the way Connor had been watching them during everything, slyly trying to keep them apart. And he knew he was mad already. Which was why Evan didn’t even risk being alone with him last night and had both stored his bag and changed downstairs alone. And that was without Connor knowing they’d kissed. If Connor knew that, then Evan would probably be dead already. So he’d avoided Connor all last night, he’d been too much of a coward to see him, even more proof that he was a terrible person.</p>
<p>And if in some twist of fate where Zoe didn’t hate him right away (there was no way Connor wouldn’t), and they were together for just a little bit, he’d be forcing her to choose between him and Connor. Which would ruin their relationship and ultimately make her resent him. Even if it didn’t happen right away, it would, and Evan was absolutely sure about that.</p>
<p>Evan jumps a little as Zoe moves on his lap, shaking him out of his thought spiral to watch her. He’s not really sure how she ended up on his lap and he ended up in a more sitting position, but they must have fallen asleep like that. And Zoe looks so peaceful, holding tightly onto him, with her hair starting to fall out of the pretty way she’d done it for the dance and her make-up smudging just a bit. He gently moves a curl from her face, watching as her nose crinkles just a bit in her sleep. </p>
<p>It physically pains him to see her and be this close to her in a way he’d never ever thought he’d associate with Zoe Murphy. But he can’t move her, he doesn’t have the heart to. Was it really his heart or him being selfish again? Evan wasn’t really sure, but he’s at least glad she was able to sleep, that she could rest peacefully for just a little bit longer. He didn’t have that luxury and had woken up to the harsh reality of his life suddenly, and would probably never be able to go back to sleep.</p>
<p>Leaving him with only the option to sit there and think about what he’d done and what he might possibly tell Zoe. He’d hadn’t come up with anything and probably wouldn’t. Because again, what could he say to her once she woke up? </p>
<p>They couldn’t be together and if he said that then he was the one ending everything, he was the one breaking her heart. But if he told her they could try (even with the knowledge that he’d fuck it up eventually) Connor would end it before he could. Every option was a loss. Every single option had the same outcome. </p>
<p>The outcome he’d known about from the very start, which just circled him back to why he was even trying at all, why he even thought for a moment he was worth their time and effort. He really wasn’t. <br/>But he couldn’t stop trying to think of a way to do something. Maybe he could get away early in the morning and give himself time to think of a better plan. But if he suddenly left, Zoe would for sure know something was up, but he’d have to take that risk. </p>
<p>Because what was his other choice? Stay and what? Act like nothing happened last night to hide it from Connor, knowing that it would make Zoe feel really shitty? Or let them be all over each other, once again leading her to believing in something that would never be real for an extra day, which would also make her feel shitty and used. </p>
<p>The only somewhat decent option was to be alone to figure something out. Maybe more time was all he needed? He wasn’t planning on running away forever, but maybe he could have just one more day. Just like last time when he’d been abruptly confronted with all his feeling for Zoe courtesy of Connor. </p>
<p>Which maybe Connor was the answer? Maybe he could talk to Connor about everything? No, no, that wasn’t a good plan. Because he’d never admit it to Connor, but he was kind of scared of Connor’s reactions at this point. And he knew that wasn’t completely fair to Connor, who he knew was working really hard in therapy to control his anger and his emotions, but Evan still felt that way. </p>
<p>He’d already experienced one big blowout with the yelling and the fighting about the suits, and he didn’t want another. And even if that didn’t happen, the other time Connor confronted him, he ended up having a panic attack in their living room, which is also something he’d rather avoid. </p>
<p>And based on what he’d seen of Connor’s behaviors and moodiness from the dance, Evan just knew Connor wouldn’t take the news of him and Zoe well. Evan already felt horrible and he wouldn’t be able to handle Connor yelling at him too. He just didn’t have the mental and emotional bandwidth to carry that with him too. </p>
<p>So he couldn’t talk to Connor. </p>
<p>And it wasn’t like he could talk to Zoe about anything that wasn’t him telling her they couldn’t be together. Because if he did tell her everything that he was feeling, she’d eventually get it out of him that Connor was involved a little (and he didn’t want to throw Connor under the bus or blame him, especially since Evan was really the one to blame) and then she’d be furious with Connor. And Evan simply refused to be responsible for destroying their relationship again. He wouldn’t do it, even if that meant sacrificing both of his connections with them to save theirs. That was something he <em>would</em> do. </p>
<p>Even if it meant that everything good in his life would be gone and he would spiral out of control and be left in shambles. But honestly, when had his life <em>not</em> been in shambles besides these last three months? </p>
<p>Shouldn’t he be used to it by now? Shouldn’t he be used to the overwhelming sense of dread that accompanied his life? Shouldn’t he know that this time spent with Zoe and Connor, and more recently Alana was just a little blip, an anomaly that he was never supposed to have? This life was never meant him. He didn’t and would never deserve it. He wasn’t convinced of anything more true than that.  </p>
<p>Evan Hansen didn’t deserve it because he wasn’t a good person. But Zoe, Connor, and Alana? They were good people and they deserved the whole world. And he was going to try and give them that. It was the very least he could do after ruining their lives. </p>
<p>And the part making him feel the absolute worst was that he knew this would happen. He’d known since that very first day. Well, actually he hadn’t known about the stuff with Zoe (he didn’t and still really doesn’t believe that Zoe Murphy would ever like him the way he loved her), but he’d known, deep in his soul that when things ended it would be his fault. </p>
<p>He used to think about it everyday when they first started hanging out, wondering when it would happen, when he would mess things up beyond repair. When Connor and Zoe would leave him for good. Turns out it was today. </p>
<p>He hadn’t thought about it in a while, but he should have never stopped reminding himself of it. He should have prepared himself better. Should have never stopped telling himself that this would all end eventually. The dream he was living in wasn’t real. They weren’t his friends even if they thought that. </p>
<p>Because he’d tricked them, tricked them into thinking the person he was, was someone they could want around. But that wasn’t true. And it never would be. He tricked himself too though. He started believing all these magical things could happen to him and they can’t. </p>
<p>Evan can’t help himself as he glances down at Zoe again, admiring her. She was so wonderful and special and better in every way than what he used to imagine about her. He loved her so much, and had honestly thought that she was the person who would be <em>the one</em>. That one person who everyone dreams of meeting, their other half. But he knows how stupid that was to think now and looking at her makes him want to cry so he forces himself to look away and stare into the pale light the early morning was bringing instead. </p>
<p>It makes him think of this summer, how he used to think about her on the bad days, how on his very worst he’d spent the majority of his time thinking about Zoe. He remembered thinking what a good thing it was that they’d never met, that he never had the chance to ruin her life right before he let go of that branch. </p>
<p>God he wishes that were true. It had been so comforting then, knowing that there was this delightful, beautiful person out there who’s life wouldn’t be affected if he were gone, who would live on in ignorant bliss never having met him. Never seeing the mess he was.</p>
<p>But he’d ruined that too. He couldn’t even take that comfort anymore. </p>
<p>However, on the other hand, it felt equally soul crushing to denounce every incredible experience he had with her since she found him on the forest floor. Listening to her sing, going to the beach with her, losing laser tag with her as his partner, watching as she shined during half-time at the football games, her helping him quit his job at Ellison, holding her hand for the first time, laughing when she put her feet on him even though they were cold, picking out her necklace that he’d never seen her without. Every day with Zoe had been a gift. </p>
<p>But none of those memories would make up for the pain he was about to cause her. That would be what stood out in both their minds, nothing else. And he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to live with that. Maybe he wouldn’t. </p>
<p>All he did know though, right in this moment, was that he needed to figure out a way to go home. Make a more substantial short-term plan so he could figure out a better long term one. He knew too that all four of them had made plans today to keep hanging out. Breakfast, coffee, and studying he thinks, nothing too crazy. So he could probably get out of them, he just had to think. </p>
<p>Maybe he could use his mom as an excuse? Tell them all that she’d gotten home early and really wanted to see him? They all knew she was barely around, and that Evan typically wanted to spend more time with her, so it would make sense for him to leave to do that. None of them knew Heidi well enough to know that she’d never leave a shift early, let alone to come home and talk to Evan. But today that could work in his favor. </p>
<p>He could get home but also know that his mom wouldn’t actually be home too. Then he could just be alone and figure stuff out. Yeah, this was a good plan. He’d pretend he’d gotten a text from her or something and then just walk home. </p>
<p>But that was just his getaway plan, what was he going to do in the time between that and after everyone woke up? How was he supposed to interact with Zoe for even those ten minutes? </p>
<p>It wasn’t like he could hold her hand or kiss her in front of everybody, which after last night, is probably what Zoe thought. But he’d already decided that he couldn’t add to her pain by doing that, letting her believe that everything was fine when it was most definitely <em>not fine</em>. </p>
<p>Maybe he could give her a goodbye hug? Maybe that wouldn’t be too bad? Maybe it would only leave her a little confused. Or suspicious. Or confused and suspicious. Yeah most definitely both. But that was at least better than him actively denying her things like kisses, right? Hopefully.   </p>
<p>But in the end that was really still just tricking her and he didn’t want to do that…</p>
<p>Evan’s suddenly very aware of another sound, blankets rustling around and someone getting up. So he closes his eyes and quickly leans against the arm of the couch him and Zoe were sharing, pretending to sleep. It was a very weird position to be in to sleep, but hopefully no one thought too much about it. He couldn’t risk being alone with anyone right now, but especially not Connor and he really hopes it’s Alana who’s up. </p>
<p>In fact, he might pretend to be sleeping until everyone else was up, that way he’d never have to be alone with anyone, only his own thoughts. Yeah, that was a good plan too, at least the sleeping part, Evan didn’t really want to stay alone with his own thoughts, knowing very well where they’d lead. But he had no other choice. </p>
<p>Whoever is up clearly thinks he’s asleep and pays no attention to him, but Evan starts to feel an odd shaking sensation against his torso, and he realizes that whoever was up was trying to get Zoe up too. </p>
<p>And he knows it’s not Connor, that it must be Alana because he knows Connor would never shake Zoe, that it might make her wake up scared. He knew that too and knew that Zoe was okay when they pushed her gently when they were very clearly playing or like tickled her, but sometimes movements like that freaked her out when she wasn’t expecting them, so both he and Connor knew better than to do it. Alana just didn’t know that yet. </p>
<p>“Zoe, wake up,” he hears Alana whisper, shaking Zoe again, this time with a little more power. And he wishes he could tell Alana to stop, especially when he hears Zoe start to grumble a little, shifting around on his lap. But he doesn’t, he couldn’t give away the fact that he was very much awake.</p>
<p>But Alana keeps shaking her, trying to wake her up, which reminds Evan that Alana’s first time sleeping over with them was tonight, so she also had no clue how hard it was to wake up a sleeping Zoe Murphy, shaking or not. Zoe was pretty stubborn and mostly when she didn’t want to wake up, which was most of the time.</p>
<p>“Zoe, come on,” Alana tries again, just a little louder, clearly still unaware that Evan was awake. Good, he was keeping his cover. </p>
<p>“Nooooooo,” Evan hears Zoe whine, and start to tighten her hold on him, snuggling in more into his lap, which was making it extremely difficult to keep pretending. But Alana was focusing all her attention onto Zoe, not on him so at least he had that.</p>
<p>“Zoe, yes, so we can go talk before the boys wake up, come on,” Alana tells Zoe, giving her one more shake. What would they talk about? Were they going to talk right next to Evan? Because he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up this sleeping charade if they were right next to him.</p>
<p>“Ughhhhhh,” Zoe groans, but Evan does feel her start to get up, putting less of her weight on him, and he hears her say sleepily, “You’re lucky you’re one of my best friends Alana.”</p>
<p>“I know, I know, but come on, let’s go to your room to talk,” Alana says, and Zoe must nod or something because Evan doesn’t hear anything and feels Zoe get off him completely. But he does start to hear faint giggles, and the sound of them walking up the stairs, presumably off to Zoe’s room like Alana had suggested.</p>
<p>And now he’s curious about what they’d be talking about. Him? The dance? Would Zoe tell Alana about them kissing? Yeah probably, because Evan knows that if things were different with Connor, he’d be the first person Evan wanted to tell about anything cute or romantic. And Zoe had no idea about what Evan was going to do, so it made sense that she was excited to tell Alana, her best girl friend.</p>
<p>But now he knew absolutely that Alana would hate him too. Like he knew that was true no matter what, but he did have the slimmest hope that maybe since they weren’t as close to Alana that she wouldn’t understand all the way, that maybe she’d be willing to just say hi to him at school sometimes. But there was no way that was happening now, not when she so clearly would stand by Zoe. </p>
<p>And Evan understood that. He didn’t blame Alana. And at least Zoe would have her when it all went down, that was at least a little comforting. Zoe would have her brother and a best friend to lean on. </p>
<p>Evan wasn’t sure what to do now since unless they came back, him and Connor were alone together. Connor was sleeping currently, but who knew for how long. And Evan was a little scared of being alone together, even if they were “sleeping”, figuring that if they were alone, the minute Connor woke up he might start yelling at him.</p>
<p>But if Evan kept pretending to sleep, Connor probably wouldn’t do anything, even if he was upset. Just like how they both knew to not shake Zoe, they both knew that neither one of them traditionally slept that great and if they were asleep to leave them be. Evan hopes Connor would stick to that and wouldn’t try to “wake” him either. </p>
<p>So sleep avoidance was Evan’s best bet for the moment. So, he just kind of lays down a little bit on the couch and keeps his eyes closed, doing his best to keep his breathing even, like he was sleeping. </p>
<p>And it must work, because no one does anything to him, but it also meant that he couldn’t really tell what time it was, based on the sun or on his phone. He hopes enough time has passed that it wouldn’t be weird for him to leave soon. Something he never thought he’d think about being at the Murphy’s house. </p>
<p>Eventually, he hears Alana and Zoe come back down and they’re both laughing, both sounded really happy, and it makes him feel horrible. The worst he’d felt all night. And he wishes he never had to wake from his pretend sleep, that he could just stay on the Murphy’s couch until he wasted away. Disappeared slowly into the ether. </p>
<p>But shortly after he hears Zoe and Alana, Evan starts to hear a new sound, the muffled voice of Connor, which tells him Connor was up and all three of them were trying to not wake Evan up. Connor obviously woke up much quieter than Alana, because Evan hadn’t heard him at all. And at least he’d been right thinking that Connor wouldn’t try to wake him up. </p>
<p>But it didn’t really matter if Evan was right or wrong or knew anything about any of the people in the room with him. Their friendships would be over soon. He supposes he should “wake-up” because of that. It would be cowardly of him to wait any longer, considering his plan was ultimately to wait longer to ruin their lives. He shouldn’t do it twice. </p>
<p>He just really hopes that Connor didn’t try to single him out and Zoe didn’t try to be too cuddly and Alana didn’t try to get him to say anything about the dance. He really hopes that nothing happens, that everything is just boring so he can leave in like five minutes once his mom “texted him”.  </p>
<p>“Oh Evan, good you’re up,” Evan hears Connor say louder, and Evan must have been moving more since he heard them talking. Well, at least his next move was going to be getting up. What he did from there, he wasn’t quite sure. But he couldn’t keep pretending to sleep anymore.</p>
<p>“Yes, Evan finally. Mom’s making waffles and we were just saying we should go get coffees before they’re done,” Zoe tells him cheerily, coming to sit next to him on the couch, but not doing anything else out of the ordinary for a morning of a sleepover. That was a good thing for Evan to cling to. </p>
<p>“Um, okay,” Evan agrees, but only because he knew it would just be easier to go along with coffees than try to leave now. Then they would all know something was wrong. Then they all would question him. And he’d break down, probably start to cry and inadvertently make them feel bad for him when they should be feeling the opposite. Best to just not say anything and agree. </p>
<p>“Well, let’s go then,” Connor says, waving for them all to follow him even though they were all still in their pajamas and they’d only been up for a little bit. Well technically only Evan had just “woken up”, he didn’t actually know how long everyone else had been up. Hopefully not too long and hopefully they weren’t waiting for him. He hated thinking that he might be annoying them without meaning to. He didn’t want to add annoyance on top of hate. They were different, but annoyed was something he could fix. </p>
<p>And he’d never fix this chaos he’d created. </p>
<p>Everyone follows Connor out to his car and Evan tries his best to go slowly, somewhat attempting to avoid Zoe without making it obvious that he was doing it. But it doesn’t work at all, because seconds after they’re both standing, Zoe loops their arms together like they’d done most of the night before. And he thinks he might pass out right there on the spot. Die of a heart attack even though he was only seventeen.</p>
<p>He immediately starts to tense up though without thinking about it and that was the wrong thing to do because Zoe notices his weird behavior right away. And her solution to him freaking out was to try and grab his hand, like she normally would, like she’d done all the previous night, but Evan can’t let her do that. He can’t. </p>
<p>So he just pulls her elbow in tighter, keeping them looped, hoping that was better than actually holding hands. Zoe looks at him strangely and it makes him feel really horrible, but she doesn’t say anything, continuing on to Connor’s car. </p>
<p>It refuels all of Evan’s racing thoughts from before about how awful he was. How he was planning on blindsiding his best friend, wrecking his relationships with his other two friends, cutting himself off entirely from the one good thing he had. </p>
<p>Evan’s so lost in his own head he doesn’t even notice that Connor doesn’t say anything to him or to Zoe as they’re walking. In fact, Connor doesn’t even stop his conversation with Alana as she climbs into the front seat, what was normally Evan’s spot. But Evan for sure notices that because he was planning on sitting there, curling up into himself up front and not doing anything for whatever amount of time they were gone. </p>
<p>Did Connor not care that him and Zoe would be in the back? Evan knew he did, he tried to make sure it didn’t happen last night with Jared, but Zoe had interfered before he could do something. So why was he acting like it wasn’t a big deal? Was he waiting to be alone with Evan again before yelling at him? Was he going to yell at Zoe if Evan left her? What was going on? </p>
<p>Evan tries to take a few shaky breaths, trying to calm himself down a little and Zoe starts rubbing her thumb back and forth on his arm, obviously thinking once again that it might help him for whatever unknown reason he was freaking out for. But the only thing her sweet little gesture does is solidify the idea of him needing to leave. As soon as he could. </p>
<p>Zoe would be fine; Connor would leave her alone if Alana was with her. And even if he did, Zoe could stick up for herself, he’d seen her do it. He wouldn’t be able to stand up to Connor or bear to watch Zoe try to stand up for him. He couldn’t do. He couldn’t do anything. </p>
<p>Evan stays quiet all of the trip, only speaking up to quietly say he didn’t want anything and continues to let Zoe try to comfort him, even thought it doesn’t work. He even turns down her drink when she offers it to him, something he hadn’t really done in a long time. </p>
<p>And Zoe completely knows something was wrong but doesn’t call him out on it. But she looks so conflicted, like she wanted nothing more than to figure out what was happening and fix it for him. She wanted to talk to him and help him, be the one who could do that for him. </p>
<p>But all it does is make him want to cry again. </p>
<p>Evan manages not to start crying, but by the time they get back to the Murphy’s, it feels like it’s been an eternity, not the twenty minutes he knew it was. This was too much. Too overwhelming and nothing would help except leaving. </p>
<p>Once again he moves slowly, letting Alana and Connor get slightly ahead of him and Zoe to give Cynthia and Larry their drinks in the other room and when him and Zoe are alone-ish, he grabs his phone and without letting her see, unlocks it and pretends that he was getting a text. </p>
<p>Zoe waits for him, watches him stare at his phone, until he finally tells her, “So, um, my, um mom just t-texted me she um, she got off work early and she, she wants me to come home to um, to see her. So I should, um I should go home.” </p>
<p>His tone and obvious struggle to get the words out definitely makes Zoe more worried than she already was and Evan can tell by her taking a few little steps closer to him and her gently setting her hands on his forearms, keeping him close, but also giving him that little bit of space he so desperately wanted.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Zoe says, disappointed that he wanted to leave, even if it was for an allegedly good reason. But she perks up just a touch and tells him, “Well, I can drive you home.” </p>
<p>“No, no, it’s okay Zo. You should go eat breakfast, the waffles and um, everything,” Evan says trying to get out of being alone in the car with her. The place that used to be his most favorite in the whole world. And Zoe just looks so <em>sad</em> at the idea of him not wanting to drive with her that he quickly spews out the lie, speaking way too fast to be really understood, “And also my mom said she was super close to here that she’d just meet me nearby, mostly so you and Connor wouldn’t have to drive me around.” </p>
<p>And he shouldn’t have tried to lie because Zoe doesn’t believe it at all, it was like she knew Heidi would never say or do anything like that. But she doesn’t fight him on it, only continues to look sad, not understanding what was going on with him. </p>
<p>She was probably wondering where the boy she kissed last night was, why he wasn’t that Evan right now. And he wasn’t ready to tell her that that Evan, the one who danced with her and held her hand tightly and picked out flowers for her and cared so much about her was gone. Dead. Never to return. </p>
<p>“Okay, if that’s what you want. I just wish you were staying longer,” Zoe tells him, looking up at him through her eyelashes, like a plea to just stay with her for a little longer. And yeah, if he lived in a parallel universe, he’d wish for that too. He’d wish that he’d never have to leave her. He wanted nothing more than to stay with her, to keep her happy, but he knew he’d never actually be able to do that for her. He’d fall short every time, just like right now. </p>
<p>“Me too,” Evan says softly before he can stop himself. All he was doing was digging himself deeper, but he also just didn’t know what to say to her. He didn’t want Zoe for even a second to think she’d done anything wrong, she hadn’t. The only thing wrong with them was him.</p>
<p>“Okay, have fun with your mom,” Zoe tells him sadly, dropping her hands from his arms and looking down at the floor quickly before adding, “But I’ll pick you up tomorrow? For school?” </p>
<p>Evan hadn’t even thought about the fact that him and Zoe drove to school together on Mondays. And Tuesdays. And every single day of the week. He hadn’t factored that into his horrible plan of what he was going to tell her tomorrow and he can’t really think of anything on the spot, so he just agrees, telling her, “Um, yeah, totally.” </p>
<p>Zoe gives him a small smile, probably hoping that whatever was going on with him would be fixed by tomorrow, but Evan knew. Evan knew all too well that it was only going to get worse. Evan doesn’t return her smile, instead turns from her to grab his overnight bag that had his suit folded nicely and his boutonniere gently tucked away inside, where they’d probably stay forever. He wouldn’t have use for an overnight bag soon anyway, let alone the beautiful clothes Zoe and Cynthia had so lovingly picked for him. </p>
<p>Evan’s not expecting to Zoe to actually grab his hand, squeezing it one last time, giving him one more chance to tell her what was wrong or maybe to reassure her that everything was really okay. He can’t really tell and he can’t bring himself to lie to her one more time, so he just lets go of her hand and gently shakes his head “no”. </p>
<p>He doesn’t wait to see Zoe’s reaction, just walks away and out of their house without even saying goodbye to Alana or Connor who had happily been making waffle plates in the room over, oblivious to what was happening with Evan and Zoe. </p>
<p>Evan can’t believe he just left Zoe there, confused and alone, two things he never wanted her to feel. He never wanted this to happen. He didn’t think it would go this far. He never meant to make it such a mess. </p>
<p>But he had and there was nothing he could do about it now.</p>
<p>Evan felt like someone had punched him in the gut and he wishes someone really had. He would welcome the physical pain if it took away the emotional pain he was feeling. He thought he deserved to feel both pains for what he’d done. For what he was going to do. </p>
<p>He walks all the way to his house in a bit of a daze and luckily his mom isn’t home. He wouldn’t be able to talk about the dance with her, knowing that’s what she would want. He was positive he’d burst into tears the moment anyone brought up the dance ever again. </p>
<p>Actually he felt like crying right now. So he lets himself. </p>
<p>Evan tucks himself into his bed and just lets all the tears he’d been holding back since he’d woken up flow freely, holding his pillow close to him. He instinctively rolls away from his window, deciding the light coming in was too bright, but he comes face-to-face with the frame he’d bought on Zoe and Connor’s birthday trip, filled with a picture of the three of them that he’d specifically set on his nightstand a couple weeks ago. </p>
<p>He turns back to the light and just cries harder. </p>
<p>=</p>
<p>Evan doesn’t know when he stops crying, but eventually he does, and he almost misses it. At least crying felt like something, right now he felt like nothing. Numb to the world. </p>
<p>When he stops crying, he replaces the activity with staring at the wall blankly all day long. He was sure the whole day passed, because eventually the sun the sets and his room become dark again. But Evan hasn’t moved from his bed all day. </p>
<p>And he’s not even productive with the alone time he wanted so much this morning. He doesn’t feel any closer to figuring out what to tell Zoe, he just felt dead inside, like his brain couldn’t string together a cohesive thought. </p>
<p>He does check his phone once after hearing it vibrate for almost an hour straight, and he sees texts from Zoe, both personally and to one of their chats, texts from Connor with the same, some from Alana in the group chat, and even a few from Jared. He doesn’t open any of them and just turns his phone to actually silent. Then he proceeds to just lay there, doing nothing. Well, he did kind of feel like vomiting, but not even that drags him from his bed. </p>
<p>Around midnight (probably, he didn’t actually look) he hears his mom come home and go into her own room, not bothering to check on Evan at all. He’s not sure if that makes him feel better or worse though. Maybe better because at least his mom was acting normal. </p>
<p>Sometime in the early morning, after having been awake for more than twenty-four hours straight, Evan finally falls asleep from pure exhaustion, but at least welcomes the change. When he was sleeping, he didn’t have to be consciously numb, he just got to be numb on purpose. </p>
<p>But then Evan’s woken up abruptly from his tumultuous slumber by his mom surprisingly, who he didn’t really see that often in the morning. But she must have known something was off, because there she was, rocking him lightly, telling him, “Evan if you don’t get up, you’re going to be late to school.” </p>
<p>School. Evan wouldn’t be able to do school today. There was no way he had any capability to make it through an entire day of school or a whole car ride with Zoe or spend the whole afternoon with Connor. Maybe he could stay in his bed forever, never go into the outside world again. </p>
<p>His mom definitely wouldn’t go for that, but she might let him miss one day, so he tells her, “I’m sick Mom, I shouldn’t go to school.” </p>
<p>Heidi, in typical mom fashion, gently places her hand on his forehead, trying to tell if he had a fever or not, and determines he doesn’t saying, “You don’t have a fever bud, are you sure you’re sick?” </p>
<p>For just this once Evan wants his mom to just <em>understand</em>, without him having to explain it all. He wishes she could see that mental and emotional symptoms were just as important as physical ones, but she probably never would. And she definitely wouldn’t let him stay home without one, even if he felt like he was going to die, so he decides to just lie to her, telling her, “I feel awful and I threw up like three times last night. Maybe it’s just a bug, but I really can’t go to school.” </p>
<p>“Well okay, but just for today. Let me get you some medicine,” Heidi says, getting up off his bed, only to come back in a few minutes with a bottle of Gatorade and some acetaminophen. </p>
<p>“I know you don’t have a fever, but think about taking it anyway, just in case. And drink this whole bottle and some water, you’re probably dehydrated,” Heidi tells him, and he nods at her, pretending to listen and to care. He didn’t need medicine to feel better, he needed something his mom would never be able to give him. </p>
<p>“I hope you feel better love,” Heidi says, sitting close to him again and brushing his bangs back with some difficulty. He’d forgotten he’d put this like gel stuff in his hair for the dance and obviously never washed it out, leaving his hair crunchy and gross. But it doesn't seem to stop his mom from petting his head reassuringly, adding, “And I’ll be home tonight and maybe if you feel better, you can tell me about the dance, show me the pictures?” </p>
<p>Evan just nods at her again, not having the strength to tell her that would never happen, that he didn’t want to ever think about the fall formal ever again. He turns away from her and back to his pillows, clinging to them like they might help somehow. At least they help in making his mom go away, because Evan feels her get off his bed again, give him one last pat to his shoulder and then she leaves. </p>
<p>And he remembers suddenly that he told Zoe she could pick him up today which could not happen, mostly because he couldn’t bear to be even shittier to her than he was yesterday, so he texts her, </p>
<p><b>7:42 A.M. Evan Hansen:</b> Hey Zo, I’m really sick and have been throwing up all night I’m not going to school today</p>
<p>Evan decides to use the same lie he told his mom, figuring it was the easiest explanation for his weird behavior. And he figures Zoe might not believe him, not after he’d been so terrible to her yesterday, but maybe she might. </p>
<p>It doesn’t take long for Zoe to text back, and Evan considers not reading it, but he felt bad that he didn’t read or respond to her texts yesterday and maybe he wanted to make himself feel worse, he didn’t really know, but he opens her message anyway, </p>
<p><b>7:44 A.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> Okay, I miss you though <br/><b>7:44 A.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> And I hope you feel better 😘<br/><b>7:45 A.M. Zoe Murphy:</b> I’ll bring your assignments to you after band and check on you too </p>
<p>Zoe’s messages do make him feel worse, because now he knew she believed him and thought being sick was the reason he was being all weird, even though it wasn’t. And she was being so sweet and flirty and cared so much about him even though he gave her no reason to. And he can’t even bring himself to text her back, all he can do is stare at the little kissing emoji and miss her. </p>
<p>Evan decides he has to tell her today, no matter what. He couldn’t put it off any longer. Because the longer he did that, the more he’d end up hurting her. And he did want to minimize hurting her as much as possible. He knew he wouldn’t be able to completely and the urge to comfort her and make her happy would be strong, but he had to. </p>
<p>He had to tell her that they couldn’t date and that he understood she wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore. He knew what it meant to give her up. That he’d end up more alone than he’d ever been before. That he’d return to be the kid who just disappeared into the background. The kid who got made fun of because he was stupid and couldn’t talk right. The kid who climbed a tree this summer with every intention of letting go. </p>
<p>Because all that would be better than hurting the person he loved the most in the world even more. He wouldn’t do that to Zoe. </p>
<p>But Evan takes a little comfort in knowing that Zoe’s initial hurt would be short lived. She wouldn’t be upset for too long. She’d be okay soon and she had Alana and Connor to talk to and to see. And she’d see eventually that she was better off. </p>
<p>Zoe would be okay, no matter how he was doing, he was sure of it. </p>
<p>Evan pretty much does the same thing he’d done the day before, lay in his bed and wallow in despair. He doesn’t eat or shower, but he does manage to drink a little bit of the Gatorade his mom brought him, which he supposes is a step up from yesterday.</p>
<p>Late into the afternoon Evan hears a knocking on the door and he can only assume it was Zoe, coming over after band let out. But he can’t bring himself to get up and actually go let her in, which he knew was terrible, but he simply can’t. So he texts her, telling her the door was unlocked, which he didn’t know for sure, but his mom almost always forgot, leaving him responsible for double and triple checking, something he hadn’t done today. </p>
<p>He hears the front door open and close and soon enough Zoe Murphy is in his room, looking cute as ever, but very clearly concerned by Evan’s dismal appearance, telling him, “Oh Ev, you really are sick, you must feel awful.” </p>
<p>The way she says it lets him know that she hadn’t fully believed him this morning but was hoping he was telling the truth. And now it looked like he was because he definitely looked like shit. Not eating or sleeping for two days would probably do that. And he’s such a terrible person that he can’t even manage to say anything to her, to clear up that he wasn’t really sick, just a bad person. </p>
<p>“I’m going to stay, and I bet you haven’t eaten anything, so I’ll make some toast. And then some more blankets or something warm. Then we can watch a movie or something, how does that sound?” Zoe asks him, already launching herself into taking care of him like the sweet lovely person she was. This was going to be so much harder than Evan thought.</p>
<p>“No, I don’t think so Zoe,” Evan says sadly, not really looking at her and staying curled into his pillows. He didn’t know if he could say what he knew he needed to if he could see the look on her face.</p>
<p>“That’s okay, we can just cuddle and I’ll tell you about school,” Zoe tells him starting to crawl into his bed, probably with the intent of moving Evan to her lap to pet his hair lovingly and comfort him, something she did all the time. </p>
<p>But Evan can’t let her get that close, show him that amount of affection because she didn’t know, she didn’t understand what was about to happen. So he sits up and stops her, keeping her facing toward him in a very non-cuddly position and Zoe leans back on her knees, very confused as to why Evan would stop her. </p>
<p>“Zoe, we have to talk,” Evan says darkly, still not brave enough to look her in the eye. He was such a terrible person that he couldn’t even give her that level of respect. But she’d learn that soon. </p>
<p>“About what? Yesterday? Evan’s it's totally fine, you were obviously feeling sick and didn’t want the rest of us to worry, but you could’ve told me. It would’ve been okay,” Zoe tells him gently, still believing that lie that he’d been sick, that that was the reason he was acting weird. </p>
<p>"No, Zo, that’s not it. I did a h-horrible thing, at um, the, um the d-dance. And I think—I didn’t, I should have stopped you. And now, now all I’m g-going to do is hurt you,” Evan says and he knows it sounds incoherent, but right now he felt incoherent, and that was all he could really manage to get out. </p>
<p>“Evan what? I don’t understand. Are you talking about us being together? I know we didn’t talk about it, but we can take it slow, as slow as you need, I promise. That won’t hurt me. And I’m sorry if I hurt you by rushing you or pressuring you to kiss me. I really am sorry, I never meant for that,” Zoe tells him so earnestly that he has to look at her and the sight he sees breaks his heart. So much that he has to look down at his lap again. </p>
<p>Zoe thought it was her fault he was acting this way because she asked to kiss him. She’d done everything right and not once did he feel pressured by her. He’d made that decision and now he had to live with the consequences. But he didn’t want Zoe to think she’d done something wrong, so he tries to fix that at least, telling her, “No you didn’t. You didn’t do anything wrong; I swear Zoe.” </p>
<p>“Then I’m really confused Evan. Do you think that kissing me was a mistake?” Zoe says her voice filled with all the hurt Evan knew was coming, but somehow still wasn’t prepared for.</p>
<p>“No, I don’t. I really like you, and um, but, um,” Evan starts thinking he should maybe tell some of the truth even if it wasn’t the whole truth, but he doesn’t get to finish because Zoe interrupts him, her tone edging on angry, saying, “But what? What was it then? If it wasn’t a mistake, then why are you doing this? I don’t understand, why are you saying you <em>will</em> hurt me, when this is hurting me, right now.” </p>
<p>“I’m not trying to, I don’t know,” Evan limply tries to defend himself because he knew Zoe was right. He knew he was hurting her right now, but this felt like his only option. And did it even really matter? They’d be here at some point regardless. </p>
<p>“That’s not an answer Evan,” Zoe says firmly in a voice he’d never heard her use on anyone, but especially not him. And he doesn’t look, but he knows if did, he’d see the steely resolve in her green eyes. Stubborn until the very end, the Zoe Murphy way. </p>
<p>“We, we, we can’t do this,” Evan tells her, and he can feel himself start to tear up. And he’d thought after yesterday his body was all cried out, but apparently not. But he thinks letting her see him cry would just upset Zoe more, so he tries his best to hold them back. </p>
<p>“We can’t what? Be together? Be happy together? You make me happy Evan and I thought I made you happy too,” Zoe says leaning away from the anger and more towards desperation. Maybe she knew yelling at him would be like kicking him further into a corner.</p>
<p>“You do. You’re the best thing in my life,” Evan whispers like maybe if she didn’t hear him all the way it wouldn’t make it true. Zoe was absolutely the best thing in his miserable excuse of a life, but it was because of that he was doing this, he was protecting her from himself. So that he didn’t ruin her life too. </p>
<p>“Then what’s the problem? Because I don’t see one. I’ve liked you for so long and finally go for it and I know you’ve felt that way too, so give me a real explanation,” Zoe says firmly like she wasn’t going to let Evan get away with the shit he was trying to pull right now.</p>
<p>“Because everything would ch-change and that would be b-bad and all of it, it, it doesn’t even matter though, because, because you’ll be okay no m-matter what. Even if we, if we were together, when we inevitably break-up, wh-which I know we would, because I’ll r-ruin it somehow. I’ll be all alone but you’ll be okay,” Evan says, doing his best to explain everything without explaining anything, which wasn’t fair to Zoe. But he already knew all the outcomes, so did the way they got there really matter? </p>
<p>“I’ll be okay? Are you joking?” Zoe says angrily, getting up from the bed, probably finally realizing that she didn’t want to be near him. That she was finally done with him. But she doesn’t leave, she starts to pace in the same way that Connor did and continues, raising her voice at him, saying, “You don’t get to decide how I’d feel Evan. I wouldn’t be okay. I would be <em>devastated</em> if I lost you. And I’m not okay right now.” </p>
<p>“I, I, I, um, I don't know,” Evan can’t even figure out a response to that and can feel himself retreating inward the angrier Zoe got. He pulls his knees in close to his chest and hopes that being smaller, taking up less space will somehow make him magically disappear from this situation. He never thought Zoe would be the one who yelled at him. He’d been afraid of Connor, but he shouldn’t have assumed, and Zoe had a right to be mad. He was doing the absolute worst thing to her right now.</p>
<p>“Well I do know, and I know this isn’t you. You can have Connor take you to school tomorrow or whatever. And I guess, let me know when the real Evan is back, because whoever this is, isn’t him,” Zoe says, gesturing at the mess that Evan was on the bed, while looking for her bag that she’d set down carelessly when she thought he’d been sick and had been eager to come to him. </p>
<p>But he can’t let her leave on that note, wondering when the real him would be back. This <em>was</em> the real him. He’d just never clued her into how terrible he actually was until now, so he tells her quietly, “This is the real me. I’m not a good person Zoe, and I’m sorry I tricked you into thinking I was one. I tricked everyone.” </p>
<p>“No, just no. You might not be acting like yourself right now, but you are a good person Evan, one of the best. But I can’t stay here and watch you self-destruct; watch you throw away everything we could be. Like I said, when the real Evan is back, let me know,” Zoe says, wiping away her tears that had started to fall as she walked right out of his room. And he didn’t blame her, she just didn’t understand. And she probably never would. </p>
<p>But it doesn’t change the fact that he feels like he just made the worst mistake of his life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Evan's real sad and truly not making good decisions because he's convinced himself it's the only way. And also this is the very first time I've ever written BandTrees fighting so that was new and hopefully not terrible. Just had to add a splash of angst before the last chunk of the story...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. I Can't Make It Go Away By Making You a Villain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Connor has some epiphanies and he talks with Evan.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!!! So recently we've had chapters all from Zoe's and Evan's point of views and now it's Connor's?!?!? I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not and this is definitely the longest I've written from Connor's POV and it might be a little off, but the Connor in this story is softer and I don't know, more forgiving? However there are some parts, where in typical Connor fashion, he's completely oblivious to many things, but he does make some good conclusions about other stuff so it's a give and take. And like half of it is in the past tense since we left off with Zoe and Evan after school on Monday, but I wanted to include Connor's thoughts about the formal. Anyway, I hope you like it! </p>
<p>An amazing, wonderful, huge thank you to every lovely reader! You are truly the best and it's everything to me how much support this story gets! I appreciate every comment, kudos, bookmark and read! Thank you!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Connor couldn’t help but feel pretty good about most things in his life right now. He was getting closer to finishing his applications for art school, he’d finished all his make-up modules, so he knew for sure he’d be graduating with Evan and Alana, and most importantly, he’d been totally wrong about the fall formal. </p>
<p>Well, mostly wrong. He still thought the decorations and the other students that had been there were pretty lame, but the entire night hadn’t been. He’d actually had a lot of fun, something he wasn’t expecting at all. </p>
<p>Because leading up to it and almost the whole night, he’d been really annoyed at the way Evan and Zoe had been acting. Focusing only on each other, leaving him, Alana, and Jared out of everything. Staring at each other and blushing. Whispering to each other. All of it had been nauseating. </p>
<p>So he’d done his best to put an end to it. He interrupted them, tried to pull Evan into pictures with him, tried to manipulate the seating arrangements, but none of it had worked. And that was mostly because of Zoe, easily figuring out ways around it. Connor knows for a fact Evan didn’t have anything to do with actively going against his plans because he’d seemed dazed the whole night, just going along with whatever Zoe wanted because she was asking him for it. Which was mostly normal to begin with, but the night of the dance it just felt <em>different</em>. </p>
<p>And at first Connor had thought it was because Evan had promised him that nothing was going on between them and Connor had believed him. That he was just being paranoid and looking too deep into things, and in the moment it had felt like betrayal, like Evan had lied to him and had been plotting the whole time. But after Connor had thought about it for a little bit, without immediately jumping at Evan, he’d come to the conclusion that at the time, Evan had meant it, that he really hadn’t been lying. But now, Connor was pretty sure that Evan had no idea just how in love he was with Zoe. But it had become painfully obvious that night. </p>
<p>Mostly because Connor had spent a good chunk of the night dead set on keeping them apart (which Zoe, in her annoying little sister way, had ruined), but it meant that all he really ended up doing was <em>watching</em> them. </p>
<p>Connor saw exactly how Evan and Zoe interacted with each other. The way Evan turned to her when he didn’t know something, like it was instinctual. The way Zoe could read him instantly, knowing exactly when he needed help and when he needed her to back off (Connor at one point thought he was going to have to pull Zoe off of Jared, she’d been that close to lunging at him). The way they were both so gentle with each other. The way Evan held doors open for her, helped her with her dress, making sure it didn’t get dirty. Hell, even the way they gave each other the stupid flowers had been cute, even if Connor hadn’t wanted to admit it. </p>
<p>Evan was so <em>nice</em> to Zoe and clearly cared about her so much. Like more than Connor had thought was possible. </p>
<p>And wasn’t that exactly the kind of person he wanted for Zoe? For his little sister? </p>
<p>He’d even thought about it before, describing Evan as the perfect person for Zoe, but at the time hadn’t realized and thought it was going to be weird and the worst thing possible. But honestly, he did want someone exactly like Evan to be with Zoe if she was ready to date. </p>
<p>From a big brother standpoint, it meant that Connor knew with certainty that Evan would never hurt her. Evan would never pressure her or force her into doing something she didn’t want to do. Connor would never have to worry about his sister being with some creep who he hated like that boy she’d gone to the movies with her freshman year.  </p>
<p>Because he didn’t hate Evan. Far from it. Evan was his best friend and he cared about him a lot. And he cared about Zoe a lot. And he just needed to remember that they cared too, about each other and about him.  </p>
<p>He’d thought for sure the dance would prove his point from before, what he’d told Evan the first time he’d confronted him about Zoe. But it hadn’t. The only thing the dance had really done was convince him that there really wasn’t anyone better for his little sister than Evan, that they really were cute together, just like Alana had said. </p>
<p>But he hadn’t felt that right away, it had taken him some time to get there and a lot of thinking. Because during most of the night he’d felt really on edge, constantly waiting for them to sneak off, to leave the whole group (who for the most part both of them had been interacting with like normal), never to return or be heard from again, probably like making out in the dark corner or something just as bad.</p>
<p>Then it <em>had</em> happened. They did sneak off together. </p>
<p>Well they hadn’t exactly snuck off, Zoe had asked Evan right in front of everyone to dance, but still, it felt like his point was being made right before his very eyes. Connor had been almost irate and had been super close to stepping in and telling them they couldn’t dance together. </p>
<p>And then Evan looked to him and Connor hadn’t ever really seen him that terrified. He was scared of him and how he would react and that had instantly cooled Connor down. He’d felt horrible that he’d done that to Evan, so he tried to look reassuring and eventually Evan took Zoe’s offered hand and they walked off. </p>
<p>He’d been working a lot with Dr. Darren on figuring out what exactly he was feeling at times and how to express it and that’s what he’d tried to channel to not get angry at Evan or Zoe, to not ruin their night by reacting so badly that Evan was scared to say yes to one dance with her.</p>
<p>Dr. Darren told him he didn’t have to hide from his emotions or whatever he was feeling at the time, he was allowed to feel hurt, he was allowed to feel angry, but he wasn’t allowed to cover those up with blind rage. He needed to look deeper than the wrath and see what was really bothering him underneath it all. </p>
<p>And Saturday night, sitting at the round table with stupid confetti and cheap plastic tablecloths with his friends, he’d felt a little bit of hurt, a little bit of fear, and a lot of guilt. Mostly because he’d made it so his friend was scared of him. And Connor didn’t want to be that person anymore. </p>
<p>He’d felt awful about the two other times he’d freaked out at Evan, cornering him first which caused him to have a panic attack and then yelling at him about the suits when he hadn’t known anything about Evan being stressed about affording the dance and fitting in with them. He’d set the precedent with those that he would yell at Evan if he could and Connor wanted nothing more than to fix that. Right after Zoe and Evan had walked off, Connor had promised himself that he wouldn’t do it again. </p>
<p>He was going to take his time, not make a scene and see how he felt past his first instinct. See what the real Connor thought before letting the old Connor take over. </p>
<p>But in that moment he did feel like it was reasonable to be an annoyed older brother, so he’d been planning on complaining to Jared and Alana about Zoe and Evan, how like weird it was and like they were supposed to be here as a group and some other stuff, but then Alana had asked him and Jared if they wanted to dance some more. </p>
<p>He honestly hadn’t wanted to, and he was going to tell that to Alana. Tell her he was perfectly content to sit there and stew about how weird he felt, maybe suss out exactly how he was feeling, but something in the way Alana had asked made him agree. </p>
<p>She had been reaching out to him, possibly because she knew he was upset or maybe just because she wanted to genuinely spend time with him (maybe Jared too?), Connor wasn’t sure, but he’d appreciated it. Because it made him change his mind. About everything. It was like he’d had a strange epiphany that had honestly turned the whole night around for him. </p>
<p>Connor wasn’t alone. </p>
<p>It was true that Evan and Zoe were his <em>best friends</em> hence him trying to not get mad at them instantly, and they weren’t replaceable in his eyes at all, but they weren’t the only people he had who cared about him. </p>
<p>He had Alana now too. And maybe Jared (that was still mostly up to Evan and he wasn’t sure where they stood after the dinner thing). But Connor had at least one other person who he trusted and who he believed cared about him. Alana. </p>
<p>So he’d agreed to dance with them and it was one of the best decisions he could have made. The three of them had this weird energy about them that Connor knew no one else would probably understand, but it meant in the moment, Connor was having more fun than he thought possible. The three of them were not good dancers, he didn’t have rhythm no matter how hard he tried, Jared tried way too hard to do “cool” moves, and Alana couldn’t really catch the beat because she was laughing too much at them. And even if they’d been the worst ones on the dance floor, he’d felt carefree and joyful. </p>
<p>Connor had been way too busy laughing and messing around with Jared and Alana that he didn’t feel the weight of Zoe and Evan’s absences the way he thought he was going to. And then before he really knew it, Evan and Zoe were back with the group, like they hadn’t left at all. </p>
<p>And they stayed the whole rest of the night with them, which had truly been Connor’s favorite part of the whole night. He got to dance with his sister, twirling her around and making her (admittedly very pretty dress) flutter around her. He got to dorkily dance with his best friend who may have been tying him for worst sense of rhythm in the history of the world, but at least looked happy and not scared of him. He got to dance with Alana, twirling her around too, just like Zoe, happy to see her smiling brightly. And Connor had even done this weird improv duet with Jared, like a dance-off, but so much worse because they were both so bad.  </p>
<p>They were all acting like such goofs and Connor had just felt like a dumb teenager, the very thing he always wanted. He got to be silly and act (even for just night) like nothing else mattered. </p>
<p>Not his dad who was still a dick to him. Not his fear that Zoe and Evan would leave him once they now inevitably got together (he was past denying their now very obvious crushes on each other). Not the fact that their outfits matched, and he’d blamed Evan even though it was clearly Zoe’s doing and intention. Not that he still struggled a lot with his emotional control (tonight made that very evident). None of it. </p>
<p>All that mattered in that moment on the dance floor with his best friends were that they were having fun. They were happy and safe and enjoying something they’d only get to do in high school. It was perfect.</p>
<p>And even after the dance had been pretty fun, with Alana sleeping over for the first time along with Evan. Even if as soon as they got home the magic of the dance had worn off and Evan was obviously back to being scared of him. He’d avoided Connor and changed downstairs, waiting until the girls were back to come out of the bathroom. And that had stung, but Connor knew Evan had a reason to believe he would be mad. He’d told him that. Connor made him think that.</p>
<p>But he didn’t think that anymore and he was going to make it up to Evan. He was going to tell him exactly how he was feeling, like Dr. Darren said, and make Evan fully trust him again. He was going to tell him that he couldn’t think of a better person to be with his little sister who meant the world to him. That he trusted him with Zoe (and not in a weird way, just a protective brother-y way). That if being together was something they wanted, then maybe they should try. </p>
<p>But he was going to tell Evan that he was really scared too, which was why he’d acted like that. He’d been scared that they wouldn’t need him or want him around anymore, that their friendship, the one Connor had grown to <em>need</em> in his life, would just disappear into nothing. </p>
<p>He’d tell him that he knew it was selfish to ask, but that it would make him feel better that while they were figuring out like dating stuff, to just keep him in mind too. Ask them to be cognizant of the fact that he was their best friend too, that he wanted to see them and wanted them to want him around too. </p>
<p>Connor would explain how it might be hard at first for him to get used to, but he understood now that there may be times when they wanted to be alone. That them asking for that didn’t mean they were going to leave him, that they’d always come back to him. That he wasn’t really alone because if he needed someone, he still had Alana. </p>
<p>He’d been planning on telling Evan that the moment they were alone. He’d spent the whole night and most of the morning figuring out exactly what he was going to say. And they had been alone for a little bit, when Connor had woken up and Alana and Zoe were gone, but Evan had been sleeping and Connor didn’t want to wake him up. It was an unspoken rule they both had. So Connor just waited. And he’d considered maybe talking to Zoe first while he was waiting, but then decided against it. He’d chosen to go down this path with Evan and it was Evan who deserved an apology from him. And he was going to deliver that apology. </p>
<p>Then eventually Zoe and Alana had come back from wherever they’d gone off to and Evan had started to stir, meaning they could all go get coffee before breakfast, but that he’d have to wait to talk to Evan. His mom had made a waffle bar and similar to his favorite mac and cheese, waffles were something Cynthia Murphy had perfected. He loved them and he was excited his mom was spoiling them, even more excited that they had Alana over too. She was thrilled their little circle was expanding, but she probably also loved the excuse to go all out. Either way, Connor was thankful for his mom and the amazing food they were about to eat. </p>
<p>And he’s so caught up in his own happy feelings, explaining to Alana to perfect topping to waffle ratio that he doesn’t even notice right then that Evan just left. Like without any warning. No goodbyes, nothing.</p>
<p>It was so weird and unexpected that Connor doesn’t even know what to make of it. Evan never left early from sleepovers (except that one time but Connor wasn’t counting that) and they all had a good night. But the worst part was how sad Zoe looked. That’s what made him suspicious that something else was going. Zoe wouldn’t be sad otherwise; he was sure of it.</p>
<p>Zoe had explained to them that Heidi had texted him and gotten home early and wanted Evan to come home when she came moping into the kitchen without him. That seemed off somehow too, but Connor couldn’t quite figure out why. And it’s not like he could argue it either. He knew Evan had been bummed that Heidi couldn’t be there the night of the dance with him, taking pictures of her own, seeing him off, telling him he looked nice, all that stuff that his own mom had done for all of them. So he understood Evan wanting to see her, he didn’t really get that many chances. </p>
<p>But then Evan hadn’t answered his phone for the whole rest of the day. Connor had texted him both personally and in the group chat about random shit, hoping for a response, but didn’t even get a stupid emoji in response. Like Evan’s mom was definitely not home with him the whole day, Connor knew that much. And it was weird. Connor hadn’t not talked to Evan for a whole day since they’d become friends. He did not like it. </p>
<p>Connor thought about maybe driving to Evan’s house to check on him and see why he wasn’t texting back, but that seemed like a little too much for one day. Maybe Evan needed some introvert time after the big commotion of the formal. Connor wasn’t sure, but he left it alone, deciding to look deeper if it was still going on Monday. </p>
<p>So Connor had stayed home Sunday, did homework with Alana and Zoe until Alana had to go home, drew some stuff for fun, and starting working on his personal statements and other requirements for his art school application. It had been a rather boring, regular Sunday.</p>
<p>Even with the distraction of homework and busy work, Connor could tell Zoe was still feeling down, probably because Evan wasn’t there, but he felt like there was something else too. Something else was making her sad and he couldn’t figure it out, so he offered to do something with her, take her to get study candy or something equally as little. Something to just take her mind off whatever she was fretting about, but she’d declined, claiming she really needed to use the time to work on a new arrangement. Connor hadn’t pushed it after she said no, but it definitely made him more suspicious, knowing that Zoe hid behind her music when she was upset. But maybe he was reading too much into it. Maybe Zoe was fine and had just been hoping Evan would stay longer. </p>
<p>But Connor had thought that it didn’t really matter, because they would see Evan the next day at school. They’d find out why Evan hadn’t texted them back and him and Zoe could carry on being disgustingly cute. Everything would be fine on Monday. </p>
<p>Or so Connor thought. Because Monday morning comes and Connor’s chatting with Alana like he normally did, waiting for Evan and Zoe to get there, when Zoe comes up to them alone, no Evan in sight.</p>
<p>Zoe explains, in an eerily similar way to the day before, that Evan was sick and not coming to school today, and that he’d felt sick yesterday too and that’s why he’d been all weird. Zoe tells them just slightly more cheerily that she was going to check on him after band today and make sure he was okay. And to Connor it sounded like Evan had made up two pretty believable excuses to avoid them and he’s positive Zoe thinks that a little bit too, but Connor doesn’t know why. Last time he checked they were all doing good, laughing, watching a movie and falling asleep together after the dance, so what was Evan avoiding? </p>
<p>Connor’s so worried about Evan that he doesn’t even get mad that Zoe was going to go see him even though him and Evan always spent Monday afternoons together. But Connor was working on being cool and on the off chance that Evan really was sick, he probably didn’t need to get bombarded with people and information all at once. Zoe could go alone, check on him, and come home. She didn’t need to stay a million years and once again if he really was sick, then Zoe hanging around would only make her sick too. And then at least when Zoe got home, she could tell him why being “sick” apparently meant losing all ability to work a goddamn phone and Connor could stop worrying so much.</p>
<p>Everything would be fine, Connor didn’t need to freak out. </p>
<p>And he doesn’t. Connor goes about the rest of his day like normal, except for taking better notes in the classes him and Evan had together to give to him, and school passes quickly and unexceptionally. But like always, Connor’s thankful when the final bell rings and he can go home. </p>
<p>Connor figures he should try texting Evan again on his way home, that he needed to know what he missed regardless of if he was sick or not, so he types out as he’s walking to his car, </p>
<p><b>3:42 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> Hey dude nothing too exciting in class today, a new English project, regular math homework all the even numbers, and I have no idea what anything in chem means but I wrote it down <br/><b>3:43 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> Also I hope you’re feeling better, let me know if you need anything <br/><b> 3:43 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> I’m sure my mom would love to make you soup or something lol </p>
<p>Connor puts his phone away and starts to drive home, trying not to think too much about if Evan would finally text him back or if he was lying about being sick for some reason. Instead he tries to focus on what he was going to work on when he got home. He needed to finish several pieces for his portfolio, and he’d taken his charcoal piece home from school so he could work on it more. And it was turning into one of his favorites since it was based on a picture Zoe had taken of him, Evan, and her in a park over the summer. He was even thinking about gifting it to Evan for his birthday coming up after he’d taken all the pictures of it to send with his applications. </p>
<p>Connor’s greeted by his mom as he walks through the front door, looking slightly confused, asking him, “Where’s Evan dear? He’s always with you after school.” </p>
<p>“Hi Mom, good to see you too,” Connor snarks even though he wasn’t even that annoyed by his mom’s questioning of Evan’s whereabouts, adding, “Evan was sick today so he stayed home and Zoe’s going to check on him after band.” </p>
<p>“Oh poor Evan. Does he need anything? Soup? Crackers? Gatorade? We could bring him a little get-better basket,” Cynthia says clearly concerned for Evan, but all Connor can do is laugh. He knew his mom would want to mother-hen Evan even when he wasn’t at their house. </p>
<p>“He hasn’t texted me back, but I’ll let you know if he does. I’m going to go work on a piece for my portfolio so I’ll be upstairs,” Connor tells her, already starting to walk up the staircase to his room, not expecting his mom to say anything else, but she does, telling him softly, “I’d love to see it when it’s done, if you want to show me.”</p>
<p>“Thanks Mom, I will,” Connor says just as softly, turning to give her a small smile before actually making his way to his room. His parents didn’t always understand his art and he knew she’d been disappointed when he said he hadn’t wanted to go to a traditional university after high school, but it felt nice that she was trying, trying to be more involved and more supportive. It makes him feel just a bit more confident in himself.</p>
<p>Connor gets to work at his desk, choosing to keep his bedroom door open, both so that he knew when Zoe got home and also so that when his parents walked by, they could see he wasn’t hiding anything from them. He was in his room working on his art, that was it. </p>
<p>He’s a good two hours in and so focused on getting the shading just right that he almost misses the flash of purple dress and brown hair that comes flying past his door. He didn’t think Zoe would be home so soon, band only let out maybe thirty minutes ago. He thought for sure she’d spend at least a little bit more time with Evan. </p>
<p>So he gets up quickly and scrambles out into the hallway, barely catching her and calling out, “Hey Zo, how was Evan? Is he feeling any better?” </p>
<p>“I don’t know ask him yourself,” Zoe tells him in a tone that Connor didn’t understand at all. She sounded both despondent and livid and before he can get to her, she slams her bedroom door shut, making him extremely worried right away. Zoe <em>never</em> acted like this. </p>
<p>Connor quickly goes to her door, planning on knocking and asking to talk to her, ask her how he could help make it better, but all he’s met with is loud music playing and a locked door. The music would muffle any sound he might try to make through the door to get Zoe’s attention. And he wasn’t about to start banging on her door, knowing that it would make her feel worse. She didn’t need any reminders of all the dumb shit he used to do to her when he was high, and screaming at her through her door was one thing he did all the time. </p>
<p>And he was not that person anymore. </p>
<p>So Connor walks back to his own room, completely confused as to what he just witnessed. What the fuck happened at Evan’s house? Why was Zoe this upset? Did Evan do something to her? Had Zoe done something? </p>
<p>He’d not once in his life seen Zoe this upset over something and she’d been through a lot of shit, so he was more than concerned and more than a little worried. But there was nothing he could do right at the moment with Zoe hiding in her room. He’d have to wait until she calmed down just a little bit to talk to her, maybe she’d feel a little bit better by dinner and they could talk about it? He wanted to be there for her, and he wanted her to be able to trust him. And he’d be waiting, as soon as Zoe was ready to talk to him. </p>
<p>And Evan still hadn’t texted him back, which was seriously starting to piss him off. But he tries again anyway asking him, </p>
<p><b>5:56 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> What the fuck happened? Why is Zoe so upset? <br/><b>5:56 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> And I swear to fucking god if you don’t text me back Evan, I’m going to start calling you just because you hate it </p>
<p>Connor sets his phone down and tries his hardest to focus on his drawing, but he can’t, not when everything was so confusing. He regretted threatening to call Evan because he actually wasn’t going to, he hated phone calls just as much as Evan did, but he was sure it didn’t help convince Evan to text him back. But he was irked right now and doing his best to not become full-fledged angry. </p>
<p>Why was his little sister so upset right now? Like he knew she was sad yesterday when Evan left early and worried about him this morning when he was sick, but this, this wasn’t either of those. This was something much bigger than that and Connor was sure something had happened. Something bad.</p>
<p>Evan better not have hurt her, because as much as he cared about Evan (which was a lot), Zoe was his <em>sister</em>, his little sister who deserved the world. And he wouldn’t stand for anyone hurting her. </p>
<p>Just in case Zoe was maybe looking at her phone in her room, Connor decides to text her too, just a simple “are you okay” in the hopes that she would respond, with what Connor didn’t know, but then at least he’d know she was mostly alright. And that was better than nothing. </p>
<p>But like Evan, Connor doesn’t get a response from Zoe, but he’s much more forgiving about that than he is for Evan. Mostly because they lived in the same house and he’d see her soon. With Evan, Connor had no idea if he was okay or not and he hated that. He wanted the security of knowing both Evan and Zoe were doing fine, but he’s not sure he’s going to get that. </p>
<p>Connor doesn’t see Zoe until dinner, like he’d thought, and she looks terrible. Her eyes were red and there were very clearly tear tracks down both her cheeks, smudging the little bit of eye make-up she’d worn to school. Connor watches her the whole time and she doesn’t even eat dinner, just pushes the food around her plate and pretends. One of their parents, probably their dad, definitely made her come down because Connor could tell that she would’ve stayed in her room if she could. </p>
<p>After they’re excused from dinner, Connor tries again to get her attention to try and talk to her, but it was like Zoe was comatose. Completely unresponsive. Her eyes don’t even flicker to him and she just solemnly walks back to her room. </p>
<p>And Connor from six months ago would have flipped his shit, thinking she was deliberately ignoring him and probably harass her more, but he didn’t think that now, and he wasn’t going to make her even more upset. Zoe wasn’t purposely shutting him out, she just seemed too overwhelmed with whatever had happened with Evan to process anything else. And he could relate to that.</p>
<p>There wasn’t much he could do right now for her and he hates that, but he was going to figure out exactly what happened and make Evan apologize to her. That was something he could do. Because he didn’t like what was going on, probably just as much as Zoe and Evan didn’t. </p>
<p>For one, none of them were talking to with each other. It had been two full days since he’d last spoken to Evan even though he kept trying to reach out. And now he was trying to talk to Zoe too with no luck either and he’d talked to her everyday since they’d met Evan. It was something he’d been really proud of considering they’d barely spoken for two years previous. He wasn’t about to return to that. <br/>And secondly, no one, not even Evan, was allowed to hurt Zoe, not on his watch. Not after he’d hurt her so much already. He never wanted Zoe to feel any type of pain ever again, not when he was responsible for hurting her physically and emotionally. It was that guilt that fueled his over-protectiveness now. He needed to be the big brother she wanted, the one he’d promised her he would be when they were little. </p>
<p>So the obvious thing to do to protect her was to figure out what the hell happened, so he texts Evan <em>again</em> knowing he was probably not going to get a response, but he tries, </p>
<p><b>9:28 P.M. Connor Murphy:</b> Sorry about all the texts but do you want a ride to school tomorrow? </p>
<p>Connor figured he should apologize for being a little shitty in his previous texts and that he should try a different route. Evan obviously wasn’t going to text him what was wrong, but maybe he’d talk to him tomorrow on the way to school. Zoe normally drove Evan on Tuesdays, but Connor knew she was in no position to do that tomorrow. </p>
<p>He tries not to get his hopes up, realizing that it wasn’t likely that Evan was going to respond to him, but he hopes he will, because even if he was kinda mad, he still missed Evan and just wanted to talk to his best friend. </p>
<p>And it almost two hours, but eventually Evan writes back and Connor almost jumps at the notification on his phone, not 100% believing that Evan really texted him back, but it was real. Connor opens the message hoping to see an explanation, but all he gets is, </p>
<p><b>11:37 P.M. Evan Hansen:</b> No </p>
<p>No? Just a fucking no? That’s all Evan was going to give him? After two days of silence his only response is no? Well, that wasn’t going to cut it for Connor. He was just going to go to Evan’s house tomorrow morning and get him anyway. And it takes all of his self-control to not get mad at Evan. He had to remember that Evan wasn’t like him, he didn’t act out. Evan let all the whispers and dark thoughts that Connor yelled and forced onto anyone around him, seep into his own thoughts. Evan retreated inside himself and definitely wasn’t equipped to do anything if he was anywhere near as upset as Zoe, which Connor could only guess was probably true. </p>
<p>So Connor takes a deep breath and promises himself that he wasn’t going to yell or get mad at Evan, no matter what he said tomorrow. He was going to treat Evan the same way Evan had treated him when he broke down in the bathroom at the boardwalk for his birthday. He was going to be gentle and listen and try not to press Evan too hard. But most importantly, he was going to insist that Evan apologize to Zoe, even if he doesn’t tell him what happened. Connor supposes he doesn’t really need to know, he never told Evan about pushing Zoe down the stairs or he guesses the real story of just watching idly as she fell. So maybe Evan could keep his secrets, but he needed to do <em>something</em>. Evan needed to fix whatever it was he’d done. </p>
<p>Maybe Connor would even tell him about this summer and explain how forgiving and loving Zoe was. That no matter what it was that he’d done, Zoe would forgive him, just like she’d done for him. Even if it took a long time, Connor was sure Zoe would forgive him, she loved Evan too much to keep him out of her life forever. </p>
<p>And then once this was fixed, they could talk about Evan and Zoe dating or whatever they wanted to call it. But that seemed way less important than the fact that his little sister was crying her eyes out alone in her room for some mystery reason after she saw Evan. Because did it really even matter if Connor “approved” of them or not if they weren’t even talking to one another? Connor didn’t think so. </p>
<p>Connor starts to get ready for bed feeling decent about his plan for tomorrow morning, picking up Evan and talking to him, but he wants to check on Zoe one more time before going to sleep. So Connor creeps out of his own room and tiptoes to Zoe’s room and carefully presses his ear to the door, listening in before deciding to knock or not. </p>
<p>The loud music from earlier wasn’t playing anymore (likely because their parents had gone to bed already and Zoe probably didn’t want to upset them), but he can hear her sniffling and crying through the door. And it breaks his heart. He really wanted to do something to help but he thinks he’ll have to wait, that it would be better to not disturb her right now, just let her be. </p>
<p>But maybe he could talk to her in the morning? Maybe she’d be willing to tell him what happened? Or at the very least let him know she would be okay eventually. Maybe he could stop and get her a coffee and bring it to school? Just do something small to cheer her up a bit and let her know that he cared that he wanted to help. Yeah, he would do that, and he thinks she would appreciate the support even if it was only materialistic right now. He’d do the same for Evan too, knowing he’d probably appreciate it. </p>
<p>He would start small with both his best friends and soon whatever was happening would feel like ancient history, just a tiny spec in the long road that was their friendship, Connor was sure of it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>=</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next morning Connor wakes up early and tries to get ready faster than normal, knowing he wanted to pick up Evan and go through the coffee shop before school. He was kind of surprised that he was feeling so confident, it wasn’t something he felt often. But he did and he felt like he was in a really good headspace to talk to Evan calmly and sincerely and help his little sister. He was going to <em>help</em> today, not hurt. </p>
<p>And just like he’d been hoping, he crosses paths with Zoe on her way out the door, and he stops her, asking, “Hey Zo, are you feeling better? You seemed not great yesterday, and I want to make sure you’re okay.” </p>
<p>Connor waits for her to respond and quickly glances over her, noting that she still looked kind of terrible, but he was not going to tell her that. Her eyes were still red and she looked like she didn’t sleep great either, probably cried the whole night. She wasn’t even dressed like she normally was, wearing leggings and an oversized flannel opposed to the dresses and blousy tops she normally worse. But she was still wearing the necklace Evan got her for her birthday, which clues Connor into the fact that she probably wasn’t quite angry with Evan anymore, only miserable.  </p>
<p>“No, not really, but thanks for asking. Sorry I snapped at you yesterday,” Zoe says, looking at the ground, shifting her bag from one shoulder to the other, clearly not super comfortable talking about yesterday just yet, and probably felt a little guilty for pushing him away. But Connor didn’t care about that. </p>
<p>“Don’t worry about that Zo, it’s not a big deal. But um, I was going to go get coffee before school, do you want me to get you one?” Connor asks, hoping that switching the topics would make her feel a little bit better. She probably didn’t want to relive whatever happened yesterday very first thing in the morning.</p>
<p>“No, it’s okay Con,” Zoe tells him, looking all of a sudden like she might start crying again. No, what had he done? Did coffee make her think of Evan or something? He only wanted to cheer her up. And he can’t help but to blurt out his plan for the day, telling her, “If Evan did this to you, I’ll make him apologize. No one’s allowed to make you feel like this, not even our best friend.” </p>
<p>“Thank you Connor, really, but please don’t,” Zoe says sadly, but somewhat protectively. She was trying to defend Evan even though he hurt her badly. But that shouldn’t be surprising to Connor, she did that all the time. Zoe loved fiercely and deeply once she decided you were worth it, but all that did was make it harder when you inevitably disappointed her. </p>
<p>“But Zo…” Connor starts, about to explain that he was just planning on talking to him, but Zoe interrupts him, no longer about to cry, but possibly about to argue with him in her stubborn way and quickly tells him, “No, seriously Connor, please leave it be for now. Evan won’t be able to handle that from you right now, and I, and I just, I don’t know, just please don’t.” </p>
<p>“No, I wasn’t going to be mean to him or yell at him, we’ll just talk, that’s all,” Connor tries again to explain. And it was fair that Zoe thought he was going to freak out at Evan, his past problems made that seem like the likely outcome, but he was working on it, working on his emotional control and now was the time to prove that. He wasn’t going to hurt Evan or Zoe more. </p>
<p>“When you talk to Evan today, just don’t make it about me, please,” Zoe says, without the stubbornness from before, like this was all she had to give. Putting all her energy into this one request and he knows it’s for Evan’s benefit. She cared about him that much. </p>
<p>“Okay, I won’t,” Connor tells her, lying right through his teeth. He felt really bad about it, but he had to. There was no way he wasn’t going to bring up the fact that she’d coming home crying yesterday to Evan, after she’d just gotten done <em>seeing Evan</em>. Evan obviously had done something, and Connor was going to talk to him about it. </p>
<p>And even though he wanted to yell at him (just a little bit) he wasn’t going to, and he knew that’s what Zoe was scared of. He knew that rage and fear were not going to fix things. But he could. He could talk to Evan. </p>
<p>“Okay, good. Thanks for checking in. I’ll see you at school,” Zoe tells him, walking out to her car and Connor waves goodbye to her adding a nice, “See you soon Zo!” </p>
<p>Now that he’d talked to Zoe a little bit, Connor goes back to hurrying through his morning routine, grabbing his lunch from his mom in the kitchen and wishing her well for the day, narrowly avoiding his dad, and making it to his own car with plenty of time to get to Evan’s house and the coffee shop. </p>
<p>Connor decides to be nice and at least let Evan know he was coming and quickly shoots him a text letting him know he’d be there soon and hopes for the best as he puts his phone down to drive. And when he gets to Evan’s house, he’s not outside like he normally was any other time he or Zoe had picked him up. </p>
<p>Well, actually that kind of made sense. Evan technically never agreed for him to come get him and never responded to his text this morning, so Connor really shouldn’t have been expecting him to just be there. So Connor parks his car and gets out, trying to see if Evan was at least still home. </p>
<p>He knocks on the front door and rings the doorbell a few times for good measure but doesn’t get any response. Where in the hell was Evan? Connor even goes as far to look through any of the open windows and tries to open the door too, but with no luck. All the lights were off and the door was locked. And that didn’t technically mean Evan wasn’t home, but Connor can’t really do anything else or he’d look like he was breaking in, which he did not want. </p>
<p>Evan probably already left for school if he had to walk the whole way and probably a while ago. And if Connor wanted to get coffee, he’d have to leave now to make it to school on time. So Connor leaves, but doesn’t give up because Evan couldn’t exactly avoid him in the classes they shared together, they sat right next to each other.</p>
<p>Connor gets everyone a drink, Alana and Evan too, and hustles to their meeting tree to make sure Zoe and Alana could have their coffees before the bell rang for first period. Zoe and Alana were already there and Connor’s disappointed that Evan isn’t. He had a tiny smidge of hope that he would be and everything could just be normal, but no, he’d have to hunt down his best friend. </p>
<p>Zoe and Alana looked a little upset and Connor thinks Zoe was probably filling her in on whatever happened yesterday, whatever it was that she hadn’t told him about yet. But that was okay, he was okay with that. Zoe would tell him when she was ready to. </p>
<p>“Hey guys, I have coffee. I know you said you didn’t want one Zo, but I got you one anyway,” Connor tells them, walking up and handing out their respective drinks, soy latte for Zoe and a hazelnut latte for Alana. It seems to cheer them up just a bit and them being a little happier makes Connor feel a little bit better too. Even if today ended up going terribly, at least they liked their drinks. </p>
<p>“Thanks Connor, that was really sweet of you,” Alana tells him, looking even happier when she takes a sip and realizes that Connor had remembered what she liked. Connor tried really hard to remember things that his friends liked, so he could do things like this. Tiny things just because. </p>
<p>“Yeah thanks,” Zoe says sipping her drink too, retreating in a bit as Connor and Alana continued to talk, carrying the whole conversation. And Connor wishes one latte would help Zoe more, but he knows getting Evan to talk to them would help the most. So he was going to do that. </p>
<p>Connor keeps a lookout for Evan all while talking with the girls and while walking them to class, but not once does he even catch of glimpse of his friend. Evan was nowhere to be found. It was weird and Connor didn’t like the panicky feeling it was giving him. What if Evan didn’t come to school again? What if something really bad happened to him? How would he ever know, who would tell him and Zoe that something happened to Evan? Connor doesn’t like thinking like that and tries to tell himself to calm down. </p>
<p>He walks into their first period English class and sits in his usual seat and sets Evan’s hot chocolate on his desk, keeping other people from sitting there, and making it hopefully clear to Evan that Connor was offering him something, like a peace offering. Maybe Evan would know that Connor meant well and wasn’t going to freak out at him. </p>
<p>And Connor’s about to lose hope as the minutes count down until the tardy bell rings and he still hasn’t seen Evan, but right as the bell rings Evan slips into the classroom and sits in an open seat far away from Connor.  </p>
<p>Oh god. Connor had thought Zoe looked bad, but Evan was much, much worse and Connor feels absolutely horrible. His friend was clearly in pain and even though he tried, Connor should have tried harder to help him earlier. </p>
<p>Evan’s eyes were puffy yet had dark circles around them making his normal boyish face look gaunt and dejected. He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept in days and knowing Evan, it meant he hadn’t eaten in days either. His hair looked unkempt and possibly like it still had product in it from the dance. And Connor could swear that was the sweatshirt he’d worn to bed Saturday night, like he hadn’t changed clothes since then, only putting on jeans for school. </p>
<p>Evan was definitely not okay. </p>
<p>And Connor now more than ever wanted to know what happened. He feels a strange urge to be mad at Zoe too for some reason, feeling the same sense of protectiveness he felt about her too for Evan. Like he wanted to know if she’d hurt him in some way too. Why else would Evan look this awful if the hurting hadn’t been mutual? But he tells himself he couldn’t be mad at either of them, especially without knowing what had happened exactly.</p>
<p>How in two days had Zoe and Evan gone from making heart eyes at each other at the dance to Evan not even showering for school? Something must have gone horribly wrong.  </p>
<p>Connor’s distracted all of first period, watching Evan too closely to pay attention to anything his teacher was saying. But it’s over quick enough and Connor grabs Evan’s now cold drink and tries to catch him on the way out of class, but Evan’s too fast, slinking into the crowded hallways before Connor can get him. </p>
<p>But Connor does run into Jared, which he’s actually happy about. Maybe he could get Jared in on operation help Evan. </p>
<p>“Hey Jared do you want this cold hot chocolate? I never got the chance to give it to Evan,” Connor tells him, offering him the drink before throwing it away because why not? Maybe it would do for Jared what it should have been for Evan and show him that he means well. Evan would probably need everyone he knew to reassure him from whatever mess he was in and that included Jared. And Connor was pretty sure Jared wanted another opportunity to show he could be a good friend after the dinner fiasco with Zoe.</p>
<p>“Totally, ‘cause now it’s just chocolate milk,” Jared says taking the drink from Connor no problem, weirdly taking a big drink before adding, “But yeah, dude what’s up with Evan? He won’t answer any of my texts and he looks like death.” </p>
<p>“I don’t know exactly. I think him and Zoe got into a fight or something, because she’s upset too. But I’m trying to talk to him,” Connor explains as they start to walk to their trig class, the one they shared with Evan. </p>
<p>“Okay, um, I can try too. We hang out during my lunch and then I can let you know what happens,” Jared says, confirming what Connor had thought about Jared wanting to get back into Evan’s good graces. </p>
<p>“Okay cool, because look, he’s obviously avoiding us again,” Connor says, pointing out Evan sneaking into an opposite corner of the classroom once more as Jared and Connor took their own seats in the back. Jared had been sitting with them since he’d been invited to the dance with them and Connor didn’t mind. Especially since Jared was really good at math and helped them a lot during “independent time”. But today he’s not sure it’s doing them any favors because from Evan’s point of view, it probably looked like they were fine without him. But that wasn’t true at all.</p>
<p>Connor would talk to him during lunch. He’d spend the whole forty-five minutes looking for him if he had to, but he would find him and talk to him. Evan needed to know his friends were worried about him. </p>
<p>Connor’s positive that like this morning, Evan wouldn’t go to their tree, risk seeing Zoe or Alana, but Connor decides that he’d stop there before his search for Evan to say hi to Zoe and Alana. But then after, his only focus would be Evan. He would probably be in the library, that’s where Connor used to see him sometimes last year. And sometimes Connor had even hidden in there too, when everything and everyone at school was just too much. </p>
<p>Sometimes him and Evan being so alike helped. He could anticipate what Evan would do because it’s what he would do too. </p>
<p>Just as his fourth period is about to let out, he gets a text from Jared and Connor really hopes it’s good news and as soon as he’s out of the classroom he opens it, </p>
<p><b>11:42 A.M. J-Money K:</b> Evan never showed so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him and I haven’t seen him since second period</p>
<p>Connor can’t even laugh at the ridiculous name Jared had entered into his phone a while ago like he normally did because now he’s even more stressed about Evan. For some reason he’d been hoping that Evan might reach out to Jared, that it might get him in a better spot to talk to Connor. </p>
<p>It sucked, but it only made Connor’s quest to find him more urgent. He can see Alana and Zoe at the tree, but he doesn’t stop, only waves to them and then points in the direction of the library, hoping they’d understand. He didn’t really want to waste time looking for Evan.</p>
<p>Connor starts looking through the library in the non-obvious spots, thinking of all the places he would go to hide. And soon enough he comes across Evan sitting in a corner of the library, carefully hidden away from any other students, sitting on the ground knees tucked into his chest, just staring at the wall. </p>
<p>“Hey Ev,” Connor calls out softly, trying not to scare Evan or surprise him suddenly, walking in towards him slowly. </p>
<p>“How’d you find me?” Evan asks dismally, looking from the wall to him, but Connor takes it as a win. Evan was acknowledging him and speaking to him, both changes from being in class like an hour ago. <br/>“I looked in all the places I would have gone to hide,” Connor tells him truthfully, hoping that reminding Evan how similar they were, how close they were would help. Evan was his <em>best</em> friend. He wanted to be there to help him. </p>
<p>“Just go away Connor,” Evan says turning to face the wall again, as if not looking at Connor would make him go away. Too bad for Evan that stubborn was a Murphy trait, because he wasn’t going away.</p>
<p>“No Evan. What’s going on with you? Why are you so upset? Why is Zoe so upset?” Connor asks in his gentlest voice, daring to sit down next to Evan, hoping it did for Evan what it’d done for him. Show him that he was there for him no matter what he said next. </p>
<p>Evan doesn’t say anything next, just sets his head on his knees and continues to look away from Connor and looked like he might start crying again. </p>
<p>“Seriously Evan, whatever it is, you can tell me. I can help you apologize to Zoe or have her apologize to you. If you think she won’t forgive you, she will. I know she will. She’s the most forgiving person I know,” Connor tells him, trying to hit on all the things he thought previously that could have gone wrong yesterday. And initially he was on Zoe’s “side” but if it turned out that Evan was the one who needed an apology, he’d help with that. All Connor wanted was his two friends back to normal. </p>
<p>“She won’t, you don’t know,” Evan says, voice strained like he truly believed that Zoe wouldn’t forgive him, making Connor think that it was Evan who had done something. But Connor knew his sister and he knew that no matter what it was, Zoe <em>would</em> forgive him. There’s no way Evan could have topped any of the horrible things he’d done to her and they were still close now. The same would be true for Evan. </p>
<p>“So tell me. I want to help you guys,” Connor pleads with him, hoping Evan would feel enough guilt to tell him what happened. And he really did want to help. </p>
<p>“No you don’t. Just go away,” Evan says exasperatedly, making Connor wonder what he’d done to make Evan think that he wouldn’t help him. Maybe he hadn’t done anything, but maybe Evan was just scared to talk to him about anything to do with Zoe. And that was Connor’s fault. </p>
<p>“Evan,” Connor says, trying to keep his voice even and gentle, resisting the urge to raise it, “You can tell me what happened or don’t, I guess. But you need to apologize to Zoe for whatever it was that happened. I’ll keep bugging you until you do. But that’s just for Zoe. I’m not okay with whatever’s happening either. I don’t like not talking to you or seeing you every day. I don’t want that.” </p>
<p>“It’s not about what you want Connor,” Evan says finally turning to look at him darkly. And that was not the response Connor had been expecting but it doesn’t change his mind. Because he knew Evan too and he knew Evan didn’t want this either, even if he was pushing Connor and Zoe away right now.  </p>
<p>“Then tell me what it is about Evan, please,” Connor tries again, not really knowing what else to say. He thought he’d thought through everything, but he never expected Evan to respond like this. </p>
<p>“No, just leave me alone,” Evan says for like the millionth time even though it was pretty clear that Connor was not going to do that. Evan maybe thought he needed to be alone, but he didn’t. He needed his friends and he needed to tell Connor what happened so Connor could see the whole picture, figure out the best way to help him. </p>
<p>“I’m not going to do that Ev. You’re my best friend and you’re stuck with me,” Connor says, and Evan just looks at him strangely. Connor thinks they might be having a breakthrough, or something had maybe shifted, but all Evan does is get up and start to walk away, throwing Connor completely off.</p>
<p>Connor scrambles to get up, honestly unsure how Evan had gotten up so fast, and follows Evan. He had no intention of leaving alone, he thought that was actually the worst plan, now more than ever. Evan needed to know he had them, even if he truly had majorly fucked up. And not to mention, Connor wanted a plan in motion for Zoe’s apology and he was going to get that. </p>
<p>“Evan,” Connor calls out, about to catch up to him, when Evan turns suddenly almost yells, “Connor I said leave me alone!” shoving Connor, pushing him back away from him, but not enough to make him fall, but enough for Connor to know to actually back off. </p>
<p>This was definitely not good and this person who looked like Evan, was most definitely not Evan either.</p>
<p>Connor didn’t think there was anything more he could do today to fix this as he watched Evan walk away from him, but the longer it continued the more broken it was going to leave Evan. And Connor didn’t give two shits about Evan shoving him, but he knew Evan would care and it was only going to make things worse. </p>
<p>But Connor didn’t care how long it took or even if it meant getting shoved every day, he’d keep trying until Evan was ready. He was not going to give up his best friend.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ahhhhh Evan is doing even worse.... And Connor, naive Connor has no clue that his ultimatum-type threat from before the dance is what has caused this spiral, he just can't quite figure it out. But never fear, he will understand soon enough!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. I Can't Pretend It's Okay When It's Not Pt. 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan and Jared talk about what's going on.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi Everyone!!!!! So this chapter was also supposed to have Zoe's scene in it, but it had to get bumped to next chapter because I decided Evan monologuing in his sadness was a good idea. And it's pretty sad... but then it gets better (hopefully?). Also I don't think that one conversation with Jared magically makes Evan feel better, but I was hoping to convey a little spark or change to make Evan see things a little more clearly. For me personally, sometimes it can help when I feel low and someone's just like "none of that's real, here's what's really going on". And hopefully that comes through with Jared. And hopefully Jared has redeemed himself :) </p><p>And I hate to say it, but this story is on it's last couple of chapters (I don't have an exact number because I'm usually wrong and write more lol) and I can't believe how amazingly wonderful you readers have been throughout this whole story (all my stories really). You're so supportive and encouraging and I just appreciate it all. Truly, thank you so much!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan was one hundred percent positive that he’d never been in a worse place in his life than he was right now. Things had gotten even worse in the days since he told Zoe they couldn’t be together and he was not doing well. He hadn’t even felt this terrible this summer, and that was saying something considering what he’d attempted to do then. Evan thinks the main difference between then and now was at least he hadn’t really known what it was like to have friends during the summer. To have people he missed deeply. People he’d grown used to seeing every day. People he loved entirely. </p><p>Knowing and experiencing that made everything harder. Because even though he couldn’t trust that their friendship was real and they might actually care about him, if by any chance it was true, he couldn’t do what he tried to do this summer to Zoe, Connor, and Alana. </p><p>If he hadn’t failed over the summer, he was still sure nobody would have missed him. No one would have known who he was. And the thought of Zoe and Connor finding him used to make him feel repulsed, but now? Now he thought they would’ve stumbled upon him, probably been freaked out, but then been fine. They hadn’t known him before. He would’ve been just a random kid they went to school with. They wouldn’t have mourned him then, but he couldn’t risk them maybe mourning him now. It would be the most selfish thing he could do, attempt to stop his own pain by pushing it onto them. </p><p>He wasn’t going to do that, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with all his horrible feelings. </p><p>And the hardest thing so far had been how much he missed Zoe. He felt like an entire part of him was missing. Her absence in his life left a gaping wound that he didn’t think would ever heal. It was like a blackhole, sucking in everything he thought about, making him feel worse and worse every minute he continued on with his miserable life. </p><p>He felt like nothing. Empty and numb. The only thing he’d managed to do since he’d broken Zoe’s heart in the cruelest way was hide from Connor at school. It was the only thing he was motivated and prepared to do. Which was weird because he missed Connor too, so much. Almost as much as Zoe, but he still continued to try and hide from him. </p><p>Connor had tried to talk to him Tuesday, the closest he’d gotten so far this week, and he’d told Evan he missed him and wanted to help him. But Evan didn’t believe a single word of it because how could he? The minute Connor found out what he’d done to Zoe, Evan might as well be dead. It didn’t matter if Connor thought he wanted to help him now, it was only because he didn’t know, Evan was sure of it. And Evan knew that as long as he stayed vigilant, kept avoiding him and Zoe and Alana, that soon enough he wouldn’t matter either. To them, or to anyone. It was only a matter of time.</p><p>But Connor was not making it easy, that was for damn sure. Connor always knew where to find him, so Evan had just started wandering around campus at lunch, not staying in any one place for too long. The only place that Evan had been to that Connor hadn’t found yet was the greenhouse and that was probably because Connor wasn’t in nursery and didn’t know exactly where it was. And it’d been especially hard to avoid him in the classes they shared, and that made Evan really sad more than anything else. </p><p>Evan remembers being so excited when they’d found out they had three classes together, thinking how much better their senior year was going to be because they had each other in class. And now all it did was make him feel awful. He would have given anything to have someone actively try to talk to him and sit next to him in a genuine way any other time in his life, but now it just reminded him of how fucked he was. How he catastrophically ruined the one good thing he had in his life. </p><p>And on top of that, Evan felt truly god-awful because he’d shoved Connor away from him in a fit of desperation. He’d been so close to telling Connor everything, but he couldn’t, and Connor wouldn’t stop asking him to tell him what was wrong, so he didn’t know what else to do. So he just literally pushed him away. And it had worked. Connor had left him alone for the rest of lunch, but at what cost? He’d done just another horrible thing to one of the only friends he’d ever had in his life, stacking the odds against himself if anything ever changed and the Murphy’s ever considered forgiving him. </p><p>But nothing would ever change. They’d never forgive him. Not once Connor knew and understood that he was a bad person. Zoe already did. And then they both would hate him even more than they probably already did. </p><p>So even if it was hard, Evan <em>had</em> to keep avoiding Connor. And today he’d been so stressed about it that after lunch, he just skipped chemistry all together instead of trying to sit away from him. He’d stayed behind the greenhouse all through fifth period and only emerged once the bell rang for sixth and he’d gone to nursery. But honestly, he should’ve skipped that too. </p><p>Because the flowers he’d been growing along side the peppers from earlier (they learned all about how planting flowers within vegetable and fruit patches helped enhance natural pollination and boost the ecosystem) had finally bloomed and before everything went to shit, he’d been planning on giving them to Zoe. They were purple and beautiful, and he knew she would have liked them. Now they’d probably die alone in his room, just like him. </p><p>At least he hadn’t seen Connor though, that made it somewhat better he guessed. But it was really hard keeping this weird ruse up, keeping Connor from knowing and Evan was thinking about telling Connor himself, just so he wouldn’t have to keep trying so hard. Telling him that he’d kissed Zoe, hurt her so badly, and in turn was accepting the fact that none of them could be friends ever again. He could just get it out of the way. Neither of them would be wasting time then, especially Connor. He was wasting his time on Evan when he could be doing literally anything else. </p><p>But confessing to Connor would also be selfish on his part, because then he’d be implicating Zoe in his crimes and he didn’t want Connor to be angry at her. He wasn’t sure if he really would be angry with Zoe, since they weren’t and could probably never be friends again, thereby removing the thing that Connor had threatened, but Evan couldn’t, <em>couldn’t</em> risk any possibility of Zoe being hurt even more, specifically by Connor’s hand. He wouldn’t do that to Connor. And he especially wasn’t going to let that happen to Zoe.</p><p>He wanted to give Zoe every chance he could for her to be happy and that meant keeping her relationship with her brother intact and thriving. And so far, Evan thought his half-baked plan was mostly working. </p><p>Zoe looked like she might be starting to feel happy again.</p><p>He didn’t know for sure because he tried not to get to close to her, but he couldn’t resist checking in on Zoe, stealing glances when he could, watching her from afar. It was something he used to do all the time, so he’d gotten pretty good at it, making sure Zoe never saw him. Before it was because he didn’t want her to think he was stalking her or something and now he didn’t want her to be sad or angry upon seeing him watching her since he was the one who said they couldn’t be anything. </p><p>But she really did seem okay though. Not great, but better than Monday, but that was also a pretty low bar to judge from. It wasn’t like he could ask her though, so he could only guess from what he saw at school. </p><p>And he saw her talking to Alana. Sometimes to Connor. She looked like she was showering. Her hair was always done. She looked pretty (but Evan always thought that). And it looked like she was still wearing the necklace he’d given her for her birthday, which kind of confused Evan. </p><p>When he’d given it to her she said she’d always wear it because it would remind her of him, but she couldn’t possibly want to be reminded of him and his terribleness ever again. Right? But maybe she’d forgotten he was the one who gave it to her? Maybe she just remembered getting it for her birthday along with all her other presents from her parents. Yeah that was probably it. There was no way Zoe wanted anything to do with him now. </p><p>So in a weird way, Evan had been right. He knew Zoe wouldn’t be upset for long, that it was better to end things before they even began, before he got the chance to truly ruin her life. But somehow, that wasn’t comforting to him. It made him feel even sadder and even lonelier in his experiences. She was on her way to feeling better and he was frozen in his own misery, the same place he’d been since he’d woken up from the dream that the formal had been. </p><p>It wasn’t that he wanted Zoe to feel bad or anywhere near as desolate as him, he didn’t want that at all, but in his selfish, selfish way, the way that only he apparently existed in, kind of wanted her to miss him too. Just so that he would know that everything that happened between them wasn’t made up. </p><p>That it had been real. </p><p>It didn’t mean they could have the things Evan used to daydream about, but Evan thought just maybe, that he might be able to look back someday and remember how happy he’d been. How happy Zoe had been. That just for a few weeks they’d had something special, something unlike anything else Evan had ever experienced. </p><p>But that wasn’t true. They didn’t have anything. Zoe and him were never <em>something</em>. It had all just been in his head. He’d made it all up. He looked deeper into every laugh, every touch, every look, even when he told himself not to, that it would end this way. But he had and he’d created this convoluted fantasy in his head where they could be more. Where they could live happily ever after. Where nothing in his shitty life needed to matter because he had Zoe. </p><p>He'd convinced himself that it’d all been real. He shouldn’t have, but he’d done it anyway because it felt okay in the moment and now, in this moment, Evan deserved to feel all the pain that came from what he’d done. The pain that came with the realization that every single thing he’d grown to love since meeting Connor and Zoe on that fateful day had been embellished. Fake. A lie. On their part anyway. He knew his feelings were real, but he’d attached and romanticized Connor and Zoe’s and that’s why he was here. This was probably the karma he deserved for hoping that something would be better. All hoping did was make him miserable. </p><p>But the more he thought about it, the more it made sense that Zoe didn’t miss him the way he missed her and that was okay. Because he understood. Because he really couldn’t see how anyone could ever really miss him. His parents didn’t; one of them left his life completely without ever seeing him again. His teachers didn’t; not a single one had asked him where he’d been Monday or called home to report him absent like they hadn’t noticed he was gone. When he’d been working, his coworkers didn’t; they didn’t even know his name let alone know him enough to miss him. And now his “friends” didn’t either. </p><p>Evan wouldn’t even know if Zoe and Alana did or not, maybe they were trying to find him, but couldn’t because he was always hiding now, but he didn’t think that was remotely even a possibility. And Connor was looking, but Evan was sure by next week he’d give up, figure out that it wasn’t worth it, that he actually enjoyed Evan being gone. </p><p>Then Connor could rejoin Zoe and Alana and talk about all the stuff he used to be included in. Band, the football games, movies to watch at sleepovers, plans for college, volunteering at the animal shelter, everything that friends talked about. They’d see that Evan didn’t add to those conversations, that he could barely string together a thought on a good day. They wouldn’t have to always be explaining things to him because he was stupid and didn’t know, like when Zoe had to explain the dinner menu because he didn’t know that halibut was a stupid fish. </p><p>They would be so much happier, and honestly, Alana and Zoe probably hadn’t even thought about him since Monday, realizing they had better things. </p><p>Well, actually Alana had texted him a few times, trying to ask if he was okay or needed anything, but he hadn’t responded to her. She was just being polite; the way Alana always was. She didn’t really want him to text back or to see him. He knew that, in that sense he wasn’t stupid. </p><p>Alana wanted to know that she tried, that she’d done the “right thing” at the time but could be thankful that she didn’t actually have to deal with him. She’d only reached out to ease her conscious. It was like when you invited someone somewhere because they’d been there in the moment, but you were really hoping that they’d say no so you wouldn’t have to tell them that you didn’t want them there. That was probably what happened with Connor and Zoe’s birthday, they had probably been hoping he’d say no. </p><p>And Jared was in the same boat as Alana, even if they weren’t really friends, not in the way him and Alana were. </p><p>Evan swears Jared had texted him more since Sunday than he ever had in his whole life and they’d both had cell phones since they’d been ten. But like his messages from Connor and Alana, Evan never responded to Jared’s either. </p><p>He didn’t even bother reading them too, just decided to ignore them. He didn’t need to see them to know what they said. Jared was probably just angry with him because now he’s lost his “in” with Connor, Alana, and Zoe, the people he wanted to be friends with. He couldn’t really hang out with them if Evan wasn’t friends with them anymore. </p><p>No, that was giving Evan too much credit, especially since he’d seen Jared and Connor sitting together in class without him. Zoe was the only one who didn’t really like Jared and that was because of Evan, so now that he was gone, they would probably be friends. </p><p>Jared’s messages were probably much more excited than angry. He was probably gloating to Evan about how happy everyone was with him gone, how they liked Jared more than they ever liked Evan. How everyone was happier now that Jared had taken his spot with the group. Maybe one big “thank you” for finally getting out of the way so Jared could swoop in and steal his friends. Yeah those were probably the things he’d written. 27 messages filled with things exactly like that. And Evan couldn’t bear to open them to see if that was true or not, but he thought it was. </p><p>It doesn’t really occur to Evan that while he’s been thought spiraling, thinking about Zoe and how nobody missed him, that he hadn’t gotten up from his bed to get ready for school. He’d woken up this morning and never moved. He hadn’t really moved since he got home the day before and came back to his bed. </p><p>And it was forty minutes into his first period. Time had just floated past him without him even realizing it, like he had no grasp on reality at all. </p><p>Maybe it was a good thing though. He didn’t need to go to school today, if he’d already missed one class, why not miss all six? School had been exhausting the three days he’d gone this week and he didn’t even want to go. </p><p>He didn’t want to ever go back to school. Or to see another human being ever again. He could just stay in his bed forever, pretend so hard that he didn’t exist until it became true. </p><p>Because school was so hard right now, it felt like it was crushing him, and he probably did need a break from seeing people. Because it wasn’t like he’d see anyone at home. </p><p>Evan hadn’t seen his mom since Monday when she said she’d be home to talk to him about the dance. He knew she had been home, because he’d heard her come home late and leave before he was supposed to get up (he’d barely slept at all this week and mostly just listened to his mom through the walls). </p><p>She’d hadn’t come to check on him at all and Evan supposes that was probably for the best too. He didn’t have to talk about the disaster of a dance then and soon it’d be long enough where if she did ask, he could say, “I don’t really remember” and be vague about things. He didn’t have to defend himself for being so consumed with his grief that he couldn’t eat or really take care of himself. He didn’t have to lie or give her some half-assed excuse as to why the only thing he did now was lay in his bed and sob or stare at the wall. </p><p>She wasn’t home to see any of that, which was a good thing.  </p><p>And in all honesty, Evan’s mom probably didn’t even realize he was home, had probably thought he’d been at the Murphy’s and never thought to check via text or in person. But it wasn’t like he’d left signs that he was home anywhere. The Hansen residence looked like in was uninhabited currently. </p><p>He didn’t turn on the lights in his room ever, even when it got dark. He never ate more than a few crackers in his room, so it wasn’t like there were new dishes in the sink or dishwasher. His dirty clothes basket looked relatively the same because he’d only managed to change his clothes like twice. Heidi couldn’t even check the bathroom for clues if he was home because he’d only been able to shower once (briefly because the water made him want to cry, like a sensory overload and it hurt) and other than that he only went in there to pee when he knew for sure she wasn’t home. So it wasn’t exactly Heidi’s fault that she wasn’t looking for him. Even if she could send him one text. Pop into his room once when she got home. Leave a note saying she saw him sleeping and wanted to see him, wanted to talk to him.</p><p>But she wasn’t going to. She never really had and that wasn’t going to change. And Evan was okay with that. At least he knew that was coming, this was the part of the overwhelming loneliness that he’d been prepared for. He’d spent 10 years figuring out that his mom wasn’t going to check in, that when he was “home” he was utterly alone, that her jobs and now her classes came first. Evan would always be second. It was one of the reasons he’d been so convinced that Heidi wouldn’t even have known what he’d done for several days if his fall had killed him. </p><p>Maybe she’d end up being around today or tonight, Evan didn’t know. The only thing that Evan did know right in this moment was that he wasn’t going to go to school, even if his mom magically showed up today. He was already late, and he just didn’t have the energy to face school today. </p><p>Evan doesn’t really care if he started to fall behind from missing class all the time now. It didn’t really matter how he did in school, he wasn’t going to college, he wasn’t applying for scholarships, he didn’t have teachers or parents who cared how he did academically. So who cared if he stopped going altogether?  </p><p>At least he wouldn’t have to see anyone. He wouldn’t have to try to dodge Connor or get sad when he inevitably searched for Zoe and saw that she was okay. He wouldn’t have to try and find new hiding spots or seats in class. He wouldn’t have to do anything today. </p><p>Maybe he’d feel better on Monday after a few days of not seeing anyone. Maybe he’d try a little harder and make it to school. Probably not, but he wouldn’t have to think about that until Monday. That was a future problem and right now Evan didn’t want to think about the future. </p><p>Right now, all Evan wanted to do was wallow in self-loathing. And he was going to do just that. </p><p>But in the spirit of trying harder in general, maybe he’d leave the house, attempt to leave his bed. Maybe he’d go to a park or something, wallow on a bench or a playground. Maybe climb a tree. No, no he shouldn’t do that, in the state he was in, he didn’t know what he might convince himself to do. If he left the house, only swing sets and park benches for him. Those were safe. Trees were not safe, even if he felt like climbing might help like it used to. Evan didn’t trust himself enough. Maybe he wouldn’t go anywhere, he didn’t know. </p><p>What feels like minutes contemplating whether or not to get up and go to a park, turns out to be hours and Evan realizes once again, that he’s completely lost track of time and now it was the middle of the afternoon. Was this the way he was always going to be now? Dazed and useless? Unable to leave his room for days on end? Yeah probably, or at least until his mom decided she’d had enough and told him to get out, if she even realized. </p><p>Evan’s about to launch himself into another shame spiral about his mom and how invisible and worthless he was when out of nowhere he hears knocking at his front door, instantly making him alert and throwing him out of his weird fugue-like state.</p><p>Who could possibly be at his house? Why would anyone be here? What was going on? Evan quickly checks his phone to see if it might be his mom for some reason, maybe she left her keys inside? But there’s no messages (from her) and that didn’t even make sense, she <em>drove</em> to work, she obviously had her keys. </p><p>What if it was someone from the school, like the truancy officer because Evan had been skipping? Or worse what if it was a burglar or something? Or an axe murderer coming to kill him? Would a burglar or a serial killer even knock on the door? That seemed really polite for a criminal.</p><p>And then, sending Evan into even more of a panicked state is the sound of the front door opening and closing and Evan swears he’s never been more terrified in his life. He can’t even explain or describe the fear coursing through him at the moment and he really wished he’d gotten out of bed and left his house today. </p><p>But what was he supposed to do now? Should he hide? Where would he even hide? His room didn’t have a real closet, only a dresser, and Evan didn’t think he’d fit under his bed. It doesn’t even matter if he <em>should</em> hide or not, because he can’t really move, he was frozen in place in his bed, clutching onto his comforter like it would help him somehow. </p><p>Goddamn his mom for leaving the fucking door unlocked not once but twice this week, leaving him in danger. Didn’t she know that’s how people were murdered in like the 70’s? And now it was happening to him in real life, this wasn’t a podcast or stupid Dateline, someone was here to hurt him, Evan was sure of it. And there was nothing he could do about it. </p><p>Evan’s about to scream as the door to his bedroom comes swinging open, but he instinctively closes his eyes instead and curls into his covers more, hoping the intruder wouldn’t hurt him too much. </p><p>“Evan, what the hell are you doing?” Evan hears the killer say to him and it’s not actually a murderer but the unmistakable voice of Jared Kleinman. What the fuck was Jared doing breaking into his house on a Friday afternoon? What hell was Evan doing, more like what the hell was Jared doing? </p><p>“Jared what the fuck? I thought you were a murderer or something. How the hell did you get into my house?” Evan asks opening his eyes and releasing his death grip on his blankets, now very annoyed that he’d been stressed and panicked for no reason. It wasn’t like he wanted to talk to or see Jared, but he was pretty sure Jared wasn’t in his bedroom because he was on a murder spree. </p><p>“Oh, so he can communicate. I wasn’t sure after an entire week of you being MIA and non-responsive. And I asked my mom where you guys kept the spare key and told her I was bringing you homework because you’d been sick this week. Which I know you haven’t been, even if you look like you’re on the brink of death,” Jared says only a little snarkily, eyeing Evan up and down disapprovingly, probably at his disheveled appearance and general lack of well-being. </p><p>But Evan doesn’t care about Jared’s apparent condemnation of his current state, all he cared about was the fact he didn’t need to blame his mom for almost getting him murdered and figuring out how to get Jared to leave. Evan didn’t care about Jared; the same way Jared didn’t care about him. The faster he left, the better.</p><p>“Then what are you actually doing here?” Evan asks, noticing for the first time that his voice was hoarse and dry, probably because he hadn’t spoken to anyone in a few days and he’d barely drank enough water to get by. He didn’t like the sound of his own voice and he just wants Jared to leave him alone. But he knew Jared was even more persistent than Connor was and wouldn’t leave him alone if he ignored him, just like on the first day of school. It would probably be easier to just see what he wanted and then tell him to leave. </p><p>“I’m here to check on you because you’ve been avoiding me at school and I’m worried about you,” Jared tells him, setting his backpack down and walking over to Evan’s desk chair, sitting down like he was planning on staying a while. Evan didn’t know why Jared thought he was welcome here, in his house, in his room, in his goddamn life. He wasn’t. </p><p>“Why? We’re not friends,” Evan says darkly, deciding that he’d deal with Jared just like he’d dealt with Connor, push him away until he gave up and finally left him alone.  </p><p>“What? Of course we’re friends Evan,” Jared says and Evan looks away from him, not completely understanding the audacity of Jared to claim something like that, something that was completely not true. At least if it were Connor or Zoe or Alana it’d seem a little believable.  </p><p>“No we’re not. You used to tell me that all the time. And now I think the only reason you talk to me is because you think it’ll get you closer to Connor and Zoe and Alana, that they’ll be friends with you if you pretend to be my friend,” Evan tells him, suddenly unafraid to look at him. Evan didn’t know why he was telling Jared exactly what he thought or why he was being kind of mean to him intentionally. But when had Jared ever thought about how he felt when he was being deliberately mean? Never, so Evan didn’t really care. Even the crushed look on Jared’s face wasn’t enough to faze Evan at this point. The only thing he felt was his crushing grief of missing Zoe and Connor, he had no bandwidth for anything else. Especially Jared’s bullshit. </p><p>“That’s not true, but I will give you the fact that I have been really shitty to you before and I’m sorry. I should have told you that a long time ago,” Jared says, apologizing to him for the first time that Evan could remember. Jared didn’t apologize and it was making Evan confused. </p><p>No, actually he wasn’t confused. Evan just didn’t believe him. Whatever the real reason Jared was here for had nothing to do with him wanting to be Evan’s friend or worrying about him. Jared had some ulterior motive, some hidden agenda to trick him into something and Evan wasn’t going to fall for it. Not this time. </p><p>“I don’t believe you,” Evan tells him not at all trying to hide the disdain on his face for whatever was happening at the moment. He’d wished last week that he was in some parallel universe where he could stay with Zoe forever, but maybe he’d been transported to a different one. One where Jared sincerely thought they friends. </p><p>“I mean I guess you don’t have to, but it’s true. And everyone is really worried about you Evan. Can you please explain what’s going on? What happened?” Jared questions, his sad demeanor from Evan telling him they weren’t friends vanishing when his inquisition takes over. Jared looked determined now, like he wasn’t going to leave Evan alone until he answered. </p><p>And Evan was pissed that people kept asking him that. What happened? What’s going on? He didn’t owe anyone an explanation, and shouldn’t they already know? Why did everyone seem confused that Evan had ruined something? It was all he ever did. </p><p>“Why does everyone keep asking me that? Why is it so hard to believe that Zoe doesn’t want to be friends anymore? It was bound to happen and it’s a good thing that I’m out of everyone’s lives now,” Evan yells at Jared, fed up with the constant influx of stupid questions. He knew the truth and everyone else could just figure it out on their own. </p><p>“It’s pretty fucking hard to believe because Zoe Murphy is straight up in love with you Evan,” Jared yells back, not at all affected by Evan’s outburst. In fact, Jared looked more determined than ever to prove something to Evan. And Evan wasn’t expecting him to come back at him with that. Even if he’d inadvertently brought Zoe into the conversation, he wasn’t expecting Jared to make wild claims about her. </p><p>“No, um, no she’s not. Don’t say that,” Evan tells him, slowly letting his anger slip away, replacing it with disbelief and sadness. Zoe didn’t love him. No one loved him. He knew that and Jared trying to convince him otherwise was only going to deepen his depression, give him one tiny glimmer of hope that would be stomped on eventually. </p><p>“Yeah, pretty sure she is. Zoe was ready to stab me with a goddamn butter knife at dinner last week because she thought I <em>smirked</em> at you. She was about to cause a whole-ass scene in the fanciest place I’ve ever been, for <em>you</em>. If that’s not love I don’t know what is,” Jared says, leaning back in Evan’s desk chair in a dangerous looking way. Evan kind of hoped he fell out the chair as karma for spreading lies. So what if Zoe was protective of him when it came to people making fun of his anxiety? That was her just being nice. Evan was positive she reacted the same way when Jared had told Connor he looked like a school shooter. </p><p>Jared didn’t know Zoe well enough to understand that was just <em>her</em>. It didn’t mean she was in love with him. </p><p>“And for the record, I’d like to point out that I wasn’t laughing at you and Zoe can chill on her prey drive. I was laughing at Alana very obviously trying to flirt with Emo Egdelord Murphy and him not realizing at all,” Jared says, once again surprising Evan. At dinner Evan had thought, just like Zoe, that Jared had been making fun of him for having Zoe order and ordering the same thing as her because he’d been hesitant about everything at the restaurant. It seemed like something Jared would do, and he’d made fun of him before for things like that, so it had made sense at the time. </p><p>“What?” Evan asks, trying to circle back to Jared’s claims of Zoe being in love with him. What if Jared had more substantial evidence? What if Jared, someone who was mostly on the outside looking in, saw something that Evan had missed? Probably not, but maybe it was worth trying to figure out? </p><p>But Jared obviously doesn’t understand which thing Evan was referring to and answers in his usual haughty way, “You know for four people who hang out all the time, you guys don’t really see anything that’s going on.” </p><p>Evan can only assume that Jared’s talking about Connor and Alana, thinking it was the first time Evan had heard that about them, but it wasn’t. Evan had his suspicions about Connor and Alana a long time ago, almost since Alana had started hanging out with them. </p><p>“No I knew about Connor and Alana that’s not what I was talking about. I don’t think Zoe’s in love with me. I think you’re seeing things Jared,” Evan says, deciding that Jared didn’t see anything, there was nothing new that could convince Evan that him and Zoe might have a chance. They couldn’t, right?  Evan was just trying to make something happen that never could.</p><p>“Dude, she totally is. And you’re right, I am seeing things, it’s pretty freaking obvious to anyone who has eyes. I bet even old Mrs. Rosen from temple who’s actually blind could tell Zoe’s obsessed with you and you are with her,” Jared tells him, laughing just a little bit and spinning around in Evan’s chair, but Evan weirdly doesn’t think it’s because he’s trying to make fun of him some more. </p><p>But it didn’t matter if Zoe liked him or not, he’d thought that too at one point. At one point he was so sure that they were going to be together and happy that he’d planned on asking her to the formal prom-posal style, he’d even been researching ways to do it. But that was before Connor dropped the devastating news on him that everything would change for the worse if they were together, that none of them would be friends anymore and it’d be all his fault. </p><p>And with that came the realization that none of it mattered, because eventually, at some point when they were out of their “honeymoon” phase Zoe would see. Zoe would know that he wasn’t worth staying with. Evan would ruin their relationship the same way he ruined their friendship. He’d only done what he had so that he got it over with early, so it’d hurt less. </p><p>“It doesn’t matter, none of it matters,” Evan tells Jared sadly, not knowing when his annoyance at Jared for showing up unannounced at his house had left and been replaced by the ability to actually hold a conversation with someone about a little of what had been plaguing him this week. </p><p>“Evan, of course it matters. Zoe Murphy likes you and you’ve liked her for what, three years? The fact that you’re here, alone, skipping school, not taking care of yourself instead of holding her hand or kissing her or whatever cute shit you both normally do is crazy. Looney-bin crazy,” Jared says, stopping his playing with the chair to look directly at Evan, like he was absolutely serious. </p><p>“No, Jared you’re wrong and it doesn’t matter because we can’t be together anyway,” Evan tells him quietly, all his emotions from this entire week feeling like they were at an all time high. It was weird to hear someone tell him how much they thought Zoe wanted to be with him while at the same time knowing that she couldn’t. </p><p>“Why? Why would you think that and why has no one told you how stupid you are yet?” Jared asks and Evan can’t really tell if Jared wants a real answer or not to both of those questions. No one had to tell Evan he was stupid; he already knew that. And he thought him and Zoe couldn’t be together for so many reasons, did Jared really want to hear them all? </p><p>“Because we’d break-up eventually when I fucked up again or, or whenever Connor found out,” Evan says, giving Jared the two simplest answers, but lowering his voice when he talked about Connor. He’d never said it aloud before and he was scared that Jared might think he was blaming Connor for his own shortcomings. </p><p>“Yeah that first one’s not a reason to not try and the second one is shit too. What does Connor have to do with you and Zoe?” Jared questions him in a way that Evan hadn’t expected. Evan had kind of thought Jared would agree with him, he’d known Evan for such a long time and knew how much of a fuck-up he was. And did he really not see how Connor was completely involved? Well, actually it wasn’t like Jared knew about what Connor had threatened and maybe Jared thought the same thing that Evan had, that nothing would change except Zoe and Evan would hold hands and be cutesy more openly. Was Evan supposed to tell Jared what had happened? Would it even help anything if he did? What if Jared went back to Connor or Zoe and told them what Evan had said that he’d thrown Connor completely under the bus? </p><p>Evan didn’t know what to do and Jared was just staring at him, expecting some sort of answer or acknowledgement and finally Evan decides to just tell him. If it blew up in his face, there was no way he could feel worse than he did right now, so Evan guesses it might be okay. </p><p>“Connor told me we couldn’t be friends anymore if me and Zoe started dating,” Evan says quietly, feeling very weird. He’d never admitted that to someone before. Him and Connor hadn’t even really talked about it since he first said it that night so many weeks ago. Saying it out loud kind of made Evan want to cry, but he doesn’t. Mostly because he doesn’t want to cry in front of Jared. </p><p>But Jared must realize that on the roulette of emotions that Evan had displayed since he’d gotten there that this one was different, that Evan was genuinely upset and scared, because Jared gets up from the desk chair and comes to sit at the end of Evan’s bed, across from him. </p><p>“He said that to you?” Jared asks, not in disbelief of Evan, but in disbelief that Connor would say something like that. Jared had probably hung around them enough to realize that Connor in real life wasn’t like the Connor in the rumor mill at school. Connor wasn’t mean and he wasn’t vindictive. Connor cared so much about his friends and his sister, that it was kind of unbelievable that he would actively prevent something that would make his best friend and his little sister really happy. </p><p>All Evan can do is nod, still feeling really overwhelmed by what he’d finally admitted to someone. But Jared doesn’t seem thrown by Evan’s confirmation and simply continues on empathetically, “Well that’s fucked, and a total dick move on Connor’s part.” </p><p>“Yeah I guess so, I never thought about it that way before. It mostly made me feel like I had to choose between them, that if I did something, I’d be forcing Zoe to pick between me and her brother. And I guess you wouldn’t know, but they’ve, they’ve just been through so much and I didn’t want to destroy their relationship too. I didn’t want either of them to resent me or each other. I just want Zoe to be happy and I could never give her that. I was protecting her from myself,” Evan tells him, spilling everything he’d been hiding inside of himself this week, well really since Connor had brought it up. Evan supposes it felt kind of okay to talk to someone who wasn’t so completely invested in the situation. Jared didn’t have anything to gain or lose really by listening to Evan. </p><p>“Yeah, that’s a lot and it must have sucked bigtime but that last bit? That’s some real martyr bullshit. You know that Zoe’s been an absolute wreck this week right? And Connor too. All they do is talk about if you’re okay or not and how to get you to talk to them. Well Connor mostly, I haven’t exactly talked to Zoe, but I’ve seen her. You’re not protecting them by keeping yourself squirreled away from them,” Jared says, confusing Evan some more. They weren’t a wreck; Evan had seen them too and they’d been doing okay. Maybe Jared was lying to him. </p><p>But then what reason would Jared have to lie right now? It didn’t really benefit him in anyway to lie to Evan right now. And then again, he hadn’t thought about it before, but he knew Zoe was good at hiding her pain. She’d done it almost her entire high school career. And before he really knew her, he’d completely believed the lie she’d sold so effortlessly. He thought that she was so happy and had so many friends. He’d thought she was everything he could never be.</p><p>That was all a real lie though. Zoe had hidden herself away underneath a pretty smile and a guitar solo. Maybe she was doing the same thing right now. </p><p>Maybe he’d thought spiraled himself into another lie, one where Zoe was okay with what he’d done because it was easier to believe that way. Easier to think it was all ruined and he didn’t have a chance. Maybe Evan had convinced himself that this was easier than trying to fix things. Than standing up for himself and for her. </p><p>Maybe that was Evan’s problem. </p><p>“I…well…then what am I supposed to do about Connor, huh? Tell Zoe we could be together if she even still wants that and then wait for Connor to yell at us and freak out?” Evan asks desperately, somewhat wondering what kind of advice Jared could possibly give him. Because his plan obviously had disastrous results. Maybe Jared could offer something. </p><p>“No you dumbass, first you tell them that you’re alive. Second, you make sure Zoe’s okay. I know she doesn’t really like me, but I want her to. Third, you talk to Connor and find out why he’s upset with it. Plan set. And also I don’t think Connor will be all that upset, maybe he was, but I don’t think he is anymore,” Jared tells him confidently, like he’d just come up with the best plan ever. Evan had to admit it wasn’t terrible. It wouldn’t be easy by any means, but it was better than what he’d come up with, cutting them out of his life completely. He’d never really talked to Connor about why he didn’t want them to be together, he’d just taken him at his word and tried to avoid it after that because it stressed him out. </p><p>“What makes you think Connor won’t be upset? He was really against our outfits matching for the formal and he yelled at me about it,” Evan says remembering how upset he’d also been both times Connor had yelled at him about it. </p><p>“I don’t know, but I think he’s had a change of heart. He seemed really chill with the idea of you two getting back together or together for the first time I guess,” Jared explains, making Evan wonder how exactly that had come up in their conversation, it didn’t seem like something Connor and Jared would talk about it.</p><p>“He said that?” Evan questions, still not one hundred percent sure that Connor had said all that with the way he’d blown up at Evan earlier. Had he really changed his mind? What could’ve happened since last week that Connor wouldn’t even tell Evan? </p><p>“Yeah, we were talking and I made some offhand comment about Zoe missing her boyfriend i.e. <em>you</em>, and I mean I guess Connor did shove me a little and correct me to <em>best friend</em> but then he said you guys could figure out boyfriend or not when this whole thing was fixed,” Jared says, fiddling with the edge of one of Evan’s many blankets that he’d piled onto his bed.</p><p>“I…wait, wh-what? I don’t understand,” Evan mumbles, genuinely confused as to why Jared knew all this and he didn’t. Well, maybe because Jared had actually talked to Connor this week and all he’d done was hide from him and push him. But he’d been afraid that Connor would yell at him and hate him even more. How was he supposed to know that Connor changed his mind? </p><p>“Have you talked to Connor about it since that first time he brought it up?” Jared asks, trying to figure whatever this weird timeline was. </p><p>“I mean no, but mostly because he got really mad at me in between then and now. He thought I asked his mom to purposely get me clothes to match Zoe’s for the dance and that was right before we picked out the girls’ flowers,” Evan tells him, and could that have really been last week? It felt like a lifetime ago. He’d been so excited then, even with thinking that he couldn’t get too close to Zoe. He’d ended up doing the exact opposite of that and in turn triggered this cascade of terrible events. </p><p>“Evan that might as well be like a hundred years ago. I think you need to talk to him. And Zoe. Possibly together. They want you to be in their lives and whatever your anxiety is telling you, it’s the liar here. Not you. Not them. Not me,” Jared says, and it sounded like something Dr. Sherman would tell him, even though he hadn’t seen her in over two weeks. Maybe he needed to make a new appointment and discuss this. But maybe Jared would do for now. </p><p>“Jared, do you really think that?” Evan asks quietly wanting to believe Jared so badly. It was hard to think that Jared would be telling him the truth, but maybe he was. Maybe he was trying to make up for all the not nice things he’d done to Evan in the past. Maybe this could be their true clean slate. </p><p>“Yeah and I want you in my life too. And I’m really sorry I made you think something else. You’re one of my only friends and the only other ones are actually your friends who sometimes tolerate me,” Jared admits sadly, and Evan remembers how crushed Jared had looked earlier when he’d told him they weren’t friends. </p><p>“That’s not true Jar, well maybe Zoe, but Connor does like you and Alana’s nice to anyone who’s nice to her,” Evan tells him, trying to make him feel better. He felt super strange though, aware that his emotions had completely flipped in the time that Jared had been here and not exactly sure what to make of it. But he thinks it’s a good thing. And to think that he’d been angry with Jared for basically breaking into house.</p><p>“Do you think I could be like a real part of your group then, when you and the Murphy’s kiss and make up?” Jared asks, covering his sincerity with a slight jab at Evan’s situation with Zoe and Connor. Evan would let it slide this time, but only because Jared had been instrumental in turning his thought process around. </p><p>“Yeah if you’re not an asshole all the time,” Evan says, giving Jared a small grin, not quite a smile, but hopefully enough to let Jared know that Evan was mostly kidding. Not completely though because if he really did want to be Zoe’s friend, his general asshat-ness would have to be reigned in some. And maybe that would come with some security. It had for Evan until he’d blown it. But he thinks he could maybe get back to that place too. </p><p>“Best I can do is sometimes,” Jared laughs, and Evan surprisingly laughs along with him, the first time he’d laughed the whole week and it sounded almost foreign at this point. But maybe it wouldn’t soon.</p><p>Evan thinks Jared had maybe made some really good points and it seemed like he was more up to date than Evan was with Evan’s friends. Maybe instead of staring at the wall all day and convincing himself that everyone in his life hated him, he could just try to talk to Zoe and Connor? </p><p>He figures he honestly didn’t have that much to lose in the long run. If they didn’t want to talk to him, then he’d known all along that his inner voice was right and he’d be back in this same situation. Which was pretty much rock bottom. He couldn’t possibly feel any worse than how he felt this week, there was no way. </p><p>All he had was the ability to gain his friends back. Because what if everything Jared was telling him was true? What if he didn’t have to needlessly suffer trying to keep himself away from his two best friends because they really, truly did want him, even just as a friend. He supposes he take them in any capacity that they’d give him after what he’d done. </p><p>Evan needed some time to think of a good apology for Connor and Zoe, separately for what he’d done to each of them and he also needed to apologize to Alana too for trying to ice her out too. He’d take tonight to figure everything out and he’d try to talk to them tomorrow. That way too he’d give himself some time to fix his appearance or what Jared had aptly described as “on the brink of death”. It might be vain, but he didn’t want Zoe to think he looked completely terrible when she saw him again. She’d seen him on Monday, but he knew without looking at himself that he was much worse than Monday.</p><p>“Well actually speaking of Mrs. Rosen, my mom told her that I would watch her cat for her while she visited her son for the weekend. So I have to go feed the fluffy menace, but I swear to god Evan if you don’t start answering texts, I’ll be back here and I might just actually murder you,” Jared tells him getting up from his bed and Evan follows him, getting up for the first time all day. It was kind of nice to be out of his bed. He should’ve done this sooner. </p><p>“No, I will and I’ll talk to Connor, Zoe, and Alana. I swear. And um, thanks for coming over Jared and checking on me. I obviously needed it, you really helped today. And I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier,” Evan says, figuring he could start his apology tour with Jared. He really was grateful that his strategies of trying to push Jared away early on hadn’t worked. He felt like he had real hope now. That things could maybe get better. </p><p>“Don’t worry about it, Evan. You’re my best friend and I do want you to be okay and I want to help you and Connor and Zoe. I’m sorry I didn’t try sooner or tell you sooner,” Jared says, surprising Evan with another apology. Evan never thought he’d ever hear Jared apologize to him, but he appreciated it and if Jared was going to be this sincere all the time, then he really did want him in part of his life. </p><p>“It’s better than never,” Evan tells him, remembering saying that exact thing to Connor that day on the boardwalk when he’d been encouraging him to apologize and talk to Zoe. He’d even told him that if the situations were reversed, he’d be hiding and claiming they hated him. Well his past self had been exactly right about what he would do, because he’d done just that. But Connor had reassured him then and taken his advice, so maybe it was time that Evan take his own advice too. </p><p>“Yeah that true. And also, if you do go see them, you might want to shower, maybe change your clothes. You look grungy Evan, definitely not boyfriend material,” Jared teases, grabbing his backpack from Evan’s desk and Evan wants to defend himself, but he knows Jared is right. </p><p>“Shut up Jared, but I will. And I’ll text you later, have fun with Mrs. Rosen’s cat,” Evan tells him already going to his dresser for a new set of clothes to change into after he took a shower. </p><p>“You better, because if you don’t just remember that I have a key now,” Jared laughs and for the final surprise of this spontaneous intervention, walks up to Evan and gives him a hug. Evan’s shocked but hugs him back because it really does make him feel better. He missed hugging his friends and he especially missed hugging Zoe, missed the way she fit perfectly within his arms. But maybe he could get that back. Maybe everything wasn’t too far gone yet. </p><p>Jared breaks away from their hug and waves to Evan as he leaves and Evan returns his wave, and continues to gather up his clothes, taking them with him to the bathroom as he hears Jared lock the door behind him. Good, no potential murderers while Evan would be in the shower.</p><p>Unlike the last he showered, the water feels really nice and cleansing, the fresh start that he needed to get going again. Evan needed this and he needed Jared, the one person who wouldn’t coddle him to snap him out of his misery. He could still feel it though, creeping in on the outskirts of his mind, but he wouldn’t let it take over. Not this time. </p><p>Once Evan’s dressed, he brushes his teeth and goes back to his room, but only to toss his dirty clothes in the basket and grab his keys. He needed somewhere else to think, somewhere that wouldn’t swallow him in despair like his bed. He needed clean air and the last little bit of sun that would be out for the day. He always had the clearest head when he was outside, and he would need that if he wanted to think of the major way he needed to apologize to his best friends. </p><p>There was still a chance he could fix this. He could do this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So Jared really cares about Evan and I think it's sweet that he's figuring out how to show it. And for those of you who guessed that Jared wasn't laughing at Evan at dinner, you were correct! He's trying really hard and I hope this chapter showcased that! </p><p>Now next up is Zoe's chapter again and like this one, it will be sad at first because she's not doing great even if Evan thought she was...so stay tuned for that next week!!!!!</p><p>P.S. Sorry if there's typos, I sped edited this (like always lol)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. I Can't Pretend It's Okay When It's Not Pt.II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zoe and Connor have a little talk.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi Everyone!!! So I'm pretty excited about this chapter even though I'm not sure it turned out all that great. Hopefully no one is disappointed by Zoe's POV and her reasonings/feelings. And it's a smidge shorter than the last couple chapters, but it's been a hell of week for me and I wasn't even sure if I'd finish completely, but I have something. That being said, I still think the ending is good and hopefully it'll make up for anything else in the chapter. I don't know. I hope so! </p>
<p>Anyway, like every single week, I'm completely baffled and in awe about how wonderfully kind and supportive you guys are. Any and all forms of support, from reading each week to subscribing to leaving comments, are appreciated and I am so thankful for it all. You lovely readers are awesome and thank you again!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zoe was feeling the absolute worst she’d ever felt in her entire life. She’d been through a lot, specifically in the last couple years, but this? Nothing compared to this. Not even getting home from the hospital and finding out her parents had sent Connor away. And she didn’t think anything could ever be worse than that. </p>
<p>But right now, she felt like she’d never recover from this pain, that she’d carry it around with her forever. Because at least last time, she knew her bruises would heal, and she knew that at some point, no matter how long it took, that Connor would come home. She knew both those things would happen. Her pain had a timeline. </p>
<p>But this pain? The constant sadness that hung on her like cloak? She didn’t know when it would end or how it would end. The only thing she knew was that she missed Evan. She missed Evan so much that it was physically hurting her, in so many different ways and there wasn’t a way to fix it. </p>
<p>Zoe had gotten into the nasty habit of throwing up all the time, like her body was rejecting her broken heart. Not that throwing up was ever easy, but this was harder because she also never really felt like eating, so every time it happened, it was sour and filed with bile and had her even more disgusted with herself. </p>
<p>And that wasn’t the only thing happening. She couldn’t focus on anything, even the things she liked. Zoe was sure she’d failed a quiz this week, even with knowing the answers. She couldn’t finish a single arrangement, even though she was telling people she was practicing and working on them. Her brain felt all jumbled and like every thought was twisted into a different reality. Nothing made sense anymore. </p>
<p>She wasn’t sleeping either. When she went to bed every night, it was like her memories of the dance and then the two days that followed were on an endless loop. Reminding her constantly of how happy she’d been. Dancing with Evan. Holding Evan’s hand. <em>Kissing Evan</em>, her very first kiss. Telling Alana about how magical it had been. How much she wanted to be with Evan and how he felt the same way. And then the nightmare part happens and everything that happened following Saturday was thrown back in her face, forcing her into remembering how terrible everything had been. How terrible she’d been to Evan. How scared he was and how much she ignored that to yell at him. How she’d stormed out, leaving him alone. The thing she knew he was most scared of. But she’d done that to him. And her conscious never wanted her to forget.</p>
<p>Zoe spent most nights crying the entire night, curled into her covers, trying to make herself forget. Make herself sleep for even a few hours. But it never worked. All it did was make her face blotchy and red and make horrible dark circles underneath her eyes. </p>
<p>But those she could keep hidden. That was easy, especially since her and Alana had spent so much time talking about make-up Saturday night while they’d been getting ready. Now Zoe knew the easiest way to cover it all up. Some primer here, some foundation there, concealer dabbed on with her pinky, 10 minutes in front of the mirror and no one would know. </p>
<p>And she knew she couldn’t hide it all, like she knew that Connor and Alana both knew that she was sad, that her and Evan were going through something, but she didn’t want them to know how bad it’d gotten. She didn’t want anyone to know. She never wanted anyone to know whenever she felt bad and this was so much more than that. No one could know. If they did, they’d try to help her, and she didn’t want that. She didn’t want her friends wasting their time trying to comfort her.</p>
<p>Because she didn’t deserve to feel happy or comforted, all she deserved was to feel this pain, to live in it. Because it was her own fault. She’d made the situation a hundred times worse and now she didn’t know what to do. This was like her penance. </p>
<p>And really, she didn’t want <em>their</em> comfort. </p>
<p>All she wanted was Evan’s.</p>
<p>Zoe wanted Evan back more than anything. She wanted him to hug her and tell her everything would be okay, and that he forgave her. She wanted him back in the floor of her room, listening to her play, telling her how talented and special she was. She wanted him to hold her and tell her that he’d support her and listen to her, no matter how small her problem was. She wanted him to kiss her forehead and tell her he’d be there to love her forever. All she wanted was Evan. </p>
<p>And she wasn’t sure if that would ever be a real possibility ever again. How could it be? Not when she’d been so awful to him. How could he possibly ever forgive her? Evan had very obviously been scared and had let his anxiety get to him, convince him that he’d done something terrible. He was probably spiraling about how bad it was that he’d kissed her, that somehow he’d taken advantage of her, that he was to blame for ruining everything. She knew he was already feeling all that, and she’d went in and yelled at him, told him he was hurting her more, and then stormed out. </p>
<p>She knew now that her actions had probably made everything so much worse, probably done irreparable damage, but at the time, she’d been so upset she couldn’t think to do anything else. He’d told her the one thing she’d never thought he would, that they couldn’t be together. And it shattered her heart into a million little pieces, like it’d been made completely of glass. </p>
<p>And it didn’t even make sense because he was telling her that he liked her, that he wanted to be with her, that she hadn’t done anything wrong, then refused to be with her. Completely rejected her. </p>
<p>After everything they’d done together. After every line had been crossed already. After they’d danced so sweetly. After making her tummy flutter with every little look. After kissing her back every single time she’d kissed him. After treating her like a girlfriend weeks before this. After she’d already written him into her future. Made him a cornerstone of her life. </p>
<p>And she wouldn’t have been so forward, not if she’d known what would come from it. But Zoe had been so sure that everything they’d done was exactly what Evan had wanted too. She’d asked him every step of the way and every time he’d said yes. She just didn’t understand how all of that led to what happened Monday. In every scenario she’d played out in her head, none of them went like this. Her worst-case thought had been Evan might want to pull back on intimate stuff like kissing for a while. She never considered that he’d cut himself out of her life completely.</p>
<p>How had something so perfect, so fairytale like, come crashing down in a fiery blaze of wrath and anguish? How had she let this happen? How could she have been so naïve and stupid? </p>
<p>She had at least had enough wits about her to tell Evan to come back to her when he was feeling better and at the time, she had really thought he was going to do just that. That maybe this “fight” or whatever would be resolved in a day or two when Evan realized he had nothing to be scared of when it came to them. And even if he was still scared, she could help him. They could face it together.</p>
<p>Zoe had thought that telling him that, even if her tone hadn’t hidden her feelings at all, would make him understand. She thought Evan would know that she didn’t hate him and still wanted nothing more than to be with him, just not when he was acting like that. </p>
<p>Which wasn’t even true. Zoe wanted to be with him even when he was acting like that. She never wanted to be apart from him. She wanted to be the one who comforted him, who he trusted when things felt too overwhelming. Zoe wanted to be the one who told him everything would be okay, that no matter what they’d figure it out together. </p>
<p>She thought they could be that for each other. </p>
<p>But that wasn’t what happened. Evan hadn’t talked to her in almost a week and it was all her fault. She’d been impulsive and angry and rash. And she’d thrown salt right in his wounds and hurt him even more. She hurt the person she loved more than anything and she didn’t know how to fix any of it.   </p>
<p>And to make things in her life even more miserable, she didn’t know how Evan was doing at all. She knew that he’d been at school at least Tuesday and Wednesday, but that was just from Connor spending his lunch trying to find him. She hadn’t actually seen him at all. </p>
<p>Zoe tried looking for him, every chance she got, hoping that maybe catching a glimpse of him would make her feel better like it used to. She wanted to know how he was doing, if he was okay or not. But Evan was good at hiding and had managed to keep himself from her this whole week. </p>
<p>To be fair though, she wasn’t really seeking him out, not in the way Connor was. And honestly, he was probably hiding in the greenhouse because she knew that was his favorite place on campus, but part of her had been too scared to go looking. </p>
<p>She wanted to talk to him, she really did, but she was afraid of getting hurt even more. What if she couldn’t control herself when it didn’t go her way again? What if she caused Evan to be even more upset with her and in more pain? She didn’t want to do that to him or to herself.</p>
<p>And she knew that if they were going to talk, it had to be in person. Texting just didn’t feel right and there’s no way Evan would answer a phone call from her right now. He would’ve before, thinking that was an emergency and she needed him, but she didn’t think that was the case anymore. Even though it was an emergency and she did need him.</p>
<p>They needed to meet in person so that Evan could see that she was serious about him. That she regretted everything she’d yelled at him. So he could see how confused and heartbroken she was. He couldn’t deny her real emotions and body language the way she knew he’d deny anything she wrote in a text, or even over the phone, and that was if he opened the messages or answered the phone, both of which were not likely. It had to be in person and she just didn’t know if she’d ever be capable of doing that. </p>
<p>Of putting her heart out on the line again, only for Evan to drop it again. She was barely getting through this; she wouldn’t be able to do it a second time. </p>
<p>But at least she knew that Connor was trying to talk to him and was making sure that he was okay. She had a strong feeling that Evan was probably dodging Connor too, because he always seemed the smallest bit frustrated when he came back to sit with her and Alana at lunch.</p>
<p>Connor never mentioned it to her though. He hadn’t really been talking about Evan to her since Monday morning when he threatened to make him apologize to her. And it was probably because she’d been so upset, and Connor didn’t want to add to that. He’d been so delicate with her since they’d made up and she knew he thought that their relationship was still fragile. And she guesses it kinda was, but not really. She knew for fact that Connor had changed, for the better and for forever. She knew without a doubt her brother would never do anything to put their relationship in jeopardy ever again. </p>
<p>And it was sweet he was looking out for her feelings and trying to protect from more bad news. She appreciated it more than he probably knew. Because those first few days, she probably would have broken down into a blubbery mess and just sobbed and sobbed to him about everything. And she wasn’t exactly sure how Connor would respond to that. </p>
<p>What if he blamed Evan for everything and got mad at him? What if he stopped trying to talk to Evan and then Evan thought they never wanted to see him again? What if Connor did something else instead that ended up hurting Evan more? </p>
<p>She wasn’t going to let anything more happen to Evan, especially taking away his best friend. Evan needed one of them, right now more than ever, and if couldn’t be her, then it had to be Connor. Evan needed Connor, even if it was just to avoid him. Evan had to see that they were trying that his best friends hadn’t given up on him. She couldn’t risk him not having that. </p>
<p>Zoe didn’t want Evan to feel completely alone right now, even though he probably did. She knew how bad that would be for him, but she didn’t want to think about that right now. But she knew he was probably thinking about how all of them were fine without him, moving on without him. </p>
<p>Even if Zoe hadn’t seen Evan at all this week, she just had a feeling that he’d seen her somehow. And he’d probably seen her with either Alana or Connor or both. And so he knew they were all still talking and she knew he’d think that was a sign or something that everyone was fine. That everyone was better off without him. But they weren’t. </p>
<p>Zoe wasn’t. Not in the slightest. </p>
<p>But there wasn’t a lot she could do about it. So her only plan was to once again curl up in her bed. There wasn’t a football game at home tonight, thank god, which meant Zoe had no obligations to do anything. And there was no way she could lead the band tonight. All she could do and was planning on doing tonight was laying in her bed, watching Netflix, and trying to keep some food down. Maybe try to get through one night without crying (but that was probably too much to ask for).  </p>
<p>As soon as she’d gotten home from school, she’d washed her face from all the make-up she’d put on that morning and changed into leggings and a sweatshirt of Evan’s that he must have left at their house that she’d found yesterday (it still smelled like him and she couldn’t bring herself to not wear it when she was home and all alone), and immediately got into her bed. Her goal of eating something tonight would have to wait because for now she was too tired for that, exhausted by another day of feeling helpless and sad.</p>
<p>Zoe’s about 20 minutes into some documentary she’d found about puppies (anything else felt like would remind her of Evan, the puppies still kind of did because Evan was sometimes very puppy-like, but it was better than anything with people in it) when she hears a very gentle knock on her door.</p>
<p>And before she can tell her mom to just go away, that she wasn’t hungry, her door opens slowly and very hesitantly Connor comes through, closing the door behind him and flicking on the lights she had turned off. Damn, she wished she had locked the door, but she hadn’t really been expecting anyone to come to her room tonight. </p>
<p>“Hey Zo, I know I should’ve waited for you to let me in, but I really need to talk to you. It’s important,” Connor tells her, wringing his hands anxiously, starting to pace in front of her bed.</p>
<p>“Okay, it’s okay Connor, you can talk to me,” Zoe tells him, putting her laptop away and sitting up in her bed. She didn’t know exactly what was so important for Connor to be this anxious about, but the pit of dread in her stomach was telling her it was about Evan. And if Connor was finally coming to her, then it must not be good.</p>
<p>“So I’ve been trying really hard to give you space and um, wait for you to come to me to talk and everything, because I know you and Evan got into an argument about something. And before I didn’t want to push you too far or make you even more upset than you already are. But something is not okay with Evan. He didn’t even come to school today; I couldn’t find him at all. And I’m just really worried about him. I’ve been trying to help, but I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to help either one of you at this point, and I hate that this is happening,” Connor rambles on continuing to pace in front of her, and Zoe can’t remember a time where Connor had ever been this stressed about anything. He never spoke that fast or rambled and she knew he was completely serious, about wanting to help and about being scared for Evan. </p>
<p>“Are you sure he wasn’t at school today? He wasn’t just hiding somewhere, the greenhouse maybe?” Zoe asks, hoping that maybe Connor just didn’t look everywhere, that Evan really had come to school today, but she knows he’s right without him even having to answer. </p>
<p>“I mean I guess he could’ve been, but I looked everywhere Zo, I swear, even the greenhouse. And if he did come to school, he still skipped three classes today and he skipped ours yesterday too. Evan doesn’t skip class, it’s like he just doesn’t care. It’s bad Zoe, really bad,” Connor tells her and it somehow makes her feel even worse. Her heart ached for Evan, knowing that he was alone, that he was closing himself off from everyone entirely, he was giving up on the things that were important to him. And she’d hadn’t tried to help him at all. In fact, she contributed to probably the worst of it. </p>
<p>All because she didn’t just stay and try to talk to him more. She’d left him alone to suffer a broken heart too. This was all her fault, but maybe there was some way she could fix it. Connor was offering to help, maybe he’d understand how complicated everything was, maybe he’d be able to reassure Evan about whatever he was so scared of. Maybe they could help their best friend together. </p>
<p>“Um, that one time that you did talk, did Evan, um did he tell you about our, um, fight?” Zoe asks, already starting to feel stressed and upset about what she was going to have to tell Connor. But maybe Evan had told him a little already? She needed to know exactly how much Connor knew. </p>
<p>“No, he didn’t say anything. And you don’t have to either if you really don’t want to Zo, it’s okay. But I don’t think he’ll listen to anyone else but you, so I need your help, we have to help him,” Connor says desperately, but also still considerately, giving Zoe the option of telling him what happened, but at her own pace. And as tempting as it was to leave her own actions out of Monday’s debacle, she probably had to tell Connor that Evan was so upset <em>because</em> of her, that she wasn’t sure how much he’d listen to her either. She wanted nothing more than to fix everything, to have Evan back, but what if she just made everything worse? </p>
<p>“And I’m really scared about him. What if he does something to hurt himself or, or, I don’t know. I just want us to be normal again,” Connor continues to tell her as Zoe thought about how much to tell him, taking her silence as cue to keep going, confess what he was truly scared about Evan doing. </p>
<p>“Do you really think he might do something like that?” Zoe asks the tears already welling in her eyes, just thinking about the person she loved so much doing something to intentionally hurt themselves. She’d never forgive herself if Evan did something and she was hiding in her room watching a puppy documentary.</p>
<p>“I mean I don’t know for sure Zo, but he might, because I think I might have,” Connor says, pausing his pacing to come join her on her bed, gently reaching his hand out to comfort her. But she didn’t need his comfort, Evan did. And there was no way she was going to let Evan hurt himself. She’d do everything in her power to make sure he was okay. Even if they didn’t make up tonight, her and Connor had to do something to check on him. They had to find him somehow. </p>
<p>But that meant that Connor probably did need to know everything. He needed to know that this “fight” was bigger than a petty argument. That it had broken both of them. </p>
<p>“Well, it started after the dance on Saturday,” Zoe starts, tears starting to fall slowly down her face, even though she didn’t want them to, she wanted to be strong and just tell her brother so they could get to Evan faster, but it still hurt to think about.</p>
<p>Connor takes her hand softly and Zoe takes a moment to wipe the tears from her face, squeezing Connor’s hand once, but keeps her eyes focused on her lap, somewhat nervous about how Connor would take this next part, “After you and Alana fell asleep, we stayed up talking and it was so nice and then I…and then I kissed him and it was perfect and wonderful and I was so happy. I thought that it meant Evan liked me too, that we would be together.” </p>
<p>Zoe glances up at Connor to see how he was taking the news of his little sister and best friend potentially getting together (something she never thought he’d have a problem with until now, considering she obviously didn’t have a good grasp on anyone’s feelings). But surprisingly, Connor is calm and just nods, urging her to continue. </p>
<p>“And Sunday he was all weird and left early and I knew something was wrong. Then I really did just think he was sick, he looked terrible when I went to check on him after school on Monday. But he wasn’t. All he did was tell me we couldn’t be together and then I got so upset Con. I was, I was so mean to him and so terrible. And I…and I love him. I love him so much, but I hurt him so much,” Zoe admits, her gentle tears from before turning into heart wrenching sobs as she said aloud for the first time that she loved him, that she was in love with Evan Hansen. And that she was responsible for all his pain and hurt. It’s too much to look at Connor, the unknown scaring her too much, so Zoe sets her head on her knees, crying into the crook of her own arm. </p>
<p>She knew that Evan wasn’t okay when she left him, but she’d done it anyway. And this whole week she’d convinced herself it was maybe okay because Connor was trying in place of her. But now? Now Connor thought Evan was in a bad enough place to hurt himself and she couldn’t shake knowing that it was her fault. </p>
<p>“Oh Zo, I had no idea,” Connor tells her, letting go of her hand to wrap his arm around her crumpled form, letting her cry on him, a much gentler approach than Zoe was expecting. But at least he wasn’t mad at Evan for making her cry like he’d been on Tuesday. It’s enough to make her look up at him, scooting a little closer to him, feeling one iota better because it didn’t seem like Connor would be upset with her or Evan. </p>
<p>“And, and, and he kept saying that everything would change and that it would be a really bad thing, that he’d lose everything. He wouldn’t give me another reason except that and that’s when I got mad. I yelled at him that he was hurting me, that he shouldn’t talk to me until he was himself again,” Zoe saying crying into Connor more, regretting every single thing she’d said to Evan. She should have never told him not to talk to her. She should have listened to him better, been the partner he needed. </p>
<p>Zoe feels Connor tense up as she’s reeling in her regrets and he suddenly lets go of her, confusing her enough to look up at him again, trying to figure out what was going on. She knew she’d messed up badly, but this was the part that Connor didn’t accept? Why was he reacting so poorly? Did he not want to help anymore?</p>
<p>“Oh no, no, no, no, no. This is all my fault Zo, all of it,” Connor says, getting up to pace again, leaving Zoe confused and sniffly on her bed. </p>
<p>“What’s wrong Connor? What are you talking about?” Zoe asks, genuinely confused as to what was happening. How was any of this Connor’s fault? He hadn’t been there for any part of it. This was her fault. She responsible for Evan and her both feeling like horrendous this whole week. </p>
<p>“I made him think that,” Connor says, running his hands through his hair, completely frustrated, but Zoe was still confused. What in the hell was Connor talking about? Zoe doesn’t question him yet though and just lets Connor continue to pace, giving him a moment to tell her what was going on. </p>
<p>“<em>I</em> made Evan think that it would be the worst possible thing if you two got together. <em>I</em> told him everything would change, and it would be awful. And then I made it worse because I started yelling at him too and I made him cry. And now I’m making you cry and him and just fuck. I didn’t know this would happen,” Connor says even faster than when he’d first come into Zoe’s room. Connor had talked to Evan about them? When did that happen? Why hadn’t he talked to her at all? </p>
<p>“Connor, could you just slow down a little? I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” Zoe says softly, her guilt about hurting Evan not fading necessarily, but perhaps shaping into something else. Maybe what happened on Monday wasn’t entirely her fault. Maybe it wasn’t Evan’s either. Maybe it wasn’t anyone’s except this big pool of miscommunication that the three of them were somehow drowning in. </p>
<p>“Please don’t hate me Zoe,” Connor whispers and the desperation in his eyes makes her want to cry again. Did Connor really think that she would hate him? That she’d throw everything they’d worked on to get to this point where they could talk freely with each other out? She doesn’t think he’d started using again and that was probably the only thing he could tell her that would make her think that. That was the only promise she doesn’t think she could forgive him breaking. </p>
<p>But she didn’t think this mess with Evan had anything to do with drugs at all. And she would never hate her brother, no matter how bad he thought he messed up. </p>
<p>“I’m not going to hate you Connor, I would never hate you. But why do you think this is your fault? Why would Evan acting like this and me yelling at him be <em>your</em> fault?” Zoe says, hoping Connor would slow down and repeat what he’d said before. All she’d gathered was that him and Evan talked about them and neither one of them had told her, probably for very different reasons. </p>
<p>“When we went to play mini golf and tag with Alana that one time, she said something like you guys were a cute couple or something and it made me really upset at the time. Instead of talking to you guys about it like a rational normal person, I did what I always do and made it worse. That night I, um I, told Evan that if he liked you as more than a friend that everything about our friendship would change and we probably wouldn’t be friends anymore. He had a panic attack that night and that was my fault too,” Connor tells her, and it was like the little bits and pieces that she’d been missing were starting to click into place. She’d always wondered what had triggered Evan’s panic attack that night, and she’d accepted it as random, something Evan couldn’t control. </p>
<p>But now it made a lot more sense. She didn’t understand why Connor felt that way or why he hadn’t talked to <em>her</em> about any of it. But Evan’s terrified “I don’t know” from that night and heartfelt insistence that he’d lose everything if they were together was becoming a lot clearer to her. </p>
<p>He thought he’d lose her and Connor, his two best friends if he made one wrong step. And knowing Evan, he probably thought that had already happened, that he’d already ruined everything. And it was probably the whole the night they’d spent together at the dance that really convinced him. </p>
<p>And now even the things she’d looked past that night were starting to make sense. Evan’s little glances towards Connor every so often. The way he’d been hesitant initially. The fact Evan had been alone when her and Alana came down when they’d gotten home. Things she just thought were weird but put no mind to them. </p>
<p>“And then Zo, and then I yelled at him more when I figured out your outfits matched for the dance. I accused him of going behind my back and scheming with you and mom. I was terrible and I pressed him until he cried, and he was so upset that he almost didn’t come to the formal at all. He just wanted Mom’s help with the clothes, and I made him feel guilty about that too,” Connor confesses, slightly keeping his distance from her, but not leaving or shutting down completely, which Zoe thinks is good, something he probably wouldn’t have done six months ago. </p>
<p>And Zoe can only imagine how both those conversations went down. And she knew firsthand how scary Connor could be when he was angry, but she also knew how sincere he could be. She knew that he felt guilty and never meant to hurt Evan that way. Evan was his only friend that he’d ever had and she knew Evan meant more to Connor than anything else. </p>
<p>“He thinks I hate him probably and that I would make you guys break-up,” Connor tells her, his voice cracking just a little, making her get up and take his hand again. Zoe pulls him back to her bed, making them both sit down, not all that surprised that Connor lets her, and waits patiently for Connor to finish telling her everything. </p>
<p>“I know that’s why he freaked out after the dance, and um kissing you. This whole week and how terrible you’ve both felt has been completely my fault and I didn’t even realize. I’m so stupid, I thought it was something else entirely. I didn’t think, I didn’t know he’d actually say no to you Zoe. I didn’t know it’d end up like this. I’m so sorry,” Connor finishes, and Zoe squeezes his hand hoping he knows that it’s okay. Well it wasn’t okay, she had so many questions and concerns and wanted to know everything, wanted to fix everything, but she needed to take it slow. </p>
<p>“Con, why didn’t you talk to me before?” Zoe asks gently, wanting to know that above all. She was having a hard time figuring out every single thing she was feeling though. She still felt like she contributed a lot towards Evan feeling terrible and maybe Connor did too, which made her sad and maybe a little angry in a different way, but she was still scared about everything and whatever was happening was a lot to deal with. </p>
<p>But she needed to go with the straightforward questions first. Be gentle and understanding towards her brother. Reign in whatever she was feeling and show him it was okay. Then they both could show Evan it was okay. And then maybe she’d figure out all her feelings. But Evan and Connor had to come first. </p>
<p>“I was scared that you’d hate me again if you found out how I treated Evan, that you’d think I was the bad guy again,” Connor whispers and Zoe’s about to step in and tell him she never thought that, but he continues quietly, looking at her comforter instead of her, saying, “And before that, I was scared. I was really scared that if you and Evan were dating that you wouldn’t want me around. You wouldn’t want to hang out with me anymore and I’d be all alone again. I was worried that any kind of change would mean losing my only two friends and I didn’t want that. Ever since we met Evan, we’ve all been really happy, and I just wanted that. I wanted to keep feeling that feeling. But I was being really selfish and I didn’t think.” </p>
<p>“Connor, I’ve never hated you, not even with anything that happened before this summer. And I’m not mad at you right now,” Zoe tells him just as a softly as how he’d told her everything. She couldn’t really be mad at him for being afraid of something. She knew what it was like to feel completely alone. To feel like she had no one and going back to that terrified her to. </p>
<p>And she knew exactly where he was coming from. Meeting Evan had been the best thing that happened to both of them and she didn’t want to ever risk what they’d built together as friends. All three of them were afraid of that. But her and Evan dating wasn’t going to do anything like that. Zoe thought it might make them feel even closer, like Connor and Evan really were brothers. She’d imagined that so many times before and it had always made her happy. Maybe if she hadn’t hidden her crush from Connor so early that could have made him happy too. But they were way past that now, but maybe not past fixable. Maybe. </p>
<p>“You’re not mad? Even though you and our best friend feel like absolute shit because of something I did so stupidly?” Connor asks her, clearly in disbelief that Zoe wasn’t even a little mad at him. But she wasn’t. </p>
<p>“I don’t know maybe I would be if everything was different. But I’m having a hard time figuring out exactly what I’m feeling right now. I guess I mostly still feel kind of numb, but edging on hopeful? I think that maybe we could fix all this with Evan, if he doesn’t hate me. Because I still think he might,” Zoe admits sadly, acknowledging that how she acted when she saw Evan wasn’t okay, even if she was confused at the time. </p>
<p>“Zoe, listen to me, there’s no way that Evan would ever hate you. He’s head over heels in love with you, it’s actually what made me change my mind about everything,” Connor tells her and did make her feel a little bit better, just like when Alana pointed it out, that her and Evan really did have something special. Other people saw it too and now one of the most important person in both her and Evan’s life was accepting it and encouraging it. </p>
<p>“What did? What made you change your mind exactly? Because you seem pretty fine with the idea of me and Evan now,” Zoe tells him, remembering that Connor never really mentioned how or why his attitude changed so readily. He was upset enough to make Evan cry last week, but now was telling her everything would be okay, and that Evan loved her. It was kind of hard to follow now that Connor had pointed it out. </p>
<p>“I was watching you two the whole night of the dance while I was trying to keep you apart on purpose,” Connor says guiltily, his eyes full of remorse when he looks to her. </p>
<p>“You were doing that on purpose?” Zoe asks, remembering how annoying she’d thought Connor had been that night, trying to “steal” Evan from her. She’d thought he was upset with their dad or stressed about the dance or something else entirely. She had no idea that at the time Connor didn’t want them together.</p>
<p>Connor only nods, looking away her, clearly ashamed about how he acted, that he’d tried to take away a special night from her and Evan. And she’d forgiven him while he’d been doing it, even thought to ask him if he wanted to do something special with her and Evan separately to make up for the night. So she wasn’t going to change her stance now, but decides to tell him that she did notice it all. </p>
<p>“I knew something was up with you, but I thought you were just stressed about the dance and wanted a little more attention from your friend. That you were trying to lean on Evan to get through the night, and I understood that, but I can see other sides too Con,” Zoe tells him, trying to reinforce in his mind that she wasn’t mad at him and she wasn’t suddenly going to become mad.</p>
<p>“I mean yeah, I suppose that was a little true, but I was mostly doing it to keep you and Evan apart and I’m sorry Zoe. But I wish you could see the way you guys look at each other. It’s pretty fucking cute. And I don’t know, watching you guys interact the whole night made me realize that there wasn’t anyone better for you than Evan. Not that I really get a say in that, but still. He’s kind to you, he respects you, Evan would never I don’t know take advantage of you or force you into anything. He’s exactly the person I could see you with,” Connor tells her sweetly, looking a little less sad for the first time in their whole conversation. And Connor telling her that makes her feel a little less sad too. Evan really was the exact person she wanted to be with. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry I didn’t see it and get on board earlier, but Evan loves you. He loves you a lot, and I’m really sorry I might have ruined that for you. I just want you to be happy Zoe. I don’t ever want to take that away from you ever again,” Connor says earnestly, and Zoe believes him completely. She knew that Connor was trying to make her happy and he was trying to make himself happier too. And she knew that both of them wanted Evan to be happy too, to be with them. </p>
<p>“It’s okay Connor, I promise,” Zoe tells him softly, squeezing his hand lightly. She had a feeling he had more to say and she was going to let him, even if some of her fears and emotions were slowly rising to the surface with everything he was telling her, making her feel uneasy.</p>
<p>“And I realized too, that I’m not really alone anymore. Not even when you guys want a little bit of time to be together, like just the two of you like when you were dancing. I have Alana now and I figured out too that I have both you and Evan. Well that was before, neither of you were supposed to go anywhere,” Connor says, painfully reminding her that he’d probably also felt isolated and alone this week without her (she may have been around, but she hadn’t really been present this week at all) or Evan (who had made it his mission in life to avoid them this week), even with Alana being there for all three of them.</p>
<p>“We’re not going anywhere Con. We, we can fix this hopefully. I understand a lot more now, but everything is still so confusing and hard to process. But um, do you really think that Evan loves me too?  You’re not just saying that to make me feel better or something?” Zoe asks, deciding that she didn’t need to hide the fact she was having trouble processing everything. But she still was questioning Evan for some reason. Maybe she would need to hear it from him personally, but if he really loved her, wouldn’t that trump everything else? Overpower every other thing convincing him they couldn't be together?</p>
<p>But she guesses that wasn’t exactly fair. She knew for a fact that she loved him more than anything and she let her fear and anger get in the way of that, let it keep her from him this whole time. So she really couldn’t blame Evan for doing the same. But she could double check with her brother, who at this point, she didn’t really think would keep anything from her. She hoped this was the last bit of secrecy that ever happened between them. </p>
<p>“Yes, without a single doubt. It’s so painfully obviously and he’s probably more mad at himself and at me than he’d ever be at you for getting upset on Monday. I know that. Honestly, he probably thinks he deserved it, that it was a perfectly okay thing for you to do. Again, me and Evan are a lot alike, and I know if you started yelling at me after all this today, I’d think it was okay. I’d think I deserved it too,” Connor tells her, and she doesn’t think he was trying to make her feel awful, but somehow it does. It didn’t matter if Evan thought it was okay or Connor thought it was okay. She should have never treated Evan like that. She maybe didn’t relate to him in the way that Connor did so easily, but she knew how Evan thought too, and she knew he wouldn’t be okay. And that’s what the worst feeling was. </p>
<p>“He didn’t though and you wouldn’t either. He was just scared and I was just so upset at the time. I mean I still am, but nothing like Monday,” Zoe says, all her fears and doubts fully in the forefront of her mind now that Connor seemed to be doing better. He was still holding her hand and she was really thankful for that because she felt like she might cry again and she didn’t really know why. </p>
<p>“Zoe, it’s okay. It’ll be okay. Like you said, we can fix this. I should have told Evan the night of the dance that I changed my mind. I didn’t though but I didn’t know it’d end up like this. I am so stupid for making the choices I did, but Dr. Darren told me we can only go forward, we can’t go back, and I still think we need to find Evan. Tonight,” Connor tells her and Zoe can only nod, wiping away the stray tears that had fallen against her will. But she was going to cut herself some slack, it’d been a long week and she still felt overwhelmed by everything even if things were looking up. </p>
<p>“And I’m going to apologize to Evan, but he’ll need you there to believe it. He won’t trust anyone else but you, but we can do this. I believe in us,” Connor says giving her a shaky smile and squeezing her again. Connor was right, they could do this. But he wasn’t the only one who needed to apologize.</p>
<p>“I need to make it up to him too. I made things worse when I could have helped him,” Zoe says, taking a few deep breaths. She was feeling better, but she knew she’d only truly feel better once they had Evan back. </p>
<p>“You didn’t know Zo, and that’s okay. But we can’t let him think that what he said was true, that he’d lose everything, he hasn’t lost us,” Connor tells her sincerely, pulling her in for a real hug, which Zoe easily returns. </p>
<p>“Thank you Connor, for talking to me, for caring about Evan and you’re right, he needs us,” Zoe says squeezing him tightly before breaking apart from their hug and pulling Connor off the bed to stand up, somewhat remembering how urgently they actually needed to find Evan. Neither of them had seen him all day and that was not a good thing. </p>
<p>Connor seems to know that Zoe was ready to start looking for their friend and grabs her bag from the ground and holds her bedroom door open for her, closing it as they both leave. </p>
<p>“And Con, please be a little nicer to yourself, I know you’d never try to hurt me or Evan,” Zoe tells him as they walk down the staircase together, and out to Connor’s car. Zoe didn’t feel like fighting him on driving and she also had a little twinge of hope that maybe Evan would come home with them tonight, spend the night with them and trust that they wanted him. She could only hope though.</p>
<p>“I’ll try Zo, I’ll try my best,” Connor says a little more lightly and Zoe thinks he really will. Connor was always trying, for her, now for Evan, but all she ever really wanted was for him to try for himself. Connor was a good person, a good friend, and a good big brother. She just wanted him to think that too. </p>
<p>“Also so you know for future reference, me and Evan would never leave you out of anything, except making out, you’re definitely not invited to that,” Zoe laughs a little, hoping Connor would appreciate her attempt in lightening the mood a little, even if it was for show. She was still a little scared that there never would be a chance in the future for her and Evan to explore making out or kissing again or anything like that at all. </p>
<p>But Connor laughs lightly too, pushing her arm playfully across his car console telling her, “Oh my god Zoe that’s not what I meant. But now that that horrifying image is burned into my mind, let’s check Evan’s house first. I bet he’s home right now.” </p>
<p>“Yeah that’s a good idea, hopefully he’s home. But um, all jokes aside, you think he will forgive me right? Like maybe he does love me, but that doesn’t mean he’ll forgive me and I don’t know, I want to fix it all, but I’m scared Connor,” Zoe confesses her people-pleaser need to keep things light only lasting for a few minutes before her anxiety that Evan might hate her set in. She was trying to be positive, to think about the good things that would happen when they found Evan, but it was really hard. </p>
<p>“Yes, I really do. He could never stay mad at you. And Zoe, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re allowed to be upset. Evan wasn’t the kindest to you either, based on what I understand. And it’s okay, you both messed up and it seems like you’ve forgiven him, so why wouldn’t he forgive you?” Connor asks her and it does change her perspective a little. Maybe she should up her therapy to once a week too, because Connor was clearly benefiting from it. He sounded exactly like Dr. Darren right now, and she always believed them. She could believe Connor. </p>
<p>“Okay, you’re right. Maybe we all messed up, but I don’t think anyone meant anything intentionally and maybe we all just need to talk and listen and maybe that will make everything okay,” Zoe says, finally feeling like that lump of dread in her stomach that had been consuming her all week was getting smaller, lightening and replacing itself with the hope that she’d have Evan back soon. And then she’d never let anything like this happen again. </p>
<p>Zoe was never going to risk not having Evan in her life ever again. </p>
<p>Evan would talk to them. They would explain everything and apologize to him. They would make him see that it didn’t have to be like this. That everything was just a misunderstanding. They could be together, and they could be happy. She’d make Evan see.</p>
<p>Her and Connor don’t really talk much more on the drive to Evan’s house, but Connor hands her the aux cord and she takes her normally spot picking the music and it’s nice. Familiar and comforting. She’d missed this. It gives her time to just breathe and be before she knew what was going to be an intense search for Evan and an even more intense, emotional talk with him.</p>
<p>And Zoe’s pretty sure she’s out of the car before Connor’s even parked when they pull up in front of Evan’s house, running as fast as she can to the front door. She immediately tries the door, remembering that it was unlocked the last time she was there. But this time it’s locked and she’s trying hard to not let that ruin her momentum. </p>
<p>Zoe’s knocking furiously as Connor catches up to her, telling him, “It’s locked,” even though he could probably figure that out by the way she was knocking. </p>
<p>“You know Ev, he hates when the doors aren’t locked, don’t worry too much yet Zo. Keep knocking and maybe try his name through the door so he knows it’s us,” Connor tells her as he walks away, looking through the windows that were in the front of Evan’s house and trying the latch on the gate off to the side. </p>
<p>“Evan! Evan it’s just me, it’s Zoe. Please let me in. I just want to see you and I want to talk to you. I miss you so much and I’m sorry. Evan please,” Zoe says desperately to the door, continuing to knock, with no response. She kind of hoped that Evan wasn’t there, that he wasn’t ignoring her. </p>
<p>Connor comes back, looking just as disappointed as Zoe with the lack of response from inside the Hansen house, offering, “Maybe try calling him?” </p>
<p>“I don’t think that will work; he won’t answer if he sees it’s us. You’ve tried calling and texting all week,” Zoe says sadly but realistically. She knew Evan wouldn’t answer, it was one of the things keeping her from reaching out earlier. </p>
<p>“Well, if he is home, then he’s doing a really good job of hiding it,” Connor says, looking through the small glass section of the front door once more, like he might catch a glimpse of Evan somehow. </p>
<p>“Try Jared maybe and I’ll try Alana. Maybe they know something for some reason, maybe Evan reached out to them before us? And call them, don’t text we don’t have time for that,” Zoe tells Connor already reaching for her phone to call Alana. She felt this immense sense of purpose right now and she wasn’t going to stop until she found Evan. Even if it took all night. </p>
<p>But her purpose was also being fueled a little bit by panic. What if Connor was right? What if Evan tried to hurt himself or did something dangerous? What if her and Connor were too late? She knew he was feeling his absolute worst (because she was too) but her worst led her to throwing up and wearing his sweatshirt to bed. She didn’t know where his worst would lead him, and she didn’t want to find out. Not ever. </p>
<p>Zoe calls Alana three times but doesn’t get an answer for any of them. Zoe tries one more time but is still met with Alana’s professional voice mail box message of <em> “Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail box of Alana Beck. Please leave a message and I will promptly return your call. Thank you”</em>. </p>
<p>But she decides to leave a message this time, even though she didn’t really want to, but she didn’t want to freak Alana out with four missed calls. And what if for some reason Evan reached out to her tonight? Alana needed to know that her and Connor were looking for him. </p>
<p>“Hey ‘Lana, we’re trying to find Evan and we don’t think he’s home. We don’t know what he might be doing, so if he reaches out to you for any reason, please let me know. It’s so important Alana. I’ll let you know if we find him,” Zoe says finishing her call to Alana right as Connor comes back to her, looking a little more excited than before. Maybe Jared had known something. Maybe Evan had talked to him for some reason. Zoe didn’t know why Evan would choose Jared over her, Alana, or Connor, but that was probably just her bias. Evan had known Jared since they’d been little kids, maybe he thought it was the right call or something. </p>
<p>“Zo, Jared says he was just here. He just talked to Evan and Evan talked to him. He told me that Evan said he was going to talk to us. He got through to Evan, I don’t know how much, but at least a little bit,” Connor says hopefully, and a small wave of relief washes over Zoe. She still wouldn’t stop until she found him tonight and she knew Connor wouldn’t either, but Evan wouldn’t tell Jared that he wanted to see them both if it wasn’t true, right? Evan wanted to see them and that meant he probably wasn’t planning on doing anything to himself and that’s what made her feel better. </p>
<p>“That’s really good. But it means he’s most definitely not home, right? If he was, he’d let us in if Jared said he wanted to talk to us, so where could he be?” Zoe asks to Connor, even though he probably didn’t have any better ideas than her. </p>
<p>“Well we would have seen him if he was coming to our house, so that’s out. Where would he go? Evan really only hangs out at our house, his house, or school, what else is there?” Connor says, confirming the fact that he didn’t have a clue either as to where Evan might be. </p>
<p>But all Zoe needed to do was think. She knew Evan better than any other person in his life. She could figure this out, she could find Evan. Where would he go? Where would Evan go to think probably? </p>
<p><em>Outside.</em> </p>
<p>Yes, that made sense and also lined up with him not being home right now. Evan went someplace to think things over, and it was definitely outside. </p>
<p>But where outside? Their town was full of parks and rivers and little pockets of nature that Evan loved, and he could be at any of them. He’d shown them all to her and Connor over the summer and each time explained why he liked each one, what was special about each place. </p>
<p>And then it hits her. </p>
<p>Zoe knew exactly where Evan was, the one place he’d go to think about the meaning of their friendship. And they needed to go now, she’d need it to be light outside to find it again and the sun was starting to set.</p>
<p>“Connor, I know where he is. C’mon we need to go,” Zoe says dragging Connor back to his car. </p>
<p>“Where? Where is he Zoe?” Connor asks, clearly a little confused by Zoe’s sudden epiphany and how she knew where Evan would be. </p>
<p>“We’re going to Ellison.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ahhhhhh! Do you like this cliff-hanger? Do you feel for Zoe and Connor and Evan? I hope so!!!! They're finally going to talk to each other again next chapter and I hope everyone is ready for that!!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Who You Are Is Not Who You've Been</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Connor and Zoe stumble upon Evan in Ellison State Park once more.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!! This chapter is filled with sweet, sweet resolution! And I hope that's a good thing! This chapter is actually a little shorter (I know I've said that before but this time it's true lol) but I think it's just right. It's all from Evan's POV which I think makes sense for the chapter. I don't have to much else to say, but I hope you like it!</p>
<p>And a huge thank you to every single incredible reader! You are so awesome and supportive, every single chapter read or comment left or kudos given means the world to me and I honestly can't thank you enough! I hope you enjoy the update!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan hadn’t really been paying attention to where he was going, he was just enjoying being outside for the first time in days without a real destination in mind. And he was focusing too much on what Jared had told him to think about going anywhere specific anyway.  </p>
<p>Connor and Zoe missed him. Connor was maybe okay with him and Zoe being something more than friends. Zoe maybe even loved him. Or at least might be willing to forgive him for what he’d done. Even the idea of Jared sincerely wanting to be his friend had him spinning. </p>
<p>But in a good way. In the very best way. </p>
<p>And now all he needed to do was figure out exactly what to say to make things better with his two best friends. First there was the obvious stuff, like shoving Connor, lying to Zoe about being sick just so he could ignore her all of Sunday and Monday. Then there was the more specific stuff. The stuff that involved him confronting the worst parts about himself, the things he usually tried so hard to keep hidden. The fact that most of what had happened was his fault, because he’d convinced himself of horrible things and refused to listen to either of them. </p>
<p>Evan was going to do it though; he was going to do it for them. He would tell them everything, tell them how bad it got when he spiraled like that. And maybe they would understand. He hopes they will, because right now he felt like he’d do whatever it took to get them back, and that meant no lying, no hiding, no excuses, and most importantly no self-doubt.</p>
<p>He’s wandering aimlessly down the road and Evan finally looks up when a golden maple leaf flutters in front of him, pulling him out of his head. And he realizes that he’s walked all the way to Ellison State Park, walked off a sidewalk and right into the forest without even noticing. </p>
<p>Ellison, a place he hadn’t been in months. </p>
<p>The last time Evan had been here was to quit his job as junior park ranger and he barely could do that, even with Zoe there helping him. The minute he’d stepped out of Zoe’s little slugbug, he’d been reminded him of the last time he’d been there, his last day of work, the day he’d met Zoe and Connor, the last day he’d ever been climbing, the day he dislocated his shoulder and broke his arm. <br/>The day he’d decided to let go and hopefully end everything. </p>
<p>And last time that had all been too much for him. The memories of what he’d done had overwhelmed him, and he remembered Zoe slipping her arms around him as he was shaking. He knew she thought it was because he was stressed about quitting but really, he was just anxious about being back at Ellison. He’d accepted her comfort all the same though, which made him feel a little guilty.</p>
<p>So instead of ever dealing with anything Evan just never went back, tried to never think about Ellison again (but it had snuck in, during the worst times), but he’d tried. Evan had been terrified about confronting what he’d done this summer, coming back to Ellison, seeing every reminder of that day right in front of him. But still he ended up here. Maybe his subconscious thought he was ready to address it and brought him here. And maybe he was. </p>
<p>Because shockingly, Evan didn’t feel scared being back here like he thought he would. He actually felt relatively calm. Tranquil. Balanced, even. Which was surprising since he’d shuffled through about fifteen million emotions today alone. Including ones that were exactly like what he felt this summer. </p>
<p>But maybe that was why he was so okay with being here. He’d realized that his thoughts and feelings from this summer hadn’t really gone away. This week had forced him to see that they were all there, all waiting in the shadows of his mind for him to be vulnerable, waiting to jump in and take advantage of him. </p>
<p>And he’d let them. He’d given in so easily and let his entire week be consumed by his own grief and self-loathing. Which was something he thought he’d moved on from by spending so much time with his new friends. Obviously not. But maybe, in a weird way, that was okay? </p>
<p>He felt more ready to handle it this time. Something was different, Evan wasn’t exactly sure what was different, but something was, and he was going to go with it. See where his mind took him when it wasn’t convincing him to do and say horrible things to his friends. </p>
<p>And right now, it was telling him not to leave, to just take a deep breath, look around, and soak up the beauty of his favorite place. So Evan does just that. He starts wandering again, falling into his old habits of checking on his favorite trees near the park center, admiring the way all the leaves were changing, glowing rosy warm hues under the sun that was starting to set. </p>
<p>Ellison State Park was beautiful, and he’d really, really missed being there. More than he thought was possible. Because even though it was home to some of his darkest memories, Ellison was also one place where he felt like he was meant to be. He knew all the paths, all the best clearings to picnic in, all the paths and hiking trails, he even knew where to hike to see the tiny waterfall that was one of the park’s best kept secrets. Maybe he’d get a chance to show Zoe, Alana, and Connor one day, maybe Jared would come too. Maybe he could show them this place that felt a little bit like home to them someday. Or at the very least Zoe, because he knew she’d just immediately understand what he meant when he said it felt like home. </p>
<p>Zoe always understood what he meant, he never really had to explain anything (he wasn’t counting this week) and in the way he’d always wanted someone to, Zoe just <em>got it</em>. </p>
<p>And maybe it was time to go back to the very first time Zoe had understood him. Go back to the place where they talked for the very first time and he’d said something so dumb about jazz band and she hadn’t left. She’d smiled at him and stayed with him until the absolute last second. Zoe Murphy had done more for him on that day than she’d probably ever know. But maybe he’d tell her. Maybe it’d be part of his apology to her. </p>
<p>Evan makes his way down the path he knew without even thinking about it. He knew precisely how to get to that oak tree; it was something he’d probably never forget. </p>
<p>When he gets there, the little clearing in front of the oak tree looks exactly like it did that summer day. And Evan’s not one hundred percent sure that’s real, but he swears that pile of leaves looked the exact same, the place where Zoe had been kneeling by him gently disturbed in roughly the size of her, there was even a slight footprint that could be an exact match for Connor’s combat boots. </p>
<p>Had no one really been out here all this time? Not even the leaves looked different over here, in contrast to the beautiful oranges and reds from the park center. It was like this one area was frozen in time, almost like it’d been waiting for him to come back. </p>
<p>And Evan’s actually really glad he did. </p>
<p>He moves to sit against the base of the oak tree (he might be feeling okay, but he wasn’t quite ready to facing climbing) and he just fidgets with the leaves and sticks and dirt around him, while he thinks about that day. </p>
<p>When he’d woken up and heard Zoe’s voice, he’d been positive he’d made her up. And it hadn’t helped that she’d looked angelic, the sun creating a halo of light around her as he struggled to focus on her face. But she’d been so real. </p>
<p>She’d kneeled by him and stayed with him and insisted that everything would be okay because she was there now, and she wouldn’t let anything else happen to him. Zoe was there for him on the worst day of his life and she’d continued to be there for him every day since, for months afterward. </p>
<p>It still baffled him that the sweetest, kindest, prettiest, most talented person he knew had been there that day. That Zoe Catherine Murphy had been the only one to hear him fall. He’d been so sure that no one would hear, no one care, but Zoe had proved him wrong.</p>
<p>And now he needed to prove her wrong too. He needed to show her that he hadn’t taken those months with her for granted. He’d taken them and fallen deeply in love with her. And he’d been so wrong to think that it couldn’t be real, that there couldn’t be a <em>them</em>. </p>
<p>There could be and he really hoped she still wanted that. </p>
<p>He’d put her through an unimaginable hell this week, and he felt so guilty that he’d tried to convince himself that she was okay. Zoe was a master of hiding things that hurt her severely and he let himself believe her little charade because it made him feel like what he’d done hadn’t been so bad. </p>
<p>But it had been. Zoe had trusted him with her heart, and he’d dropped it. Actually, worse than that, he’d thrown it to the ground like a ceramic plate and watched as all the tiny pieces scattered around, so many that it might be impossible to glue back together. </p>
<p>Evan was going to try though. Evan was going to try his hardest to make it up to her and he was prepared to do whatever it took. And he was going to start with asking her to get coffee tomorrow or maybe bring her one and ask to talk? Maybe bring her flowers too, maybe the ones he’d grown for her? He wasn’t sure which one was more normal but maybe he’d google it tonight before he got the courage to text her. </p>
<p>He didn’t really want to text her because he just wanted to see Zoe in person, but he wanted to make sure she wanted that too. He couldn’t just appear with flowers and a latte and expect her to be ready to talk to him, she probably needed time to think, just like him. </p>
<p>And he thinks the biggest thing he needed to apology for was the one thing she’d gotten the maddest about. She told him he didn’t get to decide how she would feel, and Zoe was right, he didn’t get to decide that. </p>
<p>He’d treated her feelings like they didn’t matter at all and he’d tried to push other thoughts and emotions onto her because it fit his delusional narrative better. The Zoe in his head didn’t care that they weren’t together because she had two other best friends, ones she cared about more, ones she trusted more, ones who would help her get over Evan and all his terribleness.</p>
<p>But real-life Zoe? She told him she’d be devastated if he was gone from her life. Not sad, devastated. Overcome with insurmountable grief. She’d told him so many times and showed him in so many other ways that he was important to her, that she’d <em>chosen him</em>, and he’d blown all that off. </p>
<p>There wasn’t enough sorry’s in the world to make up for that, but all he could do was try. Try to give her ten thousand reasons to never let him go again. To show her that he saw her and knew her and loved her. </p>
<p>Then the next thing he was going to apologize for was pushing her away and refusing to accept the help she had been trying to give him. Before she’d known what he was doing she’d offered to go slow, to help Evan navigate through a new relationship. Zoe had been so sweet and loving and done everything so right. And then when she started to figure out what awful thing he was doing to her, she still just wanted him to talk to her, to let her fix whatever <em>it</em> was that was making him think that way. And all he’d done was shut her down. Hurt her more.</p>
<p>He’d talk now though. He’d tell her everything she wanted to hear, everything he’d been so scared of telling anyone that way Zoe wouldn’t be responsible for fixing things. He’d fix them for her. He’d fight this time, fight for Zoe, fight for what they could be. Everything he should have done the first time. </p>
<p>Evan was going to promise Zoe that he’d do better. He couldn’t promise he’d do everything right, especially since he still had a long ways to go with just his relationship with <em>himself</em>, but he knew Zoe and he knew a promise to try was all she’d want.  </p>
<p>But to fulfill that promise he’d also have to explain that he’d need help, if she was still willing to give it. He needed help pushing away all the nasty thoughts that his mind conjured, the ones that seemed so permanent, relentless even. Evan was going to need reminders that those demons weren’t real, but Zoe was. Connor was. Jared and Alana were. His friends were real, and they loved him and he was deserving of that love. Evan wasn’t a bad person even if he’d done bad things this week. Zoe had tried to tell him that, but he was finally seeing it for himself.  </p>
<p>Jared had helped a lot in clearing away the haze that had been clouding his judgement and his memories of his friends and Evan was so thankful for that because now he really was seeing everything for what it was.</p>
<p>Him and Zoe were really good together. They were special. They had something that was unlike anything Evan had ever experienced before. He had <em>not</em> made that up. He hadn’t misconstrued anything at all. </p>
<p>Zoe was the first person to ever hold his hand (his mom didn’t count). He was the only person she trusted with that song about Connor. They were each other’s first kisses. She was the only person he ever wanted to kiss again. Zoe understood him and never babied him. Evan saw every little thing about her that made her special, down to the very tiny doodles on her jean cuffs. Zoe defended him and would fight for him. Evan listened when she talked and <em>heard</em> her. </p>
<p>And maybe Jared was right, maybe Zoe even loved him. Because he knew he loved her. More than anything in this entire world. </p>
<p>He couldn’t be sure of exactly how Zoe felt, but all he knew was he wouldn’t give up on them again. Even if Zoe didn’t want to date him that’d be okay if she still wanted to be friends. The special thing they had wasn’t rooted in romance. Evan thought that probably helped a little, but it ran deeper. Their friendship was wonderful and meaningful and changed both their lives. It could be enough. </p>
<p>But Evan hoped that Zoe was still willing to give dating a chance because he thought their relationship could be even more special and wonderful and every positive adjective he could think of. </p>
<p>Evan wanted all the new things that came with being in a romantic relationship. He wanted that with <em>Zoe</em>. To explore together what it meant to fully be with someone, committed to them. To truly be in love. To put all his trust into her and know without a doubt that she trusted him just as much. To make her feel the same way she made him feel, safe, vulnerable, fluttery in the most magnificent way, elated, and just <em>right</em>. </p>
<p>Evan hoped all that would be enough. The apology Zoe deserved after everything he’d done. He knew he’d spend forever making it up to her, but he doesn’t think that sounded so bad. Evan kind of wanted to tell Zoe every day how special and considerate and caring she was. That he was so lucky to have her in any capacity in his life. He never wanted Zoe to forget it.</p>
<p>And then there was Connor. He deserved a sincere apology too and it was so very different from Zoe’s. Mostly because Evan wasn’t in love with Connor and didn’t have that aspect to apologize for, but also because even if it made him feel weird, Evan’s apology to Connor had to come with him standing up for himself and for Zoe. Because unlike with Zoe, things with Connor weren’t one hundred percent Evan’s fault. A majority of the blame definitely went to Evan and he wasn’t afraid to own up to that, but also it was Connor’s influence that made him turn Zoe down to begin with. </p>
<p>But Evan would get to that after he apologized for things from this week. He absolutely should not have pushed Connor in the library and not feeling like himself was not a good enough excuse for that, nothing was. He should have talked to Connor when Connor had been asking to help, desperately seeking Evan out all week. Evan could have fixed this Tuesday if he’d just believed that Connor had honestly wanted to help him and not yelled at him and stormed off. </p>
<p>And remembering the way Connor had been so sincere about helping him and Zoe fix whatever was wrong makes Evan think that Jared probably did know what he was talking about. Connor probably had (for whatever reason unbeknownst to Evan) changed his mind about him and Zoe. Evan still had some doubts because Jared was still <em>Jared</em> and there was a chance he misunderstood. Evan needed to hear it directly from Connor before he truly believed it.  </p>
<p>So Evan would apologize for being an all-around terrible friend this week, but he was also going to be assertive for him and Zoe. He was going to let Connor know, in still a gentle way, that him and Zoe wanted to be together (well, maybe, that’s why Zoe’s apology would come first) and insist on the fact that it wouldn’t change anything. He should have done this the first time around too, but it counted he was doing it now, right? </p>
<p>Evan should have reassured him that nothing would change because Evan wouldn’t let it. Connor was his best friend and he didn’t want to give that up either. They were friends in a way that was different than him and Zoe (that’d always been true) but that didn’t mean that Evan cared about him any less or cherished their friendship any less. </p>
<p>He hopes that Connor’s okay with that promise, that he believes Evan, but just in case, Evan was also going to insist that Connor just give them a chance. All Evan and Zoe would need was one chance to prove to Connor that nothing had to change, that they could be together and that wouldn’t be a bad thing. Zoe and him weren’t a bad thing. </p>
<p>And then he wanted to explain to Connor how bad his self-doubt really got, how bad it made him feel, and Connor feeding into that wasn’t going to help either of them. Evan <em>wanted</em> to be Connor’s best friend, he’d wanted that ever since Connor suggested they could maybe talk or hang out at school when he’d been in the emergency room. And he thought Connor wanted that too. </p>
<p>If he did, then Connor needed to tell Evan how he was feeling when it was happening, he couldn’t leave Evan to assume or speculate about anything. Because Evan would take that speculation and run with it, he knew he would. He’d spin and spin and spin until it was beyond his control anymore (which happened pretty early into the process if Evan was being honest) and then he’d hurt his friends again.</p>
<p>And Evan didn’t want to hurt anyone ever again. </p>
<p>That was something he was going to work on with Dr. Sherman though, something he’d promise to both Connor and Zoe. He didn’t want to take things people said and twist and convolute them until he’d convinced himself of something that wasn’t even close to the truth. </p>
<p>He was going to tell Dr. Sherman about everything that had happened since he’d last seen her too. He would tell her how he let the darkness seep in and take over until he almost destroyed his two most meaningful relationships. Evan was going to tell her about all the awful things he thought about, the things he couldn’t escape from, no matter how hard he tried. </p>
<p>Every reason he’d climbed that tree and every reason he thought about doing it again.</p>
<p>Evan would tell Zoe, Connor, and Dr. Sherman if it would make him feel better. He’d foolishly thought he was better, just from a couple therapy sessions and hanging out with Connor and Zoe all the time, but he wasn’t. Evan had so much to work on, but he was finally open to actually working on it. He didn’t want to feel like this anymore, he wanted to be better. </p>
<p>He’d told himself something like this too, right after everything had happened and he’d met Zoe and Connor. And he’d really meant it then too, but he thinks he wanted it more for Zoe and Connor. So they wouldn’t leave him. So they wouldn’t write him off as crazy, leaving him desperate and alone once more. </p>
<p>But this time he wants it more for himself. He just wanted to be happy. He didn’t want to lose himself again, because he’s not sure he could handle doing whatever this was this week a second time. </p>
<p>Evan knew it’d be a lot of work, and just declaring that he wanted to be better wasn’t going to make it happen. There would probably be really bad days still, but maybe that was when he could lean on Zoe and Connor and Alana and even Jared to help him. He thinks they will, and he hopes they understand. </p>
<p>Evan’s just leaning against the oak tree, continuing to play with the leaves and things around him, thinking about everything and really trying to organize his thoughts and plan everything out so he didn’t forget anything or miss something he needed to apologize for, grateful for the chance to think straight and be outside for the first time in days, when he’s completely startled by the sound of someone calling out his name. </p>
<p>“Evan!” he hears again, making him look around to see if someone was there, and when he turns to the side, he sees Zoe and Connor coming towards him. Were they really here or had he simply lost it? Maybe he was hallucinating like he’d thought when they’d found him the first time? </p>
<p>But then he meets Zoe’s eyeline, and she breaks into a sprint and runs the rest of the way to him and he knows they’re really here. But how had they found him, here of all places? </p>
<p>When Zoe’s finally close to him, instead of just stopping or sitting like he kind of expected her to, Zoe almost dives into him, hugging him to her tightly. She doesn’t ask and she doesn’t seem to care much about anything at all except for the fact that she found him, but Evan’s okay with that. Her hug wasn’t at all what he was expecting but he holds on to her just as tight, his forearms wrapped completely around her back.</p>
<p>Evan didn’t know what was happening, but he doesn’t think Zoe’s mad at him anymore (because of how tightly she was holding him), but also because he can hear her whispering, “I’m sorry Ev. I’m so sorry” as she starts to gently pet his hair back. </p>
<p>Why was she sorry? Zoe didn’t do anything wrong. He was the one who had things to apologize for. Evan was entirely confused, but he was just going to go with it because for the first time in almost a week he was seeing his friends and that was a really good thing. Not to mention that Zoe was back in his arms after what felt like eternity and he didn’t want to let her go.     </p>
<p>But eventually they do let go of each other and Evan’s not sure if it was because Connor was there or because Zoe was satisfied that he seemed okay, either way it just made him realize even more how much he missed her, how somewhat excited he was to apologize and have her back. </p>
<p>But he’s even more confused when Zoe moves aside and Connor takes her place, hugging Evan too. He probably thought it was okay because Zoe had done it and Evan hugged her back, and he was right. Evan was perfectly happy to hug his best friend too. </p>
<p>His and Connor’s hug is drastically shorter, but that was okay too because it felt like exactly what Evan needed somehow, the perfect start to him apologizing to them. Except before he can even say anything, start his long trial of apologies and promises, Connor’s apologizing to him too, saying, “Evan, I’m so sorry for everything.” </p>
<p>“Me too. We’ve missed you so much Ev,” Zoe says tearfully, and Evan wants to throw his whole plan completely out just to hug her again, wipe away her tears and tell her that everything would be okay. Since he was still mostly confused about what was happening, he doesn’t do that, but instead offers Zoe his hand, which she easily takes, intertwining their fingers and filling him with this fluttery hope that everything really would be okay. </p>
<p>“I’ve missed you guys so much too, but I’m really confused right now. Why are you guys apologizing to me? I’m the one who needs to apologize to you. I’ve been absolutely horrible to both of you this week and I regret all of it. And I was just figuring out how to tell you guys and then you were just here, how did you find me?” Evan asks, the pace of his speech must faster than he’d anticipated, but his thoughts were also kind of going at a rapid pace too. But he really did want to know how they knew he was here. He hadn’t even known he was coming to Ellison until he just was, and then he just kind of decided spur-of-the-moment to come back <em>here</em> specifically.</p>
<p>“I just knew somehow that you’d be here, that you’d come back to first place we ever met. That this place was special,” Zoe says quietly, using the sleeve of her sweatshirt, actually he thinks that might be his sweatshirt, to wipe away some of the stray tears that were still falling down her cheeks. </p>
<p>And Evan’s taken aback, stunned by how well Zoe knew him. She knew him better than he knew himself, realized probably before he did where he was and why. Well, maybe not the whole why, but she’d know that soon. And he was never going to not trust her ever again. No matter what his head tried to tell him, he was not going to not listen to Zoe Murphy ever again.</p>
<p>“Zoe, I…I…I’m so sorry for hurting you like I did,” Evan starts, pausing as he tried to figure how much detail he should go into with Connor there. He’d planned on apologizing to them separately and then together, but that obviously wasn’t happening, so Evan just had to go with it, like much of this day. A condensed version would have to do for now, and then once they got a chance to be alone, Evan would tell Zoe more details about everything he was sorry for, so he starts again, telling her, “I treated you like your feelings weren’t important at all, even though they were, no they are. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make it all up to you. You mean everything to me, and I almost threw it all away.”</p>
<p>Zoe squeezes his hand and just nods at him, probably a little too overwhelmed for words right now, but that was okay. Evan had enough words for both of them. And while Zoe was trying to figure something out to say to him, Evan takes the chance to give Connor an abridged apology too, since he couldn't really get to everything without talking to Connor first. And what if she didn’t know that Connor had talked to him previously? He didn’t want to throw Connor under the bus and potentially start a new fight, not when he was on the precipice of getting both of them back. </p>
<p>“And Connor, I’m so sorry I shoved you and kept hiding from you all week. All you wanted was to help and I was being a complete jerk about it,” Evan apologizes, looking away from Zoe to address Connor specifically, but he squeezes her hand once, just in case she needed reassurance. He’d circle back to her and apologize for everything else soon. </p>
<p>“No, no, no Evan. <em>We’re</em> the ones who need to apologize to you, especially me. I should have never told you that this,” Connor starts, vaguely gesturing between Evan and Zoe, probably at their intertwined hands in particular, “you and Zoe being together would change things. I acted like our friendship meant nothing to you and that wasn’t fair. It was wrong and stupid and I’m sorry.” </p>
<p>Evan wonders what else the Murphy’s have in store for him because he wasn’t expecting that from Connor either. But he appreciates the apology anyway and its implication that Zoe and Connor had talked about him and Zoe dating at some point and he was okay with it. Jared had been right about it all and this big wave of relief just washes over him. </p>
<p>Somethings wouldn’t change from his plan, like his apologies, but he didn’t have to worry about Connor or defending him and Zoe (which he was resolute in doing if it was still needed) to him. He could focus on other things now instead of worrying about that small possibility. </p>
<p>“I was just so hung up on the idea of you guys leaving me out, leaving me to be all alone again, that I stupidly thought if you never got together than that would never happen, that I would never have to lose either of you. But all it did was hurt both of you and make all three of us feel alone this week. I really didn’t mean for this to happen,” Connor tells him, and Evan can see Zoe nod again out of the corner of his eye, like she was encouraging Connor to keep going. It was so <em>Zoe</em>, to be wiping away her own tears to encourage someone else to be their best. He was going to be that best, for her. </p>
<p>And he hadn’t really known that all of Connor’s dislike of their potential relationship was because he thought that meant him and Zoe would leave him out. That they would scurry off together, leaving him to be alone like the start of the summer when they’d all been in such a bad place. Evan can see why Connor would be so scared of that, even if he couldn’t figure out why Connor thought that would be the change. But Evan didn’t have any room to judge Connor there, he convinced himself of the craziest things and always whole-heartedly believed them when he did, so how could he condemn Connor for the same thing? </p>
<p>The thought of never being with them again this week was enough to break him, so he can fully imagine the fear that was growing inside Connor, that slowly turned into him lashing out at Evan before the dance. And Connor had tried to reign himself in, just like Evan was going to try to do. </p>
<p>“Connor I wouldn’t leave you and I know this week has not ben a good example of that, so don’t use that, but still, I wouldn’t. You’re my best friend. You’re the first person who I sincerely believed wanted to be my friend, in the hospital that day. Connor, we understand each other in way that's almost scary sometimes, and I don’t want to lose that either. I don’t want you to ever feel alone, either of you, or um, none of us,” Evan tells him, hoping that Zoe understood what he was talking about to Connor. His and Zoe's connection was different immediately falling between platonic and romantic right away and that had scared Evan at first. He'd understood his relationship with Connor first because it had been different and he'd so desperately wanted a friend. Just a friend. And he’d also met Zoe at a time where he didn’t understand what she was going through at school and at home. He didn’t think she needed him as a friend the way Connor and him so clearly needed each other.  </p>
<p>His relationship with each sibling was unique and special and he really hoped they both knew that. </p>
<p>“And I’m really sorry I yelled at you Evan and then just ran away. I knew you were in a bad place and I, and I just left you. I could have helped you and I didn’t. And I don’t want you to think that I’d ever leave you like that again,” Zoe tells him, looking him in the eye so he knew she was serious. Zoe thought that her leaving was a bad thing, that he might be mad at her for that?</p>
<p>Zoe leaving him on Monday obviously sucked and was awful for him, but at that exact moment, he still thought it was what was best. If she hadn’t left on her own, he doesn’t know what he would’ve said to her to make her leave. He might’ve lied, he might’ve hurt her even more, just by trying to get her to leave to “protect” her like he’d thought. Nothing she could have done <em>that</em> day would have made him change his mind. And it pains him to think she’d being feeling guilty and shameful about that all week. </p>
<p>“No, Zo, please don’t think that. It’s okay, you did the right thing. I was in a really, really dark place and when I’m there, it’s really hard to get out. I don’t know what could’ve happened, what other horrible things I might have said to you,” Evan tells her and he really hopes she believed him, that her life experiences with mental illness would tell her that he could have been worse.</p>
<p>“But it didn’t feel like the right thing, it made me feel like I abandoned you,” Zoe says, tears welling in her eyes again, and before they fall, Evan squeezes her hand and tells her, “But you’re here right now, you’re the one who found me, like you always do. You didn’t abandon me.”   </p>
<p>“Really? You think that?” Zoe asks and Evan nods, tugging on her hand, urging her to sit a little closer to him and says, “Yeah and it’s the real me this time, I promise.” </p>
<p>Evan really hopes that using some of the words she’d used when she was upset would let her know that it really was okay. Evan had forgiven her, even though he didn’t think she needed forgiveness, but maybe she just needed to hear it, from him directly. And her faint smile and gentle motion of her thumb across his hand lets him know that she was starting to believe him.</p>
<p>“But sometimes, like this week, it’s not the real me. Sometimes it gets really bad, and I can’t make the voices in my head stop, no matter what I do. I could have told you guys how bad it was, but I was so afraid. I kept telling myself over and over again that you guys would be better off without me, that staying away was the right thing. It wasn’t but at the time I thought it was my only option,” Evan confesses to them, turning some of his attention back to Connor too. He’d just promised to not leave him out, so he didn’t want to break that five minutes in. But Zoe seems to understand, because she increases her little ministrations and looks at Connor too. God he’d missed her. </p>
<p>“Well that was probably mostly my fault. I made it seem like you two being together was an ultimatum, but both choices were bad. But I don’t think that anymore, I swear. I mean I think it might take a little getting used to, but I can do it. So I guess um, I don’t really know what to say, but like you have my blessing or whatever? Is that right? It feels like it’s not mine to give and I never should have thought that to begin with,” Connor tells them both, but mostly Evan (because Evan had a feeling Connor and Zoe had already talked) and it’s not that Evan doesn’t believe him, he does, it just felt a little surreal. </p>
<p>Where would they all be if Connor just believed this to begin with? Maybe here, maybe somewhere worse, Evan wasn’t sure, but he knew this whole thing really cemented in the fact the Murphy’s loved him and he wasn’t going to doubt that again. </p>
<p>“I don’t know if that’s the right thing or whatever either Con, but it’s okay. You were scared of losing something important to you and if I know anything it’s that being afraid can make you do some crazy things,” Evan says in what he hopes was a somewhat lighter tone. He really didn’t want Connor to feel guilty about something that Evan probably would have also thought if things were different.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I guess that’s true,” Connor says contemplatively, like he was truly considering forgiving himself for this. Evan wanted him to, and he wanted Zoe to too. He didn’t want either of them to carry this with them, hold them back from anything because of this fight? Misunderstanding? Miscommunication? Maybe all of them were the right word for what had happened. </p>
<p>“So Connor, then you’re really okay with us? That is um, if, um, there’s still a chance there could be an us,” Evan says starting at Connor and then turning to face Zoe. He didn’t want to assume anything that Zoe wanted right now, because maybe, even if she was holding his hand right now, she wanted to wait, get back into the swing of their friendship before trying something more (if she ever wanted that again that was).  </p>
<p>But like always, he shouldn’t have doubted her because Zoe’s nodding her head furiously, wiping away more tears (but he thinks these ones maybe weren’t so sad) and squeezes his hand tightly. She seemed like she was overwhelmed again, and couldn’t quite get the words out, but like her tears, Evan doesn’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing right now. Maybe she was feeling that same wave of love and relief and understanding he was. Maybe when they had some time alone they could talk about it a little more. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I really am,” Connor says, smiling at both of them, adding, “You make my little sister happy and she makes you happy. And you two are the most important people in my life and I want you to be happy. And if being together, like dating, is what does that, then I guess we’ll all figure out what that looks like.” </p>
<p>For the first time since seeing them, Evan gives Zoe a real smile because that’s all he can think to do. But Zoe seemed to have other ideas, because she looked like she wanted to hug him again but was waiting for like a signal or something from him, so he nods, and Zoe once more launches herself onto him. It takes him less by surprise this time, but he doesn’t hold on to her any less tight than their first hug from today. He squeezes her even a little tighter, moving his legs so she could come closer and he feels elated when Zoe starts to nuzzle into his neck, feeling comforted by his hug too. </p>
<p>Zoe wanted to be with him still and that was an incredible feat. Evan hadn’t lost everything; he’d only gained something. He was getting a second chance, just like he wanted, and wasn’t going to waste that. And probably for the first time in his whole life, he felt like he deserved this second chance, the one to show Zoe that he could be better.</p>
<p>“But okay, that’s probably enough,” Connor laughs, breaking up their hug, very similar to when Zoe had been hugging Evan after he’d given her necklace to her on their birthday. And it makes Zoe laugh too as she pulls away from Evan. Evan smiles at both of them and even wider at Zoe as she resituates herself to be right next to him, their sides flush against one another, returning to tightly holding his hand again, like he might disappear somehow if she wasn’t touching him. </p>
<p>And Evan didn’t see any problems with their seating arrangement at all. He thinks the same tactical comfort Zoe was giving to him, he was giving to her as well. He didn’t think he ever wanted to be more than an arm’s length away from her ever again. </p>
<p>“You know this isn’t the first-time you guys have helped me get out of my head when it’s somewhere bad. Last time my anxiety got this bad, well, um, we’re in the same spot, actually,” Evan tells them quietly, probably breaking the lightness that had come over them, but he had one more thing to tell both of them and he didn’t want to lose the courage he had right now. </p>
<p>“Evan what? You mean when you broke your arm?” Connor asks and then Evan sees the look of understanding flash across Connor’s face before he even has to explain, but Zoe didn’t know yet, so he has to keep going, has to say it. </p>
<p>“When you guys found me over the summer, um, well, it wasn’t because I fell. I never thought I’d tell anyone this, but I think I should,” Evan starts, looking to Zoe to see if she was catching on yet, but she still looks puzzled, not quite understanding how he could’ve fallen without falling. But Connor moves closer to him and gently sets his hand on his other shoulder, encouraging Evan to continue. </p>
<p>“I’ve always felt alone, it’s something I’ve dealt with my whole life even when my parents were together and I was little, and then it just got worse as I got older and I started to feel lost too. Like I didn’t have a purpose at all. This summer, it was the worst it’s been, and I was so convinced that no one would notice, that no one would care. And I hate to say it, but a big part of me still actively thinks that, even with you two sitting here telling me otherwise. But that day had been so bad. Kids were throwing things at me during a tour, I’d spent all of my break crying, I hadn’t seen my mom in probably two weeks, so I was just trying to make myself feel better and I thought climbing would help,” Evan says, taking a deep breath and checking on Zoe again. This time, she looks sadder than he ever thought possible, and he knows she finally understood where his story was headed. But she doesn’t tell him to stop or question him or accuse him of anything, all she does is make a sweater paw with what he could definitely recognize as his sweater now, and wipe away the tears he didn’t even realize were falling. And he knows he has to finish. </p>
<p>“So I started climbing, I climbed this tree, but when I got to the very top, the only thing I could think about was jumping off, just letting go of everything, and I did it. I didn’t fall on accident, I let go of the branch I was holding onto. I thought it was the only way, I thought I was doing the right thing,” Evan tells them, glancing at Connor this time. From Connor he’s met with pure understanding and it hard because he doesn’t want to think about Connor knowing exactly where he was coming from this time, he didn’t want Connor to have experienced feeling so bad that he would have considered what Evan did as an option. But maybe that’s why they understood each other so well. </p>
<p>And from Zoe he gets a deep sadness mixed with some relief and he knows she’s relieved it didn’t work, that she’d found a very much alive Evan, one who she’d fallen in love with. Without knowing it, he could have robbed her of all the love he had to give and all the love she wanted to give to him too. He knows he’s swayed back and forth on his feelings about what he’d done, but right now he’s unyielding in the fact that is was a good thing fate was on his side that day and it didn’t work. And he wasn’t going to sway from that again. </p>
<p>“Evan, you weren’t thinking, um, you weren’t thinking about doing that again, right? You didn’t come out here to hurt yourself, did you?” Zoe asks tensing against him, suddenly very terrified about the place she’d found him in a second time. </p>
<p>“No. I didn’t even realize I’d walked here until I was here, but I thought about it, doing something like that again. I thought about it all week, but every time I did, there was a tiny whisper in my head arguing the other way. Telling me that everything about our friendship and relationship was real. That you really did care about me and it would destroy you if I did anything like that. So I know, I know for sure that no matter how bad it was this week or how bad it might get in the future, I would never do that to you guys,” Evan tells them and he can feel Zoe relax a little bit, taking everything he said in and returning to her back and forth motions against his hand. And Connor just nods at him and gives his shoulder a light sympathetic squeeze, like he understood that part of Evan too.</p>
<p>“I would never do that to you guys. I wouldn’t leave you to deal with all the pain and ugliness that I would have selfishly left behind. But I don’t want to lie to you anymore. I’m struggling, a lot, and when I say my head is a dark place, it really is,” Evan says, taking another deep breath. He was through the hardest part. He’d told them his deepest secret, the thing he thought no one would understand, but Connor and Zoe did. They were obviously sad that he felt that way and probably wished they’d all become friends sooner, but they weren’t changing their behavior to coddle him or making him feel worse about it or anything like that. They were just letting him talk, no judgements, just safety. </p>
<p>“But I’m going to try harder. I don’t want to keep feeling this way. I’m going to talk to Dr. Sherman and I’m not going to lie to you guys and I’m going to put in the work. I promise I’m going to help myself,” Evan finishes, letting whatever else he was holding in go. There were things he still wanted to talk about with each of them, but that could wait, not for long, but for now. They were all on a new path together and everything that came before, none of that had to count anymore. </p>
<p>“We’ll help you too Evan,” Zoe tells him genuinely, like she’d do whatever he needed, whenever he needed, like his well being was her top priority. And maybe it was. He knows they hadn’t had a chance to talk about <em>them</em> yet, but he was starting to see what Jared was talking about. He thinks Zoe might just love him and he wanted to tell her that he felt the same. Right now was not the time, but it would be soon. </p>
<p>“I know you will. Both of you will. And I know this week hasn’t been easy on you guys either and I want to help fix that too. I don’t want our friendships to be one way,” Evan says, promising to the both of them that he could help them with things too. He wasn’t planning on taking all their emotional labor and giving nothing in return. Evan really did want that and the better he managed his anxiety and his intrusive thoughts, the more he’d be able to give.    </p>
<p>“They aren’t Evan, we promise you. Both of us know that you’d do anything for us,” Connor tells him, trying to be reassuring in the way that Zoe usually was and Evan kind of thinks Connor should do it more. It was a good look on him and he was a lot more nurturing than he thought. </p>
<p>“You really are the first real true friend we’ve had Ev. You’ve helped us just as much as we’ve helped you,” Zoe says quietly, looking between him and Connor, squeezing his hand once for good measure. And Evan knew that, it might be some time before he really believed it, but he knew he was their closest friend, that they didn’t use the term <em>best</em> lightly. </p>
<p>“We’ve all helped each other,” Connor tells them, and Evan couldn’t agree more. He doesn’t know where he’d if Connor and Zoe Murphy weren’t the ones who found him and decided to help him that day. Definitely wouldn’t be here, having a heartfelt conversation with a best friend and a definitely almost maybe but probably girlfriend. And as hard as today was, Evan feels pretty good.</p>
<p>“Yeah, we have,” Evan says, smiling at both of them, especially as Zoe brushes away another stray tear, and smiles up at him, her sadness from before turning into pride, maybe? Like she was proud of him for being brave and talking to them today even if they hadn’t exactly given him the option. But he was glad about that too. </p>
<p>“The park’s going to close soon, the sun’s almost completely set,” Evan tells them, realizing that it was getting dark. He wasn’t worried that they’d get lost, he knew the park through and through, but he didn’t want to be caught technically “trespassing”, so he knew they had to leave soon. But he didn’t want to leave them. Evan didn’t want to just invite himself over, but he didn’t want to go back home, maybe he should invite them to his house? </p>
<p>“Well, we think you should come home with us, if you want to. We’ve missed you too much and it’s Friday, it’s our sleepover night,” Connor says a little nervously, answering Evan’s questions before he had to ask them. Connor was probably a little worried since their last sleepover after the formal had not gone exactly as intended. </p>
<p>“Do you want that too Zo?” Evan asks Zoe just as nervously as Connor had asked him. He wanted to sleepover and spend more time with them, time they missed this week, but not if it would make Zoe uncomfortable for some reason. The last time they’d kissed and fallen asleep in each other’s arms and then Evan left, freaking Zoe out completely. He absolutely wouldn’t do that this time, but he’d understand if Zoe wanted to wait just a little bit longer on sleepovers. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I do. And we can talk more about us later, specifics this time, but right now I think we need a movie night. How does that sound?” Zoe asks him and Connor, even if Connor had been the one to suggest it first. It was probably to ease his nerves a little too and Evan sees him shake his head “yes” in response. And Evan couldn’t be more grateful for Zoe, she was so considerate, and he was just really glad he hadn’t ruined everything.</p>
<p>Instead of saying anything either, Evan just nods and squeezes her hand as they get up from sitting. He hopes she knows that it means “I can’t wait for later, for us” and she does, because she quickly brings their entwined hands to her mouth and kisses Evan’s softly. Zoe always knew. </p>
<p>And he knew something too. He knew he hadn’t ruined anything, and he wasn’t going to. Zoe wouldn’t let him. Or Connor. He had his best friends back and he wasn’t going to let them go ever again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We're not quite done yet, particularly because we have Zoe and Evan's more romantic-y relationship resolution ahead and I think that'll be really cute, so I hope you're looking forward to it!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Now That I Have You I Won't Let You Go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zoe and Evan talk.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!! I'm going to start with I'm sorry if this chapter is a little all over the place. I've been writing my thesis (it's due on Friday ahhhh) and it's kind of hard to take a break from writing by also writing? I don't know if that makes sense but my brain is a teensy bit fried at the moment lol which is what I'm blaming if there's more mistakes than usual too lol Anyway, I still think the chapter is at least pretty cute, so there's that! And I'm thinking there will be one more official chapter and then an epilogue before this story comes to an end, which is sad, but hopefully exciting too since new works are in the queue and I'm pretty excited about them!!!</p><p>Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who reads this story, whether it's your first time or you've been following since chapter one. You are amazing and I appreciate you so much!!! I hope you enjoy this chapter!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zoe’s more than relived when Evan tells them he’ll come home with them and stay the night. It’d been what she was hoping for when her and Connor went searching for him earlier. She’d just missed him so much these days that she hadn’t seen him, that she just didn’t want to let him out of her sight. For now at least. She wouldn’t cling to him forever, but right now it felt justified. </p><p>Zoe doesn’t even let Evan more than a step away from her as he guides them back to the park center, holding his hand tightly and using her other to hold onto his bicep, keeping Evan nice and close to her. It’s hard because she knows this is real, she really did have Evan back, but she keeps waiting to wake up and find out that she’d dreamt it all. That she’d be back in her room, the credits to the puppy documentary rolling and still depressed that Evan wouldn’t talk to her. </p><p>If she kept close to Evan though, then she’d know it was real. She might have a vivid imagination, but she couldn’t make up the feel of his hand intertwined with hers, the endearing look he gave her when he paused every so often to check in on her and pull branches away from their path, the feeling of his thumb running gently across her hand.</p><p>Every second she got to spend with him now was comforting to her, a reminder that they were starting new, not over, because she didn’t want to erase everything from before, they had a great relationship before and now they were just starting a new one. A different version of the same one. And that makes her really, unbelievably happy. </p><p>When they reach Connor’s car, Zoe does allow one compromise in her attempt to keep Evan close to her, and lets Evan get into the passenger seat up front with Connor. It was what they always did when it was the three of them and they’d just promised Connor that things wouldn’t be weird or different and she did want to stick to that. Making Connor drive them around like a chauffeur was not going to help with that though, so even though she’d rather cuddle into Evan in the back, she lets him sit beside Connor. </p><p>But it doesn’t stop her from stretching out her seatbelt the farthest it would go and practically crawling through the middle so that she can lay her head on Evan’s shoulder and think about how cute it would be if she just kissed his cheek. He’d blush and smile at her in his sheepish way, the way that always made her tummy flutter. And then she’d do it again and make him smile again and then he’d kiss her for real… </p><p>No, now wasn’t the time for getting lost in daydreams about kissing Evan, so she doesn’t even kiss his cheek, but mostly because she’s worried it might make Connor a little uncomfortable. Soon she’d use little things like that to annoy him on purpose like when she made a comment about them making out, but right now it didn’t seem like the right thing to do. She never wanted Connor to feel left out because her and Evan were acting too couple-y. Right now, she felt like she had to prove a little bit that this wouldn’t change things between the three of them. It wouldn’t, because Zoe wouldn’t let it, but she wanted Connor to feel good about it too. Plus, she didn’t want to stress Evan too much by taking things too fast before they got a chance to talk about it.</p><p>And the drive home from the park is actually really nice. Connor talks mostly, catching them up on some podcast news that her and Evan had missed from the last couple days (they hadn’t really done much but cry this week and that didn’t leave a lot of time for consuming normal media). But Connor doesn’t make it a reminder of how terrible her and Evan felt this week, it’s just normal and fun and easy. Everything was perfect. </p><p>Zoe’s almost a little sad when they pull into their driveway but then she remembers that once they’re settled into the living room, watching movies she can properly snuggle into Evan and that makes her excited to be home. And she readily takes the hand he offers to her as they walk up to their front door behind Connor. </p><p>As if she’d been waiting for them, knew somehow they’d be returning with Evan, Cynthia’s there right as Connor opens the front door and makes a beeline for Evan, hugging him tightly, making Evan let go of her hand to hug her mom fully. Zoe’s okay with that because it always made her really happy whenever Evan interacted with her mom. Cynthia loved Evan like he was one of her own kids and Evan could do with a lifetime of extra love and support, especially from parents. </p><p>“Oh Evan, I’m so glad you’re feeling better. It must have been some nasty stomach bug because I think Zoe got a touch of it too, throwing up and not telling me. She’s always done that you know, it was always Connor who told me when you were sick when you guys were little,” Cynthia says, letting go of Evan to pet her hair lovingly and Zoe lets her even though she had no idea how her mom knew she’d been throwing up this week, she thought she’d hidden it well and she didn’t bring it up to Connor or Evan today at all. </p><p>But she sees Evan’s smile falter and he looks away from her mom and from her when he realizes to what extent Zoe had been hurting this week, enough for her mom to think she was sick. She knows he feels guilty and responsible for making her feel that way. But she doesn’t want him to feel bad, everything had been a misunderstanding, one that they had righted today. She didn’t want Evan to keep holding onto this pain, not when they were finally starting something. She’d forgiven him the same day their fight happened, and she’d tell in as many ways as she needed too. </p><p>“But we’re both all good now, healthy as a clam,” Zoe tells her, taking Evan’s hand again and pressing a light kiss to his cheek. Connor be damned, Evan needed the little reminder that they were good, they were okay. And maybe, just maybe, she wanted to slyly tell her mom that new things had developed on the Evan front. Zoe hadn’t really gotten a chance to talk to her mom about everything that happened at the dance, all the wonderfully good things that happened, because she’d been too distracted and desolate this whole week, avoiding both her parents when she could. And she didn’t want to bring up Connor’s involvement either now that she knew, so her mom really didn’t know anything. </p><p>“It’s happy as a clam Zo,” Connor says, laughing at her, which was much better than him getting mad at her kissing Evan, so that cheers her up too, that Connor was keeping his promise to them. And he was apparently okay with just a little PDA, when the situation called for it. </p><p>“Oh whatever, same thing,” Zoe laughs with him, stealing a glance over to her mom to see what she thought of her little kiss to Evan. Cynthia winks at her, finally leading them all back inside the house so they weren’t lingering on the porch now that it was officially dark outside, and Zoe knows that her mom probably knew exactly what happened after the dance. Maybe not between then and now, but that didn’t really count anymore, so she probably didn’t even need to tell her about it. </p><p>Zoe can feel Evan relax too, a few moments after her kiss, as they walk inside and kick off their shoes. She squeezes his hand for good measure and only feels okay once he squeezes her hand back, their own little code to tell each other everything was fine. </p><p>She’s happy that Evan seems to be doing okay because more than anything she <em>didn’t</em> want him to constantly be reminding himself of this week. They were going to talk a little bit about it, but Zoe didn’t really want to remind herself that much either. Even when they talked more about everything, she kind of wanted to keep things from this week out, and not really to avoid them, but move past them? Everything except what Evan had told them tonight, she wanted to talk to Evan a little more about that, as much as he wanted to share with her. </p><p>Zoe wanted to make sure that Evan knew she was one hundred percent by him and would be there for him through anything. And right now especially when everything was so fresh, she’d do whatever he needed from her, tell him everyday how much she loved him or maybe make up a code or something for really hard times, that way he knew with absolute certainty that she wasn’t lying. Not that she’d ever lie to him, but like Evan said, sometimes your head can convince you of crazy things and that could be one of them. She wasn’t going to hold that against him though, she just wanted whatever Evan wanted from her. </p><p>But besides that, she didn’t want to dredge up any sadness from this week, she wanted to pick up right where they left off last Saturday night after the dance, after they kissed and fell asleep together. Zoe had been so excited when she told Alana everything that had happened. Evan had told her she was beautiful and that they had a perfect night and then they kissed, and it was so perfect, a storybook ending to the night. And she wanted all that back.</p><p>The hugging. The snuggling. Holding hands. The kissing (especially the kissing). Flirting so deliberately so Evan’s whole face flushed maroon and he got that sheepish smile again. Being <em>boyfriend-girlfriend</em>. All the fun things that came with dating, all the new things they would get to do together as their relationship grew. Special things just for her and Evan and only them.</p><p>And she wants to spend most of tomorrow talking to Evan about everything and Zoe really hopes that Connor understands. Tonight was for the three of them, but tomorrow her and Evan needed some time alone to work through everything. Maybe Connor could hang out with Alana? Maybe that would make him feel better than being alone across the hall while her and Evan were in her room alone. Connor kind of owed them that, right? Like she didn’t blame him for anything and she was taking his fears seriously, but he did need to give them some space at some point and tomorrow seemed good.</p><p>Because the other thing her and Evan needed to talk about was what they <em>didn’t</em> talk about last Saturday. What they wanted out of a romantic relationship, what they were comfortable with (Zoe knew some like holding hands and hugging, the occasional cheek kiss, all stuff they’d done as “friends”) but she didn’t want to assume anything or accidently pressure Evan into something or make him uncomfortable because she wanted it. And even though they’d kissed already, Zoe wasn’t sure how soon Evan wanted to revisit that or if he was ready for more. All she knew was that her stance from before hadn’t really changed, as long as they could say they were together, exclusive, dating, seeing each other, whatever they decided to call it, then she’d go as slow as Evan needed her to. </p><p>Zoe was more than confident that they’d get to those points eventually, that they didn’t need to rush anything at all. Together they’d get to those new, exciting stages of their new romance because they had all the time in the world. </p><p>Zoe had no intention of ever letting Evan go again. </p><p>But tonight she didn’t really want to think too hard about anything else. She felt like she spent this whole week and most of tonight thinking. For now, she wasn’t going to think too hard about anything, just be grateful that she had Evan back. Just let herself be happy and spend any type of time with him, even if it was just holding hands and watching a movie with Connor there too. Tonight that was enough.</p><p>“Well I’ll let you kids be for now, but dinner will be ready soon. Evan, I assume you’re staying over tonight?” Cynthia asks, shaking Zoe out of all her thoughts about Evan and their relationship.  </p><p>“Um, yes? If that’s okay,” Evan asks shyly, and Zoe knew he was always worried about being too much at their house, but he wasn’t. If she could make it happen, she’d have Evan be at their house all the time, that way he’d never have to be alone. </p><p>“Of course dear, you’re always welcome here, anytime. I’ll come get you guys when dinner’s ready,” Cynthia says, petting Evan’s hair down affectionately the way she’d done to Zoe’s earlier, before walking off to their kitchen to presumably check on whatever she was cooking. </p><p>“Okay thanks Mom,” Connor calls to her retreating form before motioning to Zoe and Evan to follow him into the family room so they could officially start their movie night. Zoe tugs Evan along, following Connor and leads him to the couch. </p><p>The same couch they kissed on last time they were there. And suddenly Zoe’s a little nervous that being here will make Evan nervous, stress him out or make him think they needed to like <em>do something</em> tonight, when they didn’t need to do anything at all. </p><p>But Evan doesn’t seem nervous at all. In fact, he pulls her closer to him, letting the hand that she wasn’t clinging to settle gently on her hip. She takes the opportunity he’s presented to her to lean into him and snuggle up closer, practically sitting in his lap at this point. </p><p>Evan starts to very gently move his thumb back and forth across her hip over her leggings, like he’s trying to tell her that he’s happy and Zoe thinks it’s one of the sweetest things he’s ever done. It’s small and probably not all important, but it makes her heart soar and she can’t help but smile at him lovingly, before setting her head against his chest to cuddle even closer, relaxing into the little ministrations. </p><p>Zoe looks up and sees Connor roll his eyes, but he does it playfully, laughing at their actions instead being annoyed by them, as he takes his normal seat in their armchair. Zoe sticks her tongue out at him, smiling and shaking her head at him, so Connor knew she was okay if he wanted to tease them a little. Connor was her big brother and it seems like the most brotherly thing he could do, tease her about her <em>boyfriend</em>. </p><p>“What movie do you guys want to watch?” Connor asks, picking up the clicker and flicking through all the streaming services they had, trying to figure out what might be good for all of them tonight. They usually took turns picking out movies since they all had slightly different tastes, but tonight it just didn’t feel right, they needed to all pick something out. </p><p>“I don’t know. Ev?” Zoe asks, tilting her chin up against his chest so that she could see his face better. </p><p>“Um, I don’t know either. Um, maybe, um a happy one?” Evan suggests, and Zoe can’t help but remember at their last normal movie night (not after the dance) they watched a really sad movie and then a scary one, and Zoe was positive that Evan didn’t like either, even though he told her and Connor they were fine. She knew better though. </p><p>“<em>Pitch Perfect</em>?” Zoe asks excitedly, figuring any chance to toss one of her favorite movies into the mix was one she had to take. And she knew Connor would object, but it was all for show, just like she knew Evan didn’t like scary movies, she knew Connor secretly liked the musicals she picked. </p><p>“Zo, again? I swear we just watched that,” Connor claims, the way Zoe knew he would, but she does really think it’s a good movie for tonight and counters, “But it’s good. It’s a musical, it’s funny, and it’s happy. Everything that we need tonight.” </p><p>“Yeah, I think that’s a good choice. And we know you like it too Connor, don’t lie,” Evan says, smiling down at her and then at Connor. Zoe can’t help but laugh, knowing that Connor had been caught. He apparently wasn’t good at hiding his guilty pleasures at all. </p><p>“Fine, but I’m picking the next the one,” Connor huffs good naturedly, only lightheartedly annoyed that they were calling him out on his supposed “dislikes”. </p><p>“But nothing too sad Connor, not like your last pick,” Evan tells him, and then he looks to her like he was hoping she would back him on this. She would, and not only because she didn’t want to watch anything sad either, but because she would support Evan on anything, even something minuscule like a movie pick. </p><p>“Okay, listen, I know <em>White Fang</em> was sad in the middle, but you both liked it,” Connor defends, scrolling through their queue until he finds the musicals saved under Zoe’s list.</p><p>“Yeah, it was pretty good, but I agree, nothing too sad. Maybe something like that one from your birthday again or something like that,” Zoe offers not wanting it to seem like her and Evan were against all his picks and excluding him. </p><p>“Yeah <em>Ready Player One</em> was good,” Evan adds and Zoe’s pretty sure Evan really did like it, he’d borrowed the book from Connor and she knew they talked each other’s ears off about it over the summer. So it was honestly probably a good one for them all to rewatch. </p><p>“That’s because I have excellent taste, unlike other people,” Connor teases looking directly at her, as if she didn’t have good taste because she liked musicals, completely disregarding the fact that he also liked them.  </p><p>“Connor just put the movie on I swear to god,” Zoe laughs, chucking a pillow at him for good measure. But she was really happy that they were all acting like their normal playful selves. It was refreshing and comforting and meant everything to her. </p><p>Connor just laughs more but does what she asks, and Zoe can feel Evan laughing a little bit too. And she’d throw a hundred pillows at Connor if it kept Evan laughing like that.   </p><p>They start watching the movie and by the intro song, Zoe just feels overwhelmingly content. She felt like she belonged tucked into Evan, his arm resting around her protectively, watching her favorite movie, enjoying the little things. </p><p>About halfway through, Cynthia comes and calls them to dinner, and when Zoe sees the mac and cheese at the table, it was like all of a sudden her appetite was back, and she couldn’t wait to eat. It was also comforting know she would probably keep this down, no longer really suffering from a broken heart. </p><p>And she watches Evan eat a good amount too, seconds like her, which makes her happy. She was always worried about him not eating enough and she knows these last couple of days he definitely hadn’t been. But watching him, he seems okay all things considered. Evan was talking to her mom, stealing smiles at her, secretly holding her hand underneath the table and Zoe can picture this scene in her future. A nice dinner with her family, a family that included Evan. </p><p>Dinner also makes her feel really secure about her and Evan’s relationship, without even talking about it. She couldn’t really explain it, but she wasn’t scared anymore, at least not when it came to her and Evan. They’d both been through a lot, individually before this and together during this hellish week and that meant that things could only go up from here, right? Zoe thought so at least. </p><p>After dinner, Evan and Connor head to Connor’s room so they could change into pajamas and Evan could borrow some from Connor and Zoe hates to leave Evan, but she figures she should change too, and they weren’t quite to that point in their relationship where they could do that together…yet. When Zoe changes into her proper pajamas, she still slips Evan’s hoodie back on. She wasn’t ready to take it off, even if she’d worn it outside already, and even if she could curl up with the real thing now. She still wanted to be completely surrounded by Evan tonight. </p><p>And when they meet up in the family room again, to resume their movie night, Zoe curls up into Evan again, opting to loop her arm around his waist instead of holding his hand, so she could be even closer. Zoe even goes as far as to tuck a blanket around them, what she hopes is a clear sign that she wanted to be next to Evan the whole night. Evan seems to understand and resumes his light tracing of shapes over her hip, and she hopes he never stops. </p><p>After <em>Pitch Perfect</em>, Connor picks some action-y movie that Zoe doesn’t really know the name of, but it’s enough to lull her right to sleep, right on top of Evan. She was exhausted from everything, but finally felt okay enough to sleep and she hopes she gets many more opportunities to fall asleep with Evan. </p><p> </p><p>=</p><p> </p><p>When Zoe wakes up, she can tell it’s fairly early in the morning, because it was barely light out, shadowing the majority of the family room in darkness, but there’s enough light to see Evan, which makes her smile. She was still right on top of him, even though he must have moved them at some point because they were laying down more than sitting up, which is what she remembered. </p><p>And she can feel Evan’s arms holding onto her waist tightly, a comforting weight against her back, so relaxes into it and takes a moment to just enjoy the feeling. She felt rested, the first time since the last time she fell asleep in Evan’s arms, and everything felt kind of like she was still dreaming, but the happiest dream ever. </p><p>Zoe realizes she must have wiggled or disturbed Evan somehow because soon she’s looking up, face to face with Evan, who seemed still mostly asleep, and adorably dazed. </p><p>“Am I dreaming Zoe or are you really here?” Evan asks, his voice filled with sleep and Zoe thinks it’s the cutest thing that he thought he was dreaming, waking up to find her snuggled into him. </p><p>“I’m here Ev, this is real,” Zoe says softly, using one hand to brush his bangs out of his face, letting her hand trail softly down his cheek. Evan leans into her touch and she can’t help but smile even wider at him. </p><p>“Can I kiss you then?” Evan asks, his voice still low and his eyes still sweetly hazy from sleep and Zoe was not expecting that from him at all, but she wasn’t going to say no. She’d been waiting a week now to kiss him again and if Evan was okay with it, then she wasn’t going to wait that long between kissing him ever again. </p><p>Zoe agrees by simply pressing her lips against his softly, smiling happily into their kiss. And it’s just as magical and sweet as their first night of kisses, nothing crazy or unbelievable, just simple and wonderful. </p><p>And when they break apart, Zoe nestles into Evan’s neck more and she hears him sleepily yet clearly say, “Love you Zoe”, and the giddiness she feels spark through her is unlike anything she’s ever felt before. She knew Connor thought he did and probably Alana too, but nothing would compare to Evan telling her himself. Evan <em>loved</em> her. </p><p>She’s about to say it back and lifts her head from the crook of his neck, but when she looks up to him, Evan’s sleeping soundly once more. And she’s a little bit disappointed, but not that much, nothing would squash the feeling of Evan telling her that he loved her. </p><p>There was a good chance Evan wouldn’t remember any part of this little early morning, but she was going to remember every second of it and she wanted to tell him too. So Zoe very softly whispers, “I love you too Evan,” and presses one tiny light kiss to his jaw before deciding to try to go back to sleep, even though she felt dizzy and even more in love than she normally did, but quickly she finds her eyes closing and soon she’s fast asleep again. </p><p>The second time Zoe wakes up, she’s not quite completely on top of Evan, but they’re spooning, and Evan’s arm is still holding her waist, keeping her close and she wants to wake up like this all the time. With Evan. In his arms. Happy and fluttery. </p><p>But she also has to pee, and that couldn’t really be put off, so Zoe very gently maneuvers her way around Evan, careful not to wake him and makes her way to the bathroom. When she gets back, she finds that Connor’s awake now, checking his phone, so Zoe comes to sit next to him on the floor by the chair he was still in, telling him, “Hey Con, good morning.” </p><p>“Morning Zo, how are you? Are you doing okay?” Connor asks sweetly, putting his phone away to talk to her fully, probably wanting her to know he was serious about listening to her. </p><p>“Yeah, probably better than okay, I think,” Zoe tells him, and she means it fully. Waking up today and waking up yesterday were like completely different worlds, one where she had Evan and one where she didn’t. And one was much better than okay.</p><p>“That’s good,” Connor says softly, moving to sit on the ground with her so he wasn’t hovering above her awkwardly.  </p><p>“Thank you for making us find him yesterday, and everything else,” Zoe says wanting to take this chance that they were alone to thank Connor. She’s not sure how long she would’ve let things between her and Evan fester, but she was grateful for the push and she’ll always be thankful that it was Connor who aided in that. </p><p>“Please don’t thank me Zo. All of this could have been avoided if it weren’t for me,” Connor tells her dejectedly and Zoe knew he felt responsible for the rift between her and Evan, but it wasn’t going to help anything if he kept reminding himself of it, just like Evan. </p><p>“Maybe, but it wasn’t and that’s okay. Plus I do think this has probably made all of us better at talking to each other,” Zoe says hopefully, wanting to give at least one positive spin from what had happened. Zoe does think that this experience had forced them all to confront many things and one was that last barrier that had them keeping secrets form each other still. </p><p>“Yeah, I guess so. I think it’ll probably just be a while until I stop feeling so guilty,” Connor admits, and Zoe thinks that’s progress at least. Connor might not feel one hundred okay right now, and that was fine, but he’d get there. They’d all get there and someday this wouldn’t feel like anything in the grand scheme of things. </p><p>“It’s okay Connor, I promise. But I guess in this vein, I um, was going to ask you, can me and Evan spend some time alone together today? I really want to talk to him about us and figure some stuff out,” Zoe asks him, not necessarily asking him (she was going to talk to Evan alone today no matter what), but trying in the best way she could to give him a head’s up so he wasn’t taken by surprise later when they wanted to be alone. </p><p>“Yeah that’s totally fine. You guys don’t have to ask me permission to hang out alone,” Connor tells her guilty, like he hated that he put her in a position where she thought she had to ask him these types of things. She knew that though; he didn’t need to feel guilty. </p><p>“No, we don’t, but considering what you told me yesterday, I just want you to know and be a part of everything, you know? And today’s different because me and Evan really do need to talk,” Zoe says hoping that Connor knew there was a difference about today, that every Saturday wouldn’t turn into a her and Evan only day.</p><p>“I know you guys do and I want you to. And I know it’ll go well,” Connor says giving her a small smile, one that she returns easily as Connor continues, “I’ll leave you guys alone after breakfast. Do you think Alana will be up already? I was going to see if she could look over some of my college stuff.” </p><p>“Yeah she was volunteering this morning and last night too, which was why she didn’t answer last night. But I think she’d love that,” Zoe tells him, remembering what Alana had said last night. She’d texted her a little bit during Connor’s movie choice before she fell asleep. She’d remembered suddenly last night that she needed to tell Alana that everything was okay, and they ended up texting for a little bit. </p><p>And she knew that Alana would love the chance to spend a little alone time with Connor. She wasn’t any closer to figuring out her feelings for him and Connor being so focused on Evan this week hadn’t really helped that. But Zoe knew for sure Alana would be more than happy to look over his applications and she could try to flirt a little too. </p><p>“Okay good, I’ll text her then. Alana’s going to get into Ivy League schools, so I’m sure she could get into the schools I’m applying to in her sleep,” Connor says, and Zoe looks at him a little funny. Did Connor think he wasn’t going to get accepted to art school? He absolutely was, he was way too good of an artist to not get accepted. And yeah, Alana was applying to some prestigious places, but honestly Zoe wasn’t sure how much of that was Alana or her parents. </p><p>“Maybe, but you’ll get accepted too Con, you’re super talented and you’ve worked really hard this year,” Zoe says, unsure if he needed a hug or not, so she decides on just setting her hand on his shoulder comfortingly. She wanted him to know that she believed in him and his art. </p><p>“Thanks Zo, I hope so,” Connor says right as they hear a nervous, “Zoe? Connor?” </p><p>Both of them turn towards the couch to find Evan awake and a little confused looking, like he was scared they weren’t really here with him. And Zoe sees how that would freak him out after yesterday and everything. </p><p>“We’re here Ev, it’s okay,” Zoe says, getting up and moving back to the couch to be next to him, hoping that might make him feel better. </p><p>“Sorry, I woke up and you weren’t there Zoe and I couldn’t really see you guys over there,” Evan confesses and he sounded like he was a little worried that they might think that was too much, that he was being clingy or something. He wasn’t at all and Zoe got the luck to wake up next him not once, but twice this morning and loved it. It made total sense to her that Evan might feel off if he didn’t know where either of them were. </p><p>“I just went to the bathroom and then me and Connor were talking, that’s all,” Zoe tells Evan, taking his hand and intertwining it with hers comfortingly. </p><p>“Yeah sorry Evan, I moved a little off to the side so I wouldn’t wake you up. You looked like you were sleeping well,” Connor tells him apologizing, probably still feeling guilty that Evan and her had lost sleep this week. </p><p>“No, I was, it was nice. I haven’t really been sleeping a lot lately,” Evan tells them, and Zoe squeezes his hand lightly, knowing exactly how he was feeling. Last night was the first good night she’d had in what felt like forever too.  </p><p>“Well we all pretty much got to sleep in, it’s almost 11 and that’s great and all, but I’m starved. Let’s go see what Mom made for breakfast,” Connor says, getting up from the ground and heading into the kitchen, probably expecting her and Evan to follow. </p><p>Zoe meets Evan’s eyeline, silently asking him if he wanted to get breakfast and he nods, squeezing her hand too as they stood up together. And as they start to walk towards the kitchen, Zoe reaches up and quickly kisses Evan’s cheek, smiling happily at him, even going as far to swing their hands a little in delight. Evan was up and they were going to talk soon and she felt really good about everything.</p><p>“What was that for?” Evan whispers cutely to her, placing his hand on his face where she’d just kissed him. </p><p>“Just because,” Zoe replies cheekily, deciding to add, “Because I’m happy you’re here and I’m just happy in general.” </p><p>Evan smiles and nods at her and before Zoe can even take another step towards the kitchen, Evan’s placing a sweet kiss to her cheek too, surprising her once again with his kisses. Maybe she should really start expecting Evan to just kiss her all the time. He obviously liked it. </p><p>And she liked it too. She especially liked the way Evan was blushing, looking down a little bit at her. It made her feel nervous in the best possible way, enough where she doesn’t even have a response except to smile and laugh joyfully. And honestly, there was a good chance she was blushing too, which was probably telling Evan more than words ever would anyway. </p><p>Zoe was starting to love these sweet little moments between the two of them even more as they happened more often. This, earlier this morning, Evan’s little traces, everything they did now just made her unexplainably happy. She couldn’t wait until her and Evan could start every morning like this. </p><p>They finally stop just blushing at each other and make their way into the kitchen, where Connor’s sitting at a bar stool and Cynthia’s putting some finishing touches on a fruit plate to go with what looked like oatmeal from the stove, one of her favorite breakfasts.</p><p>Breakfast is just like any other sleepover they’ve had, normal and easy. And once again Zoe is glad she has her appetite back and she’s glad she doesn’t have to encourage Evan to eat either. Her mom stays with them the whole time, which wasn’t always the case, but today it seemed just right. </p><p>They all laugh and tell her about the movies they watched last night, catch her up a little bit about some school stuff, and just talk for a while. Zoe’s not really sure where her dad was, maybe golfing or something, but she can’t really bring herself to care all that much. Evan, her mom, and her brother were enough for her. </p><p>When they’re done eating, Cynthia leaves to go start some laundry and Connor tells them he’s going to get ready to go meet Alana to work on college stuff, leaving Evan and Zoe to clean up after breakfast. At first Evan looks a little confused as to what Connor and Alana might be doing together, but then he gets the cutest happy face when he realizes it was going to just be him and Zoe for a little bit. </p><p>And not that Zoe thought that Evan didn’t want Connor around, she thinks he was probably just excited to be alone with her and finally talk about their relationship. She knew she was looking forward to it and now she knew Evan was too. She’s glad that he’s excited and not scared of being alone with her like last time. She never wanted to see him again in the state he was in on Monday again, not if she could help it. </p><p>They’re rinsing off the plates and doing the dishes, something that Zoe only thought was fun with Evan being there. And Zoe accidently splashes Evan a little bit with water and she’s about to apologize when Evan flicks water back at her playfully, making her squeal in surprise. If Evan wanted a splash battle, then she’d give it to him. </p><p>Zoe flicks more water at him defiantly, laughing the whole time and not trying all that hard to dodge his counter splashes as Evan laughed along with her. Eventually they get to the point where Evan just picks her up and moves them away from the sink, which she lets him, but she was definitely taking that as his surrender.  </p><p>She’s about to say something a little snarky about their playfulness, but when she looks up at him, with his arms still around her waist, Evan’s giving her this wonderful smile, one that fully reached his eyes and he just looks so <em>happy</em>, that it’s almost overwhelming to her and all she can really do is hug him and pull him tightly to her. </p><p>It flashes through her mind that if things were different, this wouldn’t be happening, she wouldn’t have Evan at all. The one person she loved so much in the world. At one point he felt so lost and so alone that he tried to kill himself. And he thought about it again this week. And the overwhelming happiness she was feeling not even a minute ago turns into overwhelming sadness. </p><p>And Evan easily picks up on her shift in moods, probably from the way she was gripping onto him, like he might disappear in a moment’s notice, totally putting a stop to their playful energy. </p><p>Evan pulls away just enough to look down at her and ask, “Zoe are you okay? What’s wrong?”</p><p>Zoe’s not exactly sure what to say yet, she didn’t want to make him feel guilty for something that wasn’t really in his control right now, so she lays her head against his chest again, giving herself a moment to figure out what to say. </p><p>“I’m sorry about the water fight and flicking water at you. I thought we were playing,” Evan tells her apologetically, clearing thinking that her change in demeanor had something to do with them in the present, but it didn’t. She loved when Evan played with her like that, it made her feel carefree and childlike and happy. She never wanted him to stop that. </p><p>“No Ev, it’s not that, you’re good. You’re so good, I guess that’s what made me sad. I thought about if you weren’t here and how awful that would be and that’s what made me a little upset,” Zoe tells him, hoping that it made sense and that he knew she wasn’t blaming him or anything like that. </p><p>“Zoe I’m sorry. I’m trying really hard now though, and I didn’t act on any of it, but sometimes I can’t make those thoughts go away, like this week. I don’t want you to be sad though,” Evan tells her softly, gently moving her head so they could look at each other better.  </p><p>“No I know, and I’m so proud of you Evan. And I don’t know exactly how to help either or what to say when you need it, but I just want you to know how wonderful you are and how much you make my life better,” Zoe tells him, smiling even though what she was saying was very serious, but she hoped it would make him feel better. But before he can say anything back, Zoe gets the best idea and she doesn’t know how she hadn’t thought of it before now, but she quickly tells Evan, “Actually I think I know a way to show you.” </p><p>Zoe wiggles out of their embrace and grabs a very confused Evan’s hand, dragging him out of the kitchen, up the stairs and to her room. Zoe closes her door and leads Evan to sit on her bed while she goes and grabs the box she’d bought on her birthday, bringing it to him excitedly. </p><p>Evan still looked confused, but she knew he recognized the box and was probably even more confused because at the time, she wouldn’t tell him or Connor why she wanted it, just that she liked it. She’d gotten sick of everything she’d been holding on to since the day they’d met Evan piling up on her shelf, she needed a place for it and since back then her crush was still a secret she hadn’t wanted Connor or Evan to know. </p><p>“This is where I keep everything that reminds me of you, and I think you should know. And if we ever need to, you can look at it anytime too,” Zoe tells him, encouraging him to open the box, smiling and really hoping that Evan would understand what all of it meant.  </p><p>Zoe watches as Evan gently opens the hinge and starts to look inside. One by one, he lightly picks up each thing and looks at it, remembering what it was and why Zoe had kept it. </p><p>Pictures of the two of them, some pictures with them and Connor too. The ride bracelet from her birthday trip. A ticket stub from every event they’d gone to together, movies, pop-up shows, a museum. A gently pressed flower that Evan had picked for her on a hike. Scraps of paper with song lyrics she’d never shown anyone before because they were about Evan. The football game schedule because Evan always cheered the loudest. The little purple box her necklace came in. Every little thing they’d ever done together had a little memento that Zoe had kept.</p><p>“I like to look through it and remember how lucky I am that you’re my best friend, that you’re the person I trust the most, that you’re the one who’s made this year unimaginably better. Every little thing is a reminder of how much I love you Evan, how you’re it for me and I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Zoe tells him unable to keep herself from tearing up a little bit. Not because she was sad, but the exact opposite. She felt like she was flying, telling Evan that she loved him, that she was in love with him. He was awake this time and she knew he’d remember it now. </p><p>She hoped he never forgot. </p><p>“Zoe, I, um, I…,” Evan starts, and she hopes he’s speechless in a good way, but she doesn’t want to make him feel like he had to say something back to her. Right now, this wasn’t about her, it was about him and how much she loved him. </p><p>“It’s okay Evan, you don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know, so that if it ever crosses your mind again, which it might and that’s okay because you’re working on it, that I love you and I’ll be there for you no matter what,” Zoe says, reaching for his hand to hold again. She wasn’t sure if he was really ready to say it back to her, even if he kind of did this morning, but she wasn’t going to tell him about his sleep-addled confession from this morning. </p><p>“And I know that you said that you thought no one would have noticed if you were gone from school, but I would have. Before I really knew you Ev, I used to look for you in the halls because it made me feel better, like I was a little less alone. And I always told myself ‘just go talk to him, just do it’ and I never did even though I really wanted to, and I regret that a lot,” Zoe tells him, squeezing his hand gently as Evan, like he always did, gently wiped away a tear she couldn’t manage to keep from falling. </p><p>“But now that I have you, I’m not going to let you slip away again,” Zoe finishes, hoping that she didn’t sound crazy possessive of him. She just wanted him to know that she wasn’t going to let stupid things keep them apart or keep her from loving him. Because she really hoped it never happened but if like Evan had real reason to break up with her in the future, she couldn’t force him into being with her, but now was not the time to think about that. Now was the time to be thinking about how they were together and right now and how everything they’d overcome had led them here. </p><p>“Zoe, I love you,” is all Evan says before carefully wrapping her into another hug, avoiding all her keepsakes so they didn’t get bent or lost, and now he was the one doing the nuzzling into her neck. And all Zoe feels is blinding happiness. The giddiness from before when he said it amplifying and she’s not sure she’ll ever be able to think straight again. </p><p>“I won’t ever doubt you again, no matter what my head tries to tell me, I won’t listen. I love you and I have for so long. I regret letting us go almost a whole week without really talking, that I hurt you so much. I didn’t know what to do,” Evan tells her, breaking their hug and finally opening up about why he did what he did. </p><p>And Zoe knows he has more to say and she had her turn, now she was going to listen as Evan continued, “And I was really scared about Connor. And I, I just thought I’d be forcing you to choose between us somehow if he got mad at us being together and then I just lost control from there. I know you guys have been struggling to get to a good place and you’re finally there and I didn’t want to be the one who wrecked every good thing in your life. But I promise, from now on, I won’t keep anything from you. I’ll always come to you and we can decide together.” </p><p>“Together, I like the sound of that,” Zoe says, pressing a tiny kiss to Evan’s hand. It’s almost endearing how much he cared about her and her relationships past him. Evan might think he was selfish, but he was one of the most selfless people she knew. And she loved him even more for it.</p><p>“Yeah, me too,” Evan says squeezing her hand, looking at her in this way that made her feel so many things. Had he always looked at her this way and she was only now realizing? Was this what Alana meant when said Evan looked at her like she hung the moon? </p><p>Zoe’s not sure about any of those, but she was sure that she loved it and she loved Evan. And that was all she needed to be sure about. </p><p>“And I promise you that even if something comes up and we fight or something, I will never leave you Evan. I will always try my hardest to help you, no matter what happens,” Zoe tells him, knowing she couldn’t promise this happy, floaty feeling forever, but she could promise that she’d always be there for him, that if they ever argued or anything, that didn’t mean she didn’t love him with her whole heart. </p><p>“Zoe, what if I kissed you right now? Would that be okay?” Evan asks her, using the exact words she’d used to ask him for their first kiss, and for some reason that makes it even more special. It was like they were getting a do over for their first kiss (not that she wanted one, it had been perfect and she didn’t want to change a single thing about it) but a do over on the after part, one where Evan didn’t run away. </p><p>Zoe nods at him slowly and meets him halfway, kissing him gently at first, but easily letting herself get carried away until they have to break apart to breath again, leaving them both completed flushed and Zoe can only hope Evan was as thrilled as she was. She didn’t know how she was supposed to <em>not</em> always be kissing Evan. </p><p>“So, um, we’re dating now, right? I don’t know a whole lot about this kind of stuff, but I wanted to make sure,” Evan tells her a little bit shyly as he starts to gently place all her things back in the box, like he needed a distraction in case she said no. Which she wasn’t going to, and they’d been practically dating since they’d met, now they just got to call it that. </p><p>“I don’t really either Ev, so that means we can make it up as we go. And yeah, we are, I want that. I want to tell anyone who will listen that my boyfriend is Evan Hansen and he’s amazing. That’s all I want, and everything else we can take at our own pace,” Zoe says excitedly, putting her hands over his again to stop him from moving, just so she could lean over and kiss him one more time. </p><p>Evan happily obliges, smiling into their kiss, telling her as they pull away from each, “My girlfriend Zoe Murphy is something I never thought I’d get to say out loud.” </p><p>“Better get used to it,” Zoe laughs, leaning in for one more quick peck before finally putting the rest of her stuff away, safely back into its box.  </p><p>“I don’t think I ever will,” Evan tells her earnestly, looking at her with so much love, it makes her heart want to leap out of her chest or something. How did she get so lucky to be with someone who loved her so much? How out of everyone did she get the chance to love this boy so much too? </p><p>And Zoe knew, deep inside, that this thing they were starting, officially and finally on the same page, this was going to be easy. They’d put in all the hardship and overcome so many things to get to the place they were, and now? Now they got all the benefits and joys of being young and in love. They were going to experience so much together and grow up together, and Zoe wouldn’t have it any other way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sometimes I just can't even because it's too fluffy, but it's too good!!!! I swear we'll check in on Connor and Evan next chapter because it's almost everyone's favorite anxious boy's birthday :) </p><p>I also always forget that I reference Ben Platt works in the AU's but I'm always too lazy to change it after I realize what I've done. So Pitch Perfect exists in this AU and Evan and Benji have a striking resemblance to each other lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Call My Bluff, Call You Babe, Have My Back Everyday</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Connor and Alana talk. Evan celebrates his 18th birthday.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone!!!! I'm sorry this chapter is coming out a little later, I think I was procrastinating writing because this is the last official chapter for this work :( There will be an epilogue but I think it'll just be like a bonus a chapter, which should be fun! This story has been incredible to write and so rewarding. And I saw after each story finishes that I didn't think I could love another story as much as the last, but I do! This is the longest story I've ever written and probably the one I've planned the most too and I just never thought I'd be here. </p><p>But info on this chapter! Alana and Connor finally get a chance to talk and I feel like that deserves the pseudo-warning of coming out, which isn't tagged in the story tags. I can assure you there's nothing bad, but I thought I'd just mention it at the top :) </p><p>Um, other than that, there's just a lot of fluff! And I hope everyone likes it! </p><p>A huge thank you to everyone reading diligently or just starting to read, to everyone leaving kudos or commenting, you are all so wonderful and I appreciate it all! I guess too, I'd like to throw it out there, that I love getting requests/prompts/suggestions! My story Good Things Are Finally Coming My Way is open for requests of all ratings and I also take them in general! This story was written based off the suggestion of the amazing HenBenRo! I have a plan for a long running three-part story that I'll be starting soon, but I also think that I'll have time for other shorter works in between, so yeah!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Connor can’t really believe how different this week was from last week. Last week he felt desperate and afraid and unbelievably frustrated. His best friend wasn’t talking to him and he was scrambling every period and all day after school to figure out a way to get Evan to talk to him before it was too late. </p><p>And he was having a hard time connecting with Zoe too. He felt like she didn’t want to tell him what was wrong, why she was so sad, and what Evan had done to her. He wanted to help but he didn’t want to seem pushy, because he thought she’d come to him eventually. But it was just taking forever, and he was trying really hard to be supportive to her, be the person he promised her he would be. </p><p>But then it got to be too much. By Friday his tendency to be paranoid and overthink literally everything, led him to thinking about all the horrible things Evan might do to himself. And then he got really sad wondering if Evan felt like he did at his very worst. He’d thought about dark things, ending it all, but all he wanted was someone to intervene, someone to help him. Eventually his parents did, but he was pretty sure it was only because of what happened with Zoe. They were more concerned about him being a danger to her than to himself. </p><p>He’d talked a lot about it with Dr. Darren and he personally felt like he was in a much better place and was happy for the intervention, now matter the reasoning. But he just couldn’t shake the feeling that Evan might be feeling like he did. </p><p>Like Evan needed someone to find him again. To reach out and help him even if he didn’t know that he needed it. Connor needed to intervene, and he was positive Evan wanted that. </p><p>So he’d gone to Zoe for her help even though she hadn’t come to him yet. Connor knew that without Zoe there, Evan wouldn’t talk to him or take anything he said seriously. So even if Zoe wasn’t ready, he had to talk to her. </p><p>Which was how he found out that every horrible, broken, sad thing his little sister and best friend were feeling last week was because of him. He was the cause of it all, because he’d so stupidly told Evan that him and Zoe being together would ruin their friendship, which was what actually almost ruined their friendship. </p><p>They both tried to convince him it wasn’t his fault, that there were other things too. And maybe that was a little bit true, but Connor knew. He knew the majority of the blame went to him and him intimidating Evan with his own insecurities. </p><p>He hated that it was all his fault that this whole week happened. That he doubted Evan and Zoe’s faith in the friendship they’d all built together. Evan wouldn’t abandon him unless he felt like it was his only option, like this week. And neither would Zoe. They’d worked really hard the last couple of months to rebuild what they’d lost, and Zoe wasn’t going to just give that up. </p><p>He was just so stupid and made stupid decisions, ones that he wished he could take back. </p><p>But like he told Zoe, they couldn’t go back, only forward, and Connor couldn’t dwell on this forever. Zoe and Evan had both forgiven him and the role he played in their temporary falling out, and he did believe them, it was just a lot harder to forgive himself for hurting them. He was pretty sure Evan and Zoe both just wanted things to go back to normal with only the few tiny changes that came with them “dating officially” as Zoe called it. </p><p>And that was exactly how this week had gone. It was pretty much one of the normal-est weeks Connor had ever had. They were all getting along great and talking more openly and it had been really nice.</p><p>None of their regular school routines had changed in the slightest, their driving schedule, after school stuff, none of it. The three of them drove together on the days that Zoe didn’t have band and the days she did, she picked up Evan, and then everyday Evan came home with them. All the usual stuff. Homework or just hanging out, now with Alana and Jared too, was pretty much their everyday.</p><p>The only real difference was now Zoe and Evan were more open with their cuddling and nauseatingly cute touches and whispers. Which when Connor really thought about it and looked back was still pretty much exactly what they’d been doing before.  Maybe he just saw it better now? He didn’t really know, but he was glad they weren’t like all over each other.  </p><p>That had kind of been one of his fears and he felt like they’d be like they were at the dance but <em>all the time</em>. But they weren’t, they weren’t obnoxious about anything. And that did make sense, the dance was supposed to be special night, not an all the time thing. But he did wonder if they were just toning things down for his benefit, he wasn’t quite sure, but he did know that he was trying his best to give them <em>alone</em> time when he could. </p><p>He felt like it was his way of making it up to them, letting them gain back the time together that he felt like he’d taken from them. </p><p>And honestly all it had meant for him was spending more time with Alana. Sometimes more time with Jared too, which was fine. But mostly Alana, which had actually been great. Connor got along with Alana so well and she was just fun to hang out with. Alana was smart and read a ton, maybe more than Connor (which was crazy because how did she have time) but they had great discussions and Alana was pretty close to convincing him to join debate club with her, claiming he’d like it. </p><p>He was thinking about it, which was really something. Probably because he felt okay knowing one of his best friends would be there with him. And he felt really good about designating Alana as one of his best friends, on the same tier as Evan and Zoe (just slightly different which was still okay). It made contemplating extracurriculars, which he once deemed stupid and lame, a real possibility, which was something no one else had achieved before. </p><p>He hadn’t said yes, but it was seeming like more of a possibility if they could find Evan something to do once a week during debate club because Connor was not going to leave Evan feeling left out from their normal afterschool stuff. Maybe him and Alana could brainstorm possibilities for him today when they hung out. </p><p>Since it was Saturday now, Connor felt like he needed to give Zoe and Evan a slightly larger chunk of time to do whatever it was they did when they were alone together. He did not want to know in the slightest what any of that was, all he could handle seeing was like a few pecks to the cheek and <em>maybe</em> a quick kiss, because that was his little sister and that was just <em>gross</em>. But regardless he felt like he should give them the option to ugh, kiss, or whatever in peace, so he’d asked Alana if she wanted to go to the used bookstore with him and hang out for a little bit before the four of them (and Jared) went to the movies later tonight. </p><p>Alana easily agreed and said she was looking forward to it, that it’d been some time since she’d gotten new books and Connor had felt the same way. He loved buying new books and he just hadn’t really had the time since school started to spend a couple hours at the bookstore just wandering around. And he was excited to hear some of Alana’s opinions on some of the new books he’d been thinking about getting if they had them. </p><p>Connor makes it a point to say goodbye to Zoe and Evan as he leaves even though they were both pretty much already lost in each other, Evan following Zoe up the stairs to her room like a cute little lovesick puppy. But they at least stop and tell him goodbye too, which makes him feel better. And he was feeling better because it was visibly clear that they were both happy right now. He could deal with some heart eyes-cutesy-bullshit if it made them happier, and he knew it did. Connor maybe couldn’t stand things cute couple-y things, but Zoe and Evan were just cute people in general, they couldn’t help but love doing stuff like that. </p><p>But at least Connor had Alana to go do non-cutesy stuff with, and he actually couldn’t wait to go nerd-out with her over books (and then probably do it again after he read them). It would be nice to get his mind off of everything for a while and he was sure every little step like this would help him feel better about what happened with Evan and Zoe. He just needed to take his time. </p><p>Connor drives to Alana’s house, letting his mind drift during the drive about everything and nothing, only coming back into focus when he sees Alana happily coming to his car. </p><p>“Thanks for coming to get me Connor,” Alana tells him, getting into the front seat as Connor started to pull out of her driveway. </p><p>“Don’t worry about it ‘Lana. Plus, I was the one who suggested going to the bookstore, the least I can do is drive you there,” Connor tells her laughing a little bit. It was kind of funny to him that even though two out of the three friends he and Zoe had could drive, they almost always took over that responsibility. The Murphy’s were almost like the designated drivers of the group, always offer to come pick their friends up and take them wherever they needed to be afterwards. </p><p>“I guess that’s true, but still, it was very thoughtful of you,” Alana says a slight tinge of pink gracing her cheeks. Was she embarrassed or something? Why would Alana be blushing? Connor doesn’t know but he decides to ignore it, just in case bringing it up would make her uncomfortable. It was just weird though, even if it meant nothing. </p><p>Connor shakes it off and him and Alana continue to chat casually all the way to the bookstore, and by the time they’re deep into the sci-fi section, Connor’s forgotten all about it. </p><p>They spend over two hours in the store, hopping between different sections, looking at books one their own before showing the other. Connor was pleased that Alana had great reviews about some of the books he’d been considering and she’d suggested new ones too, sorting through the endless piles of books on the ground and overflowing the old shelves to see if they had her picks for Connor. And he does the same for her, trying his hardest to find a book she might like that she hadn’t read before. </p><p>Connor has so much fun and messing around with Alana that even as he’s carrying their haul of books (fifteen between the two of them) back to his car, he’s wishing they could stay a little bit longer, keep this very successful afternoon going. And it seems like Connor’s about to get it when Alana asks him, “Hey do you want to get coffees or smoothies or something? Hang out just a little bit longer, just the two of us?” </p><p>But it’s the way she says it, emphasizing the <em> two of us</em>, that throws Connor off completely. And he can’t describe it all the way, but it’s weird and he really doesn’t think Alana meant it casually. But he’s already made the mistake of ruining something and inadvertently hurting her when he got angry about her assuming Zoe and Evan were already dating, and he can’t do that again. He absolutely does not want to hurt Alana’s feelings, but he has to know if she meant something else, if there was anything deeper than her simply suggesting coffee. </p><p>“What do you mean by that Alana?” Connor asks as gently as he can, setting their books down and walking over to the passenger side of his car to lean against the car and stand next to her. </p><p>“Well, um, I, it is just the two of us already,” Alana starts and Connor starts feeling a little relieved that he was the one looking too deep into things, until she nervously adds, “And this kind of feels like a date and I um, I thought it was going really well.”</p><p>A date? Alana thought this was a date? How, why would she think that? Did he do something to make this a date? Shit, he did. He asked her to do something alone, he went and picked her up, he spent actually quality time with her doing something fun, he’d bought her some books. No fucking wonder Alana thought this was a date. But he didn’t think that by any means. But if she thought that, did that mean Alana <em>liked</em> him? </p><p>“We’ve just been hanging out a lot this week and it’s been really nice. I just thought maybe it could be something more,” Alana continues probably because Connor was just staring at her dumbfoundedly.</p><p>“Alana, I, uh,” Connor mumbles looking down at the ground and away from her, not having a single clue what to say to her. He felt completely blindsided, like this was coming out of nowhere. Why did this keep happening to him? He didn’t know why, but he knew that he really didn’t want to hurt Alana’s feeling, but he didn’t like her like <em>that</em>. Fuck, Connor didn’t even if he liked <em>anyone</em> like that. </p><p>“Do you not like me Connor?” Alana asks sadly, figuring that his weird silence was probably enough of an answer. Her voice sounds sad enough that Connor has to look at her, and it hurts to see how upset Alana was right now. And he can’t let her think that this has anything to do with her. Alana was amazing, it was him who was all messed up. </p><p>“Alana, it’s not, I um…I don’t even know if I like girls. I don’t have any of that figured out,” Connor finally admits to her, looking away from her again, knowing it was probably the only way he wouldn’t upset her more. He didn’t know what else to tell her though, this was the truth. It was the awful, honest truth. The one thing that he always felt like he couldn’t tell anyone, he felt like it was the one thing people were supposed know, and he didn’t. </p><p>But Alana was really one of his best friends though and he trusted her. He trusted her with the one thing he’d never told anyone, not even Evan, and especially not Zoe. It was the only thing he could think to do, and its not like Alana was going to judge him, right? She was his friend. Like maybe she’ll be a little disappointed, but she wasn’t going to suddenly not want to be friends, right? He couldn’t think that Alana would do that, but he really hopes she doesn’t.  </p><p>“Oh, I didn’t know that Connor,” Alana says sympathetically, leaning against the car with him, almost like an act of solidarity, but she doesn’t say anything else, making it kind of hard for Connor to gauge how she was feeling at the moment. He hoped it meant she was taking it well. </p><p>He still felt kind of stressed about everything and he’s not sure if it’s the right call, but he decides to keep talking, giving Alana a better explanation, telling her, “I just, I don’t know Alana. These things are really hard and they make me nervous. And I’ve never had a crush on someone or liked anyone before, and I don’t know what that means. Like does it mean something’s wrong with me? When will I figure it out? How do I figure it out?” </p><p>Connor knows he’s rambling at this point, kind of like Evan, and getting more worked up than he probably should, but now that he was finally talking it over with someone, it’s like the flood gates were opening and he couldn’t stop. He was finally telling someone everything he’d been so afraid of. </p><p>“Nothing’s wrong with you Connor, nothing at all. You don’t have to know any of that, it’s okay,” Alana tells him, meeting his eyeline, and she says it like she’s never been more sure of anything in her life. And Alana was sure about a lot of stuff, she was the smartest person he knew. </p><p>“It doesn’t feel okay though, and I’ve never talked to anyone about this before,” Connor says softly, letting her know that he was sharing this just with her, that it wasn’t common knowledge, and right now he didn’t want it to be. </p><p>“You can talk to me Con. I promise I won’t judge you or say anything to anyone,” Alana says comfortingly, and Connor does believe her. But where did that leave her? Sad and upset that her friend who she liked maybe would never like her back? That didn’t really seem fair to Alana, and Connor wants to reinforce that it wasn’t <em>her</em>. </p><p>“You’re not sad? Because I do like you Alana, you’re one of my best friends. And you’re obviously like smart and pretty and great and everything. I just don’t know,” Connor tells hers, hoping she understood. He didn’t want their friendship to end like this or any of Alana’s friendships with Zoe and Evan. Particularly not Zoe, Connor knew how close they were. </p><p>“No, I mean I can’t be? It’s not like that, I guess. And I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and I guess it’s true that I don’t really know either. I mean I mostly liked that you’re really nice to me, most people aren’t and then that gets confusing too. For me, it’s really hard to tell if that means you like someone or not, like as more than friends,” Alana tells him, and he never thought about that before, or that anyone else could be struggling too with this thing that he felt so alone in. And he hated that people were mean to Alana, just in general, but also with like crushes and things. They were extra scary, and people shouldn’t be mean if someone was brave enough to talk about it. </p><p>“Yeah, I can see what you mean. And I’m sorry people are mean like that to you Alana, I’m not trying to be one of those people, I really don’t want to make you sad,” Connor says in what he hopes was a comforting tone, turning towards her so his side was against his car instead of his back. He felt like surprisingly calm with everything that was being discussed and he hoped his body language was telling that to Alana too even though she’d never experienced him freaking out in anger before. </p><p>“I know you’re not like them Connor. And sometimes I think like you too, that I don’t actually know at all, about any of it. I think maybe sometimes I was trying to make us happen because I thought I was supposed to. And I guess too another thing was, I just thought it would be fun, like in the movies if we were together and Zoe and Evan were, like it’d just be this perfect thing. The two of them make relationships seem easy,” Alana confesses, and Connor knew exactly what she was talking about. He looked all the time to books and sometimes movies to try and figure out how he was supposed to act or feel when he didn’t know, when he couldn’t feel anything except angry. And then if that didn’t work, he looked to Zoe to see what she would do, knowing that Zoe was usually better at making decisions than him. </p><p>And probably more than anyone, Connor understood how easy Zoe and Evan made being in relationship look. He knew firsthand that they didn’t have it easy, not in the slightest, but he also knew that Alana was right. Zoe and Evan were just attracted to each other like magnets, and from the outside, they probably looked like the happiest, cutest couple that just understood each other. That was probably also true, but they hadn’t gotten to that point smoothly.   </p><p>“I know they do, and I understand the other part too ‘Lana. I really wish I felt like that because it would make things easy and fun, I know you’d be an awesome girlfriend Alana, but I just don’t feel that way,” Connor says to her, truly knowing how great it would be if he just could change his mind and be with her like that. The four of them would be this unstoppably cute force, but he couldn’t force himself into something, not something as important as this, not when Alana’s real feelings were on the line. </p><p>“It’s okay Connor, I like you for who you are, that hasn’t changed at all. You’re one of my best friends too. We don’t have to be any more than that,” Alana tells him, smiling for the first since Connor had opened the door to this whole conversation. Her smile does wonders, convincing him fully that she was telling the truth. </p><p>“Really?” Connor asks, just to be sure. He trusted her and he wanted them to stay close friends, but the slightly paranoid part of him also wanted to hear her say it again. </p><p>“Yeah, as long as you’re not freaked out that I maybe had a teeny crush on you,” Alana says, and Connor hadn’t really thought about that before, maybe because he couldn’t really see people liking him like that, but it hadn’t changed the way he thought about Alana or their friendship this whole time they’d been talking and he’s pretty sure it never would. </p><p>“Nope, and you’re not freaked out that I um, might be, um… maybe not straight, I guess?” Connor asks in return, even though he couldn’t see Alana being freaked out about that. But he was done just assuming things. If he wanted to know something, he had to talk about it. And he needed to use this moment where he was finally talking about <em>it</em> to someone he trusted to give him that reassurance. </p><p>“No, I’d never be freaked out about that Connor, ever. And neither would Zoe or Evan when you’re ready to tell them,” Alana says nudging him slightly probably hoping to keep the mood lighter, but also let him know that this was his thing to tell people when he wanted to, she wasn’t going to “out” him so to speak. </p><p>“I will, sometime, probably soon, but um, not tonight,” Connor tells her and knew he’d have to talk to them eventually and he also knew that they both loved and accepted him, but it didn’t make it any less scary to talk about. But this chat with Alana was brightening his outlook on the whole dating thing in general. </p><p>“That’s okay too Con, don’t rush yourself. But would it be okay if I gave you a hug though?” Alana asks sincerely and Connor just knows that she really is okay with everything that happened and was more concerned about him and his feelings right now. </p><p>“Yeah that’s okay, thank you Alana,” Connor says, pushing himself away from the car to give her a real hug, and he wasn’t going to lie, hugging Alana was actually really comforting. It was nice to know he still had a close friend who was completely supportive of him, in every sense of the word. </p><p>Connor hadn’t expected this when he asked Alana what she meant earlier, but he was happily surprised by where they ended up. Talking about relationships and his unsure sexuality wasn’t nearly as terrifying as he thought. And maybe it was because Alana wasn’t his little sister, but still it felt really nice. He was glad someone knew and someone understood where he was coming from. </p><p>And Connor was probably even happier that Alana seemed okay too. He didn’t think she was lying about anything she told him, about being sad that he didn’t return her almost-feelings for him. Maybe actually knowing where Connor stood was helpful for her, gave her a sense of relief. Now she wouldn’t have to think or try so hard, they could just <em>be</em>.  </p><p>And she had said that she didn’t know for sure whether she liked because she just did or because she thought she was supposed to. And if Connor had learned anything from Zoe and Evan, if you really liked someone, you just kind of knew. Not knowing was okay, but that was probably the answer to begin with, you just have to be willing to accept that. </p><p>But now, him and Alana knew a little bit more about each other, strengthening their friendship, and that made him feel really good. He hadn’t ruined anything. He hadn’t hurt Alana more. He didn’t get angry and just assume anything. </p><p>He’d been honest and vulnerable, and Connor was proud of himself. He was kind of on a roll with this whole best friend thing and he didn’t want to ever stop. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>Evan was feeling completely and almost deliriously happy lately. He was fully aware that he couldn’t let this feeling overtake all the work he had to do internally (like he’d done last time), but he was enjoying this high for now. He almost always felt warm and tingly and fluttery now, whether he was with Zoe. It was something he hoped never went away no matter how long they were together. </p><p>His happiness and her support were what also encouraged him to make his newest appointment with Dr. Sherman and from there he’d tell her that he wanted to see her on a weekly basis. But also, to do that he needed to tell his mom that he wanted to increase his therapy to every week. </p><p>He’d finally seen his mom Sunday after not seeing her once after be pretended to be sick on Monday, and he managed to tell her a little bit about his depressive state and how he really needed to see Dr. Sherman more and he really, really needed her to check in with him more, that she couldn’t leave that to his friends. </p><p>Because this last week he hadn’t had his friends to reassure him and the whole time he thought about how much she didn’t care about him and that only made it harder for him to ask for the help he really needed. He almost told her about this summer, but he thought it was too much for her. His mom looked completely overwhelmed by what he was telling her. </p><p>And he understood that, he did. When he didn’t bring things up it was easier for her to excuse staying late at work or not seeing him for a couple days, but she needed to know that it hurt him. It was hard for him to tell her though; he was stressed about it too.  </p><p>But also, Heidi could have been overwhelmed because Evan had also thought it was a good time to tell her that him and Zoe were dating now. Well, he didn’t really think it was a good time, but he definitely had to give her some explanation as to why Zoe was holding his hand, kissing his cheek, why she was there to even begin with. He probably should have separated the two, but he didn’t have a lot of chances to, making his point. </p><p>But by the very end of their talk, his mom definitely had an “I told you so” tone to her voice, teasing Evan just a little about them being together. And he knew once Zoe went home she’d tease him even more, but that was okay, teasing about Zoe finally didn’t bother him. He’d let anyone tease him if it meant that he got to be with Zoe. </p><p>And being with her, being her <em>boyfriend</em> was absolutely incredible. To him, it felt like nothing had changed at all, even though everything had changed, they were so much closer than they were before. </p><p>He just got to be free with his affections now, and he really liked to show Zoe as much affection as possible. He didn’t always wait for Zoe to initiate things now either. He grabbed her hand and intertwined their fingers. He kissed her cheek when he felt like it. He’d taken to leaving her little notes, knowing that she’d but them in her box. He asked to kiss her (that one they were still mostly asking each other, just to make sure they were both still comfortable, just because they’d done something before didn’t mean that either of them were always comfortable doing it again). </p><p>Best of all, things were just <em>easy</em>. Him and Zoe flowed together like they were always meant to be. They were pretty much always on the same page and their eerie skill of knowing what the other was thinking was only getting better. He loved it. </p><p>He trusted and loved Zoe in a way that he’d never felt before, one that he always kind of thought he’d never feel, but he got to experience that with Zoe. And he was putting his trust into the fact that she loved him too, and that made it even better. He felt like this huge weight, the one that had been crushing him since they became close friends, had been lifted from his shoulders, knowing that they were together and everyone in their lives were genuinely happy for them. </p><p>And right now, they were just hanging out alone in Zoe’s room, enjoying what Jared had deemed their “smooch time” even though they weren’t doing anything like that. Zoe was playing some songs for him, new ones that she’d written and been working on, while he sat and listened, occasionally playing with her hair. Relaxing like this was one of Evan’s favorite things to do, it was one of the only times in his life where he let himself actually relax and his brain calmed down. </p><p> But then Zoe stops playing and sets her guitar down and pulls Evan closer, so they were cuddling, and he wraps his arms around her, making sure she was comfortable. Not that he minded, Evan loved snuggling into Zoe, but he was kind of confused as to why she stopped playing. But if she did, she definitely had a reason and Evan was just going to wait patiently until she said something. It wasn’t that hard to do when they were sitting like this. </p><p>“So Ev,” Zoe starts, moving her hand to twirl his hair around the nape of his neck around, before finishing, “Your birthday’s coming up and I was wondering if you’ve thought about what you want to do yet.” </p><p>Oh, his birthday. That was the last thing he’d expected Zoe to bring up. He hadn’t thought about his birthday at all that fact that it was approaching quickly or what they could possibly do to celebrate.<br/>
He usually tried to not think about his birthdays at all because they were usually just a reminder that he was or he thinks now, used to be, completely alone. The only thing he’d ever done for his birthday was his bar mitzvah which had been a total disaster. He maybe had some birthday parties when he’d been really little, but not enough to have any actual memories of them, but he was almost positive his birthday had been the same since he’d been like eight. </p><p>“Um, no, I guess I haven’t,” Evan tells her, distractedly making little circles on her arm where he was holding her. </p><p>“That’s okay. I was just thinking about it and I want to make sure we do something special. Connor and my birthdays this year were so special because of you and I want your birthday to be special too. The first of many you’re going to spend with me,” Zoe says, ending her statement with a sweet kiss to his cheek, making Evan blush from both the kiss and the implications of what she said. </p><p><em>First of many with me</em>. That sounded pretty great to Evan. And so did a birthday party maybe? He’d always wanted that regular birthday party experience and maybe this was his chance? It seemed like it could maybe be fun.</p><p>“I guess um, a party could be fun with everyone. I don’t really know what happens at parties but um, maybe that could be fun. Or we could roll it into something for Halloween too,” Evan says, second guessing his party idea. They probably shouldn’t do something for his birthday and Halloween, which was only a few days later, it probably made more sense to combine them. </p><p>Plus, the more he thought about it, eighteen was probably too old for a birthday party with like cake and presents (not that he thought his friends had to get him presents). And he didn’t want to seem like too much, too extra for wanting a party. He was at least used to his birthday being lumped into Halloween, which was obviously the more fun thing, at least to little kids. His grade-school teachers used to always “celebrate” his birthday during the class “Fall Costume Day” aka Halloween party, even when all the other kids got their own days. All it did was make other kids ignore him for candy and costume contests.  </p><p>He knew his friends wouldn’t ignore him for candy, but it would be okay if this time they combined it. They could all do something fun for Halloween, like carve pumpkins and watch scare movies at the Murphy’s. That would probably be just as fun and less specific to him. </p><p>“A party would be super fun. I’ll talk to your mom and we’ll plan everything, don’t worry a single thing about it,” Zoe tells him, smiling and definitely excited, completely ignoring his Halloween suggestion.</p><p>“Oh Zo, you don’t have to do all that, something small would be okay, or like I said we could just like make a cake or something when we hang out on Halloween,” Evan tries to tell her, trying to emphasize that they really didn’t have to do anything, he was used to his birthday not being a big deal at all. </p><p>“Oh but Evan, I want to,” Zoe says laughing light-heartedly at his suggestions to brush off his birthday, kissing his cheek again before adding, “I’ve already decided next Saturday will be your birthday party and it will absolutely not be Halloween themed. It’ll be just for you and we’ll celebrate everything that’s amazing about you and the fact that you’ll be eighteen. It’ll be so fun.” </p><p>All Evan can do is smile and nod at her, knowing that it was no use arguing (and honestly, he didn’t want to). It felt amazing that he had someone who wanted nothing more than to put him first, even for the smallest things. The way Zoe saw him and wanted to show everyone who’d listen how great she thought he was always made him feel extra tingly. It was nice that she saw through everything and knew exactly what he needed, even underneath everything he did to try and hide it. </p><p>Evan was completely putting his faith in her and he knew Zoe would come through.  </p><p>=</p><p>Even with the knowledge that Zoe was planning his birthday party, Evan still kind of forgets about his birthday in the week leading up to it, just like he always did. But he thinks it fell off his radar because Zoe had been pretty hush about it all, very unlike when they were planning her and Connor’s birthday trip, talking about it constantly. </p><p>Until Friday, where Zoe talks almost nonstop about, informing him that she’d turned his party into a Saturday sleepover at his house and both Jared and Alana were staying the night, in addition to obviously her and Connor. </p><p>Zoe also tells him that he can’t be home while she sets up, so Connor was going to take him to go get coffee or something (apparently she’d given Connor jurisdiction on what they did), until she told him it was okay to bring him back.</p><p>Normally he’d be a little hesitant, not knowing exactly what was going on, only the loose details, but all he really feels is excited. Zoe was very clearly excited for it and that was calming him down. He knew she wouldn’t let anything terrible happen, that she couldn’t wait to see him happy, see him excited about what she’d put together. And even if he was going to get a lot of attention, it was positive attention and he was allowed to enjoy it. </p><p>Friday night after Zoe drops him off at his house (coming from the birthday dinner Cynthia had insisted on throwing for him, like she’d done for Connor and Zoe), for the first time he could remember, he was excited for his birthday to be the next day. Tomorrow he wouldn’t wake up to find a single cupcake and a card from his mom. He wouldn’t spend his eighteenth birthday alone, and that was a big deal, because for a while he wasn’t even sure if he was going to make it eighteen. </p><p>His birthday this year felt like so much more than just a birthday. It felt like a milestone in his life, the turning point in his life where things completely started to go up. He used to think that point was just meeting Connor and Zoe, but now he knew he’d kind of just been hiding behind that for a while. But now, now he felt ready to take on the whole world, with his friends, with his girlfriend, and with himself. </p><p>Tomorrow was going to be a good day; Evan just knew it.   </p><p>In the morning Evan wakes up just as excited as he was when he went to bed the night before. He gets ready with an extra bounce in his step, picking out Zoe’s favorite shirt he owned, a light blue one that she said made his eyes look pretty, and styling his hair kind of like what he did for the dance. He thought he looked pretty good and since that was a somewhat rare occurrence, he was going to go with it and just be excited for the day and for whatever Zoe had planned. </p><p>And as if she were following a strict agenda, Zoe shows up at exactly 10, her arms full of bags and directing Connor to bring in even more behind her. It seemed like a lot of stuff for a regular party/sleepover, but Evan wasn’t going to question Zoe’s process, only appreciate that she was willing to do it. </p><p>“Hey Ev, happy birthday,” Zoe says as he lets her into the house, slapping his hand away as he tried to grab a couple bags from her, which make him laugh. </p><p>“Hey Zo, hey Connor,” Evan tells them, holding the door wide open for Connor who was carrying probably double the number of bags as Zoe had been. Evan tries to help him too once he’s inside, but Zoe thwarts his attempts again, taking over from him and helping Connor. </p><p>Evan doesn’t even get a chance to say anything else to either of them before Zoe’s quickly ushering the both of them out of the door, pressing one light kiss to Evan’s cheek before telling them, “Don’t come back until I text you. Have fun though!” </p><p>Both Connor and Evan bust up laughing as Zoe shuts the door on them, getting right to work setting up the party, making sure Evan didn’t see anything with regards to the party decorations. </p><p>“Dude, Zoe wouldn’t even show me most of what she’s been planning. She thought I’d crack and tell you and apparently I’m not allowed to ruin another surprise,” Connor tells him, walking out towards the car, knowing that Evan would have to follow him, or probably get a snarky text from Zoe telling them to leave. </p><p>“Well you did ruin the girls’ formal dress colors,” Evan laughs as Connor huffs knowing that he was right as he gets into the passenger side of his car. </p><p>“Hey, I didn’t ruin Alana’s, just Zoe’s and it didn’t even matter, you were still surprised. I saw the dopey look on your face when she came down the stairs. I’m shocked you didn’t faint,” Connor retorts and now Evan was the only who was huffing slightly, his laughing stopped at the truth that was being spoken.  </p><p>“Shut up! But fine I was still surprised and Zoe’s making sure I’m going to be surprised again, so we should probably leave the driveway,” Evan says, pushing Connor playfully, his pretend annoyance long gone. He thought it was actually pretty nice that Connor teased him like he did Zoe, like they were siblings. It was a welcome change from the way Connor acted before him and Zoe started dating. </p><p>Connor just laughs in response and starts to drive towards his favorite coffee shop (correctly guessing that Evan would have claimed they didn’t need to get anything). But Evan lets Connor buy him a drink since it was his birthday and Connor wanted to. </p><p>They end up walking around the downtown area, looking through shoppes and just hanging out for the rest of the morning, and Evan thinks it’s the perfect way to start his birthday. It just makes him even more excited to go home to his very first party. </p><p>Which around one, Zoe finally texts Connor that it was okay for them to come back, whenever they were ready. And Zoe texts him saying “Can’t wait for you to get back 😘” as they’re driving back, which makes him blush, but at this point he doesn’t even care. He was excited and happy, and his girlfriend was the sweetest person in the world. </p><p>When Evan walks through his front door with Connor, he truly is amazed as Zoe, Alana, Jared, his mom, and Cynthia all yell, “Happy Birthday Evan!” like a surprise party. Evan takes a second to take in everything that Zoe had done in the last couple hours. </p><p>The entire living room and kitchen area were decorated with blue streamers and blue balloons in a variety of shades and one big silver “18” balloon. There were pictures of them everywhere, from this summer, from the dance, from every other time Zoe had insisted on a mini “photo-shoot”. And there’s even a snack table, covered in a blue tie-dye tablecloth with different bowls, all with Evan’s favorite snacks and even little goodie bags filled with candy. And on their dining room table, all of Heidi’s work and class stuff had been moved, making room for a dozen cupcakes, beautifully decorated with leaves and flowers, and a small pile of presents. </p><p>Evan doesn’t even know what to do, overwhelmed and in awe of every single thing Zoe had arranged, just <em>for him</em>. He had no idea what to expect, but this, this was everything and more. It definitely more than made up for seventeen years of being alone on his birthday. </p><p>Evan can’t help himself as he wraps Zoe into a tight hug, hoping that it covers up the fact that his eyes were watering, and his face was most likely red from everyone else. And all Evan can tell Zoe is “I love you,” over and over again until he feels like he might be able to face his other friends. </p><p>“I love you too Evan, happy birthday,” Zoe whispers back, kissing him fully yet softly before breaking their hug, so they could interact with everyone else. Evan doesn’t know how anything would ever be better than this. He felt over the moon right now and would probably never come down. </p><p>“So Evan, there’s board games and we also set up Connor’s Switch if we want to do video games, or we could just hang out and talk, or I don’t know if this is typical, but we could do cupcakes first,” Alana says, explaining the options for his party, making him realize that Zoe had probably recruited both Alana and Jared to help her decorate, which was saying something because even though she was working on it, Zoe didn’t fully accept Jared quite yet. </p><p>“Um, I’m not sure. What does everyone else want to do?” Evan asks, not knowing exactly what the “right” thing to do was. He’d be okay with whatever everyone else wanted to do, everything Alana suggested seemed fun. </p><p>“I think we should start with regular board games and move to video games and movies as it gets later,” Alana suggests diplomatically, and Evan just nods in agreement with her. That sounded like the perfect plan and then maybe, if they wanted to, Cynthia and his mom could play too? He didn’t think they’d be able to teach them the Switch controls, but he definitely wanted them to participate too (even if it was maybe lame to want your mom and your best friend/girlfriend’s mom to play games with you). </p><p>“Sounds perfect Alana,” Zoe says, pulling Evan to the coffee table and gesturing for everyone else to follow her and Jared grabbed the pile of games that everyone must have contributed. </p><p>They get through several rounds of Codenames, Pantone, Life, and Scattergories before both moms tell them that they have to leave soon (Heidi to go to study group and Cynthia back home) and they should do presents before that happened. And Evan thinks that’s a great idea, because as much as he liked games and loved his friends, Jared and Connor were getting a little too competitive for his liking. They needed a little break before they started video games and their competitive streaks came out in full force. </p><p>“Evan sit there, and we can hand you presents,” Zoe tells him, pointing to the chair at the head of the table as his friends gather around him. </p><p>Evan’s slightly nervous at the idea of opening gifts in front of everyone, something he’s never really done before. He only ever opened the card his dad’s mom sent every year and the card his own mom gave him, and he didn’t want to mess it up, but he remembers Connor being a little nervous too. And then Connor loved his gift, so Evan hoped the same thing happened now. </p><p>Zoe sit down right next to him and hands him the first gift, a smaller box, which he just knows is from Alana. It was perfectly wrapped and had “Evan” drawn across in beautiful cursive. Evan very carefully unwraps it and finds that inside the box is a journal of sorts, but one specifically for nature. Evan flips through a few of the pages and finds that it’s actually a species tracker for animals and plants and trees, and a whole bunch of other stuff. And it’s super cool.</p><p>“I thought you could take it hiking with you or maybe if you work at Ellison again next summer. And then you could record where you found stuff or look it up if you don’t know,” Alana says a little nervously and it makes Evan remember that Alana wasn’t really used to parties and gifts and stuff like this either. But she didn’t need to be nervous, he loved her present. </p><p>“Thank you Alana, it’s really great. I can’t wait to start filling it out, there are so many plants that will be popping up now that the weather’s changing. This is awesome,” Evan tells her happily and Alana looks really pleased that he liked her present, and he really does. He wanted to take Zoe hiking soon anyway and now he could write down exactly where all his favorite trees were. Probably the thing he loved most next to Zoe was being in nature, and Alana obviously knew that about him. </p><p>“Okay me next,” Jared says, nervously handing Evan a bag that is much heavier than Evan was expecting as he takes it from him. What in the hell did Jared bring him? What could possibly weigh so much?</p><p>Evan gently takes out the tissue paper and reaches inside the bag to find two matching ceramic planters, a bigger one and a smaller one both with swirly colorful designs, and inside the smaller one is two seed packets, one of blue cornflowers and one of indigo petunias, and a small bag of sour gummy flowers. </p><p>“Um, Zoe helped me pick it out, do you like them?” Jared asks sincerely and Evan thinks maybe it’s his way of making up for missing out on several of his birthdays, even reaching out to Zoe for help.</p><p>“Yeah Jared, thank you. These are so cool, and these flowers are perfect. They’re going to grow really well in my windowsill, it has the perfect amount of sun,” Evan tells him smiling, but not adding that they also happened to be flowers that he’d been wanting to plant for Zoe (since she really liked the ones he grew in nursery). </p><p>Evan also finds it pretty funny that two of his friends got him plant-tree related things, but he really did like them, so either he needed a new interest, or his friends just knew him really well. And he was going to go with the second one.</p><p>“Um this isn’t a plant, but I hope you like it,” Connor says, handing him his gift, a larger thinner rectangular gift and that makes Evan laugh a little, both because Connor obviously noticed the nature-theme of his other gifts and because he was a little nervous again. He was almost positive that Connor’s gift was art and he knew that meant a lot to Connor. </p><p>Evan unwraps Connor’s gift just as gently as the other two and finds that Connor’s given him a framed charcoal drawing of him, Zoe, and Connor in a park somewhere. And Evan’s shocked by Connor’s talent (like he always was), but also from how much it reminds him of the drawing Connor made on his cast. But this one he could display proudly. </p><p>“This was the last piece from my portfolio, but it reminded me of what I drew on,” Connor starts, saying, “your cast,” the same time as Evan says, “my cast.”   </p><p>With everything that Evan had told Zoe and Connor about why he’d broken his arm, it made it even more special that Connor was recognizing something that was like a symbol of their friendship. It was special and beautiful, and Evan loved it. And Evan knows he didn’t hug Alana or Jared, but he can’t keep himself from getting up and hugging Connor, telling him, “Thank you so much Connor, I love it, it’s perfect.” </p><p>Connor’s nodding and smiling when they break away from their hug and Evan returns to his seat, taking the gift Cynthia was handing him. It turns out to be a Hufflepuff sweatshirt, and Evan knows right away that Zoe picked it out for him, but her cute little smile is enough to give it away too.</p><p>“Thank you Mrs. Murphy, this is great. I can’t wait to wear it,” Evan tells her, smiling and adding the sweatshirt to the rest of the pile of gifts. </p><p>And even though he’s gotten four wonderfully thoughtful gifts, Evan gets nervous that his mom’s was the one of the ones left and he’s worried. She usually got him a cupcake and a giftcard inside of a regular card, left on the counter. But he guesses she was here now, and that was kind of a gift in itself. But he wouldn’t want his mom to compare what she could give him to what Cynthia could, who Evan knew let Zoe buy everything that was set up now, and threw him a birthday dinner last night, <em>and</em> also gave him a present today. But then Evan looks around and doesn’t see any other wrapped gifts, so maybe his mom being here really was the present? That’s okay by him, since he loved that she was here and that she worked with Zoe to help plan. And he was pretty sure this party was Zoe’s gift to him, he wasn’t expecting anything else from her.  </p><p>“So um, Evan love, your last present is in your room,” Heidi tells him, which completely throws him off, but Zoe was practically shaking with excitement, which was positively adorable, and makes him even more excited to see what could possibly be in his room.</p><p>They all get up from the table and start to make their way to Evan’s room as a group, and Zoe urges Evan to the front, cutely covering his eyes with her hands from behind, and waddling somewhat with him until they’re inside his room completely. Zoe quickly removes her hands and Evan looks around his room. </p><p>And he easily spots the “present”. Up on one of his walls, that used to be blank, was a huge topographical map of the US and pinned into it was all the parks and places they’d explored this summer, with little strings attaching a photo of him and Zoe, or him and Connor, or the three of them. There’s even one of him and Jared from when he went to Camp Ramah with him when he was seven (the year his dad left and his mom had no childcare, so summer camp it was). And organized on his desk is more pins and different colored string, and everything he would need to add to the map once he had photos. </p><p>But when Evan looks more closely, he sees that one picture isn’t actually a picture, but a card, so he looks to his mom, silently asking “Is this on purpose?” and Heidi smiles and nods at him, confirming that he should go get it. Evan steps away from Zoe to grab the card from the wall and he opens it, finding a cabin reservation for spring break in the Appalachian Mountains and he’s completely blown away. </p><p>He’d always wanted to hike the whole trail, and this was a step towards that. And he doesn’t know how his mom got a reservation or how they were affording it, but Evan really doesn’t want to question it, he just wanted to enjoy this incredibly wonderful gift from his mom and girlfriend. </p><p>“I thought it could be a graduation and a birthday present, that you could go on this trip with your friends over spring break. I know how much you want to see the Appalachian trail and I thought it could be fun. All the rest of this was Zoe,” Heidi tells him, and even though Evan knew that Zoe made this whole wall for him as soon as he saw it, he can’t help but stare at it in disbelief anyway. All he can do is squeeze Zoe’s hand when he feels it slip into his and smile. </p><p>This map was like her memory box but designed just for him and he doesn’t think he’ll ever look at it without reminding himself how much he loved Zoe and how incredible his friends were. He had the best friends in the whole world, and fate really knew what it was doing that day in the forest. And that night at the football game. And that day in the library. </p><p>Evan went from having nothing to everything he could ever want in the matter of months. He had a girlfriend who he loved more and more every day. He had a best friend who he could talk about anything with, who related to him so much and would never judge him. He had two other close friends who he was only getting closer with. He had his mom who might finally be listening to him and taking the time to be with and help him. He had an extra mom with Cynthia who he loved and appreciated just as much as his own. Evan Hansen had truly never been happier than right now, in this moment, celebrating his eighteenth birthday with the most important people in his life. </p><p>And all he can really think was that it was really nice to have friends.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope Connor and Alana's section was okay even though I left Connor kind of ambiguous. I thought it was sweet and I hope you all liked it! And then there's Evan's birthday!! He's so cute and I hope it showed Evan's growth in a lot of ways and wrapped the story up well!</p><p>Since this is technically not the last update, I will refrain from going on and on, but be prepared, it will be coming next week!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Epilogue: We Could Let Our Friends Crash In The Living Room</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alana and Connor are home for winter break.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ahhhhhh! You guys, it's the last chapter of this AU and like how did that happen????? It's been such a wonderful ride with incredible support and like I'm always just completely blown away with how much people enjoy the random stories that come into my mind. You readers are amazing and I completely mean that. Just thank you so much, for everything! And the biggest most gracious thank you to HenBenRo for suggesting this prompt! It led to an incredible story and I will always be thankful :) </p><p>This chapter has like no plot whatsoever, it's just kind of a fun update with the characters and I hope you like it because I think it's pretty sweet! However, I guess quick warning, there is mentions of sex in this chapter, nothing in detail at all, but Alana and Zoe do talk about it so like nothing between Evan/Zoe, more like friend-gossip about it. If you're looking for M-rated chapters head over to Good Things Are Finally Coming My Way, which there might be some new ones uploaded soon...or feel free to leave any requests ;)</p><p>Anyway, there won't be a new update for a little bit while I plan and start to write the new series which will be called "Wherever You Stray I'll Follow" as PART ONE of "Life Was A Willow" and I truly cannot wait for that to start and see what y'all think!!!!!!!!!!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zoe was incredibly excited right now, practically on the edge of her seat because of two things. First, Alana was finally home from school for winter break and she was on her way to pick her up from her parent’s house. Second, Evan had no idea that Alana was home already, thinking she was coming home tomorrow, so he was going to be completely surprised and happy when the both of them came to pick him up from work, even if it meant they weren’t actually having a date night tonight like she’d told him. </p><p>But she knew Evan would understand and be completely ecstatic that their friend was home, it was going to be a wonderful surprise. They had both missed Alana and Connor so much since they’d left for college. And it wasn’t like they didn’t text and call each other all the time (Connor, Evan, and her had a weekly phone call scheduled that they all looked forward to), but it was just so much harder to see her brother and her best friend in person now. </p><p>And it wasn’t just the physical distance, sometimes it got hard to have conversations, even through text, because they were all so busy. Alana, just like she’d been in high school, was involved with tons of things, classes, clubs, volunteering, the typical Alana way. Zoe had been really busy too with her senior year. She’d been applying to performing arts schools, which meant videos and demos and essays and more, and she’d made first chair again, adding being in charge of the band arrangements and planning to her daily stressors too. </p><p>Zoe was sure it’d be worth it though, that all her hard work would pay-off when she got notified of her callback auditions in January and then when she got accepted sometime in March. She truly felt like she was going to get to pick between her top three choices (Julliard, Boston Conservatory, and the Blair School of Music) and she was mostly just waiting to see where Evan got accepted to. Their top choice was going to New York together and that was what they were planning on and Zoe was positive that Evan was going to get his transfer acceptance from Columbia. But she knew he was still stressed about it, along with working a part-time job now and taking classes at their community college.  </p><p>But that stress was for a later time. Tonight was all about Alana being home. She would be home for six whole weeks and her and Evan had been looking forward to it pretty much since they day she left.</p><p>They were also very excited for Connor to come home too, but his flight wasn’t scheduled until Saturday. They were all going to go to the airport to get him and she knew that Evan had been counting down the days on his calendar until his best friend was home. Neither Connor nor Alana had been able to come home for Thanksgiving and Zoe and Evan just <em>missed</em> them. </p><p>They at least had gotten to see Alana once, when her and Evan went to visit right before his birthday. Vassar was only like four hours away, which was mush closer than Baltimore where Connor was going to school, so they’d at least gotten the chance to see her since the summer. But their weekend trip had been so fun but had gone by way too fast and Zoe had been really sad when they had to leave Sunday night. Enough where they had to stop driving for bit so she could cry, and Evan could comfort her. It hadn’t been easy going back to school with none of her friends and that had become all too real upon seeing Alana. </p><p>And Zoe was sure she was going to be just as sad when Alana and Connor had to go back, leaning on Evan to fill in the gaps, but for now she was over the moon that they’d all be in the same place for six weeks. She was honestly even excited that Jared would be permanently home for six weeks too. Less so for herself, but she knew Evan and Connor were really excited, so she was happy for them. </p><p>Overall, she just couldn’t wait for everything they were going to get to do in the coming weeks. Sleepovers. Adventures. Holiday parties. Catching up. Scheming and laughing. Movie nights. All of it. </p><p>Zoe slows down and pulls up to Alana’s parent’s house, and just like she always is, Alana’s waiting outside for her and comes running as soon as she sees Zoe’s car. Zoe doesn’t even have time to shift her car into park before Alana’s scrambling in and reaching over to hug her. </p><p>“Zoe! I’ve missed you so much,” Alana says, hugging Zoe even tighter, but she doesn’t mind, she hugs Alana back just as fiercely. Zoe really had missed her.</p><p>“Lana, I’m so glad you’re home. I’ve missed you and so has Evan. I can’t wait until he figures out you’re home early. He’s been waiting forever to show you his final dendrology project. He hasn’t stopped talking about it for days,” Zoe says pulling away from the hug to look over Alana. Like obviously Zoe knew about the little changes Alana had made through social media and from when they FaceTime-ed but seeing her in person after almost eight weeks was way better.</p><p>“Ugh, I couldn’t wait for tonight. I have so much to tell you guys about class, about this new club, about some new developments, about everything! I practically ran out of my dorm as soon as my final was done,” Alana tells her, letting Zoe return to driving, knowing that they did have to go get Evan from his shift at the Pottery Barn. </p><p>“Well we have all winter break, starting now. But we do have to get Evan first before our night truly begins. And he doesn’t even know you’re with me, Evan thinks we’re going on a date tonight. He’s going to be so surprised, but not too surprised, can you text him for me Alana? Just I’m coming is fine,” Zoe says handing Alana her phone before actually starting to drive. Zoe would’ve done it herself, but she was trying to time it less suspiciously since Evan knew how long it took to come from her house to Pottery Barn, and she didn’t want him to know she’d picked up Alana. And she couldn’t not text him. Zoe always texted Evan before when she was coming to pick him up so that he wouldn’t worry about her or wonder if she was still coming (he hadn’t thought that since they’d become friends, but still she didn’t want him to wonder). </p><p>“Done,” Alana says, setting Zoe’s phone in her lap, and turning more towards her, before asking Zoe, “So have you heard back from anywhere yet? Any early decision places?” </p><p>“No, not yet, I wish though. But most places like Julliard and BoCo, applications were due on the tenth and even though I applied way earlier they don’t start looking at them until they’re all in after the deadline,” Zoe explains, even though she wished the programs she was applying to got back to applicants sooner. She just wanted to know and be able to start planning her future with Evan, solidify all their plans that still seemed dreamlike. </p><p>“Oh, I hated that. I know it’s more fair, but the waiting is the worst. Ooh, Evan texted back, he says <em>Soon in more ways than one 😉</em>,” Alana tells her, pausing for a second before she realized what Evan meant and then almost shrieking to Zoe, “Oh my god, is Evan sexting you? You didn’t tell me that you guys started having sex!”</p><p>“Holy shit Alana, don’t look at it,” Zoe says, dangerously snatching her phone back from Alana and shoving it into the pocket of her leggings, positive that her face was completely red. She hadn’t expected Evan to write back something like that, he usually saved bolder moves for when they were alone. But it wasn’t like he knew that Alana had her phone or that they weren’t actually hanging out alone tonight. </p><p>Alana’s still laughing at her, and Zoe supposes it is pretty funny, but she doesn’t think Evan would think so, or really appreciate their friends knowing intimate details about their relationship. They were all close, but Zoe was perfectly fine keeping this closeness between just her and Evan. </p><p>“Don’t tell Evan you saw that, please Alana. And I didn’t tell you about it because me and Evan decided to keep it between us. Especially since we’re all way too close to my brother and we’d prefer he never heard or found out anything about it,” Zoe explains a little more. When they’d talked about sex, Zoe had wanted to tell Alana everything, but she didn’t really think it was fair to Evan, whose closest confidante was her brother. Connor was perfectly happy for them as a couple, but they didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or push past the boundaries they’d set in place. And it wasn’t like Evan could talk to Jared about it, because he most definitely would have told Connor, having pretty much no ability to keep a secret. But Zoe also kind of thought it made it a little more special, something that was just for her and Evan. </p><p>“That’s totally fine Zo, and of course I won’t say anything to Evan or Connor, but you have to give me something. Please? This is huge, actually I guess I don’t know that,” Alana says, giggling more, cashing in on the innuendo just to keep Zoe blushing probably, because Zoe was most definitely not going into that much detail to anyone. Ever. </p><p>“I’m sorry Zoe, I’ll stop, but just how was it?” Alana asks apologizing lightly after Zoe’s embarrassed silence. </p><p>“Fine, I’ll tell you about it, but no details. That’s not fair to Evan,” Zoe starts, deciding she could just leave any direct things out, that it was probably okay to talk to her best friend about everything else. They’d talked about what it’d be like before, just surface level stuff though, and Zoe thinks that’s okay for now too, that she wasn’t breaking any of the things her and Evan had discussed. Zoe sees Alana nod and giggle more excitedly, agreeing to the terms Zoe was giving. </p><p>“It was definitely worth the wait. Like it didn’t feel rushed or uncomfortable, me and Evan are already so close that when we decided to do it, it was just normal. We both felt like it was the right time and right for our relationship. And it was pretty fun,” Zoe says, smiling at the memory, unbelievably grateful that she shared it with Evan. Sex hadn’t been a scary thing for them and she loved that her and Evan got to grow and explore their sexualities together. She was looking forward to them living together so that they didn’t have to plan as much and just got to be more open about their love for one another. </p><p>“So it didn’t hurt?” Alana asks timidly, her tone completely shifted from her playfulness to slightly worried and that surprises Zoe. Alana was probably her most sex-positive friend, she went with her to get birth control pills last year, she volunteered for Planned Parenthood, she followed feminist and social justice accounts on her social media. Alana had to know that sex wasn’t supposed to hurt. But Zoe would confirm that for her anyway. If she was nervous about something, then Zoe could see how she could think it might. </p><p>“No, and it shouldn’t ever hurt Alana. Don’t let any of those college kids you’re around now convince you of that. And if something feels weird or off or hurt-y you should slow down and get um, more excited, or use something like lube,” Zoe says trying her best to be informative about situations she’d never personally experienced. Even if she didn’t want to fully talk about her own sex-life she didn’t want Alana to think that <em>she</em> couldn’t talk to her or ask her for advice or whatever. That’s what best friends were for. </p><p>“Well that’s good. And I do know that, I just sometimes wonder if people just say that, but I know you wouldn’t lie to me,” Alana tells her and that makes Zoe feel better about it. She wanted her friend to have just as good experiences as she did with this stuff because it was kind of nerve-wracking.</p><p>“But also, like even though it didn’t hurt, our first couple times weren’t perfect, or anything like on TV. We spent a good portion of it laughing at some of the awkward parts together, but we’ve pretty much gotten past those parts. Now it’s just really fun and obviously brings out Evan’s more confident side. And I feel like we’ve just added to our relationship, like we’re just more in tune with each other than we’ve ever been, and I just love it,” Zoe says, sure her voice sounded even more lovesick than usual. But she couldn’t help it, she hadn’t gotten the chance to really talk at all about this new part of her and Evan’s relationship to anyone besides him, and it unexpectedly felt really great. But that could also be just getting to talk to Alana, just the two of them.</p><p>“That’s really good Zo, I’m really happy for you guys. But I was asking because I met someone, and I think we might be there. We’re not dating, but I really like them, and we already almost did once,” Alana tells her, her face now the one with a full-blown blush. </p><p>“Alana, that’s so exciting! But only do it if it feels right. Don’t let anyone pressure you and make sure you’re safe. I can go with you to get stuff if you want, that way you have it,” Zoe offers, truly happy that her friend was excited about starting something with someone she obviously liked a lot. But she also didn’t trust a lot of people and wanted her friend to be okay. Not everyone got to have an Evan to learn everything with. </p><p>“No, he doesn’t, and we are prepared. Um, they even got tested because I asked. And obviously we’re not like you and Evan, but it just feels right. And I don’t know, I’m just excited about it,” Alana says smiling and blushing more, satisfying Zoe with her answers, going even further considering her and Evan hadn’t really needed to think about getting tested or anything like that. </p><p>“You should be ‘Lana, it’s exciting! As long as it feels right you should go for it. And yeah for me and Evan that was after a year of dating, but it doesn’t have to be that. It could be whenever as long as it feels comfortable and safe and fun,” Zoe tells her, smiling sincerely, glad that Alana understood that not every relationship had to be like hers and Evan’s, that Alana didn’t have to compare anything she did to them.  </p><p>“Yeah I think we will, um maybe when they come visit here after Christmas,” Alana tells her quietly, like she knew Zoe was going to get overly excited knowing that Alana’s potential friend/love interest was coming to <em>their</em> small town. </p><p>“They’re coming to visit you? How was that not the first thing you told me? You better not think you’re getting away with not telling me more right now. I need to know everything Alana,” Zoe says, playfully hitting Alana’s arm out of excitement. She was going to get to meet this person for real and that was going to be awesome. She trusted Alana’s judgement in friends, but she definitely wanted to make her own opinions. And maybe gossip just a little bit with Evan. </p><p>“Fine, fine. I met them in my media literacy class and then we found out that we’re thinking about the same major, doubling in Media Studies and Political Science, so we’ve just mostly been hanging out together all semester, studying, going to events, and we might even join a club next semester. He’s amazing and funny and sweet. I just really like them, and it’s not like last year with Connor, I know I like them,” Alana says, her voice sounding suspiciously like Zoe’s whenever she talked about Evan. But Zoe was very much aware of the fact that Alana hadn’t told her this person’s name yet. Zoe wasn’t going to judge at all, but she wasn’t going to push Alana either. </p><p>“Alana, that’s amazing and I’m so happy for you and excited to meet them,” Zoe starts but then realizes that she was pretty sure she’d heard this description of a person before, when her and Evan had visited Alana in October, and suddenly she thinks she knew who Alana was talking about, excitedly saying, “Wait, wait, wait, are you talking about Taylor? Your friend me and Evan met when we visited?” </p><p>“Um, maybe…And maybe he’s a really good kisser too,” Alana says, busting up into giggles and Zoe doesn’t know why Alana didn’t say something sooner. Zoe thought Taylor was great and the four of them had a really fun night Saturday night during their trip. And she’d thought something had been going on (and so did Evan), but they hadn’t said anything at the time, not wanting to assume anything.</p><p>“Oh my god! ‘Lana, they were so nice and sweet. This makes so much sense, I can’t wait until Evan finds out. He loved Taylor and you know how Evan is with new people. But you’ll have to wait to tell me more about them later, because here comes Evan,” Zoe says, pulling into one of the front parking spots where she normally picked Evan up from work and waving to him from inside. </p><p>The look of shock on Evan’s face is priceless once he realizes that he’s not only waving to Zoe, that Alana’s in the car with her too. Evan jogs the remainder of the way as Alana got out of the car, making room for one of them to get into the backseat. But Evan clearly had other ideas, wrapping his arms around Alana in a big hug, which makes Zoe smile. She knew Evan was going to be completely thrilled that Alana was home. </p><p>“Alana, what is this? I thought you were coming home tomorrow? And Zoe you knew about this?” Evan asks, looking at Zoe inside the car, noting her very mischievous grin. </p><p>“Yeah, I thought it would be a fun surprise,” Zoe answers, gesturing for them both to get back in the car so they could go home. They didn’t need to get too caught up in the middle of the Pottery Barn parking lot. They should at least be at home before they lost track of time. </p><p>“It is Zo. Just Alana, I’m so happy you’re back, we’ve missed you,” Evan tells her, comically climbing into the back of Zoe’s little slugbug, stopping to kiss Zoe’s cheek on the way back. Zoe thought it was sweet that Evan was letting Alana sit upfront where she had been, even though he probably was too tall to be in the backseat. That that was just Evan, her sweet, considerate Evan. </p><p>“I’ve missed you too Ev. And Zoe says you want to show me one of your projects?” Alana asks, getting back into the car too as Zoe started to drive back towards her house. </p><p>“Yes! It’s so cool and talks about environmental policy and I just thought after your PoliSci classes this semester, you might think it was interesting too,” Evan tells Alana animatedly, making Zoe even more happy than she thought was possible (Evan had a tendency to do that though). She knew figuring out school this semester wasn’t the easiest on Evan’s anxiety, but she loved that he found classes and topics that he was really interested in, and she couldn’t wait for him to keep exploring them. </p><p>“I could show you if we’re going to my house, are we still doing that Zo?” Evan asks cutely, somewhat reminding her that Evan didn’t actually know anything, before five minutes ago, he definitely thought they were going to go make dinner at his house and catch up on their favorite shows like they’d planned. </p><p>“Um no, I figured we’d go home and just have a regular sleepover. I think my mom’s going to order pizza for us too. I already grabbed some stuff for you from your house earlier,” Zoe says, aware that she was blushing again due to Alana’s little snickers. Alana probably knew exactly why they were having a “date” at Evan’s house, where the only parent wasn’t around often. </p><p>Luckily for her though, Evan doesn’t pick up on Alana’s little giggles, and simply answers, “Okay great. I’ll just have to show you tomorrow ‘Lana.” </p><p>“Yeah totally. I’m sure it’s really cool Evan. So how’s work been? Better?” Alana asks genuinely, but Zoe tenses a little anyway. Evan had a little trouble adjusting to working when he first started, even though he wanted the job and the experience and the money for when they moved. But she never liked bringing up reminders that things weren’t exactly easy for Evan, she hated when he felt less than, the way he told her after first starting his job in September. </p><p>“Um, yeah for the most part, I guess. I still have to check people out sometimes, but usually only if we’re really short-staffed. Other than that, I mostly restock and do inventory, which I like. And I think I might get a raise soon, so that’s really cool,” Evan tells Alana more confidently than Zoe had been expecting, but it makes her calm down a little. Evan was doing great and didn’t always need her to step in. </p><p>“That’s great Evan,” Alana says at the same time that Zoe says, “We’re all so proud of you Ev,” getting a sheepish smile from Evan in return. And she feels him lightly squeeze her shoulder, probably not wanting to distract her from driving, but wanting to tell her “thank you” all the same.</p><p>And even though Connor wouldn’t be home for two days, Zoe already felt like her little family was back, and for the time being, she was just going to enjoy that.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>Connor couldn’t wait for Zoe, Alana, and Evan to get home. His mom had filled him in on Zoe’s plan to surprise Evan with Alana, and now he was going to surprise all of them. He sees Zoe’s headlights pull into their driveway and his friends get out of her car from his spot on the staircase, waiting patiently for them to come inside and see him. </p><p>He gets a fluttery feeling in his tummy as their front door opens, and he’s just so excited to see his friends for the first time since September when Zoe and Evan had driven with him to Baltimore with his parents driving their own car. He’d missed his friends so much and had been looking forward to being home all month long. </p><p>But he watches as Zoe, Evan, and Alana come through the door, all chatting excitedly, and walk right past him, not noticing at all. To be fair, they didn’t know he was home and were probably not being super observant. He knew they’d be excited once they figured out he was home, so he follows them to their regular sleepover spot, the family room, and casually leans into the doorway, calling out to them, “So glad you guys care that I’m home.” </p><p>“Oh my god Connor you’re home,” Zoe yells, dropping Evan’s hand and her bag immediately to run to him and wrap him up in a hug, smiling wider than he thinks he’s ever seen her and he’s sure he had a matching one. He’d really missed his little sister and as much as they hadn’t talked prior to him getting clean, he hadn’t been prepared at all to be away from her for that long. </p><p>But seeing her run to him more excited than ever was the best reminder that they were in a really good spot. Zoe had really missed him. </p><p>“Connor, I thought you weren’t coming home until Saturday,” Evan also yells, not far behind Zoe in running to him. Evan also joins in their hug, not waiting for Zoe to let go, and simply wraps himself around Zoe and him. </p><p>“Come on Alana, you too,” Connor says laughing as Zoe and Evan held on to him even tighter. </p><p>Alana smiles brightly at him and follows suit, joining their group hug happily, and Connor hasn’t felt this happy since last summer, when the four of them all got to be together. Not that he was sad at school, but he’d just really missed everyone. </p><p>“I was supposed to come home Saturday, but I finished my final project earlier than I thought I was going to, so mom changed my flight so I could get here sooner. And it was totally worth it, I missed seeing you guys,” Connor tells them, explaining his surprise appearance as they all break away from their hug. </p><p>“We all missed each other,” Evan says softly, and Connor feels that deeply. Texting and phone calls and the occasional FaceTime just weren’t the same as being with your friends in person, especially your best friends. </p><p>“Ev, I feel like now it’s time that you surprise us by unveiling Jared in a flash of smoke,” Zoe says laughing and Connor joins in easily, realizing like her just how funny it would have been if they had all made surprise plans without telling each other. </p><p>“I wish, but I don’t think so. I know he has a final tomorrow at 8 A.M. but then he’s supposed to be driving home and he should be back around the time Zoe’s done with school too. Maybe we could all get lunch or something,” Evan tells them hopefully and Connor thinks that’s a great idea. Him and Jared had gotten pretty close over the year and Connor was looking forward to him being home just as much as he was Alana. </p><p>“Ugh Ev, don’t remind me that I have to go to school tomorrow,” Zoe grumbles and that does dash his excitement just a little. He knew how badly Zoe missed them, and she felt their absence the most at school. Her brother, her boyfriend, her best friend, and her favorite person to have “insightful debates” (arguments) with, had all graduated last year. She was mostly alone at school and he knew that was really hard for Zoe. </p><p>He knew at the very least though, Evan tried to come have lunch with her as much as possible, giving her someone to sit with and talk to. And at least Zoe didn’t have afternoon classes either, so days that she didn’t have afterschool band, she just got to leave. Zoe had buckled down and taken two online classes over the summer (even though it was everyone’s “last summer”), just so she didn’t have to be at school so much. </p><p>And all those things helped, they had to, but Connor knew they just wouldn’t ever fill the void of knowing you had a place to be and people to be with. She’d faked it for two years and then got used to what her life could be with real friends, and then they’d left her. It was times like this he wished they were actual twins or that their parents had just let them be in the same grade. Then Zoe wouldn’t have to feel lonely. </p><p>“It’ll be okay Zo. And think, soon enough you’ll be in Manhattan, with this weirdo too, Julliard and Columbia bound,” Connor tells her, pushing Evan playfully, hoping that it brightens her mood a little. He knew about their plan and he was excited for them, even if it meant that they’d still be far away from him. But they both deserved to go to their dream schools, and after his experience getting to do it this semester, he really wanted that for them. </p><p>“That’s only if I get a scholarship to Columbia. If not, I just hope there’s a Manhattan Pottery Barn,” Evan says a little dejectedly, and Connor hates that Evan questions his chances. Evan was incredibly smart and very determined, anxiety and all. He deserved to go to Columbia and Connor really hopes they hear back soon.</p><p>“Hey positive thoughts only. Your transfer admissions application was incredible Ev. You’re definitely going to get in and with a scholarship,” Zoe says, wrapping her arms around him comfortingly until he nods along with her. Connor still thought it was wild how good Zoe was at calming Evan down without drawing any attention to it whatsoever. </p><p>“I still think you guys should come to school in the south, Maryland’s been awesome,” Connor says, even though he knew their top choices weren’t anywhere near where he went to school. He thought it was still fun to tease them about it though.</p><p>“Tell us more then, oh wise one. Then it’s your turn Alana, bless us with your college and New York knowledge,” Zoe says laughing and dragging him and Evan (and he was sure Alana if Zoe had another hand) to the center of the room and pulls them to sit down and grabs all the pillows off the couch, making a nest of sorts around them. </p><p>“Turns out college is super cool. Well, art college. I love going to class and I’ve been learning so much, about stuff I actually care about. I’ve tried working with so many different mediums and learned the history of them. My favorite class this semester was learning why different cultures use different mediums and depict different things in their art. Everything is just so cool and I’m really happy. Two years ago, I never would have dreamed of being at college, let alone to study something like art,” Connor tells them, and he really means it. Even though he decided to apply to art schools last year, he wasn’t exactly sure that he’d get in anywhere or actually go. But now he couldn’t really see himself anywhere else. And Evan, Zoe, and Alana had encouraged him the whole time, cared about his future and his happiness. </p><p>“I feel like you guys got me there and I’m so thankful for it. I’ve been looking forward to this break though. Turns out art kids are kind of weird and I’ve just missed us,” Connor tells them, feeling just a little emotional. He couldn’t help it though, seeing his sister and his two best friends again after three whole months was a lot. </p><p>“That’s so good to hear Con. I feel the same way. Vassar been amazing and it’s definitely the place for me, but I miss you guys. Taylor’s great and I’m so glad I have them, which by the way I can’t wait for you to meet him Connor when they’re here after Christmas, but I’ve missed seeing you guys every day. Texting just isn’t the same,” Alana tells them, smiling, but Connor could tell she was feeling emotional too. He thought she was enjoying Vassar, but it was good to hear straight from her. </p><p>“No, it’s not. I’ve been trying really hard to talk to people in my classes too and at work. But it’s so much harder than talking to you guys,” Evan tells them quietly and Connor’s heart hurts just a little for Evan. He was the hardest one to leave and Connor felt good that he had Zoe, but it just wasn’t the same as having a best friend around who wasn’t also your girlfriend. </p><p>“You’re doing great Evan,” Zoe tells him comfortingly, in her typical Zoe-way, putting his feelings before hers. And Connor also thought Evan was doing great, trying his hardest and Connor was really proud of him.</p><p>“Only because I have you,” Evan tells her dreamily, kissing Zoe chastely before smiling dopily at her. It was good to know Evan was still just as much in love with his sister as he was when Connor left for MICA. That was never one of his fears about leaving for school, knowing that Evan and Zoe would always be there for each other, that neither of them were going to feel isolated and alone with him, Alana, and Jared being gone. </p><p>“Always,” Zoe tells him, kissing him again, much less chastely than Evan had kissed her. </p><p>“That’s something I didn’t miss,” Connor laughs, tossing a pillow in between them playfully as Zoe flipped him off, kissing Evan again just to annoy him. He knows he just told them all that he didn’t miss their overwhelming cuteness, but he kind of did. It always gave him the chance to tease them and let him really fill the “big brother” role fully. He obviously had to tease his little sister and her boyfriend, that’s what brothers <em>did</em>. </p><p>And it was just another reminder that they were doing really good as a couple, that they were okay. It had been really scary telling everyone that he’d chosen to accept his offer to the Maryland Institute College of Arts, knowing that it was really far away. His first plan after deciding to go to college was to stay close by and come home every weekend to be with his sister and his best friend. But then he’d fallen in love during his visit weekend and he just knew he wanted to be there. </p><p>But Zoe and Evan had each other, and that made his final decision a lot easier. That, and the fact that they had both been so supportive and proud of him, made everything seem simple. The two most important people in his life wanted him to go where he <em>wanted </em> to, the place that felt right, and MICA did. </p><p>He’d had an awesome semester and was looking forward to going back and continuing his degree, something he wasn’t always sure was going to be true. </p><p>“So, Alana, what are your brilliant insights on the whole college experience?” Zoe asks, probably wanting to pivot from him after his teasing. But that was okay, he had six weeks to talk all about college life and tease his sister, so he was perfectly happy to hear what Alana had to say. </p><p>“I mean I really love Vassar, like truly. And Connor’s right, getting to pick your classes is pretty awesome, the semester just flew by,” Alana says leaning against her stack of pillows comfortably like the rest of them, stealing the extra pillow that Connor had thrown. </p><p>“Yeah, but that was probably because of Taylor,” Zoe teases, pretending to swoon, falling into Evan’s arms dramatically. </p><p>Alana had told him specifically about her crush on her friend Taylor and they’d had a really good talk about it. Connor was glad that Alana felt comfortable talking to him about that stuff, especially after the confusion of last year. He was genuinely so happy for her and he couldn’t wait to meet him and determine if they were worthy of his best friend. But like how he felt about Zoe, Connor didn’t really get a say in who Alana wanted to be with, but he could make sure that said person was kind and respectful to her. That’s all he really cared about, and it seemed so far that this Taylor was both of those things. </p><p>“You know about them being more than a friend for less than an hour and you’re already teasing me?” Alana asks Zoe and she simply grins mischievously, laughing and telling Alana back, “Yep, it’s the only way.” </p><p>The way Zoe and Evan suddenly burst into a fit of giggles, Zoe collapsing onto Evan’s lap, has him laughing too, and not at Alana, but simply because he felt joyful. He knew that Alana really liked Taylor and he didn’t want to stress her out, thinking they were making fun of her, but soon she joins in too and he knows that she knows they weren’t laughing at her.</p><p>Connor honestly loved that Alana liked someone and had them at Vassar with her, the same way that Evan and Zoe had each other, he never wanted her to feel alone again, not like when they first became friends.  </p><p>And for himself, he didn’t feel that lonely at MICA. He had a pretty good friend, just a friend, (not on the level of Evan, Alana, Zoe, or Jared, but still) who was in most of his classes and right now that was enough for him. He’d talked to Dr. Darren a little bit about his lack of wanting to date over their video chat sessions after he first moved because that sense of brokenness had returned, especially with all the couples he was seeing around campus. </p><p>But he felt a lot better about it now and him and Dr. Darren had talked about it for a while, over a couple sessions. There wasn’t anything broken about Connor and having a significant other or not didn’t change that. If it ever happened that was okay and Connor would explore it, but if it never did, well he had a really awesome life with awesome supportive people in it. Anything else would just be extra, a bonus to a life he already loved living. </p><p>Plus, he was only 19 and even if everyone around him appeared to be doing stuff like that, it didn’t mean he had to. He was young and he had his whole life ahead of him and right now dating wasn’t exactly a concern right now. And that was completely normal.  </p><p>And Connor didn’t really care right now. He was really happy, and he knew he was going to be even more happy for the next six weeks, reunited with his friends. Yeah, Connor wasn’t worried, his life was pretty perfect right now. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>Evan can’t even believe how his night had turned out. He was completely surprised when Alana showed up with Zoe to pick him up from work, and then when they got to the Murphy’s, Connor had come home two days early to surprise them all too. It was an incredible turn of events, even if it meant that him and Zoe weren’t having their date night tonight that he’d been looking forward to all week. </p><p>But honestly it was okay. He was mostly looking forward to it because he’d kind of had a tough week at work and he just wanted to talk it over with Zoe while they made dinner together and snuggled, but it wasn’t like him and Zoe needed the couple time. </p><p>They were probably at an all time high in their relationship and he was just as in love or even more so than ever. He felt like every day he spent with Zoe he found a new thing to love about her. The way she tied her shoes. The way she swung their hands when they were walking somewhere. The way she ate gummy bears (head first, then feet, then body). The way she liked her hip bone kissed. The way she was teaching him to curl her hair. The way she loved him unconditionally.</p><p>Evan never felt as happy as he did when he was with Zoe. But right now was coming in a close second, so he was perfectly fine with a whole night (or the next forty-two) dedicated to their friendships. He’d missed Connor and Alana so much since they’d gone to school, both him and Zoe had. </p><p>He knew Zoe was trying her best at school, but he also knew how hard it was for her. So he tried his best to cheer her up when he could. He met her for lunch at the high school when he could. He still went to all the football games and band concerts, going alone, but never took his eyes off her, cheering as loud as he could whenever she finished a song. They went to fall formal again, just the two of them. But even all that couldn’t make up for everyone being gone. </p><p>At least for him, Jared wasn’t that far away at Yale, and came home every couple of weekends. Him and Jared had truly rebuilt their friendship over the last year and Evan did miss him when he was gone, he was glad they were real friends. And Zoe had even mostly accepted him, enjoying anytime she could bait him into an argument, but they still kind of clashed, so Jared being home wasn’t the same for her as it was for him. Zoe really only had him. </p><p>So he was even more excited that everyone was here right now, because of what it meant to Zoe. </p><p>“Hey guys, um, since Jared won’t be home until tomorrow, do you want to send him a video text? Maybe saying good luck for his final, um so he doesn’t feel left out?” Evan asks, watching Zoe set her own phone up to presumably take a picture of them after their laughter fit from Zoe teasing Alana about Taylor. It makes him think about Jared seeing these photos later on social media, thinking they purposely hadn’t invited him, which wasn’t the case at all. </p><p>“Aww Ev, that’s so sweet,” Alana tells him, smiling and nodding along with Zoe. Good, he was worried they wouldn’t want to, but that was silly. They were Jared’s friends too, of course they wanted to wish him well. </p><p>“Yeah totally. I’ll hold the phone and you guys get behind me,” Connor says, taking Evan’s phone as he held it out to him, gesturing for everyone to get in the frame.</p><p>“I think maybe just like ‘Hey Jared! Good luck on you final. We can’t wait to see you tomorrow!’ Does that seem okay?” Evan asks his friends, wondering if there was something else they could maybe add or maybe adding too much would make it weird? Maybe it would make Jared miss them more? </p><p>“No Evan that’s perfect, like a virtual card until we see him tomorrow,” Zoe tells him softly, intertwining their hands and squeezing gently, reassuring him like she always did. Zoe made him feel more confident and he sees Alana and Connor nodding too, agreeing with Zoe. </p><p>“Okay say what Evan said, now,” Connor says tapping the record button as they all wave to the camera and repeat, “Hey Jared! Good luck on your final! We can’t wait to see you tomorrow!” before Connor ends the recording and returns his phone to him. </p><p>Evan sends it Jared and hopes that it makes him feel not left out, like they were including him even if he couldn’t be there with them. Jared quickly texts back “Thanks guys, miss u!” and Evan tells them what Jared says, but then puts his phone down. He felt good about including Jared in some way tonight and tomorrow they’d probably all do this again. But right now Evan decides to focus on his two friends that were here and who he hadn’t seen in ages and listen to their stories about college and everything they liked about it. </p><p>It makes him feel less nervous to potentially transfer to a bigger university next year with Zoe. He was scared of the class sizes and the professors and the anonymity and the expectations that came with going somewhere like Columbia. But he was going to do it (if he got accepted) because he was going to follow Zoe wherever she went.</p><p>Their current plan was New York and Evan wanted that to come true for them so badly. He wanted to live in a tiny little apartment with her. He wanted to experience city life <em>with Zoe</em>. For Zoe to have this amazing opportunity and he wanted more than anything to support her. </p><p>“We should make this a tradition. The first day home from break sleepover, for both semesters, but especially winter break,” Alana suggests happily some what out of the blue, but Evan thinks it’s a great idea. Something they could always look forward too. </p><p>“Yeah, and then maybe it’ll turn into a winter vacation together when we’re all older, like how we used to go skiing with the Harris’,” Zoe says, her eyes lighting up at the thought of them carrying on their tight bond through adulthood. And Evan can’t help but return her smile. He pictured their future together all the time and this would just become another thing he daydreamed about. All of their future families hanging out together. Being friends forever. </p><p>“With a little cutie niece or nephew running around from you two,” Connor says, laughing and pointing between Evan and Zoe. And Zoe rightfully gets annoyed at Connor’s comment and laughs as she chucks another pillow back at him. </p><p>Evan knew him and Zoe might be engaging in the act that definitely resulted in babies if they weren’t careful, but they were absolutely not trying for any babies right now. Evan wasn’t going to lie and say that he didn’t think about it, more so since him and Zoe started having sex, but that was definitely a conversation for after they finished college. Not right now and not for any future winter break sleepovers. </p><p>“You know how babies are made, right Con? You really want to know about Evan and me…” Zoe starts, unable to keep her sarcasm to a minimum (and Evan knows she’s trying to be respectful of their agreements about keeping their sex life private), before Connor interrupts laughing and saying, “No oh my god, never mind. I regret everything. I was only thinking of cuties not how they’d get here. Please excuse me while I vomit.” </p><p>Evan shoves Connor playfully as he pretend-gags making Zoe roll her eyes even harder as Alana laughed. Alana probably thought it was hilarious, karma for Zoe teasing her earlier about her own love life.<br/>
And Evan was worried at first about Connor knowing anything more about his and Zoe’s physical relationship (hence their agreement) but it seemed like Connor was kind of okay with it, or at the very least knew it would happen at some point. A huge improvement from last year.</p><p>“Yeah that’s what I thought Connor, but I do like that idea Alana, like so much. We’re all obviously destined for more than this town, but that doesn’t mean we can’t always be this close,” Zoe says, snuggling into his side. And Evan’s not sure if it was to annoy Connor or not, but he was going to believe that it was because Zoe saw the same future he did right now . One where they were together and happy and maybe had a baby and all of them were still high school best friends. That nothing ever changed. </p><p>And Evan thinks that will happen. No matter what the future brought them, they would always have each other. Even if they were in different places, even if they experienced feeling more apart than they had this semester. Evan was with his forever best friends and nothing could ever change that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for reading this story and being here from chapter one or stumbling upon it and binging in one sitting. You readers are incredible and definitely give me the support needed to keep writing every week! </p><p>I'll be back soon and in the mean time, check out my other stories, or feel free to drop some requests!!!!!!</p><p>See you very soon with <em>Wherever You Stray I'll Follow</em> !!!!!!!!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Eeeek! I hope you liked it so far! I'm looking forward to writing a completely new dynamic between Connor and Zoe and Connor and Zoe and Evan as things begin to unfold. Hopefully you're excited, so stay tuned!!!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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